All of my friends who’ve been dating their significant other for five or more years always say to me, “Being a twentysomething single girl in New York must be so fun!” I’m sorry, but why does everyone think that being single in New York is like being in Sex and the City, running around on a writer’s salary in my brand new Manolos trying not to spill my $17 cosmopolitan? I have more in common with Tony Soprano than I do with Carrie Bradshaw. The only SATC episode that my single New York life is kind of similar to is that one where Carrie makes dinner plans with her infamous f*ck buddy, full-well knowing she’ll never speak to him again. In other words, ghosting. This, married friends, is what being single is nowadays.
If you haven’t already guessed, I’m a big believer in breaking up with somebody using your words, but honestly, sometimes these clowns don’t even deserve that. For instance, a few years ago my boyfriend of two years (repeat, two years) broke up with me via Facebook Messenger. WHAT?! I was so mad that I didn’t even respond and we literally just never spoke again. Two years! Anyway, technically he broke up with me, but I guess you could say I ghosted him and, guess what, I didn’t feel bad about it. So, even though conventional wisdom says ghosting is always bad, there are plenty of times where it’s actually okay to just stop responding to their texts, and doing so doesn’t make you the asshole. Let’s talk about times it’s okay to ghost someone.
1. It Feels Creepy
I mean, this should go without saying, but if you’re ever in a situation that makes you feel either unsafe or uncomfortable (the two usually go hand in hand), you can safely fade away into the night guilt-free. Maybe you gave him your number off a dating app and now he won’t stop texting you sexually explicit things, or you went on a date with him and he kept aggressively trying to get you to come back to his place even though you gently tried to turn him down a few times, or he is calling you nonstop even though he knows you are working. Whatever the case may be, if this is a person whose behavior is ringing alarm bells, you do not owe them a response. And, in my opinion, the types of people who repeatedly stomp all over your boundaries are the same kind of people who take any response, even an explicit “I’m not interested”, as encouragement to continue. In cases like these, the best thing to say is often nothing.
2. They Only Reach Out After 2am
This should also be obvious, but in case it’s not, keep reading. You should not feel obligated to respond to a late night “u up?” text unless you’re down to meet up. If you aren’t, just don’t respond. I feel like people, myself included, think it’s such bad form to just ignore a text, but if that text is a booty call at 2am or later, do not feel guilty for not answering it. The dudes sending you those texts aren’t looking for witty banter, they’re looking for a yes or no. They don’t care about you not courteously texting back to let them know that, while you are in fact up, you’re quite tired and are going to have to politely decline. None of that sh*t is necessary. So if a guy you aren’t into texts you after you’re already in bed, feel free to not respond without any pangs of guilt.
3. They Ghosted You First
You went on a few dates with someone who, out of nowhere, disappeared from your life…like a ghost. Ya hate to see it. You may text him a few days later to check in or put a dinner on the calendar, but he doesn’t respond because he’s an asshole so you kind of give up and move on. Then, like a Dementor coming down from Azkaban, he hits you up. He was 110% seeing another girl when he was also seeing you, but then he decided he wanted to focus on her, so he ghosts you. Then things with her don’t work out so he comes crawling back to you as if five months of silence didn’t just go by. Yeaaaaah, no.
If this sounds familiar, please ghost this arrogant prick. Does he think he’s being subtle when he pulls sh*t like this? Are we expected to just respond as if we didn’t just fully get ignored for half a year? Please, someone tell me. You have permission from everyone to ignore him.
4. They’re In A Monogamous Relationship
I know this sounds beyond f*cked up, but I have been propositioned by not one, but two men in serious relationships within the past six months *throws up*. They both texted me later in the evening to meet up for a drink, which I didn’t think was a big issue until they said, “don’t tell anyone.” And then I obviously told all of my friends. I don’t owe them discretion when they are clearly asswipes who don’t deserve their girlfriends. Anyway, after I realized I was being hit on, I just stopped answering their texts. Again, I don’t give a sh*t about ghosting them—if anything, I feel gross for being the object of their attempted infidelity, even though it wasn’t my fault. If gross guys in relationships prove that they are, in fact, skeazy, it definitely qualifies as one of those times it’s okay to ghost their ass.
Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy (4)
Whether you’re into the guy you’re seeing or your mom’s just been pressuring you to settle down and give her grandkids, you’ve decided you’re actually going to date someone and do the whole relationship thing for once. Rather than going on a dating app or god forbid putting yourself out there, you’ve decided to go after the guy you’re already hooking up with. Just because you started as a late night hookup doesn’t mean you can’t transition to brunch date in a chill way. It doesn’t have to involve a serious talk and it definitely shouldn’t involve going through his Instagram DM’s. Here’s how to get him to boo you up without freaking him out.
1. Stop Responding To Late Night Hollers
They say dress for the job you want, but in your case, text for the relationship status you want. There’s nothing wrong with meeting up late at night if you’re both working late or if it “works with your schedule”, but be honest with yourself when it comes to hanging out drunk past 2am. If you’re actually compatible because you have crazy schedules, you can still enforce an initiate before 10pm rule. If he doesn’t text you before 10pm to make plans, he hasn’t thought about you before 10pm. He’s keeping you as a last resort.
If you think you might want to date him more traditionally, just stop responding to any late night texts no matter how bad you want to see him. If he texts you “where you at” at 11pm, just wait until the morning to respond. If you’re really chill, you’d wait until after 11am, so he knows you were out late and not in bed early. Keep your responses short and simple and let him offer to make a plan if he really wants to see you. For example, if he says “wanna come over and watch a movie” and it’s clearly a last minute booty call, text him back the next day “sorry I missed this. next time!” Skip the “let me know earlier” or “maybe if you make a plan” because he’ll just read it as bitter. If he’s not an idiot he’ll figure it out.
2. Don’t Play Games
Okay, you can play some games. But we’re talking about games where you leave Tinder open on your phone so he knows you’re not exclusive—don’t do that shit. If you act like he’s a fuckboy, he will gladly accept his fuckboy role. Aren’t men just the greatest?? Just because he hasn’t had the exclusive talk yet doesn’t mean you need to shove it in his face that you’re dating other people. You can say yes to other dates if you want to say yes to them, but don’t go out of your way to prove a point. Petty games leads to a petty relationship, but most often, no relationship at all.
3. Cook For Him
You’re already attracted to each other and he’s already hooking up with you, so show him what it might be like to date you during daylight hours. Don’t do anything you wouldn’t already do, but if there’s a breakfast you always make for yourself, make it for him when he stays over. Or if he hits you up after work, ask him if he wants to come over for the casual dinner you’re already making. Keep it casual and comfortable, as opposed to making a big deal out of a fancy meal you never even cook for yourself. Basically, the easier you make it for him to fit into your already chill life, the more likely he’ll just accept that you’re dating. Any extravagant effort to prove yourself is just going to make him wonder what you’re trying to cover up. Your fear of being alone, duh, but he doesn’t need to know that.
4. Don’t Offer To Meet Up Unless He Asks You
If you’re already out having a chill night with your friends and he hits you up, don’t invite him to come through unless he asks you to hang out. Unless you’re at the coolest party ever and you think he should be there, you should communicate that you’re chill enough to have your own life outside of a relationship/your booty call. He’s obviously interested in you if you’re hooking up, but most guys are afraid of relationships only because they don’t want to uproot their life just for another person. If you’re organically hanging out when you’re both free instead of dropping everything to run into each other’s arms, he’ll feel that your relationship (and your emotional state) is balanced enough to keep seeing you.
5. Be Honest About What You Want If It Comes Up
If he asks you what you’re looking for, be as honest as you can. Playing the chill girl card will only make him think you’re cool with just hooking up. If you are looking for a relationship in the long run, mention that. You don’t have to make it specific to him, but you can tell him you’re hoping to meet someone and date more seriously down the road if he asks you what you hope to get out of dating. If he’s really into you, he’ll want to lock it down before you find what you’re looking for somewhere else.
6. Watch A Show Together Or Share A Routine Only You Two Have
Sharing something together that’s not just your bodily fluids is a way to see if you two get along outside of sex. Start watching a show together or share a routine that’s unique to you, and I don’t just mean the 30 seconds of Netflix you put on right before he starts kissing your neck. That way when something that reminds him of the show (or your book club or whatever the fuck) comes up, he’ll think about you in a non-sexual way. It’s like classical conditioning and he’s the Pavlovian dog (see dad, my Bachelors degree in psychology totally paid off).
