What A Cosmetic Gynecologist Wants You To Know About Your Vag After Childbirth

It’s no secret that pregnancy causes changes to the body (and if it is a secret, glad you’re here, and get ready for some eye-opening truths). Many moms worry about whether or not their figure will #snapback to their pre-baby shape. Typically, OB-GYNs advise new moms to wait six weeks before any moderate exercise. But, what about the vagina? After that six-week-wait, will it, too, snap back to pre-baby vigor and beauty after giving birth?

Golden Girl Betty White once joked: “If you want to be real tough, you should grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” That’s particularly true of the V during a vaginal delivery, during which it accordions to give way to a bowling ball bouncing baby.

But even the tough-as-nails vagina has its breaking point. For instance, the 3- to 4-inch long organ can, on the outside, suffer vaginal tears during labor. And, unbeknownst to new moms, problems can arise weeks after delivery day. 

“It’s not even about the tear ,” says Dr. Amir Marashi, an OB-GYN, cosmetic gynecologist, and author of A Woman’s Right to Pleasure. “A lot of people get scared like, ‘Oh my god! I got, like, a first-degree tear.'”

“Of course, it’s worse when you get a third or fourth-degree tear,” but muscles that comprise the pelvic floor, he says, are an even bigger concern. Before specializing in cosmetic gynecology, Marashi says he delivered lots of babies and often saw how unkind childbirth could be on the vagina. Because of that, he would take extra time and care to stitch women up post-delivery. His colleagues dubbed him “Vagilangelo,” and “The Vagina Whisperer.” 

“The muscle around the vagina, the most important part, is sitting between the vagina and rectum, and another part is sitting between the vagina and bladder,” says Marashi. “So, in a normal vagina, before having kids, these muscles separate the rectum from the vagina and separate the bladder from the vagina. Now, imagine you’re in labor for two to three hours. At the end of the labor, your baby’s head is literally sitting inside the vagina, stretching all these muscles.”

Will It Snap Back?

“What happens when you stretch a rubber band and let go? It goes back to normal. But imagine for five hours, you’re holding this rubber band, stretched. When you let go, it never goes back to the normal shape,” says Marashi. “Now, as your rubber band gets older, you’ll see little cracks on it, too. The same thing happens to us and the vagina.” Actually, it’s kind of like Mick Jagger’s face. The moves are still there—just with a little extra skin flapping in the wind.

“As you get older, you lose collagen and the muscle that stretched and the microtears—even if you don’t get the tear—there are microtears inside this muscle.” The loss of tone and strength can be moderate and subtle for some women, says Marashi. In others, having one or multiple children can have a life-altering ripple effect.

How Will It Look?

Pre-baby, your lady parts may look like a cute little smooch. But afterwards, you might be looking more like an influencer who’s gone without their lip injections for too long. That’s normal, so don’t freak out. The exterior vagina can take on a different size and shape postpartum, too. “Patients tell me that the outside looks not as pleasing as it was before because it’s stretched out.” The vaginal opening can be wider, and the labia minora (or the tinier lips) can be elongated, while the labia majora, the fattier outer lips, can wrinkle. Marashi and other cosmetic OB-GYNs specialize in doing a face-lift of sorts down there, but more on that later. But in extreme cases, women can be diagnosed with cystocele, or the bladder’s prolapse into the vaginal canal, or rectocele, the bulging of the rectum into the vagina. Either prolapse can be so severe that the resulting bulge can hang outside of the vaginal opening. In that case, Marashi says he will perform a pelvic floor reconstruction to put the goods back in place.

How Could Your Sex Life Be Impacted?

Many of Marashi’s patients are mamas who complain their lady parts are looser postpartum, and that sex with their partners doesn’t bring them to orgasm. (While there can be many causes for lack of sex drive, if you’d rather do a crossword puzzle, or it’s been a while since you’ve done the deed with your partner, you might want to get that checked out.)

As the pelvic wall thins, the perineum—or the area between the vaginal opening and the anus—becomes shorter. The vagina, which naturally slopes downward, now flattens and becomes like throwing a hotdog down a hallway tunnel-like. “Now, the entrance of the vagina is lower,” says Marashi. In vagninal sex, an erect penis rubs against the nerve-ending rich top wall, home of the elusive G-spot.

But in a vagina that has lost its tone, getting it on can be a bore, no matter what type of sex you’re having. When that happens, “you don’t feel sex and internal orgasms as much as you used to feel it,” says Marashi. “ still tell me that the clitoris gets stimulated, but sometimes, after two or three kids, that they don’t feel anything. There’s not as much friction.”

To Fix?…

Marashi says he has three popular procedures mamas can choose from to get their mojo back and look like a blossoming Georgia O’Keeffe painting. His most popular request, he says, is a vaginoplasty, a veritable face-lift for the lady garden. The hourlong surgery, which carries a $7,000 price tag, is the most invasive of the three and involves deep muscular cutting and stitching. Patients can’t have sex for six weeks afterward while the surgery site heals. There’s also a $3,500 outpatient procedure he calls the Vagilangelo, which involves a few sutures and the injection of platelet-rich plasma, or PRP, directly into the vaginal tissue. There is also less invasive and nonsurgical laser resurfacing ($1,000 per session). For moms who lost volume in their labia majora, Marashi says he can inject a patient’s own fat—often while joining fellow plastic surgeons on a mommy makeover procedure—into the area to plump it back up. 

…Or Not To Fix

If a woman’s postpartum vagina looks and feels different, it doesn’t necessarily warrant a trip to an OB-GYN—unless, of course, the changes interfere with her quality of life. “Your vagina will look different, anatomically, no question about it, but it’s not wrong for the vagina to be looser,” says Marashi. A woman’s sex partner should also be supportive of the change, but if that comes with difficulty, there’s sex therapy, trying different positions, and sex toys to bring back the spice. And for those moms who want things tighter but don’t want to go under the knife, Marashi has a simple prescription: Kegels, and lots of them. “I actually want to start while pregnant and continue. I tell them 20 times, three to four sets. If you can hold a kegel for seven to 10 seconds, that’s really good,” says Marashi. “But I don’t really care how long they can hold it. With time, it’s going to get better.”

Images: Ava SolUnsplash

Kate Middleton Swore By HypnoBirthing: WTF Is It, & Is It As Crazy As It Sounds?

As long as people with uteruses have been giving birth, we’ve been trying to think of ways to make the entire process less hellish (thanks a f*cking lot, Eve). From water births to surrounding yourself with a bunch of crystals to just taking a f*ckton of drugs and hoping for the best, there are always new methods cropping up to try to, ahem, improve the birthing experience. And to be clear, no judgment on any method. Like, if someone had invented a way that allowed me to painlessly give birth by meditating in a pool and surrounding myself with dolphins, I would have been all ears. (Undergoing a C-section was definitely not that.) And while, to my knowledge, dolphins have not yet been integrated into the labor process, there is an approach to childbirth that’s been gaining traction that incorporates relaxation and meditation techniques, called Hypnobirthing. You may have heard of Hypnobirthing from Kate Middleton, who recently revealed that she had practiced it during her labors with Prince George, Princess Charlotte, and Prince Louis. So I decided to look into wtf Hypnobirthing is, and if it’s really as woo-woo as it sounds. Here’s what I found out.

WTF Is It

According to Healthline, Hypnobirthing “involves various relaxation and self-hypnosis techniques to help relax the body before and during labor and birth.” So, basically, this sh*t is getting yourself into a near hypnotic state to use your super cool mind powers to “ignore” what’s happening and get through labor and delivery. “The idea is that when the body and mind are in a completely relaxed state, birth can happen more quickly and painlessly because the body doesn’t fight the natural process.”

How is that possible? Healthline explains how Hypnobirthing uses a combination of controlled breathing, positivity, and “guided visualization” to keep your body from becoming tense. Like, instead of referring to the agonizing tightening and widening of your cervix as “contractions”, Hypnobirthing calls them “waves.” Instead of visualizing the horrible things happening to your downstairs area, you’ll be guided to visualize a lovely flower slowly opening. Awww, that’s so nice, you guys! Basically, it’s just a way to distract and train your mind to focus on the positive and natural part of labor instead of the frequently negative and painful aspects of it.

Hmmm. I know the mind is a powerful thing, but how much can you actually do to meditate through your vagina being ripped in half by an eight- to ten-pound watermelon? We’ll get into that in a sec. Personally, I had a C-section, and that sh*t was awesome because, well, I didn’t feel much of anything and wasn’t afraid of my pelvic floor being destroyed. Don’t get me wrong, it was still painful and terrible in its own way, but at least I didn’t have to visualize flowers.

How Does Hypnobirthing Work?

There are a few different methods for Hypnobirthing. The Mongan Method, founded by licensed hypnotherapist Marie Mongan, is considered the OG and involves a few classes beforehand to get you ready for the big day. On the Hypnobirthing official website, Mongan explains how these classes teach mothers-to-be to reprogram their brain and their approach to giving birth. She believes that because we have been convinced that labor is painful and scary, we become more nervous and subsequently tenser during labor, which in turn does make it more physically painful. Instead, The Mongan Method encourages/hynoptizes moms into thinking birth is painless and easy.
The Mongan Method describes how it works on its website: “Through a very simple program of self-hypnosis and education, healthy, low-risk women…learn to dismiss fear-based stories, misinformation, and birthing myths; and they are helped to see birth as normal.” Mongan adds, “They learn to trust that their bodies know how to bring their babies into the world in the calm and gentle way that Nature intended.” The Mongan Method leans on the belief that if your body is relaxed enough, you don’t have to experience severe pain, and if you don’t think it will hurt, then it won’t hurt.  I’ll keep that in mind the next time I step on a Lego.

The second method is called Hypnobabies, and also requires about six weeks of classes prior to birth. From what I can tell off their website, Hypnobabies basically uses hypnosis as a natural anesthetic during birth, and the classes leading up to the big day are designed to help the mother allow herself to become hypnotized quickly and easily by the time she is in labor. Hypnobabies delves deeper into sleepwalking hypnosis techniques and verbal repetition. So, a mom-to-be may come in with a list of phrases meant to put her in a relaxed, hypnotic state before she starts pushing. It seems like the biggest difference with Hypnobabies and The Mongan Method is that the latter involves hypnotizing yourself to change your mindset as you approach labor and deliver, while the former is hypnotizing yourself during labor and delivery so that you can’t feel the pain.

Even more interestingly, you can have a hypnotherapist in the room with you to guide your breathing, meditation, and thought process, and who will help hypnotize you during your birth. All I can picture is a wacky hypnotherapist being like “AND WHEN I SNAP MY FINGERS, YOU’LL WHIP OFF YOUR BRA ANY TIME I SAY ‘ASPARAGUS’!”

I’m also very childish. We all have our faults.

Is This Sh*t Safe?

Overall, using a method like Hypnobirthing isn’t going to hurt you or your baby. You’re learning to Polly Positive your way through the labor and delivery process with things like daydreaming and breathing techniques. My biggest issue with it is that breathing and positive thoughts aren’t going to help if your baby is breech or there are complications. Like, daydreaming your way through labor isn’t going to stop third-degree tearing or an umbilical cord snapping back inside your cooch (yes, that can happen).

So, yes, go ahead and practice your meditative breathing, but keep in mind that some things—like labor and delivery—can never be fully planned out. Not everything will go exactly the way you want or expect, more than likely, so it’s best to just go with the flow and, in the end, listen to your doctors and medical professionals.

Ok, But Does It Work?

Hypnobirthing sounds great and all, especially if your delivery is going (relatively) smoothly, but does Hypnobirthing really make things any less painful? A comprehensive 2011 study conducted by psychotherapist Alison S. Landolt and psychology professor Leonard S. Milling that appeared in the scientific journal Clinical Psychology Review concluded that “Hetero-hypnosis and self-hypnosis were consistently shown to be more effective than standard medical care, supportive counseling, and childbirth education classes in reducing pain.” So the answer is, essentially, yes.

Hypnobirthing’s popularity obviously skyrocketed after Kate Middleton said on the Happy Mum, Happy Baby podcast that she “really quite liked labor.” How very royal of you, Kate. She said she “realized the power of the mind over the body” during her severe bouts of morning sickness, and wanted to try Hypnobirthing during labor as well. “It was really quite powerful,” she said of the experience.

But the Duchess of Cambridge is not the first celebrity to recommend Hypnobirthing. In 2011, Jessica Alba told Ellen Degeneres in an interview on her show that she planned to use Hypnobirthing for her second child, and had also used it for her first. She insisted it wasn’t as crazy as the name suggested it was, saying it’s “just concentrating on breathing and staying relaxed because it’s when you get tense that makes the whole labor worse and more painful. That’s all it is. It’s not like a weird thing.” Nope. Not weird at all.

In an interview on the blog Made for Mums, Miriam Greaves, founder of Parent Tribes (another hypnobirthing course) does acknowledge that if you’re seriously skeptical of Hypnobirthing, then it probably won’t work because your brain won’t allow it to, just like regular hypnosis. But if you’re willing to do the classes and commit to the techniques (and if you manage to remember them while you’re undergoing the craziest experience of your life), then it might actually help relieve your pain and make labor and delivery smoother. So, as strange as it initially sounds, it certainly couldn’t hurt to try it.

Images: freestocks / Unsplash ; Giphy (3)

5 Things I Wish I Knew Before My C-Section

There are a lot of *feelings* regarding how people have kids these days. Whether you have a natural birth, get an epidural, birth your baby in a bathtub filled with healing crystals, or whatever the f*ck, someone in your life is going to have an opinion on it (solicited or, more often, not). Lucky for me and thanks to a wacky cervix, the decision for me to have a natural birth was off the table and a scheduled C-section was put down in the calendar instead. At first I was not exactly enthused, since major surgery isn’t usually something I actively seek out. However, I realized that being able to put the birth of my son in my planner (“7:30am – Have Baby”) instead of waking up in a puddle of my water breaking, figuring out what to do with my dog, calming my husband down, trying to pack a bag, and making a mad dash to the hospital was not so bad.

Of course, there are a few things I kind-of-definitely wish I’d known ahead of time just to feel a bit more prepared. I wouldn’t go back on my decision to have a C-section for, well, anything, but here are a few things I wish someone had told me, that you might want to know if you’re getting one too.

You May Be Strapped Down

You know in the movie Braveheart when the English are pulling out William Wallace’s insides and he’s all, “FREEEDOMMM”? That’s sort of how a Cesarean is, except you can’t feel anything. After your spinal is administered (more on this in a minute) and everything goes numb, your arms are actually strapped to the operating table to keep from any involuntary jerking while the doctors are, like, cutting you open, pulling a baby out, and sewing you up. Some hospitals bypass strapping you in, and I kind of wish mine had, but, nevertheless, prepare for that whole possibility.

The worst part of being strapped in? If and when your baby is placed on your chest fresh out of the oven, you can’t cuddle immediately. For me, my son was gasping a bit (what a drama queen, I’m so proud) so I chose to have the nurses and doctors take care of him before he came to me. I still got to see him when they held him up like Simba. I just didn’t hold him until I was sewn up and ready to be wheeled into recovery, which doesn’t match up with everything you’ve seen in movies about birth, where the mother immediately gets to hold her newborn and like, cries.

You’re Numb AF

I had no idea a human being could feel as numb as I did during and after my C-section. In fact, it took HOURS after the actual surgery for my spinal block to wear off, to the point where I couldn’t be moved for a while, couldn’t eat, and couldn’t leave the recovery room. Not being able to feel your toes for that long is kind of scary, tbh, but it’s more than likely a better alternative to feeling where you’ve just been cut open. You may also get the shakes, which is totally normal.

The Spinal Doesn’t Hurt

spinal tap

…but the local anesthesia f*cking does. If you know anything about a C-section, you’re probably aware that you’ll likely be lucid but numb from the chest down, thanks to a spinal block of some good drugs. However, if you’ve ever heard anything about spinals, it’s probably been on the negative side. To be fair, spinals used to require a big-ass needle to, uh, successfully poke between your vertebrae and deliver sweet, sweet numbness. These days, the needle is much smaller, so the spinal itself is not as horribly painful as it used to be.

However, you’ll be getting a local anesthetic to numb you up before the spinal actually is administered, and that, at least for me, hurt like 25 wasp stings at once. The whole scene played out as such: I sat on the edge of the operating table while the nurse held me sort of head to head—with her hands on my shoulders so I didn’t move or suddenly tense up. The local was administered into my spine, I cursed out a few people, and then the spinal was administered (and I never felt it). Then, everything from my boobs down went totally numb and the nurse and a few other medical personnel lifted my legs on to the table to get the show on the road. They even put some stylish socks on me.

The Aftermath Sucks

everything hurts and i'm dying

Gas pains in your shoulders, the worst massage of your life, and bleeding are all in store.

First up, the massage. As soon as you’re out of surgery, the nurse will “massage” your uterus to encourage it to start shrinking back to its regular size. This sounds nice but, I assure you, is not. In fact, if you asked me what was the worst pain through the whole C-section and everything that followed, I’d tell you it was the final uterine massage when my spinal had finally worn off. I almost punched the nurse in the face, and I definitely called her a few bad words. (Sorry, sis.)

Second, the gas you experience is unlike anything you’ve ever felt before in your life. Because you’ve been cut open and closed back up, there’s bound to be some air trapped inside of you, leading to some pretty horrible gas pains in your future—including in your shoulders (which, I’m told, is normal). Your nurses will continually ask if you’ve farted yet and, let me tell you, when you finally do start blowing it out, you’ll feel like throwing yourself a f*cking parade.

Lastly, you’ll also be treated to this baller mesh underwear (pro tip: steal as many pairs as possible) and some giant pads. Why? You’re still going to shed the baby condo (aka lining) that was inside your uterus. It’s like a really heavy period that lasts for weeks. So, enjoy that while dealing with a newborn, a fresh battle would, and some truly insane gas.

The Bathroom Becomes Terrifying

Four words I never thought I’d string together. I’ve heard that pooping after a natural birth is an ordeal since, ya know, you’ve physically pushed out an 8-10 pound human. Now, imagine how scary pooping is when you’ve been actually cut in half. From what I understand, you aren’t given the green light to leave the hospital after a C-section until you show number two who’s boss, so to speak. I successfully pooped, y’all, so my gold star was getting to go home with a baby without an instruction manual.

With a C-section, you’ll have a catheter put in right before they slice and dice you, since getting up is slightly problematic right after surgery. Within about 12 hours though (at least for me), the nurse will pop in, take out the catheter, and tell you to try to pee. It took me four hours and three tries to pee, you guys. Your muscles are f*cked up, things have been physically moved around, and your body needs a moment, okay? Same goes for pooping, which can be a bit easier thanks to stool softeners. But beware the constipation that comes with the strong painkillers you’ll be sent home with.

If you end up having to have a C-section, lean in. It’s okay and isn’t as scary as people (even me) make it seem. Just be prepared for some pain. But like, what part of giving birth is pain-free?

Images: Camylla Battani / Unsplash; Giphy (3)

10 Pregnancy & Labor Terms You Should Know, Defined

Once you hit your mid-20s, you reach that stage in life where everyone you know is getting engaged. (And if you think that won’t happen to you, just wait.) As elementary school wisdom tells us, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. Now, many of us are at the point when our friends have made the conscious decision to ruin enrich their lives by having a baby. Mazel. Naturally, you’re still friends with these people and want to like, hang out until the baby comes and drastically changes the dynamic, but you may be getting kind of lost with all these new terms your bestie is throwing out about her pregnancy, delivery, and beyond. Because nobody likes looking pregnancy terms up in the dictionary while at brunch, here’s an easy guide of some of the most common terms your pregnant friends may be throwing around. Study it so you don’t have to ask and feel like the stupid friend.

1. C-Section

This might seem like a beginner term, but you never know with the state of the American education system these days. C-section is short for caesarean section, and is when an incision is made in the woman’s abdomen and the baby is removed through said incision. Benefits include not ripping your platinum vagine in half. Cons include being actually literally cut in half, sort of. C-sections are relatively safe and uncomplicated, but they do take longer to recover from than a vaginal birth. So don’t listen to anyone who tries to say this is the easy way out! None of this sh*t is easy.

2. Doula

Doulas are basically like your advocate in the delivery room. Think of a doula as your bff. They can help with non-medical techniques like keeping breathing on track, giving you a massage, or tell you you’re doing amazing, sweetie. The most important thing here, though, is that a doula is not necessarily a medically certified professional. There are exceptions, but according to Healthline, doulas in most states do not require any kind of certification. They can help make the delivery process go smoothly, but typically do not offer medical assistance.

3. Midwife

A midwife is a trained medical professional who may be a registered nurse, has specific medical training for the role, and/or went to midwifery school. According to Healthline, midwives can do a lot of the same things as doctors, including performing gyno exams, providing prenatal care, giving you pain meds, giving you labor-inducing drugs, assist c-sections (see #1), do the entire delivery, monitoring the baby, ordering an epidural, delivering the baby, and more, but laws and regulations governing midwife practices vary by state, according to midwife.org.

4. Preeclampsia

This scary word should ring a bell for those of you that follow the exploits of the Kardashians. I’m not going to f*ck up the medical term here, so let’s look to the Mayo Clinic for the official definition: “Preeclampsia is a pregnancy complication characterized by high blood pressure and signs of damage to another organ system, most often the liver and kidneys. Preeclampsia usually begins after 20 weeks of pregnancy in women whose blood pressure had been normal.”

Kim K dealt with preeclampsia and it’s likely a lot of the reason why she chose to go with a surrogate after her pregnancy with Saint. Preeclampsia seems like your run-of-the-mill high blood pressure, but it’s actually super serious and can result in kidney or liver failure (and even death) for the mother. So yeah, it’s not to be taken lightly.

5. Epidural

Without getting technical, an epidural is a magical drug shot into a woman’s spine during labor BEFORE she starts pushing that makes everything feel suuuuper chill. Which is great, considering the carnage that’s about to ensue (kidding but also not). If you want the real medical definition, an epidural is a “regional anesthesia that blocks pain in a particular region of the body,” according to the American Pregnancy Association. The whole idea of an epidural is to relieve pain, not for you to go 100% numb (although that would be fine with me personally). It blocks nerve impulses below a certain section in your spine, which basically means you can feel the lower half of your body, but not nearly as intensely.

Many women shy away from epidurals because the shot itself (again, into your spine) can come with risks and is, in its essence, a drug. But we’re not here to judge anyone’s choices. Some forego the epidural and go all natural. Personally, I’ll be here waiting for my epidural cocktail. Do you.

6. Postpartum

Postpartum refers to the time after birth. You’ve probably heard it in relation to postpartum depression, which is the depression that can descend upon some new moms after their baby makes his or her appearance. With more than three million cases of PPD in the United States per year, it is super common. While Mayo Clinic says many moms experience what’s called “post-baby blues” which can last up to two weeks, postpartum depression symptoms can develop within the first few weeks after giving birth, but can start as early as pregnancy and as late as a year after birth. If left untreated, it can lasts for months (or longer), so speak to your doctor if you’re concerned you’ve been exhibiting symptoms like depressed mood, severe mood swings, overwhelming fatigue or loss of energy, difficulty bonding with your baby, hopelessness, and more—check out a full list of PPD symptoms here.

7. Pitocin

Pitocin is a synthetic version of oxytocin, a hormone that helps your uterus know wtf it’s doing when labor time comes. Pitocin helps bring on (induce, another vocab word we’ll get to) active labor if it hasn’t started naturally. A lot of women shy away from pitocin and inducing labor because they feel that the risks outweigh the benefits. According to the Mayo Clinic, a collection of learned doctors (see: not bloggers), there can be issues of too many contractions too quickly, which can, in turn, lower the baby’s heart rate. There’s also a risk of more painful contractions, which sounds like it sucks. All in all, Pitocin gets an incredibly bad wrap, but, really, it’s just the synthetic form of something your body needs to go into labor anyway. Ask your doctor or midwife about it if you’re considering it, and stay off the internet if you’re concerned.

8. Ripening Cervix

Ughhh. So this is kind of the grossest one, so please bear with me. Basically, this just means that your cervix is soft and ready to go in terms of getting the baby out. Why the health world insists on using the word “ripening” is beyond me.

9. Dilated/Dilation

You’ll see on shows and movies with labor scenes some doctor or nurse saying “she’s only five centimeters dilated.” If you feel stupid not knowing what that means, it’s okay. There are no stupid questions here. Dilating just means that your cervix is slowly opening and expanding to help get that baby out. Doctors want to see you at 10 centimeters dilated before you start pushing. Yay.

10. Inducing Labor

Inducing means to make someone go into labor if her body isn’t doing it already, which might be necessary if the mother is more than two weeks late from her due date, she has gestational diabetes (diabetes that develops while you’re pregnant), or there are other medical conditions that require her to get that baby out, stat. Induction can be through administering drugs like Pitocin, through a doctor literally breaking your water (help), or manually ripening your cervix…Remind me why we put our bodies through this again?

Images: Tim Bish, Unsplash; Giphy (3)

The Worst Baby Names Of 2018 That Should Be A Crime

Naming another human being is a huge responsibility. From the second you sign that newborn’s name on its birth certificate, you are deciding their fate. So don’t f*ck it up. Have you ever met an attractive guy on Hinge named Clarence? Or a popular girl in high school named Dorian? I rest my case. Frankly, most names on Baby Center’s “Most Popular Baby Names of 2018” article (from which I based this article) are fairly normal, if overdone: Emma, Olivia, Liam, and Noah all made the cut. But I’ve compiled a list of the weirdest and worst baby names that somehow made it onto the list and left us all wondering, “who the f*ck let them name their kid that?”

Yeah, celebs are notorious for naming their kids obscure things, but even without a few million dollars to your name and a sex tape being verified on Instagram, you can still commit some heinous crimes against your child by giving them a name that will cause them to be mocked for their entire adolescence. Cut your future kid, and society as a whole, some slack and don’t name them any of these terrible baby names on this list.

Nora

I’m sorry, but if you didn’t just give birth to an 80-year-old woman who plays bridge and drinks lemon and hot water, you should not name your child this. WTF did that child do to deserve this name?

Aurora

Sleeping Beauty, is that you? To be honest, the only problem I have with this name is that it’s also the name of a Disney princess from 1959. If you want your daughter to get pricked by a spindle and lay lifeless until a man comes and rescues her, maybe you should invest in a copy of Chimamanda Adichie’s We Should All Be Feminist and reconsider starting a family just yet.

Nova

Nova means “A star that suddenly becomes thousands of times brighter then gradually fades to its original intensity.” So if you are saying your child peaked when they were born and will just go downhill from there, then go right ahead. It also refers to a type of smoked salmon, which is infinitely worse. But I suggest, instead of setting your kid up for failure, invest in some birth control and study this list of the worst baby names before having a child.

Niamey

Is this because your child was conceived in the capital of Niger? If you didn’t even know where Niamey is (like me, thanks Google), then scratch this name off your list pronto. This isn’t the same as naming your kid Paris after you and your bae got piss drunk on your last vacay and forgot a condom. But like, don’t do that either because that is also very cringeworthy.

Mason

Let’s be real, Mason is definitely not the worst name on this list. But I can’t help but think that the people naming their children Mason are either Kardashian superfans or hippies living out of their vans. You might as well just name your kid after your favorite vegetable while you’re at it (@gwenythpaltrow)—Mason Kale has a nice ring to it.

Sebastian

Sebastian the Crab. Some say he is the hero of The Little Mermaid, I say he’s annoying, but potayto, potahto. Like Nora, Sebastian is one of those names that I have trouble picturing as a baby but have no problem imagining in an old age home playing cards. Then again, babies and an old men are basically the same thing, since they both wear diapers and need lots of attention. So congrats on the birth of your octogenarian!

Sebastian the Crab

Jaxon

Why? Just why. This is why non-white people make fun of us. No list of the worst baby names of 2018 would be complete without a weird af spelling for what is otherwise a very typical name. You know what’s worse than naming your child an absurd name? Naming your child a normal name but spelling it like an asshole. Is the X really necessary? I hope you are happy with people spelling your child’s name wrong for the rest of their life, all thanks to you. Good luck sleeping at night.

Mateo

Mateo is the Spanish spelling of Matthew. So if you are Latino, then like, I can’t really be mad about the spelling of this one. But if you’re not a native Spanish speaker (I will also accept Italian), then, like the name Jaxon, your kid is going to deal with misspelled Starbucks cups his entire life. Just saying.

Images: Dakota Corbin / Unsplash; Giphy (3)