Diggy here from season 13 of The Bachelorette and season 4 of Bachelor in Paradise. Betches thought my Twitter commentary on all things Bachelor was fire, so they gave me room for more than 280 characters.
I’m going to try to do my part to recap what was a somewhat anti-climactic Episodes 2 & 3 of Bachelor in Paradise. If you don’t like spoilers, please read anyway, as we need as many eyes on this as possible.
Episode 2 kicks off with Colton returning from his date with Tia, and he’s immediately cornered by Goose (Chris) and the rest of the Rat pack (which consists of Jordan and Nick), and they demand to know what his intentions are here in Paradise. From afar, it looks like they’re filming a fight scene from a late 90’s musical where no one gets touched and they only snap fingers, but they do get down to business eventually. Colton hints at still being in love with Becca, which Chris responds with: “Then why are you here??” In less than a few words Colton pretty much says: “I’ll be damned if I miss out on these airline miles.” Plus, Tia’s here.
The next morning, the smartest guy on the beach, Venmo John, “finds” a date card, and Kenny is now the lucky person that gets to get off the island. With his newfound popularity, Kenny talks to Bibiana, Nysha, Chelsea, and Krystal, and he decides to take the newly hobbled Krystal on the date (she somehow managed to hurt her foot on a rock on the beach, which I can personally attest is 99% sand). Kenny’s date is a wrestling date (if you didn’t see that coming, LASIK is for you) where he and Krystal get to enjoy a real life Nacho Libre, minus the tortilla chips. A few kisses happen, but mostly just perspiration from Kenny.
Back on the beach, Jordan makes “dinner plans” for Annaliese. Notably missing from said dinner: plates, utensils, and food. Anyway, it’s the thought that counts…but she’s still hungry. Kevin, who was trying to start something with Krystal, starts looking at Astrid like he wants to crawl all over her, but it’s actually a lizard that beats him to the punch instead. He takes her to beach and their lips lock and he throws away the key. BUH BYE, KRYSTAL.
Pause here, because, YUKI’S BACK!!! She was a star on Winter Games for her personality and lack of English. That 2 week stint in our hearts has now qualified her to pour shots (which she has never done) in another country, which just proves to us that she’s just trying to fill up her passport.
Cocktail Party time, meaning two guys are going home. Awkward convos happen, Hail Mary’s are thrown, but ultimately it’s the Tia and Colton show… again. Tia grabs Colton to chat, and she pretty much tells him that everyone is saying Colton is an immature 6th grader (which for the record, is not true, he’s a lot older than that). Colton tells her that he wants to see what’s out there, and that she should do what makes him happy, because then she’d be happy. Well, whatever the hell that means. Chris then picks up the pieces by spitting hot fire and saying he’s here for Tia and nothing else (remember I said this).
Rose ceremony shakes out as such: Krystal to Kenny, Astrid to Kevin, Tia to Chris, Kendall to Joe, Nysha to Eric, and Angela to John. At this point, we just knew Colton was going home, but Bibiana (*cough cough* producers) decide to give Colton a rose so he can “have the chance to find love.” Those keeping score at home, yes we lost fly-ass Wills and Nick just so we can have more of the Tia/Colton saga.
If you thought you were going to have a full week without our most recent Bachelorette, Becca, you were wrong. In the beginning of episode 3, she shows up the next day, like that trust fund friend with nothing better to do. Becca talks to Tia, and by doing so, haunts Colton in the process.I’m not sure if the producers hate Colton or not, but god is he easy to make fun of. Colton starts crying on a rock smaller than him, and Becca essentially consoles him back to health. Boom, now he has closure, and can be the savage Colton that America has come to know and love.
In what we have to imagine is AMAZING editing, Annaliese continually states how much she’s into Jordan, and then boom—Jenna walks in and leaves Jordan as speechless as we’ve ever seen him. (It must be noted: Her outfit is pink, in addition to her hair, which makes me hope she sticks around so I can see if her hair will always match her outfits.) Jenna takes Jordan on the date, and this dude is GIDDY. They ride horses and make out on the beach (and everywhere else). Also present on this date: a black box that covers Jenna’s butt the entire time. Essentially this date was just taking turns breathing for each other. Jordan comes back to the beach and pretty much tells Annaliese “good luck” and gives her two fingers. David tries to ruffle a few feathers by celebrating Jenna’s birthday with her alone, and Jordan sits there like a chaperone, ensuring that there is no physical contact.
Caroline (Arie’s season) shows up super nervous and literally is speaking a mile a minute. (Someone KISS her already so she can stop talking, PLEASE.) She takes John on the date, who is polar opposite of her normal type of guy. This date REEKED of a friendship, but somehow Caroline is into it. They drink, they dance, a kiss happens, Paradise wins again. Jubilee shows up the next morning, asks John on a date (literally asking him while he’s snuggling with Caroline…SAVAGE) and he says yes. Ziplining and nerdy convo, once again, this date is heading to the platonic section.
Kenny decides to make a night beach date for Krystal, but Krystal pretty much tells him to check your brakes, and then pump them. He pretty much got friend zoned when males have the power…BALLSY move, Krystal. Fast forward to 5 minutes later when she’s making out with Chris (yes, Tia’s Chris) on the daybed. Colton finds out, and runs faster than he did as a football player to tell Tia that Chris kissed Krystal. While chatting to Jordan about how he has everything in the bag, Tia confronts Chris in a fashion that has me ANXIOUS for next week!
Images: Giphy (2)
I’m not gonna lie, sometimes it feels like we’re the only ones who actually care about The Bachelor. But today I know there’s at least one other Bachelor-obsessed psycho out there, because someone analyzed the data on Bachelor contestants getting Instagram famous. Thank god, now that this information exists I can finally go to sleep. Seriously, this must have taken a lot of work, because there are percentages and screenshots and just overall meticulous research. This person is definitely getting a rose. Arie tried pretty hard to ruin The Bachelor forever, but it’s real homies like this that keep the love going even in a world of fuckboys.
It’s no surprise that going on a show like The Bachelor leads to a nice bump in your social media stats, but not all influencers are created equal. Some of the women on Arie’s season had thousands of followers before they were even cast, while others had sad little private accounts with only a few hundred followers. While all of the women from season 22 (still unbelievable that there have been that many seasons) increased their follower total, it’s interesting to see who benefits the most from their time making a fool of themselves on national TV.
This season, it’s no surprise that the girls who gained the most followers were the ones who made it to the end. Becca K. is the overall winner (and no one can take this win away from her), after she went from a private account with 450 followers (sad!) to over 600,000. That’s an increase of 139,475%. Congratulations Becca, you fucking won. With her announcement as the next Bachelorette, she’ll likely go even higher. It’s what she deserves.
The rest of this season’s top five, in order, are Tia, with a 28,863% increase; Lauren B., with 24,587%; Bekah M., with 14,633%; and Jacqueline, with 13,334%. Lauren B. wins the prize for most followers but least personality, while Bekah is obviously just like, the best. Bekah and Bibiana are also the first two girls from the season to get verified, which means they’re better than you and they know it, and also that Bibiana has an amazing publicist.
Fittingly, the women who went home first also gained the fewest followers. No offense ladies, but I don’t follow anyone who I couldn’t pick out from a crowd, or anyone who spells Britney with an “-ane” ending. It’s just a personal rule of mine, and I make no apologies. Seriously, does anyone remember who these people are? Valerie? Amber? Nope, completely blank.
So obviously it’s fun to look at these Instagram stats, but it also highlights a bigger phenomenon that we’ve seen on The Bachelor in recent years: some people might, like, um, not be there for the right reasons? Back when this shit started, it was all just innocent women who seemed like they were kind of over the whole dating scene, and they really wanted to find love! Simpler times.
Now, everyone comes in with catchphrases, a social media strategy, and at least two side projects that they’re already working on. You really think she’s a nurse? No silly, she’s just doing nursing while she waits to get endorsed by her favorite hair straightener brand. Overall it doesn’t really matter because this is just The Bachelor, but it’s pretty obvious why people want to go on the show, and it’s not Arie’s overwhelming charm.
So basically, if you want guaranteed Instagram fame, all you have to do is make it on The Bachelor, and preferably finish in the top six or seven. Bonus points if you cause enough drama to get picked for Paradise because that’s just one more opportunity to grow your ~brand~. Or like, do that shit for love if that’s what you’re into, I’m not judging.
Images: Giphy (3); Instagram: @bkoof
Catch up on this week’s Bachelor recap here!
Watching The Bachelor, especially a season premiere, is basically an exercise in competitive judging—and this week was no exception. While I learned relatively little about human yawn Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr., other than the fact he
likes underage women drives race cars, I learned a whole lot by judging the shit out of every woman’s hometown video, outfit, and general demeanor. While the contestants may have bigger boobs and smaller vocabularies than the people you hang out with, every girl you love to hate on this show is definitely a KIND of girl you know in real life. Here’s a rundown of the types of people in your friend group, as represented by Bachelor contestants.
Chelsea: The “Work Hard Play Hard” Friend
Chelsea is the friend you always kind of wish you could cut out of your life, but you know your life would be much more sedentary if she weren’t around to drag your ass to SoulCycle or bully you into dancing on yet another table. Somehow, “chill nights in” never seem to happen to this person: she’s always working, working out, or pounding shots, and she does all three with the same super intense vibe of someone who’s GETTING SHIT DONE. She’s kind of inspirational but honestly exhausting.
Maquel: The Flirty Friend
You would be more jealous of this friend for her endless confidence, but her ability to do just about anything without getting embarrassed is way too fun to give up. Even though you silently judge at least 50% of her choices, she’s super fun to go out with because she gives no fucks and her primary goal in life is to have a good time.
Tia: The Shy Friend
Tia is sweet, but Tia is tragic. Her jokes are both unfunny and overly sexual, and she seems like someone who’s spent her whole life trying to break out of crushes on guys who think of her as a baby sister. She laughs a little too hard at everyone’s jokes and has never approached a guy in her life, but she’d hold your hair back and call you an Uber with the least bitching out of all your friends, so it’s a toss-up.
Bekah M.: The Hipster Half-Friend
Bekah M. is often insufferable, but too much of a threat to be ignored. For whatever reason, she’s not satisfied with just being hot and needs to also pose as some variation of an artist/intellectual/Great Explorer of Life who’s way too cool for the “petty drama” of you being pissed when she’s consistently four hours late. Bekah M. is the most likely of your friends to pretend to smoke weed, or say she “doesn’t play games” with guys, while being a literal psychopath. Since she’s both unreliable and insufferably faux-earnest, it’s kind of hard to be too close to Bekah—but you became friends because she’s ultimately a cool girl who’s just way too into herself (aren’t we all).
Bibiana: The Wild Card
Bibiana is the kind of girl who “falls in love” at least once a week and seems totally naïve, but also has a dark side. She comes off as being totally open and friendly (she just has a lot of feelings!) but she’s also confident AF and would probably beat someone up for you. Basically, she may seem a little bubbly/vulnerable, but you definitely shouldn’t mess with Bibiana.
All done? Good. Pick the one most like your BFF and spend the rest of this season mocking her for all the dumb shit her doppelgänger does—preferably from six inches away over wine, as
ABC God intended.
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