Do you want to know what is the most cursed thing about Bachelor in Paradise? No, it’s not the lack of air conditioning, or even the fact that it’s ultimately just a show that asks us to watch people make out on daybeds for four hours each week. It’s that even when the season ends, we, as viewers, will never know peace. There is absolutely no closure. These cast members will continue to haunt us for the rest of our lives.
For a little context behind the brief existential journey you just followed me through: Pieper James would like us all to know that she and Brendan Morais are back together again. Although their hellish season is over, we’re still being forced to follow this whiplash-inducing journey. Yes, the season 7 power-villain couple who low-key admitted to dating before going on BiP (which, as a reminder, is still technically a show for single people to find relationships on, not for couples to use for fame) have somehow found a way to make it work. Maybe true love does exist. The duo briefly broke up last month, but on a recent episode of former Bachelorette Becca Kufrin’s Bachelor Happy Hour podcast, Pieper revealed that she and Brendan are giving it the old college try.
While it would probably be a stretch for me to say that I’m happy for Brendan and Pieper, I have to admit that their reconciliation does make a lot of sense. Two people who are looking for a relationship founded on Instagram analytics are probably made for each other anyway and not going to find a better fit swiping through Hinge. Sure, Raya would likely be a more effective platform for them to each find another fame-hungry partner to suit their needs, but I am unsure that they’d be approved for the app after the severe loss of followers they both suffered after America turned on them in support of Natasha Parker, the innocent woman Brendan briefly pursued to buy time until the producers let Pieper on the show.
During the podcast episode in which Pieper *checks notes* publicly shared the news of her relationship status, she noted that she and Brendan have some work to do before taking their relationship—which played out on one of the most popular reality television shows in the country—public. Before you go back and reread that sentence to see if it makes any more sense the second or third time around, I’m just going to save you a moment and let you know that no, it does not. Here’s a direct quote from Pieper that does not offer a shred of clarity:
“The reason that we didn’t choose to go public like everybody else on the show was just because… our experience was a little bit different. We tainted our own experience in that way,” she explained. “So, we’re kind of working on ourselves, and each other and we’re focusing on being a couple before taking that public.”
On the podcast, Pieper also noted that “it was a rumor that we broke up” and that the backlash they received from Bachelor Nation made them stronger. To which I reply:
I’m unsure what Brendan and Pieper would consider to be a more public recognition of their relationship than literally saying the words “we’re together” on a podcast that is available to stream on multiple apps, but the mess-seeker in me does, unfortunately, look forward to the day that we all find out. Will they unveil couple’s tattoos? Will they sneak away to a foreign country for a secret wedding, hoping to sell the exclusive to PEOPLE? Perhaps they’ll formally announce the news in partnership with a couple’s therapy app! Whatever these two have up their sleeves, I’m assuming it will be big. (On a midtier influencer level, anyway.) At the time of publication of this article, Brendan hasn’t made a single peep on Instagram since his September 16 “Paradise Apology” video. I do predict he will take the popstar route and archive all of his past posts before they “go public.” We might even get a teaser video, if we’re truly lucky.
Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin ; Giphy
For those of you who missed Monday night’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise, well then, you missed one helluva rose ceremony. I say “helluva” because I’m convinced this show is actually hell on Earth and my own personal Bad Place for that one time I wrote “call Ashley for a good time” on the bathroom stall in middle school. That’s the only reasonable excuse for ABC’s subjecting us all to watch Instagram’s version of Capitol people chug bottom shelf tequila for four hours in two days.
More evidence that blasted patch of sand might be haunted by some sort of demonic entity? Connor—ukulele-playing, paw licking, sh*t at tongue-kissing, Connor—somehow managed to pair up with certified smoke show Maurissa. If that’s not an indicator that some sort of biblical tragedy is about to befall us all, then I’m not sure what is.
But nothing gave off more of a sense of wrongness than watching Demi “I Made Bachelor Nation My Bitch” Burnett face romantic rejections she didn’t orchestrate herself for what must be the first time in her entire life. Have you ever seen a gazelle turn around and disembowel a lion? If you had, would it not conjure up images of the end of days? That’s what it felt like watching Demi get rejected by Brendan. And Connor. And Aaron. And every other guy on that damn island.
Demi came into Paradise with the same energy I bring to a “casual girl’s night” after showing up in my sluttiest Shein top, ready to get smacked off of half-priced bottles of wine. In other words, chaotic. She was ready to burn bridges and hair extensions and she didn’t care who knew it. But while she talked a big game, she only just narrowly escaped elimination after conning Jordan—sorry, James—into giving her a “friendship” rose. How cute.
I can’t wait to see what else Mike Fleiss the devil has planned for us tonight!
Fresh Meat
Speaking of, this week it’s ladies choice, which means new men and fresh meat are rolling into Paradise. I use the term “fresh meat” because watching the women prepare themselves for the incoming testosterone was like something out of a Scared Straight episode. I have never seen so much lip licking and chest puffing in my life.
The new host is the first to grace us with his presence. The contestants are called to attention at the gathering gazebo, where they stumble upon a boom box with a note that reads: “play me.” First of all, I think it’s cute that ABC thinks these barely-out-of-their-tweens contestants actually know what that relic from the past is, let alone how to play music on it. Perhaps Grocery Store Joe can shed some light on how we used to listen to music in the dark days before streaming services?
ABC:
THE CONTESTANTS:
“Bye, Bye, Bye” starts playing, and they all look a little too well-versed in the lyrics, if you know what I mean. Like, I’m sure these girls and boys have bought an *NSYNC T-shirt from Urban Outfitters’ “vintage” section, but I’m not at all convinced their knowledge of the band goes beyond that reference point. Only Kenny lights up like a kid on Christmas. I can’t wait for him to be over-served on margaritas and reminisce about the time he stuck his band manager business card down Lance Bass’ pants in ‘99.
That’s right, kids, Lance Bass is the new host for this week! The cast seems only mildly impressed by Lance’s frosted blue tips before turning their attentions back to whatever keto-friendly beverage they’re in the midst of guzzling.
Thomas also makes an appearance this week. That’s right: the Thomas. Mr. I’m Here For Likes Not Love, himself. And boy, did he make a splash. Almost immediately, the guys start acting like sociopathic cave men, hiding the women from a prehistoric predator. Aaron is like, “Thomas is manipulative but I’m confident none of the women will fall for his charm.” I’m sorry, but have you met women? That’s kind of our love language.
WHAT THE MEN ARE SAYING: He needs to be taught a lesson.
WHAT THE WOMEN ARE HEARING:
Thomas sets his sights on Serena P. and, honestly, I’m not convinced it’s a bad thing. I genuinely think Joe is way too old for Serena. The fact that he’s entertaining this whole thing at all is making me lose so much respect for him. I mean, MY GOD, my car is as old as their age gap—and I’ve had that thing since 2008! This is why I’m single, y’all. Men my own age are dating women born the same year I attended an *NSYNC concert at the Greensboro Coliseum.
More evidence that Serena is way too young for Joe: when asked why she decided to go on a date with Thomas, she acknowledged that she will probably see some red flags but—and I quote—“he’s super hot, so whatever.” You’re right. She does seem like wife material, Joey.
Thomas does little during their date to prove he’s not a giant POS. For starters, he wears shorts that hug every crevice of his penis and subtly thrusts his pelvis whenever a camera is near. Also probably not a good idea? Actively reading from your burn book instead of wooing the woman in front of you. Thomas attempts to explain the rumors that have plagued his journey on the franchise and, naturally, this blows up in his face. Honestly, if he had just stuck to flexing his abs and flashing those dimples instead of airing his dirty laundry, then maybe Serena wouldn’t have been so turned off by him. Play to your strengths, buddy, and character is not your strength.
Meanwhile, Joe is handling this about as well as I do reading the comments on my own articles. Not well, bitch! By the time Serena comes back from her date, I’m not convinced there will be anything left of Joe beyond a sweaty bandana and a mist of anxiousness and desperation clouding the air near the general vicinity of where he was standing.
In the end, Serena decides to skip the drama and stick with her old man. She got her hot make-out session on the beach, that’s really all Thomas was good for anyway.
Thomas’ Group Date
Poor Thomas. He thought he was going to be taking long, romantic walks on the beach with some newly humbled hot girls. Instead the only long, romantic walks he’s taking are with every man on this beach. Instead of focusing on, say, wooing the women around them and surviving the next rose ceremony, the guys have put all of their focus and energy on Thomas.
Is it just me or is the tension almost a little… sexual? Especially the vibes between Aaron and Thomas. Like, Aaron could give a sh*t what Tammy does all day, but if Thomas even breathes in someone else’s general vicinity he’s ready to throw hands. Look, I read a lot in the haters-to-lovers trope and I’m telling you right now that if you lock these boys in a room with a pitcher of margaritas, magic is bound to happen. Just sayin’…
AARON: *says literally anything about Thomas*
ME: Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!
It’s okay, boys! You know you want to.
Thomas realizes he needs to make amends with the guys if he ever wants to get his dick wet on this beach again. He apologizes, and the group begrudgingly accepts. This tenuous truce lasts about as long as it takes for Wells to mix a drink. Tahzjuan does not like how easily the boys resolved their issues. She would also like to see them kiss. It takes her all of five minutes to start stirring the pot again. She tells Tre that she heard from Serena P that Thomas said Tre was emotionally immature and needed to be protected. Christ, that was a doozy.
Tre confronts Thomas and tells him he knows what he said to Serena on their date and he’s DONE WITH HIM, OKAY. This is the last time he will ever be speaking to Thomas unless he blacks out at happy hour and drunk dials him to ask where it all went wrong. Again I say, the sexual tension on this beach is goddamn electric.
Mr. Steal Yo Girl
In the midst of the Thomas/Serena/Joe/Tre/Aaron drama, Riley and his biceps make their grand entrance into Paradise. For those of you who need a refresher (I know I did), Riley was the cute lawyer from Tayshia’s season. His entrance is punctuated by every woman within 20 feet of him becoming weak-kneed and wet at the sight of an attractive man with a stable job. Same, ladies. Same.
Riley’s arms are the main character #bachelorinparadise
— 𝐤𝐚𝐲𝐲𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐲 (@kayyorkcity) August 25, 2021
Riley scores a date card and asks Maurissa to accompany him. For the past two episodes, Maurissa has been attached at the face to Connor in a way that definitely doesn’t at all feel like a cry for help. So, like, I feel as if this will be good for her. By the way, Connor is feeling fine, absolutely great, excited even, for Maurissa to go on this date. Sure, Jan.
If there were any doubts in our mind that Connor shouldn’t, in fact, be shaking, it’s reinforced when Maurissa shows up for the date wearing what can only be described as leopard print floss. Damn, that woman is hot. I mean, jaws dropped at her entrance—mine included. Meanwhile, Connor is looking at her like he’s never seen that much exposed skin on a human woman in his life. Poor little buddy.
Even though there’s clear chemistry between Riley and Maurissa, ABC does their best to cock-block the couple. Happiness on this show? Never heard of her. They gift them with a romantic dinner out, but instead of food, they are served the contents of the Paradise villa’s pool filters.
MAURISSA: I’ve never been on a real date before!
THE DATE:
Oh, honey.
I’m not sure what Maurissa and Riley did in a past life to deserve this date, but unless they tried to bake Hansel and Gretel in an oven, they deserved better. Lance tells them that the game is simple: answer his questions or eat whatever monstrosities ABC’s most sociopathic intern was able to cook up with a hotplate.
The questions range from tame (“have you ever slid into a celebrity’s DMs?”) to gross and sexist (“how many people have you slept with?”). At first they seem to only be answering questions that make them look good, but then Maurissa gets bold by answering the “how many times a day do you masturbate question” with an overly enthusiastic “every day!”
*cue every married man in America turning terrified eyes to his wife, wondering if she does the same*
And the rest is history! Riley seems absolutely smitten. He heard “I’m deeply sexual” and was like “the hunt is over!” Though their sexual chemistry is palpable, they also connect on a deeper level. They both express wanting to settle down and have kids in the future. Maurissa talks about a time in her life when she experienced a large weight gain and the impact that had on her confidence and relationships. Riley tells her that her “soul lights up a room” and then proceeds to light the rest of her up in the boom boom room.
THE BOOM BOOM ROOM?! YOU GUYS. This isn’t the Shore House! Have some respect.
I will say ABC, deserves a goddamn Emmy for that camera work at the end of the episode. They sliced together scenes of Connor strumming along on his ukulele, reading song lyrics from his sad handwritten book, and paired it with Maurissa’s moans and flashes of Riley’s biceps.
You’re scum, ABC, but I love it. Until next time!
Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin; ABC (2); @kayyorkcity /Twitter (1); Giphy (3)
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Welcome back to the final week of Bachelor in Paradise! At least I’ve been praying it’s the last week, because MY GOD I can only take so many nights of my life being wasted on Blake’s sniffling before I do something truly crazy, like swear off The Bachelor franchise completely. Or at least only watching it on Hulu 12 hours after it airs so ABC doesn’t get to include my watching as part of its ratings. MWAHAHAHAHA.
Moving on. When last we left off, Dean had just returned to Paradise. After finding himself at the Grand Canyon (lol) he decided that he might, kind of, sort of, mayyybe be ready to be in a serious relationship with Caelynn. And by “serious,” I mean “is willing to shave his mustache for her today, but might grow it out and take off in his van for three weeks tomorrow, we’ll see.” So now Caelynn must choose between a guy who thinks shaving his facial hair equates with long-standing commitment and a guy who won’t be able to even grow facial hair until he hits puberty three years from now. WHO WILL SHE CHOOSE?!
I love that Dean never says he’ll be fully committed, just that he’d try it out. You know, at least until his van gets fixed anyway. Caelynn spends all of 90 seconds contemplating her decision before bounding off to go roast Connor’s heart over the beach fire pit.
CONNOR: Do you want to be with someone who will always choose you or a guy who has abandoned you on a beach on your birthday?
CAELYNN: I’m sorry, was there a question in there or?
Connor continues to throw Dean under the bus—excuse me, VAN—in an attempt to keep Caelynn in Paradise. He knows that without Caelynn he’ll be cast to the wastes of that godforsaken beach, made to live in a forced purgatory where his days will consist of getting sunburnt and watching literally everyone else around him fall in love. And to think, you didn’t even need to go all the way to Mexico for that, buddy! You could have just gotten on Instagram like the rest of us plebs. At least that’s where I go to ruin my self-esteem and emotionally torture myself!
HAHAHAHA. Did Blake just say “I think Dean is incredibly charming”? I’m dead. When amongst friends fellow sociopaths, amiright Blakie?
DEAN: *talks the pants right off of Caelynn*
BLAKE:
Caelynn tells Dean she needs more from him before she decides to leave Paradise. She asks him what his plans are for them as a couple, and Dean gives her a hapless shrug in response. A HAPLESS SHRUG. Do you see that, Caelynn? There’s been about as much thought and consideration put into y’all’s future plans as I put into answering the group text about where we’re going for dinner. Sounds like love to me!
They start making out, and Connor immediately runs off the beach to hide his tears. Aww, buddy. It’s okay. You’ll find a date to the 8th grade dance, I’m sure of it!
Caelynn tells Connor that she has to leave and “it doesn’t make sense, I know,” and this is the first thing I’ve ever agreed on with Caelynn. It doesn’t make sense. The only thing that makes sense is the sudden burst of Tiny Homes sponcon that’s about to pollute Caelynn’s IG feed.
Caelynn and Dean walk off into the sunset to resounding cheers shouts of “don’t f*ck up!” and “we were barely rooting for you, Caelynn!” Lmao are you kidding me with this sh*t? I get a better reception from my mother after I load the dishwasher and all she says is “you should load the bowls on the bottom not the top.”
Caelynn, all I have to say is, I hope you will remember this moment when you’re trying to pinpoint what made your life go down the tubes in therapy. Just saying!
Couple Updates:
Chris + Katie: Watching Caelynn ride off into the sunset with her heart on her sleeve and a hapless shrug in her future makes Katie begin to question the very solid foundation she’s built with Chris these last six weeks. I mean, how can she trust a man who’s never even shaved his mustache off for her, only constantly reaffirmed his feelings for her day after day after goddamn day? HOW?!
If we’re being honest, I’m just not invested in this storyline, you guys. And by “storyline” I obviously mean these people’s lives and happiness. I have more chemistry with this keyboard and yet ABC is trying to tell us this is what a strong couple is supposed to look like??
Katie says she needs to see some more effort from Chris and that’s why she’s happy the producers have meticulously planned and executed his date for her. It shows real drive.
They paint their future for us and use language that is more vague than what I use to talk about my marketable skills on my resume. And wouldn’t you know it, here comes an authentic Mexican wedding party to foreshadow the wedding production will ultimately beat Chris into by tomorrow evening. You are one lucky girl, Katie!
Matt + His Hand: Meanwhile, back at the beach, Old Matt Donald continues to juggle two women at once. His strategy? Just bring up his mother any time things get slightly physical with one of them. The rest of the men watch in abject horror. Blake is so disturbed by Matt’s lack of game that he has to leave the beach to go rub one out to his old Stagecoach Instagram stories just to remember that he’s still got it.
Chase finally takes pity on Matt and tries to teach him how to kiss by using a pineapple as a stand-in for a human woman. Eventually they might graduate to using Matt’s hand, but for right now, Matt needs to concentrate on rubbing his tongue against a BARBED OBJECT. What’s next, Chase? Telling himself to practice masturbating with a piece of sandpaper?
MATT AFTER THIS SEX ED LESSON:
Demi + Kristian: One couple who is struggling this week is Demi and Kristian. Demi claims that Kristian “flirts” with every single woman on the beach and it’s not fair to her. The flirting she speaks of? Lightly tapping Hot Twin’s arm to please pass her the ketchup. Smiling in Tayshia’s general direction. Accidentally knocking into Sydney’s shoulder at the breakfast bar. Breathing near Hannah. If this is what constitutes flirting, then I’ve gone to third base with the new office intern. Just saying.
KRISTIAN: *breathes near another woman*
DEMI:
Demi admits that she’s less annoyed with Kristian and the supposed “flirting” and more just annoyed with herself and how she’s still struggling with coming out about her sexuality. She’s still uncomfortable about being openly gay, and I’m sorry, but did I just witness someone on BACHELOR IN PARADISE come full circle with their emotions and acknowledge the deeper meaning behind their words and actions? DID I?! Is this the part where the world ends??
They get their auras cleansed by Mexican spirit guides (I paraphrase), but somehow the sage they burned does little to cleanse Demi’s jealousy. She tells Kristian that she doesn’t appreciate her being “overly touchy” with other women, and Kristian looks genuinely shocked by this proclamation.
Okay, I don’t think Kristian is in the wrong here, and I’m usually the first one to want to skin a significant other alive for the smallest amount of bad behavior. I also do really feel for Demi. I can’t imagine dating someone on national television and not coming off like a complete psycho—and my sexual orientation is actually accepted in society. Here’s hoping these two can work it out!
Tayshia + JPJ: As Demi and Kristian continue to strengthen their relationship, JPJ and Tayshia take theirs to the next level as well with…prom? I love that JPJ thought of Tayshia, a divorcée pushing 30, and thought “she’d be into a $2 Party City crown and a sash that says ‘Most Likely To Still Be Hot’.”
Well, that dress is certainly tacky enough to go to prom. Carry on.
Dylan says that the three balloons and half-drunk bowl of punch JPJ is passing off as “prom” is his way of showing Tayshia that he’s really serious about her. So, let me get this straight. When JPJ reverts to his 16-year-old self it’s “character growth”, but when I do it “deeply concerning” and “something we’ll discuss during our next session”? How is that fair?
Kristina + Blake: Watching Tayshia and JPJ dirty dance on a sand dune inspires Blake to try and romance Kristina. I love that JPJ plans this whole elaborate event for Tayshia and Blake spends 12 minutes coming up with a date card that doesn’t even rhyme, and considers it the same thing.
Jesus Christ. His romantic “epiphany” involves a leftover cheese plate and someone’s discarded beach towel. I’m calling the police.
WAIT. IS KRISTINA DUMPING HIM? Omg I’m truly living right now. Every tear that drips pathetically down his chin is adding years back on to my life, I swear to god.
Kristina tells Blake that she thinks the only reason either one of them is into each other right now is because there’s literally no one left in Paradise to date but the two of them. I love it. Kristina tells him that while his half-assed date was “really sweet” if she wanted to end up with one of her exes she would have followed Dean out to his van.
Kristina tells everyone she’s leaving as Blake wails in the distance. Okay, that is some AGGRESSIVE sobbing. Do you think those tears over Kristina or not being able to f*ck Bri when he had the chance?
And on that note, that concludes part one of the BiP finale! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow tonight to see who walks off this beach with love and who walks off with just a common strand of Chlamydia. (My money’s on Blake). Until then!
Images: Giphy (6); @caelynnmillerkeyes /Instagram (1); @brettsvergara /Instagram (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)
Welcome back to the best Bachelor in Paradise recap you’ll ever read! For those of you who thought ABC would give us a brief reprieve from the grueling four-hour-a-week schedule of this godforsaken show just because of a little thing like a national holiday, well think again bitch! If there’s one thing I know about the good people over at ABC, it’s that they do their best work when their audience is more sleep deprived and sunburnt than the contestants. In fact, I am force-feeding myself wine as we speak, even though I’ve spent the last 72 hours guzzling White Claw and now the mere smell of alcohol sends a cold chill down my spine. But ya know, how else are we to tolerate Nicole’s sad desperation? Onward!
Last week, Krystal and The Goose got married, Dean dumped Caelynn for his van, Angela and Clay had a moment, and we found out that John Paul Jones, like, hates our podcast or something. Which brings us to this week: we open with Nicole telling the cameras that dating a man for three weeks has changed her entire outlook on life. That is a bold statement considering the most personal thing she knows about Clay is how many reps he can do with her sitting on his back while drinking a margarita.
Cue Angela walking into Paradise. Angela gets a date card and it basically says: “Angela, get ready to throw a grenade on the scraps of happiness your ex has happened to find here.” Chris Harrison, you petty bastard.
I love that Clay is so appalled that the producers would do this to him. He’s like, “why would Angela just show up when she knows I’m here and dating other people?” Like, dude, the producers were literally rubbing their hands together and cackling when they thought of this plotline. Of course they did this to you!! You’re lucky they didn’t also ruin your credit score and make Angela start a rumor about you having herpes.
Nicole declares that she is ready to fight for this relationship and that Clay is her boyfriend and that Angela weighs one pound. Look, these are things I mumble to myself about Tyler C and Gigi Hadid every time TMZ sends me an update about their relationship, but that doesn’t make those true statements, Nicole!! She goes to confront Angela, and guys, if the only fights we see this season are over a piñata and Clay I’m officially hanging myself.
NICOLE: Clay is MY man.
ANGELA: Honey, I’m just here to ruin his life. Chill.
Well, at least she’s honest!
No one is more upset about the potential breakup of Nicole and Clay’s relationship than Tayshia. It’s almost as if she’s focusing all of her energy on another person’s relationship so she doesn’t have to choose between an age-appropriate, decent guy with whom she could have a real connection, and a guy with really nice hair.
Tayshia goes “I’m praying for them to work out” and it’s like, really? Out of all the things in this broken world, this is what you pray for, Tayshia?
Angela chooses Mike for her date and this choice feels specifically calculated to make Clay drown himself in the ocean. I’m so proud of you, Ang!!
They go on their date and Mike is GRILLING her about Clay. He’s like “did Clay shatter your heart? Are you still emotionally devastated? Did you know he didn’t even really love you?” MIKE. This is not how you woo a lady! This is how you get a lady to set fire to everything a man knows and loves, mmkay? The fragile state of her emotions seems to be working for Mike, though, because they immediately start making out.
Moving on to our other love triangle of the evening: Hot Twin, JPJ, and Tayshia. Hot Twin declares that she has a massive crush on JPJ, and now that makes two women who have used the words “intelligence” and “John Paul Jones” in the same sentence. I’m officially concerned.
JPJ calls Derek an overgrown frat boy, and that feels a little like the beer calling the pong table black. I mean JPJ has been mimicking Keanu Reeves’ voice from Point Break the entire time he’s been on screen, but somehow Derek is the fraud??
HOT TWIN: I thought we had an instant connection?
JPJ: We did! Of course we did. I just never expected you…to be funny or very smart, you know?
And this is the master wordsmith sweeping ladies off their feet all over Mexico??
Hot Twin keeps saying how she doesn’t get the whole “Tayshia thing” but I feel like she’s really trying to say “I don’t get why he likes her now that I’m here.” I see what she means though. If a former Vegas shot girl can’t find a man to give her a few beautiful weeks on a Mexican beach and a possible UTI afterwards, then what hope is there for the rest of us?? Then again, she is down one twin. Perhaps they aren’t as powerful apart as they are when they’re together.
JPJ tells Hot Twin that Derek never should have meddled in their business and that he’s just manipulating Tayshia, and this is truly rich as he’s telling all of this to the girl he himself is manipulating. Okay, I am LIVING for Demi’s reactions in the corner. Her face is screaming “thank god I don’t date men anymore.”
HOT TWIN: I thought I’d have a good time here but I’d rather be home with my dogs.
I’D RATHER BE HOME WITH MY DOGS. HAHAHAHA. I’ve had that exact thought while online dating, followed quickly by, “if he asks me to add him on Snapchat again I will be suicidal.”
JPJ tells Hot Twin not to put her emotions or feelings on him, even though his actions directly caused her to feel this way. He sends her off with a “be a big girl” and a brisk pat on the back, and if I were him I would sleep with one eye open from now on. Or else he might wake up floating on his mattress in the ocean somewhere off the coast of Mexico…
Hot Twin asks Blake why men are always such pieces of sh*t and Blake looks as if he’s wondering if now is a good time to try and sleep with her.
Haley: men ain’t shit
Blake: #bachelorinparadise pic.twitter.com/A3NuUGZT7Z
— thebachelornationstation (@thebachelornat2) September 3, 2019
Meanwhile, Wells is like “do you think that went well? Because from here it looked like a train wreck.” Wells is not wrong here. JPJ insists that it did, indeed, go pretty good, and I swear I saw Wells pretend to zip his lips and then go back to skeptically shaking his 500th skinny margarita of the summer.
To make matters worse, Derek tries to reignite his feud with JPJ by asking if he can “talk things out” with him. Okay, I feel like the producers must have put Derek up to this, because why else would he bring this sh*t up AGAIN?
JPJ accuses Derek once again of using his fame to sleep with women on social media and it’s like, are there receipts to back up this claim or…? Because I need to see more evidence. As someone who has slid into his DMs a time or six, I know from experience that he doesn’t answer every girl’s DMs so…
As they continue to bicker, the camera cuts to Tayshia, who looks like she would rather sleep with a sea urchin at this point than either one of them. I’m sure when she pictured her time on Paradise, she envisioned making out in a hot tub or sensual massages, but probably not being the center point of a fight where one man maniacally laughs and the other defends his podcast. Tough break, kid!
Old Matt Donald and Luke S. show up in Paradise next, and the producers give them a double date because they had to tighten the budget somewhere, so it might as well be for these two. The single ladies perk up at the thought of fresh meat on the island. Hot Twin is convinced that Old Matt Donald will be into her and Tayshia is just looking for someone to help smuggle her out of Mexico at this point before either of her suitors notice. Much to their dismay, they ask Kristina and Sydney out instead.
They shouldn’t feel too upset about their misfortune, because the foursome are set loose at a Mexican restaurant. I know, I know. Mexican in Mexico? Groundbreaking. For their date they’re forced to drink spicy margaritas, which appear to be less spicy and more just straight up poisonous. I love when production tortures the contestants under the guise of them “deepening connections.” It truly sparks joy in me.
Okay, the margaritas are certainly the only thing spicy about this date. Kristina is practically in the splash zone with how sweaty Luke S is and Old Matt Donald is acting like he’s never gotten within three feet of a woman before. He’s like “I want to kiss Sydney but also I have to think about my mother.”
MATT:
If you think a chaste kiss after dinner is bad, then just wait until production catches you three margs deep, straddling a stranger on a daybed! There’s always more room to bring dishonor to your family on this beach.
JPJ pulls Tayshia aside and tells her he feels “dis-ease” about their relationship, and then starts crying hysterically. That’s the Harvard-level intelligence at work right there, ladies!!
While Tayshia doesn’t seem to know how she feels about JPJ, she does know that she’s not into Derek anymore, and so she breaks up with him. She’s like “I thought that I was into you but then I thought nah.” So eloquent with her words! Look at that, folks, we’ve got another poet in the house!!
After getting dumped, Derek heads solemnly over to the bar and asks everyone to please gather close as he has some bad news to share. Okay Derek, you don’t have cancer, you just have a personality that is unattractive to women. Must we get this dramatic? Wave goodbye and get on your complimentary flight home for Christ’s sake.
And that’s all for tonight, folks! See you tomorrow for night two of this hellscape disguised as a reality TV show.
Images: Giphy (4); @thebachelornat2 /twitter (1)
The women of Bachelor In Paradise are truly all having themselves their own versions of hot girl summer, from shutting down f*ckboys to celebrating all kinds of love. They all look snatched as hell and also all have a killer wardrobe. This powerful group of women are influencing me (and my wallet) in all types of ways, from purchasing a ticket to next year’s Stagecoach to now fueling my online shopping addiction. So, since you too probably want to know where their outfits are from, here are some of the best pieces the girls have worn so far that are actually still currently available for you to buy now.
1. Caelynn’s Lime Green Dress
For Love & Lemons Meringue Mini Dress, $225
Caelynn has been slaying in her subtly sexy cowl necks, and I’m so here for it. Her date looks have all been perfectly effortless in a way that really amplifies her insane natural beauty. This neon green dress by For Love & Lemons is a must-have in your wardrobe right now. Dress it down by wearing it over a graphic tee with sneakers or dress it up with strappy heels and a statement earring. Whichever way you wear it, this dress is a true no-brainer.
2. Demi’s Striped Swimsuit
Vitamin A Mila Top in Verano Stripe, $66 & Vitamin A Lupe High-Waist Bikini Bottom, $110
This is the swimsuit Demi has worn for most of Paradise so far. Of course, she probably only actually wore it for one day, but the way this season is edited so choppily, I feel like we’ve seen it in every episode. Which, I’m totally okay with because I’m obsessed with this suit. Demi wore it with the high waisted version of the bottoms, but if you’re someone who thinks high waisted bottoms look like an adult diaper, then you’ll be happy to know there’s a low-rise option too.
3. Hannah G.’s Hot Pink Dress
LIONESS Mysterious Girl Mini Dress, $76
Sure, Hannah may be making some questionable choices when it comes to her love life in Paradise thus far, but you definitely can’t deny that she’s been making all the right choices when it comes to her wardrobe. She legit looked like Barbie when she wore this hot pink leopard dress, so can you blame Dylan for only having eyes for her? I sure can’t.
4. Kristina’s Floral Off The Shoulder Dress
White Fox Force Of Nature Mini Dress, $84.95
Kristina always looks gorgeous, and this season of paradise is no exception. She really knows how to dress for her petite frame, and she always looks so polished and put together no matter what. Even if on the inside she’s having a mental breakdown over Blake, you’d never know it from her outward appearance.
5. Hannah G.’s Snake Print Wrap Dress
Hannah G.’s Collection for JustFab Snake Print Wrap Dress, $56.95
So if you weren’t already aware, Hannah G. has a collection for JustFab and I’ll be the first to say IT’S AMAZING! She’s worn several pieces from the collection in Paradise thus far, some of which are actually already sold out. Fortunately, this super cute snake print wrap dress is still available, but I can’t imagine it will be for long. It’s such a cute dress to wear casually with sneakers or out on a date with some heels.
6. Tayshia’s Hot Pink Bikini
Topshop Crinkle Bikini Top, $26 & Tanga Bikini Bottom, $22
If there’s one thing I know so far from this season of Bachelor in Paradise, it’s that I’m officially a Tayshia stan. Between her relatively confusing romance with JPJ to her IDGAF attitude toward Blake, Tayshia is doing Paradise right. Not to mention she’s also worn some great looks along the way, like this super affordable hot pink Topshop bikini. The sizes in the top are limited, so act fast if you want it!
7. Caelynn’s Leopard Print Midi Dress
Endless Summer Harper Slip Dress, $168
Caelynn wore this dress on my favorite date we’ve seen so far in Paradise, the one between her and Dean. They were so flirty and playful and you could totally see in Dean’s eyes how much he likes Caelynn. It also makes it even that much better knowing that these two made it and are currently together. And that’s not a spoiler because everyone already knows that and they post about it all over Instagram, so chill.
Now, if you’re anything like me, the first piece from Bachelor in Paradise you had to have was that black lace naked dress Hannah G. wore on her date with Dylan. Which apparently is actually Kristina’s dress, and she wanted you all to know that. But regardless, it doesn’t matter because it’s basically sold out everywhere. *Sigh.* So, to avoid that same painful non-buyer’s remorse, shop all the above pieces ASAP!
Images: @bachelorinparadise, @teamdannah, @the_style_spotter, @bigblondehair, @tatyshiaaa / Instagram; For Love & Lemons; Revolve (2); Hello Mollly; White Fox; JustFab; Nordstrom
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.
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For those of you who missed last week’s episodes of Bachelor in Paradise, well then congratulations, you’re not better than me—you missed one hell of a week. I say “hell of a week” because I’m convinced this show is actually hell on earth and my own personal Bad Place for that one time I wrote “call Ashley for a good time” on the bathroom stall in middle school.
But back to the show! A lot did actually happen last week. If you’ll recall, Demi finally told Derek that she is taking the term “hot girl summer” literally, and would like to only date hot girls. Respect. Meanwhile, Caelynn just so happened to find revenge—I mean love (obviously I meant love!)—with her arch enemy’s ex-boyfriend. Her romance with a homeless man who hasn’t showered since the 2017 didn’t feel at all malicious or suspiciously timed to make the Russian orphan cry. Nope. Not at all. Dylan and Blake continued to fight over their favorite life-size doll: Hannah G. And finally, Nicole and Clay’s solid four-day romance was absolutely ROCKED with the arrival of a new man in Paradise: Christopher. Or was it Charles? I want to say Christian but I’m about as confident in that answer is I am in Christoff’s ability to speak an entire sentence without one sexual innuendo.
Which brings us to this week: back at the beach, Jordan decides that enough is enough and he simply won’t stand for the way Clay is being treated. Clay did ask very nicely for some time alone with Nicole, only to be instantly rebuffed by Chasen. It was a little like watching George McFly try to ask Marty’s mother to the under the sea dance, but without the pressure of Marty’s existence ceasing to exist and the collapse of the space time continuum literally nothing happens, except Clay wishes them a good night and then slinks off to the bar to have a Wells make him a virgin piña colada. Better luck next time, buddy!
This simply won’t stand with production Jordan, so production Jordan decides to take things into production’s his own hands by throwing Chandler’s piñata into the sand. As two grown men wrestle over a child’s birthday party decoration, ABC does their damndest to make us believe that this fight is actually legit. I’m sorry, but I’m just not buying it. I’ve seen better fights at a sorority house. Just saying.
Naturally, Nicole makes this entirely about herself. She’s like “that was the scariest moment, I felt like I was in such danger.” Sweetie, I’ve felt more in danger on the M train at 8:30 in the morning. If you can’t handle two metrosexuals pretending to fight for ratings, then I don’t know how you have survived this long.
Nicole: “oh no clay, christian, don’t fight over me I can’t take it!!”#BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/FIJMsaXbne
— Mary (@therealmehevans) August 14, 2019
Uh oh! They’re calling in daddy-o Chris Harrison! They must be in real trouble now. I love that Chris Harrison isn’t even rebuking the men. He actually doesn’t even speak throughout the entire ordeal, he just lets the producer who holds up his cue cards during the rose ceremonies do all the talking. He’s really only a figurehead, I suppose. Like the queen.
It is determined by production that both Jordan and Chadwick will be sent home over the piñata fight, as it’s the only fair way to resolve the issue. Tbh this feels a little unfair considering Jordan was the instigator and production scripted this fight sequence line-by-line, but fine.
The Rose Ceremony:
Even with their elimination, three more men are still going home this week. So does this mean Clay will be getting Nicole’s rose by default? Clay is wondering the same thing, because he pulls Nicole aside so they can “talk.” He doesn’t want her to get the wrong idea that he might be aggressive like Chett. You get that? An NFL player does not want to be seen as aggressive. You better hope your agent doesn’t hear you talking like this, Clay, or you’ll never get back out there!
Meanwhile, the Blake/Hannah/Dylan saga continues. Hannah is torn between which vitamin she should take and honestly this comparison of the men to vitamins is making me worried that she considers vitamins an actual food group. Tbh, it would explain a lot.
DYLAN: Hannah is so beautiful. I could just stare at her all day and wear her bathwater in a vial around my neck, you know?
MIKE:
Since a rose is now on the line, Blake decides it’s time to really step up his game in wooing Hannah. Before he was just like, medium interested in her. And by “medium interested,” I mean actively pursuing any woman with a working vagina, of which Hannah also has one. He decides a mariachi band should do the trick. Really, Blake? A mariachi band in Mexico? Groundbreaking.
HANNAH: That was so sweet of you. Thank you!
BLAKE: Well I wanted to remind you why you have a crush on me.
I WANTED TO REMIND YOU WHY YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME. I’m dying. I’m going to start saying that to people and see if it works.
Chris Harrison calls the rose ceremony to order, though it’s hard to hear him clinking his glass over the sounds of Dylan sobbing in the bushes. Before he can even launch into his contractually obligated 3-6 sentences for each episode, he’s interrupted by Onyeka, who has decided to send herself home. As it turns out, she would rather sit in a Mexican airport than contend with advances from Cam for one more goddamn second. I knew you were a real one, girlfriend.
The rose ceremony goes as such:
-
Demi picks Derek
-
Katie picks Chris B
-
Nicole picks Clay
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Caelynn picks Dean
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Tayshia picks JPJ
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Sydney picks Mike
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Hannah picks Dylan (if only because she would like to substitute prosciutto for his heart when she makes her next charcuterie board. It’s fun to try new things!)
-
Kristina picks Blake??? WHAT. I was rooting for you, Kristina! We were all rooting for you!
Couple Updates:
Blake & Caitlin: Paradise is not treating Blake well, and Blake is making sure everyone knows this. After Hannah’s rejection at the rose ceremony, he watches the happy couples with a look that says he just wrote his mother the saddest letter about his time at camp.
“Mom? Can you come pick me up? The food is trash and my bunkmates are picking on me!”
Blake’s luck changes only slightly when Caitlin walks into Paradise and there’s literally no one else for her to take on her date. There was a moment where I thought she might be into Dean, but then I guess she opened her eyes and realized he looked less like boyfriend material and more like someone who should be delivering the “pizza” in a porno.
Oh Jesus Christ, Blake met this girl at Stagecoach too?? Is Stagecoach code for something other than a country music festival? Like, Bachelor-sponsored orgies?
Their date involves trying out tantric yoga, which feels like a horrifying activity for two complete strangers to do with one another, but okay. I love how everybody hates Blake, but someone takes one for the team and asks him out anyways, and he STILL bitches the entire time. He’s like “could I catch a f*cking break here?” as a woman does yoga flow right on his dick. GROW UP, BLAKE.
Dylan & Hannah: I guess production finally decided they were done testing the limits of Dylan’s sanity, because they throw him a bone and give him a date card. He, of course, invites Hannah, much to Blake’s chagrin.
Throughout this whole date I can’t help thinking that Hannah is really, really lucky she looks the way she does. Like, if she was just average looking, would a guy be putting up with her bullsh*t like this? She tells Dylan she’s sorry she’s been so indecisive and straddling other men in front of him but like, that’s what Paradise is all about, isn’t it?? Dylan takes all of this in stride and is just grateful she didn’t make out with their waiter just now. Baby steps!
DYLAN: I’m falling so hard for you.
HANNAH: *shrugs*
HAHA. At this point, Hannah has expressed stronger feelings towards a charcuterie board than this human man in front of her handing her his still beating heart. Bless it.
Tayshia & JPJ: This is a couple I didn’t see coming but am actually very here for. JPJ and Tayshia appear to still going strong. JPJ even goes as far as to say he feels “intoxicated” around Tayshia but like, I’m pretty sure that’s just Wells’ margaritas…
I love that JPJ’s sob story is that he thought about getting married to his college sweetheart but decided he’d rather not. I guess that’s as far into his privilege as he could possibly dig. I’m sure that girl is watching now and not at all contemplating ways to behead him while listening to him talk about how he was committed to her for YEARS and couldn’t imagine marrying her, but can see a future with this girl he’s been making out with for five days.
Honestly, they deserve each other.
Demi & Derek: Meanwhile, Demi is still thinking about the girl she left at home while casually stringing Derek along. Look, I’m all for Demi being a queer queen and would LOVE to see more diversity on this whole milk of dating franchises, but I don’t love that she came on this show while dating someone else. Doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose here? If Blake had to break up with all five of his girlfriends, then so should Demi!
DEMI: Sometimes I want to make out with him and sometimes I can’t stand to breathe the same air as him, you know?
Yes, I do know girl. Write that on my f*cking headstone.
Wait, so her girlfriend’s name is Christian also? Why does this make me nervous that Nicole’s Christian is about to pop out from behind a palm tree, only in a wig?
My queen Alabama Hannah shows up in Paradise to talk to Demi about her predicament. Look, nothing against my girl Hannah, but maybe Demi shouldn’t be taking relationship advice from someone who had Tyler C in her clutches and let him slip away in favor of a man who’s monthly income is probably $23.75 plus the spare gum someone threw into his guitar case out of pity.
Their talk only makes Demi more upset. She says it’s not really fair that she should have to choose between someone who’s there and someone who isn’t there and then goes off to ask Chris Harrison if she can bring a plus one to the next rose ceremony. Or so I assume, because that’s where the episode ends. Until tomorrow night!
Images: Giphy (2); ABC (2); @therealmehevans /Twitter (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1)
John Paul Jones
Tayshia
Blake
Bibiana
Clay
Demi
Cam
Onyeka
I’m excited to see Onyeka back for Paradise, and I feel like she could do well in this environment. As a reminder, her parents got engaged after just two weeks, so the Paradise engagement timeline is basically in her blood.
Katie
Katie’s main accomplishment on Colton’s season was warning him that some of the other women weren’t ready for marriage. Good call. Hopefully Katie is ready for marriage, because no doubt Chris Harrison will be itching to end this season with a few proposals. Best of luck!
Hannah G.
People are already guessing that Hannah G. and Blake could be a potential Paradise couple, and I’m on board with this. Hannah might not be the most exciting person in the room, but she deserves some redemption after Colton basically ghosted her on national television.
Derek
Welcome to Betchelor Nation! Our fave Derek is back, and I’m mostly hoping he stays single because I have several friends who want me to set them up with him. Derek left Paradise with a fiancée last time, so we’ll see how it goes this year.
Nicole
I’m mainly excited to see Nicole reignite her drama with Onyeka, because that’s what Paradise is really for. Hopefully she sticks to her one drink per hour limit, because things in the BIP house always get emotional.
Sydney
Sydney quit during Colton’s season and, like Katie, warned him that some of the girls weren’t ready for marriage, and—surprise!—she was right. Who knows if she’ll find a husband this time around, but I have no doubt she’ll keep it real. I’m all for someone going down to Paradise and calling out all the fake relationships.
Annaliese
Is anyone surprised that Annaliese is back for another try after things didn’t work out with Kamil? No, the answer is no. Idk whether she or Nicole will cry more, but I’m sure the tears will be flowing faster than the alcohol. Nothing better than desperation on the beach!
Caelynn
No one is surprised about this, but after getting screwed out of being the Bachelorette, I’m sure she’ll be eager to cement her Instagram sponsorships in Mexico. I’m not sure how she’ll handle this environment, but I’m sure it’ll be good TV regardless.
Jane
If you don’t remember Jane, that’s because she was eliminated in the first week of Colton’s season. By my count, this makes nine women from Colton’s season on Paradise this year. As opposed to the guys, where ABC was desperately looking for anyone from the past seven years, with the ladies they just took anyone from Colton’s season with a pulse.
Wills
Even in his promo photo, Wills is already bringing the style back to Paradise, thank God. I’m excited to see him return, even though I can’t really imagine him getting engaged at the end. But honestly, who besides Mike Fleiss even cares?
Kevin
Kevin never even got kissed on Hannah B’s season, so I’m sure he’ll be ready for some action when he gets to Paradise. I don’t really have much to say about him, but based on his promo photo I really hope he gets a little bit of a tan. I’m blinded.
Chris
For those of you who are more recent members of Bachelor Nation, ABC is really digging back in the archives here. This is going to be Chris’ SIXTH time on a Bachelor show, and his third trip to Paradise. His first show was all the way back in 2012, when he was on Emily Maynard’s season of The Bachelorette. They always say, sixth time’s the charm!
Wells
For the last few weeks, our Bachelor Nation energy has been firmly focused on the nightmare that is Jordan Kimball and Jenna Cooper’s relationship. From a feud with Reality Steve to an “extraction” device, Jenna has been a complete sh*tshow. But in today’s news, we’re reminded that there’s plenty of psycho to go around in the Paradise cast. Today’s drama is courtesy of Jacqueline and Jordan Mauger, who were apparently (maybe?) a couple until recently. We never wrote an article about them, because in the time that would have taken, their relationship has completely fallen apart. As a quick refresher, Jacqueline was the girl on Arie’s season who was too smart to be there, and Jordan is New Zealand Jordan who appeared on Bachelor: Winter Games.
The first evidence of their relationship appeared a few weeks ago, when Jordan Instagrammed a photo of him and Jacqueline kissing at Burning Man. Ah yes, because all great loves begin in the desert when you’re wearing a corset, tutu, and a blue wig. Soon after that, Jacqueline gushed about Jordan in a post on Reddit: “he is just…good for me. He deals well with neurotic people. My favorite thing about Jordan is his maturity. He is incredibly patient and supportive. He is the least pretentious person I’ve ever met. He knows who he is.” Wow, this seems surprisingly deep for two people who met on a reality show. But as Nelly Furtado taught me many years ago, all good things come to an end.
A couple days ago, people noticed that Jordan had changed the caption on the photo, adding a “not” to the end. This is obviously a very emotionally mature way of acknowledging the end of a relationship, but then Jordan went and just deleted the photo before long. Thanks to the power of screenshots, here it is:
Life & Style got comments from both Jordan and Jacqueline, and I’m so thankful. Jacqueline kept it simple, saying “It’s been a very sad few days. I’m not doing great.” Aw. Jordan’s comments were brief, but a little more interesting, saying, “We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry,” followed by a bunch of broken heart emojis. I’m sorry, WHAT? That might be the most alarming sentence I’ve ever read, and I read Fifty Shades of Grey when I was 15. Did Jordan read that on a mug somewhere? Has he been spending too much time on Pinterest? I need to know.
After both parties made their initial comments, things continued to get more interesting. Someone posted on Reddit that Jacqueline had cheated on Jordan, and this was the reason for the split. The post was later taken down, and those claims were unverified, but the damage was done. Someone DMed Jordan to ask about the allegations, and he respectfully declined to talk about it, telling the DMer, “I’m really trying to recover from all this. It’s very heartbreaking. I hope you understand I don’t really want to go into it.” But of course, the person who DMed him then posted a screenshot of that conversation, so he talked to Life & Style again. Oh god, this dude is just as thirsty as all of them. He told them, “This situation is more complex and deeper than people know. I’m not entirely sure how Reddit works, but I’m sure it is very upsetting for Jacqueline as she uses it regularly. I’d respect if we could be left alone to recover from this by ourselves.”
Lmao, is he low-key dragging her for using Reddit? Either way, he’s really saying a lot for someone who claims he wants to be left alone. Aaaaand because famewhores gonna famewhore, Jacqueline also talked to Life & Style for a second time. “None of that comment is true. It’s someone who wrote a rumor I was able to disprove. Jordan is mad about a totally different topic. Jordan and I were never in a relationship. We were getting to know each other and discovering what could be possible between us.”
Okay, is anyone else confused? Jacqueline says she and Jordan were never in a relationship, and I’m thinking that they are on very different pages about that. Wow, and usually when I have a breakup, it’s the man who denies we were ever officially together in the first place, even though I MET YOUR PARENTS!! Anyway, good on Jacqueline for bucking gender norms. Whatever, both of these people are probably nuts.
So things may be over for Jacqueline and Jordan, but it’s likely only a matter of time before another couple in Bachelor Nation blesses us with a ridiculous mess. It just never ends with these crazies.
Images: @jord_abroad / Instagram; ABC
