The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Mayor Of Paradise Returns

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Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise Week 2, Night 1! For those of you who are just dipping your toes into BiP this week, you should know that we’ve watched a total of four hours of television and have still not witnessed one single rose ceremony. It’s starting to feel less like a reality dating show and more like a hostage situation. At least we still have wine!

Last week we were just going into the rose ceremony, and it looked like Caelynn, Bibi, Onyeka, Jane, Kristina, and Annaliese were all in trouble. They all took, um…different approaches in trying to secure a rose. Bibi went with my personal favorite approach: weeping into her margarita and wailing about how nobody loves her. This is a tried and true method of mine and, let me tell you, it has a 100% success rate in gently being asked to leave the premises. Caelynn decided her best bet was to give an over the pants handy to the island weirdo, Cam (I paraphrase). Caelynn is fun, because one minute she’s the spokeswoman for being honest and not using people, and the next minute she’s using people blowing so much smoke up Cam’s ass it’s amazing a plane hasn’t been signaled from the sky. Finally, we have Jane, who went with poisoning her potential suitors. How this helps her cause, I’m not sure, but I stan any woman who is willing to poison a man on national television. Keep doing you, boo boo.

Moving on. This week we open with the rose ceremony and Bibiana is not doing well. She looks as if she’s being held together by tequila and boob tape. Again, we are the same. There’s a lot of debate over whose rose Hannah will accept, and if any girl will accept Blake’s rose, and I love that they’re pretending like the girls on that beach have enough self-respect to not accept a rose because they don’t particularly like the guy handing one out. I’m pretty sure if a sea urchin had a rose to give out they would not only accept its rose but try and make out with it for good measure. Please.

The rose ceremony goes as follows:

That means my girl Bibi, Annaliese, and plain Jane are all going home. Bibi, all I have to say is you deserved so much better than this! Annaliese, this is about what you deserved.

Now that it’s the girls’ week to choose, Blake has decided he no longer wants to keep things “open,” and would suddenly rather focus all of his energy on one girl (Hannah). I’m sure this emotional growth has nothing to do with the fact that Hannah is the only woman who doesn’t want to use his bones as kindling at the next beach bonfire. Nope. Nothing at all.

Also, watching Blake stoically sit on the beach makes me think he looks like one of those guys that smoked a lot of weed in high school, then never left town so he just became a local cop and spends his weekends confiscating kegs from the teenagers’ parties.

Add in some ill-timed finger guns and the resemblance is uncanny!

Jordan Kimball is the first new man to arrive in Paradise and is visibly shocked to learn that Blake is the player of this season. You can tell that Jordan once had to explain to Blake what “having game” meant and that it was different from owning the latest version of Madden, and now that his little monster is stealing all the hot blondes from him. He’s disturbed.

HANNAH: *sums up Blake’s love quadrangle*
JORDAN: Blake? Blake Horstmann? Is there another Blake in the Bachelor franchise you might have him confused with?

Jordan says something about how it’s not right that Blake has his “spoon in all the puddings,” and is this a phrase the youths are saying today? I’m confused. I thought the phrase was “snack” not “snack pack”? You learn something new every day!

Future Urban Dictionary searches aside, I’m with Jordan here. I don’t understand why people are into Blake. When Blake was on Becca’s season he was kind of a weirdo. He had his height going for him and also if you squinted in just the right way he might be a little bit conventionally attractive, but his overall allure was lost on me. Now that he’s back in the Bachelor spotlight and licking the wrappers of every pudding in the pack (see, I can be a youth too!!), I’m very alarmed.

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What a difference a year makes!!! ? @brettsvergara

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I love how they describe Jordan’s type as blonde and a model, as if that equates to a lasting relationship. They’re like “well it worked out for him and Jenna,” and if by “worked out” they mean the relationship was metaphorically tied to a pyre and set ablaze then, yes, it did work out for them.

Jordan asks Hannah out on the date because he says their conversation was “so easy” and they “really connected.” I’m pretty sure all she said was “those are some spiffy shoes,” but okay.

Although Hannah initially accepts Jordan’s offer she ends up turning him down for the date. She’s like: “I just can’t date three people.” LOL. So two is fine, but she draws the line at three guys? I’m glad we know where she stands.

HANNAH: It’s just, like, really hard to have three guys into you at once you know?

Happy with her decision to only emotionally ruin two men instead of three, Hannah seeks out the human embodiment of a body pillow: Dylan. I love how they keep saying how emotionally challenging this experience is. They’re like “I’m exhausted” but hasn’t it been, like, three days? If this is emotionally exhausting, I would love to see them work an office job for one week. If you think literal paradise is tough kids, then just wait until you get an email from Jennifer in HR telling you that “cropped attire” isn’t appropriate for the workplace. Talk about emotionally exhausting!

Jordan quickly bounces back from Hannah’s rejection and asks Nicole on a date instead. Luckily for him, Nicole doesn’t have a hard line for human decency so she accepts! They go zip lining through the jungle and fend off several uncomfortable questions from Jorge about their relationship. While that date description sounds like the stuff of my nightmares, Nicole seems very into it.

NICOLE: I think Jordan could be husband material.
ALSO NICOLE: How would I describe my type? Hmm….

Meanwhile, back at the beach the women are casting an ill wish spell upon Blake. They’re like “can you imagine the audacity he has to date several people at once on a show that encourages you to date several people at once? Bippity, boppity, boo bitch!

The strength of their margaritas is strong, but the power of their coven proves stronger. Moments later we watch their bitchcraft at work when Blake loses a toenail lunging for a football on the beach. The wails he emits over a stubbed toe only enhances their powers: their hair gets shinier, their nails grow longer, their skin gets clearer. If Blake suddenly dies in a bizarre beach accident and Demi lives to be 212, we’ll know what’s up.

Speaking of ill wishes, let’s move on to Caelynn and Cam. If you’ll recall Caelynn somehow connected with Cam at the last rose ceremony. If it felt like this relationship came out of nowhere, then shame on you! There was absolutely a foundation of desperateness at its core. God!

CAM: I licked my lower lip and still tasted the salt from your margarita. I felt such joy.

You guys, that speech Cam just gave was absolutely terrifying. When he mentions being her biggest “Cam-fan” a chill went down my spine.

Mike Johnson walks into Paradise next and the women let out a collective sigh of relief knowing that they’ll finally be rescued from the sea creatures production has tried to pass off as human men this season.

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Not even hyperbole!!!#TheBachelor #TheBachelorette #BachelorInParadise #BachelorNation #thebachelormemes #bachelormemes

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Mike and Caelynn immediately hit it off. He asks her if she’s seeing anyone and she says she’s not seeing someone so much as she has a man that wants to keep her head in his fridge. I, mean, tell me where the lie is.

They go on a date and you can tell Caelynn is just very grateful to be there. The future Mike paints for her is much more appealing than the one where Cam keeps a lock of her hair in his wallet and she pretends to think that’s cute. And while I’m happy for Caelynn, I’m confused as to why Mike is so into her? Their date is just a candlelit dinner and a lot of repeating each other’s sentences. I’m not sure if I’m watching a love story unfold or a person training their parrot.

MIKE: You have a great smile.
CAELYNN: No, you have a great smile.
MIKE: No, you have a great smil—

Back at the beach, Wells must be well on his way to earning a bonus from ABC because Katie is absolutely obliterated. It’s the only explanation for that reaction when Wills tells her that he’s into her.

WILLS: I like you.

I love that production is trying to make it seem like she’s not hammered and just really torn up about having to turn someone down. SURE JAN. But let’s look at the facts, shall we? She’s sobbing, incoherent, and is easily distracted by walking red flags named Chris. Yep! Sounds like she’s totally sober to me.

As the episode comes to a close, we get one more development in the Blake/Hannah/Dylan love triangle. So far, Dylan has done a pretty effective job of holding Hannah’s interest if only because he refuses to leave her side. At this point I’m starting to think he’s rigged some sort of catheter underneath those swim trunks so he doesn’t have to take a bathroom break.

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Dylan’s a sweetheart though – – – – – – – ( #thebachelor #thebachelorette #hannahb #thebeast #hannahfromalabama #rose #bachelorette #bachelor #abc #hannahbrown #bachelorinparaside #BAP #engaged )

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But despite Dylan’s best efforts, Blake manages to get some alone time with Hannah. He tells her he has some “big things planned” and I would love to know more about these “big things.” Is it like “let’s have a one night stand and then I’ll bang your friend tomorrow” kind of big things? Because if so, I absolutely believe that’s part of his plan.

ARE THEY MAKING OUT? RIGHT IN FRONT OF DYLAN?! That is bold. Far bolder than I gave credit to a girl who is 3% body fat 97% hair extensions. Hannah, you’re a monster!

Dylan confronts the two of them and that really isn’t a good idea, buddy. Looking needy never comes off as sexy, and stamping your foot like that and wailing “but I saw her first” certainly isn’t helping your case.

Hannah, of course, says nothing because she couldn’t fit a spine in that small of a body. Can we all say a quick prayer of thanks that she was not our bachelorette this season? #TeamAlabamaHannahForever

And that’s it for tonight, folks! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow night to find out if Dylan will find a way to go on living after Hannah’s rejection. Dylan, I know it’s tough out there for a beautiful human surrounded by other beautiful humans on the most gorgeous beach imaginable with massive amounts of alcohol and producers constantly stroking your ego, but somehow I have faith you’ll carry on!!

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UPDATED: A Full Breakdown Of Blake And Caelynn’s Messy Texts

UPDATE: The fallout in Bachelor Nation surrounding the Blake/Caelynn/Kristina drama has continued throughout this week, and last night Caelynn finally spoke out about what’s been going on. After Blake posted and deleted their texts on Tuesday night, Caelynn responded on Wednesday with a lengthy statement on her Instagram.

First, Caelynn immediately owned up to sending those texts, but said that the screenshots from Stagecoach are not an accurate representation of their relationship. She also said that she’s “mortified” that her private texts were published by someone she considered a friend. I actually feel for her on this. In this era of social media scandals and receipts, it’s become super common for people to publish text screenshots, but it’s definitely still an invasion of privacy.

Caelynn also says that it seems like she and Blake just had different ideas of what their relationship was. She clarifies that when she said Blake “ghosted” her, she was referring to before Stagecoach, after they had been talking for a few months. This makes more sense, given that they were definitely texting between Stagecoach and the time they left for Paradise. 

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Here we go… I am not here to deny those text messages or the conversations that took place. Things got taken out of context on the show, and a large part of the story is missing. The reality of the situation is that Blake was not a one night stand at a music festival and the ‪5 am‬ text exchange that Blake chose to share is not an accurate representation of our past relationship. I take ownership for what I said on the beach. I was upset and I let my emotions control my words. However, I did not go on a show to ruin someone’s character. I attempted to address my feelings and the situation with Blake face to face. It’s unfortunate that I didn't get the same respect in return, and I am absolutely mortified our private texts were put out there for the world to see and judge by someone who I trusted and consider a friend nonetheless. It’s clear to me that Blake and I had different ideas of what our “relationship” was. We started talking months before Stagecoach. We FaceTimed everyday and talked about potentially skipping paradise to be together. When I say he ghosted me, it was after those few months of us talking.  It was my understanding there was no one else and I thought we were on the same page. What infuriates me the most is that I’m being trolled for having sex because of what I’ve been through. I want to be very clear that I am not looking for sympathy. I took the necessary steps to move on and heal, but I will not be abstinent for the rest of my life because of it. This is a complicated situation considering it’s not only on TV, but has taken a life of its own on the internet.  This could’ve been over after last night’s episode, but since it’s now all over Instagram, I felt like it was imperative to share my truth. We all have our own perception of how different situations unfold and there are many sides to this story. I hope that we can all move forward and support one another, rather than tear each other down. I have moved on and I am excited to continue to share the rest of my journey with you all.

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While Caelynn does an okay job of trying to move past the drama, I do think she did an important thing by addressing the comments people have made about her. As someone who has been open about her history with sexual assault, she is adamant that she will live her life how she wants to, whether people approve or not.

Unsurprisingly, the person who came out of this with the best take was none other than Bekah Martinez:

sharing private sexual conversations is fucked up.
manipulating the truth to gain…attention? pity? or whatever is also fucked up.
each person was fully aware of how their actions would affect the other person.

so in conclusion i ship caelynn+blake

— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) August 8, 2019

Yeah, basically Blake and Caelynn both did some messed up sh*t, which is not that surprising, and maybe they really do belong together. This season of Bachelor in Paradise is already iconic, so I can’t wait to see how the rest of this mess unfolds.

I’m usually not a big Bachelor watcher, but damn, Paradise is already bringing the heat this year. Obviously, you can read our full recaps for all of the drama that’s going down with Chris Harrison’s messy beach crew, but the nightmare that’s unfolded between Caelynn and Blake (and Kristina, and Tayshia, etc.) is worthy of its own analysis. After Tuesday night’s episode, Blake took to Instagram to share screenshots of his pre-Paradise texts with Caelynn, and it started a sh*t storm of epic proportions.

One would imagine the point of Blake sharing the texts would be to clear his name, but honestly, they just make the whole situation murkier. On the show, Caelynn is making Blake seem like the world’s biggest asshole, but the texts don’t make her look so great either. To make matters even more confusing, Blake then deleted the screenshots from his story, saying that he “never wanted Caelynn to get attacked like this.” Sorry buddy, but it’s a little too late, because we obviously have all the screenshots saved.

In the first set of three screenshots, which Blake captions “Stagecoach,” we see him and Caelynn in a back-and-forth that might be flirting, but really comes across as more creepy on Caelynn’s part. She says she’s coming over, and he protests over and over again as she tells him to “chill” and “loosen up.” She then says she ordered an Uber, which is seriously questionable to me. Like, if I told someone multiple times not to come over and they said they ordered an Uber, I would immediately take out a restraining order, and probably move out of the country.

In the second screenshot, we can see that Blake has cropped out the majority of a photo, and that really weakens his case here. When someone posts text screenshots as proof of something, there’s always a chance that they’ve added or removed things to shape the narrative, so Blake should’ve just left the entire photo so we wouldn’t be left wondering what he’s leaving out.

In the second chunk of texts, Caelynn says something weird about sleeping in the shower, and then continues to taunt Blake when he says that they can cuddle but not have sex. Even if she was joking around with him, it’s not a great look. Think about it this way: if it was a woman telling a man that she wouldn’t have sex with him, and his response was “Yes sex. Only sex,” I don’t think we’d be having a discussion about who’s right and who’s wrong.

But then, Blake flips it around and says something gross about how Caelynn acts when she starts drinking. I think he might be saying that after she drinks she’s going to want to cuddle, but it’s all very confusing at this point. I have a feeling they’d both already been drinking, and no one said these two were the smartest people in the world to begin with.

I totally understand if Caelynn just wanted to have sex with Blake (me too before this week), but these texts make her seem thirsty at best, and verging on problematic/predatory. We’ll never really know exactly what went down between all of the Paradise people at Stagecoach, but these texts don’t really do anything to clarify the situation, for better or worse. All we really know is that it was messy, which isn’t new information.

The most interesting portion of the texts, in my opinion, are the ones that Blake labels “1 week before paradise.” In these manic conversations, Blake and Caelynn are both up in arms about how to deal with their past relationship, as it pertains to Paradise. It’s unclear what was the inciting incident for these texts, but obviously something happened that really freaked both Blake and Caelynn out. It seems most likely that someone found out about their relationship from a third party, and they were afraid that their trips to Paradise would be affected if everyone found out.

I’m not really sure why they were so afraid of people finding out, because obviously messy AF ABC isn’t about to turn down the drama of two people with a contentious past. They live for this sh*t. Have you seen how they invited Clay and Angela to the beach? But perhaps there was something in their Paradise contracts about not telling anyone until they were on camera? It makes sense that production would want them to save the biggest drama for while the cameras were rolling, and if everyone on the beach already knew about Stagecoach, this week of Paradise would’ve basically just been JPJ throwing up.

The texts about Colton and Cassie start to bring things into the light a little bit more. It seems like Caelynn probably had previously told Cassie about hooking up with Blake, and so they were worried that she and/or Colton had spread the information to other people. Honestly, I totally wouldn’t put it past those two to totally narc on Caelynn, but they said they didn’t know what happened.

In that text where Blake talks about telling someone “so that she isn’t crazy mad when she is down there,” he’s probably referring to Hannah G, but more on that in a minute.

In the further texts, Caelynn and Blake are still going back and forth about what to do, I guess in terms of whether or not they should even go on the show? It seems like they both knew they didn’t want to tell anyone about their relationship, so I’m not sure what else they would be debating. On the show, Caelynn talks about how Blake said that hooking up with her was a mistake, and in these texts, he basically says just that. We might still be missing some context, but Caelynn wasn’t fully lying.

Really, it’s tough because we’ll never know what happened on that phone call, or any of the other times they talked on the phone. They were both clearly really nervous about this whole situation, but I think a lot of it actually comes back to Hannah G. In the last texts that Blake posted, Caelynn messages him to ask if he’s told her yet, presumably referring to their history.

Even though it weirdly hasn’t really been addressed on the show, everyone pretty much knew before the show that Hannah G and Blake were into each other. Caelynn did say that Hannah was one of the women Blake was DMing the morning after they hooked up at Stagecoach. Hannah and Caelynn are friends from Colton’s season, so it makes sense that Caelynn would be nervous about Hannah’s reaction to finding out. We don’t know the timeline of when Blake was talking to each of these women (probably all at the same time), but it was bound to get messy when they all found out.

We don’t even know if Blake and Caelynn ever told Hannah G before the show, but either way, things have obviously gone bad for him on the first few nights of Paradise. These texts are a lot to get through, but I think the biggest takeaway is that Caelynn has been very favorable to herself in how she’s characterized her relationship with Blake. From the texts, it seems unlikely that she really thought they were ever in an exclusive relationship, and he definitely wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to tell everyone about them.

There’s still a lot more Bachelor In Paradise to go, and I’m sure we’ll get a lot more drama between Blake and basically every woman there, but for now, he should probably refrain from posting more screenshots on Instagram. He might not be the only asshole in the situation, but that doesn’t mean he’s not still an asshole.

If you’re as ready for this messy af season of Bachelor in Paradise as we are, make sure to get your Betchelor Nation Tee from Shop Betches now.

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