Even thinking about acne makes me break out, but someone’s gotta be the lifesaver and tell us WTF is causing this shit and how to get rid of it for once and for all. Naturally, that person will be me *hair flips dramatically.* I hate acne just as much as… literally every person on Earth who’s ever gotten a pimple. It’s literally the worst buzzkill if you’re really feelin’ yourself on Snapchat and it’s also like, the biggest turnoff for anyone, ever. Most of us have been personally victimized by a fugly zit (or several) at some point, and you’d think that shit would stop after high school but you’d be wrong. So, so very wrong. It’s bad enough to get red bumps on your face but then there’s chestne and bacne that we have to fucking worry about, too. Surprisingly, where your acne appears on your body says a lot about your unhealthy lifestyle and what’s triggering those breakouts. So, here’s what those triggers probs are and how to avoid them. I promise, I won’t make your face smell like a foot.
If You Have Acne On Your Hairline…
You Should Chill With Wearing Hats And Using Dry Shampoo
Any acne here is more often than not connected to your hair or your head (duh)—what goes into your hair, what you put on your head…etc. Avoid hairspray, oil-based products, and any shampoo or conditioner that contains sulfates. Unfortunately, our BFF dry shampoo can sometimes harm our hair if we depend on it too much (and we do). By prolonging your next hair wash, you’re adding to the oily buildup, which in turn clogs pores, makes you break out, the whole nine yards. Keep your hair wash schedule frequent and consistent. Do you think you’re cute wearing that baseball cap or workout headband? You’ll want to think twice about putting it on if you can’t remember the last time you washed it. It has a shit ton of nasty af sweat, basically suffocates your hairline, and hellooo, hat hair!!! If you insist, make sure to wash hair accessories frequently or like, just wash your hair ASAP.
^^^No, we fucking CARE.
If You Have Acne In Your T-Zone…
Blame It On Where You Live
I’m looking at you, New Yorkers and Californians. Living in the world’s best cities is great and all, but not only does it rob you of every penny to your name, it also wreaks havoc on your face. All that traffic, literal garbage, and *gags* public transportation smoke is fucking disgusting. The smallest of dirt, gas, or pollution particles flock to your T-Zone as soon as you step outside. Your basic face wash isn’t going to do the trick, so you’ll need a cleansing sponge like the Boscia Konjac Cleansing Sponge With Complexion Clearing Clay to get the filth off in areas your hands can’t. Keep in mind scorching summers and dry winters play a factor, too. For those of you down south, keep away from oil-based cleansers (fucking obviously) and for those who suffer from arctic temps, use a v hydrating cleanser such as the Olehenriksen The Clean Truth Foaming Cleanser which retains moisture and cleanses your pores at the same damn time.
If You Have Acne On Your Cheeks…
You Don’t Clean Things That Touch Your Face 24/7 As Often As You Should
Tsk, tsk. Things that touch your face constantly, even if you don’t realize it, are fucking up your skin big time. This includes your phone, so like, all those times you answer the phone with a full contour on but forget to wipe the screen. Putting this shit back on your face over and over again 1) sounds gross, and it is, and 2) makes you breakout like cray cray so, uh, wipe off your phone screen every time. In case you didn’t know, you kinda have to wash your makeup brushes pretty fucking often, too. If you don’t, you’re essentially putting dirt, oil, and sooo much bacteria back on your face. Repeatedly. I literally already went over how to actually clean your makeup brushes so your skin doesn’t hate you, so here you go.
If You Have Acne On Your Jawline or Chin…
You’re Probs Stressed The F Out Or Drinking Too Much Cranberry Juice Cocktail
Surprise, surprise. Stress causes acne. I can’t tell you to just stop being stressed because life doesn’t really work that way and tbh, we’re all gonna be stressed af until the day we die. What I can say is, try being ~zen~ by meditating more often, putting that yoga mat to use, and just namaste, betch. Whatever you do, do not touch those pesky zits staring back at you. It’s a trap, I tell you. If your weekly diet consists of pasta, vodka cranberries, and iced coffees served light and sweet (god pls grant me the courage to change my ways), these sugary carbonated devils foods will attack your mouth area. Eliminate at least one calorie-loaded food you eat on a regular basis to unclog your pores and prevent oil. A bunch of red bumps around your mouth isn’t a good look, GF.
If You Have Acne On Your Chest…
Stop Putting Makeup On Your Boobs And Wash Your Sports Bra
This tends to be frequent in the warmer months, thanks to the combo of humidity and tight clothing. Whether you’re laying out tanning or day drinking in a deep V-neck bodysuit, make sure to use a super lightweight sunscreen like Shiseido Urban Environment UV Protection Cream Broad Spectrum SPF 40 For Face/Body so you stay protected and moisturized without aggravating sensitive skin. Also, avoid clogging your pores with layers of makeup on your chest, even if you have a small breakout. You’ll actually make it worse, so just don’t do it, promise? If you do this thing called like, cardio, wearing a sports bra alone clogs your pores and produces bacteria on your chest. When you’re done with your workout, make sure to shower immediately to get all that shit off and throw your bra in the hamper for a wash. And then actually wash it.
If You Have Acne On Your Back…
Your Bag Sucks And You Should Wash Your Bed Sheets
Bacne is the literal fucking worst. It really is your typical selfish, back-stabbing, slut-face, hoe bag of a thing that exists and no, there is not much more to it. Like most triggers (take a hint), wearing tight clothing or something that constantly rubs your back causes skin irritation which—ding, ding, ding!!!—causes acne. This includes lame backpacks or heavy shoulder straps. For starters, we actually found lightweight backpacks that won’t cause back sweat. Although it’s nearly impossible unless you’re a yogi, washing your back will help a lot. Find a nice person exfoliating brush like the Ecotools Bristle Back Brush to help you reach hard-to-get places. Laying back in a pile of oil and dirt will obvs defeat the purpose of that, though so, be sure that you’re washing your bed sheets regularly to avoid contact with buildup on your back.
To be blunt, my face is my most prized possession. It’s the only thing that has gotten me this far in life. With or without pounds of makeup, I care for it as much as I do for like, my dog—which is more than I do for any person, ever. I would be nothing without my high-status man candy, technically good physique flawless skin, and army of skanks evil band of *loyal* Instagram followers. Which is why when I notice the slightest of breakouts, I run to the nearest Walgreens and buy every fucking overpriced face wash/cream/moisturizer on the market. But, like other times I (appropriately) acted irrationally, I usually hate myself for being so god damn impulsive and spending my entire paycheck in one sitting for a bunch of shit that doesn’t even work. IDK, maybe there should’ve been a self-control course in college. No one cares why x+y=z and other lame ass bullshit that doesn’t make sense.
Attempting to learn something (for once in my life), I’ve taught myself how to be resourceful by using water as a chaser food in my kitchen as a remedy for all of my facial flaws. If this means having my face smell like a foot or avocado toast, then so fucking be it. I’m saving money by not leaving my house. What’s there to complain about? Here are common foods probably in your cabinet or fridge that will do wonders for your skin (you’re fucking welcome).
Lemon
Lemons are the answer to most of life’s problems like providing us with good cocktails and catchy album titles. Well, who fucking knew it could benefit your face too? To reduce redness, excess oil, and light scarring, apply fresh lemon juice to targeted areas with a cotton ball. NGL, it may sting just a tad, but let those juices flow, GF.
Unsweetened Plain Yogurt
Okay, this is probably a little far-fetched being that no fucking normal person nonchalantly has plain unsweetened yogurt chilling in their fridge. Unless you’re into like, diets and being healthy. Whatever the fuck that means. In this case, you may have to buy some to not only impress your skinny snobby friends, but also to slab on your face. Ingredients such as lactic acid and zinc help moisturize your face. They fight aging and prevent nasty-ass wrinkles. You’ll always be 25 on the outside if you use enough.
Raw Honey
Don’t be lazy with this one. Finding an unprocessed, natural, pure honey is most likely found at a local farmers market or hipster grocery store (aka Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods). It’s important to find one without sugary loaded shit—aka that shit that comes in the bear bottle at your grocery store won’t cut it. Apply to only affected areas to reduce swelling and prevent infection. Wash off thoroughly after your desired time because like, do I really need to explain why?
Tomatoes
Ever wondered how to get rid of vomit-inducing blackheads? Grind or blend a few tomatoes until they become a paste. Apply it as a facial mask after washing your face to unclog your pores and serve as an exfoliant. Fresh tomatoes reduce oil and prevent blackheads.
Avocado
Life tip: If you have avocado at home already, guac isn’t extra for you!! You go, Glen Coco. I know you don’t really need another reason to have/eat avocado, but either option is fantastic for your skin. Applying avocado directly onto your face keeps it looking nourished and radiant. If you have a sunburn, apply to the affected area to rid dead skin cells and protect from sun damage.
Oats
All around, oats are pretty fucking great for your skin. Even for the most sensitive skin types, oats relieve itchiness, reduce swelling, and lock in natural moisture. Use as a paste or grind for a loose powder. Oats are especially ideal for those who are prone to allergies or skin conditions such as eczema or psoriasis.
Bananas
Whether you use its peel or mash it up, applying fresh bananas give life to any dull complexion. The shit ton of vitamins and potassium provide soft, glowing skin to make you look as young as the first time you got a fake ID. FYI, if you rub a banana peel along your teeth, your teeth will have a fab glow-up too.
Cucumber
I mean, fucking duh. Everybody in the English-speaking world knows the penis-looking veggie does some common good for your face. Although they’re literally like, water, placing cucumbers on your eyes reduces puffiness and dark circles because what is sleep anymore. If you’re suffering from an allergic reaction or type of skin irritation, apply to the specific area for cooling and relieving purposes.
You take your makeup off before bed (usually, unless you are suuuuppppper fucked up), you moisturize, you understand the importance of masks and facials, but even with all of that, you’re probably still doing dumb shit to your poor skin. The problem is that you don’t know what kind of heinous acts you are committing against your visage. Thankfully, now’s the time to get out of your bad skin rut by paying attention to all the ways you’ve been fucking everything up. See below.
1. You’re Eating Too Much Sugar
It’s common knowledge that what you eat affects your body, which affects your skin. But sugar, specifically, has a nasty way of fucking with you. Overconsumption of your second favorite white powder substance leads to a breakdown of collagen, which leads to premature aging and saggy skin.
2. You’re Not Wearing SPF All Year Long
IDGAF if the temperature makes your hands feel like they are about to fall off, if the sun’s out (and even if it’s not tbh), it’s still harming your skin. Put SPF 50 or higher on anytime you are going to be outside. Yes, even if it’s cloudy. And if you are out there longer than an hour, you have to reapply. Try a setting spray with SPF (like this one from Goop) so you can easily reapply throughout the day.
3. You’re Not Sleeping Enough
Life can be a real motherfucker. Meaning, it doesn’t allow you to get any sleep. Most of the time there’s nothing you can do, but if you find yourself not being able to fall asleep before bed, try shutting down your electronics and phone 30 minutes prior (artificial light before bed interferes with the production of sleep hormones). Pick up a fucking book or something instead.
4. You’re Sleeping On Your Side
Sleeping on your side or stomach causes your skin to wrinkle in places it shouldn’t. Consider getting a silk pillow, or make a conscious effort to fall asleep on your back instead.
5. You’re Popping Pimples Yourself
When you get a zit, put some salicylic acid on it and then leave it the fuck alone. If it’s big and red, you can ice it for the swelling to go down. But, as for popping it and picking at it, you’ll just end up making the problem worse, so don’t.
6. You Never Clean Your iPhone
That shit is a breeding ground for bacteria. If it’s by/on your face, or if you touch it and then touch your face, consider yourself also a breeding ground for bacteria.
7. You’re Too Stressed Out
I’m sure everyone’s told you this based on your demeanor and high-pitched voice, but you need to fucking relax. If that means going to yoga, fine. If that means popping a Xanax and taking a long shower, also fine. If you can’t do it for your heart palpitations, at least do it for your skin.
