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Well, we made it. It’s the series finale of Big Little Lies and I just woke up from a frosé- and heat stroke-incuded nap to watch how all of the insanity of this season plays out. Is Renata going to leave her piece of sh*t husband? Will Celeste go full Ted Bundy in court? WTF is happening to Bonnie? By the end of this recap, we’ll hopefully know all. Some of us have hated this season, but we can all come together and agree that we want Reese Witherspoon to adopt us and my skin will just never be clear, cleared up. Whatever, follow me on Instagram (@kashmeredanny) and let’s get into it.
I’m sorry, WHO was this season for? I feel like the majority of the actual fans were happy with it being a perfect and wrapped up mini series. We had ribbons on everything, justice was served, and everyone still had their gorgeous houses. It swept its limited series categories, our favorite gals got some Emmys to add to their mantles, and Reese had HBO wrapped around her fingers to produce hundreds more novels by female writers. Honey, that’s the dream! Well, if that was a dream, then season two, and this finale, was a nightmare.
Usually, when a show or movie gets a continuation it’s because there’s unfinished business or a great new story to tell. Welp, we truly had the opposite of unfinished business. There was no business to talk about. Other times, it’s because fans were BEGGING (Veronica Mars style), but nah, we were good. Maybe it’s because the stars were a little greedy and wanted more spotlight? None of these women needed Big Little Lies to pay for their SUGARFISH bills. So we ask why, and let me just tell you: much like this finale, you won’t get an answer as to why. What you will get? #BigLittleBlueBalls.
I’m watching this one with my mom, who hasn’t watched a single episode of the new season, which should be fun for me, and she asked: “I think you put on the first episode—they’re showing the murder scene and playing Janis Joplin” and I had to tell her no, that’s just kind of how every episode starts. Celeste is shocked at an iPad and Ed is trying to get ready for his workout class at Rumble, great.
Ziggy, adorable as ever, is basically being the muses to Jane’s Meg in Hercules. She won’t say she’s in love, but she should! This is about the time that, in hindsight, I should have just started watching that YouTube video. Mistakes were made.
Is this STARBUCKS PROMO? The actress that plays Chloe better get a cut of this ad money. Shout-out to Americanos. Also, when they went into this scene Meryl was 100% like, “Starbucks? Oh, it’s like a La Colombe?”
Oh, now Ms. Madewell Jacket is worried about her client. Katie, where was this strength two episodes ago? My mom also just said: “I completely forgot Celeste was a lawyer,” which we all did until this trial.
It’s showtime. I think I’m going to start shading people by just saying it’s my observation. THE JURIS DOCTOR IS JUMPING OUT WITH CELESTE. Oh, she got her with a K.O. and the car flashback of Mary Louise and Perry with her dead son is crazy. What’s crazier? How THIS WAS JUST BROUGHT UP NOW WHEN THIS COURT SESSION HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE DECADES. Literally, do lawyers know how to lawyer?
What’s even more insane? Celeste had video proof of Perry not only abusing her, but that her kids had knowledge of it. Girl, these are things that should have been brought up, I don’t know, any time earlier than 30 minutes before the show ends?
We all know a Madeline in the world who will take your trial and saying, “OMG I should have known!” Glad she was able to make the conversation about her for at least .8 seconds. Okay, I really can’t go from that intense court scene to the f*cking Fault In Our Aquarium. Jane’s bangs are splitting at the equator and her 19-year-old boyfriend has bags under his eyes, probably because he has an Intro to Communication final today that he’s been studying for all night. Glad they got to hug, though.
Mary Louise is now snooping around, but Celeste had the best come back of all time: you lost your boys, you don’t get to take mine. While it’s not a Renata flip-off, wow that stung.
Is it just me, or is it really hard to pay attention to any storyline besides Celeste’s? Followed by Renata’s. Bonnie’s storyline went from her jogging, to her doing yoga, to now her trying to kill her mom for the past three episodes? What kind of half-off pillow is she using? Meanwhile, Madeline’s storyline went back to feeling guilt about starting the lie, because even she lost interest in trying to see where she and Ed were going to go to brunch to talk over feelings. Also, glad we didn’t really wrap up Tori and Ed’s storyline. Everyone got mad at me because I didn’t remember her name, WELL THIS IS WHY. CAUSE MY SOUL KNEW BIG LITTLE LIES WAS GONNA DRIVE OFF THE PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY.
Okay, we now know where Jane gets her bang goals from: Max and Josh. Hair is everything, Anthony. (If you don’t get that reference, watch Fleabag immediately. Talk about a satisfying finale). Oh, that was a quick blip because Ed is now trying to get his Barry’s on. Shocked Ed didn’t start singing ”We Are Never Getting Back Together,” since they love to end these seasons with him doing karaoke. JK, he wants to renew their vows? I will never understand rich people. A shot at a new beginning, The Hills: New Beginnings. Basically, Ed and Madeline are going to LA and helping Mischa Barton run lines.
While court starts, Bonnie has an issue of her own: her mom suffered another stroke. Honestly, this season (and maybe series in general) doesn’t know what to do with Bonnie. They just have her walk through Lululemon depressed. Justice for Zoë Kravitz.
Is this how courts work? Why do I feel like this is now becoming a spoken word battle, when in reality it should just be closing statements and a decision. CELESTE HAS THE KIDS. I literally started to cry? This is why you don’t drink frosé at 2pm.
Cut to the hospital again, and Bonnie’s mom passed away, and now B is wasting no time in bringing in the realness. Finally, Zoë gets a monologue that shows off her talent. Damn, justice is served in a sense for Madeline: she gets vow renewals, he gets hospital coffee and divorce papers.
Renata being told to calm down is probably the last thing she should ever be told. THIS MONTAGE IS WHAT WE NEED FOR HER. LET THE RAGE OUT. This episode really could have just been this scene and I would have been satisfied. Oh God, I really thought she killed him and that the series finale of this show would just be them doing “Cell Block Tango”.
This wedding is secret Pinterest sponcon and I won’t be told otherwise. And here is where the wheels really fall off. Mary Louise is going back home, like Swiper after Dora tells him to now swipe? Okay, drive safe. Jane is slow dancing again. Wow, I could not be more over a character in my entire life. Happy she can finally have sex with her secret life of an American Teenager boyfriend.
HIM SHIRTLESS DOESN’T MATTER because we have Bonnie’s final showcase, or WHAT WE THOUGHT was going to be her final showcase. She goes to the police department to confess, only for the Fab Five to arrive by her side. Honestly with the way this episode went, I’m f*cking shocked JVN didn’t just appear to glam them all up before confessing. Poor teenager got blue balls, prob. Wow this last scene is pretty gorgeous…until I REALIZED THAT WAS THE DAMN ENDING. No wonder this song is playing at the end because TAKE ANOTHER LITTLE PIECE OF MY HEART AND SEVEN MORE HOURS OF MY LIFE, BIG LITTLE LIES. WE DON’T EVEN GET TO SEE THEM ENTER THE DOOR?
In the words of Ally Maine: why did you do that, do that, do that, do that, do that to me? Is anyone satisfied with this ending? Or are you like me and Jane’s middle school boyfriend and suffering from major Big Little Blue Balls over that ending. Damn. Do we do a third season to find out what happened, or just blast thank u, next while obsessing over Euphoria?
Images: HBO; Giphy (5)
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The show is starting, and Jane is giving us Worst Uber Driver Energy blasting music. Ah, it’s her “I might kill a man” playlist—a much needed one for 2019. Turns out, her 17-year-old lover was brought into questioning about Perry’s death. Apparently it’s now like Mean Girls, where the first one who cracks gets a deal and everyone else is f*cked. Now I guess she’s on crack.
Ah, a flashback to season one Celeste in this cop interview, back when she didn’t annoy me constantly. Looks like Mary Louise is watching these old tapes with the detective because I guess there’s nothing fun on local Monterey TV.
Wait, I thought her mom was killed last episode? I can’t hear her dad whispering because he’s truly talking under his breath in a way that would make me afraid to sit next to him on a subway, but I’m assuming it was something about him being awful.
Ed and Madeline are drinking wine and having cheese and crackers which seems like a normal, good step for them—the important part of any healing in a relationship is to be drunk, at least that’s what I think before getting dumped. Meanwhile, across the multi-million-dollar streets, Celeste is watching the ocean with her kids.
Madeline is thinking of telling Ed about the drama, for which Renata emotionally tried to slap some sense into her. I personally feel like Madeline is just ready to try and Olivia Pope her own life and save herself. Endorphins make people happy—and happy people don’t want to go to jail.
Speaking of endorphins, it seems like they’re not working for Bonnie because she is miserable. Ah, so she TRIED to kill her mom but didn’t work. Lifetime, where you at?
It’s the court hearing and The Good Wife fan in me is jumping out. I’m drinking pinot noir so I’m ready to object at any time. Wait, Celeste’s lawyer is not wearing her jacket. What’s happening!? She asked a question and immediately got shut down, which is very on brand for this lawyer. But yikes—Celeste is testifying and now it’s fair game to ask her anything. Nicole Kidman, do you think my hair looks sexy pushed back?
Bonnie asking her doctor if it’s okay to kill her mom is peak Season 2 of Big Little Lies. Renata is pensively angry in half a ball gown while firing her nanny/maid, which feels like super California. Juliet, we hardly knew ye.
Since when do you wear a wet suit… with gloves… to bodyboard? I guess they go great with her wet bangs.
Madeline is apologizing to Bonnie and Bonnie is still serving her hungover stare realness. I love that everyone is going to watch her testify—it’s basically like her one-woman show, but they all could wind up in jail. Feels like Chicago! F*ck this lawyer for mocking her abuse. And then getting her one night stand broadcasted in front of everyone. If I had to testify for every time I slept with someone whose name I didn’t know, I’d have a full on grand jury appearance. This was hard to watch. FULL GEOMETRY COMING IN WITH THESE STIMULATIONS OF PERRY’S DEATH. WHERE IS MS. MADEWELL JACKET TO OBJECT MORE THAN ONCE?
It’s insane that Celeste’s every move has been watched — like, what’s next, the detective is going to know what bike she was on at SoulCycle? I like get that it’s this private investigator’s job to do this, but honestly she is such a bitch. LET MY PRETTY RICH FRIENDS LIVE.
Ed meeting with Jess/Jenn/Josie and the Pussycats on a Starbucks date is one of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen. All of this is done over oat milk lattes and rent-a-shrink diagnosis about what cheating on your spouse who cheated on you can do. You so know this woman went to her manicurist and asked for red gels being like, “I need a dark color to try and steal a husband”. His standing desk infuriates me also for some reason. I think I’m 100% at a Big Little Lies boiling point.
Jane goes to Mary Louise and is ready to attack. This is why older woman should take up knitting or go to a communal home, they have too much free time on their hands.
I KNOW SHE’S NOT BUT I REALLY THOUGHT CELESTE WAS DRINKING SKINNY GIRL MARGARITA FOR A SECOND. GIVE US THE CROSSOVER. Yikes, it’s a drinking-from-the-bottle kind of night, aka a night you definitely shouldn’t have after being attacked at trial all day.
Looks like everyone is falling apart because Madeline is full-on dancing in a wedding dress. Ed telling Madeline she can’t wave a wand and fix things is kind of hysterical because exclusively Reese Witherspoon can wave me to do anything she’d like me to do.
Calling it now: Bonnie killes herself with a suicide note that fesses up to everything and leaves the other girls off the hook.
We’re going back to court, but before that, Celeste is filming a makeup tutorial. Hey guyz, I know a lot of you have been asking about my Chic Court Look.
This judge doesn’t know the difference between a sexual addiction and being horny, cause I see nothing wrong with Celeste. Be cool, don’t be all uncool. Class with the Countess Celeste. Luckily Celeste was able to take better control of the court questioning this time around with only 5% help from her lawyer.
Bonnie confesses to her mom… but not about Perry. She opens up about the awful childhood she had—it starts very Ten Things I Hate About You but turns into an awful, dark look into Bonnie’s life and how unhappy she is and then she finally confessed about killing him… in a public space. Like, where is the night nurse that is like “what the fuck did I just hear?”
UH, I SPOKE TOO SOON. JULIET IS BACK IN A BIG WAY. Turns out, she was sleeping with Renata’s husband and she’s getting $160,000 from it. Wow, I need to start sleeping with better people. Give Laura Dern THE GOD DAMN EMMY PLEASE.
Sidenote, can I make people rise for me when I enter into a room? Turns out Celeste is calling the SHOTS cause Ms. Madewell didn’t think of anything and she’s going full Ted Bundy going to court. DAMN THIS CLIFFHANGER. And yet again, we’re hooked.
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Another day, another flashback to start things off. Honestly, I’m loving this season so far—but you can’t tell me that it doesn’t give you Pretty Little Liars energy. Everyone is waking up and pondering things while looking at the water, because apparently what else do you do in Monterey besides look into the ocean and kill people?
We’re kicking things off with a husband-on-husband scene, and not in the PornHub way. Ed and Nathan talk it out while they’re working out in the morning—another reason why I never jog. Nathan has gotten so annoying, no wonder Bonnie is checked out.
The child custody hearing is off, and Mary Louise is giving her best Iron Lady while also acting like every girl at brunch who wants to sh*t talk their friend who is not there. “No she’s like, literally crazy.”
Celeste hired a lawyer who, while she may not be doing her job, is doing a damn good job at pulling off that jacket. Rent the Runway unlimited, I’m sure.
WHY IS EVERYONE JOGGING? Okay nevermind, Bonnie was just dream jogging—my favorite form of working out. Weird that I still only fit in jeggings. She’s still at the hospital staying with her mom while her dad basically just gives her death glares 24/7. Weird, how did HBO get this tape of my Thanksgiving from last year?
Madeline, desperate for a storyline, is taking Ed on a retreat to bond their relationship that may involve bondage. I can so f*ck with a Carole King sing-along, though.
Celeste is a lawyer, a fact that I’m pretty sure we all forgot about (including Celeste herself), and she went to see Renata to trash talk her lawyer. Dreams. This is the first time Renata has been working all season though, right? I guess the Women In Power article caught on to that, because they pulled her from the article, which actually made me genuinely upset but genuinely not surprised.
Some weird kid came to bully Ziggy and the twins came to his defense—but unfortunately, that defense came with an extreme offense. Both Jane and Celeste’s kids are suspended for three days, so at least they’ll have more time to stare into the water.
Wait, is Bonnie psychic? She’s basically like the Long Island Medium, except not Italian. And not in Long Island.”
Yup, that was definitely a sex cult, but at least it go them to communicate (and communicating in California is just shouting in a car). Ed dragged Madeline (as the kids say) and damn, I do try so hard to feel bad for him in all of their scenes. But, is it just me, or is it impossible to ever blame Reese Witherspoon for anything ever? Let her screw all the theater directors she wants! Every month is Pride!
Renata’s “spent her entire life with a bullseye on her back,” which is a C-minus in terms of all of the lines she’s said this season. She met Mary Louise for tea, in every way that word is used. Mary Louise is shocked this isn’t just a “tea party,” which, no sh*t—that’s like when I invite someone to a workout that winds up just being a brunch. No one drinks tea and no one JOGS IN THE DAMN MORNING.
Celeste is parenting her kids in the best way she can, which is by screaming and crying while also whispering with her whispy bangs. It’s kind of weird that in an alternate universe, her kids would be played by Dylan and Cole Sprouse. Shout-out to Dylan Sprouse’s meadery in Brooklyn.
Ed has a sweet but heartbreaking moment with Chloe that is 100% ruined by Bonnie leading an adult Kidz Bop lesson that’s mixed with an overpriced Brooklyn barre class. “Singing for Sleep Apnea” is definitely a charity party from The Hills. Yikes, looks like Bonnie’s dad is a beyond confirmed piece of sh*t.
Celeste’s lawyer is doing nothing but wearing a coat, round two. After Celeste breaks down at a custody hearing, she sends a group chat to her girls to meet her at the beach (it’s going down). Turns out she’ll have to testify during her settlement, and when she’s on the stand she’s fair game to ask about anything aka the murder. Basically, the lawyer could be like you when you’re in a fight with a friend and try to bring it up casually but you have no chill:
Me: How was your day?
Me: What the f*ck did you say about me in the group chat the other day?
MAJOR shout out to this A+ line from Renata, maybe one of the contenders for best line of the series. “That’s perjury, babe.”
Ed and Chloe, Bonnie and her dad… this is a huge Father’s Day card of emotions going down. He talks to her about how he wanted to keep the peace between all of them, which is what I say to everyone every time I’m in an Uber Pool. Yup, the mom is magic and she can sometimes see things that are right—very That’s Kinda Raven.
Cool, we were all fully weeping when Celeste and her boys were talking, right? Meanwhile, Renata forced Ammabella to play hooky with her, because she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.
THE ICE CREAM SCENE THE ICE CREAM SCENE THE ICE CREAM SCENE. The moment we saw GIF’d and meme’d since Meryl was first announced as a cast member. AND IT DIDN’T EVEN HAPPEN. Instead we got left with Jane slow dancing with her 15-year-old coworker AGAIN. I’m sorry, but why is HBO doing this to us? If I wanted to see someone awkwardly kiss on a couch with blunt bangs, I’d log back into MySpace.
Jane is still struggling to connect sexually with her trauma, and fine, the 15-year-old has grown on me by being so nice with Ziggy. I did realize that Nicole Kidman in a baseball cap is my sexual orientation, though.
Okay, did I just get high, because so much is happening at once? It’s like a dressing room montage, but with kayaks and wine and… assisted suicide? AND TORI FROM THE FIRST EPISODE OF THIS SEASON? Fine, I remember her from there, but in no way shape or form was she in any episode in season one. The bartender gave them shots, and I guess when you’re over 30 that is code for we gon’ bang.
So this episode ends with Jane’s man leaving the police department, Bonnie walking to the police department after probably killing her mom, Madeline’s husband about to have a … threesome… with TORI, and Celeste’s lawyer prob at Marshall’s finding a new jacket. Big Little Lies, what are you on?
Images: HBO; Giphy