We’re driving back up the PCH to Monterey tonight—let’s get into it. This recap was a day late mainly because I spent all of Sunday drinking $5 Cosmopolitans for pride, which means I spent all of Monday asking myself why did you do that do that do that to me?
Jack-O-Lantern
It’s Madeline’s turn to have a nightmare, which I guess makes sense cause a) murder and b) it’s apparently Halloween! I forgot that weather isn’t a thing in Monterey. She’s also now smoking, serving us big end of Grease Sandy Energy. On top of that, Renata is simultaneously planning her bankruptcy court hearing and also her daughter’s birthday. ¿Por qué no los dos?
Naturally, Mary Louise arrives with a cake and her chompers—in no way are those her real teeth, right? Uh oh, Mary Tyler Moore has a new Rhoda in town, and it’s M.L. who is moving into Jane’s building. Survey says she’s doing that to be closer to Ziggy and not cause it’s the only property in Monterey. Kind of like when Taylor Swift bought a house in Rhode Island to be closer to the Kennedys. Throwback!
Giving Madeline a break, Celeste is now verbally sparring with Mary Louse until IT BECOMES PHYSICAL SPARRING WHAT IS HAPPENING. Celeste hits with a slap heard ’round the world after Mary Louise says she feels Jane wasn’t raped and Perry just was looking for anyone outside of their marriage.
This scene of course ends with Madeline in her gorgeous kitchen, complaining to Ed about how people should be more considerate when planning parties (“we all have calendar apps on our f*cking phone”) and can I just say, preach?
Longing Looks At the Water: 2
In between scenes, we see Bonnie also staring at the water and Jane inviting her school yard crush to the disco party, an era he 1000% learned about during AP U.S. History last year.
Celeste, Bonnie, Madeline, and Renata all have the same calendar. pic.twitter.com/s4igIkd7Jm
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) July 1, 2019
All The Tense Coffee Dates
Mary Louise meets with Celeste and calls her unwell, expressing concerns about her grandchildren. I’m sorry, but is Celeste’s style inspiration Taylor Swift’s Red era with these whispy framed-bangs and coat? Mary Louise brings up that her husband left her and she had to learn how to cope—a fact that hmm…I’m not that sold on.
Over at Madeline’s, she tries to plan a couple’s workshop while Ed is still giving us Sulking Kid Who’s Grounded. Chloe, still being a 28-year-old social media manager in a child’s body, makes an ‘opposites’ project for school where she says her mom is the opposite of a door because she’s unhinged. Snaps for Chloe and her future career on Thought Catalog.
Bankruptcy Is So In Right Now
The assets are being drawn up to get put on the line. Renata is still giving us all the lines that would end up on T-Shirts for the Women’s March: “I’m self-made.” She then gets judged for getting botox, which, hey, not fair. On top of that, she needs to give up her Rolex and wedding ring right on the table — which I guess shows the practicality of belly rings in times like this. Impossible to see! And now their Tesla is traded for a taxi outside of the court house. Ouch.
Who Is This Theme Party For?
Amabella’s party is here and it’s disco themed, which I can’t imagine she picked. The moms have gone all out for this party, because when you’re 40 all you want to do is get ready for a theme party, apparently? While Renata is serving a disco bash, Mary Louise is planning on filing for guardianship of her grandkids—and making sure Celeste doesn’t have a lawyer to choose from to get her back. Back at Studio 54, Celeste and Bonnie are regretting the lie and saying Madeline is to blame for starting it. Very happy my major lies only including eating the rest of my roommate’s hummus and saying, “hmm no clue where it went.”
While they fight over gorgeous champagne flutes, we see Ammabella having a slow dance and her dress is… literally the same as Renata’s. This is truly some Gypsy Rose Lee sh*t up in here, but I guess the Roman Empire was having a BOGO deal. Ugh, it’s hard to see Renata addressing how all of this will affect her daughter—and can I just say F*CK GORDON.
Jane is dancing with her date, which is kind of weird because the dance floor is like, only the kids—but then again, he prob is in the same history class as most of them. She’s happy, but then the second they get a little closer, she gets a flashback to the night of her attack.
Bonnie gets #ConfrontedOnTheDanceFloor by her mom, with her mom saying she doesn’t like the energy around her. Raise your hand if you have gone up to one of your friends at 2:30 AM after a vodka Redbull and said the exact same thing.
Nathan and Ed then do what any man would, which is fight in ’70s costumes at a child’s birthday party. THIS IS ABOUT HAPPINESS!! Coincidentally, that’s exactly what I shout at my brunch waiter when they say the two hours of the unlimited option is over.
No eight-year-old’s birthday party is complete without a disco dance show by who I can only imagine is Boyz II Monterey. They’re setting the mood for Bonnie and Ed, though.
Jane opens up to her boy about her past trauma, and he is super supportive of her…which only makes me feel like he can’t be trusted, because this is Big Little Lies.
Alexa, Play ‘Fallingwater’
Bonnie’s mom has flashes of water visions and then faints. We’re at the hospital, and it turns out Elizabeth had a stroke, and we find out that the last thing she saw before were flashes of water.
Madeline and Ed are home, and he’s drinking the classic Sad Boi Night Cap: an IPA. Jane and Celeste are now out at a bar, and I do love how their bond has been strengthened. Celeste stays for another drink alone, cause she’s a girl after my own heart.
Back at the hospital, Bonnie is looking over her mother as her dad asks if she said anything to her mom to induce her stroke—nice dad!
Mary Louise is now eating stretchy cheese pizza that straight up looks like it’s from Chuck-E-Cheese—a place that Meryl Streep 200% doesn’t know exists. Honestly, she looks like a mess right now too. Why did the wardrobe department decide to give her a J.Jill cardigan, but then a men’s Old Navy top?
Jane goes to meet Bonnie at the hospital, which is perfect because she caught her just as she was about to rip into the detective on their case. Does this detective have anything else to do but walk around Monterey drinking coffee? Dream job TBH.
Ambien Cool, Not All Uncool
Mary Louise brings the kids home first thing in the AM and Celeste seems…off. At first you can’t tell if she’s high, drunk, or sick (I can relate to that every Sunday morning), until you realize that she definitely took another Ambien. She’s being very Countess LuAnn, owning it! I’m happy Heather Thomson wasn’t in their house because OH YEAH, CELESTE TOOK THE BARTENDER HOME. Wow that might have been one of the most awkward scenes in history, mixed in with a hot af flashbacks of them hooking up.
She confesses to Madeline that she did in fact take Ambien and didn’t remember he was in the house, which is so scary. Celeste, just try melatonin or chamomile tea, please. Madeline is the true MVP of friends because her first response was “she shouldn’t have dropped the kids off that early, you have your own life.” And just like clockwork, Mary Louise reappears.
She confronts Celeste about how she feels she is a mess and shouldn’t be watching over the kids. This is going to get messy. Yeah, they’re at risk with Celeste, but were totally just fine with their abusive father.
Renata’s Sweater Is Off The Deep End
What would happen if Ann Taylor had a one-night stand with Hot Topic and then found its way to California? The answer is Renata’s sweater. What is happening here? I guess when she tried to give this one to the bankruptcy court they were like… actually you can keep that. They’re sharing avocado toast (who shares toast?) and catching up about Celeste when, you guessed it! Our detective is back, drinking coffee, and just…theorizing! Nancy Drew could never be this caffeinated.
Jane then goes to see Mary Louise because she’s worried that she’s just being a Pokémon Grandma, catching them all. She calms her down by voicing concerns about Celeste, which Jane pauses to consider. Instead of borrowing sugar from your neighbor in Monterey, you borrow theories about your friends. Kinda into it.
THE THERAPIST IS HERE!! And she’s assuring Celeste that she has doctor-patient confidentiality. Of course the true star of this show would have her back.
Elizabeth finally wakes up and we see that she has a vision of Bonnie killing herself in the ocean, which, sadly, could definitely be where this season is headed. Hopefully she’ll be able to help her and they can all go to another yoga retreat. Until next week!
Images: HBO; Giphy (4); bobbyfinger / Twitter
Another weekend has gone by of me spending too much money, drinking too much rosé, and texting too many people who just reply a day later saying “uh… who is this?” My only constant? Big Little Lies. If you missed my recap of the first episode, I honestly don’t blame you, work has been crazy for me too—but drinks soon! Regardless, let’s strap in and basically all fly out to Monterey to teach any of these people how to keep a secret and gossip.
To be honest, I missed the first two minutes of this episode because I was too busy nursing my Ariana Grande concert-induced hangover with a sweet potato roll and the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie is mad no one wants to buy her apartment for her… same. Soooo, if anything insane happened then please just DM me on Instagram (@kashmeredanny) and let me know if Renata did any more lip-syncing.
This episode starts with Celeste driving while imagining hot sex and immediately getting in a car accident, but she’s sort of treating it like an orgasm? She’s wearing Uggs, so shout-out to New Jersey. Yikes—turns out she was driving on Ambien and didn’t remember it at all. Anyone who has pants that they in no way can pull off and don’t remember ordering arrive at their door can attest to the dangerous power of Ambien. Suddenly, Madeline picks up Bonnie too, because I guess the writers were inspired by the beginning of That’s 70s Show. Shout-out to Bonnie calling a lazy walk in a cardigan a hike, because same.
Renata is going to be on the cover of the #1 women’s magazine, which I’m assuming is Golf Digest. Oops, before she can schedule her Glam Squad, her husband is getting arrested and the same cop who has been giving them side-eye all day is there.
I’m also so happy that there’s more Meryl Streep vs. Madeline—and also I just now remembered Meryl’s character’s name is Mary Louise but TBH, I feel like I can only call her Meryl Streep out of respect. Still praying for a Ryan Murphy Feud series about these two.
WHY THE HELL IS JANE ON A PSEUDO DATE WITH THE TEENAGER THAT IS ALSO HER COWORKER?? Raise your hand if a guy ever told you “he gets good feelings about people” over a seaweed salad. Starting a support group for all of us whose favorite Asian restaurants are tarnished by bad first dates.
Bonnie’s kids are (obviously) catching on that their mom is spiraling out of control, and by spiraling I mean just being very moody and sighing. Get this girl a fainting couch ASAP. Naturally, she thinks she’s getting watched, because she probably is.
MORE THERAPIST IN THE DARK. Do we think she’s wearing a Countess Cabaret Collection necklace?? She’s trying to help Celeste remember that her husband was a piece of sh*t. Ugh, I just want to give Celeste (and Nicole Kidman) a constant hug. The therapist is having her imagine her friends going through what she’s gone through as a way to realize how awful her experiences really were. Turns out, therapy works?
Renata having to strip tease her way through a court house is truly me going through TSA, flipping out that my water bottle has a little liquid left. This feels like a great topical storyline, though, because I feel like everyone in California is stealing money from their work or bribing state schools to get their kids to get in. Turns out he bet…everything… and their entire family is f*cked, besides their daughter’s trust fund. Siri, what’s a trust fund?
QUOTE OF MY LIFE: “I WILL NOT NOT BE RICH.”
Nothing is more California than two women in a yoga class debating if one of their crushes has Aspergers while their nipples are showing through their shirt. Uh oh, #girltalk cut short by the introduction of Bonnie’s mom that led to a full-on meltdown.
I’ll give anyone a million dollars to remember the name of any of the husbands on this show week to week. I just keep looking at the screen and going, “maybe Todd?”.
Madeline and Renata coming together is truly the power couple we need, and Renata is suspicious that the cops after them are trying to get them down in different ways. Madeline, trying to help like most friends, offers Xanax.
Update: hot teacher is still hot. He’s here to talk about anything, so I’m scheduling a teacher’s conference ASAP. Celeste’s kids are starting to talk about their dad, and they’re addressing that they don’t think she’s good to talk to because she just tries to pretend everything is okay. Kids, they’re cheaper than therapy—until you have to pay for college.
Celeste and Mary Louise (aka Meryl Streep) are actually starting to kind of bond and she opens up about the Uber Ambien she took. Streep is renting an apartment nearby and TBH I’m ready to be a roommate. “Madeline told me you and she had words,” okay Kidman, this is not The Hours. Let’s just say they talked sh*t.
Apparently Perry used to describe Celeste as an enigma, which, cool. Guess it’s better than my dates who describe me as “messy and a little too tipsy.”
Oof. This scene is hard. Celeste pushed her kids in a rage and panic about their fighting because she doesn’t want them to be like their dad—only to have Meryl Streep give her major side-eye.
Does Bonnie own a couch? Why is she never sitting on it and always pretending to hike?
Okay, two husbands are talking with none of their wives—time to use the bathroom. Like, they have to talk to each other in-between takes and wonder, “are we really needed here?”
Getting MAJOR TRUE CRIME FEELS with this storyline. Shameless time to plug my podcast with Betches, Not Another True Crime Podcast. Can’t wait for our fictional episode to cover this.
The husband is back on the screen and talking about healthy french fries. I’m sorry, but can we go back to Madeline ordering coffee? Truly could just watch that on a loop. Wait I take it back, because Bonnie’s mom is bat sh*t and stirring the pot. She’s definitely the Dorinda Medley of this world, and I’m here for it. Apparently she loves to cause drama and maybe drinks too much wine, so I’ve found my new favorite character. Also, I love how she’s the only one who obviously was able to connect the dots that she started to become depressed… right after Perry died.
Another Perry x Celeste flashback. I’m refusing to be attracted to him in this show so just going to rewatch True Blood after this. UH-OH, Mary Louise now knows about Jane’s son’s connection but she has no clue how she knows. Layers are happening.
THANK GOD WE’RE BACK TO MADELINE’S HOUSE WHICH IS MY DREAM HOME. Omg Chloe is causing drama now and is the one who told all the kids about this. I’ve never respected her more but also… sh*t is getting real. Apparently the kids have known for a few months, so guess they’re the little part of Big Little Lies. Okay maybe I do like Jane because this scene is wow. Powerful.
Madeline is back and talking about “fundamental principles” which is my homeostasis. Adam Scott, calm down. Madeline probably forgot to tell you about this because she forgot you existed like we all did. Chloe did learn the major thing of gossiping, though: no paper trails and always deny.
Now Mary Louise is acting like our government and not believing a victim. Celeste is now telling her about the abuse that Perry committed, to no avail. Having to talk to your mother-in-law about a rape, abuse, and sex all in one conversation is HBO. Now, Mary Louise is threatening to go to the cops about everything Celeste has been hiding. Damn I’M SO HAPPY THIS SECOND SEASON IS HAPPENING.
Bonnie’s mom is walking around with feathers and crystals, because that’s what happens when you drink too much in California. Okay she’s performing a spiritual cleanse on Bonnie, maybe this is True Blood after all?
Celeste and Jane touch base in scarves the size of Rhode Island, after realizing that their kids entire worlds were… turned upside down. “I know you have to protect your boys but I have to protect mine,” it’s about to be a… Mom Off.
Madeline and Bonnie talk until Bonnie runs off saying the lie is going to get us. She’s 100% becoming the Lucy Hale of this whole operation.
Renata flipping out on her husband is giving me satisfaction for me and also her, because honestly f*ck all of this guy. Oh, he wanted more. As a white man, all I can say is end white men.
Every Uber driver to me after asking for the Aux cord ten times in a row.
Madeline’s daughter wearing a beret and talking about not wanting to go to college is very Daria, which is a show I love but should stay animated. Drink every time Reese Witherspoon says fundamental, betch loves a buzzword. AND THE DARIA BERET GIRL GOES ON AND DROPS THE BOMB THAT MADELINE CHEATED. ADAM SCOTT’S CHARACTER WILL NEVER WIN.
Love the fireplace, Celeste. Honestly there should be a show after this show just giving us a walk through of all their homes. Would you watch that? HBO, can I host it? The kids now all learn that they’re biologically related. Question of the century: “was our daddy a bad person?” Uhhhh…
Reese pulls a Hilary Duff and comes clean about the affair to an Adam Scott who seems to very much NGAF. He gives her a laundry list of all of her errors which, fair… but come on, she’s Reese. And just like that, Madeline’s fantasy suite is over. Bet her daughter will want to run away to college now to get out of that situation.
Bonnie’s mom is randomly planting at night, which I guess I would probably do if I had a garden and also had three pinot noirs. They’re talking about visions to each other and I’m praying… please don’t make this show about witchcraft. It’s so perfect and good, we don’t need that storyline to start. Real question: does anyone talk to Bonnie’s kids?
Wait I got it: Renata, Celeste and Madeline all move in together, basically becoming the Golden Girls. Then, this show can never end. YOU’RE WELCOME.
Okay and I’m fully sobbing at Jane and Celeste’s kids all coming together as a family. WITH AN ANTIPASTO PLATTER. BE STILL, MY HEART. Damn, this show knows how to continue a story. Until next time.
Me driving off right now but by driving off I mean going to get an iced coffee. Byeee!
Images: Giphy (6), HBO
Going into this season of Big Little Lies kind of feels like going on a second date or grabbing the last slice of pizza: you’re excited, but also scared. What if it’s bad? What if it gives you a stomach ache? As a BLL purist, I personally thought that the first (and, at first, allegedly only) season was perfect and was initially against talk of making another season—but all someone has to do is say “Meryl Streep” and I appear on my couch at 9pm, pinot noir in hand, ready for whatever may happen next.
^Reese to me after reading this recap.
We’re back with the Monterey Five, and no, that’s not the name of a horse in the Kentucky Derby—it’s the unofficial nickname of all the main ladies after the scandal. In case you forgot, the first season was gorgeous and perfect and was all about these rich moms who ended up killing one of their husbands because he was an abusive piece of sh*t. And that’s what you missed on Glee.
Let’s go into this with a breakdown of what each character did—or more likely, what type of wine each character drank while staring into the beach. Andy Cohen, are you a secret producer on this? I’m pretty sure 45% of this script is “look longingly and think about how now you have to go against Game of Thrones in the Best Actress category now that you’re no longer a limited series.” The horror.
A more in-depth breakdown is below, but some general observations on this premiere that don’t really matter, but mattered to me:
A musical moment happened at an assembly (maybe this really is Glee) and some girl I 100% forgot about named Tori got a boob job. Happy for her. My favorite moment of this episode was her talking to Adam Scott’s character (Madeline’s husband whose name truly doesn’t matter) in the grocery story surrounded by melons. GET IT? I feel like the writers were like hmm, should we have his character cheat on Madeline as payback? But then realized that he’s just a quiet dork and moved on. Also, does anyone actually use the car speakerphone option besides these five women?
I decided to breakdown this premiere episode by character, because the last time this show was on the air, I could still fit into my skinny jeans (well, fit is a subjective word, but they got above my knees at least). Seriously, only HBO has the confidence to drop a new season of a show two years later and be like: wait, you don’t remember this side character who had one line in episode four? Weird. So let’s check in on the Real Fake Housewives of Monterey.
Madeline
The queen bee is BACK and her daughter Chloe is still cool AF. Like, I can’t wait for her character to just pick up and move to Brooklyn for high school. It turns out me and Madeline have a lot in common because we both like to double fist cupcakes, get annoyed when someone expects us to do work at work, and are kind of a bitch.
I guess she’s traded in directing community plays for being a realtor—but I was kind of disappointed that the only major drama she deals with this episode is that her kid no longer wants to go to college. Girl, you’re ahead of the curve—all I gained from college was a slow metabolism and ten guys named Chad’s number who I’ll never text. What’s worse: your kid not going to college or your kid saying “I want to work at a start-up”? Sidenote: Reese Witherspoon needs to write the TV movie about the college admissions scandal cause she has the finger on this pulse. Felicity, you’re cool with that, right?
Celeste
YES HER THERAPIST IS BACK but still only half-lit on a chair that looks like it was clearance at Pier One Imports. These were personally my favorite scenes of Celeste’s last season… well, besides that one where she was just sitting on a balcony drinking Smartwater. Her character is having nightmares and may be spiraling, which is fair since she’s trying to cope with the complexity of the loss of her abusive husband. I already can’t wait for her to cave and tell her therapist about what really happened just to watch Reese Witherspoon flip out and scream Withherglassofsauvblanc. Apparently she’s also giving Jane some checks that she’s not cashing from his estate. In case you forgot, Jane’s first season storyline was focused a lot on her trying to find the man who raped her (and try to maybe kill him), and that person turned out to be Celeste’s husband.
Jane
Bangs happened, and they happened hard. I guess since Shailene makes her own toothpaste, she also does her own haircuts. Uh-oh, she’s working at an aquarium now, which I’m certain was a demand from Shailene ’cause she loves the environment (I mean, same girl). Hats off to HBO for having her give us a fact about an octopus to serve as a metaphor for the show. Ladies kill. The prettier something is, the more dangerous—which is why no one ever crosses the street when they see me. I’m the definition of harmless. Watching her dance on the beach in a Patagonia made me very happy I’m not a beach person, and also very happy that I live in New York. I dare someone to dance while jogging down the street and not get spit on or have a pigeon poop on them.
Please PLEASE tell me her coworker isn’t 17 cause they’re 2000% going to f*ck. Or maybe not because he just went up to her and asked if she was on the spectrum? I’m going to say 33% of the scenes this first episode were as necessary as the 7th shot of tequila I had Friday night.
The weirdest thing is Jane now asking if Celeste hates her for sleeping with her husband (when he assaulted her) and also drawing Taylor Swift Reputation-era fan art about him, which looks like it will bode on an insane obsession to come. This just confirms my theory never to trust a girl with #BluntBangs. Prove me wrong.
Bonnie
Apparently a yoga retreat changed her, and potentially not for the better. This is why you don’t go to Tahoe—especially because you get bitter that the group chat carried on without you, and now has a new inside joke as the name. As Madeline says, there’s some sh*t that you can’t just put on Gmail. Like the details of your one night stand or thoughts about the murder you all committed. Her character is getting all the flashbacks from the murder, which makes sense because she’s the one who actually pushed him. Not much has happened with her this episode, besides Bonnie being elusive and apparently installing the most annoying doorbell ever. Literally, all she did was just walk around and sigh, which made me confused: is this HBO or an old episode of The Hills when Lauren Conrad had to work aka send one e-mail? Let’s see if she ends up confessing to the police, or maybe Madeline will just pull a You and lock her in a chamber in her basement before she has the chance.
Renata
Laura Dern is still a national treasure and being The Most kind of mom. Her new kids’ teacher is very hot, so I’m personally starting a prayer circle for them to have a hookup session. Wait, now they’re making her have a photoshoot and sing, WHAT IS HAPPENING. As much as I #FeelTheDern, her singing with a bright flashy blazer served me a mix of the Sex and the City 2 karaoke scene and a drag show I saw last week. Kind of into it, though. While she’s doing that, her husband apparently nursed a drinking problem and a toy train collection. Something tells me he’ll be the next husband all these women go after.
MERYL!!
Wig. For being a gay icon, the wardrobe department really did her dirty. But moment of silence for having her on TV. Seriously, we all deserve some Streep on our TV screens after the awful mess that was the final season of Game of Thrones.
She’s serving Mrs. Doubtfire energy, but I do love how this character gives a nice breath of fresh air in this world. Bringing her into the mix gives the series more layers besides people just shouting their children’s IQ. And by layers, I mean insane layers of her character screaming and crying while at dinner and also the insane layers of her wig. Sorry, I’m still not over it.
Best quote? “I don’t mean that in a negative way, maybe I do.” RIVALED ONLY BY “who are we planning to kill?” Wait, is my Summer 2019 energy Meryl Streep being a bitch? I don’t hate it for myself.
Overall, this first episode was kind of slow, but I am excited to see where this goes. I also am obsessed with the sparring match of Meryl vs. Reese. Honestly, with the talent of this cast they all could just be reading my past Seamless orders out loud and it would still be interesting (and not only because I can go off with my selection of side sauces).
Images: HBO; Giphy (6)
This Sunday marks the return of Big Little Lies, and I haven’t been more excited for a TV show since…maybe ever? Sorry Game of Thrones fans, but I never got on that bandwagon. It’s been two years since we last got a glimpse into the lives of the ladies of Monterey, and I’m sure there will be plenty more drama on season two.
Until then, let’s have a little fun and imagine what the ladies of Big Little Lies might put in their Ship bios. If nothing else, we know they’d all have a ~killer~ crew to find matches for them.
Renata
Boss lady who doesn’t take no for an answer. I wear the pants in the relationship, but lately I’m in the mood to let my hair down a little bit. My daughter Amabella will always be my #1, but maybe you can be #2. If you’re not looking for something serious, step aside, because I take everything seriously.
Celeste
Widow who’s ready to find the right guy for her and her twin boys. I’ve been hurt in the past, but now I’m taking my happiness into my own hands. Looking for someone for quiet moments on the deck, great dinner parties with friends, and most of all, genuine warmth and kindness. Just be prepared to deal with my mother-in-law.
Madeline
One part showtunes, one part classic rock. Always up for coffee and gossip, so be careful with your secrets around me. That could be a strength or a weakness, up to you to figure it out. Oh, and if your last name doesn’t start with M, don’t bother. I’ve gotten too far in life to mess up my monogram now. I always know what I want, and I almost always get it.
Jane
Life is always unexpected, but there’s nothing good music and a long run on the beach can’t make better. I’ve lived here for a while now, but sometimes I still feel like the new girl in town. My little man and I are a package deal, so if that doesn’t work for you, don’t waste my time.
Bonnie
Life is too short to be stressed. Always in search of balance, purpose, and the best kombucha. I spend much of my time outside, because Mother Nature has blessed us with too many gifts to let them go to waste. If you don’t compost, we probably aren’t a good fit. If we match, message me with your favorite yoga pose, and maybe I’ll tell you mine.
Sadly, we have to wait a few more days to find out what happens on the new season of Big Little Lies, but you can download Ship right now and start putting your crew together. You probably haven’t committed murder together, but you still know all their secrets. If the ladies of Monterey can find happiness, what are you waiting for? Brb, going to go rewatch all of season 1 to make sure I didn’t forget anything important.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5)
Presented by
Caution: spoilers ahead.
The season finale of Big Little Lies left us all with endless questions. What’s going to happen to Celeste and her kids? Will Madeline leave Ed? Is someone going to jail? Is it possible for a man to look like Alexander Skarsgard and not be absolute garbage? Most importantly, will there be a season two?
Because the show was adapted from a book, we thought we knew the answer to that last question: no. The novel ends with Perry’s death and some other bits of character development like Bonnie’s backstory, but that seems to be about it. Devastating right? Like almost as tragic as naming your daughter Amabella.
But wait! It turns out that people were so obsessed with watching the sordid and tortured lives of these rich white women (who would have guessed?) that the HBO producers and original writer, Liane Moriarty, are considering continuing the story beyond the ending of the book. There’s plenty of material to work with there, but just in case Moriarty is out of ideas we’ve brainstormed a few new plot lines to explore.
Will Celeste ever get closure? Considering the fact that her horrifically abusive/criminally attractive husband just got murdered by a 90 lb. yogi, it seems like that therapist would play a much bigger role in season two. Is her son doomed to the same violent fate as his father?
Wow about the fact that we went a whole season and never addressed that Ed spent most of his free time eye-fucking his teenage step daughter. I’d love some development there, HBO.
Will Chloe achieve her dreams of owning a record label before she graduates first grade? I’d put money on it.
Probably most pressing: at what point will every husband in this show just stop being the fucking worst? How many of them have to die at Montessori school events before they get the hint that they are on thin ice? In fact, can a plague just hit Monterrey that kills every single man except Ziggy? Imagine how exciting the next charity gala would be if we didn’t have to pretend to enjoy a bunch of shitty Elvis costumes.
Once the show starts racking in Emmy’s and Golden Globes, a season two seems inevitable. At least we’ll get to watch Alexander Skarsgard on award show red carpets before he hides away in Sweden, waiting for the next casting call for a Nordic God who mistreats women.
