Apparently, it’s a thing to make bets on how long your friends’ relationships will last. Like, why not profit off your friends’ unhappiness? Some guys I know are weirdly good at making these bets. It made me start to wonder, what exactly are the signs your relationship won’t last?

You’d think they’d be obvious, but since girls keep missing them, it’s time for a little refresher. As much as you might wish otherwise, your relationship probably isn’t the exception to the rule. Sorry. So before you start picking out engagement rings, clue into these signs your relationship won’t last, and your “bae” might not be around for much longer.

1. You Started Dating Within Two Minutes Of Meeting

So you may argue that some relationships that start quickly don’t fail. You know, all that love at first sight, Romeo & Juliet stuff. That always works out oh so well, right? Wrong. So instead, let’s consider some possible scenarios.

1. Did you start dating because he was, like, really into you (as a whole entire person) or because you guys hadn’t slept together yet? You would think by 2018 that these medieval motivations would no longer be a thing, but boys are just as gross now as they were 1,000 years ago. Thank u, next.

2. Did you start dating because he was scared you’d start dating someone else? There’s nothing like a healthy dose of jealousy to make boys do irrational things. Maybe he wants to date you because he really likes you. But maybe he just wants to date you because five other guys like you too, and he wants to win and be the alpha male. (Again, boys are gross.)

3. Are you moving through relationship milestones too fast? A general rule of thumb: don’t tell someone you love them after you have known each other for a week. Don’t get engaged after dating for a month. Just because you think you’ve met your soulmate after a dance floor make-out doesn’t mean you’ll feel that way a month from now.

2. Your Life Goals Are Totally Different

In theory, opposites attract. But if you want to have a high-powered career and he’s still content getting stoned with the boys every night, you’re in very different stages of life. Just because someone is really f*cking attractive doesn’t make them your perfect match. That hot lax player in your Econ class may be fun to hook up with, but if you can’t hold a conversation now imagine, how freaking boring it would be to date him.

3. His Friends Suck

The Spice Girls weren’t wrong about dating someone’s friends when you date them (though their reunion tour is a different story). In the early stages, your boyfriend will spend a lot of time with your friends, so he better like them. And ditto for you.

If his friends suck, that’s kind of problematic. First of all, it will get annoying to hang out with a bunch of people you f*cking hate. Also, it gives you a clue to what he’s like when you’re not around. Are his friends all douchebags with the same sense of humor as a 12-year-old? Do they make crude comments about your friends or other women? Maybe not the most ideal guys, and hey, shocker, your boyfriend might not be either. “You are the company you keep” and all that sh*t.

On the flip side, if his friends don’t like you, that’s also bad news. Guys claim they don’t gossip as much as girls but TBH that does not seem true. If his friends are sh*t-talking you to him then a) bye, assholes and b) that’s a bad sign for your relationship.

4. The Relationship Is Unequal

Is one person super needy? Maybe it was flattering at first but it will get annoying when you can’t even hang out with your own friends. Either he needs to chill TF out or your relationship will fizzle once you eventually clue into the fact that losing all your friends for a rando boy is not worth it. Ever.

5. You’re Dating Out Of Convenience

Are both of you, like, really busy all the time? Maybe you have high-stress careers or you’re in training season for your sport and can’t go out anyway. So why not find yourself a stand-in soulmate? That’s really great…until one person decides they aren’t too busy to download Hinge and find someone they actually really like. Or until the other person realizes they were only a convenient option. Andddd now it’s messy.

If none of these signs fit you, then you’ll still probably break up eventually because most relationships end. Yeah, life sucks, and I’m cynical. Go buy yourself some hot chocolate and re-watch To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before for the twelfth time. Way more fun than dealing with some lame-ass boyfriend.

Images: Giphy (3)

The hardest thing about bringing a boyfriend home over the long family weekend (besides the long family weekend), is trying to decide if and when it’s not totally weird to have sex. Maybe your siblings are home or your parents’ room is within earshot, and is it just me, or does doing it in your childhood bed as an adult just feel kinda wrong? And not in a “this is so wrong it’s right” sort of way—more like a “this calls for a shower of bleach” sort of way.

Everyone’s family is different—and maybe you have no innocent childhood attachments to your bedroom. But risking a parent or sibling walk-in is extremely dangerous, so let’s dissect exactly what factors you should consider before getting down in your hometown.

1. Is It A ‘Meet The Parents’ Or A ‘Meet The Fockers’ Situation?

And I don’t mean are your parents Jewish or are your parents Robert DeNiro—I mean is this a first-time visit? If so, proceed with fucking caution. If you really like the dude, you probably don’t want your parents’ first impression to include a naked visual or an unsettling soundtrack. But if you don’t intend to bring him home ever again, you should probably go at it in your parents’ hot tub (unless your parents go at it in your parents’ hot tub—then ew).

2. The Acoustics

If the thought of your parents or siblings or dogs hearing you bone makes you as uncomfortable is it makes me, then there are a few very important things to determine before cranking up your Spotify sex playlist and jumping into your twin bed. Do you have a quiet voice? How creaky is that old bed—a repetitive bed creak can be worse than human-made noises. What sort of distance are we talking between your room and the closest relative? If you feel comfortable with all sound-related variables or if everyone in your house sleeps with earplugs because of a loud snorer in the family—then by all means, go for it.

3. The Bedroom Decor

If you have to swim through a pile of stuffed animals to even make it under the covers, it might be best to avoid letting your boyfriend see your room. And what does your Tiger Beat poster collection look like? Are you okay with JTT and Blink 182 watching you have sex? Is the BF ready for your Dashboard Confessional? Maybe you should consider redecorating instead of having sex—it could bring you the same level of satisfaction.

4. Family-Induced Stress Level

It’s entirely reasonable possible that by day three you are considering paying the $200 flight change fee just so you can get back to your messy parent-less apartment a few hours early. And if that’s the case, fuck it (and him). Why should you care what they think of you if you can’t stand being around them? In fact, the louder you are and more uncomfortable you make them feel, the less likely they are to bother you for the rest of the trip. Or give you money if you ever lose your job, so like, tread with caution on this option.

My general philosophy when it comes to gifts is to 1) figure out what you want and 2) email out a detailed registry tell the people in your life what that is. Unless all your loved ones are some combination of rich, stylish, and psychic, or you genuinely don’t give a shit (LOL), this is the best way to ensure you don’t end up pouting through Christmas day and getting a lecture about your “attitude.” Also, people will probably thank you for saving them hours of half-hearted Amazon scrolling dedicated research, so it’s a win for everyone.

When it comes to SOs, though, this is a little trickier.  You can chant “it’s the thought that counts” to yourself all you want while your boyfriend hands you a gift, but there’s going to be a little part of you that’s disappointed if the gift he chose doesn’t demonstrate that he’s willing to spend a lot of money on you he pays attention to your style/interests/Pinterest board and thoughtfully found something that you genuinely love. And of course, because boyfriends are meant to be life-completing soulmates who know you better than you know yourself (thanks a lot, Disney/patriarchy), he’d ideally have found this gift without your help. Personally, because I’m shallow AF, I still opt for giving clear and direct guidance here—but if you care about your gift being a surprise, I’d give general guidelines (e.g. “stuff” gift vs. “experience” gift, all your relevant sizes) and then set him loose. Here’s what the gift he comes up with says about your relationship.

Disclaimer: These analyses don’t really apply if you’ve been together forever/told him what you wanted and he got it. This is specifically for unrequested gifts from short- to medium-term SOs.

1. Clothing

There’s a bit of a range here, depending on what exactly he got you. If it’s an okay-but-not-great sweater, he likely enlisted his mom’s help for this gift and yet isn’t sure he sees a future with you—he just talks to his mom a lot. If it’s a gorgeous cashmere sweater, or a dress you’re actually excited to wear out, he has good taste and knows what you like/look good in. He also actually gives a shit and was probably really excited for you to open this (aka lock it down). If he buys you jeans or athletic wear (like, sports bras, not cool joggers/leggings you’ve ordered in front of him 40 times), he’s either an outdoorsy/CrossFit guy who has a tiny orgasm every time he saves five cents and thinks gifts should be “practical,” or he’s secretly a life coach hired by your mom. If the jeans were under $150 and any kind of boot-cut/flare, I’d dump him immediately or look forward to 20 years of shopping Black Friday sales at Old Navy.

2. Makeup/Shoes/Lingerie

This is a suspect gift, because there are very few straight males who would actually do a good job of picking this out. So, assuming he picked this out himself, he’s either gotten you an eye shadow palette that doubles as clown paint, or the G-string and stilettos he saw on PornHub last night, because that’s his understanding of “girly shit,” and he has no idea who you are as a person. And if he gets you legitimately nice makeup, shoes, or lingerie, you have three troubling options to consider: 1) this is a gift his ex-girlfriend really liked/requested 2) he has a way-too-involved female friend who’s secretly in love with him 3) he’s gay he legitimately knows more about fashion, beauty, and women’s underwear than you do, which is something you’ll have to decide if you’re okay with. Basically, nice makeup or shoes is a sneaky red flag and you should def investigate further.

3. Jewelry

I know girls aren’t supposed to ask for jewelry and it raises up engagement ring-related issues and blah blah but honestly, I think jewelry is a classic gift that, with some subtle nudging, is hard to mess up. If you’re even semi-serious and he makes enough money to afford better quality than Claire’s, a simple, pretty necklace or bracelet demonstrates that he’s invested (literally) and that he’ll probably get really happy whenever he sees you wear it. He’s also likely a pretty traditional guy who probably waited three dates to get to Bone Town and opens doors for you a lot—so if you’ve spent all week romanticizing the nuptials of someone who pretty recently donned a full Nazi uniform in public swooning over Prince Harry’s engagement to Meghan Markle, this guy is probably a good match.

4. Concert/Event Tickets/Day Trip

In recent years, there’s been a strong trend toward these “experience gifts,” largely consisting of people who voluntarily skydive (by which I mean, unlike Bachelor contestants who are forced into it) looking at you with pity and condescension when you mention the leather jacket you’ve been eyeing for three months. I mean, I guess experience gifts make for better Instas, but please don’t pretend you actually find it “more meaningful because the gift is the memory” or whatever. (Clearly, I am a “stuff gift” person, and I accept that it’s less cool because I have nicer stuff than you. Stop making me feel bad that I haven’t been to a concert in five years.) Ranting aside, these do have the ability to be very cool gifts that relate specifically to your interests (aka he listens when you talk, and doesn’t hate all music you love), and are an excellent sign that the guy in question sees a future with you, since he likely purchased tickets well in advance of the time he’d be attending, with full confidence that you would still be together when that date rolled around. These gifts are less cool if it’s clearly an event that only he will enjoy (one of HIS favorite artists, anything sport- or beer-related that you haven’t specifically mentioned you share an interest in), and he’s using the whole “experience gift” mythology as a way of pretending this is a thoughtful gift anyway.

5. Homemade And/Or “Trinkets”

Again, if you’re the kind of person who does actually think it’s the thought that counts (anyone?), this could be the best kind of gift to receive and has the potential to be very well-thought-out and sweet. On the other hand, if you’re the kind of person who is dead inside can appreciate sentiment but also likes nice things, even a sweet and thoughtful version of this will make you feel doubly like shit: first, for not appreciating the gesture; and second, for being with a guy who probably doesn’t understand why you need to bring more than underwear and a toothbrush for a week-long vacation. If he gets you this kind of gift and you’re disappointed with it, this is probably a sign that you two aren’t very compatible long-term. I’ve found that guys who insist on treating you as though you’re low-maintenance (when you’ve made it abundantly clear that you’re not) often don’t have a ton of respect for your values or priorities, and inherently view their mindset as “objectively correct.” You don’t need to settle for that, and it’s perfectly okay to want more than a handwritten note and a cookie from the Starbucks where you met for Christmas.

The most important test is obviously whether or not you like the gift he gives you: whatever category it falls into, gifts that make you happy are good gifts and no one else’s opinion matters. But if your winter cuff has slid over into just-serious-enough for gifts territory and you want to use this as a Hunger Games-type trial for his worthiness, feel free to rank his choices using the above scale—and if you drop ANY hints about gift-giving in the upcoming weeks, lead with the fact that gift receipts and lax return policies are always a good investment.

Because my MO is apparently to just discredit myself before I even have the chance to give amazing advice, I’m going to start this article off with a confession about my last DTR* experience. (*DTR = the “define the relationship” conversation, BTW. And we actually mean “conversation.” We’re not talking about the drunk scene you make screaming, “What are we?!” at 2am, or the talk you have the next afternoon when you’re deep in your shame hangover.) Anyway, my drunk at 2am DTR prep-talk involved me getting jealous of a high school friend and playing the piano, so it would obviously be the worst memory of my life, if I remembered it. My sober DTR wasn’t a lot better—I wound up telling him I wanted to “slow down,” when he hadn’t even thought we were dating. Besides the fact that I’m incredibly smooth, what you should be gleaning here is that there are many, many wrong ways to DTR (and you’ve probably tried at least three). Here are some (slightly) less cringe-inducing ways to have this conversation.

Two Drink Max

Yeah, this is one of the few times I’m going to recommend you hold off on the pre-date vodka sodas. I totally get the urge to blur some of the memory and get some liquid courage, but sometimes liquid courage looks like you speaking your mind, and sometimes it’s just an incoherent asshole. If you give any kind of a shit (and if you’re having this convo, you probably do), now’s not the time you want to take that gamble.

Know What You Want

In the early stages of dating, it’s really easy to get wrapped up in holding a guy’s attention; it’s exciting, it’s fun, and it usually involves free stuff. But if you’re getting anxious about tying down your latest booty call (I have no fucking clue what the kids are actually calling it these days, and I don’t intend to learn), take a second to think about whether you really want to be with this specific guy, or if you just don’t want to be alone. If you pull the trigger on a DTR and then realize it’s the latter, you’re going to be in an awkward, sexless relationship with a tiny, tiny high of you realizing you had the upper hand all along, followed by three weeks of you guilting yourself into dumping him.

Be Honest

Along those lines, if he initiates the DTR and your answer to “What are we?” is “I don’t know,” “I’m not sure,” or even “I really want to date you”—you have to say those things. Out loud. Is it fun? No. It doesn’t even burn calories, like most other un-fun activities I subject myself to. But you know what’s even less fun? Having a second nausea-inducing DTR two weeks later, because you lied your ass off the first time, and you both still have no idea what’s going on.

If Possible, Avoid It

As I say this, I fully expect a collective scream of fury from everyone who’s ever dated men, because I KNOW it is not your fault that these talks have become a “thing.” But in all honesty, I think the rise in the term DTR is pretty directly correlated to a recent proliferation of douchebags in our society. The guy who makes you ask him, point-blank, “Do you care about me?,” is clearly not otherwise demonstrating that fact—probably because he does not, in fact, care about you. If you’re entering this conversation afraid that it’s the last time you’ll see him, maybe ask yourself why you’re so eager to settle for such a low level of excitement from a potential boyfriend. And maybe don’t be too surprised if it turns out he thought you were just “hanging out.”

Basically, as we’ve said before, there are ways to mitigate the damage initiating a DTR convo will to do your ego, but if you have to ask him in the first place, his answer is probably a no. Don’t shoot the messenger; I’m only trying to help.

This weekend while you were busy focusing on the 15 hurricanes, wildfires, earthquakes, and tsunamis that were bearing down on the U.S., you may have missed news of another horrifying natural disaster than unexpectedly struck Bristol, U.K. this Saturday. I’m talking, of course, about 34-year-old Luke Howard, who went viral setting up a piano on College Green so that he can play continuously until he “gets his girlfriend back.” Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just groaned so loud my coworkers demanded I go to the hospital.

Ugh. Where to begin? Reading this guy’s fake-romantic scheme literally made me want to fly to Bristol, befriend him, and date him, just so that I could dump his ridiculous ass myself. And before you go all, “Aww! But people do crazy things to win back their true love!” fucking pause yourself because Luke Howard had not found his true love. In fact, he and the “girl who changed his life” had actually only been dating for four months. FOUR MONTHS?!? If I’m dating a guy for four months and he so much as breathes in my direction after I break up with him, that’s grounds for a restraining order. A four month relationship is like, nothing. Was this guy low-key a contestant on The Bachelor? Serious question. 

More importantly, unless this girl broke up with him for not playing enough piano (broken up with guys for weirder reasons TBH…), this scheme is not going to work. Hey Luke: Maybe instead of creating an embarrassing public spectacle to try and shame this woman into returning to your creepy arms, you should just like, work on whatever it is she dumped you for? Radical idea, I know, but maybe, just maybe, this girl broke up with you because of your insane, stalker-ish personality, and playing the first few bars of Vanessa Carlton’s A Thousand Miles over and over again isn’t going to help with that.

And to anyone who says this is romantic: please take every fucking seat. This is exactly the kind of stalker-ish, Edward Cullen-esque behavior that makes women the subject of a Netflix true crime documentary. IDK how laws work in the U.K., but this guy should be arrested immediately on suspicion of being a dumbass. It would def save his poor ex girlfriend a lot of trouble.

Oh, and of course, this guy looks exactly like you’d imagine him to look. Seriously. Take a moment to picture him in your mind. Did he look like this?

See what I mean. And let’s not even get into the fact that this Piano Man 34 years old. This is a grown-ass man. He should be scheduling his first prostate exam, not subjecting his classmates to some pathetic public Seth Cohen impression.

Even more infuriating? While Luke didn’t give up the name of his beloved (how kind), he has referred to her in the media exclusively as his “Rapunzel.” Barf. Every barf. So much barf that it fills up College Green and the area is forced to evacuate. This woman isn’t a princess, dude. She’s a student who is trying to go to class without running into her ex, his piano, and some washed out Sam Smith cover. And let’s not even get into the troubling “I want to trap you in a tower” imagery that comes into play here.

So why did he do this? Apart from like, wanting attention, which I can low-key respect. He said the breakup, “Wasn’t anything nasty or bad, it was just life getting in the way. If it was anything bad why we split up then. I wouldn’t be doing this, but it’s the only thing I can think of doing. I know people in this situation usually send flowers or text or write letters but that only ever seems to make things worse.”

Okay, so, first of all, if there wasn’t a “reason” why you guys broke up apart from “life getting in the way” then the “reason” is that she’s just not that into you, and you should leave her the fuck alone. Second of all, you are literally making it worse. Way, way worse.

And if anyone out there isn’t convinced that Luke did this 10% for love and 90% for the likes, check this out:

That’s right. He put up a sign with his Instagram handle that asked people to “please like and share my page.” I’m sorry, but I thought this was for your girlfriend? Does she not know your Instagram handle? Did you break up because not enough people liked and shared your page? I’m confused. Also, your handwriting looks like shit. Don’t you have a girlfriend who could have written this out for you? Oh…wait…

If I were this girl’s friend, I would tell her to run, not walk, away from this forlorn fuckboy. Here’s hoping he’s stuck playing that piano for a very, very long time. 

We talk about the Game Of Thrones season finale, Insecure, and answer listeners’ questions about picking bridesmaids and breaking up with your immature boyfriend.

If you’re reading this, congratulations. Somewhere in the horrifying shit show of modern dating, you found a guy you actually like enough to hang out with sober call your boyfriend. That being said, it definitely sucked when you realized this relationship stuff doesn’t automatically turn you into a “people person”—meaning that your boyfriend, like 99% of the population, definitely has some habits that make you want to rip his fucking throat out destroy his credit score seriously reconsider the whole monogamy thing.

While past me would have advised you to dump any guy who seems a little too happy to let you pay, or is emotionally attached to his video games, I’ve recently realized that there can be some really great stuff hiding behind this idiot boy behavior. And if Angelina Jolie can get Brad Pitt to stop drinking, you can definitely change those 759 two or three things that bug you about your guy. Here’s what I’ve found works:

1. Focus On ONE Habit

I know, I know—how will you choose between smashing his PS4 and blocking half his Insta feed??! A modern day Sophie’s Choice, my friends. But honestly, boys are kind of stupid and there’s a fine line between making six tiny suggestions at once and being the “crazy ex” who was “impossible to please.” If you focus on one thing at a time, it’s much harder for him to turn around and call you demanding. If anything, he just looks weak for not being able to accommodate your super simple request.  (Side note: calling him weak at this point is not effective. Just heavily imply it.)

2. Don’t Expect Him To Read Your Mind

Case in point: maybe two months into dating my boyfriend, and in a pretty naked compromising situation, I suddenly half-yelled, “so do you just HATE giving head?” While the bewilderment/fear on my boyfriend’s face was pretty fucking funny, this was poorly thought out for a couple reasons. If my boyfriend didn’t have the patience required to date me supernatural levels of chill, this would’ve turned into an extensive conversation about how exactly he was supposed to know I had an issue in the first place, rather than the issue itself. Do yourself a favor and bring this shit up early.

3. Use “I Feel” Statements

Hear me out. I know this is a staple of every suicide how-to guide self-help book, but this is legit helpful for avoiding the kind of conversation I was just describing. Like, rather than telling your boyfriend “you never do anything to make me feel special” and having him list off every date he’s ever planned, be specific and give him something he can’t argue with. Instead of snapping “you don’t compliment me enough,” maybe go for a wide-eyed “I don’t even really know if you think I’m pretty sometimes.” If he tries to call you out for being manipulative, then TBH you’re not a good enough liar.

4. Blow Jobs

If all else fails Before anything else fails, maybe take advantage of the fact that you hold the keys to the thing guys want more than literally anything else. You can use it explicitly (e.g. “hey babe if you pick up food on the way home and clean your room before I get there…”) or keep it your own little secret (every time he listens patiently and agrees that Karen from work sounds like a scheming bitch, commence blowjob sequence), but this is a very effective reward system that your boyfriend is basically guaranteed to get on board with. Slight warning if you go for the “subtle” approach: remember again that boys are dumb and you may have to eventually clue him in. Otherwise, he might just start getting a confusion boner every time you mention work nemesis Karen, and you definitely don’t want him to try and figure that one out on his own.

If these tips don’t work, just remember that you probably give shit blow jobs every guy is different. Don’t give up, and happy training!