As most Americans with a working Internet connection know by now, Tristan Thompson and Jordyn Woods are currently set up to be the most hated people in America. Khloé Kardashian reportedly dumped Tristan Thompson last night—not, y’know, because he cheated on her days before she gave birth. It’s because he cheated on her once again—this time, with Kylie’s BFF Jordyn Woods. Apparently, Thompson flew into town for Valentine’s Day (aw), but then spent Sunday at a house party “snuggled up” with Jordyn. TMZ reported they were “all over each other” and “making out,” (TBH, grateful we at least don’t have to hear about Thompson “making out, grabbing junk, motorboating” again. As I’m sure Khloe is too.)
Look, no matter what happened, I’m sure we can all agree that Khloé should dump Tristan’s ass once and for all. But given how close Jordyn is to the family (remember that recent series of her and Kylie in blackface matching bikinis?), I’m obviously very excited concerned to see what kind of rifts this incident could cause. Here’s what the Internet has to say so far, and all the hints we’ve gathered that the cheating rumors are true.
First off, Tristan apparently tweeted “FAKE NEWS” following the incident—then deleted it.
View this post on Instagram
#PostAndDelete : #TristanThompson tweets #FakeNews after reports surfaced that he allegedly cheated on #KhloeKardashian with #JordynWoods — He deleted his tweet shortly after ??? — A source close to #JordynWoods is also denying the allegations. We spoke to people close to the Kardashians who says this denials are “cover ups”.
While many of us might take that as confirmation the reports are false, if we’ve learned anything from James Kennedy (or Trump, for that matter), when someone calls something “fake news”, that means it’s incredibly likely to be real news, and furthermore, that there’s probably proof of it. (Otherwise why would his publicist demand he take down the tweet? Famous men have lied their way through worse…)
Confounding this “did Jordyn Woods hook up with Tristan Thompson” sh*tstorm is this recent Instagram from Jordan, but more importantly, this comment by Khloé.
This photo was uploaded two days ago, after the alleged cheating would have occurred, and still Khloé commented “baby girl”. If Jordyn did hook up with Tristan, would Khloé really be commenting cute things on her Instagrams? Then again, if the timeline of the incident is to be believed (which I will get to in a second), this comment could have occurred literally right before Khloé found out about the alleged cheating.
Next up in the “they really hooked up” evidence, we have this incredibly cryptic tweet from Jordyn—posted Sunday, the day she and Tristan allegedly hooked up.
I could love you and still cut you tf off.
— Jordyn Woods (@jordynwoods) February 17, 2019
In it, she says “I could love you and still cut you tf off.” Which yeah, is one way to announce to your close friends that you’re a cold-blooded sociopath who will hook up with the father of their children at any point. Though in her case, it’s really more the Kardashian/Jenners who have the ability to “cut someone off” here—by which I mean Jordyn is dreaming if she thinks her career is not taking a hit from this. You don’t mess with America’s royal family and come out on top, honey. You can talk to Blac Chyna about that.
While Jordyn and Tristan are busy being shady on Twitter, the Kardashians and their allies are sharing their feelings with another time-honored social media tradition: the telling Instagram comment. In a now-deleted post by Hollywood Unlocked, founder Jason Lee puts forth a pretty damning series of claims about the incident.
In the video, Lee confirms the entire thing. He says one of his writers was there, and reported to Lee that Tristan “took everybody’s phone” (yikes), then Jordyn came in and “was all up in lap,” “ was all over her,” “touchy-feely,” and—the kicker—“you let the girl stay the night until seven in the morning.” Honestly, I’m feeling like this is all the proof I need—and Khloé and her friends seem to agree.
Thanks to Comments By Celebs doing the lord’s work out here, you’ll notice Malika Haqq (Khloé’s BFF) commenting “STRONG FACTS,” Larsa Pippen (another family friend) commenting “Amen!!!” and Khloé herself just adding shouting emojis. If I were Khloé, my entire brain would just be shouting emojis at this point, so I really feel that. Malika goes above and beyond to prove herself as bestie of the year (to be fair, the bar just got way lower), and commented on another post about the situation saying “These hoes ain’t loyal.”
So…Malika in, Jordyn out? While Kylie hasn’t officially responded to the rumors yet, a source told E! News that “the whole family is writing Jordyn off,” and adds that Kylie “was in denial for days.” For now, it doesn’t seem like the Kardashians have taken action—Khloé and Kylie still follow Jordyn, and in other mildly suspect news, Jordyn and Tristan don’t follow each other.
In a final twist to this situation, which I am updating in real time, Tristan apparently admitted to Khloé that it was true when she confronted him. Several sources approached Us Weekly that Tristan “admitted it was true” when she confronted him on Monday.
And there we have it. Tristan Thompson and Jordyn Woods are over, cancelled, done. Can’t wait to see what kind of pointed inspirational quotes Khloé posts on her Instagram for the next month, and really can’t wait for a Revenge Body: Part II. (In that one, she gets Hulk-strong and beats the sh*t out of all her exes).
Just this week, I was thinking how sad I am that Vanderpump Rules is in its off season. (Yes, I have a rich and full life, don’t @ me.) Then, as if answering my prayers, Kristen Doute ‘Grammed something last night that required—nay, DEMANDED—my attention. Please see Kristen’s post announcing the pregnancy of Josh Peck’s wife below. Yes, Kristen Doute and Josh Peck not only know who the other is, but they know each other well enough to post about major life events.
Yep, you read that right. Kristen Doute, T-shirt designer and resident Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, will soon be “Auntie Kristen” to the child of Josh Peck. AKA Josh from Drake & Josh. Josh, the Oprah-loving nerd who has no business being old enough to have children!!! If you listen carefully, you can hear the sound of my childhood exploding. And the sound of me scouring the internet for old episodes of Drake & Josh. And of my weekend being lost to a ‘90’s nostalgia binge watch. Anyway.
Beyond the dubious wisdom of allowing Kristen Doute near your baby, there’s an obvious question here. WHAT is the connection between Kristen Doute and Josh Peck? This isn’t just Kristen weirdly stanning—Josh Peck commented “Love youuuuuu” on her IG, and his wife commented “We love you so much!” So, something’s up. Luckily, these two are both avid enough users of social media that I was able to find the answers. After a little digging, here’s what I found.
They’ve Been Friends For Years
According to this tweet, Josh was one of Kristen’s first friends when she moved to LA. Try as I might, I can’t find exactly what year that was. But her first IMDB credit is 2010, and season 1 of Vanderpump Rules filmed in 2012, so let’s say somewhere in that range. Either way, it’s been a 5+ year friendship, and she’s a big fan of his wife.
@ItsJoshPeck was one of my first friends in LA, now he's MARRIED to his bff Paige ????????one of the most beautiful chicks I've ever met-love you! pic.twitter.com/cplvpcJBEf
— kristen doute ???? (@kristendoute) June 20, 2017
Their Tweet Relationship Is A Little One-Sided
I pointed out earlier that Josh and Paige commented on Kristen’s Instagram for a reason. If you looked at their Twitter interactions alone, it would be kind of hard to tell whether he and Kristen were real friends, or she was just a fan. I’m not exactly rock solid on decoding Twitter relationships, but the fact that she’s retweeting him and replying—and he’s not so much as liking those retweets—seemed a little off to me. I’m not calling Kristen a liar, but I’m not calling her a truther either.
“@PortableShua: Trapped https://t.co/TRAbJ8afbD” Ohh kid, I just started vining. It's on. ????
— kristen doute ???? (@kristendoute) April 28, 2013
“@PortableShua: Life isn't all Nachos and Nicki Minaj” …but it should be. #housewivestagline
— kristen doute ???? (@kristendoute) January 25, 2015
Josh Peck May Have Auditioned For ‘VPR’
In a since-deleted post (SOB) from March 2017, Josh wrote the following caption. “@paigeobrienn and I auditioning for #pumprules season 6. @twschwa @kristendoute.” Was this probably a joke? Yeah, though there’s NO WAY OF KNOWING without the picture. Now that the option has been opened to me, I feel like I can’t move on without knowing what a picture of Josh Peck pretending to be auditioning for VPR looks like. But anyway, this caption brings us one other piece of important information: Josh is ALSO friends with Schwartz. Maybe the three of them kicked it back in the day before Kristen introduced Katie and Tom? Maybe Katie secretly hates Josh, and she’s the reason they don’t hang out anymore. Maybe there’s a whole spin-off/crossover Drake & Josh in the works about it…okay, okay. A girl can dream.
Ultimately, Josh and Schwartz’s friendship is shrouded in even more mystery than Kristen Doute and Josh Peck’s. In fact, Schwartz didn’t even like Kristen’s IG post congratulating them—but Katie did. Then again, Katie probably has an alert on her phone for when Kristen posts. She seems like that kind of friend. Let’s hope now that Kristen has declared her Josh love to the world, the rest of the VPR cast will have no choice but to follow suit. I’ll leave you with @katelyn_lately’s comment on Kristen’s Instagram, where she says what we’re all thinking. Enjoy your weekends—I know my Nickelodeon-bingeing ass will.
Images: Twitter; Instagram