Welcome to Taurus season, my friends. Not sure what that means? Allow me to explain. You know that one friend you have who is a stubborn piece of shit and yet, no matter how hard you try to fight it, they’re always right? Yeah, that’s a Taurus. They’re as infuriating as they are useful, and you’ll be glad you have one at your disposal one of these days. So, for the next 30 or so days, Tauruses have full reign of the zodiac. Is this good? Is this bad? No one is really sure. What we do know is that shit will be extreme, because our best bud Taurus wouldn’t have it any other way. Happy birthday season, my little bulls. Long may you reign (until you pass out in a pile of your own empty wine bottles). Enjoy your special Taurus horoscope, made just for you.
So Taurus, this is your time. We know you may be used to stepping back and playing the equalizer, but for the next month you get to be front row center. This will seem like a lot of responsibility, but we promise you’ll grow into it in no time.
Your more egocentric friends (*cough* Aquarius/Gemini *cough*) may try and steal the spotlight in the name of celebrating you, but don’t let them get away with it. These next four weeks are all about you, and everyone within a 20 mile radius should know it. Make sure that anyone who tries to interfere is immediately reminded that it’s your goddamn time to shine for once. Yeah, we’ll say it. If they mess with the bull, they’re going to get the goddamn horns. In this case, the horns are covered in glitter, but it still stands.
You’ve been on the grind for longer than you can remember, Taurus. Your drive is admirable, even frightening at times, but guess what? It’s time to chill the fuck out. You’ve been given a few weeks’ reprieve to step back and asses your situation. If you’re happy, hang out and appreciate the break. If you’re not, now is the perfect time to deal with it. Whatever you need to do to feel fulfilled in your career, take this time to do it.
Listen, Taurus. We respect your insistence on not settling down. Your friends may have veered toward the path of couples’ spa days and double dating, but not you. You’re a free spirit who has no qualms about their relationship status, and there’s no reason to change that now. Let these next few weeks serve as a dating smorgasbord. Talk to whoever. Kiss who you like. Go home with people you don’t know. All that matters is that you’re getting out there and having the time of your life. Tell your boring coupled friends that you’ll have to skip Scrabble night. You’ve got strangers to make out with.
This may be a sore subject, Taurus, but it’s time to reassess your saving regimen. Don’t have a regimen? Exactly, time to start one. Quick reminder that our paper government could crumble any day now, and short of keeping bricks of gold under your bed, you’re probably not prepared. Try tucking away a few dollars each month and see where it gets you. Anything will be useful when Russia invades and suddenly you have to start paying $45 for a shitty bottle of wine.
What to Look Out For
You know how bugs are attracted to bright lights? Yeah, so are shitty people from your past. Be ready for old flames/friends/enemies to make an appearance this month while you’re busy living your best life. The good news is, they’ll see you thriving and better than ever. The bad news? You’ll probably have to speak to them. Make sure you’re looking good at all times, because you’ll never know when an adversary will strike. The best revenge is acting like you’re having the best possible time, no matter how hungover you are. Godspeed, Taurus. We know you can do it.
Images: Giphy (3)