From the moment Blue Ivy Carter was born, we knew it was only a matter of time before she took over the world. Now she’s five years old, which makes us feel ancient, and she’s starting to come out of her shell. We’ve spent a lot of time wondering, will she be more like Bey, or more like Jay? On the one hand, her resemblance to Jay Z is striking. On the other, her personal style clearly mimics that of her mother. Probably because her mother dresses her, but I think we know that when Blue’s personal style will be off the chain (once she learns how to tie her shoes). Well, now we have even more proof that Blue Ivy is Beyoncé’s mini me when, over the weekend, she performed in a dance recital at her school. How do we know this? Because the video got leaked.
Sidebar: If you’re the person leaking 5-year-olds’ dance recital videos, maybe rethink your life?
We’d like to imagine that Beyoncé was videotaping in the aisle like Amy Poehler during “Jingle Bell Rock”, but realistically this video was taken by some rando older brother who knew he could sell it to TMZ.
Blue looks great in the video, and it comes as no surprise that she’s front and center in the dance. Like, there’s no way that dance teacher is going to make Blue the Michelle of the dance class. Beyoncé’s flesh and blood is not a fucking backup dancer, make no mistake. We’re a little confused why Blue got to wear her hair down while everyone else’s is up in a neat bun, but she was probably like, “Fuck that, I am literally the spawn of a legend, get that ponytail holder out of my face.”
We’re not exactly sure what this dance was supposed to be, because there’s a lot going on. The little girls are wearing pink leotards with huge tutus, as if they’re the next crop of ballerinas getting shipped off to Russia. But they’re dancing to “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire, which doesn’t really make us think of ballet. This is seriously some Big Little Lies shit, so we’re basically lucky no one got punched. Honestly, knowing Blue (and I do know Blue) this whole thing is probably a semi-autobiographical piece of statement art based on her relationship with James Z, the boy who sits next to her in reading circle. I mean, realistically they should’ve just done the “Single Ladies” dance and been done with it, but I guess that’s “not appropriate for children” or whatever.
The girls generally know the moves to the song, but they all look just a little bit drunk and lost. *Sings ‘Drunk and Lost’ to the tune of ‘Drunk In Love’* *Feels pride* So yes, Blue Ivy may look more like her father, but her personality is all Bey. As far as the twins go, we’ll have to wait and see, but if the response to their conception is any indication, those two are definitely going to have Jay-Z level egos.
As the world continues to crumble around us, it’s important for us to take solace in what few reminders of happiness remain: Beyoncé, a fertile woman, is with child(ren). She communicated as much in an Instagram post that wouldn’t look out of place with your mom’s senior pictures from the 80s. If that sounds like a weird way to announce a pregnancy, get the fuck off the internet, mom, and go back to playing backgammon with strangers on Yahoo! Games.
Also fertile? The Beyhive. To date, they’ve blessed her with 8.3 million likes—a currency more valuable than gold and a gift more precious than life itself. This would, technically, make it the most-liked Instagram post of all time. The previous record, held by Selena Gomez, was a fucking sponsored post featuring her trying mightily (and failing) to pretend that someone who looks like her has ever actually consumed full-calorie soda.
Is Beyoncé’s vague nod to Mary, mother of Jesus, a sign that she’s giving birth to the second coming of Christ (and also, a second child that will have a HUGE chip on its shoulder)? Is she giving birth to a pair of Antichrists after Obama failed to fulfill his destiny? Is she going to single-handedly rebuild Destiny’s Child in all its glory with her own children?
No way to tell. All I know is that I, you, we, the population of a small nation—we all like it.
Hear ye, hear fuckin’ ye, it’s basically the most magical day of 2017 so far and OBVIOUSLY that’s because it’s a day where Beyoncé fucks our shit up.
This morning, on February 1st, 2017 *writes date down in calendar as holiday* Queen Bey announced that she and Jay-Z are expecting TWINS. Like, just fuck me up fam. One baby and I would have been stoked AF, but two? I’m low-key about to pass out.
Of course, ‘Yonce announced it on Instagram while surrounded by a throne of flowers, that were grown using the most pure sunlight and the tears of adoring fans everywhere. Remember when Kim tried to break the internet with a champagne bottle on her ass? Beyoncé has literally done it by just existing and having a kid. Iconic.
This might be the one thing that becomes a bipartisan celebration. Beyoncé has made the first, most crucial step to saving 2017. Now she needs to tackle this immigration ban and then all will be chill in the world.
TOMI LAHREN: Beyoncé is a piece of shit snowflake, erg celebirties they don’t get it, blah blah
THE WORLD: CASH ME OUTSIDE, HOW BOUT DAH
After the past week and a half of this political shit show, Bey clearly realized the world needed the news of her gene pool spreading now more than ever. I imagine one day Beyoncé was sitting in her tower somewhere in New York, looking down at the protests and turned to Jay-Z like: “It’s time.”
Can’t wait to obsess over these children like the world does with Blue Ivy. If these kids are named “Magenta Fern” or some shit I’m going to be a little disappointed, but whatever.
This has been a public service announcement, you’re fucking welcome.
