Last week, Beyoncé devastated a few hundred thousand people when she pulled the ultimate betch move and got a doctor’s note to get out of performing at Coachella. We don’t know everything about what went down, but it’s basically the equivalent of a middle school girl telling her male gym class teacher that she’s on her period every day for a whole semester. At that point, you just sort of get a free pass. Beyoncé has said she’ll show up next year instead (because she probably legally has to), but her withdrawal still left a hole in this year’s lineup more gaping than Taylor Swift’s vagina (probably).
Well, now Coachella’s announced the replacement for Queen Bey, and it’s none other than Lady Gaga. Tbh this is pretty impressive, considering the festival organizers must have had a heart attack when Bey backed out. But somehow Lady Gaga had an opening in her schedule, and the rest is history. No doubt some Beyoncé fans will still be upset, but world-famous pop stars don’t grow on trees, so things worked out about as well as they could have. Beyoncé was set to be the first black female headliner ever, but Lady Gaga is still the first female headliner in a full decade, because sexism isn’t real!
If she wants to, Gaga can basically just perform an extended version of her Super Bowl halftime show, with just a few tweaks. Like, we’re pretty sure there aren’t really roofs to jump off of in the California desert, so she can jump off a ferris wheel or some shit like that. The effect might not be quite the same, but it doesn’t take that much to impress a bunch of dirty hipsters that have been on molly for the better part of two days.
Realistically, this show could go two ways: it’ll either be a huge fucking production with like, live unicorns and a million costume changes, or she’ll come out wearing that fugly pink cowboy hat and just sit at a piano the whole time. We’ll hope for something in between, but who the hell knows what she has up her gigantic, padded sleeves? No doubt, she’ll work in some of her big hits, like her anthem “Born This Way” (which obviously has nothing political about it, right Republicans?) and “Poker Face” because even like, 9 years later we’re somehow still not sick of that song.
Lady Gaga is ready to party in the desert, so now the only question is how can we buy scalped tickets and still afford to pay rent this month?