At this point into quarantine, I’m starting to think that celebrities are competing in a secret game of Who Wants To Be Dragged On Twitter. It feels like new famous people are coming out of the woodwork to be problematic, tone-deaf, or just plain dumb nearly every single day, and I honestly have to thank them for all the prime content. Just yesterday, we had Ellen DeGeneres getting dragged for making a joke about being in jail, but it’s already time to move on to today’s bad look. Today’s celebrity Twitter dragging is one Tori Spelling and the reason is totally ridiculous.
On Tuesday, Tori Spelling posted on Instagram, inviting her followers to a virtual meet-and-greet. The event, which is actually happening today, includes “live, individual video chat,” and allows you to “take virtual selfies” and download the full video after. Okay, fun! I’m not sure how a “virtual selfie” is any different from a regular screenshot, but getting to talk one-on-one with Tori Spelling is pretty cool, right? She said there were only 20 spots available, so it’s definitely an ~exclusive~ opportunity.
Well, Tori neglected to mention one important detail in her Instagram post. Upon going to the link, you can reserve your spot—for a cool $95 fee. LOL, in what f*cking world?! As a young millennial who’s never watched an episode of Beverly Hills, 90210, I’m aware that I’m not the target audience for this, but like… is there even a target audience for this?
Based on the online reaction, I’m gonna say the answer is “not really.” First of all, Tori Spelling is not exactly at the pinnacle of her career right now. One tweet called her a D-List celebrity, and like, I don’t know about that, but I certainly wouldn’t pay almost $100 for a few minutes of small talk over a crappy internet connection and a screenshot with her.
— Karen Huger’s Hair (@KarenHugersHair) April 8, 2020
Especially right now, so many celebrities are more accessible to their fans than ever, so charging that much for a virtual meet-and-greet feels ridiculous. Celebs are going live on Instagram every 10 minutes, making TikToks, and generally making more boredom-fueled content than we can consume. What makes Tori think that we’e all clamoring for a bit of time with her?
But Tori Spelling’s level of fame isn’t the main issue here. As you’re probably aware, there’s a little global pandemic happening right now. Millions of people have lost their jobs, the healthcare system and other essential parts of our society are under immense strain with resources in short supply, so there’s no shortage of worthy causes to donate to. While Tori Spelling’s financial issues have been incredibly public over the years, I’m pretty sure shelling out for her virtual meet-and-greet doesn’t count as a charitable donation. If you’re considering spending the $95, please go give that money to something worthwhile.
Since the mostly negative public response, Tori’s Instagram post has been deleted, but the site to sign up for the event is still live. Hopefully the die-hard Tori fans, wherever they are, will still be able to find it. The meet-and-greet is in just a few hours, but unsurprisingly, it looks like there are still spots available. Thank god! Funny enough, a video from Tori Spelling on Cameo is $100, so when you think about it, maybe $95 is actually a good deal?
Images: Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com; torispelling / Instagram; karenhugershair / Twitter
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You already know it wouldn’t be an episode of the 90210 reboot without a dream sequence opening! This is the finale, there’s no tricking us anymore, so when the episode opened with Ian Ziering talking to his younger self at The Peach Pit, there was no surprise. This was definitely the most boring of the dream sequence collection, and after a couple of words of advice from old Ian telling young Ian that he needs to cut his mullet, stop wearing crop tops and start a family, he wakes up (in a face mask, no less) fresh and ready to start the day!
He gets to set and expresses to Brian that he’s sick of doing this whole no-strings-attached thing with the boring writer, whose name I still haven’t bothered learning. Brian complains about how many strings he’s stuck with, what with his super hot wife Lala Anthony and their three beautiful kids. Ian goes to the nameless writer and tells her he can’t do this whole NSA thing anymore! She tells him she can’t ever actually date an actor, explaining that her mom is an actor, so it’s just a bad association for her. Ahhh, so now it makes sense how a writer with no credits got such a baller-ass job. Ian says something stupid about appreciating her honesty and agrees to continue the NSA relationship. (For the record, with me, even if we only ever kissed, strings have been attached. I shoot strings from every pore in my body.)
The cast is all celebrating wrapping shooting for the pilot, with the exception of Jason who is on an island getaway with Vanessa Lachey to work through their marital issues, the way only rich people can. Sidenote—Jason is inexplicably hardly ever in the show, and even when he is, it’s usually through FaceTime or some bullsh*t, so I don’t know what’s going on there. Anyway, they decide to divorce because they’re sick of trying, which I get. Who cares anyway; I’m just sad that Vanessa is going to have to start auditioning for things again.
Three weeks later, the cast is all still waiting to hear if they’re getting picked up by Fox, their biggest concern being a reboot of The OC that’s competing for the same spot. In an act of desperation, Tori tricks Emily Valentine’s assistant into sending her the feedback from the people who watched and reviewed the pilot, and forwards it to the whole cast. They all start spiraling out of control when they find out what everyone thinks of them, which isn’t even bad, and Brian and Tori find bizarre ways to flirt as though they’re not both still married.
Shay, Brian’s wife, tells him that she secretly had his “son” Zack’s DNA tested, and it turns out he’s 100% not his kid. Brian, being the typical man that he is, is obviously mad that his wife is more successful than him and freaks out on her for going behind his back. We’re left thinking their marriage is definitely on the rocks, but to be fair they both kind of gave up on acting in this finale, so it may just be that leading us to believe their relationship is crumbling. The next day, Brian confronts Zack about lying to him, and poor Zack says he really thought Brian was his father and it’s not his fault! Which like, fair, it’s not his fault, but also we were led to believe Zack was a psychopath killer for the bulk of the season, so it’s hard to now have empathy for his crazy ass. After some counseling from Shannen Doherty, Brian tells Zack he’ll still be a father figure to him, which is f*cking insane because they’ve known each other for a month and a half—it’s not like Brian raised him from childhood and then found out he wasn’t his biological father. But whatever, live your fantasy Brian, just please live it with your shirt off.
Across town, Tori and her husband get home from a long day to discover they have no electricity. They argue about how hard life is while Tori’s phone rings over and over again from someone trying to garnish her wages, and maybe it’s only because I’m poor as well, but I get it Tori! Hang in there! Also her marriage is doomed.
Meanwhile, Gabby’s relationship with her sweet husband is in trouble when she introduces him to Emily Valentine at the wrap party and he immediately can tell that they’ve had sex. After a quick conversation on the couch at Jason’s fancy club, he casually says “I don’t know how long ‘I don’t know’ will be good enough Gab,” and she replies “I know…” before they share a romantic kiss and we’re all left wondering when exactly the f*ck Andrea Zuckerman started getting laid on the regular!?
Speaking of train wrecks, Jennie is still dating the brainless, hot bodyguard who is obsessed with the way beer is brewed—which just like…I don’t care. In her defense, he is super hot, so I understand why she’s dealing with him talking about malt and hops all the time, but then he reveals his new chest tattoo: the initials “JG.” As soon as Jennie realizes that they’re her initials she runs for the hills, leaving her relationship with boring, hot bodyguard in the rearview, and bumps into her daughter, Kyler, who’s also unbearable. Nepotism runs in the veins of 90210, so it’s no surprise when Kyler complains constantly about only having one line. She finally relents after being told by Shannen that you have to pay your dues. During their little heart to heart, Shannen reminisces about a time 20 years ago that they all showed up in the same red dress to an event and didn’t speak for weeks, naturally. Kyler becomes obsessed with Shannen and starts downloading meditation apps and talking about rescuing roadkill possums. This does lead her and Jennie to have a little conversation that makes us believe everything will be okay in their relationship, a welcome result after the first episode where Kyler was filing for emancipation.
Emily Valentine, who’s just the absolute worst, announces that they’re heading to NY for upfronts! They did it! Upon arriving, Ian bumps into an old friend, Real Housewife of Beverly Hills and acting legend Denise Richards. Before long they’re in her hotel room “catching up” and licking each other’s necks. The next day, Ian excitedly introduces the boring writer to Denise and emphatically tells her what an amazing job she did on the script, with a smirk Denise says “Well of course she did a great job! She’s my daughter.” JAW DROP. Only not actually, because from the moment I saw Denise I knew she was boring writer’s mom. We wouldn’t have gotten that little foreshadow of her talking about her actor mother if she wasn’t going to be a quasi-famous guest star.
They all get in their outfits for the upfront presentation, obviously all wearing red, leading them to a multi-scene argument about who’s going to change. Emily Valentine comes in and lets them know the harsh reality of them being picked up to series: they have to move to Canada where it’ll be cheaper to film, and they can only afford to keep six out of the seven of them on as series regulars. “But we’ll save that conversation for another day!” Emily the nutjob jokes as they all walk out onto stage hand in hand to the classic Weezer song “Beverly Hills.”
As credits roll, we’re left with handfuls of questions. So that guy they arrested for being the psycho killer was actually the psycho killer? Is Jason actually Zack’s father? Why did Brian get worse at acting throughout the series? And most importantly—why the f*ck hasn’t Tori Spelling been asked to be a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills? Some questions are meant to go unanswered I suppose, and go unanswered they will…because if there’s a season two I will be completely gagged.
Images: FOX; Giphy (4)
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Aaaaannnndddd we’re five for five when it comes to dream sequence openings, but this time we get Brian Austin Green shirtless and putting out a fire with his t-shirt, so I really didn’t want anyone to wake up. Unfortunately, Brian does wake up, and we’re brought back to the harsh reality of this 90210 reboot.
If you’ll recall, the last episode ended with the entire set burning down, but we somehow still have The Peach Pit set, so filming must go on. Of course, the very first scene being shot is a love scene between Brian and Tori, leading me to believe that Tori is full-on still in love with Brian in real life and created this entire reboot to be able to kiss him again.
Brian tries to buddy up to his new-found stalker-turned-son, Zach, offering him a job on set as a production assistant, and then quickly telling him it would be okay if he wanted to call him Dad, which was so cringeworthy I wanted to throw my TV out the window. Zach tells him it’s weird…because like, duh, especially because Brian has yet to tell anyone about Zach, including his wife or other children. Brian acts all embarrassed, but he’s so cute it doesn’t matter and I immediately forget about how awkward it was. Frankly, if Brian Austin Green asked me to call him Daddy I would jump at the opportunity.
Before they begin filming the Tori/Brian sex scene, Emily Valentine reappears like the loch ness monster rising from the sea, and announces that the production has been shut down, yet again. They can’t film because they’re uninsured, and nobody will insure them until they find the stalker, so naturally the cast decides to take things into their own hands and go find the stalker themselves. Emily Valentine tells them if they don’t find him by the end of the day, they’ll all need to clean out their trailers—that they’ve all fully moved into. Tori Spelling has all six of her children, a big screen TV, a dog, and a literal f*cking live chicken in her trailer when she’s supposed to live a fifteen-minute drive away, but it’s better than the weird mountain-yurt-esque trailer Shannen has put together.
Gabrielle is still confused, receiving flowers from her poor, sweet husband while also navigating a sexual relationship with snake-woman Emily Valentine, who demands she sign a release saying she won’t sue over anything to do with their relationship. Gabrielle doesn’t want to sign it because she’s not out to anyone, and doesn’t want her coming out party to be signing a piece of paper, which like, calm down Andrea, it’s not that big of a deal.
Jennie has started dating her bodyguard who, despite being super hot, is boring AF. She starts pretending to like whatever he likes and we’re quickly given insight to her three failed marriages. She then debates whether she and hot bodyguard should sign a sex contract like Gabrielle and Emily Valentine, and there’s an uncomfortable joke about #MeToo and how they all miss the 90s.
As they’re all heading out of a meeting discussing the hundreds of people that hate them and could be their stalker, Tori falls down the stairs and is suddenly reminded of Ray Pruit, who in season six pushed her down the stairs, and in doing so accidentally destroyed his whole career. Fans literally ruined his career and sent him tons of hate mail as though he had pushed real-life Tori down the stairs, and this, the whole gang decides, is why he’s now going after them. They find him singing in a dive bar and he tells them he’s now a passionate fire fighter who would never set a fire! He fights them! Ah, yes! Logic! Also, depressing! As they’re apologizing for accusing the failed actor of being obsessed with them, they get a call from Jason saying they caught the real stalker: a bizarre-o super fan who owned the dress they stole in the pilot episode.
Now that we’re all safe and insured, the pilot can finally start shooting again, and Tori explains to the girls how she’s super nervous about the sex scene and doesn’t know if it’ll be better if Brian gets a boner or if he doesn’t…what’s a girl to do!? Tori spots David walking to the craft services table and follows him quicker than I follow any dog account anyone sends me. “SO, DEEP THOUGHTS, DONNA AND DAVID, HOW HAVE THEY MAINTAINED THEIR RELATIONSHIP THROUGH THE YEARS!?” She screeches at a quiet, forlorn David, who’s simply trying to learn his lines. “Well, their relationship is imaginary…” he answers, ignoring her while also being crazy hot.
They try filming the scene, but Jason won’t shoot her from the right side, so she refuses to continue and runs off set using a comforter as a towel. She tries again the next day but freaks out when Brian, who’s preoccupied with the fact that he has a new child, is acting distant. She decides to hire an “intimacy coach,” who comes on set to make sure everyone’s comfortable and happy. When they start getting into the scene and Brian brushes up against Tori’s boobs, the intimacy coach calls a cut, activating Tori screaming “THIS IS LIKE THE HANDMAID’S TALE!!!” She has literally been waiting twenty years for Brian to brush up against her boobs again, and the disdain and disappointment in her eyes is the best “acting” she’s delivered so far.
Meanwhile, Ian and the new writer start dating and keep asking each other to “Netflix and chill” like preteens. They act super dramatic about it the whole time, like somebody, anybody, is going to care, but it just doesn’t matter,q and their storyline is by far the hardest to get invested in. I mean, I don’t want to say Ian could be removed from the show and nobody would notice but….Ian could be removed from the show and nobody would notice.
Jason decides he can’t raise someone else’s baby and wants to leave Vanessa Lachey, but Jennie tries convincing him not to, because now that she’s in a committed relationship with her bodyguard she believes in love again…oh, and she’s also become completely insufferable. Gabrielle announces to the cast that she’s not straight and doesn’t know exactly how she identifies, Shannen calls her gay, and Tori wonders out loud if Brian is gay too, and that’s why he’s not into their sex scene. Ah, Tor…so sad, so delusional. Brian, inspired by Gabrielle’s announcement and desperate for attention, takes the moment to introduce Zach to the rest of the cast as his son. Shannen eats a sandwich, and through her lackluster attitude and subtle bitchiness, she has quickly become my favorite character.
Tori and Brian finally get through their “sex” scene, which is literally just a soft makeout where we don’t even get any tongue, and Tori is very pleased when Brian pops an accidental stiffy. Jason calls cut for the day and announces they’ve finally shot one scene, only 46 remain before the pilot is done! As they leave for the day to their apparent live-in trailers, Gabrielle meets the detective who’s investigating the case they allegedly solved, and we watch him pick up a water bottle that had been tossed in the recycling by none other than….Brian’s stalker-turned-son Zach!
The episode ends with Shannen kidnapping Tori’s chicken in her brand new car, and I’m left wondering how they’re going to wrap this whole thing up in only one more episode. Next week is the season finale, so I’m going to re-up my Xanax prescription and snuggle in for what is sure to be an episode even more confusing than the pilot.
Images: FOX; Giphy (6)
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The new BH90210 is really taking off, and as a dramatic bitch who loves complicated story lines and plastic surgery, I’m living for it. Episode four begins with yet another dream sequence—that’s four episodes and four dream sequences, so I guess that’s just like… going to be a thing. This is a good one, though, with Gabby in her pink prom dress and terrible hair yelling “You said you liked me!” while wielding a chainsaw on the counter of The Peach Pit. I was really connecting to her sentiment, but unfortunately her alarm goes off before she can do any damage, which is too bad because Andrea finally getting her revenge could be a very watchable plot point.
Later that morning, a flustered Gabby and Emily Valentine, who’s playing a fake version of herself in this reboot but will forever be Emily Valentine to the world, are out for daytime drinks discussing Gabby’s newfound sexual fluidity. Gabby awkwardly knocks over her martini while trying to be sexy, and then Emily is all like, “Oh no! did you think this was a date!? Sorry I messaged you on a dating app and asked you to drinks and am constantly flirting with you at work, I guess this one’s on me!” Like yeah, Emily Valentine, you heartless monster, of course she thought it was a date! Why do you always have to f*cking ruin everything!?
Meanwhile, Brian Austin Green’s wife, Lala, loses it when her no-autotune song leaks and is convinced it was Brian’s freaky little new assistant, Zack. While Brian insists it couldn’t possibly have been the teenager whom he’s known for all of 10 days, the little twerp pops in like a snitch and says he saw Lala’s stylist of five years lurking around in her private at-home studio. Lala, who’s supposed to be a Beyoncé-esque superstar, ends the conversation with an eye-roll and hires a private investigator behind his back. We never really found out how Jay-Z got caught, did we?
Ian’s bizarre feud with the new head writer comes to a head when it turns out she like…totally sucks at writing. The whole cast sits in silence after the table read and has no problem telling the overzealous, inexperienced writer that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She insists that she doesn’t even need this incredibly high-paying gig (she most definitely needs it) while refusing to write down any of their ideas or complaints.
With their first shoot day the next morning, the cast, and now-top-Fox-executive Emily Valentine, head to what is quickly becoming The Peach Pit of the reboot, a Soho House-esque private club, to guzzle $18 cocktails and write an entire new pilot for the next morning. Ian, who is crushing on the terrible writer, insists she find a private place to go and be with her thoughts before attempting her own rewrite, and inexplicably gives her the keys to his car. He starts secretly filming the cast with his phone as they argue and make up over and over, and sends the writer the videos. Suddenly she completely understands every single thing about the cast and writes a brand new, 60-page pilot in the matter of a few hours from the passenger seat of Ian’s parked car. Naturally, the entire cast gushes over it and praises the inexplicably-angry writer’s new work.
Jennie’s daughter Kyler, to whom Jennie promised a role in the reboot, is forced to fake audition for the role so as not to be too obvious with overwhelming nepotism: “I get nepotism, I’ve been dealing with it for 30 years!” Tori jokes about herself. LOL Tor, if you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at? I guess all those hard-working actors who didn’t stand a chance because your Dad was rich! As it turns out, Kyler totally sucks at acting, and the poor actress they brought in so it seemed real turns out to be a young Meryl Streep, so Jennie and Tori decide Kyler will play Tori’s daughter instead of Jennie’s. Kyler is thrilled about working closer with “Aunt Tori,” until she gets the script and realizes she’s essentially a featured extra and whines about it for the rest of the episode, all without looking up from texting. My advice: start a Bling Ring situation for the excitement and continue spending your mother’s money.
Kyler then reveals that she slashed her mother’s tires in an effort to keep her new bodyguard Wyatt around, which is like, really sweet I think. Oh yeah—in case you forgot, they’re all being stalked and harassed by someone who randomly pops in with little bloody dolls and chilling camera lens zooms.
Jennie tells Wyatt that Kyler was to blame for the tire incident, not the psycho killer, and they almost share a romantic parking lot kiss before Wyatt explains he needs to prioritize his career as a bodyguard over his romantic connections. If I had dollar for every time a guy used that excuse with me I would have enough money to pay off one of my credit cards!
Shannen finally makes her way to LA in her sherpa-inspired garb, then immediately leaves again because she doesn’t like the energy in the room. She goes to meditate cross-legged in the lobby while mulling over her decision to return. After Emily Valentine is done guiding Gabby into dating women (while still being married to the sweetest old man alive) she announces that Shannen is making double what everyone else is making. With almost no conversation at all, they all have a come-to-Jesus moment, and Shannen agrees to do the show for double the money. All is fair in love and desperation to be relevant again!
Lala calls hot-ass-daddy Brian and tells him that the private investigator discovered that yerppp, turns out it was her faithful stylist that leaked her song…but also that his new assistant Zack is a psycho who’s been stalking him for years. Win/lose for Lala! Brian is appalled that the stranger he barely knows, yet trusts to be with his children alone, would lie to him! After getting yelled at for being the psychotic stalker that keeps following them all around, Zack confesses he’s not a stalker, he’s Brian’s—wait for it—son. Before we get to delve into that mess, we cut to Gabby and Emily Valentine making out over freshly printed scripts, and Tori bashfully telling Jennie she still has feelings for Brian, who she dated fully 30 years ago. Like, get a grip bitch, we all want to f*ck him…he’s literally married to Megan Fox. None of us stand a chance.
The next day, they joyously arrive to the set, and they’re greeted by a red spray-painted door reading “STOP ACTING LIKE I’M NOT EVEN HERE.” The creepy, Halloween-themed door opens while the cast waits, smiling and ready for this crazy reboot to kick off. But instead of revealing a new Peach Pit or West Beverly High, literal flames pour out of the door and the credits roll. Looks like assistant Zack wasn’t the psycho after all!
I’m excited to see what next week has to bring, whether it’s more cast members sh*tting on the sanctity of marriage or a psycho serial killer trying to wear Tori Spelling’s skin!
Images: FOX; Giphy (5)
After the premiere of the 90210 reboot last week, I was left feeling disappointed and genuinely sad for Tori Spelling and the rest of the self-identified has-been cast. Frankly, it was a mess of a pilot. I needed a Powerpoint slideshow to help me keep track of the plot lines and an Anne-Hathaway-in-The-Devil-Wears-Prada level assistant to remember all the relationships.
Going into the second episode, I was harboring resentment that they somehow managed to get me to tune in, but within the first 10 minutes I was invested. What can I say? I’ve always been a sucker for the underdog, especially when the underdog was a child star. The fact that Tori Spelling needs this show financially is super evident, both in real life and on the show, and it’s oddly refreshing that she has no qualms about saying it.
The more times she brought up her dire financial situation, the more I connected with her, and at a particularly touching moment featuring her deadbeat husband, she opened up about needing this simply to prove to herself that she can do it. After several comments about living in her super-producer father’s shadow, I was completely on board. You’ve got this, bitch! You can do anything! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was a bartender just a year ago, you can do anything! Well, obviously not anything, but I mean you can probably get this reboot together.
The episode opens with Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling waiting to pitch their reboot idea to an overzealous Fox executive who mentions what a 90210 fan she was when she was a kid. It goes very well, and after almost no discussion the execs agree that it is in fact time for a reboot—a real reboot, Spelling specifies. The only stipulation being the entire cast needs to be on board. As we saw in the pilot, nobody is in a place to turn down a regular acting gig, but after the entire cast gets charged with public drunkenness, among other things, they’re less inclined to sign onto anything with Spelling. “See you in another 30 years!” Says a very dramatic Jason Priestley before the cast all leaves Tori standing desolate in the lobby of the Los Angeles Courthouse. Been there!
Obviously everyone’s going to sign on—they’re all depressed and poor, and as someone who’s depressed and poor, I guarantee you they’d all jump at the opportunity to earn steady money and those SAG rates are nothing to shake a stick at. Plus, collagen and botox are not free! Brian Austin Green decides he’s out of the reboot because he’s a “serious” actor now and he’s committed to doing movies! After he announces he’s apparently too good for Beverly Hills 90210 now, we see him poorly auditioning for what appears to be a terrible movie.
The audition sucks, and he knows it, but he miraculously gets the role because his Beyoncé-esque wife agrees to do a song for the soundtrack. He gets irrationally upset and storms into her dance rehearsal yelling and screaming that she doesn’t think he can do it all on his own, and like…he can’t do it all on his own so….get over it? Regardless, he ditches the movie and tells Tori over cocktails that he’s in for the reboot. A still-in-love-with-Brian, drooling Tori is thrilled.
Gabby, fresh off her first-ever girl kiss in the pilot, only agrees to do the reboot if her character Andrea is exploring her sexuality, a life-imitates-art thing that she shares with half the cast before her sweet old man of a husband. I am here for this Gabby-is-fluid-story line and she’s the best actress on the show, giving us a little taste of drama when she starts coming out to her husband in a teary monologue at the end.
Jason will only agree to the pilot if he’s made the director, and Tori, desperate for this reboot to happen, agrees. After Gabby gets him back in the good graces of the Screen Actor’s Guild, of which she’s president, both on the show and in real life, he goes home to tell his on-screen wife, played by Vanessa Lachey. She’s excited and agrees it’s the right move for him, especially with their baby on the way. Only it’s not his baby! You have to love the drama! Her baby’s father shows up at the house and she tells him never to come back, and he doesn’t…he instead pulls some strings and gets himself hired to write the reboot! You love to see it, where there’s a will, there’s a way, kids!
After Jason goes to the hospital for getting kicked in the balls by the same actor he punched in the pilot, he learns that he’s incapable of having children. In fact, he never was able to naturally conceive, as he’s informed by the doctors he inexplicably needs to see after a light ball kick. Ah, imagine having that kind of health insurance! As we wait for his breakdown moment, they decide not to give us too much in one episode, and he tells the doctor he’ll call him back which, as someone who consistently sweeps his problems under the rug, I totally connect with.
Ian Ziering’s still struggling with his wife’s infidelity from last week, and insists he’s not signing on to any contracts while he’s still married and could risk losing half of everything he makes. Half of very little is even less, after all. After planting some cameras in his house to get his cheating wife on video, he tells Tori he’s on board, under the condition she launches a line of skin products with him, which I don’t understand but whatever, it’s Beverly Hills.
Willing to do seemingly anything to get this reboot to happen, she agrees, and it seems she actually might’ve pulled everyone back together. Well, almost. Shannen Doherty is still saving wildlife and simply doesn’t have the time. We’re introduced to the idea that Shannen and Brian Austin Green are “secret best friends” when Green calls her to explain why he’s so mad at his superstar wife for being nice to him. As Shannen pulls netting off a distressed sea lion, she tells Brian to get over it, and then he presses her about the reboot. Naturally, we don’t get a clear answer before she has to hang up the phone to deal with the wild sea lion that she’s rescuing, all while using AirPods to chit chat oceanside.
Deciding to press on sans Shannen, Tori excitedly tells her co-creator, co-star, and best friend, Jennie Garth, that she’s got the gang all together. Jennie decides to crush Tori even more than life already has, saying she’s backing out because her daughter has filed for emancipation and she needs to focus on family. After spending the first half of the episode grappling with the divorce papers her third husband sent her, the idea of her only daughter essentially wanting a divorce as well is understandably upsetting. I mean, If I ever had a kid and they tried to divorce me I would pop off like the world had never seen. While they have a good relationship, Jennie’s daughter, Kyler, wants to be an actress, but Jennie simply won’t allow it! She even throws in a classic “NOT AS LONG AS YOU’RE UNDER MY ROOF” line. Also, if you’re naming your daughter Kyler, she’s going to want to be in show business…that’s like…a given. After a far-too-dramatic back and forth, they make an agreement that Kyler can become an actress like her mother but only if she’s in the 90210 reboot. Not a bad deal for a first job honestly. My first job was bagging groceries, but then again I’m not from Beverly Hills.
Throughout the episode, we see a creepy teenager taking photos of the cast paparazzi-style, and then at the end we see him applying online to be Brian Austin Green’s new assistant. You can find anything on Craigslist these days! The only problem is that he’s not a paparazzi, he’s a psycho stalker, and he sends each cast member voodoo dolls of themselves cut up and covered in fake blood. Ah, to be a free-spirited, passionate teenager again.
At one point, Brian is talking about the movie his wife tries buying his way into and says “What is it? is it a comedy or a drama? I can’t tell.” I’m assuming this was intentional, because I have no idea what this show is? Comedy? Drama? Soap opera? The point is, I’m here for it, and now that there’s a psychotic teenage stalker involved I’ll be here until the end. See you next week, Spelling.
Images: Fox; Giphy (6)
Okay kids, last night Beverly Hills, 90210 got the reboot its fans have been hoping for, and it turns out it’s true what they say: be careful what you wish for. Opening with a bizarre Tori Spelling dream sequence about Kelly and Brandon owning The Peach Pit and quickly turning into a depressing mockumentary about what happens if you don’t save your money when you’re a teenage actor, the entire show felt like a psychedelic mushroom trip that made me want to swear off shrooms for the rest of my life.
In no way is this reboot reminiscent of the 90210 that we remember from the 90s, but instead it’s a show about the cast and where they are now, only scripted. Confused yet? Same. With a bumpy intro they reveal each cast member’s current lot in life, and the audience (me) is left feeling kind of depressed at the peak behind the curtain and hopeful that it’s all exaggerated.
While it’s no secret that Tori Spelling’s had more financial trouble than anyone whose father was worth literally $600 million ever should, the episode seemed like a long PSA to Venmo her whatever I could spare. From multiple “jokes” about her reality shows being canceled to her on-screen husband not having a job, the entire thing just made me feel uncomfortable. Also, I’m no financial advisor, but it seems like she has plenty of money to blow on collagen injections and botox, so maybe she could save some green by not getting work done on her face seemingly every single day?
With so many similarities to the cast’s real lives, I kept finding myself Googling whether things were true or not, for example:
“Did Ian Ziering’s wife really audition for The Real Housewives of Orange County?”
“Has Jennie Garth been divorced 3 times?”
“Is Gabrielle Carteris actually the president of SAG?”
And my personal favorite, “Does Shannen Doherty own a tiger sanctuary?”
The answers, by the way, are no, yes, yes, and very unfortunately not. Those questions don’t even put a dent in how many things came up that left me scratching my head wondering if Brian Austin Green actually owns a private plane and if Tori Spelling actually made her father cast Jason Priestley all those years ago.
I’m sure a lot of things they’re supposed to be experiencing in the show are simply exaggerations of what the actors have experienced in real life, and in a way it’s admirable of Spelling to be so open about her financial issues, Garth to make light of her failed marriages, and Priestley to be so vocal about feeling like his best years have gone by, but the packaging of the pilot was simply too much. I found myself thinking, “is it too late at night to take Adderall” multiple times while using a red marker and a white board to try and connect all the floating nuggets of information being thrown at me like free T-shirts at an indoor football game. (I think…never been.)
To put it as simply as possible, the new 90210 is a reboot about a reboot. It was created by Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling, who have clearly maintained their friendship over the past 30 years.Spelling’s on-screen children call Garth “Aunt Jennie” to further the audience’s knowledge of their close relationship. (I also know they’re still friends because they guest-judged a recent episode of Rupaul’s Drag Race. Apparently sometimes being gay can come in handy while watching Fox.)
There were brief moments of humor, like the entire cast smashing the enclosed glass around Spelling’s iconic red dress from the Spring dance and forcing a stranger to Instagram live it, and Priestley knocking out a young actor for calling him a has-been. Overall, though, it was very clunky and rushed and needed to contain about half of the scenes that it did. Garth and Spelling maybe should’ve chosen whether Gabrielle needed both a heartwarming scene of her and her husband becoming grandparents and a scene of her making out with a female bartender. Or whether the show needed not one, but two former MTV veejays to play the wives of Priestley and Green. Or whether Garth really needed a scene in a velvet dress sitting by the pool flirting with a self-identified pig farmer who she ultimately ends up rejecting for calling her Kelly.
I don’t know if it’s because the show ended with a heartwarming scene of Garth and Spelling cuddled on the couch together talking about how doing this reboot is the answer to all their problems, watching a clip from the original 90210 where their fallen cast mate Luke Perry—who died suddenly earlier this year—says “welcome to paradise, man, welcome to your dream come true,” but I’m really rooting for them.
Was it completely insane? Yes. Will I tune in again next week, yes.
Images: FOX; Giphy (5)
Few events fill us with a warmer sense of nostalgia than when our favorite actors from beloved TV shows reunite for a quick dinner or a picture. Like when Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, and Jennifer Aniston reunited for an Instagram selfie, or when the stars of Clueless appeared on a panel together and then snapped a cute pic. I mean, the only thing better than one of these little reunions, which is really just former cast members hanging out together, is when the actual show comes back for a reboot. Well, 90s kids, today we’re getting a little bit of both, because two stars of the classic Beverly Hills, 90210 hung out and uploaded an Instagram ahead of the show’s reboot.
The new Beverly Hills, 90210, which will be called BH90210 (original) went into production in May, and is basically an imagining of what would happen if all the original actors (Tori Spelling, Ian Ziering, Gabrielle Carteris, Shannen Doherty, Jennie Garth, Brian Austin Green, and Jason Priestley) got together to make a revival of Beverly Hills, 90210. Uhmmm, what? That’s confusing because it’s literally what is happening. This is all too meta for me. And this isn’t the first time that there’s been a reboot of the iconic show—the CW had its own 90210 series that aired from 2008-2013, and not a single person I know watched it, but clearly it did pretty decent if it stayed on the air for 5 years.
Anyway, the new BH90210 reboot is supposed to air August 7th on FOX. But in the meantime, Shannen Doherty and Jason Priestly got together on some sort of farm (?) in front of a log cabin (?) and posted a pic. “And just like that, the twins are back,” she captioned the pic. If you’ll recall, Shannen and Jason played twins Brenda and Brandon Walsh (those names, I can’t), until Shannen left in season 4 and she was written out of the show.
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Most of the original Beverly Hills, 90210 cast will be returning for the reboot, with the exception of Luke Perry, who sadly passed away earlier this year, and Tiffani Thiessen, who is busy filming her Netflix series, Alexa & Katie. BH90210 is set to start airing August 7, so set your DVRs now (are DVRs still a thing?).
Images: Shutterstock; theshando / Instagram
It’s a sad day for Riverdale and 90210 fans, as news broke that Luke Perry passed away at age 52. Perry had suffered a massive stroke last Wednesday in his home in Sherman Oaks, California. TMZ reported that when paramedics arrived at Perry’s home after his stroke, he was responsive and talking, but his condition deteriorated. Unfortunately, he never recovered and passed away on Monday.
Perry first became a household name as an actor in the 90s, when he played Dylan McKay on Beverly Hills, 90210. He played McKay from 1990-1995, and then again from 1998-2000. More recently, he was known for playing Archie Andrews’ dad, Fred, on The CW show Riverdale. Riverdale executives told TMZ, “Luke was everything you would hope he would be: an incredibly caring, consummate professional with a giant heart, and a true friend to all. A father figure and mentor to the show’s young cast, Luke was incredibly generous, and he infused the set with love and kindness. Our thoughts are with Luke’s family during this most difficult time.”
At press time, the Riverdale Twitter had yet to release any statement about Perry’s death, as had KJ Apa (who plays Perry’s son on Riverdale), Cole Sprouse, Camila Mendes, and Lili Reinhart. However, the Riverdale writers room Twitter account posted a touching tribute to Perry.
Luke Perry… you were a joyful and vibrant soul. You will be missed but most certainly your legacy will be remembered forever. Rest in love and peace, friend. #Riverdale
— Riverdale Writers Room (@RiverdaleWriter) March 4, 2019
Molly Ringwald, who plays Perry’s estranged wife on the show, tweeted, “My heart is broken. I will miss you so much Luke Perry. Sending all my love to your family.
My heart is broken. I will miss you so much Luke Perry. Sending all my love to your family. ❤️ #LukePerry
— Molly Ringwald (@MollyRingwald) March 4, 2019
When the initial news of Perry’s stroke broke, Shannon Doherty, one of Perry’s 90210 costars, posted a picture of the two of them on Instagram, writing in the caption, “My friend. Holding you tight and giving you my strength. You got this.”
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Just days ago, it was announced that Beverly Hills, 90210 was slated for a six-episode revival, with Jennie Garth, Jason Priestley, Tori Spelling, Ian Ziering, Brian Austin Green, and Gabrielle Carteris confirmed to play their original characters. Shannon Doherty and Luke Perry were not attached to the revival at the time, but it was reported that Fox was keeping the door open for either to appear on the show.
Perry’s rep told TMZ that the actor was surrounded by family and close friends at the time of his death, including his children, fiancée, ex-wife, mother, step-father, brother, and sister.
Images: Shutterstock; theshando / Instagram, riverdalewriter, mollyringwald / Twitter