In our weekly Photoshop Fail, we choose one celebrity or influencer Instagram that’s been edited poorly and show you what the tells are of a botched Photoshop job. This is to show you that the bodies you see on Instagram aren’t real, and pretty much every celebrity is editing their pics—even the people you wouldn’t expect. Moral of the story: don’t trust anybody on social media.
So this week, Queen Beyoncé herself posted a bunch of photos from The Lion King premiere. First of all, as someone that went to animation school, I have mixed feelings about this remake. We didn’t need it, the original is amazing, and I really miss 2D animation. Did anyone really ask to see (what looks like) live lions act? Who goes to the zoo and is like, “yeah these lions are cool, but I’m gonna need to see them perform Hamlet?” It’s weird and unnecessary. And even weirder, where are all the lions’ balls? Seriously, how is everyone neutered? What vet did this? And apparently lions don’t even grow manes once they’re snip-snipped. I’m not the only person who noticed this, I just want to make that clear. It’s pretty funny that now wild animals are not allowed to have basic anatomy to protect the children. But at least it’s better than the tragedy that is the new Cats. The only thing worse than pretend lion actors is pretend cat-human hybrid actors. Like, put them down, all of them, please.
I’m sorry, but please kill it with fire:
But my ranting about how hyper-realistic CGI is ruining animation is not why we’re here today, friends. Today, we’re talking about a different kind of digital art abuse. And that of course, is super perfect celebrities Photoshopping themselves into alien-hybrid women. But I guess at least it’s not cat-hybrids (…yet).
Beyoncé (maybe you’ve heard of her) posted these gorgeous photos of her at the premiere. However, there’s a little something wrong with the second and fourth photos.
The wall behind her is crooked.
I mean?? It doesn’t match up on either side of her. But here’s what makes me so mad: who, and I mean, who, has a better body than Beyoncé? Seriously, the woman is the epitome of perfection. And she still thinks she needs to edit her already insanely hourglass shaped (and probably Spanx and corsetted) body? No. I will not accept this. If there is one person alive who should not be allowed to Photoshop themselves to look thinner, it’s Beyoncé. Second is probably J.Lo. I mean seriously, what do you expect the rest of us to look like if even Beyoncé is not good enough?
By the fourth photo, the entire railing has become wonky as hell. How much random editing did you do to achieve this? Especially because in the second photo we can clearly see what the side of the railing looks like (although it’s bent). This is just a complete and total disastrous mess? I’m super confused as to how it was even done. We also don’t know how much the other two pics were edited, since the backdrop was much more forgiving.
So there you have it. Physical perfection is not even enough. Even more so? Remember that the only reason we caught this is because of the messed-up wall. We have no idea how much else was done to these photos that they remembered to clean up or were in a better spot. So. Even Beyoncé does not look like Beyoncé in real life.
Sometimes, apparently, she’s not even there at all. Like in the photo below:
Where Beyoncé was not even in town. And they just completely Photoshopped her in from nothing. And it’s seamless.
Don’t believe the lies, everyone! It’s all a conspiracy to force women to spend all their time Photoshopping their asses to be a thirst trap on Instagram instead of working to overthrow the patriarchy! Don’t let them win!
Shoutout to Instagram user @reneethegrenade for the submission! Please send me more fails you’d like me to break down!
Images: Giphy; Instagram (@beyonce); Instagram (@lionking)
While most days of the week Twitter can be pretty dry and only worthwhile when your favorite meme accounts are active, or your friend finally posted that tweet you spent 45 minutes debating whether or not it was funny, one particular thread from @CORNYASSBITCH has the Beyhive and Beyoncé haters alike absolutely buzzing.
On Saturday, @CORNYASSBITCH started the, “Being Beyoncé’s assistant for the day: DONT GET FIRED THREAD,” which is basically a Choose Your Own Adventure game that pretty much everyone is losing at. If you’re a die-hard Beyoncé fan, just the idea of working for her, even for a day—breathing her air, knowing her secrets, the chance of getting firsthand side-eye from Blue Ivy Carter herself—is enough to make you take this hypothetical thread more seriously than your actual job.
Being Beyoncé’s assistant for the day: DONT GET FIRED THREAD pic.twitter.com/26ix05Hkhp
— Green Chyna (@CORNYASSBITCH) June 23, 2019
The thread starts as a simple choice of what Bey’s breakfast should be: a yogurt parfait or a five-star breakfast. Your choice on this alone can completely f*uck up your chance to continue being her assistant, so the pressure’s truly on from the beginning. Even people who are assistants IRL suck at it!
My own assistant just got fired on the very first question https://t.co/VrTrv8Y26k
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 23, 2019
The thread then goes on through many other choices: which music to play, where she should get ready, and whether or not she’d want to hang out with the West family (lol), to name a few. There are surprises throughout the experience (if you make it far enough), chances at redemption, and honestly some of the ways you get fired are hysterical.
How I get fired for the 4th time pic.twitter.com/R9ezC0zmY9
— Melisandre da Flame ? (@Jinadoll87) June 24, 2019
Y’all cheated and still got fired pic.twitter.com/epZG9lSbBr
— Green Chyna (@CORNYASSBITCH) June 24, 2019
I only cheated once to see the different ways the thread could end, and while I won’t give away the ending, I will say I’m still pissed. Whether you’re a true Beyoncé fan or not, if you’re anything like me and waste spend obscene amounts of time scrolling through social media, this is an entertaining way to put your skills (or lack thereof) to the test.
Images: CORNYASSBITCH(2), chrissyteigen, Jinadoll87 / Twitter
It goes without saying that none of us are Beyoncé.
I am not Beyoncé. You are not Beyoncé. Your coworker with the mug that says “you have the same amount of hours in a day as Beyoncé” is delusional—and also not Beyoncé. If Beyoncé is reading this, then she is, in fact, Beyoncé, but I have a feeling she is not taking time out of one of those precious hours that you apparently also have to read what I have to say. However, if anyone finds evidence to the contrary, please send it my way ASAP so I can ride that high for the rest of my life.
Lest you live in a cave in the Appalachians, you’ve likely heard of the Netflix documentary Homecoming, which follows Beyoncé in the run-up to her groundbreaking 2018 Coachella performance. The film covers her journey from the very beginning all the way through to the actual show, detailing creative concepting, rehearsals, and the kinds of preparation she underwent in order to be ready for such a performance just a little under a year after giving birth to her twins.
How does one manage to look the way that Beyoncé did on that stage a mere 10 months after housing and then birthing two human children? Well for starters, by cutting out every enjoyable food group possible. “In order for me to meet my goals, I’m limiting myself to no bread, no carbs, no sugar, no dairy, no meat, no fish, no alcohol.” You know what else she said? “I’m hungry.” It’s the only thing we’ve ever had in common.
If this sounds unhealthy to you, that’s because it pretty much is. Doctors say so. My body said so. Hell, even Beyoncé admitted it, going so far as to say that she’d “never…never push that far again.” She was likely referring to the strict diet combined with insane rehearsal hours and general exhaustion that accompanies raising two infants, but I’m still going to use it to validate myself.
In short, and as we have covered multiple times across multiple journeys, extremely restrictive diets are bad for you. Full stop. All of the food groups that you’ve been taught to avoid like the plague—carbs, dairy, anything that isn’t leafy green—have nutrients your body needs, in moderation. But for some people, myself included, it’s easier to deny yourself of something altogether than to limit yourself to small amounts of it. It’s the definition of all-or-nothing and a terrible crutch to go through life with, but this is real, this is me.
You see, I’ve never looked at one single thing Beyoncé has done and then thought to myself “hey, I bet I could do that.” The singing? Not with 100 years of vocal coaching. The dancing? You’d have to replace every single one of my joints with functioning ones, and it’d still be a stretch. The ability to look at Jay-Z post-Lemonade and still want to have sex with him? God given. But this? A sh*tty diet? This is my wheelhouse. At last, Beyoncé and I might be on equal footing. Her footing may be exponentially more coordinated, but equal nonetheless.
Lol, jk. I never stood a chance.
Like almost every other aspect of her life, the exact details of Beyoncé’s diet are shrouded in secrecy, leaving me to make a lot of assumptions and take a lot of liberties. Just the way she would have wanted it, I’m sure. Basically, if she didn’t say I couldn’t have it in that single quote from the documentary, I ate it. This allowed me to introduce legumes and nuts into my regimen, which became vital in both not starving to death and not becoming entirely narcoleptic.
For three days I tried eating like Beyoncé and all in all, it wasn’t terrible. Sure, it could have been a lot better than it was, but I was never truly miserable in the ways that other diets have made me feel. But instead of detailing my day-by-day experience for you, which was relatively mundane, all things considered, I’ll present some learnings that will come in handy should any of you decide to embark on the Beyoncé diet on your own.
1. You Will Have To Try
I live in a vegan-friendly city and know there are a lot of great options out there, but none that I felt like tackling on my own. Rather than expend any real effort on things like meal planning or, I don’t know, actual cooking, I stuck to salads, vegetables and hummus, and fruit. For three days, this was totally fine. Any longer than that and I imagine things would have gotten real boring real quick. I have a feeling Beyoncé has a chef on hand to prepare meals that are far more exciting than my lentil salad but that’s a luxury that, tragically, I couldn’t afford.
2. You Will Be Tired
It’s difficult to come across protein in diet that consists almost entirely of fruits and vegetables. I did my best with the addition of beans and nuts, but it didn’t really compare to the meat I’m used to consuming on a daily basis. I wasn’t brave enough to venture into the world of Tofu or meat substitutes, and wasn’t even entirely sure it was something I was allowed to have, so I spent a lot of time being tired and then trying to compensate with black coffee. You know what doesn’t sit well on a stomach full of greens and almost nothing else? Black coffee.
3. You Will Be Hungry
Not all the time—just more often than usual. Fruits and vegetables can be filling, but not for long periods of time. I found myself needing more frequent snacks than usual, especially in the afternoon during the time I’d typically still be full from a normal lunch. Thanks to an office kitchen stocked with Beyoncé-friendly snacks, I took to walking around with a pocket full of pistachios at almost all times. It’s not a cute habit, would not recommend.
4. You Will Need To Re-Evaluate Meals
You know what I’ve learned over the past three days? Time is a social construct, as is the food we assign to it. Once upon a time, breakfast meant eggs and bacon. Now, it means literally anything I am allowed to eat within the confines of this strict-ass diet. Once you realize that the only thing stopping you from eating dinner for breakfast is yourself, you’ll be unstoppable. A leftover veggie skewer at 8am? Why not! Hummus before work? Do it! Grapefruits for every meal in between? The world is your oyster. Except not really, because seafood isn’t allowed. But given the opportunity, I would have eaten oysters for breakfast.
5. You Should Definitely Drink Alcohol
Yeah, so I realize she explicitly said “no alcohol” but here’s what I learned: Wou will never be a cheaper date than after three straight days of eating almost exclusively vegetables. I’m serious. Wednesday night was the most cost-effective night of my life, and I woke up without even a hint of a hangover. Not sure if I can attribute the second part of that to Beyoncé, but I’m going to do it anyway. Obviously you need to avoid the more sugary drinks, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time.
After only a few days of trying to live vaguely like Beyoncé, I don’t think I lost any actual weight. This wasn’t unexpected; it was three days. However, I do feel better.
While not sustainable in the long term, I found this diet to be a great way of resetting both your mind and body. The past two weeks have been a bit indulgent on my part, and this was helpful in getting me back on track and curbing the cravings that I might have succumbed to otherwise.
Plus, being hungry as often as I was forced me to drink more water, and it turns out being hydrated feels really nice. Who knew?
While this was a fun experiment, it warrants saying this: Beyoncé does not want you to live like this. That woman loves food. That woman loves life. That woman loves not starving to death, and most importantly, that woman loves you. Do not limit yourself because Beyoncé did, but rather, live a life that Beyoncé would be proud of. One of moderation, with a few cheats here and there. One where you let yourself enjoy things without feeling bad about them. One where you stream Lemonade on Spotify. IDK, just spitballing here, but it feels like it’s what she’d want.
Images: Giphy (3)
This year has been one hell of a year for celebrity relationships. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, and I’ve wanted to call my ex boyfriend and give our toxic relationship another shot (thank you for that one, Selena Gomez). And even though there have been some massive celeb breakups this year—I’m still justifying to HR the three days I took off of work to mourn Anna Faris and Chris Pratt’s relationship because I JUST NEEDED SOME ME TIME, OKAY—there still weren’t enough breakups, in my opinion. So, because I am way too personally invested in the lives of complete strangers, here are all the celebrities we wish would break up in 2018.
1. Scott Disick & Sofia Richie
As if you didn’t see this one coming a mile away. We’ve already established that while Scott Disick is thoroughly enjoying his premature mid-life crisis relationship with his new girlfriend, Sofia Richie, she looks fucking miserable to be with him. There’s a lot of reasons we want these two to break up. For one, she’s a literal child and is closer in age to Scott’s son than Scott, her actual boyfriend. For another, I think her presence is the reason why he thinks he can get away with wearing a shirt that’s unbuttoned to his naval. It’s truly alarming and must be stopped.
2. Vanessa Hudgens & Austin Butler
So this is more for me than anything else, but when is it not all about me, amiright? Anyway, as you may have noticed, 2017 was the year of our favorite celeb couples from our childhood reuniting. First with Liam and Miley and then with Selena and Justin—it’s like we’re in 2009 all over again, minus the chunky belts and side-swept bangs. And now it’s Vanessa Hudgens’s turn to step the fuck up and get back together with her ex Zac Efron. It’s really the least she could do for me. Look, I have nothing against Austin Butler. They seem genuinely happy together, and it’s not his fault that after his short-lived time as a teen heartthrob on Zoey 101, his only other acting gig was “kind of celeb at Coachella.” But if Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron get back together, then I’ll have the whole matching set of teen dream couples, and I really feel like I deserve that for the new year, ya know?
3. Sarah Hyland & Wells Adams
These two have been making me feel like an active participant in their relationship since the second they got together, and I fucking hate it. And I do mean the exact second, because Sarah Hyland doesn’t let one damn moment go by without recording it on her Instagram story. I have a lot of problems with this relationship. For one, watching her Instagram story is more uncomfortable than reading my old MySpace posts. For two, Sarah clearly needs a lesson in celebrity hierarchy, because girls with asses like hers should not be dating guys with faces like Wells. Hear me out now: She’s on a sitcom that is consistently rated as one of the best on TV, and he… took over for Jorge the bartender on Bachelor in Paradise. So, yeah, one thing is clearly not like the other here. Whatever. I guess she seems happy, but if I wanted to see genuine happiness on Instagram, I wouldn’t be following you. Break up or expect to have one less follower from your 5.5 million fan base.
4. Ariel Winter & Levi Meaden
Would this be a complete public shaming list without mentioning my girl, Ariel Winter? I think not. Ariel has been dating her boyfriend Levi Meaden for a little over a year. That is, if you call posting semi-pornographic photos of the two of them dry-humping in various spots all over LA dating. And if you’re wondering who Levi Meaden even is, then I can’t help you, because after a deep stalking of his Instagram account brief Google search, all I got on him is that he is a Canadian actor whose biggest claim to fame is a role in a movie called Bigfoot Island. I’m sure he’s on the short list for an Oscar for that one. While the two of them do seem happy together—in fact, it was reported that he even asked her dad for permission to marry her just yesterday—I’m skeptical AF. First of all, there’s the age difference. He’s 11 years older than her, and the physical embodiment of her unresolved daddy issues. Tbh, for as much shit as I give Ariel, I just think she can do better than some old dude who probably used his own personal experience as research for his starring role in the Lifetime original movie Revenge Porn. Just saying.
5. Arie & His Blonde
Okay, so I know *technically* the next season of The Bachelor hasn’t even aired yet, and we don’t actually have any definitive proof of who Arie is going to pick, but, like, we do know that his type is underage sorority girls hot blondes, so he’s 100 fucking percent going to choose a blonde. Honestly, it doesn’t even matter who he chooses because as soon as they get engaged, I will actively be rooting for their demise. I may have wanted good things for Arie at one point in time, but that time was before I could legally drink and when I was still choosing boyfriends off of which frat they were in. So, yeah, that time is long gone. GOOD LUCK, ARIE.
6. Beyoncé & Jay-Z
Is this sacrilege to bring up? Will I be smote down by a horde of screaming women aggressively singing “Crazy in Love” the powers that be for even suggesting this? Eh, whatever. I can’t bring myself to care. Obviously, we all know that Beyoncé is a fucking goddess, and she’s had the year of her life, if her Instagram is any indication. That said, we also all know that Jay-Z cheated on her with Becky With The Good Hair. Okay, I’m gonna say that one more time for the people in the back: THE MAN CHEATED ON BEYONCE. If Beyoncé—a woman who I’m convinced can procreate with nothing but sheer force of will and the power of the sun—is having issues with her man, then there’s no fucking hope for the rest of us. No, Beyoncé needs to dump his ass, because she doesn’t need that shit and neither do I. We’re both strong, independent women who don’t need no man because we have our own millions to support ourselves. Well, at least those first two were true.
I used to believe Us Weekly when they tried to convince me stars were “just like us.” I mean, can you blame me? How can you look at a photo of Matthew McConaughey pushing a shopping cart and think otherwise? Needless to say, I was wrong, and I wasn’t considering the fact that celebrities have homes on islands that can’t be located on a map. Like, these people do cocaine to prepare for award shows and they’ve never swiped a debit card in their lives. They’re extra. I recently enjoyed investigating/shit-talking strange things celebs do to stay healthy, and I’ve decided to dig even deeper into their bizarre diets. After doing some research, here are the diets worth talking about.
1. Reese Witherspoon’s Baby Food
Something about the image of a 41-year-old woman waking up in her Santa Monica mansion and downing a jar of baby food for breakfast is just disturbing to me. In a world where you can literally hire a Michelin star chef to cook you gourmet healthy meals, you decide to crack open a jar of Gerber sweet potato mush meant for a 6-month-old. Honestly, I understand Reese is technically eating fruits and vegetables all day, but I really DGAF about how many nutrients are in these jars. You’re an adult. Stop eating baby food and eat some food meant for grown-ups. Or like, just buy a Vitamix if you’re that committed to eating blended produce.
2. Megan Fox’s Vinegar Shots
We knew Megan Fox was a betch ever since she bitched out MK & Ashley in Holiday in The Sun, and her lifestyle choices since 2001 have only confirmed our convictions. Megan Fox has admitted that she literally hates dieting and exercising, so she basically eats whatever she wants and then goes on some extreme cleanse right before she has to look good for a movie. One psycho cleanse she loves is the vinegar diet, where she practically starves herself and takes shots of vinegar to flush water weight out of her body and cleanse her entire system, whatever that means. There’s no way this shit was cleared by her doctor.
3. Beyoncé’s ‘Dreamgirls’ Master Cleanse
Before Bey and Jay started cooking vegan spaghetti for dinner, Bey was a crazy dieter, and she did this insane master cleanse diet back in the day to drop 20 pounds for Dreamgirls. Aside from liquid shakes and soups, Beyoncé literally only drank this cleanse drink, which is a mixture of water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. No solid food for 14 days. Personally, I’d die. Wouldn’t everyone? I guess that’s what differentiates the normal human from Queen B. Also like, her 50 Grammys and $350 billion net worth, but whatever.
4. Adriana Lima’s Protein Shakes
It’s not exactly breaking news that Victoria’s Secret models starve themselves before the fashion show, but Adriana Lima’s protein shake diet just confirms that fact, so please stop showing us videos of these girls boxing with a fake trainer in an XXS sports bra. Adriana admits that for a couple weeks leading up to the show, she cuts out all carbs and relies on protein shakes to survive. Oh, she also works out for two hours a day. I mean, I felt lightheaded just typing that. How is this girl still standing? Can we just hope she eats some bread after the show is over like Gigi claims to do? I’m concerned.
5. Amanda Seyfried’s Raw Food Phase
I used to wonder how Amanda Seyfried looked like she was glowing at all times, and I guess it’s because she was eating raw celery everyday. Suddenly I’m not as jealous. A few years back, Amanda Seyfried ate an all-raw diet, which is exactly what it sounds like. She ate raw vegetables, nuts, and seeds. I seriously wouldn’t even feed that shit to a bird. Like, she now admits that it was intense and awful, but seriously, what kind of results are worth that pain? I’m gagging just thinking about snacking on raw spinach. Can someone please pass me an Oreo before I vom?
6. Shailene Woodley’s Clay Habit
Remember when you were little and your mom would yell at you for eating Play-Doh? It turns out this bullshit is now being encouraged as a “detoxification” method. Shailene Woodley straight-up eats clay, and she actually swears by it. Apparently clay helps build your immune system, balances your pH levels, and helps your body fight off diseases. I’m sorry, but don’t Flintstones vitamins do the same thing?? This diet hack sounds like something your Pledge Master made you do and swear to never talk about again. This Hollywood alternative nutrition shit has officially gone too far.
Our worlds summers came to a screeching halt when it became apparent that Bachelor in Paradise was probably canceled for the season, but like the patron saint she is, Beyoncé has come to rescue us all from a life of mundanity. Rumors are swirling that Beyoncé is in labor with the twins, and if this is true, this just might be what we need to get us through the day week.
Beyoncé or her people haven’t publicly said she’s in labor, of course, but that doesn’t matter. You see, some desperate stans unnamed sources in Los Angeles reported that one of the hospitals there has a ton of security right now, which could only mean one thing. No, not that given today’s climate it makes sense for establishments to take extra safety precautions, but obviously that Beyoncé is in labor. I for the life of me haven’t been able to find out which hospital has this reported high security so that I can camp out and wait for the birth of these little deities do some in-person investigative journalism. Oh well. I tried, you guys.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think that Beyoncé is currently in labor. Like, for one, do you really think fucking Beyoncé of all people would go to a hospital that regular people go to like some peasant? No. This is Beyoncé we’re talking about. She’s probably giving birth in some high-end spa that costs like, $3,000 a minute that happens to employ a few doctors and midwives who will sing to her as she gracefully slides out two twins without even breaking a sweat. Come on. Do you think Beyoncé would risk contaminating her babies’ air with the air that not just normal people, but sick normal people breathe? No.
Either that or she’s giving birth at home in the comfort of her own mansion with the company of like, her doula and a bunch of healing crystals and no less than five of the world’s top obstetricians. I’m sorry, but I just cannot imagine a world in which Beyoncé gives birth in a regular fashion. This is the woman who almost fell off a chair while pregnant during a live TV performance and released not a diss track, but an entire diss album AIMED AT HER OWN HUSBAND—I don’t think “chill” is in her vocabulary.
For now we’ll have to wait and see if these rumors pan out, but I don’t think I’m getting ahead of myself by requesting the rest of the week off of work in preparation. I mean, the twins’ birthday is bound to be declared a federal holiday anyway so I’m just getting ahead of the game.
Last week, Beyoncé devastated a few hundred thousand people when she pulled the ultimate betch move and got a doctor’s note to get out of performing at Coachella. We don’t know everything about what went down, but it’s basically the equivalent of a middle school girl telling her male gym class teacher that she’s on her period every day for a whole semester. At that point, you just sort of get a free pass. Beyoncé has said she’ll show up next year instead (because she probably legally has to), but her withdrawal still left a hole in this year’s lineup more gaping than Taylor Swift’s vagina (probably).
Well, now Coachella’s announced the replacement for Queen Bey, and it’s none other than Lady Gaga. Tbh this is pretty impressive, considering the festival organizers must have had a heart attack when Bey backed out. But somehow Lady Gaga had an opening in her schedule, and the rest is history. No doubt some Beyoncé fans will still be upset, but world-famous pop stars don’t grow on trees, so things worked out about as well as they could have. Beyoncé was set to be the first black female headliner ever, but Lady Gaga is still the first female headliner in a full decade, because sexism isn’t real!
If she wants to, Gaga can basically just perform an extended version of her Super Bowl halftime show, with just a few tweaks. Like, we’re pretty sure there aren’t really roofs to jump off of in the California desert, so she can jump off a ferris wheel or some shit like that. The effect might not be quite the same, but it doesn’t take that much to impress a bunch of dirty hipsters that have been on molly for the better part of two days.
Realistically, this show could go two ways: it’ll either be a huge fucking production with like, live unicorns and a million costume changes, or she’ll come out wearing that fugly pink cowboy hat and just sit at a piano the whole time. We’ll hope for something in between, but who the hell knows what she has up her gigantic, padded sleeves? No doubt, she’ll work in some of her big hits, like her anthem “Born This Way” (which obviously has nothing political about it, right Republicans?) and “Poker Face” because even like, 9 years later we’re somehow still not sick of that song.
Lady Gaga is ready to party in the desert, so now the only question is how can we buy scalped tickets and still afford to pay rent this month?
Here to make you feel like a literal piece of garbage on this bleak Monday, in which you are probably hungover and very sad and a little fat, is Beyoncé. If you missed her Grammys performance last night, how fucking dare you. SMDH, you are so selfish. Bey, while still pregnant with twins, took to the stage to sing both “Love Drought” and “Sandcastles” from her life changing record/visual album masterpiece, Lemonade. There were holograms. There was nudity. There were yellow sheets. There were tons of other women. It actually might have just been Jay Z’s fever dream, now that I really think about it.
After being introduced by her mother, Tina (who I think I might be very afraid of, but that’s a separate emotional journey I’ll look into at another date), Bey came out in a gold dress and headpiece. Then, the three hottest performers in music right now, Bey, Red, and Yellow* did the damn thing. And by that I mean, made every mere mortal feel simultaneous joy for how lucky they are to have Beyoncé, and regret for their paltry list of accomplishments. Here are the performance’s highlights.
*Red and Yellow are the names of the Carter-Knowles Twins® until proven otherwise.
1. When She Looked Better Naked And Pregnant Than Approximately 100% Of Us Ever Will
Beyoncé is pregnant with twins and she still looks like a rock star.
2. When She First Graced The Stage And Announced That She’s The Leading Ruler Of Our Country
World: SLAY BEYONCE MY QUEEN GODDESSSSSS LET ME WEAR YOUR SKIN LOL JK BUT NOT REALLY CAN I WEAR IT?
Beyoncé: These peasants think I’m a goddess so I guess I’ll just like…become one?
A good reminder to dress for the life you want.
(Side note: How many teenagers are going to try and replicate that gold flower crown at Coachella this year? Taking bets now.)
3. When The Spoken Word Portion Was Lit
This looks like what acid feels like.
4. When She Rose Like Jesus, And Everyone, Including Donald J. Trump, Began To Sob
(Yes, I did photoshop that tweet.)
5. When All Of Her Dancers Bowed The Fuck Down And She Walked The Table Holding Her Stomach As If She Just Ate Some Bomb-Ass Meal
This is the updated version of “The Last Supper” right?
6. When She Trusted That Chair Wouldn’t Fall, Proving Once Again That She Trusts Things Too Easily (See: Cheating Husband)
^^^Actual footage of me, trying to “Lean In.”
7. When She Just Wanted To Lie Down Real Quick Because Even Michael Jordan Takes Naps
8. When More People Bowed Down To Her
Wait, omg are those doulas and is she about to give birth?
Is Liz from The Bachelor there?
9. When She Personified ‘IDFWU’
This is my intended aesthetic.
10. When She Finally Sat Down And Fucking Nailed Those Vocals
Full disclosure: I tried to not fall under the stereotype of “white women who cry every time Beyoncé does anything,” but here we are. I’ve sobbed so much into my glass of Pinot Noir that it now resembles Rosé.
On a separate note, there were another set of twins that looked mighty fly on that stage.
(Her boobs.)
Fuck the Grammys, this performance deserves an Oscar. Honestly, it’s the best film I’ve seen all year.
