The 6 Stages Of Trying On A Bikini After Being A Lazy Piece Of Sh*t All Winter

You’ve officially survived another winter of dreaded family holidays, surprise engagements, and disguising your 2pm blackout as “brunch” without entirely losing your dignity. But that also means that in the months between November and March, betches were busy living their best fucking lives, Instagramming cheese plates and colorful fruit cocktails, all while pulling off the illusion that their ass underwent months of squat-like workouts, thanks to overpriced Lulu leggings.

Sure, these PPCS (Post Partum Cuffing Season) side effects are totally justified, but unfortunately for me you, the social media façade that just upped your followers prob also upped your pant size. Bikini season is right around the corner as of like, yesterday, and your besties are dying to be sexually objectified at Tao Beach, but that also means they’re counting on you to pose for pics with them that scream “GIRLS TRIP!!! But also can you believe this cleavage rn?” while debuting swimwear the size of a hair scrunchie. So if there’s one thing I know better than the exact distance it takes to get from work to the bar, it’s everything a betch goes through following the pre-bikini season DGAF:

Stage 1: The Invitation

After victoriously indulging in an all-carb diet for four months straight, the only phone call that’s dreaded more than your gyno calling to deliver test results is your best friend calling to invite you on a ratchet river retreat. This means pausing your Barefoot Contessa binge and getting off your ass in hopes of finding a swimsuit that’ll cover your perma-winter layer so you don’t feel like an IRL Flubber on a rocky boat. Being a possessor of chronic Stage 4 FOMO the good friend that you are, you reluctantly agree to a weekend of staged candid bikini photos while hiding behind a donut pool floatie, as you confirm with a high-pitched “OMG YES I’M SO THERE!” Congratulations, you’ve just survived your first two-way calling attack.

Stage 2: The Casual Browse

Does your recent Google search history read, “bathing suits that hide my back fat”? Bcuz same. Every betch has Googled some sort of self-loathing ridicule at a point in her life, which means that the quest for the perfect bathing suit has officially begun. But first you attempt to save a little face before baring it all to the poor Victoria’s Secret employee and peruse your options via Google. After hours of research, only to find yourself 68 weeks deep into Kylie Jenner’s sluttiest bikini photos, desperate times call for desperate fucking measures, and your Google searches quickly go from “bathing suits” to “how much did Kim’s fat transfer cost?”

Stage 3: The Dressing Room

They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but they also say the fitting room mirror adds like, 20. Idk if it’s the shitty interrogation-room lighting, or the fact that my “monthly” bloat has just become a way of life, but TBH entering a woman’s fitting room is like entering the fucking Chokey. After trying on the store’s entire swim inventory, the only thing you’ve actually accomplished other than realizing you’ve unknowingly been growing a winter forest below the navel border for the past three months, is realizing that the trendy off-the-shoulder bikini top you tolerated serves no practicality or purpose other than showcasing unwanted armpit vagina.

Stage 4: The Crash Diet

As you leave the store, you make a vow to yourself to go full Emily Blunt for two weeks and to eat nothing but a cube of cheese, but only when feeling like you’re gonna drop dead. You stick it out for a solid three hours until your drive home automatically lands you in the In-N-Out drive thru line because whatever, you’re getting cheese fries. You start randomly developing a sense of false confidence and mutter shit to yourself like, “If they can’t accept me at my pregnant Kim K., then they don’t deserve me at my revenge bod Khloé.” #BIBLE

Stage 5: The Prep

Earth to betches: Bikini season is only like 26% about the actual bikini. You don’t get a Chipotle burrito to show off the foil wrapping, do you? I’d be lying to you if I said I’m not the best version of myself when I have a tan. And you’d also be lying if you denied that. It makes you look, like, 10 pounds lighter and it gives the illusion that you physically saw the light of day this winter other than through your sliding glass door while you were covered in potato chip crumbs. You resort to whatever painful process it takes to distract people from the slightest amount of “excess love” hanging off your hips like a fucking ornament, and waxing off that 1960s bush you’ve been harboring like a fugitive. This results in spending more money on your physical appearance than the value of the actual vacation itself, but that’s just, like, the rules of Instagram feminism.

Stage 6: The Presentation

Whether or not your summer bod is ready, a betch knows that the key to living her best vacation life is liquid confidence. ‘Tis the season for 9am beer bongs and chips and guac as a meal replacement, so you finally decide to proudly wear your winter bloat like a badge of honor, because #LoveYoself and (hi) DGAFing is your specialty. Vacays may not be about what you wear, but they sure as hell are about what you drink, so chances are, nobody in their drunk state of mind will even notice your nonexistent insecurities. Plus, drunk goggles make everyone look like a fucking 10, so you win. Now sit back, RELAX, and get that fine-ass awesome personality over here and take a shot with me.

If you relate, you need to read: The Sexiest One Pieces That Will Hide Your Winter Weight

How To Get Skinny By The Fourth Of July

We don’t want to ruin your summer by making you give up your poolside chips and guac, but the Fourth of July is coming up in a few weeks and it’s time to get your shit together. We all know what happens when you get a little too comfortable and totally give up your health kick (hi). I mean, that’s probably how Rob Kardashian fell off the wagon in the first place. We can all agree we should take it up a notch before it’s time to day drink in an American flag bikini, so here’s how to get your body ready for the Instas.

1. Do Short HIIT Workouts

There’s a reason high intensity interval training was at the top of the list for the best 2017 fitness trends, and it’s not because we look hot doing it. HIIT training is effective and quick, so it’s obviously the best way to burn fat when you have a deadline and you’ve been eating Pinkberry on the daily. The combination of the bursts of high intensity exercise with short rest periods has been proven to burst your metabolism and keep your body in the fat-burning zone after your workout has ended.

2. Do Some Snack Prep

There’s nothing we hate more than long lines, waking up early, or people who walk slow, but doing any sort of advanced preparation tops anything on that list. No one wants to be a planner or think ahead, but sometimes when food is involved, it’s a necessary evil. When you’re hanging by the pool with friends or you’re road tripping to the Hamptons, it’s easy to rely on processed shit when you need a snack. By prepping some healthy snacks to carry around in advanced, you’ll end up saving a million calories and feeling so much better. And as a bonus, you won’t spend your hard-earned alcohol money on a spur-of-the-moment donut. Everybody wins.

Snack

3. Give Up The Sugar

We don’t usually tell you to cut things out of your diet entirely, but if you know you eat a lot of sugar, giving it up for the next few weeks could completely change your body. Not only is sugar terrible for your teeth and your liver, but it also affects the hormones in your brain which control hunger signals, so you end up thinking you’re more hungry than you actually are, which leads to overeating. Give up the Sour Patch Kids and the Skittles that are hanging around in your pantry. And don’t even get us started on that S’mores frap you ordered yesterday. Have you heard of unsweetened cold brew?

4. Eat Before You Go Out

It wouldn’t be fair or realistic for us to tell you not to go out during the month of June. I mean, it’s finally nice out after you’ve spent all of winter blacking out solo in your apartment in order to get through a Bachelor episode with Nick involved. You’re obviously going out a ton right now, but that’s when the mistakes tend to happen. Try to eat healthy food before you go out, whether you’re going to dinner, drinks, or even a pregame. If you show up ravenous and hangry, you’ll eat anything in sight and probably hate yourself for it later. Be satisfied with healthy foods before you show up and you’ll be less tempted to eat the entire cheese platter at the party.

Eat

5. Take More Steps

Walking isn’t actually good exercise (sorry moms), but sometimes when you start paying attention to how many steps you take in a day, you actively decide to walk more, and all those steps add up eventually. Instead of driving or Ubering everywhere for the next few weeks, try to actually walk places. It’s nice out anyway, so you have no excuse. You could burn up to like, 500 extra calories a day just by deciding to walk.

6. Incorporate Fats & Protein In Your Meals

A lot of people think that to eat healthier, you should just depend on a ton of fruits and vegetables throughout the day. Even though those foods are obv healthy for you, they’re actually carbohydrates, so they won’t fill you up as much as proteins or fats would, and you’ll end up eating more calories by just eating salads and grapes all day. Instead, try eating eggs, nuts, avocados, and salmon to fill yourself up. They’re a little more caloric, but you’ll stay full for longer and feel less of a need to snack after meals.

Protein

Read: The Killer Cardio Workout That Will Make You Skinny Without Running
How To Get A Last-Minute Beach Body When You Procrastinated All Winter

In just a couple weeks, you’ll be showing more skin than Rihanna on any red carpet, so you’re obviously panicking over your lack of a beach bod. Maybe you saw a pic of Gigi at the Met Gala. Maybe the woman weighing your Sixteen Handles cup is starting to call you by your first name. Either way, you’ve procrastinated all winter and it’s time to get shit done. Here are five tips to get your bod in shape in time for those inevitable Memorial Day Instagrams.

1. Cut Out Sugar

Throw away any fitness mag that’s telling you to cut out carbs and fat. If you want to change your body, simply cut out white sugar. Eating sugar is literally just putting empty calories in your body that will trigger more hunger later on. Sugar is proven to mess with your blood pressure, your hormones, and obviously your body. Don’t waste your time skipping breakfast or drinking green juice. Just put down the Sour Patch Kids.

Sugar

2. Do Short HIIT Workouts

We don’t all have time for hours of work at the gym. HIIT, which stands for High Intensity Interval Training, is perfect for betches who need to get shit done in a time crunch. It’s super fast and super efficient. The best part is that you only need 20-30 minutes to get the workout done. That’s like, one Broad City episode.

3. Load Up On Fiber

Adding fiber to your diet will keep your full longer, so you can avoid all the mindless snacking you thought no one would notice. Fiber helps improve your skin, your blood sugar, and has anti-bloating properties. Foods like avocados, raspberries, Brussels sprouts, oats, and chick peas are filled with fiber—so get snacking. Yes, we just gave you a reason to eat MORE avocado and hummus. There is a god.

Beyonce Praise

4. Go The Fuck To Sleep

You’re gonna need to stop going to sleep at 4am for the next couple days. Aside from helping your brain function better and avoiding bags under your eyes, sleep will help you make healthier choices before the summer. Going to sleep earlier prevents late night snacking, burns more calories, and avoids hanger during your 3pm crash the next day.

5. Do Some Prep

You may have been lazy all winter long (don’t argue—we’ve seen your Netflix history), but it’s time to step up your game. We can tell you what to do, but we can’t do it for you. Make yourself some healthy food at the beginning of the week, write down a few realistic fitness goals for yourself, and get to it. If Khloé could put down the chicken fingers post-Lamar trauma, you can get yourself in shape for summer.

Lazy

Want more tips on how to get skinny by Memorial Day? Click here!

7 “Healthy” Foods That Are Actually Making You Bloated

It’s summer, which means everyone’s scrambling to look good in a bikini. Cue the crash diet and endless crunches. But be careful with your diet overhaul: There are some seemingly healthy foods that actually could be making your body retain water—making you look super bloated as a result. Like, if you’re wondering why you look six months pregnant after a huge kale salad and a Diet Coke, it’s not your imagination. It’s just minor bloating, and it will go away eventually, but in the moment, it literally sucks. Here are some examples of “healthy” foods that are blowing up your tummy:

1. Gum

People think sugar-free gum is the key to dieting, but it could actually backfire on you if you OD on all those sugar alcohols. The reason gum has basically no calories is because it’s loaded with fake sugars, which are known to cause bloating. Plus, when you chew gum, you’re swallowing a lot of excess air, so that air may show up in your stomach and make you look like you have a food baby. It could also cause abdominal pain. Gum isn’t terrible for you, but if you’re going through three packs a day, you need to chill.

2. Kale

Kale is a tricky bitch. It’s basically a cruciferous vegetable, along with things like brussels sprouts, broccoli, and cauliflower. While these vegetables are obv super healthy for you, they’re also loaded with fiber, which means your large intestine has to work to digest them through bacteria. All of the fiber makes your stomach bloated when you eat too much of these foods. So, if you’re wondering why you feel huge after eating a box of kale chips, it’s the fiber.

Broccoli

3. Miso Soup

Miso soup is a go-to healthy appetizer to order when you’re out at a sushi restaurant, and while it’s true that it barely has any calories, most miso soups are loaded with sodium, which makes your body hold onto water. When your body takes in more sodium than it’s used to, you’ll puff up a bit for about a day. You might even see it in your face, so it’s probably not the best idea to order miso soup the day before you’ll be in bikini pics.

4. Corn

You might be eating a huge plate of corn at your family BBQ because it’s the only thing that resembles a vegetable, but it turns out corn is actually super hard to digest. (If you’ve ever looked into the toilet after you ate a few cobs of corn, you’d already know that.) There’s a certain type of carb in corn that is hard for your body to break down, which can lead to bacteria fermentation and trapped air in your stomach.

Corn

5. Diet Drinks

Diet drinks are another risky diet hack because there are literally no calories in them, but they’re loaded with fake sugars, which trigger sugar cravings later on and actually make you bloated for like, the whole day. I mean, getting a diet vodka soda is fine now and then if you’re out for drinks, but drinking a Diet Coke with every meal is a bit excessive and like, probably gonna kill you.

6. Dried Fruit

Dried fruit probably brings back Birthright memories of eating dried mango on every bus ride, but it’s also kind of sketchy when it comes to its nutrition. I mean, even though it’s fruit, it’s loaded with fiber and added sugar, so you just have to control your portion sizes. Experts recommend like, two tablespoons at a time, which is basically two dates, or like, three apple rings. You’re basically better off just eating fresh fruit.

Banana Ron Swanson

7. Sparkling Water

Drinking water is one of the things that actually helps get rid of bloating, but as much as we love our Pellegrino and Perrier, sparkling water isn’t doing your tummy any favors. The carbonated bubbles in seltzer are literally air pockets, so by swallowing them, you’re allowing air bubbles to build up in your stomach. I mean, who wants that?

How To Get Skinny By Memorial Day

Memorial Day weekend is in less than three weeks, and while some boring over-achievers have been dieting and hitting the gym since February, we’ve been busy like, eating cheese fries on 4/20 and slurping down margaritas on Cinco de Mayo. The point is, if your body is nowhere near summer ready, you’ve got just under three weeks to get your shit together before it’s time to day drink in a bikini for three days in a row. Here’s how to lose at least three pounds before Memorial Day:

1. Start Paying Attention

Whether you’re still recovering from Coachella or regretting that Unicorn Frap you ordered “just to see how it tastes,” you haven’t been making the best decisions lately, and it’s time to get your head on straight. You don’t get a good body by mindlessly snacking while watching 13 Reasons Why or by eating Matzah pizza three weeks after Passover. You get it by paying attention to what the fuck you’re eating, so start making good decisions.

Make Good Choices

2. Choose Whole Foods

We’re not talking about the grocery store, but I guess that works too. When you’re trying to lose weight, whole foods are your best friend. It’s not the 100-calorie snack pack or the sugar-free protein bar that promises to help you lose weight that will get the job done. You don’t need to go on some insane diet, but try eating REAL food, like vegetables, fruit, chicken, and eggs. You know, shit that can be found naturally in nature. Crazy concept, we know.

3. Don’t Buy Anything That Promises To Help

Here’s a little confidence boost for you: YOU’RE the only help you need. Stop buying bullshit SkinnyTeas or online nutrition coaches to tell you what to eat. The health industry is an INDUSTRY, so they’re trying to sell you shit. You probably know more than you think you do, so just listen to basic nutrition rules and try not to be a lazy shit. You don’t need a $95 subscription to Khloé Kardashian’s meal plan to get healthy.

Joanne The Scammer

4. Do HIIT Training

If you haven’t visited your gym since November and don’t even remember how to book a SoulCycle bike anymore, it’s fine. Everyone gets lazy and falls off the bike/wagon, but getting back on is the part that counts, so start now. HIIT, aka High Intensity Interval Training, is the fastest, most effective way to burn fat in a small period of time. Think like, 10 minute workouts—we conveniently already made one for you here. (We’re like, such a good friend.) If you go hard enough during each interval, your body will actually continue to burn calories later in the day, so you’ll basically be a fat-burning machine for the next few weeks.

5. Don’t Eat Late At Night

It’s hasn’t actually been scientifically proven that you gain weight from eating later at night, but it’s definitely not the healthiest thing for you. Going to bed feeling full AF will just make you wake up feeling bloated and not skinny, so eat earlier and have a little snack later if you must. Sorry if it makes you a loser for saying no to a late-night dinner at Catch, but nothing good can come of eating a spicy tuna crispy rice roll at 11pm.

Midnight Snack

6. Prioritize Breakfast

On the same theme of not eating late, you should actually be filling up on calories earlier in the day to prevent snacking and bad eating decisions later on. By having a legitimate breakfast in the morning, your body will fill up with enough fuel to get you through the day, so you’re not starving yourself to binge later on. I mean, everyone knows that feeling of skipping a meal and then getting home and going HAM with whatever the fuck is in your pantry. Have a real breakfast. And just to be clear, coffee with a splash of milk isn’t breakfast.

7. Choose Your Alcohol Wisely

We’re not telling you not to drink for the next three weeks. I mean, we’re not AA, nor do we live in the land of make believe. Alcohol is probably a staple in your week, so you don’t have to completely cut it out. Like, no one wants to be at happy hour with that girl who can’t order a drink because of her dietary restrictions. Drinking a couple times a week is fine, but make sure you order drinks that aren’t going to kill you, or like, add 60 grams of sugar to your night. Skip anything with syrups or tons of sugar, and instead stick to a simple vodka soda or a classy glass of wine. #Health 

Vodka

Read: The 6 Changes To Make To Your Coffee Order If You’re Trying To Lose Weight
 
The Best Swimsuits For Your Summer Body, Or Lack Thereof

Swimwear shopping is the fucking worst. Even Kendall Jenner has tried on a one piece unflattering enough to make her question her entire existence. (Okay, maybe not. IDK, I’m just trying to make us all feel good.) That’s why I hate that “how to get a bikini body” meme that’s like, “step one: put a bikini on your body.” That’s just not how life works. Unless you’re a celebrity that can somehow profit off of indecent exposure when suffering a wardrobe malfunction at the beach, getting the right swimwear for your body is important. Here are the best swimwear styles to outfit your next thirst trap flatter your body.

To Show Off Your Boobs Without Risking A Nip Slip

Rock a simple triangle bikini. Have you ever noticed that Kim Kardashian is almost always wearing a triangle bikini? It’s because it’s the most flattering style for anyone with huge boobs. Bandeaus and other strapless styles just won’t stay up (you lucky bitch). Triangles are also awesome because the classic ties won’t cut into your back the way a top with a clasp would. It kind of sucks to have to worry about potential back fat situations, but it’s what you get for not having to stuff your bra in middle school.

Becca by Rebecca Virtue Triangle Top

Becca by Rebecca Virtue Triangle Top

Definitely stay away from: Any style with underwire or padding. It will just create extra bulk that you don’t need. Even most triangle bikinis are loaded up with a bunch of padding that can make your boobs a super weird shape, so removing that is probs in your best interest.

To Get People To Comment The Peach Emoji On Your Instagram

Go for a suit with a high leg cut, duh. This silhouette basically does the same thing for your butt as a thong, but it’s a one piece, so it’s not as shameless… if you care about that kind of thing.

Aerie Super Scoop One Piece

Aerie Super Scoop One Piece

Definitely stay away from: Those bottoms that pretty much give you a permawedgie. You know, the scrunchy ones with ruffles and the elastic down the middle? They’re fugly and not even the most flattering design for your butt.

To Celebrate Your Spot In The Itty Bitty Titty Committee

Pick a really cool high neck top. High neck bikini tops can be so tough to pull off, but betches with small boobs can make them look better than anyone else. The tan lines are going to be totally brutal and I really have no way to sugarcoat that, so you’re just going to have to deal with it, I guess.

Rhythm Havana Floral Print High Neck Bikini Top

Rhythm Havana Floral Print High Neck Bikini Top

Definitely stay away from: Triangle tops. IDK, I barely passed geometry, but I’m going to guess that triangles are not the best shape for small boobs. 

To Subtly Brag About Your Hourglass Shape

Wear a one piece. Literally almost every single one piece looks amazing on anyone who’s curvy and thankfully there are currently tons of one pieces available at the moment because designers have realized that everyone’s totally obsessed with them. If you have trouble fitting your boobs into one pieces, try one with lace up details or some kind of adjustable fastening down the middle, which will give you some control.

Aila Blue Spirit One Piece Swimsuit

Aila Blue Spirit One Piece Swimsuit 

Definitely stay away from: Suits with lots of cutouts. It’s so rare to find one with cutouts that actually reveal the bits of skin you’d like to show off. Opt for a suit with an interesting back design or a plunging neckline to keep it ~scandalous~. 

How To Get Amazing Abs In Time For Summer

Abs have been a hot topic for a while now, so let’s talk about them: what they are, how to get them, and like, if we even want them. (The answer to that last question is an obvious yes.) Getting abs became trendy in the early 2000’s around the time when people started to realize they wanted J.Lo’s six pack instead of Mary-Kate Olsen’s emaciated rib cage. Then, the ab crack suddenly became the new thigh gap of the internet and we started Googling shit like “Khloé Kardashian workout routine.” All of this important history brings us to today, where we’re left staring at our SoulCycle instructor’s chiseled stomach and wondering how many calories were in that bagel we ate earlier. If you’re looking for some real info, it’s time to get some facts straight. Having good abs is more than just a flat tummy—as Meek Mill once said, there’s levels to this shit. Meaning, there are a lot of different parts of your abs and you can’t just do one exercise to tone all of them. So here’s the deal with all your various ab muscles and what exercises you need to do to get amazing abs all over.

That Line Down the Middle

What is it? You may know this line down the middle of the stomach area as an ab crack, which is unfortunately not a drug you can take to get abs. But if our dealer was selling that, we’d save so much on groceries. Anyway. The ab crack isn’t actually a muscle and so it doesn’t get a real name, but the best way to get it is by having good genes and doing basic toning exercises. Genes are a huge part of it, and some people can have like, no body fat and a strong core, and still not have that line. We’re all built differently, so let’s work with what we’ve got.

 

Morning

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How do I get it? Planks. It may sound basic AF, but planks are an amazing way to target the entire front of your core, so stop overthinking fancy and complex exercises and start planking. If you’re a beginner, start on your hands, but starting on your elbows really targets the muscles better. Basically, you want to start face down with your forearms on the floor and your knees raised up so that only your toes and arms are touching the ground. Make sure you’re contracting your abs and not sticking your butt in the air, or else you’re literally doing nothing. Also, make sure to keep your back as flat as possible the whole time. Hold for anywhere from 30 seconds to two full minutes. If you’re respectively psychotic and you’re looking for an added challenge, try doing your plank in a TRX suspension trainer at your gym—if you don’t even know what that is, it’s best to stick to the regular planks for now. 

Planks

Those Side Lines

What are they? The “side lines” you see all over Instagram during bikini season (probably while fake laughing on an inflatable swan in East Hampton), are actually called your obliques. Obliques are the most superficial muscle out of the muscles in your abdomen, which means they look hot but actually don’t help you that much in terms of being strong as fuck. But who cares about strength? They’ll look hot in your Instagram pics.

 

For the ladies asking where I got these pants from, they are just Nike tech fleece ones. I just pulled them up at the bottom. Pretty sure they are in all of the shops at the moment?? I don’t normally talk about where my clothes are from because I don’t do sponsored posts and I don’t want you ladies thinking that’s what I’m about. I only mentioned this one because I noticed all the girls asking and I KNOW how hard it is to find good track pants!! Have a good day ladies www.kaylaitsines.com/app

A post shared by Kayla Itsines (@kayla_itsines) on

How do I get them? Russian Twists. There are tons of exercises that target your obliques (others include bicycles and side planks), but Russian twists are really the most effective way to tone those side muscles that look so good in a crop top or one of those slutty cut-out one pieces. Start by sitting on the floor with a weight in your hand (think anything from 8 lb to 15) and your feet slightly raised off the ground. Your legs should be bent at your knees and your upper body should be elevated to create a folding V shape with your legs. Move the weight from one side of your body to the other, ideally touching the weight to the ground on each side of you during every rep. Do this for 30 seconds to a minute, then rest for a few seconds and repeat again. It might hurt when you laugh tomorrow, but in that case I guess it’s a good thing we have permanent RBF.

Russian Twist

That V-Shape At The Bottom

What is it? No one would ever comment on an Instagram pic to compliment someone’s lower abs, but like, why not? That shit is really hard to achieve and honestly I could use a post-workout snack just thinking about all that work. Working your lower abs is super important even if you don’t necessarily want chiseled abs because it will help eliminate love handles in the process (but obviously stop eating those double-stuffed Oreos first.)

 

I will always consider myself an athlete. My workouts are about survival, longevity strength and endurance. I realized working out should be about getting smarter as well as stronger. Shoutout @allanamato for the beautiful photography!

A post shared by Terry Crews (@terrycrews) on

How do I get it? Well first before anybody asks, you do NOT need to become a man (or Terry Crews) to get the V-cut thing; that was just the best (read: hottest) picture I could find. Anywho. Leg raises. This move looks super easy when you see someone doing it, but once you start, you’ll be crying pretty fast. Lying on the floor, place your legs straight out in front of you and your hands on the ground or under your lower back if you’re prone to lower back pain. Lift your legs up, keeping them as straight as possible with your knees slightly bent until they make a 90-degree angle with the floor. Hold the contraction at the top for the second, then SLOWLY lower your legs down to the floor in front of you. You’ll want to make sure you use a mat to protect your tailbone and stop fucking holding your breath. Seriously, what is it with people not breathing while working their abs? You’re not underwater and people around you are starting to get worried.

Leg Raise

Inner Core Muscles

What are they? The workouts we’ve discussed so far will all help tone your abs, but as we mentioned earlier, your core muscles go much deeper than you realize, so you should prob be working those inner layers too. A lot of people get caught up in working the area around their stomachs, but they don’t realize that most of your core stability comes from your lumbar spine and lower back area, so try hitting those muscles too if you care about really strengthening your entire core area.

How do I get them? Superman lifts. Everyone has these inner core muscles, but they’re pretty weak if you don’t work to strengthen them, and Superman lifts are the best way. Lie face down on your stomach with your arms and legs extended and keep your neck in a neutral position. Then, keeping them straight and your torso tight, lift your arms and legs toward the ceiling, arching your back and getting your hands and feet like, five inches off the floor. Hold for a couple seconds at the top and then lower back down. If you’re doing it right, you’ll feel like an idiot. Try doing 10-15 reps before the embarrassment takes over resting and then repeating again.

Superman Lift

I know it sucks to spend extra time at the gym to do some work that’s low-key good for you, but you stuck around last week for like, 15 minutes to find good selfie lighting, so we’re gonna assume you have the time.