Unpopular Opinion: Beyoncé Sucks At Instagram

In this divided world, there’s one thing that almost everyone seems to agree on: Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter is a queen. She’s a one-woman cultural institution, and there are only a handful of people in the world that have the same clout as her. She’s an incredible vocalist, a skilled creative director, and an electric performer. It’s tough to find something negative to say about Beyoncé, but no one is actually perfect, and I’m committed to doing the tough jobs nobody else wants to do. So here we go: Despite all of Beyoncé’s talents, she’s objectively bad at Instagram.

Okay, so before the Beyhive ruins my life in the comments, please hear me out. (Please!) This is in no way a personal attack on Beyoncé, who I think is amazing for the reasons stated above, and then some. But what’s the point of loving someone if you can’t also recognize their flaws? If you ask me, that’s real love.

In her live performances, Beyoncé has a charisma that’s impossible to ignore. If you watched her Homecoming documentary, you know that she’s an absolute legend of a performer, and she thinks through every second of what she’s doing on stage. But the magnetic energy that she brings to the stage is replaced on Instagram by a presence that’s almost lifeless.

First, we need to address the lack of captions. While I’m a fan of a bold no-caption moment on an especially good photo, captions are a big part of what makes Instagram fun. Whether you’re a fan of puns, or you go for captions with a little more substance, the caption adds dimension to what is otherwise just another photo of you. Beyoncé is gorg, but we all know what she looks like at this point.

But aside from the lack of captions, the actual photo aesthetic of Beyoncé’s Instagram is a little puzzling. I’m actually a huge fan of Bey’s personal style in the last couple of years—in both everyday and formal situations, she’s figured out exactly what looks good on her body, while steering clear of the same sh*t everyone else is wearing. She and her stylist(s) are to be commended. But a lot of the photos she posts just don’t do these looks justice.

Here’s a recent photo, which looks like when you took prom photos at Melissa’s house, because she had the nicest deck:

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Here’s another one that was presumably taken in her backyard. I can’t blame her—the hydrangeas are beautiful!—but the whole composition of this post is a giant question mark. What is this weird grainy, glowy spot in the middle? Is this a Polaroid situation, or did she edit the photo to look like this? And what’s up with the random flower petal border on the sides? This feels very 2010, just-got-an-iPhone-and-downloaded-every-editing-app-I-could-find. It’s a great outfit, but there are middle schoolers who are posting pics better than this.

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I’m also not a fan of Beyoncé’s tried-and-true format of posting everything in threes. I guess it makes her grid look cooler, but it’s completely unnecessary. Bey has clearly learned how to use the carousel/slideshow feature, so why force us to see three different posts of her standing in her yard?

Here’s a screenshot of her grid from earlier this year:

In the above screenshot, you can see her three posts from Valentine’s Day. All three of the posts are carousels, but there are only a total of eight photos. Fun fact: you can include up to TEN photos in ONE carousel! Bey, you could’ve posted all the same sh*t in just one post! Just a handy tip for next time!

Despite all my gripes about Beyoncé’s Instagram, I don’t want you all to think I’m just being negative. Let’s spotlight one area in which she has shown growth. Thankfully, she’s moved away from these bizarre edits that she used to love posting:

While these are certainly more interesting than the dozens of photos of her chilling in the backyard, I don’t miss them. Sorry Bey, but I don’t need a cutout of your lips and sunglasses. These look like a final project of a beginner graphic design class, not the Instagram of one of the biggest stars in the world. Great job Beyoncé for moving on from these kind of posts, you’re gonna do amazing things someday.

Okay, now that I applauded Bey for leaving her Photoshop cutout phase in the past, I have to roast one last post:

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Uh…okay? It’s not that normal for Beyoncé to wish someone a happy birthday on her Instagram, so this is interesting. It’s nice of her to post something, but like I said before, this is totally lifeless. Nothing says “I love and care about you so much” like a no-caption photos that just says “HAPPY BIRTHDAY OPRAH” with some random picture from her childhood. She didn’t even tag Oprah! This is like that one random guy from my freshman dorm who still writes “hbd” on my wall every year, and I have to look at his profile picture to remember who he is. And why is there fake duct tape on the photo? I have so, so many questions.

Overall, Beyoncé’s Instagram presence is really not that important. She could leave Instagram tomorrow, and it wouldn’t have any negative impact on her career. She’s a queen, and no weird filter on her outfit photos is going to change that. But I’m a little tired of people blindly worshipping her every post, when her Instagram is so subpar compared to the rest of the things she does. I love Beyoncé, but her Instagram is just not it. Feel free to drag me in the comments, but I said what I said!

Images: Shutterstock; Beyonce / Instagram (5)

Beyoncé’s Pregnancy Announcement Is The Most Popular Instagram Of All Time

As the world continues to crumble around us, it’s important for us to take solace in what few reminders of happiness remain: Beyoncé, a fertile woman, is with child(ren). She communicated as much in an Instagram post that wouldn’t look out of place with your mom’s senior pictures from the 80s. If that sounds like a weird way to announce a pregnancy, get the fuck off the internet, mom, and go back to playing backgammon with strangers on Yahoo! Games.

 

We would like to share our love and happiness. We have been blessed two times over. We are incredibly grateful that our family will be growing by two, and we thank you for your well wishes. – The Carters

A photo posted by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

Feb 1, 2017 at 10:39am PST

Also fertile? The Beyhive. To date, they’ve blessed her with 8.3 million likes—a currency more valuable than gold and a gift more precious than life itself. This would, technically, make it the most-liked Instagram post of all time. The previous record, held by Selena Gomez, was a fucking sponsored post featuring her trying mightily (and failing) to pretend that someone who looks like her has ever actually consumed full-calorie soda.

 

when your lyrics are on the bottle #ad

A photo posted by Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) on

Is Beyoncé’s vague nod to Mary, mother of Jesus, a sign that she’s giving birth to the second coming of Christ (and also, a second child that will have a HUGE chip on its shoulder)? Is she giving birth to a pair of Antichrists after Obama failed to fulfill his destiny? Is she going to single-handedly rebuild Destiny’s Child in all its glory with her own children?

No way to tell. All I know is that I, you, we, the population of a small nation—we all like it.