Bathing Suits That Are Actually Supportive For Big Boobs

The grass is always greener on the other side, and this can feel particularly true when it comes to body shape, and even more so when it’s time to shop for bathing suits. As a girl with DD boobs (I hate even saying that out loud, but that’s a deeper issue/for another article), bathing suit shopping is forever a gamble. I envy my friends who can have fun shopping online for bikinis made out of, like, one single string attached to one small piece of fabric without a damn care in the world. Meanwhile, I have to spend hours in a myriad of dressing rooms trying on multiple different styles of bikini tops and then taking pictures of my boobs at all angles to make sure they look perky and fabulous, and not saggy and unwieldy. Well, the taking pictures part might not be totally necessary but whatever. It’s a PROCESS, and in my humble opinion, a sport. 

That is why I am so happy to have found the following swimwear brands that are keeping me, you, and our huge tits in mind when designing their suits. Just because we’re in quarantine doesn’t mean we can’t tan—so move over, joggers! I’m ready to irresponsibly spend my money on supportive bikinis made for boobs like mine.

Raq Apparel

Raq Underwire Crop

Raq Apparel makes “swimwear that actually supports fuller busted women,” according to their website. They offer two style options for tops: the “multi-way” which looks like your standard triangle bikini top, just more supportive; as well as the “underwire crop” which is fuller coverage and looks more like a sports bra but not as ugly. I like that they only offer two bikini top options because I feel less overwhelmed that way, and it means they must have mastered these two styles specifically for those with racks like mine.

Alpine Butterfly

Alpine Butterfly St. Valentine Top

This brand offers plus-size bikinis, so they know how to dress a betch with curves. They have plenty of different style options, with my personal favorites being the Naomi top, the St. Valentine top, and the Marseilles one piece. They also have super cute cover-ups if, like me, you’re anxious to find the perfect thing to wear when traveling from the kitchen to your backyard—#suburbanquarantinelyfe amirite?!

Aerie

Aerie Bandeau Bikini Top

Of course, we all love Aerie and their body inclusivity campaigns, but I am here to say that not only do they talk the talk, but they also walk the walk. They sell strapless bikinis that are still able to make my boobs look perky. I repeat, strapless bikinis that make my DD boobs look perky! My fellow full-chested women know that this is as rare of a find as a blonde on IG not complaining about her roots growing in during quarantine. The price at Aerie is also *chef’s kiss.*

Shady Lady

Shady Lady Kenya Leopard

I’m kind of obsessed with all of Shady Lady’s bathing suits. They offer cool patterns and the styles are also super trendy. The Kenya receives the most positive feedback from full-chested girls because of its padding and double lined fabric. Plus, the suit comes in snake, leopard, and cheetah print. Also, I must note how cute their cover-ups are and that they can all totally be worn day-to-day, too! Well maybe not the mesh/see-through ones. You aren’t Em Rata.

Lilly and Lime

Lilly and Lime Fleurs Rose Halter Tri

Lilly & Lime’s “big breast swimwear and bikinis are for women with a larger bust.” Need I say more? They lay their different bikini-style options out here, and their different one-piece style options out here. This way, you can really get a feel for which bathing suit might be best for you. The styles overall aren’t anything crazy trendy, so shop at Lilly & Lime if you’re looking for that simple, go-to bathing suit that won’t scare your middle-aged neighbors away when you’re outside making TikToks. 

Red Carter

Red Carter Bridgette Top

Not all of Red Carter’s bathing suits are DD-friendly (lol you think I can afford to lose one strap??), but some of them are. The Rachael top really sucks those babies in, and the Bridgette top offers full-enough coverage so that you don’t feel inappropriate/like you’re doing something wrong by wearing something literally every other person on the planet wears, but that still shows enough so you don’t feel like a maiden woman.

Monday Swimwear

Monday Swimwear Clovelly Top

Monday Swimwear is all about offering the perfect fit for every body type. And, all of the models on their website have big boobs, which I appreciate. Even better is that their fabrics are made from recycled nylon and PET bottles. So, not only will your boobs be supported, but the Earth will be, too. I can’t tell if that was an amazing or awful joke. Moving on.

Bleu Rod Beattie

Bleu Rod Beattie Shirred Bandeau D Cup Top

This brand has a special “D cup” shopping section under “tops” because they understand how special we are. The styles are pretty simple, yet still chic, and, of course, supportive. I feel like I could definitely take a run on the beach or, if it’s a crazy day, play volleyball in the shirred bandeau top without having a nip slip, though I am not that kind of girl and therefore will never really know.

Swimsuits For All

GabiFresh x Swimsuits for All Zephyr Wrap Underwire High Waist Bikini

This brand doesn’t even offer swimsuits in sizes below a 4, which is pretty great as I need way bigger than a size 4 for these boobs. They have so many different styles, and I can trust that every single option will work for my body type. They also offer tankinis and swim dresses if you’re going to, like, a Zoom family reunion slash pool party and want to be modest? Or actually, maybe just don’t buy a tankini or swim dress.

Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

Images: Joseph Kellner / Unsplash; Raq Apparel; Alpine Butterfly; Aerie; Shady Lady; Lilly and Lime; Red Carter; Monday Swimwear; Bleu Rod Beattie; Swimsuits for All

 

8 Spring Break Swimsuits Under $50

Shopping for bathing suits is the absolute f*cking worst. Especially when you’re shopping for spring break. Attempting to stay on trend but still be comfortable, wondering why some store’s sizing is so f*cked, trying not to break the bank for something you may never wear again after that week—it’s a lot. What’s with swimsuits suddenly costing an entire semester’s tuition??? Oh wait, that’s just for the top. If you want bottoms too you’ll have to give up buying your books this semester. All reasons why I usually end up waiting until the last possible minute to find a swimsuit and get stuck with whatever piece of fabric I can find that fits.  

Thankfully, I’ve learned from my mistakes and know that right now is probably the best time to shop for swimwear, and to make sure that I find a suit that doesn’t force me to give up my weekly Thirsty Thursday margs. Here are eight different swimsuits that are all under $50 and aren’t ugly af.

Aerie Strappy Back One Piece, $31.46

Tbh, you can’t go wrong with a classic one-piece. Aerie’s swimsuits always have a flattering fit AND they have an option for long sizes for those of us with long torsos. The struggle is real. IYKYK. This suit will give you all the comfort of a standard one-piece suit with the bonus of a strappy back that gives it a chic touch.

ZAFUL Scalloped High-Waisted Bikini, $29.99 

Leave it to Amazon to come in clutch for literally everything. I cannot even begin to express my admiration for high-waisted bikinis and their ability to hide the absurd amount of tacos I eat before I go swimming. This ZAFUL suit will be flattering on an array of body types (just make sure you check the sizing and read the reviews before you order). I find high-waisted bikinis give you the same ~security~ as a one-piece suit with the convenience of a two-piece.

ASOS Twist-Front Cut-Out Polka Dot Swimsuit, $45 

If you’re an indecisive betch like me and can’t choose between a one-piece and a bikini, welcome to the perfect combo: the monokini. This piece comes in both tall and fuller-bust sizing, making it more versatile than some other styles. I know, I know, monokinis have a bad rep for the ridiculous tan lines they leave behind, but this piece is so sleek and cute. And if you think about it, the cutouts are no different than if you were to wear a dress in a similar style, so just embrace it. I love this suit because it indulges my inability to make any choices for myself (something Pilot Pete and I have in common)! 

Cupshe One-Shoulder Reversible Bikini, $24.99

I’m sorry, did you say a REVERSIBLE bikini? As in two bikinis for the price of one?? Please just take my money, I literally could not ask for more.

H&M Push-Up Triangle Bikini Top, $19.99 & Bottom, $12.99

This one gives off tropical vibes so you’ll actually feel like you’re going somewhere exotic, even if you’re actually just chilling at the public pool in your hometown because you and your friends didn’t have your sh*t together enough to plan a trip for spring break. This suit comes in a variety of colors and patterns, but tops and bottoms are sold separately. Thankfully the full suit will only cost you about $35!

XhilarationWomen’s Ribbed Cut Out Tie Front Bralette Bikini Top, $14.99 & Ribbed Cheeky Bikini Bottom, $14.99

According to my sources (aka Google), texture is a big trend for swim this year. So if you’re planning on going on The Bachelor one day and want your feed to give off fashion influencer vibes, this ribbed bikini is the perfect choice. Like the piece from H&M, the top and bottom are sold separately, and the full suit will cost about $30.

Swimsuits for All Beach String Bikini, $19.98

Not only is this bikini on MAJOR sale, but you also get to mix and match the sizes of the top and bottom. It’s also really cute and tropical, so you should probably snatch it up before it’s gone.

ZAFUL Cross-Back High-Cut Swimsuit, $13.99

This one-piece is also on super sale and comes in a few different colors. The thing I really love about it is the tie-around waist. I imagine it’ll make me feel like Shakira dancing with that rope during the Super Bowl Halftime Show. And isn’t that kind of what we’re all going for, at the end of the day?

You don’t need to drain your bank account for a fire swimsuit you’ll actually want to bring on your spring break trip. Just use the critical thinking skills you’ve been neglecting to apply in class all semester. Now you can use all the money you saved on what really matters during spring break: dangerous amounts of alcohol and 3am trips to McDonald’s.

Images: Ben Parker / Unsplash

Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

Top 5 Swimsuit Styles That Make Your Boobs Look Bigger

It’s pretty much summer, which means that it’s officially too late to do anything about your (lack of) summer body, short of getting plastic surgery. I am assuming since you are on this site that that isn’t an option for you. So, that means it’s time to enhance what you have since you can’t completely change your body shape in the next two weeks. (I have tried it; it is not possible.) We already graciously rounded up the best swimsuit bottoms to make your butt look like a Kardashian’s (sans injection), so now it’s time to talk about boobs. Namely, swimsuits to make your boobs look bigger. Look for these styles to hide the fact that you’re a member of the itty bitty titty committee.

1. Support

Tavik Sawyer Infinity Blue U Wire Bikini Top

You want a bikini top that is structured and either has push-up or underwire. Yes, I’m referring here to the bikini tops that kind of look like you’re just wearing a bra on the beach. Fortunately, this style has become trendy as of late, so the masses (read: stupid men) are starting to understand that it is in fact not a bra. But don’t push your luck and go wearing it around old folks. Grandma will still think you’re just in your bra. Or do, IDC. Live your life.

2. Ruffles & Fringe

Free People Emma Bralette

By adding extra material with either ruffles or fringe, you’re adding volume and movement, which create an illusion of depth. It’s helpful that ruffles are currently a huge trend, so finding these style tops should be as easy as finding one of Tristan Thompson’s thirsty side pieces. (The same philosophy applies to making your butt look bigger, btw.)

3. Super Low-Cut/Low-Scoop

Solid And Striped The Elle Top

This style will do just as the name promises and actually “scoop” up your boobs. The overall minimal coverage of this style allows for more cleavage, which ultimately leads to the appearance of bigger boobs.

4. Middle Tie

Free People Grace Bikini Top

Push your boobs to new heights with a bikini top that features a middle tie. You can use the adjustable tie to make your boobs look bigger by tightening it a little extra for an added lift.

5. Triangle

Vitamin A Moss Top

Ah, our middle school self’s bikini top of choice. Yes, our prepubescent selves were onto something here; triangle tops can make your boobs look bigger by providing minimal coverage and thus maximizing the illusion of boobs. #Science. You can ensure your triangle top makes your boobs look big by either buying your top legit a size smaller or by looking for a style with cups set far apart. Halter is also your friend here because it allows you to really pull the top tight and lift your girls.

Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

Swimsuit Bottoms That Will Make Your Butt Look Bigger

Summer is coming up, and we all pretty much want to look like a Kardashian in our bikinis. Well… a Kardashian that isn’t Rob. Sorry Rob, feel you though. Anyway, with “slim thick” being the latest and greatest body trend, it’s no secret that ano skinny is out and #slimthick is in. The good news is that now you can feel slightly less guilty about having dessert because right now it’s all about packing that “cake.” (Yes, I do realize how I sound, THX.) The bad news is that if you’re not someone who can magically channel that dessert directly to your ass, then it’s time to go swimsuit shopping. But like, that’s actually kind of good news too since now you have an excuse to shop. You don’t have to get injections to make your ass look bigger in a bikini. Just look for these styles of swimsuits that will make your butt look bigger.

1. Cheeky/Brazilian/Thong

Free People Palm Sandy Bottom

This one is pretty self-explanatory—the more skin you show, the bigger your butt appears. A cheeky or Brazilian cut will give an illusion of apple bottom roundness while also helping to lift the butt.

2. High Waist

Revolve MILLY Wave High Waist Bikini Bottom

Choose a high waist bottom with a cheeky cut to give an overall appearance of a toned and perky butt. This award-winning combo will really do wonders to lift your sad little ass.

3. Ruched

Free People Soleil Bikini Bottom

The ruching will make your butt appear larger and rounder by creating a flattering heart shape. The style of this bottom itself is naturally curvy, so it only makes sense that it brings the necessary help to your otherwise non-existent rump.

4. Ruffles

Free People Frilla Bikini Bottom

Adding ruffles to your bottoms means that you’re adding more fabric, which then creates an appearance of fullness—the same goes for bikini tops when you’re looking to make your boobs look bigger. At this point, if you haven’t taken my advice and added a ruffle bikini set to your Revolve cart, then I’m sorry but we can no longer be friends.

5. White

Free People The Kate Bikini Bottom

You know how black is slimming? Well white isn’t…which is perfect when shopping for a bikini bottom that will make your ass look fat. As an added bonus, a white bikini will make you look tanner, too. I see no reason not to buy like, six white bathing suits right now.

Congrats! You’re now equipped to head to the beach looking, as famous one-eyed philosopher, Fetty Wap, would say, “slim thick wit’ yo cute ass.”

Images: Jernej Graj / Unsplash; Free People (4); Revolve

Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

10 Cheap Swimsuits That Look Expensive

Is there anything to do on a snow day aside from eating carbs and online shopping? The answer is no. Like all responsible adults, we spent our work-from-home snow day productively searching the internet for cheap swimsuits that are super trendy and look super expensive but really aren’t. Like, anyone can spend last week’s salary on the same neon Triangl bikini Instagram models have been wearing since 2014, but we’ve moved onto better things. The swimsuits coming out for this summer season are all about cool prints and cutouts, so we compiled a list of our favs. Here are 10 cheap swimsuits you need to own by the time the snow melts.

1. ASOS Wolf & Whistle Snake Swimsuit

Does anything say luxury better than snake print? The one-piece is classy already, and the little cutout is a cute perk. Plus, it’s only $45. I’m into it.

2. Out From Under Twisted Bikini

Kind of a boho take on a classic bikini. The tie detail *might* give you more of an illusion of cleavage. This suit comes in a few different styles and colors so you can mix and match, and you’ll look good in all of them.

3. Missguided Blue Scallop Lace Up Swimsuit

Pastels are huge right now, and this baby blue one-piece is amazing. Perfect cut for any size and the color will make anyone look tan. Also, since it kind of looks exactly like every bodysuit girls on Instagram are wearing, you can totally throw shorts over this and wear it to the bar and no one will notice.

4. TopShop Ribbed Colourblock Bikini Set

 

The high-waisted bikini is tricky to pull off, but this one’s a winner. Plus, the color block and ribbed texture make it look super expensive, even though it’s one of the cheaper bathing suits.

5. Target Sugarcoast by Lolli Women’s Ruffle Triangle Bikini

This one’s super pretty and feminine, but it’s also navy, which literally looks good on everyone. That’s just like, the rules of feminism. The ruffle details will also enhance your curves, so really, everybody wins.

6. Forever21 Marble Print Bikini

If you don’t follow at least five Instagram bloggers who either wear or use marble print in every post, are you okay??

7. Victoria’s Secret PINK Strappy Front High Leg One-Piece

Thank god Victoria’s Secret lied to us about stopping their swimwear line, because they make the best cheap bathing suits. This suit comes in every color and I honestly want more than one. And obviously it’s 2018 so we need some sexy lace-up detail on our one-pieces. Whatever, it looks amazing.

8. Revolve x Kendall + Kylie Mesh Mix Bustier Bikini

Another color block suit, and the army green is SO chic. Did I mention top and bottoms are like $30 each? Cheap swimsuits are my reason for living.

9. MODCLOTH Beach The Alternative One-Piece Swimsuit 

Florals try to make their comeback every couple years, but they actually work really well with this sick keyhole neckline thing. It will give you depressing tan lines, but it will be well worth it.

10. Zara Gingham Bikini Set

The cut on this one is so different, and honestly I’m pretty sure Rihanna owns this. She probably paid a lot more for it, though.
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

The Hottest Swimsuits For Your Body This Summer

With the exception of the latest Nor’easter that fucked up my entire existence, the slight increase in temperatures has me already searching for the hottest swimsuits to rock this summer. It’s always better to start looking for the next swimsuit trends sooner than later because well, the basics get to them and before you know it, every style you love is sold out of your size. Obviously, This summer’s hottest swimsuits are full of ruffles, pastel hues, one-pieces to hide your winter weight, and high-leg bottoms. Maybe you’re prepping for spring break, summer 2018, or you just feel like spending money (because same). Regardless, here are summer 2018’s hottest swimsuits for your body type.

If You Have A Small Booty…

You’ll def want a high-waisted bottom to even out your curves. Not only do they always make you look five pounds thinner, but they keep your hips in so your butt looks phenom, so round, and like, out there.

Out From Under Chloe Scallop High-Waisted Bikini Bottom

If You’re In The Itty Bitty Titty Committee…

You’ll want a bikini top with frilly shit and a lot of ruffles. The illusion of a busy chest area will make people totally think you’re probably a cup size or two bigger than your normal, which is always a good thing.

Billabong Let’s Wander Ruffle Bikini 

If You’re Long And Lean…

Consider hopping on the next monokini train. Belted swimsuits will be very much a thing this summer, so whether yours actually has one or just the illusion of one, it fucking works. Ribbed fabric and a plunging neckline will bring attention to your center and create the hourglass summer bod you’ve been wanting…without actually stepping foot into a gym.

TAVIK Swimwear Emme One Piece

If You Have An Hourglass Shape…

So, you agree? You think you’re really pretty? Then all you’ll want is a modern bikini that brings out a perfect summer glow with a fun, warm shade. MUST BE NICE. The lighter and warmer in color, the more tan (and therefore hotter) you look. You’re welcome.

So Fine Bikini In Sage Metallic

If You’re V Busty…

All you need is some extra support for the twins. Opt for an edgy, colorful one-piece that kind of looks like a bikini, but isn’t. Stick to styles with extra or thick straps that are totes adjustable for your preference.

ASOS Tie Front Cut Out Swimsuit

Images: Christopher Campbell / Unsplash; Urban Outfitters (1); PacSun (1); Revolve (1); Showpo (1); Asos (1)

8 Bikini Bottoms That Make Your Butt Look Amazing

If there’s anything worse than trying on and buying jeans, it has to be finding a hot bikini. It’s easy to simply find cute styles when they’re everyfuckingwhere but when you have a bigger bust than all the junk in your trunk, it’s fucking hell. No one wants to strut the beach with like, no ass when you already have so many insecurities about your winter weight gain. Even though July literally starts this weekend, you still haven’t started your “summer workout plan” because if we’re being honest, you’re not stepping foot into a gym more than twice and you’re sure as hell not going to do a 30-day squat challenge at home when you have to take care of drinking and catching up on Bachelorette scandals other responsibilities. If you aren’t waking up with a 6-pack tomorrow (like, same), here are the best bathing suit bottoms to buy that will make you have the best J. Lo-looking ass on the beach. And the best part is, you don’t even have the exert energy to get it. Bless.

To Give Your Butt A Lift, Try…

Marysia Swim Broadway Scallop Bikini Bottoms

Marysia Swim Broadway Scallop Bikini Bottoms

Scalloped edges give any flat ass a great lift by accentuating your hips with its edgy cut. The illusion gives your body just the right amount of curves without making you look wide.

SHE MADE ME Crochet High Waisted Bottom

She Made Me Crochet High Waitsted Bikini Bottoms

Thank god for the high waist trend because this style gives your butt a big boost and hides any slight muffin top by hugging your hips. A ruffled crochet pattern adds volume to widen the bottom too. Although black is the only relevant color ever because it makes us look skinny AF, for an opposing thickening appearance, find the style in white.

MIKOH Kenya Cheeky Bottom

Cheeky Bottom

A cheeky fit does exactly what it says. By showing more skin, the high rise sides give your body an hourglass figure so your ass looks fuller with a lifting shape but like, without making you look like you have an awk wedgie.

To Make Your Butt Look Bigger, Try…

Billabong Dreamer Hawaii Reversible Bikini

Billabong Dreamer Hawaii Reversible Bikini

Usually, stripes are a big no-no. However, to give the illusion that you have a nice ass, opt for this style with a little bit of scrunching and horizontal stripes to widen your bottom half. It has just the right amount of slutty with its slightly revealing cheeky cut, aka ideal for quality beach Instas.

MILLY Graphic String Bikini Bottom

MILLY Graphic String Bottom

The classic string bikini you probs wear every year is actually good for your booty if you have a style with a bright design. Bright colors and trippy patterns confuse the eye into thinking your ass looks larger than it really is—kind of like hypnosis shit or wearing “drunk goggles.” But for your butt.

For Love & Lemons Capri Scrunchy Thong Bottom

For Love And Lemons Bikini Bottom

Similar to wearing underwear, I know, but you should know by now that in order to achieve max booty poppin’ results, you need to strut in the Kardashians’ fave style: the thong. With dainty straps and in clean white, this bottom will make any nonexistent ass look fucking amazing.

To Give Your Butt A Toned Shape, Try…

Pretty Little Thing Mix & Match Black High Waisted Bottoms

Pretty Little Things Bottom

For the real deal, you’ll want a style that’s on the sporty side. Whether it’s block-colored or solid black, a simple high waisted style with full coverage enhances a small frame. More fabric adds shape, curve, and therefore, makes your butt look like you do a hell of a lot of lunges.

ASOS Spaced Floral Mesh Hipster Bikini Bottom

ASOS Floral Hipster Bottom

A hipster bikini is your go-to if you don’t want any booty flaws, like annoying cellulite, hanging all out on the beach. The mid-rise style still hides your lower stomach so like, no rolls, and hides your love handles so you can still look toned and athletic. This brief cut provides good coverage by keeping most of your butt inside, and making it look fuller.

The 6 Stages Of Trying On A Bikini After Being A Lazy Piece Of Sh*t All Winter

You’ve officially survived another winter of dreaded family holidays, surprise engagements, and disguising your 2pm blackout as “brunch” without entirely losing your dignity. But that also means that in the months between November and March, betches were busy living their best fucking lives, Instagramming cheese plates and colorful fruit cocktails, all while pulling off the illusion that their ass underwent months of squat-like workouts, thanks to overpriced Lulu leggings.

Sure, these PPCS (Post Partum Cuffing Season) side effects are totally justified, but unfortunately for me you, the social media façade that just upped your followers prob also upped your pant size. Bikini season is right around the corner as of like, yesterday, and your besties are dying to be sexually objectified at Tao Beach, but that also means they’re counting on you to pose for pics with them that scream “GIRLS TRIP!!! But also can you believe this cleavage rn?” while debuting swimwear the size of a hair scrunchie. So if there’s one thing I know better than the exact distance it takes to get from work to the bar, it’s everything a betch goes through following the pre-bikini season DGAF:

Stage 1: The Invitation

After victoriously indulging in an all-carb diet for four months straight, the only phone call that’s dreaded more than your gyno calling to deliver test results is your best friend calling to invite you on a ratchet river retreat. This means pausing your Barefoot Contessa binge and getting off your ass in hopes of finding a swimsuit that’ll cover your perma-winter layer so you don’t feel like an IRL Flubber on a rocky boat. Being a possessor of chronic Stage 4 FOMO the good friend that you are, you reluctantly agree to a weekend of staged candid bikini photos while hiding behind a donut pool floatie, as you confirm with a high-pitched “OMG YES I’M SO THERE!” Congratulations, you’ve just survived your first two-way calling attack.

Stage 2: The Casual Browse

Does your recent Google search history read, “bathing suits that hide my back fat”? Bcuz same. Every betch has Googled some sort of self-loathing ridicule at a point in her life, which means that the quest for the perfect bathing suit has officially begun. But first you attempt to save a little face before baring it all to the poor Victoria’s Secret employee and peruse your options via Google. After hours of research, only to find yourself 68 weeks deep into Kylie Jenner’s sluttiest bikini photos, desperate times call for desperate fucking measures, and your Google searches quickly go from “bathing suits” to “how much did Kim’s fat transfer cost?”

Stage 3: The Dressing Room

They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but they also say the fitting room mirror adds like, 20. Idk if it’s the shitty interrogation-room lighting, or the fact that my “monthly” bloat has just become a way of life, but TBH entering a woman’s fitting room is like entering the fucking Chokey. After trying on the store’s entire swim inventory, the only thing you’ve actually accomplished other than realizing you’ve unknowingly been growing a winter forest below the navel border for the past three months, is realizing that the trendy off-the-shoulder bikini top you tolerated serves no practicality or purpose other than showcasing unwanted armpit vagina.

Stage 4: The Crash Diet

As you leave the store, you make a vow to yourself to go full Emily Blunt for two weeks and to eat nothing but a cube of cheese, but only when feeling like you’re gonna drop dead. You stick it out for a solid three hours until your drive home automatically lands you in the In-N-Out drive thru line because whatever, you’re getting cheese fries. You start randomly developing a sense of false confidence and mutter shit to yourself like, “If they can’t accept me at my pregnant Kim K., then they don’t deserve me at my revenge bod Khloé.” #BIBLE

Stage 5: The Prep

Earth to betches: Bikini season is only like 26% about the actual bikini. You don’t get a Chipotle burrito to show off the foil wrapping, do you? I’d be lying to you if I said I’m not the best version of myself when I have a tan. And you’d also be lying if you denied that. It makes you look, like, 10 pounds lighter and it gives the illusion that you physically saw the light of day this winter other than through your sliding glass door while you were covered in potato chip crumbs. You resort to whatever painful process it takes to distract people from the slightest amount of “excess love” hanging off your hips like a fucking ornament, and waxing off that 1960s bush you’ve been harboring like a fugitive. This results in spending more money on your physical appearance than the value of the actual vacation itself, but that’s just, like, the rules of Instagram feminism.

Stage 6: The Presentation

Whether or not your summer bod is ready, a betch knows that the key to living her best vacation life is liquid confidence. ‘Tis the season for 9am beer bongs and chips and guac as a meal replacement, so you finally decide to proudly wear your winter bloat like a badge of honor, because #LoveYoself and (hi) DGAFing is your specialty. Vacays may not be about what you wear, but they sure as hell are about what you drink, so chances are, nobody in their drunk state of mind will even notice your nonexistent insecurities. Plus, drunk goggles make everyone look like a fucking 10, so you win. Now sit back, RELAX, and get that fine-ass awesome personality over here and take a shot with me.

If you relate, you need to read: The Sexiest One Pieces That Will Hide Your Winter Weight