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The show is starting, and Jane is giving us Worst Uber Driver Energy blasting music. Ah, it’s her “I might kill a man” playlist—a much needed one for 2019. Turns out, her 17-year-old lover was brought into questioning about Perry’s death. Apparently it’s now like Mean Girls, where the first one who cracks gets a deal and everyone else is f*cked. Now I guess she’s on crack.

 Ah, a flashback to season one Celeste in this cop interview, back when she didn’t annoy me constantly. Looks like Mary Louise is watching these old tapes with the detective because I guess there’s nothing fun on local Monterey TV. 

Wait, I thought her mom was killed last episode? I can’t hear her dad whispering because he’s truly talking under his breath in a way that would make me afraid to sit next to him on a subway, but I’m assuming it was something about him being awful.

Ed and Madeline are drinking wine and having cheese and crackers which seems like a normal, good step for them—the important part of any healing in a relationship is to be drunk, at least that’s what I think before getting dumped. Meanwhile, across the multi-million-dollar streets, Celeste is watching the ocean with her kids.

Madeline is thinking of telling Ed about the drama, for which Renata emotionally tried to slap some sense into her. I personally feel like Madeline is just ready to try and Olivia Pope her own life and save herself. Endorphins make people happy—and happy people don’t want to go to jail. 

Speaking of endorphins, it seems like they’re not working for Bonnie because she is miserable. Ah, so she TRIED to kill her mom but didn’t work. Lifetime, where you at?

It’s the court hearing and The Good Wife fan in me is jumping out. I’m drinking pinot noir so I’m ready to object at any time. Wait, Celeste’s lawyer is not wearing her jacket. What’s happening!? She asked a question and immediately got shut down, which is very on brand for this lawyer. But yikes—Celeste is testifying and now it’s fair game to ask her anything. Nicole Kidman, do you think my hair looks sexy pushed back?

Bonnie asking her doctor if it’s okay to kill her mom is peak Season 2 of Big Little Lies. Renata is pensively angry in half a ball gown while firing her nanny/maid, which feels like super California. Juliet, we hardly knew ye. 

Since when do you wear a wet suit… with gloves… to bodyboard? I guess they go great with her wet bangs. 

Madeline is apologizing to Bonnie and Bonnie is still serving her hungover stare realness. I love that everyone is going to watch her testify—it’s basically like her one-woman show, but they all could wind up in jail. Feels like Chicago! F*ck this lawyer for mocking her abuse. And then getting her one night stand broadcasted in front of everyone. If I had to testify for every time I slept with someone whose name I didn’t know, I’d have a full on grand jury appearance. This was hard to watch. FULL GEOMETRY COMING IN WITH THESE STIMULATIONS OF PERRY’S DEATH. WHERE IS MS. MADEWELL JACKET TO OBJECT MORE THAN ONCE?

It’s insane that Celeste’s every move has been watched — like, what’s next, the detective is going to know what bike she was on at SoulCycle? I like get that it’s this private investigator’s job to do this, but honestly she is such a bitch. LET MY PRETTY RICH FRIENDS LIVE. 

Ed meeting with Jess/Jenn/Josie and the Pussycats on a Starbucks date is one of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen. All of this is done over oat milk lattes and rent-a-shrink diagnosis about what cheating on your spouse who cheated on you can do. You so know this woman went to her manicurist and asked for red gels being like, “I need a dark color to try and steal a husband”. His standing desk infuriates me also for some reason. I think I’m 100% at a Big Little Lies boiling point. 

Jane goes to Mary Louise and is ready to attack. This is why older woman should take up knitting or go to a communal home, they have too much free time on their hands. 

I KNOW SHE’S NOT BUT I REALLY THOUGHT CELESTE WAS DRINKING SKINNY GIRL MARGARITA FOR A SECOND. GIVE US THE CROSSOVER. Yikes, it’s a drinking-from-the-bottle kind of night, aka a night you definitely shouldn’t have after being attacked at trial all day. 

Looks like everyone is falling apart because Madeline is full-on dancing in a wedding dress. Ed telling Madeline she can’t wave a wand and fix things is kind of hysterical because exclusively Reese Witherspoon can wave me to do anything she’d like me to do. 

Calling it now: Bonnie killes herself with a suicide note that fesses up to everything and leaves the other girls off the hook. 

We’re going back to court, but before that, Celeste is filming a makeup tutorial. Hey guyz, I know a lot of you have been asking about my Chic Court Look. 

This judge doesn’t know the difference between a sexual addiction and being horny, cause I see nothing wrong with Celeste. Be cool, don’t be all uncool. Class with the Countess Celeste. Luckily Celeste was able to take better control of the court questioning this time around with only 5% help from her lawyer.

Bonnie confesses to her mom… but not about Perry. She opens up about the awful childhood she had—it starts very Ten Things I Hate About You but turns into an awful, dark look into Bonnie’s life and how unhappy she is and then she finally confessed about killing him… in a public space. Like, where is the night nurse that is like “what the fuck did I just hear?”

UH, I SPOKE TOO SOON. JULIET IS BACK IN A BIG WAY. Turns out, she was sleeping with Renata’s husband and she’s getting $160,000 from it. Wow, I need to start sleeping with better people. Give Laura Dern THE GOD DAMN EMMY PLEASE. 

Sidenote, can I make people rise for me when I enter into a room? Turns out Celeste is calling the SHOTS cause Ms. Madewell didn’t think of anything and she’s going full Ted Bundy going to court. DAMN THIS CLIFFHANGER. And yet again, we’re hooked. 

Images: Giphy (3)

Another day, another flashback to start things off. Honestly, I’m loving this season so far—but you can’t tell me that it doesn’t give you Pretty Little Liars energy. Everyone is waking up and pondering things while looking at the water, because apparently what else do you do in Monterey besides look into the ocean and kill people?

We’re kicking things off with a husband-on-husband scene, and not in the PornHub way. Ed and Nathan talk it out while they’re working out in the morning—another reason why I never jog. Nathan has gotten so annoying, no wonder Bonnie is checked out. 

The child custody hearing is off, and Mary Louise is giving her best Iron Lady while also acting like every girl at brunch who wants to sh*t talk their friend who is not there. “No she’s like, literally crazy.”

Celeste hired a lawyer who, while she may not be doing her job, is doing a damn good job at pulling off that jacket. Rent the Runway unlimited, I’m sure. 

WHY IS EVERYONE JOGGING? Okay nevermind, Bonnie was just dream jogging—my favorite form of working out. Weird that I still only fit in jeggings. She’s still at the hospital staying with her mom while her dad basically just gives her death glares 24/7. Weird, how did HBO get this tape of my Thanksgiving from last year?

Madeline, desperate for a storyline, is taking Ed on a retreat to bond their relationship that may involve bondage. I can so f*ck with a Carole King sing-along, though.

Celeste is a lawyer, a fact that I’m pretty sure we all forgot about (including Celeste herself), and she went to see Renata to trash talk her lawyer. Dreams. This is the first time Renata has been working all season though, right? I guess the Women In Power article caught on to that, because they pulled her from the article, which actually made me genuinely upset but genuinely not surprised. 

Some weird kid came to bully Ziggy and the twins came to his defense—but unfortunately, that defense came with an extreme offense. Both Jane and Celeste’s kids are suspended for three days, so at least they’ll have more time to stare into the water. 

Wait, is Bonnie psychic? She’s basically like the Long Island Medium, except not Italian. And not in Long Island.”

Yup, that was definitely a sex cult, but at least it go them to communicate (and communicating in California is just shouting in a car). Ed dragged Madeline (as the kids say) and damn, I do try so hard to feel bad for him in all of their scenes. But, is it just me, or is it impossible to ever blame Reese Witherspoon for anything ever? Let her screw all the theater directors she wants! Every month is Pride!

Renata’s “spent her entire life with a bullseye on her back,” which is a C-minus in terms of all of the lines she’s said this season. She met Mary Louise for tea, in every way that word is used. Mary Louise is shocked this isn’t just a “tea party,” which, no sh*t—that’s like when I invite someone to a workout that winds up just being a brunch. No one drinks tea and no one JOGS IN THE DAMN MORNING. 

Celeste is parenting her kids in the best way she can, which is by screaming and crying while also whispering with her whispy bangs. It’s kind of weird that in an alternate universe, her kids would be played by Dylan and Cole Sprouse. Shout-out to Dylan Sprouse’s meadery in Brooklyn.

Ed has a sweet but heartbreaking moment with Chloe that is 100% ruined by Bonnie leading an adult Kidz Bop lesson that’s mixed with an overpriced Brooklyn barre class. “Singing for Sleep Apnea” is definitely a charity party from The Hills. Yikes, looks like Bonnie’s dad is a beyond confirmed piece of sh*t. 

Celeste’s lawyer is doing nothing but wearing a coat, round two. After Celeste breaks down at a custody hearing, she sends a group chat to her girls to meet her at the beach (it’s going down). Turns out she’ll have to testify during her settlement, and when she’s on the stand she’s fair game to ask about anything aka the murder. Basically, the lawyer could be like you when you’re in a fight with a friend and try to bring it up casually but you have no chill:

Me: How was your day?
Me: What the f*ck did you say about me in the group chat the other day?

MAJOR shout out to this A+ line from Renata, maybe one of the contenders for best line of the series. “That’s perjury, babe.”

Ed and Chloe, Bonnie and her dad… this is a huge Father’s Day card of emotions going down. He talks to her about how he wanted to keep the peace between all of them, which is what I say to everyone every time I’m in an Uber Pool. Yup, the mom is magic and she can sometimes see things that are right—very That’s Kinda Raven. 

Cool, we were all fully weeping when Celeste and her boys were talking, right? Meanwhile, Renata forced Ammabella to play hooky with her, because she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom. 

THE ICE CREAM SCENE THE ICE CREAM SCENE THE ICE CREAM SCENE. The moment we saw GIF’d and meme’d since Meryl was first announced as a cast member. AND IT DIDN’T EVEN HAPPEN. Instead we got left with Jane slow dancing with her 15-year-old coworker AGAIN. I’m sorry, but why is HBO doing this to us? If I wanted to see someone awkwardly kiss on a couch with blunt bangs, I’d log back into MySpace.

Jane is still struggling to connect sexually with her trauma, and fine, the 15-year-old has grown on me by being so nice with Ziggy. I did realize that Nicole Kidman in a baseball cap is my sexual orientation, though.

Okay, did I just get high, because so much is happening at once? It’s like a dressing room montage, but with kayaks and wine and… assisted suicide? AND TORI FROM THE FIRST EPISODE OF THIS SEASON? Fine, I remember her from there, but in no way shape or form was she in any episode in season one. The bartender gave them shots, and I guess when you’re over 30 that is code for we gon’ bang. 

So this episode ends with Jane’s man leaving the police department, Bonnie walking to the police department after probably killing her mom, Madeline’s husband about to have a … threesome… with TORI, and Celeste’s lawyer prob at Marshall’s finding a new jacket. Big Little Lies, what are you on?

Images: HBO; Giphy

We’re driving back up the PCH to Monterey tonight—let’s get into it. This recap was a day late mainly because I spent all of Sunday drinking $5 Cosmopolitans for pride, which means I spent all of Monday asking myself why did you do that do that do that to me?

Jack-O-Lantern

It’s Madeline’s turn to have a nightmare, which I guess makes sense cause a) murder and b) it’s apparently Halloween! I forgot that weather isn’t a thing in Monterey. She’s also now smoking, serving us big end of Grease Sandy Energy. On top of that, Renata is simultaneously planning her bankruptcy court hearing and also her daughter’s birthday. ¿Por qué no los dos?

Naturally, Mary Louise arrives with a cake and her chompers—in no way are those her real teeth, right? Uh oh, Mary Tyler Moore has a new Rhoda in town, and it’s M.L. who is moving into Jane’s building. Survey says she’s doing that to be closer to Ziggy and not cause it’s the only property in Monterey. Kind of like when Taylor Swift bought a house in Rhode Island to be closer to the Kennedys. Throwback! 

Giving Madeline a break, Celeste is now verbally sparring with Mary Louse until IT BECOMES PHYSICAL SPARRING WHAT IS HAPPENING. Celeste hits with a slap heard ’round the world after Mary Louise says she feels Jane wasn’t raped and Perry just was looking for anyone outside of their marriage. 

This scene of course ends with Madeline in her gorgeous kitchen, complaining to Ed about how people should be more considerate when planning parties (“we all have calendar apps on our f*cking phone”) and can I just say, preach?

Longing Looks At the Water: 2

In between scenes, we see Bonnie also staring at the water and Jane inviting her school yard crush to the disco party, an era he 1000% learned about during AP U.S. History last year. 

Celeste, Bonnie, Madeline, and Renata all have the same calendar. pic.twitter.com/s4igIkd7Jm

— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) July 1, 2019

All The Tense Coffee Dates

Mary Louise meets with Celeste and calls her unwell, expressing concerns about her grandchildren. I’m sorry, but is Celeste’s style inspiration Taylor Swift’s Red era with these whispy framed-bangs and coat? Mary Louise brings up that her husband left her and she had to learn how to cope—a fact that hmm…I’m not that sold on. 

Over at Madeline’s, she tries to plan a couple’s workshop while Ed is still giving us Sulking Kid Who’s Grounded. Chloe, still being a 28-year-old social media manager in a child’s body, makes an ‘opposites’ project for school where she says her mom is the opposite of a door because she’s unhinged. Snaps for Chloe and her future career on Thought Catalog. 

Bankruptcy Is So In Right Now

The assets are being drawn up to get put on the line. Renata is still giving us all the lines that would end up on T-Shirts for the Women’s March: “I’m self-made.” She then gets judged for getting botox, which, hey, not fair. On top of that, she needs to give up her Rolex and wedding ring right on the table — which I guess shows the practicality of belly rings in times like this. Impossible to see! And now their Tesla is traded for a taxi outside of the court house. Ouch.

Who Is This Theme Party For?

Amabella’s party is here and it’s disco themed, which I can’t imagine she picked. The moms have gone all out for this party, because when you’re 40 all you want to do is get ready for a theme party, apparently? While Renata is serving a disco bash, Mary Louise is planning on filing for guardianship of her grandkids—and making sure Celeste doesn’t have a lawyer to choose from to get her back. Back at Studio 54, Celeste and Bonnie are regretting the lie and saying Madeline is to blame for starting it. Very happy my major lies only including eating the rest of my roommate’s hummus and saying, “hmm no clue where it went.”

While they fight over gorgeous champagne flutes, we see Ammabella having a slow dance and her dress is… literally the same as Renata’s. This is truly some Gypsy Rose Lee sh*t up in here, but I guess the Roman Empire was having a BOGO deal. Ugh, it’s hard to see Renata addressing how all of this will affect her daughter—and can I just say F*CK GORDON. 

Jane is dancing with her date, which is kind of weird because the dance floor is like, only the kids—but then again, he prob is in the same history class as most of them. She’s happy, but then the second they get a little closer, she gets a flashback to the night of her attack. 

Bonnie gets #ConfrontedOnTheDanceFloor by her mom, with her mom saying she doesn’t like the energy around her. Raise your hand if you have gone up to one of your friends at 2:30 AM after a vodka Redbull and said the exact same thing. 

Nathan and Ed then do what any man would, which is fight in ’70s costumes at a child’s birthday party. THIS IS ABOUT HAPPINESS!! Coincidentally, that’s exactly what I shout at my brunch waiter when they say the two hours of the unlimited option is over. 

No eight-year-old’s birthday party is complete without a disco dance show by who I can only imagine is Boyz II Monterey. They’re setting the mood for Bonnie and Ed, though. 

Jane opens up to her boy about her past trauma, and he is super supportive of her…which only makes me feel like he can’t be trusted, because this is Big Little Lies. 

Alexa, Play ‘Fallingwater’

Bonnie’s mom has flashes of water visions and then faints. We’re at the hospital, and it turns out Elizabeth had a stroke, and we find out that the last thing she saw before were flashes of water. 

Madeline and Ed are home, and he’s drinking the classic Sad Boi Night Cap: an IPA. Jane and Celeste are now out at a bar, and I do love how their bond has been strengthened. Celeste stays for another drink alone, cause she’s a girl after my own heart. 

Back at the hospital, Bonnie is looking over her mother as her dad asks if she said anything to her mom to induce her stroke—nice dad! 

Mary Louise is now eating stretchy cheese pizza that straight up looks like it’s from Chuck-E-Cheese—a place that Meryl Streep 200% doesn’t know exists. Honestly, she looks like a mess right now too. Why did the wardrobe department decide to give her a J.Jill cardigan, but then a men’s Old Navy top?

Jane goes to meet Bonnie at the hospital, which is perfect because she caught her just as she was about to rip into the detective on their case. Does this detective have anything else to do but walk around Monterey drinking coffee? Dream job TBH. 

Ambien Cool, Not All Uncool

Mary Louise brings the kids home first thing in the AM and Celeste seems…off. At first you can’t tell if she’s high, drunk, or sick (I can relate to that every Sunday morning), until you realize that she definitely took another Ambien. She’s being very Countess LuAnn, owning it! I’m happy Heather Thomson wasn’t in their house because OH YEAH, CELESTE TOOK THE BARTENDER HOME. Wow that might have been one of the most awkward scenes in history, mixed in with a hot af flashbacks of them hooking up. 

She confesses to Madeline that she did in fact take Ambien and didn’t remember he was in the house, which is so scary. Celeste, just try melatonin or chamomile tea, please. Madeline is the true MVP of friends because her first response was “she shouldn’t have dropped the kids off that early, you have your own life.” And just like clockwork, Mary Louise reappears. 

She confronts Celeste about how she feels she is a mess and shouldn’t be watching over the kids. This is going to get messy. Yeah, they’re at risk with Celeste, but were totally just fine with their abusive father. 

Renata’s Sweater Is Off The Deep End

What would happen if Ann Taylor had a one-night stand with Hot Topic and then found its way to California? The answer is Renata’s sweater. What is happening here? I guess when she tried to give this one to the bankruptcy court they were like… actually you can keep that. They’re sharing avocado toast (who shares toast?) and catching up about Celeste when, you guessed it! Our detective is back, drinking coffee, and just…theorizing! Nancy Drew could never be this caffeinated. 

Jane then goes to see Mary Louise because she’s worried that she’s just being a Pokémon Grandma, catching them all. She calms her down by voicing concerns about Celeste, which Jane pauses to consider. Instead of borrowing sugar from your neighbor in Monterey, you borrow theories about your friends. Kinda into it. 

THE THERAPIST IS HERE!! And she’s assuring Celeste that she has doctor-patient confidentiality. Of course the true star of this show would have her back. 

Elizabeth finally wakes up and we see that she has a vision of Bonnie killing herself in the ocean, which, sadly,  could definitely be where this season is headed. Hopefully she’ll be able to help her and they can all go to another yoga retreat. Until next week! 

Images: HBO; Giphy (4); bobbyfinger / Twitter

Another weekend coming to an end means another Sunday spent watching gorgeous, rich women in California fight with each other while drinking wine. No, I’m not talking about The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills—this season was too slow to watch week-to-week, right?—but rather, it’s BIG LITTLE LIES TIME.

In an insane turn of events, I’m watching and writing this Monday morning. Aka this morning, aka while you were probably still asleep or getting ready to go to a Rumble class. This is not because I’m suddenly a morning person—it’s because I was swimming in a sea of pinot noir and pasta Sunday night before a concert. If you want to judge my semi-tipsy concert filming, by all means, go ahead to my Instagram (@kashmeredanny) and see for yourself.

ANYWAY, enough about me (my HBO show would not be BLL but rather BMI, and all about me giving up carbs for half a day to lose weight) and back to our favorite ladies. First, can I just say that this show should teach every other show about how to properly do a “Previously On”? Thank you for actually giving a recap to help us, fans (and people eating hummus for breakfast while having to recap it).

We open up with Bonnie still replaying the murder in her head before going to see her grandma and daughter connecting. The sweetness of this scene was immediately cut with Reese and her husband driving in silence. OH YES, MORE THERAPIST TIME. “Adultery is one form of betrayal, indifference is another”—honestly, that is something that they would say on The Real Housewives. I’m not sure if I 100% agree with it, but I do 100% know that I’m getting that tattooed on my lower back. The appointment is spent trying to figure out why she cheated and it turned into a read on Madeline which… tracks. I wonder if Mary Louise got coffee with her therapist before.

Bonnie is back and I’m worried all of these flashes are going towards her attempting to kill herself while drowning. Madeline then opens up to Celeste about how she caught her dad cheating when she was younger and never told anyone, which rightfully so would f*ck someone up for marriage. Honestly, I would much rather open up to Nicole Kidman in a car than to a therapist. Celeste also says that her life is colorless without Perry, saying that she was better to her kids with him around—probably because she was trying to compartmentalize and also compensate for the abuse. Nicole, you don’t need that, GIRL.

Mary Louise confronts Jane at work and demands Ziggy take a paternity test. She doesn’t want to believe that Perry was both a rapist and an abuser, saying that maybe Jane was just drunk or drugged and doesn’t remember it. Great look, ML!

Okay—this show has to calm with the metaphors. Now Charlotte’s Web is a metaphor for the show? Thank you, Ziggy, for calling bullsh*t even though I still want to date your teacher. Kind of insane that Charlotte, to little kids, means web and not a woman who converts to Judaism to marry her divorce lawyer. Wait, now they learn about “personal brands” and sustainable farming in elementary school?! I’m re-enrolling. I’m sure their math class is just about the Instagram algorithm and your ratio. TOFU FOR CLASS PRESIDENT. 

Oh no, Annabella (Renata’s daughter) was admitted to the hospital with an anxiety attack. Maybe rebranding is too much for the young mind. Renata is rightfully so losing her entire mind and also still being Renata AF: I’d like her transferred to Stanford please, because it’s STANFORD.

Madeline is exhibiting GMB (Great Mom Behavior) with her older daughter and opening up with her about her therapy appointment. I guess we needed that normal scene to make up for the fact that Renata hired a therapist who got a BFA instead of a PhD and is dressed as Little Bo Peep? Turns out, Annabella is terrified of the world ending, which now makes her the most relatable character. I mean, have you read the news? Climate change and a dad going to jail is a hard combo, especially when you think something is up with your mom.

Jane is dating the 17-year-old she works with who just asked if a fish was grown on a farm, and is now rattling off all his pre-dinner ordering questions. I’m vegan and ask less questions, but mainly because I just order french fries. Apparently, some fish test positive for anti-depressants (same), so I guess they are also just concerned with the end of the world.

Mary Louise is going to the dectecive in charge of Perry’s murder case and is trying to basically become Dorinda the Meddler of Monterey. On the flipside, Celeste is talking with her therapist and struggling to separate the good from the very, very bad of her husband. “You miss the war, Celeste,” this therapist has the best captions—I mean, sayings—of the show. She feels that she may be suffering a form of PTSD or withdrawal from the pain and abuse.

“Are you passionate about things?” wow, I now remember why I don’t date. Jane with the ultimate BOMB DROP by answering that with, “I used to paint but now I have a kid, I should have mentioned that.” Then the teen tried to kiss her and she almost got hit by a bus trying to avoid it (same x2)—she’s “idling on neutral.” Okay, I can’t do car references, HBO.

Mary Louise and her grandkids are watching a collection of home movies with Perry. Yikes, and now Mary Louise is stalking Jane and Ziggy—but honestly? Jane’s sweater was the scene stealer in that episode. Shout out to the girl for finally finding the Madewell in Monterey. They now are coffee girls and look at pictures that show how much Ziggy looks like Perry’s brother. She wants to be in Ziggy’s life, which is sweet, but knowing Meryl’s degree of acting talent, you know something is up. She’s now questioning about the night of the assault and is asking if Jane tempted Perry to get him in a moment of weakness, basically trying to cling to any hope that her son wasn’t a complete awful person.

Of course, Madeline finds Bonnie and Ed (I REMEMBERED HIS NAME, ARE YOU HAPPY? Okay, I Googled it) having lunch and prob talking about how much their spouses annoy them. Love a charcuterie board moment with a cup of coffee. At least someone is finally asking Bonnie how she is. Bonnie said she needed to laugh, which can I suggest just looking at Jane’s bangs.

Now Ed is trying to be a bad guy to Madeline, I guess this is his Reputation era. Madeline is now questioning her entire life and talking about how she feels guilty she didn’t know sooner about Celeste’s abuse. Cut to Renata coming in with plastic straws and blow torches to shout at the school for teaching about climate change. “I will rise up and buy a f*cking polar bear for everyone in this school”—I just always need to scream “YAS RENATA, YAS.”

Renata takes her one-act play to Madeline’s office, only to be interrupted by Mary Louise. Jane and Bonnie run into each other at the beach. Bonnie tells her to open up about everything on the second date, which feels very Bonnie.

Wow, Gordon is drinking beer with a backwards hat and pissing me off. I hope I get invited to Annabella’s birthday party. Now we’re at a conference about climate change for the school and Ed is still trying to be a bad boy, texting in the back. Dude, no one wants to stand. I love that these parents are screaming about how they don’t want their kids to learn about climate change—could I have done this about Algebra?

Madeline is talking about why climate change is a tough subject to teach kids and is serving me a mix between Carrie Bradshaw and Elle Woods. Now she’s quoting a song from the 70s, someone get her off stage ASAP. Oh no, she’s crying. Everywhere like such as. Is this interaction the first time Celeste and Ed talked?

Abigail is doing the best thing a kid could do: grabbing wine. In Celeste’s house, people are looking for stronger stuff. Mary Louise is snooping for clues and Advil PM.

Love when an intense scene is changed up with Jane and her awkward boyfriend hugging in a parking lot. Oh my God now they’re just slow dancing. Is this The Fault in Our Stars?

Cut to Celeste in bed with a video chat of Perry trying to have Skype sex? Sure. Now we cut to a depressing montage of everyone crying—FINE, I’m crying too. Oh I spoke too soon. Celeste isn’t crying, she’s masturbating. Por que no los dos? Oh, and that’s how this episode ends. Climate change awareness and proper clitoris stimulation—honestly, what 2019 is in need of.

Images: HBO; Giphy (4)

Another weekend has gone by of me spending too much money, drinking too much rosé, and texting too many people who just reply a day later saying “uh… who is this?” My only constant? Big Little Lies. If you missed my recap of the first episode, I honestly don’t blame you, work has been crazy for me too—but drinks soon! Regardless, let’s strap in and basically all fly out to Monterey to teach any of these people how to keep a secret and gossip.

To be honest, I missed the first two minutes of this episode because I was too busy nursing my Ariana Grande concert-induced hangover with a sweet potato roll and the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie is mad no one wants to buy her apartment for her… same. Soooo, if anything insane happened then please just DM me on Instagram (@kashmeredanny) and let me know if Renata did any more lip-syncing.

This episode starts with Celeste driving while imagining hot sex and immediately getting in a car accident, but she’s sort of treating it like an orgasm? She’s wearing Uggs, so shout-out to New Jersey. Yikes—turns out she was driving on Ambien and didn’t remember it at all. Anyone who has pants that they in no way can pull off and don’t remember ordering arrive at their door can attest to the dangerous power of Ambien. Suddenly, Madeline picks up Bonnie too, because I guess the writers were inspired by the beginning of That’s 70s Show. Shout-out to Bonnie calling a lazy walk in a cardigan a hike, because same.

Renata is going to be on the cover of the #1 women’s magazine, which I’m assuming is Golf Digest. Oops, before she can schedule her Glam Squad, her husband is getting arrested and the same cop who has been giving them side-eye all day is there.

I’m also so happy that there’s more Meryl Streep vs. Madeline—and also I just now remembered Meryl’s character’s name is Mary Louise but TBH, I feel like I can only call her Meryl Streep out of respect. Still praying for a Ryan Murphy Feud series about these two.

WHY THE HELL IS JANE ON A PSEUDO DATE WITH THE TEENAGER THAT IS ALSO HER COWORKER?? Raise your hand if a guy ever told you “he gets good feelings about people” over a seaweed salad. Starting a support group for all of us whose favorite Asian restaurants are tarnished by bad first dates.

Bonnie’s kids are (obviously) catching on that their mom is spiraling out of control, and by spiraling I mean just being very moody and sighing. Get this girl a fainting couch ASAP. Naturally, she thinks she’s getting watched, because she probably is.

MORE THERAPIST IN THE DARK. Do we think she’s wearing a Countess Cabaret Collection necklace?? She’s trying to help Celeste remember that her husband was a piece of sh*t. Ugh, I just want to give Celeste (and Nicole Kidman) a constant hug. The therapist is having her imagine her friends going through what she’s gone through as a way to realize how awful her experiences really were. Turns out, therapy works?

Renata having to strip tease her way through a court house is truly me going through TSA, flipping out that my water bottle has a little liquid left. This feels like a great topical storyline, though, because I feel like everyone in California is stealing money from their work or  bribing state schools to get their kids to get in. Turns out he bet…everything… and their entire family is f*cked, besides their daughter’s trust fund. Siri, what’s a trust fund?

QUOTE OF MY LIFE: “I WILL NOT NOT BE RICH.”

Nothing is more California than two women in a yoga class debating if one of their crushes has Aspergers while their nipples are showing through their shirt. Uh oh, #girltalk cut short by the introduction of Bonnie’s mom that led to a full-on meltdown.

I’ll give anyone a million dollars to remember the name of any of the husbands on this show week to week. I just keep looking at the screen and going, “maybe Todd?”.

Madeline and Renata coming together is truly the power couple we need, and Renata is suspicious that the cops after them are trying to get them down in different ways. Madeline, trying to help like most friends, offers Xanax.

Update: hot teacher is still hot. He’s here to talk about anything, so I’m scheduling a teacher’s conference ASAP. Celeste’s kids are starting to talk about their dad, and they’re addressing that they don’t think she’s good to talk to because she just tries to pretend everything is okay. Kids, they’re cheaper than therapy—until you have to pay for college.

Celeste and Mary Louise (aka Meryl  Streep) are actually starting to kind of bond and she opens up about the Uber Ambien she took. Streep is renting an apartment nearby and TBH I’m ready to be a roommate. “Madeline told me you and she had words,” okay Kidman, this is not The Hours. Let’s just say they talked sh*t.

Apparently Perry used to describe Celeste as an enigma, which, cool. Guess it’s better than my dates who describe me as “messy and a little too tipsy.”

Oof. This scene is hard. Celeste pushed her kids in a rage and panic about their fighting because she doesn’t want them to be like their dad—only to have Meryl Streep give her major side-eye.

Does Bonnie own a couch? Why is she never sitting on it and always pretending to hike?

Okay, two husbands are talking with none of their wives—time to use the bathroom. Like, they have to talk to each other in-between takes and wonder, “are we really needed here?”

Getting MAJOR TRUE CRIME FEELS with this storyline. Shameless time to plug my podcast with Betches, Not Another True Crime Podcast. Can’t wait for our fictional episode to cover this.

The husband is back on the screen and talking about healthy french fries. I’m sorry, but can we go back to Madeline ordering coffee? Truly could just watch that on a loop. Wait I take it back, because Bonnie’s mom is bat sh*t and stirring the pot. She’s definitely the Dorinda Medley of this world, and I’m here for it. Apparently she loves to cause drama and maybe drinks too much wine, so I’ve found my new favorite character. Also, I love how she’s the only one who obviously was able to connect the dots that she started to become depressed… right after Perry died.

Another Perry x Celeste flashback. I’m refusing to be attracted to him in this show so just going to rewatch True Blood after this. UH-OH, Mary Louise now knows about Jane’s son’s connection but she has no clue how she knows. Layers are happening.

THANK GOD WE’RE BACK TO MADELINE’S HOUSE WHICH IS MY DREAM HOME. Omg Chloe is causing drama now and is the one who told all the kids about this. I’ve never respected her more but also… sh*t is getting real. Apparently the kids have known for a few months, so guess they’re the little part of Big Little Lies. Okay maybe I do like Jane because this scene is wow. Powerful.

Madeline is back and talking about “fundamental principles” which is my homeostasis. Adam Scott, calm down. Madeline probably forgot to tell you about this because she forgot you existed like we all did. Chloe did learn the major thing of gossiping, though: no paper trails and always deny.

Now Mary Louise is acting like our government and not believing a victim. Celeste is now telling her about the abuse that Perry committed, to no avail. Having to talk to your mother-in-law about a rape, abuse, and sex all in one conversation is HBO. Now, Mary Louise is threatening to go to the cops about everything Celeste has been hiding. Damn I’M SO HAPPY THIS SECOND SEASON IS HAPPENING.

Bonnie’s mom is walking around with feathers and crystals, because that’s what happens when you drink too much in California. Okay she’s performing a spiritual cleanse on Bonnie, maybe this is True Blood after all?

Celeste and Jane touch base in scarves the size of Rhode Island, after realizing that their kids entire worlds were… turned upside down. “I know you have to protect your boys but I have to protect mine,” it’s about to be a… Mom Off.  

Madeline and Bonnie talk until Bonnie runs off saying the lie is going to get us. She’s 100% becoming the Lucy Hale of this whole operation.

Renata flipping out on her husband is giving me satisfaction for me and also her, because honestly f*ck all of this guy. Oh, he wanted more. As a white man, all I can say is end white men.

Every Uber driver to me after asking for the Aux cord ten times in a row.

Madeline’s daughter wearing a beret and talking about not wanting to go to college is very Daria, which is a show I love but should stay animated. Drink every time Reese Witherspoon says fundamental, betch loves a buzzword. AND THE DARIA BERET GIRL GOES ON AND DROPS THE BOMB THAT MADELINE CHEATED. ADAM SCOTT’S CHARACTER WILL NEVER WIN.

Love the fireplace, Celeste. Honestly there should be a show after this show just giving us a walk through of all their homes. Would you watch that? HBO, can I host it? The kids now all learn that they’re biologically related. Question of the century: “was our daddy a bad person?” Uhhhh…

Reese pulls a Hilary Duff and comes clean about the affair to an Adam Scott who seems to very much NGAF. He gives her a laundry list of all of her errors which, fair… but come on, she’s Reese. And just like that, Madeline’s fantasy suite is over. Bet her daughter will want to run away to college now to get out of that situation.

Bonnie’s mom is randomly planting at night, which I guess I would probably do if I had a garden and also had three pinot noirs. They’re talking about visions to each other and I’m praying… please don’t make this show about witchcraft. It’s so perfect and good, we don’t need that storyline to start. Real question: does anyone talk to Bonnie’s kids?

Wait I got it: Renata, Celeste and Madeline all move in together, basically becoming the Golden Girls. Then, this show can never end. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Okay and I’m fully sobbing at Jane and Celeste’s kids all coming together as a family. WITH AN ANTIPASTO PLATTER. BE STILL, MY HEART. Damn, this show knows how to continue a story. Until next time.

Me driving off right now but by driving off I mean going to get an iced coffee. Byeee!

Images: Giphy (6), HBO 

Going into this season of Big Little Lies kind of feels like going on a second date or grabbing the last slice of pizza: you’re excited, but also scared. What if it’s bad? What if it gives you a stomach ache? As a BLL purist, I personally thought that the first (and, at first, allegedly only) season was perfect and was initially against talk of making another season—but all someone has to do is say “Meryl Streep” and I appear on my couch at 9pm, pinot noir in hand, ready for whatever may happen next.  

^Reese to me after reading this recap.

We’re back with the Monterey Five, and no, that’s not the name of a horse in the Kentucky Derby—it’s the unofficial nickname of all the main ladies after the scandal. In case you forgot, the first season was gorgeous and perfect and was all about these rich moms who ended up killing one of their husbands because he was an abusive piece of sh*t. And that’s what you missed on Glee.

Let’s go into this with a breakdown of what each character did—or more likely, what type of wine each character drank while staring into the beach. Andy Cohen, are you a secret producer on this? I’m pretty sure 45% of this script is “look longingly and think about how now you have to go against Game of Thrones in the Best Actress category now that you’re no longer a limited series.” The horror.

A more in-depth breakdown is below, but some general observations on this premiere that don’t really matter, but mattered to me:

A musical moment happened at an assembly (maybe this really is Glee) and some girl I 100% forgot about named Tori got a boob job. Happy for her. My favorite moment of this episode was her talking to Adam Scott’s character (Madeline’s husband whose name truly doesn’t matter) in the grocery story surrounded by melons. GET IT? I feel like the writers were like hmm, should we have his character cheat on Madeline as payback? But then realized that he’s just a quiet dork and moved on. Also, does anyone actually use the car speakerphone option besides these five women?

I decided to breakdown this premiere episode by character, because the last time this show was on the air, I could still fit into my skinny jeans (well, fit is a subjective word, but they got above my knees at least). Seriously, only HBO has the confidence to drop a new season of a show two years later and be like: wait, you don’t remember this side character who had one line in episode four? Weird. So let’s check in on the Real Fake Housewives of Monterey. 

Madeline

The queen bee is BACK and her daughter Chloe is still cool AF. Like, I can’t wait for her character to just pick up and move to Brooklyn for high school. It turns out me and Madeline have a lot in common because we both like to double fist cupcakes, get annoyed when someone expects us to do work at work, and are kind of a bitch.

I guess she’s traded in directing community plays for being a realtor—but I was kind of disappointed that the only major drama she deals with this episode is that her kid no longer wants to go to college. Girl, you’re ahead of the curve—all I gained from college was a slow metabolism and ten guys named Chad’s number who I’ll never text. What’s worse: your kid not going to college or your kid saying “I want to work at a start-up”? Sidenote: Reese Witherspoon needs to write the TV movie about the college admissions scandal cause she has the finger on this pulse. Felicity, you’re cool with that, right?

Celeste

YES HER THERAPIST IS BACK but still only half-lit on a chair that looks like it was clearance at Pier One Imports. These were personally my favorite scenes of Celeste’s last season… well, besides that one where she was just sitting on a balcony drinking Smartwater. Her character is having nightmares and may be spiraling, which is fair since she’s trying to cope with the complexity of the loss of her abusive husband. I already can’t wait for her to cave and tell her therapist about what really happened just to watch Reese Witherspoon flip out and scream Withherglassofsauvblanc. Apparently she’s also giving Jane some checks that she’s not cashing from his estate. In case you forgot, Jane’s first season storyline was focused a lot on her trying to find the man who raped her (and try to maybe kill him), and that person turned out to be Celeste’s husband. 

Jane

Bangs happened, and they happened hard. I guess since Shailene makes her own toothpaste, she also does her own haircuts. Uh-oh, she’s working at an aquarium now, which I’m certain was a demand from Shailene ’cause she loves the environment (I mean, same girl). Hats off to HBO for having her give us a fact about an octopus to serve as a metaphor for the show. Ladies kill. The prettier something is, the more dangerous—which is why no one ever crosses the street when they see me. I’m the definition of harmless. Watching her dance on the beach in a Patagonia made me very happy I’m not a beach person, and also very happy that I live in New York. I dare someone to dance while jogging down the street and not get spit on or have a pigeon poop on them.

Please PLEASE tell me her coworker isn’t 17 cause they’re 2000% going to f*ck. Or maybe not because he just went up to her and asked if she was on the spectrum? I’m going to say 33% of the scenes this first episode were as necessary as the 7th shot of tequila I had Friday night. 

The weirdest thing is Jane now asking if Celeste hates her for sleeping with her husband (when he assaulted her) and also drawing Taylor Swift Reputation-era fan art about him, which looks like it will bode on an insane obsession to come. This just confirms my theory never to trust a girl with #BluntBangs. Prove me wrong. 

Bonnie

Apparently a yoga retreat changed her, and potentially not for the better. This is why you don’t go to Tahoe—especially because you get bitter that the group chat carried on without you, and now has a new inside joke as the name. As Madeline says, there’s some sh*t that you can’t just put on Gmail. Like the details of your one night stand or thoughts about the murder you all committed. Her character is getting all the flashbacks from the murder, which makes sense because she’s the one who actually pushed him. Not much has happened with her this episode, besides Bonnie being elusive and apparently installing the most annoying doorbell ever. Literally, all she did was just walk around and sigh, which made me confused: is this HBO or an old episode of The Hills when Lauren Conrad had to work aka send one e-mail? Let’s see if she ends up confessing to the police, or maybe Madeline will just pull a You and lock her in a chamber in her basement before she has the chance.

Renata

Laura Dern is still a national treasure and being The Most kind of mom. Her new kids’ teacher is very hot, so I’m personally starting a prayer circle for them to have a hookup session. Wait, now they’re making her have a photoshoot and sing, WHAT IS HAPPENING. As much as I #FeelTheDern, her singing with a bright flashy blazer served me a mix of the Sex and the City 2 karaoke scene and a drag show I saw last week. Kind of into it, though. While she’s doing that, her husband apparently nursed a drinking problem and a toy train collection. Something tells me he’ll be the next husband all these women go after.

MERYL!!

Wig. For being a gay icon, the wardrobe department really did her dirty. But moment of silence for having her on TV. Seriously, we all deserve some Streep on our TV screens after the awful mess that was the final season of Game of Thrones.

She’s serving Mrs. Doubtfire energy, but I do love how this character gives a nice breath of fresh air in this world. Bringing her into the mix gives the series more layers besides people just shouting their children’s IQ. And by layers, I mean insane layers of her character screaming and crying while at dinner and also the insane layers of her wig. Sorry, I’m still not over it.

Best quote? “I don’t mean that in a negative way, maybe I do.”  RIVALED ONLY BY “who are we planning to kill?” Wait, is my Summer 2019 energy Meryl Streep being a bitch? I don’t hate it for myself. 

Overall, this first episode was kind of slow, but I am excited to see where this goes. I also am obsessed with the sparring match of Meryl vs. Reese. Honestly, with the talent of this cast they all could just be reading my past Seamless orders out loud and it would still be interesting (and not only because I can go off with my selection of side sauces).

Images: HBO; Giphy (6)