Welcome back to another day in the nightmare that is 2020! Yesterday, I did my best to unpack the actual chances that Kanye West was being serious about running for President. Well, that was yesterday, and this is today. While Kanye still has deadlines and rules to deal with, in a new interview with Forbes, he made it clear that he wasn’t just joking with that tweet. F*ck.

Kanye told Forbes that he’ll make a final decision about running within the next 30 days, and shared his thoughts on many important issues. While some of his comments were actually coherent (he doesn’t support the death penalty!), most of what he said was low-key terrifying. Let’s go through the most concerning things he said in the interview, and why he’s still a nightmare of a Presidential candidate.

Political Parties

The most popular headline about Kanye’s interview is that he no longer supports Trump, which is technically true. But while he called Trump’s recent actions “one big mess,” that doesn’t actually mean much about his politics. He said he “would run as a Republican if Trump wasn’t there,” and that “Trump is the closest president we’ve had in years to allowing God to still be part of the conversation.”

Kanye criticized the idea that “all Black people need to be Democrat,” saying that this way of thinking is a form of a form of “white supremacy and white control.” Consequently, he said that his choice to wear the MAGA hat was “a protest to the segregation of votes in the Black community.” For those wondering, if he does run for President, he’ll run as an independent, but will call it the Birthday party, “because when we win, it’s everybody’s birthday.” Yes, really.

I think I can guess where he got the inspiration for that one:

Voting

If Kanye sounds a bit… new to politics, it might have something to do with the fact that he has never voted. In fact, he told Forbes that he registered to vote for the first time in his life this Monday. He said he never registered because he was “scared” of expressing his true political beliefs, and felt “threatened into being in one party.”

Vaccines

In one of the most troubling parts of the interview, Kanye questioned whether we should be seeking a vaccine for coronavirus, and cast doubt on vaccines in general. He said “so many of our children that are being vaccinated and paralyzed,” adding that we should be “extremely cautious” with a potential COVID vaccine. He called vaccines “the mark of the beast,” and claimed that “they want to put chips inside of us,” which will make it so that we “can’t cross the gates of heaven.” So Kanye is both an anti-vaxxer and a religious conspiracy theorist. Great.

For reference, the CDC states that “Data show that the current U.S. vaccine supply is the safest in history,” and maintains that “the benefits of vaccines far outweigh the risks.”

Abortion

Kanye told Forbes “I am pro-life because I’m following the word of the bible.” In case you hadn’t noticed, we’ve entered the religion portion of the interview.

Planned Parenthood

Given his stance on abortion, it’s unsurprising that Kanye isn’t a big fan of Planned Parenthood. Specifically, he said “Planned Parenthoods have been placed inside cities by white supremacists to do the Devil’s work.” Kanye may be referring to Margaret Sanger, an early reproductive rights activist and the first President of Planned Parenthood, who has been criticized for her support of eugenics. However, in recent years Planned Parenthood has been open about Sanger’s problematic beliefs, explaining that her history is “layered and complex.” The current CEO of Planned Parenthood, Alexis McGill Johnson, is a Black woman.

Religion In Schools

Kanye is unsurprisingly a supporter of bringing prayer into our schools. He believes that by reinstating “the fear and love of God in all schools and organizations,” we can “chill the fear and love of everything else.” He calls the removal of prayer in schools a “plan by the Devil to have our kids committing suicide at an all-time high.”

Foreign Policy

When asked about his plan for foreign policy, Kanye said, “I haven’t developed it yet. I’m focused on protecting America, first, with our great military. Let’s focus on ourselves first.” Where have I heard the phrase “America first” before…? Oh, right: nowhere good.

Policy In General

Actually, Kanye isn’t that into the idea of policy at all. He told Forbes, “I don’t know if I would use the word policy for the way I would approach things. I don’t have a policy when I went to Nike and designed Yeezy and went to Louis and designed a Louis Vuitton at the same time. It wasn’t a policy, it was a design.” Great, can’t wait to see how he runs the country the same way he would design a pair of sneakers. It’s gonna be fine!

Wakanda

Don’t worry, Kanye might not like policy, but he still has a plan for how his government will work. Here’s his plan, inspired by Black Panther, because why not: “I’m gonna use the framework of Wakanda right now because it’s the best explanation of what our design group is going to feel like in the White House… That is a positive idea: you got Kanye West, one of the most powerful humans—I’m not saying the most because you got a lot of alien level superpowers and it’s only collectively that we can set it free.” Again, it’s gonna be fiiiiiine.

So, Kanye hasn’t decided for sure if he’s running or not, but at least now we have an idea of just how terrifying his ideas actually are. But the thing is, reading through all these quotes, I can totally imagine lots of people falling for it. We are so f*cked.

Images: Rich Fury/Getty Images for Coachella

January is my birthday month, so to fellow Capricorns, hello, you are the best. But really, we’re like the only sign whose “flaws” are actually compliments, ie too focused, too ambitious, too pretty, etc. Geminis are like, oh you’re two-faced and you’re also batsh*t crazy. Anyway. Being in my birthday month means I have to figure out something to do for my birthday that does not suck. I didn’t even bother last year because I was so over it. First of all, you never have any idea how many people are coming. All my friends are coupled off like Noah’s f*cking Ark. If you invite your friends, you also have to invite their significant others–even the ones you don’t like. And then everyone brings random friends, roommates, etc. It’s like, I’m going to have 5 people or 40, not sure which. Instead of having a horrible dinner where you can’t get seated because your “entire party isn’t here” (even though I explained that my friends are flakes to the hostess no less than 11 times) and people lying about their part of the check, or a house party where you’re cramming 5-40 people in your studio apartment, here are some way better ideas so you can actually enjoy your birthday.

Dive Bar

Find a cool, laid-back bar that has food, a ton of space, and cheap drinks. You don’t have to reserve a table and you can just hang out all night. Tell your friends, hey, I’ll be here from 8PM, show up whenever. If they want to eat, they can get it themselves ordering at the bar and put it on their own tab. No one will kick you out, you don’t have to worry about everyone sitting down, and all of your friends can get in even if they arrive late because there isn’t ever a line at the door. They may even have live music. It’s the closest to having a party in your own house, except you get to leave whenever you want, and someone else has to clean up afterwards.

Wine Tasting Tour

I wanted to do a tour at a winery in Malibu for my birthday, but then it kind of burnt down (awkward). A wine tour is fun because if people don’t show up on time, you just leave them, so it’s really not your problem. It’s also usually kind of expensive, so you’ll weed out those people that you felt obligated to invite but don’t actually want to hang out with. There are so many different options, like the one in Malibu is actually a safari with animals (who thankfully are all okay post-fire, btw) AND drinking. It’s the dream! Think of it as a more exciting way to do a drunk brunch and also, everyone prepays so the check is not your problem at the end of the day.

Beach/Pool

I’m a huge fan of “I’ll be here, come if you want” types of events, mostly because I hate waiting for people. Having a party at the beach or a pool is soooo easy and casual, just bring some food and alcohol and tell your guests to BYOB as well. You can spend the day laying out, talking sh*t, drinking excessively, and swimming with no cares about reservations or your house being destroyed. As a January baby, I rarely ever even get this as an option (I mean, I live in LA, so sometimes it’s warm enough), but hey, with global warming it’s probably something to look forward to.

Venue/Private Room

If you really want to call the shots, consider renting out a private room in a bar or even an entire venue for your birthday. You can pick the music, the drinks, how many people come, and no one can complain about late arrivals. You just stand around looking amazing having the best time, and your friends can come and go as they please. The only true downside is this is expensive. Consider teaming up with a friend whose birthday is near yours and doing a joint party to cut down costs, a la Stassi and Ariana. This is really the best way to do a birthday party IMO, but I cannot f*cking afford it. If only I “worked” at Sur.

Trip

Another way to weed out those people you don’t really want to see is to plan a birthday trip. Susan you sit next to at work won’t be offended you didn’t invite her to a trip with your besties to Vegas because, duh, she has 11 kids and could not possibly swing that. It’s the perfect way to cut down up your party list. Even better, book your hotel room with your boyfriend or bestie, and then just tell everyone else, hey, here’s where we’re staying, book your own room if you want to come. Don’t try to split a house unless you want it to be like the dinner check scenario but times a million. But hopefully it’s just your closest friends who you know will pay up ASAP, and aren’t terrible anyway.

Tell me in the comments some of your favorite past birthday ideas!

Images: Giphy (2)

Dear Betch,

I follow this site religiously, and while I know party planning is not a commonly discussed topic, I know the Betches are always the life of the party so I decided to ask for advice anyway. I am planning a classy luncheon at a cute, Pinterest-worthy bakery for my birthday. I’ve booked the venue for two hours, and the only food served will be tea sandwiches and the cake. I’m worried within the two hours my guests will run out of things to talk about, so i’ve been trying to find little games or activities to include but so far i’ve come up with nothing. I did decide to buy little disposable Polaroid cameras for the guests to use, but that will only last so long. What I’m asking is, what are some fun but not cheesy activities you would recommend for an afternoon luncheon?

Sincerely,

Hostess with The Mostess

Dear Hostess,

Jazz snaps all around for planning your own birthday party—I’ll assume you’re turning either 23 or 36. Although most of us would’ve been fine with taking shots over stuffing our faces with cake (i.e. CARBS) I’m sure your Pinterest tea party will be adorable.

I’m also assuming you aren’t serving alcohol, otherwise there’d be literally no way your guests (who I assume are betchy) would run out of things to talk about. SO, my task has become: How to keep boring sober betches entertained for 2 hours without them turning to eating cake and gaining three pounds. You girls keep me young.

Here are some fun activities to keep you all busy at the tea party you’re too old for:

1. Bring Cards Against Humanity Or A Similar Game

It’s literally always hilarious and may go nicely at a tea party. You could get kicked out of your Insta-worthy bakery, but at least you’ll remember hilarious responses forever. “What is George W. Bush thinking about right now?” “A really cool hat” will stick with me until I die.

2. A La Jenga, Bring A Box Of Sugar Cubes

Let guests stack them. It’s adorable and the fattest girl can eat all the sugar at the end.

3. Tea Taste Game

Purchase a few different brews of tea like black, Darjeeling, Earl Grey, etc. and put them in different pots. Have everyone taste and write their guesses as to what kind it could be. Winner gets to either take home the rest of the birthday cake or wins a cup of tea and a box of macarons on you.

4. Mad Libs Printables

You can print these from literally anywhere and I suggest getting a few and scattering them on tables. While they sip their tea, guests can jot in hilar responses and IT’LL BE SO DROLL. 

5. Charades

Yah, it’s lame, but they used to play it at literal Victorian tea parties so, at least it’s an accurate depiction of the 1900’s shindig.

The Weeknd turns 27 today, so last weekend he celebrated as any functioning adult would: a huge surprise party at Dave & Buster’s in Hollywood. Yeah, that happened. The same guy who sings about codeine and people being tied up spent his birthday eating shitty chicken fingers and trying to win enough tickets to buy a blender.

In attendance were The Weeknd’s rapper friends Big Sean and 2 Chainz, who we can honestly imagine being really fucking good at Dance Dance Revolution. Unfortunately, Selena Gomez was in New York for fashion week, so she couldn’t be there. But she made sure her presence was felt by picking up the $30,000 bill for the party on her credit card.

There’s a lot to unpack here. First, how the FUCK do you spend $30,000 in one night at Dave & Buster’s? That’s like, a full year’s salary for a shitty teaching job. Sure, Dave & Buster’s is fun for like, a camp counselor staff party, but it’s not that fun that you should be spending long enough to rack up a $30,000 tab. Seriously, WTF were you doing in there? If that 30K figure included the drug budget, then I could maybe see it. But even then, it’s a stretch.

Secondly, of course it was nice for Selena to pay for the party, but being at fashion week honestly seems like a very Bella Hadid excuse. Like sorry Selena Gomez, but what do you have going on at New York Fashion Week that’s soooo pressing you couldn’t catch a red-eye to LA for the night? She’s obviously not hurting for money. Then again, I would make up any bullshit excuse to not have to spend an evening at an arcade. So, I get it.

Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries Selena’s birthday is in July and we expect a whole Chuck E. Cheese to be rented out. Go big or go home, right?