6 Takeaways From Attorney General Bill Barr’s Drama-Fueled Senate Hearing

Another day, another day-long congressional testimony where some old white guy lies at us for six hours. Grool. Attorney General William Barr testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee today regarding the Mueller investigation, his decision not to charge President Trump with obstruction, and the 4-page summary he provided of Mueller’s report ahead of its actual release. Here are 6 major takeaways from Barr’s testimony for those of you who can’t just casually watch hours of C-SPAN at the office.

1. Republicans Want to Investigate the Investigation

From the people who brought you the Benghazi hearings, I give you…the Mueller investigation investigation! Several Republican senators used their precious time to express concern over how the Mueller investigation was started and the legality of the FISA warrants used to surveil the Trump campaign. When asked by Senator Lindsey Graham if he was concerned about the “counterintelligence probe and how it started,” Barr answered yes, meaning he might be open to the Department of Justice investigating the origins of the investigation itself. All of this is based on a Trump-supported idea that the investigation into his campaign was based on the Steele dossier (aka the thing the pee tape rumor comes from), despite the fact that both the FBI and the Mueller report both demonstrate that the investigation began after George Papadopoulos got drunk and told an Australian diplomat the Russians had dirt on Hillary. Which reminds me, I need to apologize for some things I said after drinks last weekend…

2. Attorney General Barr Needs a Dictionary

Throughout the hearing, AG Barr seemed to be confused over the definition of very simple words. Barr claimed that he needed clarification on the definition of the words “suggest,” “summary,” “members,” and “conclusion.” He also said that President Trump never told White House counsel Don McGahn to “fire” Mueller, he simply asked him to “remove Mueller from his position due to alleged conflicts of interest.” See? Totally different.

3. Lindsey Graham Is Angry!!!!

Lindsey Graham resumed his role as craziest motherf*cker in the room for yet another hearing, Lord help us all. As committee chairman, Graham used his opening speech to yell about Hillary’s emails (of course) and read text messages between then-FBI official Peter Strzok and his girlfriend Lisa Page, one of which literally just said “Trump is a f*cking idiot.” Wait…but if criticizing Trump in 2016 is wrong then what about the guy who said this?

Or this?

Or any of this?

4. The 2020 Dems Came To Play

2020 hopefuls and Senate Judiciary Committee members Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, and Amy Klobuchar all used the hearing to audition for debating Donald Trump sometime in the future. Booker hammered Barr for “adding normalcy to a point where we should be sounding alarms,” about Russian interference. Klobuchar brought receipts while questioning Barr’s decision not to pursue an obstruction of justice charge, and in a particularly shady exchange, Kamala Harris came to slay when she asked Barr if the President or anyone else had ever suggested he investigate anyone. He responded by saying he doesn’t know what “suggest” means.

5. Mueller Wasn’t Into Barr’s Summary

Much of the hearing was focused on a March 27 letter Mueller sent to AG Barr in which he expressed concern over Barr’s Cliffs Notes version of the report, saying that it “did not fully capture the context, nature, and substance of this office’s work and conclusions” and caused “public confusion about critical aspects of the results of our investigation.” When asked about what Mueller’s concerns, Barr said that he thought the letter was “a bit snitty” and that after he read it, he called Mueller and asked, “Why don’t you pick up and call me if you have an issue?” You have my number, bro!

 6. Barr Doesn’t Exonerate Trump

Despite the fact that the president tweets “TOTAL EXONERATION” once per hour these days, both Barr and the Mueller report were actually careful not to exonerate him. When asked about his decision not to charge Trump with obstruction Barr said, “I didn’t exonerate. I said that we didn’t believe that there was sufficient evidence to establish an obstruction case.” Nobody tell Trump he said that…

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Bob Mueller Has Questions For Trump And So Do We

It is finals season, which means you’re probably upping your Adderall (legally, of course) and taking espresso straight to the veins. Test taking is hard and to make you feel better, you’re not alone. No, I’m not talking about all the other hundreds of thousands of students. I’m talking about the big baby in the White House, Donald Trump. This week he was issued a pop quiz with questions from Robert Mueller, his least favorite teacher.

The New York Times acquired a list of questions Mueller sent Trump a 
that covered a wide variety of topics. Honestly, if I didn’t hate Trump so much and the thought of him failing anything didn’t make me want to order a celebratory round of mimosas, I’d pity him because this test seems very hard to study for. The questions Mueller sent to Trump’s legal team center around James Comey, Jeff Sessions, WikiLeaks, Michael Cohen, and even a secret meeting at an island resort. That last one seems like Mueller might just want in on the timeshare there, but whatever.

So what on earth do all these questions mean? If Trump doesn’t pass does he have to stay back a grade or flunk out of the presidency? I wish. What it shows us is that Mueller is a studious bitch who is approaching this investigation on all angles, and appears to be focused on obstruction of justice. He’s asking a ton of questions about Comey and not as much about potential Russian collusion. (Sorry to my Russian conspiracy stans out there.) He’s attacking on all fronts and Trump should be rightly nervous. And what does the leader of the free world do when he’s nervous? He does exactly what I do after three glasses of Merlot. A tweet spree.

This morning Trump tweeted, “So disgraceful that the questions concerning the Russian Witch Hunt were ‘leaked’ to the media. No questions on Collusion. Oh, I see…you have a made up, phony crime, Collusion, that never existed, and an investigation begun with illegally leaked classified information. Nice!”

Nice, indeed, Mr. President. Nice, indeed.

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Will The Michael Flynn Indictment Get Trump Impeached Or Nah?

On the first day of Christmas, Bob Mueller gave to me, another guest at the indictment partyyy.

In case you haven’t heard yet, on Friday, former national security advisor Michael Flynn pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI regarding communications with Russia so….WE GOT HIM. *cue air horns and confetti* Oh wait. There’s no guarantee that this will impact the Trump presidency and lead to impeachment, and we shouldn’t get our hopes up yet because he’s like a collusion cockroach who will never die no matter how many times you try to stomp on his crunchy orange shell. Sorry to rain on your impeachment parade, but before you fully give up all hope and crawl back into bed for the rest of your life, there still might be a chance that this guilty plea means a shred of something in the fuckery of our current landscape of truth and justice after all.

Why This Might Mean Nothing

So we know Flynn talked to the Russians. Theoretically, this is a BFD for a number of reasons – a major one being that he was sliding into Russia’s DM’s during Trump’s campaign, and after he was already sworn into office. However, there’s one tiny problem: we still don’t know what they talked about, or who knew about it. Apparently, Flynn is set to testify that a “senior Trump transition official” Jared told him to contact the Russians over a U.N. vote on Israeli settlements, but at this point, there’s just as likely a chance that Flynn called Russian officials and promised loosened sanctions in exchange for dirt on Hillary Clinton (illegal), as there are that he just sent a text to Putin that said “hey bb, u up? Eggplant emoji.”


Another big question is how much shady shit Mueller actually found out. If there was direct evidence that Flynn’s interactions with the Russians were super illegal and counted as collusion, why did he only get charged for lying to the FBI? If lying was seriously the worst thing he did, the odds of some swift and brutal justice are not very high. Considering every third word out of our President’s mouth is a lie and he’s still inexplicably in charge, I won’t hold my breath on this one. Also, everybody poops lies. I’m not going to say I would ever tell a little fib to get myself out of jury duty because that would mean a possible criminal charge, but I’m just saying that I could if I had to…

Why This Might Mean Everything

So aside from the fact that we know Flynn is a liar liar pants on fire, the thing that everyone really cares about is how can Mueller use this to nail down that whole Russia-colluded-to-rig-the-election fact theory.

MUELLER: We gotta crack Michael Flynn. We crack Flynn, we crack the lock on Trump’s whole dirty history with the Russians.

JAMES COMEY: Say crack again.

MULLER: Crack.

Flynn has already agreed to “fully cooperate” with all questioning from the special counsel regarding his communication with Russia and what he knows as far as the Trump campaign’s dealings as well. Aka some really juicy and incriminating secrets might come out, and Flynn has the power to put everyone on blast. You also have to remember that Flynn committed a lot of high-key crimes, so the fact that Mueller indicted him on lying to the FBI, one of his lower-key criminal activities, signals that Flynn has likely cut a deal with Mueller to get off on a lesser crime in exchange for pushing Regina George the entire White House under the bus. 


On Saturday morning, Trumps grubby fingers might have dug his own grave a little deeper when he tweeted the following in response to Flynn’s indictment.


Basically what this means, is that if Trump knew about Flynn’s lies back when he fired him, and then told FBI director James Comey to “go easy on him” in his investigation, that is some MAJOR obstruction of justice. Everyone besides the Hairpiece in Chief realized this insane fuckup the minute it was released into the Twitterverse, so Trump’s personal lawyer, John Dowd tried to take the hit and claim that he was the one who really wrote the tweet. Sure, John, sure. You expect us to believe that you A – have access to the Twitter account of a certified maniac and have done nothing to stop his nonsensical tirades thus far? and B – have a law degree and (presumably) a shred of dignity and self respect, and still went on the President’s personal Twitter to write something stupid enough to potentially incriminate him in an impeachable offense? All signs point to you’re full of shit. But I truly admire your efforts, and hopefully Donny still keeps that friendship bracelet you made him and doesn’t fire your ass.

So I guess, at the moment, this is sadly still another case of “wait and see if this will mean anything at all for the Russia investigation.” However, it’s the best case we’ve gotten so far, and since it is December I am officially invoking the hopeful spirit of Christmas to make my impeachment wishes come true. Dear Santa, I happen to know a certain Russia-colluding liar who is definitely on the Naughty List this year, and I promise I’ll be nice if you put a big lump of coal and criminal charges in his stocking. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!