Figuring out where to watch all the best events at the 2018 Winter Olympics can actually be an enormous pain in the ass. Thanks to the fact that PyeongChang is a casual 14 hours ahead of the U.S. (I’m usually 14 hours late to things anyway so it’s fine), and the literal maze that is the Olympics’ website, figuring out when to watch can be difficult. Luckily, NBC has you covered with 176 hours of Olympic coverage, and live streaming on their website for those of you who lost your ex’s dad’s best friend’s cable login prefer to watch online. While there’s literally no way to catch all the events (unless you call out sick for a full three weeks, in which case, I salute you), here’s how to catch some of the most popular winter sports.
Opening Ceremonies
So like, technically the opening ceremonies already happened, but they don’t air on NBC in the U.S. until 8pm on Friday, February 9th, so I guess we’re just all going to pretend they didn’t already take place. Timezones are fucking weird, man. This year, the ceremonies are even more important than usual because they’re going to be a “show of Korean unity.” If you don’t know why that’s important, check out @RealDonaldJTrump’s Twitter page and figure it out for yourself.
When to watch: Friday 2/10 at 8pm on NBC.
Who to look out for: Frst of all, hot oiled up Tonga guy will be back serving as his country’s flag bearer, so there’s that. Second, Kim Jong Un’s little sister — Kimberly Jong Unette* — will also be in attendance. Being baby sis to the world’s most batshit dictator sure does have it’s perks.
*Her name is actually Kim Yo-jong
Women’s Halfpipe Finals
I know men’s snowboarding is usually the big ticket item (Where else we we get to see a stoned af Shaun White flip through the air a bunch??), but this year’s women’s halfpipe finals are going to be lit. Besides, if I wanted to watch dudes snowboard, I’d watch Johnny Tsunami again. Wait, actually, I should totally watch Johnny Tsunami again…
When to watch: Monday 2/12 at 8PM on NBC.
Who to look out for: The whole reason I picked the women’s halfpipe over the men’s (apart from like, feminism and shit) is seventeen-year-old Korean-American snowboarder Chloe Kim. Chloe is second-ever snowboarder (after gold medalist/perpetually high person Shaun White) to score a perfect 100. To win the gold this year she’ll have to face off against her bff/childhood idol, 2002 gold medalist Kelly Clark. To add to the drama, this is probably Kelly’s last Olympics so like, the frenemy levels are extremely high.
All The Figure Skating
If I,Tonya taught us anything (other than the there is no amount of prosthetics that can make Margot Robbie look ugly), it’s that people fucking love figure skating. They love it so much they’ll destroy lives over it. It’s kind of beautiful. If you, like the rest of the world, have a newly renewed obsession with figure skating then you’re in luck. There are a fuckload of figure skating events, and an even larger fuckload of figure skaters for you to pray don’t get hit in the back of the leg with a retractable rod watch this year.
When to watch: Men’s Final: Friday 2/16 at 8pm | Ladies’ Final: Thursday 2/22 at 8pm | Pairs’ final: Wednesday 2/14 8pm on NBC.
Who to look out for: Tonya Harding with a baseball bat? JK JK. Bradie Tennell is basically the Cinderella of the Olympics (in that she’s an overnight sensation, is blonde, wears blue, and literally skates to a song called ‘Cinderella’). Tennell was the first female skater in 10 years to win a medal on her first try in the Skate America Grand Prix, and earlier this year she won the U.S. national title. She also barely twenty, which is literally rude, but we’ll forgive her.
Bobsledding
As far as winter Olympic sports that have movies about them, bobsledding is obviously in every millennials top 8. Bobsledding is one of those sports that is in absolutely no way easy, but when you watch you *kind of* feel like you could do it. Like, I’ve ridden the Matterhorn at Disneyland which is like basically the same thing, right? (Narrator: It was not the same).
When to watch: Two Man Finals: 2/19 at 8pm | Women’s Finals: 2/21 at 8pm | Four-Man Finals: 2/24 at 8pm on NBC.
Who to look out for: Nigeria they got a bobsled team, yeah! This year Nigeria will put forward the first ever Nigerian women’s bobsled team. While they’re not expected to place, I can think of another underdog bobsled team from a warm-weather country that stole the hearts of the bobsled world not long ago. I guess what I’m saying is, if we don’t get an all-female Nigerian reboot of Cool Runnings out of this, I’m gonna be pissed.
Sooooo Much Skiing
Everybody feels like they’re a pretty good skier until they see actually good skiers in the Olympics and are like, “Oh fuck, I’m a joke.” Again, there are a *lot* of options for ski fans here, so here are just a few. As for the rest, IDK. Google it.
When to watch (jumping): Women’s normal hill: 2/12 at 3pm | Men’s large hill: 2/17 at 8pm | Men’s team: 2/19 at 3pm on NBC.
When to watch (Alpine): There is literally so much Alpine skiing at the Olympics. Turn on your TV and you will find it. Here are some highlights, but for the ski freaks among us just know there are like 10 other skiing events not listed here:
Men’s Downhill 2/10 at 8pm | Women’s downhill 2/20 at 8pm | Team event 2/23 at 8pm on NBC.
Who to watch: Ummm Mikaela Shiffrin anybody? Our girl is the reigning Olympic gold medalist and overall world champion, so I think it’s safe to say she’s not coming to PyeongChang to fuck around. Mikaela is the youngest woman ever to win Olympic gold in slalom — which is that event where people ski downhill really fast between poles and not, as I’d previously thought, the Yiddish word for penis.
The Olympics are upon us, which means the world will get to watch as the best athletes on Earth compete against each other for metal necklaces – it’s truly thrilling. Even more so when those athletes are, on top of being the pinnacle of athletic ability, really fucking attractive. Now, we all know that Team U.S.A is and always will be the most gorgeous hunk of team ever to walk the face of the Earth, but in the spirit of global unity here are some other athletes from around the world whose events you should def ditch work to watch DVR when the time comes:
Team Spain
Javier Fernandez – Figure skater
Anyone who says male figure skaters aren’t hot are seriously disturbed, and clearly haven’t seen Javier Fernandez. Javier is a two-time World champion, sex time consecutive European Champion, three-time Grand Prix final medalist, eight-time Spanish national champion, and a certified ten – or diez – depending on if you’re trying to impress him with your 9th grade level Spanish skills.
Team France
Martin Fourcade – Biathlete
Umm…yeah, obviously Team France was going to bring the heat. Fourcade is a “biathlete,” and for those of you who still need to brush up on your knowledge of random Olympic sports, that means his event involved both cross-country skiing, and shooting a gun. Not sure why those two skills were combined, but I’m very open to letting Martin change my mind on this subject.
Team Norway
Henrik Kristoffersen – Alpine Ski Racer
So let me just say right now, you are not ready for Henrik Kristoffersen. You think you are, but you are mistaken. Let me also say, that after a brief (read: 2 hour) stalking of his Instagram, he has a girlfriend and/or wife. Sorry for the bad news. Kristoffersen is a skier who focuses on both the slalom and giant slalom events.
I think I speak for everyone when I say I can’t wait to see this man’s giant slalom in South Korea this year.
Team Japan
Yuzuru Hanyu – Figure Skater
Once again, the male figure skaters are holding it down by being both athletic and fashionable. Get yourself a man who can do both, fam. Yuzuru Hanyu took home the gold in Men’s singles at the last winter Olympics, though I feel like he won’t be a single man for much longer. *ba-dum-CHI*
Team Germany
Axel Jungk – Skeleton Racer
Axel Jungk is a skeleton racer who represents Germany in the Skeleton World Cup which is a real sport and not, as I initially thought, an extremely competitive Halloween costume contest. Anyway, based of his Instagram, this German Jungk is something to behold:
Team Canada
Alex Pietrangelo – Ice Hockey
If you’re looking for a hot Olympian who is a little closer to home, might I suggest Alex Pietrangelo of the Canadian Ice Hockey team. Sadly, he is married (boo) and his Insta profile pic is literally him at his wedding (so rude), but a girl can dream, eh?
** Okay, so turns out Alex won’t actually be at the Olympics because NHL players aren’t allowed to go this year (boo) but we’re going to keep his Insta on here so you can scroll through his pics and dream of a world where you give a fuck about hockey.
Team Tonga
Pita Toufatofua – Skier
You probably remember Pita from the Rio Olympics when he made a major entrance by showing up fully shirtless and covered in oil as if to say, “It’s Tonga time, bitch!” Well this year, your boy is back, and competing as Tonga’s only Olympian. Because like, who needs a whole team when you’re only competitor looks like this:
Team U.K.
Joel Fearon – Bobsledder
Joel Fearon is a not only a winter Olympian, he is also a sprinter, meaning he competes in the Summer Olympics too. And on top of all of that, he is foooooooooine af, and represents our ex-turned-BFF, the United Kingdom. Mmm. I’d start a special relationship with him any day:
Welp, there you have it. I’m sure more hot Olympians will reveal themselves as the games goes on (we didn’t even touch on the subject of lady Olympians here, because they’re honestly all so attractive there’s no reason for a roundup), but for now I think we can all agree that the old saying is true: It’s a hot world after all.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
