No matter how many times they’re photographed going to the grocery store or toting a Starbucks cup while looking dissheveled, celebrities are decidedly not just like us. And there are few times that it’s more evident that they have way, way more money than us than on holidays. While our parents were scouring every Toys ‘R’ Us in the nation in the foolish hopes of finding a Tickle Me Elmo that someone hid behind a shelf and forgot about, the Kardashians were out here getting their spawn playhouses that dwarf actual New York City apartments. And yes, I am aware that those two events did not take place in the same time period, or even the same decade, but no, I cannot think of a single toy in 2019 that’s caused a similar amount of widespread desperation. You understand the point I’m trying to make here!! But the next time your friend calls her kid spoiled because he didn’t even thank her for the Nintendo Switch he got for Christmas (there, that’s better), show her the video of Stormi Webster asking for a Birkin bag.
In a video so dark that seems like it’s out of a Black Mirror episode, Kylie Jenner is filmed carrying Stormi through her house, about to present her with her Christmas gift. She tells Stormi that she has a big surprise for her, and Stormi seems to reply, hopefully, “Birkin!”
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you, but Birkins are a type of Hermès bag that cost, at minimum, as much as a wedding, or the mortgage on a house. So hearing that Stormi wanted a purse that would probably cost more than my funeral set Twitter ablaze, with many commenting on how absolutely horrifying it is that a baby who can barely talk would be asking for a luxury bag. There are the obvious concerns, like what would she even do with it? And how obscenely wealthy is this family that Birkins are such a frequent topic of conversation that their baby has picked up on it?
I can’t stop thinking about Kylie Jenner telling her TWO YEAR OLD that she had a surprise for her and then that small child responding with “Birkin?” Literally haunted by it. Almost got in a car accident while thinking about it this morning. Birkin….
— ty (@sourbeerbabe) December 24, 2019
At first glance, it’s not hard to believe that the daughter of a billionaire would be, shall we say, spoiled? The girl got an entire music festival for her first birthday, which she won’t even remember, so what’s a Birkin? On top of that, Stormi already has a baby Birkin that she apparently “won’t let go” of. So it’s really not a stretch to assume that she would want another, or maybe even the full-size thing.
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Also, the Kardashians are not exactly known for being modest with their displays of wealth (which is fine, it’s their wealth to display!). Kylie took her friends on a bespoke pink-themed luxury vacation to celebrate her skin care launch, Kim probably spent more money on her Halloween costumes than most of us make in a year, and oh yeah, did I mention that Stormi’s first birthday party was basically a whole-ass music festival? The point I’m trying to make here is that any Kardashian/Jenner child is not, how shall we say, down-to-earth. Our fidget spinner is their Gucci belt, our Nintendo Switch is their Birkin.
But there may have been another, less bleak explanation for Stormi’s guess: as some
Jenner apologists users on Twitter pointed out, Stormi is obsessed with the movie Trolls (this tracks, considering Stormi’s actual gift was not a ridiculously valuable Hermès bag, and was actually a person dressed up in a giant Trolls mascot costume). The villains in the Trolls movies are called Bergens, so Stormi could have just been predicting that her present would have something to do with Trolls.
This seems like a pretty plausible theory, especially considering that when you watch the video, after Stormi says “Birkin” or “Bergen” excitedly, Kylie echoes, “she said the Bergens.” You don’t even have to listen that hard for it; Kylie translates for us and confirms that Stormi was talking about the Trolls characters. Some skeptics on Twitter still weren’t buying that, asking why a kid would want the villains from a movie, to which I say, quit overthinking it. Maybe Stormi can’t pronounce the word troll yet. Maybe she likes the Bergens. Maybe she identifies with them because she’s secretly a budding evil villain, who the f*ck cares?
Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to believe Stormi was asking for a Birkin for Christmas. Why? I don’t know, it kind of makes you feel better about yourself, right? Like, I may not have a billion dollars, but at least I have some f*cking class. If I were famous, I would keep my kids humble and not give them totally outrageous presents (only mildly ridiculous presents, like the new iPhone for my newborn baby). Who cares if that may not be true, because I’ll likely never get rich enough to figure out! So until proven otherwise, I can sit here on my throne of smugness and call out a baby for being born into extreme wealth and echoing the obscenely expensive products she’s heard the people around her talk about. It would have been so much fun. But alas, it was not meant to be. Stormi may have been born with a platinum, diamond-encrusted spoon in her mouth, but in this instance she might have just been a regular toddler, hoping to get a little something from her favorite kid’s movie for Christmas. In this instance, maybe celebrities are a little like us.
Images: Pierre Suu/GC Images; DailyMail; kyliejenner / Instagram
Ever since your dad said to you, “Hey sweetie, maybe instead of leaving out milk and cookies for Santa and leave him Cheeto’s and beer instead” and it suddenly dawned on you that the whole Santa thing doesn’t add up, Christmas became less and less exciting. Or maybe that was just my dad. In any case, by now, you’re probably using your birth control pills as an advent calendar, you literally only take advantage of Cyber Monday to buy stuff for yourself, and the only thing you’re looking forward to at family gatherings is the open bar. But one family we can always count on to never lose the Christmas spirit is the Kardashians. Let’s live vicariously through them as we check out some of their most over-the-top Khristmas moments.
Literally All Their Christmas Cards
Kardashian Christmas Card 2011 and School of Athens by Raphael pic.twitter.com/6z9yVr6Ukv
— LesYeuxHiboux (@TryScience) December 20, 2017
This might be the most ADORABLE Kardashian Christmas card yet: https://t.co/LYqvhBcEVU pic.twitter.com/m0geIpVtmC
— ELLE Magazine (US) (@ELLEmagazine) December 24, 2015
This family doesn’t have the capacity to feel shame, so it’s not shocking that they sent these out without feeling a modicum of embarrassment. But hey, at least there’s photographic evidence out there that Rob was actually hot at one point. It actually ruined my Christmas when I was told that there would be no Love Advent calendar or over-the-top Kardashian kard this year.
…And Scott Disick’s Hanukkah Card
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Okay, so not many of us remember this because we try to forget the era where Scott’s aesthetic was “Goldman Sach’s business analyst buys you a vodka soda and invites you back to his Upper East Side apartment that he nicknamed ‘The Ski Lodge’ because he does so much cocaine there.” Not that I’ve been ghosted by any of those guys before or anything (because them hitting me up for Adderall once in a while doesn’t totally mean I was ghosted). But I digress. Hanukkah and Christmas have their respective holiday customs, but one that they share in common? Family tension stemming from pent-up holiday stress and grudges that comes to a boil right around the holidays. And traditionally, this results in some salacious shade. I honestly think this Hanukkah card is way better than any Kardashian Christmas card, because unlike the Kardashian cards, he clearly isn’t taking it that seriously and it’s funny as f*ck.
Their Cringeworthy Christmas Special
How can we forget the Kardashian Christmas special from last year? First off, it was filmed in October, so it’s like the television equivalent of Starbucks serving pumpkin spice lattes in August. They had the kids making Christmas cookies with Travis Barker from Blink-182, of all people, and you can tell that even Penelope is like, “It’s way too early for this nonsense.” They also had that cringeworthy ~*~Christmas dinner~*~ scene that wasn’t even Christmas dinner. I honestly don’t remember what they were talking about because I was too captivated by the camera guys clearly trying to hide the fact that Kylie was not-so-secretly pregnant. And what was up with that final scene where they had an ice skating rink in their backyard and suddenly Nancy Kerrigan shows up? I kind of felt bad for Nancy at that point, because Tonya Harding was getting all the Academy Award glory, so clearly Nancy would have done anything to stay relevant at that point—even attending a Christmas special that, as Buddy the Elf would say, “sits on a throne of lies!”
Paris And Kim’s First Reunion At Their Christmas Party
Mending fences with your ex-bestie who said on the radio that your ass looks like cottage cheese in a garbage bag—isn’t that what the holidays are all about? From wearing cringeworthy clothes from Kitson to enduring the public fallout of their sex tapes, these two have been a lot together. Here’s a live look at my cold, dead heart when I saw these girls take a pic together at Kris’s annual holiday party for the ‘gram:
Kanye’s Horrifying Birkin Bag For Kim’s Christmas Gift
The Kardashians are so extra that Kim uses a Birkin as a diaper bag. I even read a while back that North West painted a Birkin bag and gave it to her mom as a present, and I honestly thought this was an Instagram of North’s creation. First off, shoutout to North for being aware enough to know that her mom would never wear a macaroni necklace or use an ashtray made out of her handprint. But as it turns out, this bag was Kanye that designed the bag all by himself—which makes sense because this honestly looks like the cover art for My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. I imagine that Kim’s gift to Kanye was Instagramming this literal monstrosity.
Images: Getty Images; TryScience, ElleMagazine / Twitter; betches, kimkardashian, parishilton / Instagram