It’s been a while since we talked about blow jobs, so I thought it was high time I resurface to drop some more oral knowledge on everybody. I already went through blow job tips, and now it’s time to discuss the other end of the shaft spectrum: blow job mistakes you’re probably making that could be the reason he’s not texting you back. For those of you questioning my credibility in this field, first of all, I already imparted wisdom on how to give a good blow job without any weird tricks (*glares at Cosmo with their “put a donut around his dick and eat it” nonsense*). More importantly, though, I asked my guy friend for his input on blow job mistakes women (and/or people who give blow jobs) make, and this is the one area that I will concede a guy is probably more qualified to speak on.
1. Not Using Your Tongue
If you are just going up and down like a vacuum, you’re doing it wrong. Just as kissing without your tongue is extremely boring and oddly chaste, so is keeping your tongue in one spot for the entire duration of a blow job. Ideally, as your mouth goes up and down his shaft, your tongue should be doing the same thing. But I don’t mean like, you should just rest your tongue there while your mouth moves—you need to move it around. I already talked about running your tongue up and down the frenulum, and I’ll say it again because it’s important. It’s on the underside of the penis and it’s super sensitive and if you stroke it with your tongue, he will lose his mind.
2. Ignoring The Balls
Not surprising that a common hand job mistake is often a blow job mistake too. Look, I know that balls are weird and, minus the whole “making testosterone and sperm” thing, seem kind of pointless. Like they’re just… there? But actually no, you shouldn’t treat the balls like that annoying coworker who says “Happy Humpday” and act like they don’t exist. If you really want to go from giving the blow job equivalent of cold pizza to serving up kobe beef BJs (IDK, just go with me on the food analogy here), you’re going to need to touch the balls. Play with them with your hands (gently), put them in your mouth (one at a time so you don’t choke), just do something.
3. Not Getting It Wet Enough
If I had to guess, I’d say this problem stems from wanting to be sanitary, but like, you’re just going to have to get over it. Like all sex, the messier and grosser a blow job is, the better it is. These are just the facts of life. And, I mean, think about how ridiculous it is: you’re already putting a dick in your mouth, but you’re going to draw the line at getting your own saliva all over you? It doesn’t really make any sense. Just using your tongue with reckless abandon isn’t enough. You need to get the dick wet. Spit on it. Gag on it a little so you’re forced to produce more saliva (this has the added bonus of making the guy think he’s swinging a third leg even if his dick is the size of a pig in a blanket). Spit on your hand and then use your hand for a bit. Are you basically imploding in on yourself out of discomfort? Too bad. But also, low-key same.
4. Not Keeping A Consistent Rhythm
The rest of the list items come courtesy of my friend Avery, a certified male. When I asked him, “What are the biggest mistakes women make when giving blow jobs?” His first answer was “Not keeping a consistent rhythm.” When I asked why (because wouldn’t you want to switch things up a little so nobody gets bored and I don’t asphyxiate?) he said that you don’t want to be constantly changing things up if you actually want the guy to finish. Like, if a guy was going down on you, would you want him changing his technique every 10 seconds? No. By all means, change things up when you get bored or your jaw starts to hurt, but don’t switch techniques like an overzealous DJ at a bar switching songs.
5. Squeezing Too Hard
From the mouth of that same friend: “It’s not a stress ball, damn.” That’s really all I have to say about that.
6. Acting Like It’s A Favor
This really goes for anyone, and for any sex act. First up: You should not be doing something you do not want to and/or are not comfortable doing. End of discussion. But, as amazing as your BJ skills may be, you should not walk around like you’re the Queen of England for deigning to put genitals in your mouth. (What a low bar for us as a society that would be.) I mean, how annoying would it be if every time a guy went down on you, he basically guilted you into doing something in return for him? Oh, what’s that? Guys already do that when they buy you a drink, take you out, or cat-call you on the street? Right, but like, how much do we hate when they do that? Exactly. Do it because you want to, and because you forgot to buy him a birthday present, but don’t do it in order to force him to shower you with endless praise and thanks.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)
This week Jordana and Jared talk about what girls and guys think of oral sex. They answer questions from a listener who wants to know how many times is normal for a guy to not be able to get it up and a male listener who is ashamed of his lack of sexual experience. They play a game called “would you go on a second date” where they discuss dating dealbreakers.
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I’ll be the first to admit that the thought of giving a blow job used to feel like a fucking chore. It’s that item at the bottom of your to-do list that you can get away with not doing, but probably should be done soon. Like, it never actually leaves, but somehow always gets checked off first—sort of like my last Tinder hookup. But since I’m supposed to be giving you better ways to enjoy sucking dick, while somehow convincing my mom that I’m still at least half a virgin, I’m here to tell you to sack up (pun intended), because dedicating your precious time to giving one blowie isn’t all that fucking bad. Maybe it’s just the type of savage friends I choose to surround myself with, but when I asked how often they give head, this was literally their response:
On one hand, *insert slow golf clap here*. But if you’re reading this and are one of those girls who thinks this doesn’t apply to you because you have a vagine of gold and you treat your guy to half-assed hand jobs on the reg, you’re the reason he cheats, but I guess also the reason I’m employed. That was harsh, but whatever. Giving a hand job is like giving someone a yellow Starburst. It’s always the last choice, but they’re not gonna not take it. So I’m here to save you the shitty comparison with easy positions that’ll make giving head suck a little less (srsly, killing these puns), because nobody wants to be compared to a yellow Starburst. Not even a fucking yellow Starburst.
1. The Lazy Sunday
It’s Sunday morning so, just guessing, you’re prob hungover and the last thing you care to think about is plowing your face into his junk before you can even press start on the Keurig. I get it. But while you’re lying there checking the likes on last night’s Instagram, his morning wood is begging to be sanded down, so because I’m the nice slut woman that I am, I’ll let you in on a secret: Surprising a guy with an earlybird BJ is a proven fact that you’ll get your way the entire rest of the week, but mostly a surefire way he won’t be personally victimized by your morning breath. All you need to do is prop a pillow on his stomach and lay sideways while resting your head on it. His dick will literally be staring you in the face, so you barely even have to move. This position is great for when you’re not entirely awake to give full-service head, but awake enough to not pass back out with a mouth full of peen.
2. Sideways 69
No need to lie anymore—this is a safe place, so let it out, honey. Put it in the book: 69 fucking blows (now I’m just being annoying with the puns). It’s impossible to even concentrate when you’re trying to dodge any and all contact with raw asshole, and holding yourself up constitutes like, a 4-hour barre workout. The sideways 69 is a little less work and a lot less regret. Really all you need to do is lay on your sides in the opposite direction and go to town. He can even get crafty on your end and use a vibrator while you’re generously sampling the sausage. You know, like a “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” kinda thing.
3. Cinema Blow Job (Extra Butter)
If you’re that “can’t keep it in your fucking pants” couple, this one’s for you. Your guy literally just needs to be sitting down while you’re sitting next to him. The next and final step is unzipping his pants and bending over—yeah, groundbreaking. Do it in a theater (for the love of the children, I hope you’re not doing this in a theater, you sick fuck), do it while he’s driving, the world is your bedroom. This position isn’t exactly the most innovative, but trust me—doing it in a taboo location will amp up the excitement and take the edge off whatever is so goddamn torturous about giving head. Just please don’t get arrested.
4. Head Rush
Life is just too damn short to agree to favors that don’t also benefit you in the process. That’s just my take on selfless acts of kindness, but to each their own. This position is probably the most advanced, but I included it because of its benefits. Like, think about it: Would you ever even consider taking a job in the real world without 401k benefits? Case closed. Start out by laying on your bed with your head slightly dangling off. Even though your mouth is fully occupied, it’s important to remember that you’re still in control of this ship (fucking duh). Use your hands to grab onto his thighs and guide him as you damn well please. From there, he has easy access to reach around and keep your vacant vagine some hard-earned company. It’s all really just the law of physics at this point, but if you failed that class, just keep going until he finishes or all the blood rushes to your head—basically whichever comes first.
5. Face Plow
So I realize now that this position is probably the reason for so many peoples’ utter disgust in giving out blowies, but it’s called a blow “job”, not a blow “piece of cake”. So here’s the thing: one of the only times a betch lets a guy exert his dominance is in the bedroom. All you have to do is abide by the rules of gravity. Lay flat on the bed, let him straddle your face, and well… Honestly, I know you’re not an idiot, so judging by the name of this position alone, need I go on?
If you’re reading this, congratulations. Somewhere in the horrifying shit show of modern dating, you found a guy you actually like enough to hang out with sober call your boyfriend. That being said, it definitely sucked when you realized this relationship stuff doesn’t automatically turn you into a “people person”—meaning that your boyfriend, like 99% of the population, definitely has some habits that make you want to rip his fucking throat out destroy his credit score seriously reconsider the whole monogamy thing.
While past me would have advised you to dump any guy who seems a little too happy to let you pay, or is emotionally attached to his video games, I’ve recently realized that there can be some really great stuff hiding behind this idiot boy behavior. And if Angelina Jolie can get Brad Pitt to stop drinking, you can definitely change those 759 two or three things that bug you about your guy. Here’s what I’ve found works:
1. Focus On ONE Habit
I know, I know—how will you choose between smashing his PS4 and blocking half his Insta feed??! A modern day Sophie’s Choice, my friends. But honestly, boys are kind of stupid and there’s a fine line between making six tiny suggestions at once and being the “crazy ex” who was “impossible to please.” If you focus on one thing at a time, it’s much harder for him to turn around and call you demanding. If anything, he just looks weak for not being able to accommodate your super simple request. (Side note: calling him weak at this point is not effective. Just heavily imply it.)
2. Don’t Expect Him To Read Your Mind
Case in point: maybe two months into dating my boyfriend, and in a pretty naked compromising situation, I suddenly half-yelled, “so do you just HATE giving head?” While the bewilderment/fear on my boyfriend’s face was pretty fucking funny, this was poorly thought out for a couple reasons. If my boyfriend didn’t have the patience required to date me supernatural levels of chill, this would’ve turned into an extensive conversation about how exactly he was supposed to know I had an issue in the first place, rather than the issue itself. Do yourself a favor and bring this shit up early.
3. Use “I Feel” Statements
Hear me out. I know this is a staple of every suicide how-to guide self-help book, but this is legit helpful for avoiding the kind of conversation I was just describing. Like, rather than telling your boyfriend “you never do anything to make me feel special” and having him list off every date he’s ever planned, be specific and give him something he can’t argue with. Instead of snapping “you don’t compliment me enough,” maybe go for a wide-eyed “I don’t even really know if you think I’m pretty sometimes.” If he tries to call you out for being manipulative, then TBH you’re not a good enough liar.
4. Blow Jobs
If all else fails Before anything else fails, maybe take advantage of the fact that you hold the keys to the thing guys want more than literally anything else. You can use it explicitly (e.g. “hey babe if you pick up food on the way home and clean your room before I get there…”) or keep it your own little secret (every time he listens patiently and agrees that Karen from work sounds like a scheming bitch, commence blowjob sequence), but this is a very effective reward system that your boyfriend is basically guaranteed to get on board with. Slight warning if you go for the “subtle” approach: remember again that boys are dumb and you may have to eventually clue him in. Otherwise, he might just start getting a confusion boner every time you mention work nemesis Karen, and you definitely don’t want him to try and figure that one out on his own.
If these tips don’t work, just remember that you probably give shit blow jobs every guy is different. Don’t give up, and happy training!
