worlds summers came to a screeching halt when it became apparent that Bachelor in Paradise was probably canceled for the season, but like the patron saint she is, Beyoncé has come to rescue us all from a life of mundanity. Rumors are swirling that Beyoncé is in labor with the twins, and if this is true, this just might be what we need to get us through the day week.
Beyoncé or her people haven’t publicly said she’s in labor, of course, but that doesn’t matter. You see, some
desperate stans unnamed sources in Los Angeles reported that one of the hospitals there has a ton of security right now, which could only mean one thing. No, not that given today’s climate it makes sense for establishments to take extra safety precautions, but obviously that Beyoncé is in labor. I for the life of me haven’t been able to find out which hospital has this reported high security so that I can camp out and wait for the birth of these little deities do some in-person investigative journalism. Oh well. I tried, you guys.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think that Beyoncé is currently in labor. Like, for one, do you really think fucking Beyoncé of all people would go to a hospital that regular people go to like some peasant? No. This is Beyoncé we’re talking about. She’s probably giving birth in some high-end spa that costs like, $3,000 a minute that happens to employ a few doctors and midwives who will sing to her as she gracefully slides out two twins without even breaking a sweat. Come on. Do you think Beyoncé would risk contaminating her babies’ air with the air that not just normal people, but sick normal people breathe? No.
Either that or she’s giving birth at home in the comfort of her own mansion with the company of like, her doula and a bunch of healing crystals and no less than five of the world’s top obstetricians. I’m sorry, but I just cannot imagine a world in which Beyoncé gives birth in a regular fashion. This is the woman who almost fell off a chair while pregnant during a live TV performance and released not a diss track, but an entire diss album AIMED AT HER OWN HUSBAND—I don’t think “chill” is in her vocabulary.
For now we’ll have to wait and see if these rumors pan out, but I don’t think I’m getting ahead of myself by requesting the rest of the week off of work in preparation. I mean, the twins’ birthday is bound to be declared a federal holiday anyway so I’m just getting ahead of the game.
Here to make you feel like a literal piece of garbage on this bleak Monday, in which you are probably hungover and very sad and a little fat, is Beyoncé. If you missed her Grammys performance last night, how fucking dare you. SMDH, you are so selfish. Bey, while still pregnant with twins, took to the stage to sing both “Love Drought” and “Sandcastles” from her life changing record/visual album masterpiece, Lemonade. There were holograms. There was nudity. There were yellow sheets. There were tons of other women. It actually might have just been Jay Z’s fever dream, now that I really think about it.
After being introduced by her mother, Tina (who I think I might be very afraid of, but that’s a separate emotional journey I’ll look into at another date), Bey came out in a gold dress and headpiece. Then, the three hottest performers in music right now, Bey, Red, and Yellow* did the damn thing. And by that I mean, made every mere mortal feel simultaneous joy for how lucky they are to have Beyoncé, and regret for their paltry list of accomplishments. Here are the performance’s highlights.
*Red and Yellow are the names of the Carter-Knowles Twins® until proven otherwise.
1. When She Looked Better Naked And Pregnant Than Approximately 100% Of Us Ever Will
Beyoncé is pregnant with twins and she still looks like a rock star.
2. When She First Graced The Stage And Announced That She’s The Leading Ruler Of Our Country
World: SLAY BEYONCE MY QUEEN GODDESSSSSS LET ME WEAR YOUR SKIN LOL JK BUT NOT REALLY CAN I WEAR IT?
Beyoncé: These peasants think I’m a goddess so I guess I’ll just like…become one?
A good reminder to dress for the life you want.
(Side note: How many teenagers are going to try and replicate that gold flower crown at Coachella this year? Taking bets now.)
3. When The Spoken Word Portion Was Lit
This looks like what acid feels like.
4. When She Rose Like Jesus, And Everyone, Including Donald J. Trump, Began To Sob
(Yes, I did photoshop that tweet.)
5. When All Of Her Dancers Bowed The Fuck Down And She Walked The Table Holding Her Stomach As If She Just Ate Some Bomb-Ass Meal
This is the updated version of “The Last Supper” right?
6. When She Trusted That Chair Wouldn’t Fall, Proving Once Again That She Trusts Things Too Easily (See: Cheating Husband)
^^^Actual footage of me, trying to “Lean In.”
7. When She Just Wanted To Lie Down Real Quick Because Even Michael Jordan Takes Naps
8. When More People Bowed Down To Her
Wait, omg are those doulas and is she about to give birth?
Is Liz from The Bachelor there?
9. When She Personified ‘IDFWU’
This is my intended aesthetic.
10. When She Finally Sat Down And Fucking Nailed Those Vocals
Full disclosure: I tried to not fall under the stereotype of “white women who cry every time Beyoncé does anything,” but here we are. I’ve sobbed so much into my glass of Pinot Noir that it now resembles Rosé.
On a separate note, there were another set of twins that looked mighty fly on that stage.
Fuck the Grammys, this performance deserves an Oscar. Honestly, it’s the best film I’ve seen all year.
Related: We Just Have A Lot Of Feelings About Beyoncé Losing To Adele
Hear ye, hear fuckin’ ye, it’s basically the most magical day of 2017 so far and OBVIOUSLY that’s because it’s a day where Beyoncé fucks our shit up.
This morning, on February 1st, 2017 *writes date down in calendar as holiday* Queen Bey announced that she and Jay-Z are expecting TWINS. Like, just fuck me up fam. One baby and I would have been stoked AF, but two? I’m low-key about to pass out.
Of course, ‘Yonce announced it on Instagram while surrounded by a throne of flowers, that were grown using the most pure sunlight and the tears of adoring fans everywhere. Remember when Kim tried to break the internet with a champagne bottle on her ass? Beyoncé has literally done it by just existing and having a kid. Iconic.
This might be the one thing that becomes a bipartisan celebration. Beyoncé has made the first, most crucial step to saving 2017. Now she needs to tackle this immigration ban and then all will be chill in the world.
TOMI LAHREN: Beyoncé is a piece of shit snowflake, erg celebirties they don’t get it, blah blah
THE WORLD: CASH ME OUTSIDE, HOW BOUT DAH
After the past week and a half of this political shit show, Bey clearly realized the world needed the news of her gene pool spreading now more than ever. I imagine one day Beyoncé was sitting in her tower somewhere in New York, looking down at the protests and turned to Jay-Z like: “It’s time.”
Can’t wait to obsess over these children like the world does with Blue Ivy. If these kids are named “Magenta Fern” or some shit I’m going to be a little disappointed, but whatever.
This has been a public service announcement, you’re fucking welcome.