5 Guys You Should Avoid While Dating In Your 20s

If you’re like me, you are struggling in all aspects of life right now, and chief among those aspects is dating. Look, I did the whole relationship thing from when I was a little baby college freshman until a year ago, with several selfish *ssholes nice guys and, call me crazy, but it just isn’t for me. However, I’m not so jaded from disappointing boyfriends that I have officially sworn off the Charlotte York in me. I’m just living my Samantha Jones truth right now, so I hope the days of my mom reading everything I write stop at the end of this paragraph. If not, it was nice knowing you mom!

Being broke in a city where a dollar slice is actually $5.50 (lookin’ at you Manhattan), dating is actually great because you get to get drunk AF discover hidden gems and pay $0. However, dating in New York (and any other place) can also be, um, challenging because this God-forsaken city is as full of Halal carts as it is weird f*cking dudes who think trivia on dates is chill. UNSUBSCRIBE. The worst part is that, unless he shows up to the date in like flip-flops or something, it can be difficult to distinguish between guys who suck and ones who don’t. Luckily for you, I’ve dated enough genuine pieces of sh*t to let you know which types of guys to avoid out there in the wild. Good luck.

The Guys’ Guy

When a guy is tight with his boys, it’s pretty cute. When a dude is obsessed with his frat brothers, it’s pretty annoying. I’m all for eternal brotherhood and everything (am I, though?), but if I’m 25 years old and sitting across from you at Bar Primi, I don’t give a sh*t about your fraternity now, later, or tomorrow. If a guy’s most interesting story starts with “When we were abroad,” delete his number immediately, because we already know all about the European way of life from Pulp Fiction, and don’t need it retold to us via someone who isn’t Vincent Vega. But be sure to remember the details of the story, so you can laugh about what an idiot he is with your friends at brunch. Unless you’re down to sit in misery pretending to give a sh*t watch him play Fortnite every time you go to his apartment, run, don’t walk, away. This dude doesn’t know what he wants, but it’s definitely not a relationship with a complex individual like yourself. Boy bye!

The Mama’s Boy

Similar to guys who are close with their friends, those who are close with their mothers can also be cute within reason. It can also be f*cking weird, so pay close attention. As Freud said, a dude’s relationship with his mom sets the foundation for all of his future exchanges with queens like yourself, so if his mom does his laundry, calls him 87 times a day and/or thinks you’re a bad influence because you have more than one piercing in your ear, you’re f*cked and this guy is going to die alone unless his mommy outlives him. Freud said that, right?

The Recently Single Guy

If a guy and his longtime girlfriend just broke up, the odds aren’t ever in your favor. There is no success on your horizon in any area of this ~relationship~ because, contrary to his good acting skills, he is as over his ex as he is into you, which is not at all. This is the kind of guy who will likely save your number in his phone as the name of the bar where you drunkenly made out while your friends took photos met. Not speaking from personal experience or anything. It just happens. Whatever. Anyway, I have to say, I can’t blame this guy for not wanting to console me as we watch Titanic, or whatever the f*ck else boyfriends do, if he just broke up with someone. Think about how mentally taxing (and great, life-affirming, meaningful, blah, blah, blah) a relationship is. Now think about how mentally taxing a breakup is. That’s where this guy is right now, so stop adding sh*t to your Zara cart in preparation for the day he introduces you to his friends. You is kind, you is smart, you is a rebound. Is it too late now to say sorry?

The Single Forever Guy

Or as I and all women like to call them, f*ckboys. We’ve all come into contact with a f*ckboy and kept letting him buy us jack and cokes after he has exhibited a raging swarm of red flags because we thought we could change him. No? Alone again? Awesome sauce! Speaking objectively here, if a guy is in his mid- to late-20s and has never had any semblance of a serious relationship, steer clear. If you’re about to go at it in the comments and defend these guys, you are currently dating a f*ckboy. There is a reason for his never taking the same girl to work functions, and it usually starts with fear of commitment. If my AP Psych class taught me anything, it’s that fear usually manifests itself in an unpleasant experience. For example, I am afraid of heights because I drunkenly plummeted slipped off the bar my chair at the neighborhood bar and grill near my university. But what has a 20-something dude who has never dated anyone ever legitimately committed to that sprang upon him this fear of commitment? His nightly FIFA games? As Orange Is the New Black’s songstress and felon Taystee Jefferson would say, “That’s some bullsh*t.”

The Stage-5 Clinger

You know when you go on a few dates with someone you’re actually fairly into and then he suddenly ghosts you and you’ve lost all faith in humanity? Same, girl. The only way to restore your faith in the male race is via someone who actually texts you back and doesn’t assume you’re still playing the field after three months of pretending to think his display of empty liquor bottles is a neat art installation. Is this too much to ask? Are we setting the bar too high here? I think not. The problem with the guys who seem normal and not at all a**holes tend to take it too far, too fast. These clingers are the types of unstoppable morons who don’t even know how to pronounce your last name, yet and are already out here saying things like “I can’t wait for you to meet my family.” No thanks! I literally have a friend who dated someone who actually had the audacity to say on a first date, “I can see myself marrying you,” WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK? This isn’t Meet the Contestants night of The Bachelorette, where saying things like that is kind of okay. Bottom line is stage-5 clingers are not to be f*cked with and that is all I have to say about that.

Images: Shutterstock;  Giphy (2)

5 Signs You’re Just A Hookup

Unless you’re still dating your high school boyfriend like seven years later (congrats, weirdo), you’ve def come across a guy at some point and wondered, “is he actually into me or am I just a hookup?” It’s something that you should figure out, specifically if you’re emotionally unstable and afraid of rejection. Though I’m sure it’s baffling that everyone isn’t in love with you, men are, as a rule, idiots.

Once upon a time, I was an absolute moron and basically thought that if I started talking to a guy I’d eventually date him. That’s when I stumbled upon the Betches dating book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, one day and got a clue. This isn’t even #sponsored, it’s just how I found my way to this website. But also buy their new book because it’s equally brilliant. K sorry I’ll stop fangirling.

Anyway, you don’t want to be a dumbass by focusing on a single guy and refusing to talk to other potentially even hotter guys just because you’re convinced that you’re going to start dating and you don’t want to ruin it. That’s stupid for so many reasons. Basically, here are all the signs you’re just a hookup that I wish I had always known. These have been gathered from my friends and my own idiocy. I also polled some of my guy friends so you could get the ~inside scoop~.

Hopefully, you already know the obvious. If he only texts you at 2am, he doesn’t want to date you. But boys, despite being complete buffoons to girls, are tbh a little sneaky sometimes. So without further ado, here are some slightly less obvious signs you’re just a hookup and he’s not that into you, sorry bb.

1. You’ve Never Seen Him Consume Anything But Alcohol

Either he’s secretly a vampire (cue a Vampire Diaries marathon) or he doesn’t want to waste money buying you food when he can just buy you shots in a few hours when you meet up at a bar. “Oh yeah, we’ll get dinner next time but come to Kell’s tonight!” Don’t fall for that.

2. He Takes Forever To Reply

He takes a day to text you back, and when he does, his texts makes no sense, he doesn’t answer any of your questions, he OBNRs your Snapchat (if you’re, like, under 21 this is especially important), etc. it’s one of the surefire signs you’re just a hookup. If he replies with, “Oh sorry just saw this” or “Was slammed this week with work,” you should call BS and move on. Three different guys I polled were like, “we’re always lying when we say this,” sooo consider it a line.

3. He Doesn’t Take You To Brunch The Next Morning

Just because he let you sleep over does not mean he’s necessarily into you. Like, okay, he didn’t shove you out of bed at 4am. So, he’s… a semi-decent human being? I wouldn’t go announcing your impending nuptials. Ask yourself a few more questions: Did you wake up wedged between the mattress and the wall with no covers? Did he mutter something about how the door locks and run off to “use the bathroom” so you can change and leave ASAP? Did he promise to text you later even though you haven’t even exchanged numbers? If you answer yes to any of these questions, ding ding ding (!!) he’s an asshole, and he’s probs not into you.

If, however, he offers to take you out for brunch, or even just a casual coffee at Philz, then things are looking up. At the very least, he better text you after hooking up.

4. He Doesn’t Talk With You About Substantial Things

Do you know anything about his life? Like, does he have a little sister? Have a favorite food? Know when his next midterm is? And more importantly, does he know anything about you? Does he remember your birthday? Or like, I don’t know, if you have a huge presentation for work? Basically, if he knows details about you, that means he cares enough to remember boring sh*t about your life. If he only remembers to text you Saturday night because ~suddenly~ he wants to know “what’s up” then leave him on read.

5. He’s Rude In Person

Either he’s supremely awkward (in which case, ew byeeeeee) or he just doesn’t want to talk to you. Sure, it’s immature to be standing eight inches away from someone and not say hi, but really, you can’t expect much from 22-year-olds who still think they’re in a frat. Anyway, if he looks away when you walk by or mutters “hey” before walking off in the other direction aggressively “texting” then yeah, he’s not interested.

Even though it may suck to realize that your future husband potential boyfriend person of interest isn’t actually, um, interested in you, it’s a healthy thing to realize. You really don’t want to waste time and brain space on a guy that’s not good enough for you anyway when you could be finding someone else instead or bingeing all the Netflix romcoms ever created, because tbh that sounds more fun.

Images: Giphy (4)

How To Get Him To Define The Relationship Without Embarrassing Yourself

Because my MO is apparently to just discredit myself before I even have the chance to give amazing advice, I’m going to start this article off with a confession about my last DTR* experience. (*DTR = the “define the relationship” conversation, BTW. And we actually mean “conversation.” We’re not talking about the drunk scene you make screaming, “What are we?!” at 2am, or the talk you have the next afternoon when you’re deep in your shame hangover.) Anyway, my drunk at 2am DTR prep-talk involved me getting jealous of a high school friend and playing the piano, so it would obviously be the worst memory of my life, if I remembered it. My sober DTR wasn’t a lot better—I wound up telling him I wanted to “slow down,” when he hadn’t even thought we were dating. Besides the fact that I’m incredibly smooth, what you should be gleaning here is that there are many, many wrong ways to DTR (and you’ve probably tried at least three). Here are some (slightly) less cringe-inducing ways to have this conversation.

Two Drink Max

Yeah, this is one of the few times I’m going to recommend you hold off on the pre-date vodka sodas. I totally get the urge to blur some of the memory and get some liquid courage, but sometimes liquid courage looks like you speaking your mind, and sometimes it’s just an incoherent asshole. If you give any kind of a shit (and if you’re having this convo, you probably do), now’s not the time you want to take that gamble.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Sh

Know What You Want

In the early stages of dating, it’s really easy to get wrapped up in holding a guy’s attention; it’s exciting, it’s fun, and it usually involves free stuff. But if you’re getting anxious about tying down your latest booty call (I have no fucking clue what the kids are actually calling it these days, and I don’t intend to learn), take a second to think about whether you really want to be with this specific guy, or if you just don’t want to be alone. If you pull the trigger on a DTR and then realize it’s the latter, you’re going to be in an awkward, sexless relationship with a tiny, tiny high of you realizing you had the upper hand all along, followed by three weeks of you guilting yourself into dumping him.


Be Honest

Along those lines, if he initiates the DTR and your answer to “What are we?” is “I don’t know,” “I’m not sure,” or even “I really want to date you”—you have to say those things. Out loud. Is it fun? No. It doesn’t even burn calories, like most other un-fun activities I subject myself to. But you know what’s even less fun? Having a second nausea-inducing DTR two weeks later, because you lied your ass off the first time, and you both still have no idea what’s going on.

That Means Nothing The Office

If Possible, Avoid It

As I say this, I fully expect a collective scream of fury from everyone who’s ever dated men, because I KNOW it is not your fault that these talks have become a “thing.” But in all honesty, I think the rise in the term DTR is pretty directly correlated to a recent proliferation of douchebags in our society. The guy who makes you ask him, point-blank, “Do you care about me?,” is clearly not otherwise demonstrating that fact—probably because he does not, in fact, care about you. If you’re entering this conversation afraid that it’s the last time you’ll see him, maybe ask yourself why you’re so eager to settle for such a low level of excitement from a potential boyfriend. And maybe don’t be too surprised if it turns out he thought you were just “hanging out.”

Unpleasant Tina Fey Jon Hamm

Basically, as we’ve said before, there are ways to mitigate the damage initiating a DTR convo will to do your ego, but if you have to ask him in the first place, his answer is probably a no. Don’t shoot the messenger; I’m only trying to help.

3 Foolproof Ways To Tell If A Fuckboy Is Lying To You

Now that we are officially living in the age of Deanie Babies, it’s time to acknowledge the fuckboy type that we’ve all let come too far: the guy who comes off as emotional, sensitive, and into you (while directly in front of you), then turns around and treats you like a stranger. (The term I’ve heard most commonly for this is “softboy,” but that just makes me think his dick doesn’t work.)

Dean Emotional 24 Hours

The problem with this guy is that he’s “emotionally evolved” enough that he’ll try to avoid lying to you outright—instead, he’ll often actually present himself as going out of his way to be honest, while telling you misleading garbage that serves his own needs. If you find yourself in this situation (and if you’re planning on being single sometime this century, you will), please don’t come sniffling to brunch saying that it’s “your fault,” since he was “really open about his commitment issues.” I mean, yeah, if a guy brings up commitment issues and you don’t immediately take a blowtorch to his phone, then you’re fucking up at least a little—but a guy who treats you like you’re dating and then makes you feel crazy for it is ** absolutely ** a liar, and this is largely not your fault. Here’s how you can weed the “softboys” out early:

1. Ask Him Out

For most guys, “Are you free Friday?” is not the conversational equivalent of a loaded gun. But someone who’s trying to come off as a good guy, while blowing you off, can’t hit you with something as basic as a “not sure,” or leave you on read—nope, this guy will take that question and do fucking backflips with it until your grasp on reality is firmly shaken. Basically, this guy will do anything to deflect attention to the question itself, whether it’s by treating it like an invite to your cousin’s wedding in six months, or making a “joke” about how clingy you are. Classic softboy responses here include “You’ll be the first to know when I find out,” “I didn’t know we were official like that,” and “Ooh, you’re keeping tabs on me already.”

2. Slightly Inconvenience Him

In the early stages of dating, there’s a natural instinct to hide your inner princess and text back “awesome!” when he says he’ll be over in 10, even if you’re in sweats and week-old mascara. But if a guy is actually excited about seeing you, he’s not going to be thrown off by a “make it 20” text; he’s comfortable with the idea that seeing you is his plan for the evening, and this doesn’t change that. The modern fuckboy, however, will take this 10-minute delay as an opportunity to feel like you’re “controlling him” or re-evaluate the entire relationship, because he has to spend 10 minutes occupying himself that he didn’t plan on. The second you become more complicated than a stuffed animal, this guy is gone—he wants you to be a distraction from his life, not an actual part of it.

Blair Waldorf

2. Pay Attention To Actions

Generally speaking, when peoples’ actions don’t match their words, that’s a pretty good indication that they’re lying. With the guys you’re probably dating, this is complicated by the fact that they’re obsessed with hypotheticals, probably because it’s the verbal equivalent of a no-strings-attached relationship. If a guy says, “I would love to bring you to my lake house sometime,” and never actually takes you to his lake house, dump him. (Side note: If he does take you to a lake house, dump him anyway. Lakes are the ugly sister to the beach, and you’re too good for that.) He’s enjoying watching you get excited over something that will never happen, and indulging in a fantasy 48-hour lakeside bang fest (this is probably not a common fantasy just FYI, sorry I keep talking about lakes) without any of the commitment of actually doing it. This guy seems into you (why would he even bring it up if he didn’t want to do it?), but really he’s just into himself and likes watching you fall for him. It’s the equivalent of flexing in the mirror, but with emotions.


Basically, when a guy is telling you the truth, you won’t have to ask any of these questions. 85-100% of the signs will point to him being into you. But if a guy only seems promising about 50% of the time, he’s not interested in anything other than your attention and vaguely not seeming like a dick. He’ll torture you for years if you let him, so please just go ahead and don’t.

10 Things Guys Need To Stop Doing

It’s a universally known fact that guys are shitty, like, generally. They’re lazy, they’re sloppy, they’re immature, they’re insensitive, they have mommy issues, and sometimes, they’re downright sexist. It’s basically indisputable that women are more often than not on the receiving end of stomach-churning male behavior, whether we’re being mocked, objectified, or even denied basic human rights, and no one knows this better than The Betches me.

We’ll save the serious political shit for another article, but the unacceptable shit that guys try to pull unfortunately extends into the mundane everyday stuff too. Like when you’re at the gym just trying to use the Stairmaster in peace and you can practically feel the eyes of the guy on the machine behind you boring a hole through the back your leggings. It’s uncomfortable, it’s violating, it’s unacceptable, and, most importantly, it interferes with your ability to live your best life. So below, we’ve enumerated the things guys do that aren’t just obnoxious but downright offensive—and need to stop, like, immediately.

1. Cat-calling: I honestly don’t get what the point of cat-calling is. Has any woman ever been like “well I wasn’t considering sucking your dick at all but now that you mention it I’ve got 5 extra minutes?”

2. Sending dick pics: Once again, no. a dick pic is never, I repeat, NEVER, a pleasant surprise.

3. Saying “m’lady”: Studies have shown that 99% of guys who say m’lady wear a fedora and are still a virgin by the time they turn 29.

4. Asking me what I’m gonna do when I get married since I can’t cook: I think the better question is, what are you going to do when you get married, since you can’t cook to save your ass, either? Because I for one am going to marry a rich pro and hire a personal chef, so…

5. Saying shit that, at the time, they blatantly do not mean: Like for example when you go on a date and you know you’re both kind of like “meh” about it at the end of it and instead of being a normal rational human and not even bringing up seeing each other again since it’s obvious neither of you want to do that, the guy is all, “Hey that was super fun we should totally do it again, I’ll text you.” And you’re just standing there like “We both know that’s not going to happen, nor do we want it to happen, so…why?” Why are you literally wasting your breath just to talk shit that has no bearing on my life one way or the other?

6. Openly bashing all feminists because “all feminists are just a bunch of bitches who think all men are horrible and deserve to die” and that’s just not true: Do you even see the irony of what’s going on here?

7. Putting their hands on the back of the girl’s head and pushing when she is going down on them: Oddly specific? Yes. Makes me homicidal? Also yes. Bros out there, I know when you go down on a girl there’s no real danger other than perhaps drowning in the pussy. But when I give head I am literally choking myself repeatedly until you nut. Seriously, the choking hazard is very real, so quit testing my gag reflex unless you want vomit on your hands…er, I mean, dick.

8. Grabbing girls around the waist in crowded places: Like when you’re trying to squeeze past me in a bar, why can’t you tap me on my shoulder, or I don’t know, any other place that isn’t as sexual and violating? If I don’t know you I can’t think of a single reason you should put your hand anywhere near my lower back region, unless you’re trying to see how far I can jump in the air when startled.

9. Messing around with my hair without asking: Contrary to popular belief, I did not actually wake up like this. This thing on my head that you think is your own personal petting zoo took a lot of time and styling and money and you cannot just rake your hands through it like you’re making crop circles or it will get fucked up. Don’t try me.

10. Calling girls “bro”: That is, unless you want me to start off my texts from now on with, “Giiiiiirlllll.”

Shut it down. All of it. Kthxbye.

12 Signs Your Guy Friend Wants To Date You: For The Clueless Among Us

As we’ve said before, heterosexual guys and girls can’t really be friends, because in almost every situation at least one party is just biding their time until the other person lets their guard down and finally lets them smash. The friend zone (a term which we object to on principle but will use for convenience sake here) can be a chill place when you and your guy friend have both agreed that’s where you’d like to be, but as literally every sad Reddit commenter has taught us, a lot of guys are only in the friend zone because they don’t know how to get out if it. For these guys, being in the friend zone is like when you go to a party where and there’s no more alcohol left, just sober people playing Apples to Apples—you want to GTFO as quickly as possible. In order to spare the men in your life this turmoil (because men have it really hard these days), here’s how to tell if they guy who you describe as “like a brother to me” is actually more interested in getting in your pants.

1. He’s Always Free To Hang Out When You Want To Do Something

Even your besties aren’t always free when you are. If your guy friend is always available, he’s def bailing on other plans just so he can reply “nm what are you up to” when you ask him what he’s doing. It’s also safe to assume that he’s lied and said he’s hungry even though he just ate dinner. He also low-key missed his grandma’s funeral so that he could make your birthday party, and ended up having to Facetime into the wake while you were on the dance floor making out with a rando. 

2. When You Talk About Dating Other Bros He Thinks They’re All Assholes

To be fair, a lot of men are assholes, but most guys give each other the benefit of the doubt/don’t give enough of a fuck to shit talk someone they don’t know. It’s like a bro code. Dudes will always stand up for fellow dudes’ shitty logic, even if it means justifying punching through a window as a reasonable strategy for conflic resolution—unless, of course, he wants to date you. Then, suddenly, no dude is enough for you. They’re all too dumb, too shady, or too tiny-penised to deserve your attention. If you actually listened to his advice, you’d realize that the intelligent, honest, big-dicked man of your dreams is right in front of you. Unfortunately for him, you never will because why would anyone ever take their guy friend’s advice about dating? 

3. He Has Called You His “Fake Girlfriend” Or Introduced You As “Wifey” As A Joke

Guys have a hard enough time calling their real girlfriends their girlfriends, so the fact that he even wants to label you as anything other than a friend is his way of testing the waters to an actual relationship with you. Next thing you know he’ll be like, “Wouldn’t it be cute if you wore my Grandma’s old wedding ring?” and “Hahahaha what if you signed this marriage certificate?” 

4. You’ve Never Actually Met Any Of The Girls He’s Dated

He will mention going on dates sometimes, but you’ve never met any of these girls. Who are they? Even a brief look at his Instagram will show that his interactions with females are limited to tagging you in photos, liking your photos, commenting on your friends’ photos of you, and the occasional Russian sex bot. When some rando girl eventually does pop into his life, it’ll take about two days for her to realize who the real woman in his life is and commence hating you with a firey passion. She’ll spend the entire relationship being fake AF to your face and demanding to know why you’re his best friend on Snapchat behind closed doors. 


5. He Takes You Out For Dinner On Your Birthday

Anything other than buying you a shot at a birthday party all your friends are already at is a lot to begin with. But if he takes you out for a separate meal on your birthday, he’s either trying to date you or adopt you. Probably the former, all things considered. He’ll probably even jokingly refer to it as a “date” like five to 10 times before you realize what’s going on, pretend to have a birthday emergency, and tell him you’ll Venmo him for half the bill knowing full well he’ll never charge you. 

6. He Walks You To Your Car/Door/Subway Stop When You Say Goodbye

After you guys hang out, he makes a point to walk with you to the farthest point he can accompany you to, because he doesn’t want to say goodbye. Also he’s probably hoping he will finally make a move, but he won’t. He’ll just walk you to your door at which point you’ll tell him about the hot new guy who moved into your building, get distracted by your phone, and go inside without even so much as an awkward side hug. He’ll chill on your porch for another 5-10 minutes, debating running inside and confessing his love, before going home and masturbating to your Snap story instead. 

7. He Responds To Your Texts Right Away

This one is self explanatory. Your mom doesn’t even do that.

8. When You Go Out With With A Group Of Friends, He Never Hits On Other Girls

I mean, unless you count all those drinks he bought you. You try to point out girls for him to talk to, but he always seems to have a problem with them. They’re not pretty enough, they look bitchy, too blonde, too tall, too skinny, not you, etc…

9. He’s Always The First To Comment On Or Like A New Pic When You Post It

It’s almost like he has an alert set for your Instagram posts (he does). 

10. He Always Watches Your Snapchat And Instagram Stories

He’s hoping you’ll give him a clue to how he can get you to like him more. It’s like, he’s just hanging by his phone hoping you’ll post “First person to watch this gets to be my boyfriend!” but alas, it’s just another dog face selfie. 

11. He Remembers Shit About You That You Don’t Remember Telling Him

He remembers that every day in third grade you used to share your lunch with that little skinny squirrel, and that time you read your poem “I Wish I Was A Mermaid” to your entire fifth grade class and your hands were shaking. Also, he named his boat after you. 

Seth Cohen

12. He Says “You’re Cool” Or “You’re Great” Just Because

I mean, we know we are cool and great, perhaps even “grool,” but he’s spending time during his day thinking about you enough to warrant an unsolicited compliment text, and that means he sees you as more than a friend. Also he’s like, a little obsessed and there’s no way he wouldn’t be the type of boyfriend that wants to merge calendars to figure out exactly how to meet up at every available point in the day. It’s exactly this clingy obsession that will always prevent the two of you from being together, and will inspire his inevitable future career as a Men’s Rights Activist on YouTube. 

What type of fuckboy should you date based on your horoscope? Find out here!
Dear Betch, How Do I Recover From Acting Like A Drunken Idiot?

Dear Betches,

I am suffering from some serious drunken regrets right now! I was casually seeing (regularly having sex, going on dates ~3x/week, talking every day, etc.) this guy for about 3-4 months. Naturally/unfortunately, I started to catch feelings and when I brought up how I felt and wanting to be a bit more serious, and he wasn’t on the same page, we decided to end things and left off on good terms about a month ago.

I usually pride myself in my ability to not drunk text, but I was especially wasted this weekend and texted him around midnight. I was out and he was at home sober, but I told him to come over and he did. Totally blacked out when he got there and woke up confused with him in my bed. Usually we’d get breakfast or something, but he told me I was so wasted the night before and being so weird, saying the stupidest things, etc., but he wouldn’t tell me what! He left shortly after and ever since I’ve been so embarrassed and can’t stop obsessing over what I must’ve been acting like. I know I shouldn’t care, we don’t have many mutual friends and he’s not someone I run into when I’m out, but still, I did have feelings for him and I don’t like that his opinion of me probably isn’t that great anymore.

Any tips on how I can get over the regret and embarrassment I’m feeling?

I love when people write into me like “How do I stop feeling sad over my ex?” or in this case “How do I stop feeling embarrassed?” The short answer is: you just fucking do it. I wish I could control other people’s feelings, but I can’t do that. If I could, I would use my superpowers for the greater good, i.e., getting Future to fall in love with me and not helping you overcome one slightly embarrassing moment. Just let it go/laugh it off. Everyone says dumb shit when they’re drunk at some point or another. Until I complete the final testing on my time machine, you can’t go back and un-say what you said to this guy. But for the record, when my time traveling device is complete I’m not sharing it with you bitches.

Chappelle Money

Dear Betch,

I dated my best friend and it ended terribly. He started seeing his ex again (primary reason for the break up) and I am absolutely psychotic and agreed to try and be friends (stupid) after a few tears were shed between the two of us. He informed me that his girlfriend doesn’t like me (not shit, I wouldn’t like me, either). I don’t want to be her friend and I don’t care whether or not she likes me but I am afraid that if I were to agree to be his friend: 1. she would turn him against me (she has already tried) and 2. that he just says he wants to be friends because he feels bad about what happened or wants me to tell him that what he did to me was okay and that as soon as I agree to be his friend again he will stop trying because he won’t feel bad about it anymore.

There is no way on his own that he would stop talking to me—I am his best friend and we used to be inseparable. But the friendship was already damaged by our breakup and he has known her for much longer than he has known me. He also obviously chose her over me and was he a true friend if he could use me when he was lonely and move on that easily? They jumped back into their relationship the same day he broke up with me.

I am currently not speaking to him and told him that it is not likely that we can ever be friends. Although I agreed that our relationship got boring (his fault, no doubt in my mind) I think it was because I was trying so hard to make him happy since I knew I was the only person who could. We were a lot better when we were just friends but I don’t know that he needs me now since he’s the type of person that drops his friends and only sees his girlfriend when he’s in a relationship.

I am considering two routes: not talking to him until they break up and he realizes how stupid he was for getting back together with her for the 38924th time or being a friend and talking to him. The main problem is that he really fucked up in a super serious way and I am the best person capable of understanding the situation. While it was frustrating to have to deal with everything with his problem, I know the best way for him to move on from it is by talking to me.

I don’t want to lose him as a friend but he really didn’t treat me like one by treating me so badly and getting back with his ex after he was well aware that I would not be able to accept that. She treated him so badly and it’s one of those things where you hate your best friends ex and every time they get back together and they have the same stupid drama you just want to scream GET OVER IT you’re not going to marry each other!!!!!! I told him that if he wanted to get back together with her he would lose me as a friend and that is exactly what he chose. He keeps asking if there is anything he can do to make it up to me but he must not have cared that much about me if he used me as a rebound and got back with his ex right?

The last time they got back together I honestly did continue talking to him in the hopes that we would start hooking up again but after being together for a while the sex got boring so I don’t even know that this is worth it. The only things I could get out of this now are the “you were right, I shouldn’t have done that” and maybe making him feel a little better (but I don’t know that he deserves to).

Is he being genuine or does he just want to feel better about what he did? Or is he holding on to me to make sure he has a backup plan?
Sorry for rambling :/

Blank Stare

You’re all over the place. First, you’re blaming him for being a boring boyfriend. Then, you’re saying nobody could make him happy like you could. Are you a ’90s pop singer? Cut that shit out. I’m getting whiplash rn from all the different positions you take in this letter (I will withold the Trump jokes—for now). Anyway, yeah, you should stop being friends with this dude. Do I really have to rehash the “You never had a guy friend, you had someone who was willing to play the long game and wait it out until he could fuck you” thing? Because I’ll do it. Oh wait, I guess I just did. Anyway, yeah, stop talking to him. If you dated, he’s no longer your “friend”—he’s your ex. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend talking to an ex he just broke up with, either.

Also, “I know the best way for him to move on from it is by talking to me” ??? Bitch, what? You really think the best way for this guy to get over his relationship with you is by talking to you about it? Are you on drugs? I don’t have time for this. Distance yourself from this “friend.” Bye.

5 Times He’s Def Ignoring You & Not Just Busy

No one plays mind games better than a betch can. But sometimes, bros give us a run for our money when they ignore us. But the line between ignoring someone and having a legit excuse is as hazy as the number of guys you hooked up with freshman year. But can you really tell if he’s like, trying to be silent or if he’s like accidentally silent? Yes. We can. And here’s exactly 5 situations where he is most likely ignoring you… and what to do in them.

1. You Text Him “Hey” Out Of The Blue And He Hasn’t Replied For Hours

If he usually replies right away and you have reason to believe he’s ignoring you, then he might be ignoring you. If you’re not sure if he’s ignoring you or just busy, try texting him something more interesting. A “hey” is like, asking to be ignored. Even if we weren’t busy, we’d find something to do just to not respond to a “hey.” But, hey, he might just be busy. The only way to find out is to stop being so boring.

2. You Were In The Middle Of A Conversation Where He Said He Wanted To Hang Out But He Stopped Replying

Specifically, when you tried to nail down a time and place. “Sure, does Thursday work?” Radio silence for days. Sure, he could be in the middle of driving or working out and just didn’t think to mention it since you were having such good conversation, but like, we live in the real world—for the time being, at least. So here’s what you do: go work out and work on your revenge body. Then if he still hasn’t texted you after your workout, you know for sure he’s ignoring you. If he asks—and ONLY if he asks—tell him your Thursday just got booked, and that you’re sorry it didn’t work out. Or better yet, beat him at his own passive-aggressive game and just don’t follow back up. Ever.

3. You Made Plans To Hang Out Over A Week Ago But When You Text Him To Confirm He Doesn’t Reply

Last week he couldn’t wait to see you. Now he’s not replying to confirm what time you’re meeting. Maybe he got caught up at work. But most people have their phones at work. And most people would still give their friends a heads up if a plan changes. Yet here you are, waiting to hear if your date is canceled as you get less excited and more annoyed to go on it. Don’t go on that date unless you actively want to be stood up. You’re a betch with important things to do—if a guy can’t be bothered to confirm your date, you should just assume it’s not happening and then make plans to get drunk with your friends instead. Definitely don’t let him off the hook from him when you do eventually get a bullshit apology from him. A guy who can’t even be bothered to confirm plans with you isn’t worth said plans.

4. You Responded To A Text He Sent You Asking “What’s Up” & He Hasn’t Replied Back

Also he liked a status of yours since. The fact that he liked your status is indication he doesn’t want to reply to your text. He wants you to know he’s still DTF but not really interested in talking to you. He’s definitely ignoring you, and you can react by forgetting he exists.

5. You Texted Him Something Important That Definitely Warrants A Response

You were like “Hey, I left my car keys in your apartment is there any way you can let me back in?” And now it’s been two hours and you walked home. Still no response. He did say he had “a lot of work to do” when you left, but this is 2017 and we all bring our phones to the bathroom. So this might be one situation in which it’s okay to go Stage 5 Psycho on him and show up at his place unannounced—you just want your pink shirt stuff back!! 

The bottom line is, if you think he’s ignoring you, he probably is, and you should ignore him right the fuck back. He might think he’s playing hard to get, but ultimately he’s playing himself. Betches have about as much time for childish bullshit as we do for people who talk to us before we’ve had coffee—aka none.