The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Thank God It’s Over

Well, kids, we made it. I’m exhausted, I’m out of breath, and my liver is fighting hard not to crumble under the amount of boxed wine it took me to get through this season, but we did it. We have (supposedly) made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s not like I’ve been begging for this moment to happen ever since the producers started making food foreplay a thing before each rose ceremony. 

Speaking of rose ceremonies, this is a big week for the couples. We’ll get to find out which of these lovebirds will ruin their lives by getting engaged to a person they’ve known for about as long as I leave my suitcases packed after a trip and which couples will break up have just brought shame upon their households by dry humping anything with a pulse all summer. Let’s dive into it!

Abigail & Noah

Last week was a tough one for Noah and Abigail. Not only did Noah get a glimpse of their future and then promptly attempt to moonwalk away from it, but they were forced to have that conversation while dressed like extras from the set of Pretty in Pink. And not, like, the popular extras from that movie. God, imagine looking so heinous during a breakup that is broadcast to millions of people? That 80s theme was definitely crafted to humiliate them further. Bravo, ABC. Bravo. 

As Abigail gives a full-on Josie Grossie meltdown, Noah gives her a solid five extra minutes of his time before being like “well, good season everyone! It was fun while it lasted!” Sir, this isn’t the ending to a Mighty Ducks movie. What kind of exit speech is that? Hearts are on the line here!

NOAH: She’s a great girl, but are we each other’s soul mates?
ALSO NOAH:

I do appreciate how realistic Noah is being here. I mean, he’s not wrong. In a matter of days these people will have to get engaged to each other. And while the sanctity of marriage means nothing to this franchise, it still seems laughable to me that any of them feel the relationship they built on mimosas and tequila shots is strong enough to withstand an engagement. Noah is still trying to figure out how to layer all of those delicate necklaces, for god’s sake. He’s not ready for that kind of commitment! 

Oh, Jesus Christ. Why is Serena crying? Word gets out about Abigail and Noah’s breakup and the news rocks the rest of the contestants. Why they’re mourning this relationship like it’s a beloved grandparent and not some white dude with a penchant for wearing shirts unbuttoned to his navel turning out to be a fuckboy, I’m not sure. I can only assume it’s the Stolkholm Syndrome fully setting in that has these people in such stitches. 

Becca & Thomas

Every time I see Becca and Thomas on my screen, I’m taken aback. A former beloved Bachelorette talking to a man who was banished from his season with all of the power of a generations-strong witches curse? Make! It! Make! Sense! 

While Thomas and Becca were mooning over each other at prom and picked each other at the last rose ceremony, Becca is having doubts about attending the fantasy suite with him. Case in point: Thomas tells Becca that he’s all in with her, and she visibly cringes. Wow, not a strong start. 

BECCA: I’m just not sure I’m there yet. I think I need more time.
THOMAS: 

HAHAHAHA. Thomas is so messy for drama and I love it. Before Becca can even finish her thought, Thomas begins openly weeping on that day bed. He warbles something about one day maybe being able to love again and then stumbles for the exit. Becca chases after him to probably tell him to slow his roll, she just meant she wants to continue dating him, but Thomas has already committed to the main character energy and can’t be tamed. He’s like, “if you ever loved me just let me go!” and I’m dead. DECEASED. I’ve had less dramatic exits leaving a Macy’s dressing room in 7th grade. If you really want to perfect that method acting, Tommy, try embodying the mindset of a barely pubescent girl who is both looking for a “sexy” dress for the school dance and simultaneously afraid to shave her legs above the knee. 

Also, it feels very meta watching their relationship play out on the show because if you’ve been following either of them at all IRL, you’d see that they don’t go a single day without @ing each other on social media. So, like, what am I even watching here? They’re clearly still together. ABC, stop wasting my time with this old footage and give me the good stuff!!  

Maurissa & Riley

Riley and Maurissa continue to prove that love isn’t actually dead. They decide to go to the fantasy suites together, partly because they want to see if their relationship can make it in the real world and partly because they ran out of whipped cream on the beach anyway. Also, I love that they all think a night in the fantasy suites will properly prepare them for the real world. Yes, champagne and private hot tubs is exactly the harsh dose of reality they needed to get an accurate picture of life outside of Paradise. 

One of the most raw moments of Bachelor television I’ve ever witnessed occurs when Riley tells Maurissa that he has this recurring dream about Sunday mornings, one where he wakes up to a wife and kids and lazy days in bed and, Y’ALL, I AM CRYING IN THIS CLUB RN. 

RILEY: When I see you, I see Sunday morning
ME:

I AM NOT WELL. It’s actually unhealthy how happy I am for these complete strangers. I’m so happy for them that I will even ignore Maurissa slipping in a joke about sucking his toes during the proposal scene the next day. I’m so happy that I’ll even ignore how distracted I am by the fact that these people are melting right before my very eyes. My god, did they have to propose on the surface of the sun?! I’ve seen people leave less wet after a SeaWorld performance. 

Also, just gonna leave this here:

 

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Mari & Kenny

Like every other couple this week, Kenny and Mari also have to decide if they’re going to take their relationship to the next level. Kenny says that his only concern about Mari is her age, which is fun because last week his biggest concern was that she wouldn’t let him dip her entire body in queso on a Wednesday. Those seem like two contrasting concerns, but okay.

Going into the fantasy suites, Kenny continues to question Mari’s commitment to their relationship. He says that she’s never really been 100% with him. LOL. This coming from the guy who played topless volleyball with Tia and brought Demi to the boom boom room. But sure, Mari is the one who isn’t ready for marriage…

KENNY: No one expects me to get married, no one expects me to have kids.

Yes, well, that could be because of the smattering of star tattoos sprinkled across your ribcage. 

Cut to the proposal day and Mari looks absolutely stunning. Kenny, meanwhile, looks less like he’s about to propose and more like he’s about to shout “SPRING BREAK, BITCHES” into a crowd full of college kids and then pelt them with jello shots. His actual proposal isn’t much better. He says that it wasn’t love at first sight with them but it was “something.” Why do I have the feeling he’s referring to his boner here? At least class it up for this one thing, Kenny!

KENNY: *waggles eyebrows* I asked Mari to mari me
ME:

And just like that, they’re engaged! I can’t wait to see the tuxedo-printed bro tank Kenny designs for their wedding day. Should be magical. 

Serena & Joe

ABC tried hard to make the finale into something that wasn’t 180 minutes of footage of melatonin given physical form, only to fail miserably in that endeavor. They particularly focused those efforts on Joe and Serena’s relationship. I assume they took one look at Serena’s butterfly hair clips and Soffee shorts and struggled, as I did, to take this relationship seriously. It seems like low-hanging fruit to me, but who am I to judge?

The happy couple goes off to the Fantasy Suites for a night of Joe having to explain to Serena that it’s impolite to ask the waiter the alcohol percentage of each wine. Joe says that he thought he would be more confused going into proposal day, but instead he’s never been more sure about his feelings for Serena. I mean, actually his exact words were: “everything that just happened between us is just natural” and it’s like, we get it, Joe. She’s so young you don’t need lube. Enough. 

Cut to proposal day and Joe is standing on the beach wearing his best Costco bulk order polo when who should appear? KENDALL. Okay, this is just cruel at this point. What is the point of bringing Kendall back? Haven’t we exhausted this plot point already? And Kendall, girlfriend, I’ve defended you throughout this season but this is… too far. Which family member is ABC holding for ransom behind the scenes, because I can’t believe you did this of your own free will! 

Ultimately, Kendall’s reappearance does nothing to deter him from proposing to Serena. He says that even though he’s old enough to have a MySpace account and she’s young enough to have a Finsta, they can make it work (I paraphrase). Never mind that Serena isn’t even a U.S. citizen. I for one, cannot WAIT to see the 90 Day Fiancé x Bachelor Nation spin-off this relationship has the power to generate. I ask for so little, just let me have this one thing! 

JOE & SERENA: 

 

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KENDALL, A GIRL WHO IS TOTALLY DOING FINE:

 

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And that’s the season, kids! We have exactly two weeks until Michelle’s season of The Bachelorette airs, so I’ll be spending that down time constantly refreshing Maurissa’s IG feed to live vicariously through her happiness. Until then!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (4); @joeamabile1 /Instagram (1); @itskendalllong /Instagram (1); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Off With Their Heads!

Welcome back to the best Bachelor in Paradise recap you’ll ever read! It’s your lucky day, betches, because you’re getting two recaps in one. This of course has everything to do with convenience for you, dear readers, and nothing at all to do with me being so violently hungover from LDW that my stomach still turns if anyone even thinks the words “green tea shots” near my general vicinity. I do it all for you!

And I’m not the only one going hard for America. It looks like this week ABC stopped being polite and started getting real. Monday and Tuesday night’s episodes were truly wild. At one point I had the distinct thought that next the producers might let loose live tigers on the beach to eat them all alive. It would be a kindness at this point. 

THE BiP CAST MATES AT ANY POINT THIS WEEK:

There is A LOT to cover from the last two days so, for those of you looking for more of a highlights reel situation (the audacity), luckily for you, I got lazy. So without further ado:

Batshit Things That Happened That Were Only Mildly Entertaining

• Noah’s neck started to look like a Francesca’s clearance rack with the amount of delicate necklaces he’s accumulated
• Tituss Burgess took over as host and I’m not impressed (smite me, I dare you)
• Noah and Abigail’s love was rekindled (or at the very least, they have agreed to go back to being friends who politely kiss for the sake of roses)
• Tia lusted over Kenny
• Mari lusted over Kenny
• Demi lusted over Kenny
• Kenny lusted over himself for being a heartthrob for the first time since the original 90210 aired
• ABC threw a house party
Becca made the moves on Thomas

And now for the real dirt…

Hurricane Kendall: Continued

Monday night’s episode opens with Kendall returning to Paradise. For those of you newbies to BiP, Kendall and Joe met and fell in love on this very beach a few seasons back. I think I speak for all of us when I say her return is the most shocking thing to happen all season. And by “shocking,” I mean a producer orchestrated the entire scene to within an inch of its life. 

The first thing Kendall does is pull Joe aside for a “talk”, and it definitely feels like this conversation didn’t have to happen under such high stakes circumstances. Like, Kendall, whatever happened to getting blitzed on wine flights with your girlies, realizing three drinks in that you’re the last single one at the table and the only guy to get fresh with you recently had the hobbies of a stock photo person, drinking three more drinks, and then ending the night crying in a bathroom, scrolling through photos of your ex before finally finding the courage to leave a tear-stained voicemail on his phone that sounds suspiciously like Olivia Rodrigo song lyrics?? Be a normal person, okay!! You’re not better than us!

I can already tell that Kendall’s interference with Joe’s new relationship will have America wanting to skin her alive like one of her taxidermy babies, but honestly I’m on her side. Supposedly the reason they broke up was over logistics. He didn’t want to stay in LA, she didn’t want to move to Chicago. I’m getting the feeling that the breakup was a temporary move to prove a point, except neither of them caved. And yet here he is dating some Gossip Girl-named Gen-Zer who lives in a whole-ass other country. THE FACTS AREN’T ADDING UP, JOSEPH. 

Speaking of which, where does this leave Joe and Serena? While at first it very much seemed like Joe would like to have his cake and eat it too, in the end he decides to only pursue things with Serena. He admits that Kendall’s arrival is bringing up old feelings for him, but they’re done 100%, which is not really how he phrases it to Kendall, but okay pal. 

And look, it’s not that I’m rooting for Kendall, I’m just actively rooting for Joe to date someone his own age (hi). Sorry to all you #Jerena shippers, but that’s just the way the cookie is crumbling, okay!!

The First Rule About Influencing Is That You Don’t Talk About Influencing 

Every generation needs a Bonnie and Clyde, a hot couple to upend society and blow up their lives for our own entertainment. This season our Bonnie is a girl whose name is spelled like it’s a mistake and a guy whose love language is turtlenecks. Not really what we asked for, but if you’re looking for the end of civilization as we know it, I think it might start with any offspring spawned by these two (and, yes, I’m counting any Instagram couple accounts). 

Monday night we saw the return of Pieper. For weeks now, Brendan has been dogged by rumors that he and Pieper were dating prior to his coming to Paradise, and that he’s actually currently in a relationship with her. He, of course, denied the rumors and pledged his feelings to Natasha (if vague affirmations and minimal touching can be considered a “pledge”). Now we know that story was absolute bullshit. 

Pieper walks into Paradise and WITHOUT EVEN READING HER DATE CARD OR LOOKING AT ANOTHER HUMAN ON THE BEACH chooses Brendan for the date. Sus. Then we get to their date. Brendan is trying to play it off like the two of them just have some sort of instant connection. Meanwhile, Pieper is blowing their cover story to smithereens. 

PIEPER: Why are you acting like we don’t know each other? We’re dating. Here, let me say it 1,000 more times on camera. WE’RE DATINGGGGG.
BRENDAN:

And this, friends, is why you don’t enlist someone whose resume is just a link to their TikTok to assist you in your grift. 

Okay, these two are both garbage monsters who deserve to be banished to a remote cave until the end of their days. Why did they do this? For followers? An Us Weekly spread? A free trip to a mediocre Mexican resort with no air conditioning and a bartender whose “official training” included two hours of liking things on Pinterest? I repeat: I. don’t. get. it. 

And what’s worse than Brendan’s betrayal of Natasha or their outright disrespect for the fandom is how supremely bad they are at controlling their own narratives. Brendan fully admits to Pieper that he manipulated Natasha into keeping him around so he could wait for her to show up. He says this ON CAMERA. Like, do they understand they’re being recorded? Just because you yell “cut!” doesn’t mean the cameras have stopped rolling. 

And then there’s Natasha. She has been so chill and mature throughout this whole thing. I just really want her to give herself permission to set something ablaze. Instead of acting petty or starting hurtful rumors, she goes straight to the source. She asks Pieper outright if they were dating already and Pieper is like “yeah, but it’s not like we even made a vlog about it yet, so what’s the big deal??” A VLOG. It’s sickening. 

While Pieper’s confrontation with Natasha made me want to scream violently into the void, Brendan’s confrontation actually made me consider commenting on his mother’s Instagram to tell her, in detail, what kind of trash her son is. Did you raise him to behave like this??

Instead of coming clean or acting remotely remorseful, he chooses to emotionally bully Natasha into silence. I think at one point he says that he never had feelings for Natasha and that her own “selective hearing” is to blame if she ever thought that was the case.  

BRENDAN: She had no viable options other than me. I didn’t keep her from anyone here.
ME TO MY DOG, ALONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM: 

Wow, the producers really are trying to get this man killed. Brendan keeps acting like Natasha is not gorgeous and sweet and someone absolutely anyone with working eyes and ears would want to fuck. But by all means, continue to bury your IG stats alive…

Do you hear that?? The sound of Brendan’s popularity plummeting? #bachelorinparadiseabc

— The Betchelor🥀 (@betchelorpod) September 7, 2021

More than anything, the thing that cements their fates is how obvious they are about their clout-chasing. The morning after their date, the cameras pan to them lounging in (what they assume is) a secluded corner. To the delight of the producers they then proceed to dissect their Instagram stats and predict how their fake love story will result in better magazine coverage and sponsorship deals. On camera. While talking directly into their microphones. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, listen kids. The first rule of influencing IS THAT YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT THE INFLUENCING. YOU IDIOTS. 

What’s most infuriating is that they seemingly get away with their scam. When Natasha voices her frustrations about the situation to the other contestants, they mostly ignore her. The guys even openly side with Brendan.

By Tuesday’s episode, Brendan and Pieper’s clout-chasing is barely a plot line anymore. Instead, the focus shifts to Chris and Jessenia’s relationship, where Chris is accused, tried, and convicted of the very same crime Brendan and Pieper are guilty of. 

Let’s set the scene: One of Tituss’ first decrees as host is to invite a chosen few to a “VIP” party off site. “VIP” feels like a strong exaggeration of the vibe, given the high school gym setting and middle school dance flashbacks the scenery evokes. They might as well play Usher’s  “Yeah” and see how long it takes for these boys to pop an accidental boner in their khakis.

Side note: to emphasize the fact that ABC is done talking about the Natasha/Brendan/Pieper storyline, they don’t even invite our queen to their sad little house party. Like, if anyone on this planet deserves a drink rn…

NATASHA NOT GETTING INVITED TO THE VIP PARTY: 

The party creates maximum chaos for Jessenia and Chris. I wasn’t far off earlier when I mentioned ABC producers’ inclination to throw live tigers at these people. Sub out “tigers” for “random hoes” and the effect is about the same. That’s right, the moment the party begins, four new girls arrive on the scene to shake things up. Chris immediately hits it off with Alana, whom we are told is a person who was on this franchise at some point in her life. Seems fake, but okay.

Even though Alana has been in Mexico for less time than it takes to go through airport customs, Chris decides he’s in love and breaks things off with Jessenia. I tried to tell you, Jessenia. Never trust a boy with vocal fry. 

 

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Tbh, I barely even took notes during this section because it was so boring compared to the other drama that happened this week. But alas, this is what the people of Paradise choose to rally against. While Brendan and Pieper discuss which TikTok dance to use to debut their couple status, the rest of the contestants plan how to get away with Chris’ international murder.

Riley and Joe are at the forefront of this angry mob. Joe is talking like he knows people who could “handle” the situation. Just say the word, guys. Seriously. Say it. Though I appreciate them standing up for Jessenia, it feels a little hypocritical after Joe completely blew off Natasha’s concerns the night before. I mean, where is the outrage against Brendan?

Sure, Chris and Alana probably knew each other before filming. But I think it was more of a flirty crush and/or one-time hook up. I don’t think they were full-on dating like Brendan and Pieper clearly were. At the very least they gave a decent go at pretending to be strangers before the show. (Thank you for humoring us, btw). Their crimes feel juvenile in comparison. Chris is getting the backlash that Brendan and Pieper so clearly deserve, and it’s infuriating to watch. 

We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Natasha gets the justice she deserves. Until then I’ll just keep refining my manifesto that warns against the dangers of trusting men in skinny jeans. TTYL!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); @thebetchelor /Twitter (1); @bitchelorette_ /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Naked And Afraid

Welcome back to Hell! Once again, we find ourselves shackled to our couches for the sake of watching grown adults slowly poison themselves one skinny margarita at a time. Ah, yes. It’s good to be home. 

The Never-Ending Rose Ceremony

Speaking of home, when last we left off we were moments away from finding out which of the men would live to black out on the beach another day and which of them would have to take their talents back to the DMs (honestly, where all of these barn animals belong). Up on the chopping block tonight we have: Aaron, Thomas, Karl, Connor, Ivan, Chris, and Chasen.

In my last recap, I alluded to there being an undercurrent of sexual tension between Aaron and Thomas, and I’m happy to report that, boy, is that tension still alive and thriving. They both claim that Tammy is the object of their affections and yet “Tammy” appears to only be a thinly veiled excuse for the two of them to bump chests and make heated eye contact on a secluded corner of the beach. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, boys. 

Aaron is pissed because he thinks Tammy should be happy with their relationship. I’m sorry but, “relationship” is a bit of a stretch. The two of you have built some sort of connection off of looking hot on beaches and agreeing to generally stand near each other when the cameras are in range. That’s not a relationship, that’s a business transaction. 

Meanwhile, Thomas has, like, actually shown physical interest in Tammy. I know because I yell “hands!!” and cover my eyes in disgust every time the two of them start to go at it on a day bed. Idk, Aaron. I feel like this is a you problem, not a Thomas problem. 

AARON: I can’t believe she would do this to me… I gave her EVERYTHING!!
ABC’S GREEK CHORUS: 

Also, let’s talk about Aaron’s behavior for a second. For someone who has built a reputation on this franchise as some sort of knight in shining armor, slayer of bad-intentioned men, and self-proclaimed “savior” of grown-ass women who have working eyes and ears and can look out for themselves just fine—he is acting like quiet the fuckboy this evening. 

Tammy tries to have a calm, adult conversation with him about her feelings for Thomas. Sure, she could have been more honest and upfront with Aaron, but they’ve been dating for five days. Get over it. Aaron, in turn, starts gaslighting the shit out of Tammy. He says that Tammy “straddled” Thomas in front of everyone, and the use of that term feels very strategic and slut-shamey to me. This has everything to do with him feeling embarrassed and hardly anything to do with his actual feelings toward Tammy. 

Look at the way he positions this conversation. It’s all about what Tammy did to him. She humiliated him. She made him a laughing stock. And then he ends the conversation with a threat: you will regret this. Yikes.

Our women’s ally, everyone! It’s good to know that we’ll have Aaron in our corner, fighting the good fight, so long as we continually pad his ego and never engage in consensual semi-sexual acts with people he tried to control us from interacting with in the first place. The women’s movement needs more support from guys like this, amiright?

The rest of the rose ceremony is pure chaos. While Aaron sends smoldering looks toward Thomas from across the bar, another love triangle plays out between Karl, Deandra, and Chasen. Both guys have set their sights on Deandra’s rose, and have decided that the best way to go about winning her affections is by gifting her with heinous jewelry. A bold move, Cotton. 

Meanwhile, Tre decides to take himself out of the rose ceremony completely and self-eliminate from Paradise, despite absolutely no one asking him to do so. Like… you already had… a rose…? He’s like “me and Tahzjuan just aren’t clicking” and it’s like, is it that you’re not “clicking” or is it that she “clicked” with your uncle first? What’s the truth, Tre!

TRE’S UNCLE RN:

By now, the rose ceremony has dragged on for approximately three quarters of this episode. ABC does love to punish their audience, but this feels particularly Promethean in nature. For those of you uncultured swine whose eyes just stumbled over that analogy, Prometheus was a figure in Greek mythology who was punished by Zeus for gifting man with fire. His punishment involved having his liver devoured by an eagle every day for all eternity. Replace “violent removal of entrails” with “listening to Aaron moan about his romantic prospects on loop”, and I’m feeling Prometheus’ pain. Honestly, I’d take the eagle. 

Let’s look at the results of the rose ceremony, shall we? The lineup goes as such:

Seniors Night

That’s right folks! You read that last line right. At the tail end of the rose ceremony, Becca Kufrin makes her triumphant return to the Bachelor franchise. Well, as triumphant as you can be slinking into Mexico to find love with franchise rejects after breaking off an engagement with someone who probably thinks QAnon theories “have merit.” Good luck to you, sweetie!

I guess I’m the only one who’s unimpressed, because everyone is acting like ABC just dropped a Hadid on the beach with them. The girls are like “it’s over for us hoes, Becca can have anyone here!” but they do realize that Becca is just a mall-person from Minnesota… right? I mean, for god’s sake, Tahzjuan took one look at Becca and hopped in a cab back to the airport. It’s madness! 

 

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I wonder if it has anything to do with her age. At 30, Becca is one of the oldest women here. Perhaps it’s that air of authority, that knowledge that Wells won’t question her I.D. at the bar, that makes her so attractive. Like how when you’re growing up you think your babysitter is the hottest person alive, but in reality she’s just an 11th grader with a penchant for scrunching her hair. Yeah, like that.

Tia Booth also returns to Paradise this week. The addition of Tia and Becca to the cast effectively raises the median age of female cast members from “basically 21” to “if I drink two margaritas I’m going to need a Tums.” I love this vibe. 

While Becca hits it off with Aaron (ew), Tia only seems to have eyes for Kenny and asks him to go on a date with her. Joe’s like, “I knew it, Kenny is very much her type.” Okay, but who would call that man their type? He’s not so much a “type” as the kind of person you can’t avoid once you cross state lines into Florida. 

DEMI: Life is hard when you’re dating the hottest guy on the beach
THE GUY: 

Seriously, WHAT is the appeal here?

If Demi thought she had reason to worry about Tia, just WAIT until she learns about the other three naked people on their date. While some couples get to go jet skiing or enjoy a romantic candlelit dinner, Tia and Kenny get to play nude volleyball with random beach people. Well, ABC is certainly creating a mood here (even if that mood is “y’all need Jesus”). 

The amount of times I’ve heard “labia” and “flaccid penis” in the last five minutes is making me want to soak my brain in bleach. Like, this isn’t even sexy! It’s a miserable day for a beach volleyball game, naked or not. You can tell it’s humid as hell and in a constant state of drizzling. Wet sand has got to be everywhere. The vibes on the beach now are less “second chance at love” and more “naked and afraid.”

What’s crazy is how easy it is for Kenny to talk Tia out of her top. All it takes is a wink and cajoling smile from a townie cover band manager and suddenly she’s throwing away her morals and bringing dishonor to her family’s good name. It’s a tale as old as time. 

DEMI: I’m not worried. She’s not as fun as me.
TIA: *flashes china pot* 

Tia! What will the prayer circle back home say??

Hurricane Kendall 

Most of tonight’s episode highlights the love story blossoming between Serena P and Joe. By “highlights” I mean they show a clip of Serena asking Joe what his last name was and we are to understand that this means they’re connecting on intimate levels. The bar is so low here. 

But of course, ABC would never just let people be happy. No, no, no. The second they sense Joe isn’t about to fling himself into the ocean from despair, they decide to bring him right back to the brink by calling in the big guns: Kendall. That’s right, KENDALL IS BACK, BITCHES. Question: Has Kendall always had that slamming body? Or did she bring it out just to torture Joe in this moment? 

JOE: I’ve finally moved on. I’m so happy.
KENDALL: Hey butthead.

HEY BUTTHEAD. HEY! BUTTHEAD!!!

Can you imagine being Serena P in this moment? And having to watch your new love interest get emotionally ruined after his ex shows up and greets him with a third grader’s slur? 

I’ll be on the edge of my seat until next week!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; @bitchelorette_ /Instagram (1); @floridaman_ /Twitter (1); Giphy (2)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Dean’s Got The Van Running

Hello, Bachelor Nation! I think we’re in the bad place. We all survived a long weekend of drinking and debauchery only to be rewarded with writing a recap of a show where people are snotting out their spicy margaritas. Just me? Fine, you enjoy, I’ll suffer. Shall we get on with it?

Last night on Bachelor in Paradise, Derek eliminated himself because no one will ever love him wahhh wahhh wahhh, Old Matt Donald and Nick Viall’s pre-plastic surgery doppelganger showed up, and JPJ cried over Tayshia.

It’s the morning and Blake shows up to the bar, super confused that Derek left. Where were you when Papa gathered all the kiddies around his knee to tell them his bad news, Blake? Stealing a producer’s phone to DM future Bachelor contestants?

Blake tells us that he feels like he’s “burned” bridges with every woman here. Those quotes were his own. I do not think Blake knows how to use air quotes. I’ll be adding this to the list of grievances I have on him. We’re on to page two.

JPJ is still distressed about Tayshia and is seeking counseling from everyone. Chris B is not a therapist just because he’s old, John! This is a man who competed on the god-forsaken Bachelor Pad. I’m not even confident he has a high school education. Do not trust him!

Chris and Katie are talking about taking their relationship to the next level, and good for them, but I totally forgot they were a thing. But why is he dressed like Huckleberry Finn?

JPJ decides it’s time to talk to Tayshia after everything that happened between them. She says she needs him to trust her and not to question her, and he agrees and is this what it looks like when someone is hypnotized? Because JPJ seems very out of it. Tayshia also tells the audience that she can’t see him long-term. So I guess she just wanted to hypnotize him into sleeping with her, and then keep a lock of his hair in her memory box to sniff and reminisce when she’s old and gray.

Guys, Clay is in his feelings about Angela. He says that it’s hard for him to watch his ex hanging out with other men, but that he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore. His face tells a different story.

Chase from JoJo’s season shows up. I guess he wasn’t able to find love on the countless other reality shows he’s frequented since JoJo dumped his ass. He claims he’s into Angela, they had a good time at the wedding, and he’d like to get to know her better. Does this actually happen? Because anyone I’ve ever had a good time at a wedding with seems to have joined witness protection.

Chase gets a date card and immediately invites Angela. Clay throws up in his mouth, chokes it down, and claims he’s totally not jealous! He seems very stressed about the idea that he has to continue to see his ex dating, and says he didn’t sign up for this. I would say you should learn to read your contract a little closer, sweetie, because I’m pretty sure ABC puts “we live to f*ck up your life” over and over in the fine print.

Okay Clay is OBSESSED with Angela. He continues to talk about her. If I have to hear her name out of his mouth one more time I swear I’m shutting this TV off right now! And then turning it directly back on because I’m sure you all would burn me at the stake for missing this recap! But I would turn it off for a second! And then rewind the parts I missed! I’m so mad!

On their date, Chase asks Angela how she feels about her “ex on the beach” right now and he’s definitely confused about what show he’s on. Chase, honey, you WERE on Ex on the Beach, a show so atrocious not even me, queen of garbage, could make it through a season. THIS is Bachelor in Paradise. Work the correct name into casual conversation, or stop going on trashy reality dating shows. Your choice.

Blake is contemplating life, love, and what his mom is doing right now, when it dawns on him that he wants to be with Kristina. He says they’ve never been all in on each other, which must feel real nice for Kristina coming from a guy she f*cked, but that he wants to give it a try now. She asks him if they can continue this conversation tomorrow to see if he still feels this way, and by that I assume she means to see if he sleeps with Caelynn tonight.

Oh we’re headed to a rose ceremony. I forgot what these were like. Oh, Chris Harrison. I forgot what he was like. Oh yes, he’s a sassy b*tch, love you Chris!

Sydney asks Matt if he likes her and if he wants to kiss her.

Matt:

Okay Matt, it’s cute that you’re shy, but this is a dating show! Someone get this man 11 tequila shots. Wells?! Where you at?

Oh GOD, now even Chris has to give Matt a talking to. So last season he was forced to explain to Colton which hole it goes in, and now he has to coax a grown man into using a little tongue. I imagine Chris just walks around mumbling “I’m too old for this sh*t” all day long.

JPJ is giving Matt Donald the most action he’s seen on this show when he towels him down to get all the sweat off him. Once Matt is fully dried off, he heads over to Sydney to give us the cringiest makeout scene of all time. I watched it through my fingers and that was still too much of this.

“My mom is going to kill me.” I’m sorry, but doesn’t his mom know what this show is? Just because she’s deaf doesn’t mean she hasn’t heard about the trash that is Bachelor in Paradise, Matty. She knows you might put your tongue in someone else’s mouth. SHE KNOWS.

Clay decides to confront Angela, because he’s totally not still hung up on her, and says he wants to get things out in the open. The only thing I’m getting out of this conversation is that they disagreed on the amount of time a person should spend in the gym. I’m with Angela on this one—four hours a day is too much time for a person to spend anywhere other than on the couch binge watching old episodes of Criminal Minds. You’re a sick man, Clay.

Blake and Kristina have another serious conversation, and he asks her to give him a chance. She is skeptical because she has met him.

Oh wow, I forgot it was a rose ceremony again. I really never remember that there is a purpose to these shows other than to punish me for wishing my coworker’s children that are running around the office all day will trip on something.

The women have the roses tonight, and it goes as such:

Nicole picks Clay

Angela picks Chase

Kristian picks Demi

Hannah picks Dylan

Katie picks Chris

Haley picks Luke

Caelynn picks Connor

Sydney picks Matt

Tayshia picks JPJ

Kristina picks Blake

This means Mike has to go, which is a bummer for everyone, because even though Mike calls women his “queen” and says things like “it’s beautiful you say that,” he’s a freaking catch.

The next day, Kristina and Blake are talking about their future and what’s going to happen between them. He says if a new girl walks down the stairs, he doesn’t think that anyone would go on a date. And it appears he spoke too soon, because Bri shows up and Blake looks like if he had access to a genie, he would wish he could take the last 48 hours back.

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G’day, @bri_ashbarnes! Have heaps of fun in paradise ?? #BachelorInParadise

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Bri pulls Blake aside and asks him to chat. His genie is working! Oh, apparently they met at the wedding too. Was this a wedding or a f*cking meat market? I’m convinced no vows were exchanged and this was just one giant orgy.

Blake asks Kristina to chat. He tells her that he did talk to Bri at the wedding, but that he turned down the date because he knows what he wants. And that’s to not have Kristina sever his genitals with her bare hands tonight.

Bri asks Matt if he would like to go on the date with her, and I think she’s going to be disappointed when she finds out what a prude he is.

Bri and Matt go surfing. Matt seems pleased with the distance these waves afford them. I think he’s hoping he’ll drown before he has to tell his mother he kissed another girl on national TV.

OH WOW. Matty has no problems getting it up for Bri! He definitely wasn’t thinking of his mom right now. Or maybe he was…

Hannah and Dylan start talking about life after Paradise.

Hannah: I can move to Cali and we can go on walks and be normal
Dylan: and we can wear cut off sweatshirts
Me:

Does Dylan remind anyone else of Tom Sandoval?

Caelynn tells Hannah that she and Connor are “going to the boom boom room” tonight. I really feel like all my trashy reality shows are being mixed into one large heap of garbage. Caelynn also says that she completely forgot about Dean, and she’s happy she didn’t end up with him. So naturally Dean’s about to come in like a wrecking ball.

Dean walks down the beach, mustache free, as if a quick shave will help redeem his awful personality. He immediately asks Caelynn if they can talk for a sec.

Oh good, he is giving Caelynn a full recap of what happened between them. Dean. This whole filming process is like nine days. She remembers. We remember.

He says he rented a car and drove to the Grand Canyon? Isn’t the point of living in your van the fact that you can drive it? In fact, you can drive it right off that cliff if you want!

Caelynn says it’s easy with Connor, and Dean says “who the f*ck wants easy?” I raise my hand alone in my apartment.

Caelynn is torn between her precious eighth grade graduate and the man who until recently had a pervy mustache and celebrates half birthdays. It’s a tough choice, I’ll give her that.

Dean says he needs to stop running from the good things in his life and he’d like to figure it out with Caelynn. He wants her to leave Paradise with him today. Why must it be today? Did he leave the van running?

Next week, Caelynn must make her very own Sophie’s Choice, and Paradise will mercifully come to an end. Can’t wait to see who pretends to get engaged!

Images: ABC; bGiphy (3); Immortal Illustrated Classics; bachelorinparadise/Instagram

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: JPJ Is Officially On Our Sh*t List

Welcome back to the best Bachelor in Paradise recap you’ll ever read! For those of you who thought ABC would give us a brief reprieve from the grueling four-hour-a-week schedule of this godforsaken show just because of a little thing like a national holiday, well think again bitch! If there’s one thing I know about the good people over at ABC, it’s that they do their best work when their audience is more sleep deprived and sunburnt than the contestants. In fact, I am force-feeding myself wine as we speak, even though I’ve spent the last 72 hours guzzling White Claw and now the mere smell of alcohol sends a cold chill down my spine. But ya know, how else are we to tolerate Nicole’s sad desperation? Onward!

Last week, Krystal and The Goose got married, Dean dumped Caelynn for his van, Angela and Clay had a moment, and we found out that John Paul Jones, like, hates our podcast or something. Which brings us to this week: we open with Nicole telling the cameras that dating a man for three weeks has changed her entire outlook on life. That is a bold statement considering the most personal thing she knows about Clay is how many reps he can do with her sitting on his back while drinking a margarita.

Cue Angela walking into Paradise. Angela gets a date card and it basically says: “Angela, get ready to throw a grenade on the scraps of happiness your ex has happened to find here.” Chris Harrison, you petty bastard.

I love that Clay is so appalled that the producers would do this to him. He’s like, “why would Angela just show up when she knows I’m here and dating other people?” Like, dude, the producers were literally rubbing their hands together and cackling when they thought of this plotline. Of course they did this to you!! You’re lucky they didn’t also ruin your credit score and make Angela start a rumor about you having herpes.

Nicole declares that she is ready to fight for this relationship and that Clay is her boyfriend and that Angela weighs one pound. Look, these are things I mumble to myself about Tyler C and Gigi Hadid every time TMZ sends me an update about their relationship, but that doesn’t make those true statements, Nicole!! She goes to confront Angela, and guys, if the only fights we see this season are over a piñata and Clay I’m officially hanging myself.

NICOLE: Clay is MY man.
ANGELA: Honey, I’m just here to ruin his life. Chill.

Well, at least she’s honest!

No one is more upset about the potential breakup of Nicole and Clay’s relationship than Tayshia. It’s almost as if she’s focusing all of her energy on another person’s relationship so she doesn’t have to choose between an age-appropriate, decent guy with whom she could have a real connection, and a guy with really nice hair.

Tayshia goes “I’m praying for them to work out” and it’s like, really? Out of all the things in this broken world, this is what you pray for, Tayshia?

Angela chooses Mike for her date and this choice feels specifically calculated to make Clay drown himself in the ocean. I’m so proud of you, Ang!!

They go on their date and Mike is GRILLING her about Clay. He’s like “did Clay shatter your heart? Are you still emotionally devastated? Did you know he didn’t even really love you?” MIKE. This is not how you woo a lady! This is how you get a lady to set fire to everything a man knows and loves, mmkay? The fragile state of her emotions seems to be working for Mike, though, because they immediately start making out.

Moving on to our other love triangle of the evening: Hot Twin, JPJ, and Tayshia. Hot Twin declares that she has a massive crush on JPJ, and now that makes two women who have used the words “intelligence” and “John Paul Jones” in the same sentence. I’m officially concerned.

JPJ calls Derek an overgrown frat boy, and that feels a little like the beer calling the pong table black. I mean JPJ has been mimicking Keanu Reeves’ voice from Point Break the entire time he’s been on screen, but somehow Derek is the fraud??

HOT TWIN: I thought we had an instant connection?
JPJ: We did! Of course we did. I just never expected you…to be funny or very smart, you know?

And this is the master wordsmith sweeping ladies off their feet all over Mexico??

Hot Twin keeps saying how she doesn’t get the whole “Tayshia thing” but I feel like she’s really trying to say “I don’t get why he likes her now that I’m here.” I see what she means though. If a former Vegas shot girl can’t find a man to give her a few beautiful weeks on a Mexican beach and a possible UTI afterwards, then what hope is there for the rest of us?? Then again, she is down one twin. Perhaps they aren’t as powerful apart as they are when they’re together.

JPJ tells Hot Twin that Derek never should have meddled in their business and that he’s just manipulating Tayshia, and this is truly rich as he’s telling all of this to the girl he himself is manipulating. Okay, I am LIVING for Demi’s reactions in the corner. Her face is screaming “thank god I don’t date men anymore.”

HOT TWIN: I thought I’d have a good time here but I’d rather be home with my dogs.

I’D RATHER BE HOME WITH MY DOGS. HAHAHAHA. I’ve had that exact thought while online dating, followed quickly by, “if he asks me to add him on Snapchat again I will be suicidal.”

JPJ tells Hot Twin not to put her emotions or feelings on him, even though his actions directly caused her to feel this way. He sends her off with a “be a big girl” and a brisk pat on the back, and if I were him I would sleep with one eye open from now on. Or else he might wake up floating on his mattress in the ocean somewhere off the coast of Mexico…

Hot Twin asks Blake why men are always such pieces of sh*t and Blake looks as if he’s wondering if now is a good time to try and sleep with her.

Haley: men ain’t shit

Blake: #bachelorinparadise pic.twitter.com/A3NuUGZT7Z

— thebachelornationstation (@thebachelornat2) September 3, 2019

Meanwhile, Wells is like “do you think that went well? Because from here it looked like a train wreck.” Wells is not wrong here. JPJ insists that it did, indeed, go pretty good, and I swear I saw Wells pretend to zip his lips and then go back to skeptically shaking his 500th skinny margarita of the summer.

To make matters worse, Derek tries to reignite his feud with JPJ by asking if he can “talk things out” with him. Okay, I feel like the producers must have put Derek up to this, because why else would he bring this sh*t up AGAIN?

JPJ accuses Derek once again of using his fame to sleep with women on social media and it’s like, are there receipts to back up this claim or…? Because I need to see more evidence. As someone who has slid into his DMs a time or six, I know from experience that he doesn’t answer every girl’s DMs so…

As they continue to bicker, the camera cuts to Tayshia, who looks like she would rather sleep with a sea urchin at this point than either one of them. I’m sure when she pictured her time on Paradise, she envisioned making out in a hot tub or sensual massages, but probably not being the center point of a fight where one man maniacally laughs and the other defends his podcast. Tough break, kid!

Old Matt Donald and Luke S. show up in Paradise next, and the producers give them a double date because they had to tighten the budget somewhere, so it might as well be for these two. The single ladies perk up at the thought of fresh meat on the island. Hot Twin is convinced that Old Matt Donald will be into her and Tayshia is just looking for someone to help smuggle her out of Mexico at this point before either of her suitors notice. Much to their dismay, they ask Kristina and Sydney out instead.

They shouldn’t feel too upset about their misfortune, because the foursome are set loose at a Mexican restaurant. I know, I know. Mexican in Mexico? Groundbreaking. For their date they’re forced to drink spicy margaritas, which appear to be less spicy and more just straight up poisonous. I love when production tortures the contestants under the guise of them “deepening connections.” It truly sparks joy in me.

Okay, the margaritas are certainly the only thing spicy about this date. Kristina is practically in the splash zone with how sweaty Luke S is and Old Matt Donald is acting like he’s never gotten within three feet of a woman before. He’s like “I want to kiss Sydney but also I have to think about my mother.”

MATT:

If you think a chaste kiss after dinner is bad, then just wait until production catches you three margs deep, straddling a stranger on a daybed! There’s always more room to bring dishonor to your family on this beach.

JPJ pulls Tayshia aside and tells her he feels “dis-ease” about their relationship, and then starts crying hysterically. That’s the Harvard-level intelligence at work right there, ladies!!

While Tayshia doesn’t seem to know how she feels about JPJ, she does know that she’s not into Derek anymore, and so she breaks up with him. She’s like “I thought that I was into you but then I thought nah.” So eloquent with her words! Look at that, folks, we’ve got another poet in the house!!

After getting dumped, Derek heads solemnly over to the bar and asks everyone to please gather close as he has some bad news to share. Okay Derek, you don’t have cancer, you just have a personality that is unattractive to women. Must we get this dramatic? Wave goodbye and get on your complimentary flight home for Christ’s sake.

And that’s all for tonight, folks! See you tomorrow for night two of this hellscape disguised as a reality TV show.

Images: Giphy (4); @thebachelornat2 /twitter (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Yet Another Kristian Shows Up

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Hello, Bachelor Nation! We have made it to night two, and for that we are rewarded with nothing except two hours of our lives being stripped away to watch Blake complain how he hasn’t gotten his dick wet yet this whole time. Sighs. So let’s dive right in! If I’m remembering correctly through the wine haze, last night a piñata got two men kicked off the show, Clay won Nicole by default, Hannah half-heartedly picked Dylan over Blake, and Demi continued to talk about how conflicted she is over her feelings.

We open on Demi requesting an audience with Chris Harrison. He comes to her, naturally, because we all know she’s really in charge here. I’m surprised he isn’t required to bow to her.

Demi comes clean to Chris and tells him that she’s been seeing a woman named Kristian back home. Chris pretends to sit there thoughtfully, but is wondering if Demi is really confessing her love to him, and using a fake, but similar, name. Demi continues to get a free therapy session out of Chris, as she tells him that she thought the closer she got to Derek, the more she would be over Kristian, but that’s not what happened. Chris nods his head and, again, pretends to sit there thoughtfully, as he actually mentally calculates how much overtime he is getting for this. Chris tells Demi he supports her no matter what, and then scampers off to collect his check.

Demi continues to be conflicted, and I honestly don’t know what else I can say about except to literally quote myself from the last two weeks?

How about this one: “Everyone keeps saying that Demi and Derek are this perfect couple, but apparently she isn’t sure how she is feeling about him. Demi is stressing about telling him that she had been dating a woman back home…”

Or this one: “During the cocktail party, Demi pulls Derek aside because she wants to explain what’s up with her. She tells him that the reason she has been evading his questions is because she has been casually dating a woman and she has been worried about it…”

I’ve even bored myself. Can we sh*t or get off the pot here? Bring me Kristian!

Back at the bar, Wells asks Blake how he feels about Caitlin.

BLAKE:

Ladies, the single men of America! This is what we have left for us! You’re a gorgeous girl with a GREAT name, giving a f*ckboy who cries too much and has an unhealthy attachment to his mother the time of day, and when HE is asked about YOU all he can do is muster up a shrug. Shall we make the suicide pact now?

Kristina steals Blake, and this is where I have to say I hate Kristina. She says she gave Blake her rose to torment him, but then she continues to pursue him, and still claims it’s all to ruin his life. Honey, you are not an evil mastermind. An evil mastermind is someone who put real creamer in the almond milk creamer just to watch Kathy in HR run to the bathroom every morning at 10:05. Should’ve approved my PTO days, bitch. Until then, we all know you still want him.

Oh boy. Just when I was beginning to be a fan of the way Caitlin was handling herself with Kristina she has to go and say “Women should respect women.” Nooooooooooo! They are fighting over a MAN and she’s trying to pull the female empowerment card? And not even a good man like Keanu Reeves, we’re talking about pond scum. Save the “women respect women” thing for when you want your mom to cover your credit card bill, Caitlin.

Elsewhere, Katie and Chris are having an awkward conversation about new girls coming in, and she says “do whatever you want to do.” Chris says “really” and the answer is “obviously not you f*cking moron” but Katie just says, “yeah.” And this, my friends, is what we in the biz call foreshadowing.

In walks Jen Saviano, who Dean claims is one of the most attractive women ever, and I hate to burst his bubble and tell him she was created in a plastic surgeon’s wet dream, but here I am! Bursting bubbles!

Caelynn tells us that Blake was talking to Jen while he was ghosting her because of course he was. Is there anyone on planet earth that Blake was not DMing? Like, I’m about to check with my Mom right now.

Katie is freaking out that she told Chris to go on whatever dates he wants, as she should, because he just said yes to a date with Jen.

Chris pulls Katie aside to tell her that he’s going on the date because “he would have liked her to have said she would cut off her arm for him.” That’s the kind of drama I’m looking for in a relationship too, Chris! Cut off your arm for me! Give me a vial of your blood for around my neck! Let me keep you in a box under my bed! I’m in. Call me.

Chris and Jen go on a boat, and he is “applying sunscreen,” and I’m nervous for her next skin cancer screening because this seems more like a sensual massage, and you really need to be vigilant with these things.

Chris and Jen are on rocky waters, literally. That is not me flexing my creative writing skills in a recap of the third-most popular show in a reality franchise. Chris throws up over the edge, and we are only on week three and now we’ve already seen two men puke their brains out. Can’t wait to see who’s next! *Please let it be Blake, please let it be Blake, please let it be BLAKE.*

The date basically ends there, because for some reason there was no night portion to this date. Chris decides to make up for the puking and plan a date when they get back home. He walks in and doesn’t even look at Katie. Dun dun dun.

Okay so the part of the date that Chris “planned” is laying on a bed and drinking champagne that I’m sure someone else uncorked. Such a sweet effort! I hope it also involved some teeth brushing because that’s all I can think about during this close-talking sesh.

Chris says that he thinks Jen is witty and has great one liners and then she says “why don’t we get in some calm waters” in reference to the hot tub, so I’m wondering if that’s what he meant by witty? Because if those are his standards for funny than you can call me Robin F*cking Williams.

Chris and Jen make out in the calm waters and I’m still wondering about the teeth brushing, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Production, give the people what we want! Show us the dental hygiene scene! Is that toothbrush electric, or manual?!

We cut to the beach where Nicole has composed a song for Clay.

NICOLE: I want you in my tummy
ME:

Chris takes Katie aside to tell her about the date. Katie tells him she was basically self-sabotaging when she said he could go on a date, and that she only wants to be with him. I think. I can barely hear anything over the sound of the waves. Did they blow their sound budget on Chris Harrison’s personal masseuse again?

Oh guys, update. Apparently Sydney and Mike are still there. I swear, vomit has gotten more screen time than they have.

Derek continues to talk about his trouble with Demi, and can someone PLEASE put me out of my misery and have this mysterious Kristian show up already? I only like this much talking about something if it’s me bitching about my coworkers.

Chris Harrison shows up to see Demi and she gives him a big hug, and I just get the feeling she’s sneaking into his room at night for some AC, chick flicks, and good old fashioned gossip. She’s clearly the favorite. Be on the lookout for matching pajamas.

Chris tells Demi that they’ve done something to help her make her decision. He points upstairs and there is Kristian, I presume. Demi cries and hugs and kisses her, and I would like to do the same because something is finally HAPPENING.

Demi fills Kristian in on her relationship with Derek, and Kristian seems upset they hooked up. I’m confused about where she thought Demi was going? Even my grandma knows everyone goes to Paradise to bang, and she gets spoon-fed jello for dinner every night. Demi tells Kristian that the second that she saw her in Paradise she knew that she wanted to be with her. Poor Derek. He never even had a chance.

Demi pulls Derek aside to rip his heart out on an air mattress that was haphazardly thrown on the sand. She tells him that Kristian is here now and that when she got here, she knew her heart was with Kristian. AND OMG. They are not making Demi go home?!!?!?!? She is pursuing her relationship with Kristian here!

How I imagine this idea came to be behind the scenes:

BACHELOR PRODUCERS:

BACHELOR PRODUCERS, AGAIN:

And so it was.

Derek is sad. It’s okay Derek. It’s Britney, Betch’s DM is still festering in your inbox if you would like attention from a new tiny blonde, but with a worse attitude.

Now that Derek is alone, he’s crying about how everyone says he’s a great guy, and why won’t anyone ever love him, and the same thing happens to him every time. Oh for f*ck’s sake Derek, this is not my therapists office. And even if it was, Diane wouldn’t stand for this amount of self pity. Buck up, walk into any bar in America as the tall, handsome man you are (who still has all his hair), and find a girl to take home. You’ll be fine. K? Good talk.

Derek and Kristian meet and are both very nice to each other, because I guess they saw last night what happens when you fight on this show. Sad that a piñata inspired more rage and passion in two people than Demi did, but what can you do? Those things are filled with candy.

Demi tells Kristian that Paradise is the perfect place to fall in love and asks her to stay. I’m sorry, the perfect place to fall in love? Are we sure we’re thinking of the same place? Paradise might be the perfect place to develop a strange itch on your genitals, but to fall in love? Kristian agrees to stay, and I fear she’s being misled.

Demi brings Kristian to meet everyone. Blake is confused because he has never seen this woman before, and he didn’t have the chance to DM her before she got there! He’s calling up his Mommy to cry about it as we speak. It’s not fair!

Demi explains who Kristian is and says they’re staying in Paradise together. Everyone is happy for them, and boy are they going to ruin you, Kristian. Behind the scenes, Hannah is crying over Demi and Kristian’s true love, mustering up more emotion for a woman she met this afternoon than she has this whole season for the man that would sell his kidney on the black market to get salami for her charcuterie board.

Demi and Kristian immediately get a date card because in his past life, Chris Harrison was a sociopath who enjoyed manipulating the pain of other human beings for his own pleasure. Or in this life. Sorry, Derek!

Kristian tells Demi she could never go through something like this again and Demi tells her that she wants to do whatever she needs to do to be with Kristian. They say they love each other. And it would all be so sweet if I could hear any sort of passion through Kristian’s relentless monotone.

And that’s all, friends! I’ll see you next week for some more grown man tears and vomit!

Images: ABC; Giphy (5)

Kamil, Blink Twice If You Need Help: Diggy Moreland On ‘Bachelor In Paradise’

Welp, it’s the last week on the beach! People are tired of swimming, tan lines are way too prevalent, but most importantly, I’m starting to see the same outfits twice. Let’s recap the last week on Bachelor in Paradise for these lovebirds.

Episode 10 kicks off with Shu stating that she’s a good witch. *RECORD SCRATCH* Pick a side, Shu. One day you say you’re not a witch, the next day you’re plugging your broom in to charge. Either way, our minds are made up: You definitely thrive on October 31st.

John finds a date card for American Jordan and Jenna. Jordan, on a date? What could it be? Another f*cking photoshoot. Ever wonder where they get the photos that are already in the frames when you buy them? Stupid shoots like this, that’s where.

Midway through the shoot, they split up to go get changed. Jordan finds a tuxedo, and Jenna has a wedding dress to match. IT. JUST. GOT. REAL. Like a Krispy Kreme with no “Hot Doughnuts Now” sign, Jenna has her doubts. Jordan says something to her about how seeing her on the steps made his heart tingle and that she’s awesome. She buys it, they continue to take more pics only to be used for a good #TBT in 2020.

Then, we get a new arrival on Paradise, Robby Hayes. Don’t worry, within 10 seconds he lets you know about his social media status. Literally, the only people happy to see Robby were me (he owes me money) and the mosquitoes (FRESH MEAT).

He talks to all the girls, and coincidentally, they all have to wash their hair on the same day, so no one is available. Robby tries to entice Jenna to accompany him on a date, but American Jordan threatens to punch Robby in his poof, and deciding it’s not worth it, Robby backs off. Shu momentarily breaks the Kamil trance and says yes to the date with Robby. (Kamil, you can now breathe…if Annaliese isn’t already doing that for you.)

This Shu/Robby date looks pretty miserable, to be honest. I’ve seen more chemistry in the Jiffy Lube waiting room. Robby looks like he’d rather be anywhere else and Shu spends the whole date trying to cast a spell to transform Robby into Kamil. They spend the end of the date dancing, and somehow, with no music, end up offbeat.

New Zealand Jordan is back on the beach, being cautious with Cassandra as they feed each other desserts. (Translation: He’s on a one-way ticket to the friend zone and there are NO refunds). Cassandra is pissed because she’s sick of the only tongue in her mouth being hers, and New Zealand Jordan realizes kissing girls makes him feel good. Have y’all seen Cassandra’s lips? All I’m saying is you wouldn’t have to ask me twice…

Grocery Store Joe and Kendall start to have some lighthearted, but serious convos, and like Michael Jackson, Kendall begins to moonwalk. She says she wants “to sleep on it.” Last time a girl told me she wanted to “sleep on it,” she lit my Peyton Manning Jersey on fire (and NO I’M NOT STILL BITTER). Let’s hope she doesn’t wake up.

Rose ceremony time and everything is pretty much settled except for the Olivia/John/Diggy triangle. Diggy tries to recreate the romance from his date with Olivia by bringing back the same trumpet player to serenade them in hopes of surviving another day to get the opportunity to wear more outfits on the beach. John tries to counter by whispering sweet nothings in her ear: “If you don’t pick me, you’ll have to use PayPal… forever!”

Kendall and Joe pick up where their awkward conversation left off. She said she feels “we” were talking about being exclusive because “we” had to. What’s all this “we” talk? When did you start speaking French? Joe has had his tongue down your throat licking your spine since day two and you’re STILL confused. Joe says he has fruit to pick, and bounces. Kendall says: “Damn, that’s my ride!” and she leaves too. At this point, only one rose is up for grabs and it’s Olivia’s.

Rose ceremony goes as follows:

Welp, this proves Venmo really is greater than PayPal. Diggy is sent packing with all the tags on his new gear he didn’t get to wear. Don’t worry, he didn’t go home alone. He was serenaded by the same trumpet player that backfired on him. (Had Diggy been thinking, he would’ve grabbed Kendall and said: “Hey I know you’re upset, but can I holla at you for a sec?”)

The next day, Chris shows up dressed like a Miami Vice extra and says it’s REAL DECISION TIME! John and Olivia decide that if it was a real date, they’d definitely go dutch, so no fantasy suites for them. New Zealand Jordan said he liked the friend zone, so he and Cassandra left as pen pals. Robby tells Shu she doesn’t have enough followers for him, so they leave as buds.

Annaliese has ALREADY made the decision for her and Kamil, so the fact that they’re having this conversation is a formality. She pretty much cocks a gun and says: “We’re doing this right?” Kamil nods in agreement, eyes wide with fear.

Chris and Krystal are both on the same page, and something about what they’re going to do in their hotel room tells me there will DEFINITELY be incidentals.

Kevin and Astrid catch us all off guard. Kevin says, “there are things about you and I that I’ve masked.” Astrid isn’t trying to date Batman, so she’s out, and Kevin cries because the sand is too hot to go anywhere and he’s stuck there.

That leaves us with three couples hitting fantasy suites: American Jordan and Jenna, Kamil and Annaliese, and Chris and Krystal. Going into the night, I know one thing: Chris-tal is going to need a safeword. My suggestion: PINEAPPLES!

Episode 11 is historically the BEST episode of the series, and this one doesn’t disappoint. We get engagements, heartbreak, and most importantly, people get to return the clothes they borrowed when they meet up at the reunion.

The finale starts off with Kamil and Annaliese waking up from a night of cuddling and ghost stories in a king size bed. They later meet on the beach to finalize their time in Paradise, in what we expect to be a romantic exchange. WRONG! Annaliese pretty much tells Kamil: “If you don’t propose to me now, I’m putting two bullets in your chest.” Kamil stands up for himself finally and says: “I have a bulletproof vest, shoot away.” No proposal was given, and Annaliese still loves him anyway.

Next up: Jordan and Jenna. Jenna is dressed like Belle from Beauty & the Beast, but it somehow works for her. The entire time Jordan smiles and looks like he’s ready to participate in his first purge. They both give their commencement speeches, and it results in Jordan getting on one knee to ask her: “You gonna help me sell fit tea on Instagram, or nah?” She says: “Yes, for the rest of our lives.” Boom, they’re engaged.

Last, and absolutely least: Chris and Krystal. We start with them the morning after they’ve used their safe word several times. Fast forward to the beach scene. Chris is dressed like he’s about to go on a seven-city comeback tour, and he tells Krystal: “I need help restoring my credit score, and I can only do it with your help.” Krystal is easily amused by shiny things, so she agrees to it.

Okay, back to the juicy stuff…the ACTUAL reunion. John and Olivia end post-show because he’s never done a long-distance relationship. BREAKING NEWS: He’s now dating Chelsea…who lives in Maine…and John lives in San Fran. Not a geography major, but you LITERALLY can’t get any farther apart. Sorry, Olivia, Diggy was probably the better choice since he lives in your own city.

Eric and Angela fought it out. Eric mentions that he was put in the friend zone, and Angela replies: “I don’t let friends put their tongue in my mouth.” If the tongue is “ALL IN” in my mouth, then we’re together. This tiff is followed up by a clash between American Jordan and Benoit about who has the better beard. It’s a tie, you both lose.

Tia and Colton finally hash it out, and they finally realize the only thing they have in common is that they both breathe oxygen and cry watching NBC’s This Is Us.

Flaming Hot Seat Time! We start with the beautiful Astrid. Kevin comes out dressed like Canadian Zorro, gives her a sad song and dance about how he left his jacket with Ashley I. in Winter Games, and that was the reason he wasn’t all there in Paradise. My man is from Canada, where it’s cold in the winter. If he loses a jacket, YOU DON’T JUST GET OVER THAT! Astrid tells him to move to Florida with her where you don’t need jackets. He agrees because he’s tired of living with his mom, and boom, Kevin and Astrid are a thing again.

Kendall approaches the hot seat, hoping not to get burned too much for hurting America’s Grocer. Kendall realizes she made a mistake and flies to Chicago for the deep dish, and not just the pizza. (Side Note: I live right down the street, and they didn’t ask if I wanted any. Rude!) She has a heart-to-heart with Joe, and he pretty much says: “I’m not sure where my love is now, but I think it might be at the bottom of my Instagram DMs. Let me get back to you.” But, he has a soft spot for taxidermy, so he takes her back. Also, since he’s going to be in LA for Dancing With the Stars he might as well have a girlfriend.

Annaliese is up next to talk about how she breathes for her and Kamil. She mentions how Kamil is ready to propose, but not right now. You sure about that? Let’s double check with him. Kamil, you ready to propose?

Kamil: HELLLL NO. My match rate on Bumble is 100% right now, and I can’t give that up.
*Cue Annaliese Tears*

She tells John to send Kamil a Venmo request for the flights, AirBnBs, and decorative soaps that she bought for him since it’s OVER.

Jordan and Jenna take the hot seats next, talking about how they love Carebears and dolphins, and other obvious things. We see video of them making a vision board, but my vision for this couple? A lot of hyphenated names in this future because I see TWO HUGE EGOS.

We round out the last of the Paradise couples by getting an update on Chris-tal. Chris starts crying immediately, mostly because he realizes that due to running around chasing crazy Krystal, his cholesterol is lower. He’s also saving money on his car insurance. (The two are unrelated.) Chris gives a speech about how Krystal has made him a better man by having him shower more often, and he thanks her for it. The two villains worked out…now they can make babies that will terrorize us on Season 24 on BIP.

Welp, it’s been real! Love is in the air and two couples are engaged. Don’t invite me to the wedding, just the reception. Please and thanks. Next up? Colton’s Tears. Excuse me, I meant The Bachelor. Damn, autocorrect.

Images: Giphy (7)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Finale Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Last Day Of Amanda’s Childless Vacation

Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen & subscribe here!

Well fam, we did it. We made it to the finale of Bachelor in Paradise and all it took was one sex ed class from Chris Harrison, a crudely mishandled sexual assault allegation, the downfall of Dean, and more scallop jokes than were really necessary. BUT WE FUCKING DID IT. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the process and my liver has definitely taken a hit here, but I guess I’ll do anything for The Bachelor cause to watch reality TV rejects fornicate on a Mexican beach, even if it jeopardizes my health and wellness. It’s important to know yourself.

Side note: I have now convinced my roommate—and her German friends from out of town staying with us this week—to watch this show. I’m really making strides with US-German relations here. Just call me a fucking ambassador.

Anyway, the episode starts with Chris Harrison emulating my mother when she inquires about my love life at massive family gatherings asking the remaining cast members to define their relationships. He’s really taking his responsibility as host to the next fucking level.

What's The 411

^^Actual footage of Chris Harrison in Paradise rn

Dean looks legitimately terrified at the thought of marriage even though barely three months ago he was going to PROPOSE to Rachel. Whatever.

Lol I love how Chris just dips after dropping this truth bomb. Like, if you want to stay in Mexico and have semi-decent accommodations with free WiFi and actual walls for your room then you’ll need to 100 percent commit to this person you’ve been dry-humping all summer. Can’t wait to watch these people implode under that kind of pressure.

So let me get this straight. Basically their choices are: go on a date to figure out what they are, leave as a couple, or get engaged? That’s what you’re telling me rn? ABC, have you SEEN the men you forced these dime pieces to socialize with? Have you?!

Tickle Monster

Jesus Christ. I rest my fucking case.

Lacey is the first one on the chopping block to be vulnerable. She asks Daniel if he’ll go on this date with her so they can continue to see where this blight upon humanity relationship goes. I’m watching this whole interaction and all I can think is, Daniel has all the makings of someone that should be attractive but yet instead makes me want to rip my fingernails off and claw my eyes out with the bloody stumps. Ya know?

LACEY: I’m really, really, REALLY desperate enjoying my time with you. Will you go on this date with me?

DANIEL: I’m not done with you yet. You still haven’t seen the fireworks in my pants.

ME: 

Threw Up In My Mouth

Jack Stone goes next. He pulls Christen aside and asks her to be his girlfriend because apparently this is the eighth fucking grade. Seriously though, am I watching Bachelor in Paradise or an episode of Degrassi? It’s honestly hard to tell.

JACK STONE: I want to leave Mexico holding hands with you.

CHRISTEN: lol

Christen LOL

Wow this conversation is not going well at all. Jack Stone keeps bringing up the hand holding thing and Christen looks genuinely alarmed that he thinks he can even breathe the same air as her once they get back to the States.

“Does he think we have a love story?” — Christen for the fucking win right here.

*slow claps* That’s it, I’m team #ScallopFingers forever. Honestly, I’ve never been more proud of a virgin who can’t drive.

My German friend after sitting through barely 15 minutes of this show: I thought there’d be more nudity.

Honestly, you’re not wrong. Same.

Adam and Raven decide to also go on the date. Adam looks shook that anyone would want to sleep with him. Aw, Adam, give yourself some more credit! All Raven’s got to compare you to is Nick!

It’s Dean and D-Lo’s turn to DTR and I don’t know if emotionally I can handle watching these two life ruiners ride off into the fucking sunset for a happy ending. I just don’t know if I can stomach it—WAIT. Did he just dump D-Lo?? FOR KRISTINA?? 

Dean Unglert

I. AM. SHOOK.

Dean keeps talking about how he fucked up and he misses Kristina and all I can think is:

Stupid

Side note: Does Danielle L have butterflies tattooed on her the backs of her ankles? She does, right? And it’s all starting to make sense now.

Last but certainly least, we have Amanda and Robby, a couple I do not give one single shit about. They have their talk and Amanda completely breaks down at the thought of having to spend the rest of her life with Robby and his Instagram followers. And, like, same girl. That sounds terrifying.

ROBBY: I just don’t understand. Why would you do this?

AMANDA: Honestly, this was just a paid vacation away from my kids. Don’t push it.

THE FANTASY SUITE DATE

The three remaining couples sit down with Chris Harrison and are told that this isn’t just any date they’ll be going on, but a fantasy suite date. So no more dressing in drag or hot tamale eating contests, the cast members will actually have to, like, connect with one another tonight. Wow. This show is wild.

Everyone pretends to be shocked by this news but, like, let’s not pretend that y’all haven’t been screwing on sand dunes all summer long. Please.

Lacey professes her love for Daniel and he’s like, “yes let’s make this Facebook official.” And they say romance is dead. Tbh this is the first time I haven’t been completely disturbed by Daniel’s presence. You’ve really changed him, Lacey.

Next we get to see Derek and Taylor’s date even though I completely forgot that these two were on the show. They’re really making lasting impressions here. Taylor says something about needing to emotionally and spiritually connect with Derek bang him before they can pursue something more serious.

GERMAN FRIEND: Did I get the language right? Did she just say if the sex is good they can officially date?

Yes, yes you did.

Adam and Raven have their date and Adam pops the fantasy suite question. You can literally see Nick and his sexless turtleneck flash before Raven’s eyes. She’s v nervous about saying yes to the fantasy suite because she can’t fake an orgasm be vulnerable one more time.

Nick Turtleneck

AFTER THE FINAL TEQUILA SHOT ROSE

Okay this segue from Raven and Adam’s date to the tell-all portion is really throwing me off. I’m feeling v confused rn. Did  Raven sleep with Adam? Why is this a cliff hanger? Who is responsible for cutting the footage of this episode?? ANSWER ME, ABC.

Of course the sexual assault scandal is STILL being talked about. Like we get it, ABC. You don’t want us to morally blame you for ruining two people’s lives for TV ratings. Your message is loud and clear.

Chris brings out DeMario and Corinne for the world’s most awkward reunion.

CHRIS HARRISON: So where do you go from here?

DEMARIO: Well I’m going to therapy.

CORINNE: I am also in therapy.

Thanks, ABC! I feel SO much better about these two now!! It’s good to know they’re doing so well!

Tbh I could give a shit about the rest of these losers but this whole Kristina-Dean-DLo thing?

Popcorn

They put Dean in the “hot seat” and he looks low-key terrified. Like he knows that every woman in the audience wants to castrate him rn. Side note: can Chris Harrison put other people’s exes in the hot seat? Asking for a friend…

They show the whole Kristina-Dean-DLo love triangle footage and it’s still super hard to watch. Hard to watch in the sense that if I continue to watching it I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Just saying.

DEAN: *sobs watching the montage*

GERMAN FRIEND: He is an actor, yes?

YES.

Kristina keeps talking about how she will always love Dean and blah, blah, blah. She will 100 percent still bang him after this.

Dean gives a very heartfelt speech about how he still loves Kristina. He’s tearing up, I’m tearing up. The more wine I chug, the more I’m willing to forgive Dean and give him another chance. Kristina is one lucky bitch. Dean is reformed. Dean is beautiful. Dean is perfect, no man will ever measure up to how amazingly Dean has proven himself toda—WAIT. Danielle L says the FIRST interesting thing she has ever said on this show when she calls out Dean for calling her an hour after leaving the show. One. Fucking. Hour. AND HE’S STILL TRYING TO GET WITH KRISTINA. 

Hold My Earrings

That’s it. You’re done. Cancelled. See you in hell, Deanie Babies.

And because ABC likes to waste my time, they also bring out Robby and Amanda. They were supposedly dating outside of the show for Instagram likes but broke up because they “wanted different things.” Like, Robby wanted to respond to thots’ comments on Instagram and Amanda wanted to have a father figure free babysitter for her kids. 

Robby And Amanda

Meanwhile Satan’s spawn the twins are desperately trying to stay relevant by butting in every three fucking seconds into Amanda’s breakup story. Robby apparently cheated on Amanda after the show and we know this because the twins kept the receipts and are ready to blow up his spot on national television. The twins are like that friend who will key your ex’s car even though you’re the one that got cheated on, not them.

Read: Amanda Stanton Tweeted Out A Picture Of Robby Cheating On Her

Wait. The twins are me. I am the twins.

The Twins

Screaming

Now we get to move on to the actual couples. Daniel and Lacey did not make it past the fantasy suites. Apparently Daniel couldn’t pretend to like Lacey for more than five seconds after hooking up. In other news, the sky is blue.

CHRIS HARRISON: Why would you say you loved Lacey if you didn’t mean it?

DANIEL: *looks at Lacey* I said I loved you? When?

And just like that, I’m repulsed again. Goddamnit, Daniel.

So I guess Raven and Adam slept together? She looks like she actually had an orgasm too. Good for you, girl. I guess all it takes to find true love is a boob job an open mind and an open heart. 

Raven And Adam Bachelor In Paradise

Derek and Taylor prove that they are the strongest couple on this show. Derek. And Taylor. Let that sink in for a minute, k?

Whatever. I guess Derek has a big enough dick connected with her on a deeper level in that fantasy suite because they’re still in love and making it work long distance.

Taylor keeps talking about how “naked” and “vulnerable” Derek was that night and I 100 percent believe Taylor has a crying fetish. She clearly gets off on the tears of her lovers. Don’t try and tell me different.

The season ends with Derek proposing to Taylor. It’s all very staged sweet but honestly all I can think is “I really hope a twin comes out and says she slept with him.” Where’s a twin when you need one.

Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? It’s called The Betchelor podcast and it’s hilarious. Listen and subscribe here!