Christmas came a little early this year people because the new season of MTV’s Ex on the Beach premiers TONIGHT at 8pm ET and it’s about to be more lit than my Aunt Alice at Christmas dinner. If you’re new to the show then I’m here to publicly shame you here’s the premise: a bunch of unsuspecting singles show up to get trashed on a beach for a few weeks because that’s the broken world we live in and is apparently the only way we can meet anyone these days. The “unsuspecting singles” are all former reality dating rejects (think some of your favorites from The Bachelorette, Are You The One?, Big Brother, and more) who just “want to find love” and a new Instagram branding partnership. Just when they start to open up to someone and prove that they’re not the emotionally stunted circus animals we’ve come to know and love, surprise! The craziest ex MTV’s budget could track down shows up to literally and metaphorically take a blowtorch to whatever scraps of happiness they’ve managed to find. It’s like what I do on a Saturday night, but these people are actually getting paid for it. Fun!
And in honor of the premiere, we spoke with the man, the myth, the meathead Chad Johnson from ABC’s The Bachelorette because—brace yourselves, betches—he’s back on reality TV and DATING AGAIN. God help us all. In the interview we talked about his return to TV with Ex on a Beach, which Bachelor girls are sliding into his DMs, and if he’s still using meats as a coping mechanism. So, let’s see what he had to say!
So we all watched you on The Bachelorette and The Bachelor in Paradise. Did you always want to be on reality TV?
No, not really. It was never so much a plan of mine. I mean I had acted and modeled before, back in 2006, and so I kind of always had it in the back of my mind. I always thought that I would end up having done something from becoming really, really, really wealthy off of some business move and I then I would just be some crazy personality of some rich guy living out in LA or something and I’d get known that way. I didn’t know that it would be through reality TV before I made my millions, you know what I mean?
Yeah, so I’m guessing you never thought you’d find love on reality TV then?
Right, no. Um, that all came about because I had just got done taking care of my mom who had passed away from cancer and reality TV came about because that was the first time I really had the opportunity to date since I had been taking care of her. You know, she had just recently passed away right before I started filming The Bachelorette.
Speaking of The Bachelorette, I know you took a little break from reality dating after Bachelor in Paradise, but now you’re back! So tell us about your new show, Ex on the Beach.
Ex on the Beach was super fun. It’s a totally different world than being on The Bachelor. It’s wild, it’s crazy, but I loved the realness of it and I loved the realness of the people. I made some awesome friends. I mean, even with my friends I had some crazy fights. So you’ll see that for sure.
So, wait, how did you not know that your ex would end up on the beach? Like, how did they get you out there?
Yeah, I had no idea. The way I thought it was supposed to go was, I was just told that it was going to be an untitled dating project. So I thought, “okay, it’s something where I’m gonna be having drinks on a beach somewhere at a mansion, hanging out, and maybe just hooking up and having fun.” And then, they dropped the ex bomb on us, and from there we knew that they had done some research on us. You know, they must have found some way to track down the girls I’d been dating over the last couple years after the shows.
Is JoJo one of the exes who will show up? Please say yes.
Ha. JoJo is not one of the exes. I haven’t talked to that girl since the reunion actually.
What about Lace?
No, no. Nah, I’m done with Bachelor girls. If I want to date a Miss America pageant girl I’ll go to a Miss America pageant. Or I’ll just get on my Instagram DMs.
So who do you have your eye on this season?
So, I mean this season I tried to basically be open to anything. The first day, every girl was good looking so I talked to every girl there. I think you can kind of quickly tell who’s cool and who’s really not. The first few hours there it’s like you don’t want to hit on anybody because you want to figure out whether anybody’s cool or not.
So, like, I talked to Farrah and quickly realized that I, uh, did not want to talk to Farrah. Then I talked to Morgan, and I’ve navigated those waters before. A pretty blonde, white chick is easy for me to get to know her, what to say and do, and it’s just kind of typical for me. That’s what I know and that’s what was easiest at the time, to do what you know. So, like, if you eat chicken every day and then you go to an unfamiliar place then you’re gonna eat chicken.
So I talked to her and then I talked to Nicole—she was beautiful. I knew she was gonna take a little bit more work to get to know because she’s more closed off in terms of initially meeting people and I could tell that. So I knew I wanted to get to know her a little bit but I knew it would take more time.
So let’s get to the drama because I’m a messy bitch and live for that sh*t. You’ve mentioned flirting with Farrah and a few other girls, and I watched the trailer and it looks like you’re already playing two girls. Can you give us any hookup details?
Um I mean you’ll just to watch. So some stuff happens and I think it’s pretty abrupt and I think you’ll see that when you watch it. It’s drama and it’s messy, but it’s messy in a very, like, “Oh sh*t! Okay!” type of way.
So would you say you’ve changed your ways after your Bachelor days or are you back on your bullsh*t?
Am I back on my bullsh*t? Uh, I mean, ever since The Bachelor, I’m older now. It’s been like two and a half, three years, and I’m in a different head space now, you know? My mother didn’t just pass away. I’m not in that angry, grieving stage like I was. I went through a period of three years just dating a lot, you know? So I’m not really in that stage anymore.
I think the show did actually help me learn a bit about myself. I learned to take people’s emotions seriously whereas, you know, before I was just hopping around from Instagram girl to Instagram girl for the last few years. And I think I actually grew with the show and now I’m just focused on my businesses—my health and fitness company, my podcast—and then maybe I’m dating somebody. So you’ll just have to wait and see that on the show.
So speaking of the show, what else can we expect from you this season? You talked about hooking up, but will there be any more fights? Or any bromances over meat?
Oh there’s definitely some meat involved. I think I punted some meat, I stole some meat, so, ah, that was fun. The ex girlfriend situation was unpredictable and that ex comes in and she’s not quite who I thought she was so that’s kind of interesting. There was a lot of fights, there was a lot of arguing but it was, like, in good fun. Even when people were mad we were still having fun, you know what I mean? Everybody was always fighting and I didn’t understand what they were fighting about because 99 percent of their fights were so stupid and, like, petty so I would just run in and just watch and laugh and try and figure out what dumb sh*t they were fighting over now.
So you are back on your bullsh*t, you just weren’t the instigator this time.
Nah. See that’s my thing I’m never the instigator. I’m a reactor. You know you mess with me, sure, I’ll mess with you back. You come at me, I’ll come at you back harder. In this show it didn’t happen to me too much where people were really coming at me. I mean, don’t get me wrong—there were some instances where people do come at me wrong, and I come at them, but for the most part it wasn’t like The Bachelor where every day I’m being attacked by people. And where I feel like I’m fighting for my life basically.
Interesting. So is there any other tea you can spill for us?
Just be on the watch for Nicole’s, ahem, untapped crazy.
And lastly—and most importantly—what is your favorite meat?
I’m gonna have to say, like, steak. I mean, I eat chicken every day but a good steak at the end of every week has got to be the best. Hard to find in a deli meat, but by far the most delicious.
So I guess some things never change. Well we can’t wait to see you bring the drama this season.
Yeah, but I think people are gonna see a different side of me and they’ll see that really I’m, like, a lighthearted, fun guy who does have emotions. I’m not an angry jerk. I think it’ll be a lot of laughs and a lot of fun and people will get to see a totally different side of me than they’ve ever seen before.
So there you have it, people, Hell has frozen over The Chad has changed! Don’t forget, Ex on the Beach premiers tonight on MTV at 8pm ET, but you can also catch Chad recapping and talking sh*t after each episode on his new podcast “Chad’s World”.
Images: Giphy (1); @realchadjohnson /Instagram (1)
I’ve always had a hard time remembering that reality stars don’t live in their own little world on my TV, ready and willing to embarrass themselves at the touch of my on-demand button. They are, in fact, real people out there bringing shame to their family name by blacking out, crapping their pants, and hooking up with inappropriate partners on national television. Now, instead of just sliding into the orifices DMs of former castmates of their own show *cough* Colton *cough*, many reality stars are branching out and swapping STDs with cast members of other reality shows. It’s like a Grey’s Anatomy/Private Practice crossover episode, except no one here is smart enough to be a doctor. If this is modern love, you can just send me straight to hell right now.
This all came to my attention last week when Nick Viall’s most suspiciously low-key Danielle, Danielle M, was cheated on by her boyfriend Paulie Calafiore from Big Brother with Cara Maria from The Challenge. Mind. Blown. We’ll get back to them in a minute. This relationship inspired me to take a look at what other reality stars are crossing the boundaries of their own shows and have hooked up with your favorite reality stars from other shows. This is a tangled web they’re all weaving, so settle in while I make a sad attempt to unravel this jumble of abandoned DNA and lies.
Danielle M/Paulie Calafiore/Cara Maria
First, I’d be remiss if I did not mention the multitude of adult men on reality TV named Pauly/ie. I’m now suspicious of grown men with this name. I’m not saying that means they are all going to be immature man-babies, but I’m not not saying that, you know?
So apparently this Paulie is from Big Brother, which I have never seen. I have enough of a reminder that big brother is watching me every single day when my deepest darkest thoughts that I’ve never confessed to a soul appear as an ad on my Instagram feed. But, I do know Paulie from the absolute dumpster fire that is Ex On The Beach, where it was revealed that he previously cheated on his girlfriend Lexi. What a charmer. Apparently Paulie has been dating Danielle M since January, and then was cast on The Challenge: The Final Reckoning, where he met Cara Maria and immediately lost all sense of human decency. He recently went on a Twitter rant claiming “For now I can’t be monogamous to one person, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work, I love women, I have a lot of female friends and sometimes I fall for multiple at a time for different reasons whether it’s the sex or the energy shared between the two of us. I try to be faithful but I can’t.” Paulie. You’re fucking canceled.
Cory Wharton From The Challenge And Multiple Ladies Of Are You The One?
In this big, scary world that’s always changing, there is one thing we can always count on: if it walks and it talks, Cory Wharton will stick his dick in it. Not only has Cory hooked up with many ladies on his own show, The Challenge, but now he’s working his way through the castmates of Are You The One? like he’ll get a free T-shirt if he bones them all. I hope they have his size left when he’s done!
When Cory appeared on The Challenge: Vendettas last season, he brought along his new girlfriend, Alicia from Are You The One?. This all happened after Cory revealed that he had a baby, Ryder, with Cheyenne Floyd, also from Are You The One?. Cory’s Instagram is private because he’s safer about social media than he is about sex, so unfortunately we don’t have many pictures of him being a great dad. Sad!
But wait, the plot thickens. Cory showed up on Ex On The Beach, revealing that he and Alicia broke up—but don’t fret, because he quickly found comfort in Taylor’s vagina. When I last watched Ex On The Beach, Cory was debating going back to Alicia, and I guess we’ll never know what happens because I deleted that trash show from my DVR when I realized I was not a prisoner of war and didn’t actually have to be subjected to torture. If you’re still subjecting yourself to the on-screen version of waterboarding, hit me up in the comments and let me know how this one turns out for Cory.
Shep Rose/Stacy London/Jaclyn Shuman
Do you all watch Southern Charm? I recently discovered how great it is after years of endlessly mocking the friend that one time had the gall to say I should try it. Sorry for damaging your emotional wellbeing for no reason, Nita! Send me a bill for your therapy sessions, and I will gladly take a look at it before I throw it in the trash. Anyway, Southern Charm is great. There’s gorgeous real estate, convicted felons who think they should run for national office, and Patricia, Queen of the South. And, of course, there is the real life Peter Pan without tights, Shep Rose. I’ve only watched the first two seasons, but boy do I have a crush on Shep circa 2016. If he has a girlfriend now, keep your damn mouth shut and let me have my dream.
Our boy Shep has had a few inter-show relationships, including one with Stacy London from What Not To Wear, aka my own personal Jesus. Cameran Eubanks claimed that Shep and Stacy made out in a bathroom, and while I may not support the location of this hookup because of germs, I fully support this duo. Stacy knows how to dress for her body, and she should go out there and get it. If only this relationship had lasted, I would maybe be willing to let go of my beloved Shep. But ONLY for Stacy.
Shep has also apparently hooked up with Jaclyn Shuman, a second-tier castmate on the poor man’s Vanderpump Rules, Summer House. All I really remember about Jaclyn is that she was a “fit model” which basically means her face isn’t weird enough to be an actual model but she’s starved herself to a point where they’ve rewarded her with a job. Next time at least save it for a Wirkus twin, Sheppie. They get top billing.
Well, that was exhausting and I’m just writing about these hookups. I can only imagine how tiring it all is for Cory. If you all know any other reality star relationships that I can stalk during work hours on my lunch break, do tell!
Images: Giphy (2); @relationshep/instagram
It’s been less than two months since The second most famous Apprentice-star-turned-White-House-official Omarosa Manigault left her job in the Trump administration, and she’s now safely back on reality television where she belongs. She’s currently living in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and she already spilled the tea on Trump’s tweets.
Omarosa wasted no time before milking her recent political experience for reality show gold, and her conversation with Ross Mathews is one of the best things we’ve seen in a long time. Ross and Omarosa are sitting on the most uncomfortable-looking couch we’ve ever seen, and Omarosa is wrapped in a blanket as if someone pulled the fire alarm in her building while she was taking a shower, except she has clothes on.
Omarosa has these lines ready to go. This is 2018. pic.twitter.com/sGwZxIK89B
— deray (@deray) February 8, 2018
Ross asks her why the fuck she decided to get involved in the Trump administration in the first place (same), and Omarosa says through tears that she felt like she was answering a call of duty to serve her country. Like all of us at home, Ross obviously isn’t buying it, but he sits and listens like any self-respecting gay who knows there’s gossip to collect. Omarosa claims that she was “haunted by tweets every single day,” which accurately describes literally all of us for the past year.
Ross asks if she tried to intervene, and she says that her efforts to get through to the Donald resulted in her being pushed further away. “Ivanka’s there, Jared’s there,” she says, apparently listing the other people who have been completely useless in their year in the White House. When Ross asks who does have the power to get through to Trump, Omarosa responds with some next-level bullshit: “I don’t know…I’m not there…It’s not my circus, not my monkeys…” Bitch, what?
Ross, who apparently came prepared with a list of questions that we all want answers to, then asks Omarosa if we should be worried. We know the answer is yes, but hearing Omarosa basically growl “it’s BAAAAD” strikes a fear in our hearts that we’ve never felt before. Like, she must know even more than we do, and she clearly isn’t comforted by any of this extra info.
Ross asks her to say it’s going to be okay just for shits, but Omarosa won’t fucking say it. It’s just not going to be okay. No, I’m not sweating right now, that’s just some random water on my forehead. Everything is fine, I’m fine, we’re all fine, it’s all good. Fuck.
Celebrity Big Brother is just getting started, and this shit is on five nights a week, so prepare for many more dramatic Omarosa/Trump moments if she sticks around for a while before getting evicted. Omarosa is currently in her seventeenth minute of fame, and she needs to prolong that shit as much as possible. Ross, meanwhile, will be in the corner hyperventilating into a paper bag.
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On the list of couples who should absolutely not be producing offspring, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are at least in the top five, right after Sami and Ronnie and Justin Bieber and anyone. But sadly for all of us, the day we all knew would eventually happen has finally come to pass: Speidi is pregnant. I guess they’ve come a long way from appearing on Marriage Boot Camp season 4, or at least, let’s hope so for the child’s sake. According to Spencer (who is about 9 months away from getting his very own World’s Most Reviled Dad T-shirt), he was “half asleep” when Heidi broke the big news. According to Pratt, Heidi was “literally glowing. I thought she was about to say she made muffins or banana bread.”
Okay so pause. You thought your newly pregnant wife of eight years looked so happy because she had just made you muffins? I guess in a way a baby is kind of like the greatest baked good of all, but still, ain’t nobody ever heard of a “banana bread glow.” Sounds like you were just hungry, Spenc.
Heidi, who is now 30 years old and has an entirely new face, told Us Weekly that she is currently 12 weeks along and due October 12th—which I’m pretty sure is the day the Mayans predicted the world would end, so it looks like we’re right on track. Heidi also told Us that she was “overwhelmed” in the moment, though she did not mention bread, banana or otherwise.
To the question “Are you pampering Heidi?” Spencer responded “I’m doing dishes!” which is an obvious lie considering that Spencer and Heidi have never done their own dishes a day in their lives. But maybe he meant to say, “I’m making sure the help does all the extra dishes we’re going to have now that Heidi is eating for two”? Also, is that really your response to a reporter asking how well you’re taking care of your pregnant wife? Like, you couldn’t even make up a lie about giving her a foot rub or something? Good Lord, Spencer, can you not even pretend to be an acceptable mate?
So what does this mean for Speidi’s future—apart from the fact that Heidi will probably go immediately from the birthing room to the liposuction table in order to get her pre-baby body back while Spencer gets fatter by the second? Well, according to Spencer, Heidi has “wanted to be a mom since the day I met her” and “she has planned for and thought about this”—so, like anything that has ever been important to Heidi in her life, her husband will inevitably destroy it. Cue Spencer getting jealous of the baby one week out and making Heidi choose between them.
So if Heidi has wanted a baby for so long, why did the couple wait? Well, as Heidi explained to US, up until now the couple had “work obligations” such as Celebrity Big Brother in the U.K., which she “did not want to be pregnant for.” What a sweet birth story. Can’t wait for their baby to eventually ask how it was born and for Heidi to explain that “When two people love each other very much, and don’t need to be skinny for any television engagements, then a little miracle is born!”
While of course we all wish the new family the best of luck (do we, though?), this news is probably more than a little alarming to The Hills fans who have not yet forgotten the multiple baby related freakouts Spencer had on the show, or the time he called Heidi’s mom “just a vagina!” Anybody want to take me up on a bet that Spencer brings Audrina into the birthing room as a pre-baby power play? Either way, I think we can all smell a new Baby Pratt-based reality show in the making, which is great because we all need a new show to hate-watch right now.
