Great news for anyone who enjoys making their Sunday scaries significantly worse: Euphoria, the show about the high school kids who are single-handedly keeping I.AM.GIA in business has been picked up for a third season. As all viewers of the show know, even the tamest episode of Euphoria will have you stressed to the point that your Apple Watch starts yelling at you to take a one-minute breather. At any given moment, something horrible is happening to someone. With that said, despite all of the plot twists, the show is still weirdly predictable. Even with moments as shocking as (spoiler alert) Jules revealing that Rue’s drugs were flushed down the toilet, there are still plenty of Euphoria tropes that don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. Although we don’t officially have any spoilers for Season 3, it’s safe to assume that a few things will happen.
1. Rue Will Wear That Maroon Sweatshirt
If there’s one thing Rue Bennett will do, it’s put on a maroon sweatshirt. While the majority of the Euphoria High girlies avoid repeating outfits with the same dedication they put toward avoiding their homework, Rue has proven that there’s nothing more relatable than having one hoodie that basically holds your entire life together.
2. Ashtray Will Beat The Shit Out Of Fully Grown Men
Okay, I have a confession. I spend a lot of time thinking about how Ashtray is such a legendary character because he’s a legit CHILD, yet beats the absolute living daylights out of big, scary, grown men whenever he feels like it. This is tragic because we had almost two and a half years in between the first and second seasons of Euphoria, and the longer they wait to film new episodes; the older this kid is going to get. I usually find solace in thinking about the fact that Ashtray will eventually get old enough to drive a car legally; he will never age out of his willingness to fully clock someone at a second’s notice.
3. Vape Girl (Aka Barbara “BB” Brooks) Will Make One Appearance That We’ll All Tweet About For No Less Than Four Days
I’m still mad that Sophia Rose Wilson, the actress who plays Vape Girl, didn’t snatch up an Emmy for her delivery of the line, “WORLDSTAR” in Season 1, but hopefully, the one minute she’ll likely be gracing our screens next season will be just as impactful.
4. Laurie’s Damn Birds Will Make Awkward Eye Contact With Whoever Enters Her Home
Why do I get secondhand embarrassment every time one of those creepy little birds locks eyes with someone? The creators of Euphoria insist on giving those birds as much screen time as possible without turning HBO into National Geographic. Unfortunately, I don’t see that ending anytime soon.
5. Nate Will Have Completely Out-Of-Pocket Fantasies About Reproducing
Nate Jacobs needs to learn that “I want to have your babies” is an unacceptable pickup line for anyone, let alone a boy who has yet to take the SATs. Unfortunately, this child’s obsession with getting someone pregnant the moment he decides he’s attracted to them appears to be a personality trait at this point. I genuinely believe the only way we can avoid another one of Nate’s strange pregnancy fantasies is for him to become a teen dad, and we all know that the last thing the world needs is another member of the Jacobs family.
6. Kat Will Be Like, “Guys, I Hate Ethan.”
With the exception of the epic scene in which Kat freaked out at a bunch of toxic positive body positivity influencers in a dream state, her entire storyline this season has been “I don’t like my boyfriend.” Through no fault of her own, she’s slowly turning into scripted TV’s version of those Real Housewives cast members that get the “friend of” shaft after giving us the same storyline for too long.
7. Cassie Will Be Screaming, Crying, Throwing Up
Cassie is the queen of the boogery, gooey, ugly crying face, and that is genuinely something that sticks with you for your entire life. I also highly doubt she’s going to grow out of being the kind of girl who throws up all over her monokini in a hot tub until at least her junior year of college. Honestly, I’m fine with this because it means Sydney Sweeney will continue to do the lord’s work and give us countless reaction GIFs for *fingers crossed* seasons to come.
Images: Marcell Rev/HBO; Giphy (4); Tenor; HBO (2)
Welcome to 2021! It’s cold, the sun is still setting too early, and now that we’ve been living in pandemic times for *checks calendar* almost a YEAR, your list of TV shows to get through has probably been whittled down to just a few holdouts. I’m always a proponent of watching all 22 seasons of SVU, but if you’re trying to infuse your TV viewing habits with some new blood, I put together this list of shows that are debuting (or returning) in the next couple months. There’s a little bit of reality, comedy, drama—basically, if you don’t like any of these shows maybe you’re just too picky.
Assuming that you’re still spending the vast majority of your time at home (good work, you’re saving lives!), here’s what you should be watching while you continue to wait for the vaccine. Oh, and if you need MORE to watch, lots of the shows from this list are still rolling out new episodes, too. Don’t tell me you’re bored!
‘Search Party’ – 1/14
All the previous seasons of Search Party are on HBO Max, so you have time to catch up. This show is equal parts dark and hilarious, and it is criminally underrated. Also, I’ll say this for the real fans: Elliott and Portia walked so David and Alexis could run. The first three episodes of season 4 are out now, and the rest will drop in weekly three-episode batches.
‘Selena + Chef’ – 1/21
In the last year, we’ve seen plenty of quarantine-inspired projects, to varying degrees of success, but Selena + Chef is easily one of my favorites. In this cooking show, which is returning for a second season on HBO Max, Selena gets a cooking lesson via Zoom from a different professional chef each episode. The way it’s filmed doesn’t make the Zoom aspect feel lame at all, and the different personalities keep every episode fresh and entertaining.
‘Walker’ – 1/21
Jared Padalecki, whom you might know as Dean from Gilmore Girls, and who just finished a 15-year run on Supernatural, returns to The CW in this new reboot of Walker, Texas Ranger. Sorry Chuck Norris, there’s a hot new sheriff in town. In the new reboot, the widowed main character struggles to move on with his career after his wife passes away. I have no idea if this will be any good, but we get Dean in cowboy clothes, so it’s worth a mention.
‘Euphoria: Jules’ – 1/24
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Sadly, there’s still no public timeline for when we can expect season 2 of Euphoria, but at least we still have the second special episode to look forward to. Last month, we got a deep dive into Rue’s story, and this time, it’s Jules’ turn. We have no idea what to expect from this special, but if the Rue installment is any indication, it’ll probably be an emotional roller coaster.
‘Firefly Lane’ – 2/3
Is 2021 the year of the Katherine Heigl comeback? Perhaps! The Grey’s Anatomy alum stars in Netflix’s limited series adaptation of the hit novel Firefly Lane, which tells the story of two childhood friends who go through a lot of sh*t across a span of three decades. The story starts in the 1970s in the Pacific Northwest, so there’s sure to be some great 70s/80s fashion, and yeah, you’ll probably cry a lot.
‘Summer House’ – 2/4
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Summer House is the one show on Bravo that actually makes sense to film in a quarantine environment, and the crew is back for a fifth season. If you’ve never watched but you’re missing the messy glory days of Vanderpump Rules, this might be right up your alley. Based on the sneak peek, we can expect another season of drunken antics, relationship drama, and maybe even a wedding? Lots to consider.
‘Clarice’ – 2/11
If you love The Silence of the Lambs, listen up. CBS made a brand-new series centering on Clarice Starling, the FBI agent famously played by Jodie Foster. The show takes place shortly after the events of the movie, and will give us a much deeper look into Clarice’s background, as well as some gritty new mysteries. The title role is played by Rebecca Breeds, whom you may remember as Nicole on Pretty Little Liars, and the trailer looks dark and twisted, just the way it should.
‘Punky Brewster’ – 2/25
After their well-received Saved By The Bell reboot, Peacock is keeping the throwback vibes going with a new version of the ’80s classic Punky Brewster. Original star Soleil Moon-Frye returns to play a much more grown-up version of her iconic character, who is now a single mom raising three kids. To sweeten the pot, Freddie Prinze Jr. joins the cast as Punky’s ex-husband. Aaaaand I’m immediately interested.
‘The Falcon and the Winter Soldier’ – 3/19
This week, we’re finally getting our first Disney+ Marvel series with WandaVision, but we won’t have to wait long for the next one to arrive. Up until now, Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan’s characters have been supporting players in the MCU, but they’re finally getting their starring turn in this action-packed miniseries. The story picks up after Avengers: Endgame, when (spoiler) Falcon has taken over the reins as the new Captain America. Obviously, there are bad guys, and it looks like we’re in for a good time.
Images: Courtesy of Netflix; HBO Max, The CW Network, Netflix, CBS, Peacock, Marvel Entertainment / YouTube; euphoria, bravobybetches / Instagram