Cancel culture is by far the best thing to come out of the last decade. Sure, in some cases it can be hurtful and uncalled for, but so is polishing off an entire box of wine over the course of 72 hours. What’s your point? I, for one, am living for cancel culture, and not just because it speaks to the blackest, pettiest parts of my heart (though that is certainly a plus). There’s something to be said for holding people accountable for their actions, for holding a mirror up to all of their wrongs and saying “you know why, YOU KNOW WHY.” And in the past decade, no one has been called out more for their bullsh*t than powerful men, especially in Hollywood. Canceling sexy, powerful men (aside from being a sexual fetish of mine) feels like a long time coming and a necessary part of moving forward as a society. My vote has always been to isolate the men in an underground bunker and only let them out for breeding purposes or until they’ve learned to behave themselves, but my therapist calls this plan “troubling” and “something to discuss in our next session.” For now, I suppose, I’ll just have to settle for tarnishing their reputations and banishing their names and negative energy from the mainstream media. Sighs.
So, as we approach a new year and a new decade, let’s take a look at all of the men we need to cancel forever and finally leave behind (to hopefully eat sh*t and die):
Talk about a 10 year challenge. No one has aged less well than James Franco. I’m not gonna lie, but back in the day I was a huge fan of Franco’s, and that had everything to do with his role as tortured (but sexy) knight in the romantic drama Tristian & Isolde. But little did I know that while I was swooning over hot beach sex and painful British accents, our boy James was out here allegedly manipulating and sexually exploiting the struggling, young actresses of LA. This is why we can’t have nice things, James!!
Back in 2018, and in the wake of #MeToo, several women from James’ acting school, Studio 4, came forward and alleged that this highly esteemed “school” was actually just an elaborate ploy to take advantage of young women. Furthermore, the $300 highly sought after “classes” taught at his “school” allegedly involved women disrobing in front of James and his pals. Hmm. This feels less like honing one’s craft and more like a page out of Harvey Weinstein’s playbook, but okay. Recently, two of the five women who came forward filed a lawsuit against James and I’m really hoping they take him for everything he’s worth. I always say, there’s no better way to start a new year than by watching a man be financially ruined. Cheers!
I was today years old when I found out that Nate Parker, actor and former man of my dreams, is actually a flaming piece of sh*t. For those of you who don’t know, Nate Parker rose to fame after his role in The Great Debaters and, more recently, The Birth of a Nation. But I know him from Beyond the Lights, an OSCAR WORTHY movie, about hip-hop artist Noni who doesn’t want to be anyone’s music video hoe, she just wants to get back to making real music, and the sexy but sensitive cop who helps her find herself. So, as I’m sitting here WEEPING at the scene where Nate Parker whispers “I see you” to Noni, I find out that in real life Nate Parker has a very dark and troubling past that involves allegedly sexually assaulting a woman in college.
While attending Penn State in the late 1990s, Parker and his wrestling buddy were accused, and actually tried in a court of law, of raping a female student. Parker was found not guilty while his pal was found guilty, only to have his conviction overturned. With all the hype surrounding Parker’s new movie, The Birth of a Nation, the case has come back into the spotlight with renewed interest, and the information surrounding the case is… troubling to say the least. The victim alleged that she was too drunk to consent to sex, and that after she accused Parker and his friend of rape, she was harassed on campus by Parker and his friends so much so that she “feared for her life.” I’m not going to get into the full story here, but if you’d like to read more about the case (and you absolutely should) then this Vulture article is a great read. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go quietly weep for Noni and her monster of a prince charming.
First of all, I’d just like to say that I was never a fan of Brad’s. Not only do I think his acting is subpar (I said what I said!), but it goes against every bone of my deeply feminist body to support a philanderer like him. I have to save that kind of compassion and forgiveness for my own romantic relationships with cheating assholes, obviously. That said, he is good-looking, and in the last 10 years he has done nothing but further sully his own reputation so, congratulations Brad, you made my hit list. Bravo.
I think by now we all remember the infamous plane incident of 2016 that resulted in Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie getting a divorce after nearly 12 years together and Brad being investigated by the FBI for child abuse. But just in case you need a refresher, in 2016 Brad allegedly got into a drunken fight with Angelina (he was drunk; she was not) on the family’s private plane on the way home from France. An anonymous person then reported Brad to Los Angeles DCFS and claimed that Brad “attacked” their 15-year-old son Maddox during said fight. Apparently, Maddox jumped into the fight to verbally defend his mom when Brad “lunged at the boy.” Brad has vehemently denied hitting his son, though he does admit to being drunk and yelling at people. Since the incident, Brad has undergone a stint in rehab while Angelina has pushed for full custody of their kids in the divorce. Yikes. And to think I thought his low as a human being was when he copied his girlfriend Gwyneth’s haircut that one time, but it’s good to know I can still be proven wrong.
Chuck Bass is the reason I, a grown-ass woman in her late 20s, still consistently match with 23-year-olds in polo shirts on Hinge. So, it shocked me to find out that the man who plays a borderline sociopathic asshole who likes to intimidate and force himself upon unsuspecting women was allegedly, in real life, a borderline sociopathic asshole who likes to intimidate and force himself upon unsuspecting women. What is that saying about art imitating life? In 2018, actress Katrina Cohen came forward on Facebook and alleged that Westwick had raped her in 2015. In the Facebook post she says that the reason she didn’t come forward until after #MeToo was because she was persuaded into believing she was somehow complicit in her attack and that making accusations against the actor would kill her own career. No charges were ever filed due to “insufficient evidence” but the accusation itself is upsetting and troubling and reason enough for all of us to stop incorporating a whispered “I’m Chuck Bass” into foreplay (or is that just me?). Hey, Ed? You can go Chuck yourself now, mmkay?
Remember when the Bachelor was actually America’s most eligible man and not just a flaming piece of garbage masquerading as a very attractive human man? No? Me either. Chris Soules was the Bachelor back in 2014 but his most recent claim to fame is that he accidentally ran someone over—and killed him!—as a result of drinking and driving. Wow, do we think Becca Tilley is feeling blessed that she never received that final rose, or what? Chris, always the gentleman, took responsibility for his actions by evading charges at all costs. At one point his lawyers even claimed that the law he violated (leaving the scene of a hit and run) was actually unconstitutional because it, like, got him in trouble. Look, this is a thing I say when my barista f*cks up my order and puts three pumps instead of two pumps into my peppermint mocha, and in that instance, is totally valid. When it’s not valid? Manslaughter. Here’s hoping that in the new year he’s properly banished back to the Iowa cornfield from whence he crawled out of.
Sadly, I’m sure there are many more Hollywood hotties who could have made this list, but truthfully I’m afraid if I include any more I’ll slip into another rage blackout and accidentally burn this entire world to the ground. Anyway, can’t wait to see what the new decade brings! Hopefully it’s a continuance of believing women and holding men accountable for their disgusting, damaging, and just, like, really illegal behavior. Cheers to the new year!!
Images: Shutterstock.com (5)
You read that correctly. The Hollywood rumor wheel has struck again, this time at the hands of the classic trio Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Since Jen separated from Justin Theroux earlier this year, reports have circled that Brad and Jen may be rekindling their long-lost (and publicly adored) love. If this is true, then the “I Hate
Rachel Green Jennifer Aniston Club” is no more. But the juiciest part of this whole rumor? Justin Theroux and Angelina Jolie may be the newest Hollywood couple. The history of these two couples is more complex than keeping up with Kylie Jenner’s hair color, so here is a handy timeline.
The Divorce Timeline
March 2005: The world was devastated to learn that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston had decided to divorce, and Brad immediately gets together with Angelina Jolie. Ever since, whenever Brad and Angie are in the tabloids, they seem to drag Jen into the story as well. (This article is no exception.)
August 23, 2014: Although they’ve been together for 10 years prior, Brad and Angelina officially tie the knot. The couple refused to marry until gay marriage was legalized. Hats off to ya.
August 5, 2015: Jen and Justin started dating in 2012 and privately got married in 2015 at a ceremony “disguised as a party for family and friends to celebrate Justin’s birthday in a bid to keep people from discovering they were tying the knot.” Sneaky.
September 2016: Brangelina file for divorce.
February 11, 2017: Jen reportedly received a birthday message from her ex-lover (aka Brad slid into Jen’s DMs). TBH this wasn’t that sketchy until reports arose that Brad didn’t actually have her phone number. Instead, he had to go through a whole list of people in order to get it. That seems like a lot of effort for just an innocent birthday message. Brad, if you just want to f*ck, then just say it.
March 1, 2017: Us Weekly reported that the exes have been texting, but said that “Justin is OK with them being friends.” Aww poor Justin, so naive. If only someone told him that texting your ex is a red flag.
August 2017: Brangelina’s divorce is put on hold. A US Weekly source said, “Everyone thinks they are going to get back together … It wouldn’t be surprising if they announced that they’re calling it off and trying to work things out.”
February 15, 2018: Jennifer and Justin separate, releasing a statement that said: “This decision was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year.”
September 2018: Almost two years after initially filing for divorce, it has yet to be finalized. Angelina’s attorney submitted papers to the court stating that she wants a judgment “returning the parties to single status during calendar year 2018.” Does anyone else find it a weird coincidence that Brad and Angie’s divorce is re-introduced just a few months after Jen and Justin’s? Hmmm.
Although many sources discredited the rumors about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston being back together and possibly remarried *gasp,* I believe all Hollywood tabloid stories have some element of truth that reveals itself eventually. In Touch published a story saying the couple married on their 18th anniversary this past summer. But since Brangelina are technically still married, this couldn’t possibly be true. But I’m at least hoping these rumors have some sort of truth to them.
We Are Psychics
I’m not going to say Betches predicted the future but… Betches predicted the future. On March 1, 2017, the Head Pro wrote an article shortly before Brangelina’s divorce was put on hold in August of 2017. The article stated that Brad and Jen are “basically back together.” Although the rumors of the two rekindling their early 2000s romance and possibly re-marriage didn’t circulate until almost a year later, the Head Pro was ahead of the rest of us. Maybe fortune telling is a better career option for him? Real talk, though, the only people who know how long Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have been “seeing each other” is Jen and Brad. So when (not if) you guys want to go public with your
old new relationship, call me so we can be the first to report (or email us at [email protected]). Again. Thanks.
Now for the cherry on the sundae. While Brad and Jen are enjoying their relationship, Angelina reportedly got in contact with Justin. She set up a date with Jen’s ex while Angelina was in New York and the two really hit it off, as reported by New Idea on September 14. Idk how reliable this source is, though, since I’ve never heard of New Idea. Or maybe we are just ahead of the celebrity news game like last time. Believe what you want.
Images: Giphy (4)
Are you like, super into conspiracy theories? What about cults? True crime? Then you’re in luck. On October 1, we’re launching a new podcast that will talk about all of those things. It’s called Not Another True Crime Podcast. Follow us on Instagram at @natcpod and Twitter at @natcpod for more info.