If you ask any average guy what the first thing he notices about a woman, he’ll likely tell you her big smile, her bright blue eyes, bla blaaaaa blaaskdjflsdfk.
Literally me and probably you right now:
Fucking spare me. It doesn’t take an actual genius to quickly realize that a guy’s genetic coding equates to 20% testosterone and 80% bullshit, give or take, so let’s just cut to the chase here. If we really wanted men to say what they were thinking, they’d just say it: The first noticeable female landmark is our tits, knockers, hooters (oh my!). Look, sex is great and all, don’t get me wrong, but as much as we talk about boobs, more times than not in bed, they’re about as useful as my monthly gym membership. God didn’t create Eve’s boobs so that Adam could jerk himself off to her wavy hair or her slutty leaf skirt. You know it. I know it. God knows it. But thankfully this is all about to change (probably except the part about me not going to the gym) because the quicker you start incorporating these two crucial erogenous zones into your sex life, the closer you’ll get to knowing exactly what in the actual fuck Monica Geller was talking about when she went all Kama Sutra on our asses:
1. Cuddle Up, Ew.
Cuddling fucking blows. It’s just
scientifically proven my strong opinion. Exhibit A: It’ll never not result in chronic heat stroke and perpetual irritation, which are literally the same qualities as a third degree burn. But once your boobs come into play, there is so much more to cuddling than meets the eye. This hormone called oxytocin gets triggered during a hug or an ecstasy trip orgasm, so in order to maximize the full effect, try pulling him toward you during missionary so your nipples lightly graze his chest. Or while you’re on top, have him sit up and press your breasts into his chest. I realize this doesn’t sound as pleasing as I’d hoped, but I mostly realized this when my boyfriend’s only response after I tried this move was “stop being weird”. But whatever, I love me a good chase.
2. Tease The Tatas
When he’s being a tease in life, he’s just a fuckboy, but when he teases your senses in the bedroom, he’s probably still a fuckboy who’s clearly been around the block one too many times (did I say I was complaining? Because I’m not). If you’re looking for heightened pleasure, whatever position you’re in, grab his hands and guide them to the middle of your chest. From there, slide them to each side of you, drawing light circles around the area. Yeah, that area. Guaranteed your hills will REALLY be coming alive with
the sound of music sheer blissful orgasm.
3. Experiment With New Sensations
Don’t get me wrong—hands can work wonders, but they’re that much more satisfying when even more senses are triggered. It’s really just basic 8th grade science shit. Every so often, have him treat your nipples to unexpected sensations that’ll keep you on your toes, like a silky fabric, a vibrating shower head or that old collection of scented lotion you got during last year’s holiday gift exchange. I would’ve added tickling your nipples by way of feather to this list, like some of my research suggested, but this isn’t the 1800s and you’re not about to fuck Yankee Doodle. However you choose to get crafty, I guarantee that once you notice how well your lady lumps react to these new sensations, you’ll be all like:
4. Focus Above the Areola
Nipples are great and all, but they can also tend to steal the spotlight, like that hoe on the cheer squad who always danced like she was on a fucking pole. Like, simmer down for a sec and let others have their moment, TIFFANY. Since the focus is generally always on the nipples, you probably didn’t know that one of the most sensitive spots on your boobs is slightly above the areola. In order to do this, he’ll need to go full 10-and-2 on your tits like he’s back in high school learning how to drive, except for your sake hopefully he’s still also not learning a woman’s basic anatomy. While in missionary, or whatever reachable position, he can even use his tongue to lick circles around the area, or if you wanna go all 10th grade Cosmo, use ice cubes and shit.
5. Maximize Your Size
Earth to all betches with boobs—guys don’t give a fuck about your cup size, so get over your insecurities. This is your chance to use whatever it is you have to its fullest potential. When it comes to AAs or DDs, all sizes have the same amount of nerve endings, and for all you unwillingly part of the itty bitty titty committee, your boobs enlarge about 25% during sex. So yay for your ever-changing bust size, on-demand cleavage and the ability to still wear cute backless tops (bitch). Bigger cup sizes, however, are capable of firmer grips, so when you’re on top, try the cup, lift, and squeeze technique on your girls to feel their full weight. Moral of the story, boobs are boobs, so whatever the size or shape, don’t hate… appreciate!