Here to make you feel like a literal piece of garbage on this bleak Monday, in which you are probably hungover and very sad and a little fat, is Beyoncé. If you missed her Grammys performance last night, how fucking dare you. SMDH, you are so selfish. Bey, while still pregnant with twins, took to the stage to sing both “Love Drought” and “Sandcastles” from her life changing record/visual album masterpiece, Lemonade. There were holograms. There was nudity. There were yellow sheets. There were tons of other women. It actually might have just been Jay Z’s fever dream, now that I really think about it.
After being introduced by her mother, Tina (who I think I might be very afraid of, but that’s a separate emotional journey I’ll look into at another date), Bey came out in a gold dress and headpiece. Then, the three hottest performers in music right now, Bey, Red, and Yellow* did the damn thing. And by that I mean, made every mere mortal feel simultaneous joy for how lucky they are to have Beyoncé, and regret for their paltry list of accomplishments. Here are the performance’s highlights.
*Red and Yellow are the names of the Carter-Knowles Twins® until proven otherwise.
1. When She Looked Better Naked And Pregnant Than Approximately 100% Of Us Ever Will
Beyoncé is pregnant with twins and she still looks like a rock star.
2. When She First Graced The Stage And Announced That She’s The Leading Ruler Of Our Country
World: SLAY BEYONCE MY QUEEN GODDESSSSSS LET ME WEAR YOUR SKIN LOL JK BUT NOT REALLY CAN I WEAR IT?
Beyoncé: These peasants think I’m a goddess so I guess I’ll just like…become one?
A good reminder to dress for the life you want.
(Side note: How many teenagers are going to try and replicate that gold flower crown at Coachella this year? Taking bets now.)
3. When The Spoken Word Portion Was Lit
This looks like what acid feels like.
4. When She Rose Like Jesus, And Everyone, Including Donald J. Trump, Began To Sob
(Yes, I did photoshop that tweet.)
5. When All Of Her Dancers Bowed The Fuck Down And She Walked The Table Holding Her Stomach As If She Just Ate Some Bomb-Ass Meal
This is the updated version of “The Last Supper” right?
6. When She Trusted That Chair Wouldn’t Fall, Proving Once Again That She Trusts Things Too Easily (See: Cheating Husband)
^^^Actual footage of me, trying to “Lean In.”
7. When She Just Wanted To Lie Down Real Quick Because Even Michael Jordan Takes Naps
8. When More People Bowed Down To Her
Wait, omg are those doulas and is she about to give birth?
Is Liz from The Bachelor there?
9. When She Personified ‘IDFWU’
This is my intended aesthetic.
10. When She Finally Sat Down And Fucking Nailed Those Vocals
Full disclosure: I tried to not fall under the stereotype of “white women who cry every time Beyoncé does anything,” but here we are. I’ve sobbed so much into my glass of Pinot Noir that it now resembles Rosé.
On a separate note, there were another set of twins that looked mighty fly on that stage.
Fuck the Grammys, this performance deserves an Oscar. Honestly, it’s the best film I’ve seen all year.
As the world continues to crumble around us, it’s important for us to take solace in what few reminders of happiness remain: Beyoncé, a fertile woman, is with child(ren). She communicated as much in an Instagram post that wouldn’t look out of place with your mom’s senior pictures from the 80s. If that sounds like a weird way to announce a pregnancy, get the fuck off the internet, mom, and go back to playing backgammon with strangers on Yahoo! Games.
Also fertile? The Beyhive. To date, they’ve blessed her with 8.3 million likes—a currency more valuable than gold and a gift more precious than life itself. This would, technically, make it the most-liked Instagram post of all time. The previous record, held by Selena Gomez, was a fucking sponsored post featuring her trying mightily (and failing) to pretend that someone who looks like her has ever actually consumed full-calorie soda.
Is Beyoncé’s vague nod to Mary, mother of Jesus, a sign that she’s giving birth to the second coming of Christ (and also, a second child that will have a HUGE chip on its shoulder)? Is she giving birth to a pair of Antichrists after Obama failed to fulfill his destiny? Is she going to single-handedly rebuild Destiny’s Child in all its glory with her own children?
No way to tell. All I know is that I, you, we, the population of a small nation—we all like it.
Hear ye, hear fuckin’ ye, it’s basically the most magical day of 2017 so far and OBVIOUSLY that’s because it’s a day where Beyoncé fucks our shit up.
This morning, on February 1st, 2017 *writes date down in calendar as holiday* Queen Bey announced that she and Jay-Z are expecting TWINS. Like, just fuck me up fam. One baby and I would have been stoked AF, but two? I’m low-key about to pass out.
Of course, ‘Yonce announced it on Instagram while surrounded by a throne of flowers, that were grown using the most pure sunlight and the tears of adoring fans everywhere. Remember when Kim tried to break the internet with a champagne bottle on her ass? Beyoncé has literally done it by just existing and having a kid. Iconic.
This might be the one thing that becomes a bipartisan celebration. Beyoncé has made the first, most crucial step to saving 2017. Now she needs to tackle this immigration ban and then all will be chill in the world.
TOMI LAHREN: Beyoncé is a piece of shit snowflake, erg celebirties they don’t get it, blah blah
THE WORLD: CASH ME OUTSIDE, HOW BOUT DAH
After the past week and a half of this political shit show, Bey clearly realized the world needed the news of her gene pool spreading now more than ever. I imagine one day Beyoncé was sitting in her tower somewhere in New York, looking down at the protests and turned to Jay-Z like: “It’s time.”
Can’t wait to obsess over these children like the world does with Blue Ivy. If these kids are named “Magenta Fern” or some shit I’m going to be a little disappointed, but whatever.
This has been a public service announcement, you’re fucking welcome.