I have a lot of pastimes and most of them include me judging people from afar. But nothing brings me more joy than talking shit about people and their tiny—excuse me, micro—tattoos. It’s the simple things, really. Remember when tramp stamps were all the rage? Yeah, those are so over, they’re done, and tiny tattoos have become the new norm for those looking to express their latent daddy issues. (I say all of this like I don’t have at least two Pinterest boards devoted to tiny tattoos and “cute” placements—I totally fucking do.) But whether you realize it or not, your tiny tattoo speaks VOLUMES about you and probably the life you lead on Instagram. So listen up, betches, because this is about to be a rude fucking awakening for some of you. Here’s how much of a self-absorbed asshole you are based on your choice of tiny tattoo:
Something From Harry Potter
First of all, I would just like to say that Potterheads are the reason I drink. There’s something unsettling about a bunch of twentysomething adults who throw whole costume parties with a theme that encourages you to dress up as an 11-year-old boy. Also, never, under any circumstances, mention around these people that you have either read Harry Potter/liked Harry Potter at one point in your life/have a vague thought about the movie adaptation, because they will take that shit and run with it. It’s like you say one thing about Harry Potter and suddenly they want to challenge you to a verbal duel so they can prove that they know
very creepy, minute details about a prepubescent fictional boy more about Harry Potter than you do. Like, no I do not know who the fuck Harry’s apparition instructor was in his sixth year at Hogwarts, but I do know that I would like to be excluded from this narrative please. Thanks. Second of all, if you’re getting a Harry Potter tattoo because Harry Potter is “your favorite book” that doesn’t make you special. Like, you and every other virgin who can’t drive self-proclaimed Hufflepuff in the world. Do us all a favor and leave your freak flag in the chat room at home where it belongs.
A Tiny Heart And/Or Other Tiny Object
This is the type of person who spends a lot of their time finding new ways to incorporate mason jars into their home décor. It’s okay, we were all thinking it. I’m going to take a shot in the dark and guess that they’re also the type of girl who loooveesss sushi and drinks wine according to the season (i.e. red in the fall/winter, white in the spring, rosé in the summer). Lol, you are so random. They probably thought that by getting a tattoo they could be the “edgy” girl in their sorority or that it would give them something to be coy about on a Bumble date, but honestly all it did was cement their place as the most basic bitch within a five mile radius. But, like, I’ll give a slow clap to that because you should own your basicness. I’d say never change, but that’s not really necessary because we all know they won’t.
Girls who proudly display cursive script tattoos are 100 percent the assholes I was talking about earlier. They definitely have a “thing” that they’re into. Like fitness or travel or just generally being a self-absorbed asshole. That kind of thing. Getting a tattoo like this is the female equivalent of getting an “In God We Trust” tattoo, except instead of using a biblical verse to cover up that fact that he’s a giant douchebag who says shit like “I don’t believe in labels”, girls use it to cover up the fact that they’re low-key slutty. Like, tattooing the daily affirmation “you are so much more” on your body sort of loses its meaning when it’s placed directly beneath your nipple. You know? Like v important style icons Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus, they probably also got their cursive script tattoo after a stint in rehab for “exhaustion”. Good thing your boob hides that spelling error, though! Blessings.
Travel coordinates on someone’s body are like the permanent version of a Facebook vacation photo album, except you don’t have the option to unsubscribe from their tattoo because it’s literally on their body. And believe me, these bitches will talk about their trips every chance they fucking get. At the 9am department meeting where people have no business speaking words to me, period. In the elevator on my way to one hour of approved
freedom lunch. Or at happy hour, which is most offensive to me because that is my safe place and you’re ruining it by telling me the one time you did a wine tour in a foreign country. Groundbreaking. Like, just because you’ve been to Australia and seen a kangaroo does not make you a fucking world traveler. Like, oh did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness? Yeah, no one gives a shit.
Also, if I see one more Instagram selfie of a strategically posed thot “candidly” gazing up at a waterfall in a thong bikini with the caption “wanderlusting”, I will lose my goddamn mind. Seriously, these girls are the fucking worst. Not only are they the type of girls who 100 percent have travel coordinates tattooed on their ribs and/or wrist and/or hipbone but they also take themselves and their lavish vacations wayyy too seriously. Like, I get it, you want me to think you’re “roughing it” in Thailand rn, being one with the people and rejecting consumerism and blah, blah, blah. But let’s be real, you didn’t go to Thailand to bring safe drinking water to people living in poverty, you went there to do a casual amount of drugs and take fire selfies at the Full Moon Party. Come on.
A Matching BFF Tattoo
You and your friend must think a lot of your friendship if you’re willing to permanently
mar tattoo your body with matching heartbeat tattoos (v original, girls, btw). Much like many facets of my life, I blame Pretty Little Liars for this—Marlene King, where is my evil twin to blame shit on every time I fuck something up?—because even though the Liars all got matching tattoos, that does not mean you and your bestie should get matching tattoos. The difference between you and the cast of PLL (aside from their fame, money and issues with anorexia) is that they have the money to get said tattoo surgically removed should they find out that their BFF cut off all of her hair when they got back to school in the fall and got totally weird and I guess now she’s on crack. So, like, really know the person before you get a life-long connection to them seared on your body. Ya know, just food for thot.
^Or just somebody you share half a yin and yang tattoo with
As a betch enters womanhood, she’ll quickly be taught a number of v crucial life lessons like, “If at first you don’t succeed, it’s probably not for you” and “maybe don’t chase your birth control with vodka.” But if there’s one piece of advice that shakes me down to my soulless core, it’d be to “never judge a book by its cover.” Blah blah, sue me. It’s 2017—if people weren’t begging to be judged by their physical appearance, Snapchat’s pretty filter wouldn’t be a thing, and I wouldn’t have felt the need to just drop $50 on Amanda Stanton’s flat belly tea, but that’s really none of your business.
The average fuckboy, on the other hand, for some reason feels the need to enhance his appearance with permanently conflicting artwork he describes as meaningful and totes one-of-a-kind, yet tell me why my last two Bumble matches just wasted an hour of my life yapping about their “sick-ass half sleeves” with that cloud filling shit. Every betch can agree that the douchiest body ink is like the “Despacito” of the tattoo industry—nobody knows what the fuck it means (not even Bieber himself), but I’m not gonna lie and say it wouldn’t get me into bed aka it’s the perfect fuckboy trap. A fuckboy comes in all different shapes and sizes, but their tattoos don’t, which is why ranking these distinctive tattoos from “u up?” to “come on, just one nude”, was the easiest effing thing I’ve ever done.
8. The Animal
This guy is your typical regulation hottie, but don’t let his lion head meaning “bearer of the family” fool you into thinking he’s “family man material”. He’s the type of fuckboy who wants you to ask about him, so he took his mom to get his first tattoo of a scorpion or some shit. The prevalence of scorpions as fuckboy skin décor isn’t surprising considering scorpions are at the top of the fuckboy food chain in the animal kingdom with their ideal mating ritual being a seductive sex dance, like the way he awkwardly air-humps toward you when “Pony” comes on before running away to ghost you like a little bitch.
Sure he’s fun to hang out with, but this scrub is exactly what TLC warned us about. He loves to tell the story about his dumb fucking stick figure tattooed on his ass, courtesy of his buddy “Manny” during that one drunken night in high school. He’s always kicking back with his bros, but he’s the type of fuckboy who’ll never introduce you to them because “we never said we were dating” or whatever. After a few “hangs” of throwing back Bud Lights and maybe if you’re lucky, some watered down Jack and Cokes, you’ll wake up in his 2012 Sigma Nu Dodgeball Champ tee, only to realize you’re at his parents’ house.
6. Sports Team
Brownie points to this guy for showing serious commitment. Fuckboy points to this guy for showing commitment to anything but you. This dude’s Instagram bio screams “ball is life” and he took every opportunity to craft his fantasy league name into some sexist innuendo like “Forsett Down Her Throat”. His team that he proudly has branded on his body hasn’t even come close to winning the finals in like, 17 years. He’s also the type of fuckboy that already plans to ditch your grandma’s funeral because Crabtree’s about to take his boys home. And don’t even think about putting in your two cents on your mediocre sports knowledge: “Oh yeah? Name one player.” The one who married Ciara, fucking duh.
5. Birth Year/“Est. IDGAF”
There is literally NO point in tattooing the year you were born on your body besides the purpose of waiting like 4 less minutes in the passport line. A fuckboy who refers to his birth year as an “establishment” is the type of guy growing up whose mom used to frame his honorable mention ribbons. His wardrobe consists of gray sweatpants and Nike socks and his Tinder profile reads “Ask if you really wanna know”. Yeah that’s a no from me, dawg… But mostly I’m just curious as to what betch in their right fucking mind has time to do that math.
4. Set of Lips
I can’t even believe I’m including this because it seems like it’d be so obvious, but I can’t discredit a Grade-A fuckboy who walks around with a set of pink lips on his neck. This guy basically thinks he’s sex on a stick and unabashedly admits that he thinks what Chris Brown did “wasn’t like that bad.” He goes around bragging about how shitty he treats women, and was somehow misinformed that the majority of the female species lives for doggy style. Also, showing any tattoo from the neck up is basically asking every employer to “keep your resume on file until something opens up.” That’s professional talk for “lol fat chance”.
3. “Only God Can Judge Me”
Ok, calm the fuck down Tupac. Ironically enough, the phrase “Only God Can Judge Me” is generally printed in sacred scripture on the body of a fuckboy who is the farthest thing from a disciple of God. I’m sorry, but the prayer hands in your most used emoji index does not constitute as bible study. This guy’s default pic is a photo with his mom at her 60th bday, but in most cases of classic fuckboyery, this biblical bullshit is just a sad attempt to justify his shitty actions like preying on his 14-year-old neighbor and stealing money from his mom’s purse. Also, the bible condemns tattoos. Read a fucking book.
2. Tribal Pattern
This fuckboy is just straight-up annoying AF and hasn’t left the gym (or his fraternity) since 2006. He walks around flaunting a tribal pattern from the Ndebele Tribe on his shoulder, and his claim to fame was that one time on spring break when he beer bonged a Muscle Milk and nobody was even the slightest bit impressed. He’s the type of guy you knew in college who posted pics with every sorority girl, yet nobody actually saw him date anyone. He’s also not Samoan nor possesses even a hint of brown, and his Crossfit dead lift videos have more hashtags than actual likes as a means to overcompensate for his microdick. So unless you’re the 340-pound spam slanger dude in 50 First Dates, the tribe has spoken.
1. Last Name
Perhaps found on the biggest narc known to mankind, the origin of the last name tattoo dates all the way back to the prehistoric fuckboy era of Ryan Sheckler. First off, skateboarding isn’t even a real sport, so idk why he felt the need to blast his last name across his back like a fucking jersey. Clearly this type of dude had major daddy issues growing up, as seen in Life of Ryan, where dad only came back into his life when he realized his teen pregnancy finally paid off, so maybe the last name was some sort of abandonment issue. But regardless, you’ll have a hard time convincing this guy of anything, like the fact that it’s no longer cool to keep the gold sticker in mint condition on his flat-brimmed hat. He’s also the type of fuckboy who says he prefers chicks with no makeup, but will tell you “you look tired” when you’re not wearing any. So thanks for the permanent reminder in super-bro Ed Hardy scripture that I’d rather take a pencil to my eyeball than ever think about taking that name. #SomeRagrets
What type of fuckboy should you date based on your horoscope? Find out here!
Nothing tells the story of your face more than your eyebrows do. Eyebrows are the window to your (black) soul. If you’re hearing this concept for the first time then wow congratulations, what is it like to be totally inattentive to current events? Anyway, if you were born with shitty eyebrows, or if you are still suffering from the aftermath of a waxing incident in 2004, then you probably find eyebrows to be a point of stress for you. You must wake up every morning and draw them on with an eyebrow pencil, or fill them in with a pomade or powder. And if you do neither of those things and just wake up, say “fuck it” and walk out the door, then you are a brave, brave idiot. I say “brave” because it takes guts to enter the world looking like Alison Pill (if you don’t know who that is Google it), and I say “idiot” because your dumbass must be unaware that there’s help out there for you. It’s called microblading. No need to Google that since I’m about to tell you everything you need to know about what microblading is and if you should do it or nah.
When you’ve tried every goddamn pencil, powder, pigment, gel, stencil, ancient tribal chant, prayer, etc. and your brows still suck, it’s time to look at a more permanent solution to thin or shitty brows. Microblading is a semi-permanent brow tattoo procedure that will change your life. Don’t let the concept of a tattoo on your face freak you out. Unlike a regular tattoo, microblading is a form of tattooing where a trained artist uses a handheld tool instead of a machine. They draw hairlike strokes to mimic what your brows would look like if they were fuller. The result, if done right, looks natural and will be the only tattoo you don’t regret getting. Unlike those freckle tattoos.
Freckle Tattoos Are The Latest Beauty Trend For Those Looking To F*ck Up Their Face
As always, when it comes to any sort of elective procedure on your face, vet the fuck out of your microblading expert. An experienced and legit technician should have previous photos of his/her work available for you to look at. Like these:
If you still have questions, hopefully the following fake Q&A session I put together with myself will soothe you.
Does Microblading Hurt?
It feels like a more mild tattoo. If you’ve never gotten a tattoo, then the pain can be equated to getting flicked with a rubber band over and over again. So yeah, it hurts. But there’s always Vicodin.
Will I Look Like This?
I certainly hope not.
How Does The Tech Determine The Shape Of Your Brows?
The technician will take six measurements on your brow bone using a specialized protractor (shouts out to Geometry) made just for microblading procedures.
You should be as communicative as possible with your technician about the results you want. It’s never a bad idea to bring in some photos of brows you admire.
How Long Does It Take To Get Your Brows Done?
About one and a half hours to two hours, depending on how fucked up your brows are. No offense.
How Long Does Microblading Last?
One to one and a half years depending on how you take care of your skin. Use SPF and moisturize to extend the life of the results.
How Much Does Microblading Cost?
The first session costs anywhere from $700 to $900 dollars, but people usually end up getting at least one small touch-up after the first six months. (In other words, if your technician is telling you she can do you brows for $150, run.)
Is There Any Down Time?
Unfortunately, you will not be able to call in “sick” to work like you did when you got your “deviated septum fixed.” There’s no down time with microblading. You might be a little red, but you can resume your daily life right after the procedure is done.
In case there weren’t enough terrifying beauty trends in 2017 already (see: Lisa Frank makeup and the comeback of spray tans via the Cheeto Dictator of the United States), now people are tattooing freckles on their faces and redheads all over the world are ugly crying over their unused concealer sticks.
When I first heard about this trend I thought it was maybe some sort of sick joke being played on Lindsay Lohan because we all know that girl spent half of her Mean Girls earnings trying to laser that shit off. But sadly this shit is very real and appears to be here to stay (at least until the next moronic Instagram beauty trend pops up).
Here’s the deal: for the low, low price of $250 AN HOUR people can ask tattoo artists and trained microbladers to
fuck tat them up with fake freckles. Apparently people—real people, not characters in a Judy Blume novel—like, actually want permanent face spots? Idk. Guess so, because the hashtag #freckletattoo is casually breaking Instagram and our hearts.
What Is Microblading And Is It Worth It Or Nah?
Permanent Freckle Tattoo https://t.co/ggvn2UtDXq pic.twitter.com/JGzFONzU3l
— Jonathan van Dyck (@JonathanvanDyc1) February 23, 2017
I would bet the glass of wine I’m holding in my hand right now that some hipster model in Bushwick started this trend but now people like Khloé Kardashian are making it famous, and we are seriously disturbed. We aren’t sure when people stopped fucking up their skin the natural way by
day drinking spending time in the sun and resorted to this expensive af “beauty” treatment, but yet here we are.
Users claim they’re getting freckle tattoos to cover up acne blemishes and other unmentionables but, you know what, so does FUCKING MAKEUP.
Today’s Freckle makeover!! Really love freckles on this actual doll face ! Thanks for the trust! Freckles lighten up a lot within a few weeks, this pic is immediately after ! #freckletattoos #cosmetictattoo #semipermanentmakeup #frecklesonfleek #frecklesarecute #freckleface #vancouvertattoo #pmuartist #pmu
Am I the only one who thinks this looks like the before picture of a blackhead acne commercial??
Just when you thought freckles were for redheads and poor people who can’t afford a Kylighter, suddenly
14-year-olds beauty bloggers on Instagram are there to slap you in the face with a harsh dose of reality. This beauty trend is def for try-hards, but people also get tattoos of infinity symbols so I guess there’s always worse shit you could tattoo on your body. Maybe. Is an infinity tattoo worse than permanent freckles?? The former says “I did molly once at Coachella and now dream of becoming a professional hula hooper,” while the latter says “I have the foresight of a goldfish and actively want people to cyber bully me.” What a fucking world we live in.
Real talk though, who wants to bet that LiLo is getting fucked up in some euro nightclub rn because freckles are in again?