Everyone with half a brain knows that when it comes to celebrating your friends’ birthdays, there’s a hierarchy. There are the people whose birthdays you actually remember without Facebook reminding you. There are the friends who you feel obliged to create an Instagram story filled with a slew of embarrassing photos of them. There are the friends who get an actual full-fledged Instagram post. And then, finally, there are the friends you actually buy shit for. These are the Regina Georges of friend birthdays. We’ve created a line of funny birthday gifts to buy for the friends who have dealt with enough of your hangovers and temper tantrums to deserve a dope gift. We also created this because it was Betches’ seventh birthday yesterday. I know, we’re like, so old. So like, just buy this stuff, throw a few vodka nips in the gift bag and call it a day. You’re welcome.
Nobody wants to read a long-ass caption about how lucky you feel to have met your best friend in your freshman dorm six years ago—they just want funny birthday gifts—so why don’t you write it all down in this card that you can then awkwardly watch her read IRL?
Not to brag, but we’re fucking geniuses and came up with a shot glass set that accurately captures the four kinds of moods people have towards taking shots. Like, just consider this the new Myers-Briggs test, or whatever. Forget horoscopes. Just carefully watch to see which shot glass your friends go for, and you’ll know literally everything about their lives and souls.
For the friend who’s actually like, really petty. Like, Kim Kardashian sending samples of her new fragrance to her enemies petty. Not like, your annoying friend sending you a Venmo request for a five minute Uber ride the next morning petty.
Are you even best friends if you don’t discuss the premise, and maybe even the opening credits, of your own TV show every time you get halfway through a bottle of rosé together? If you can’t relate, you should probably get funnier friends. However, if you can relate, just like, get this wine glass, because your funniest friends deserve funny birthday gifts.
Whether you actually believe in the sanctity of practicing a full birth month, or you’re trying to passively-aggressively give your friend a hint that she needs to chill TF out with the birthday plans, this card should get the message across pretty nicely.
Congratulations, Libra! It’s your birthday month, which means we’re taking a little time out of the day to celebrate all the things that make you, you—aka the arbitrary placement of the stars and planets as they correspond to the date and time of your birth. Make sure you take some time this month to do all of your favorite things, such as avoiding conflict at all costs, juggling multiple active group chats (how you do this I’ll never know), and taking 10 years to figure out what you’re going to order at brunch. Your sign is represented by the scales of justice, which is why you’re the go-to person for settling any disputes within your friend group. This can be exhausting (How many times can you tell Bestie #1 that it was kind of fucked up for her to hook up with Bestie #2’s ex, even if they were at Coachella?), but you low-key love the work. If you’re on the market for a b-day hookup (Aren’t we all?), set your sights on a wealthy 6 ft-or-above bro born under the signs of Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius. Be sure to avoid fuckboys from Cancer and Capricorn like the fucking plague. Or don’t. It’s your birthday month. You’re allowed to
fuck make mistakes.
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