5 Signs A Real Housewife Needs To Retire

Just weeks ago, a grown woman was caught on film having a meltdown while on the job. She yelled at her boss, suggested that she was the reason for his success, and publicly shamed a coworker with same-sex proclivities, saying, “We don’t do that” and “Turn it down!” In any other functional workplace, this behavior would get a person immediately fired, but in Real Housewives land it gets you ratings and a promotion. Of course, this isn’t the first time Vicki Gunvalson has gone off the rails, but it is the first time it has felt like a palpable line had been crossed. After her entitled and delusional outbursts at The Real Housewives of Orange County season 14 reunion, it became clear that she had fallen prey to some classic Real Housewife pre-retirement symptoms, suffered by many fellow Housewives, past and present. Read on for the signs a Real Housewife should leave the party.

1. Not Fully Participating in Filming and Reunions

There are always going to be parts of our jobs that we don’t like, for example, having to interact with other human beings partnering with coworkers on group projects. However, we’re paid to fully execute our responsibilities, and a Housewife’s duties are no different. This means showing up to all filming obligations, regardless of whether you feel like it or are getting along with your fellow castmates. Unfortunately, Lisa Vanderpump didn’t seem to understand this concept throughout season 9 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, when she just decided to stop filming midway through and chicken out on the reunion because she wasn’t getting along with the other women. It’s no wonder she was fired won’t return for the upcoming season. NeNe Leakes is also currently suffering from a similar delusion on this season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. She’s barely been a presence and is leaving the heavy lifting to “friends of” like Marlo Hampton. It’s like asking an intern to bear your entire workload. Aspirational, but not how it actually works. If the Bravo execs have any sense, they’ll give Ms. Leakes her walking papers.

2. Forgetting The Show Is An Ensemble Effort

It’s natural that in any season there are going to be fan favorites and breakout stars. But Housewives get into trouble when they start believing their own hype and convincing themselves that they are the stars of their shows and their fellow castmates are merely supporting players. Vicki demonstrated this over and over again on the season 14 reunion, constantly making references to “my show” and saying “Get her off my show!” in reference to Braunwyn. Teresa Giudice is also guilty of using similar language on multiple occasions. What both Vicki and Teresa fail to realize is that they are on a show that thrives—nay, depends—on the interactions between cast members. Unless you’re Bethenny Frankel, you’re not compelling enough to carry your own show. Suck it up and know your role before you find yourself out of a job.

3. Crossing Moral And/Or Legal Boundaries

As Housewife fans, we live for drama, but when that drama derives from behavior that is immoral or downright illegal, it becomes hard to stand by the Housewife in question. We can never forget Vicki’s entanglement with real-life Dirty John Brooks Ayers, who spent the bulk of season 10 perpetrating a cancer scam, and although she was fully aware of this claimed to know nothing about it, she lost a lot of her luster with fans and the storyline was widely considered a low point for the series. Behavior that goes even further and ventures into criminal territory will get you fired, as Phaedra Parks learned after the revelation during the season 9 Atlanta reunion that Phaedra spread defamatory rumors claiming Kandi and Todd wanted to drug Porsha in order to take advantage of her. Attorney Phaedra should have known better than anyone that no one wants to deal with lawyers.

4. Being Inauthentic

We’ve all deduced by now that “reality” television is hardly real in the way, say, documentary footage or live news reporting is real. Plots need to be fleshed out, and at times that leads to storylines that can come off a bit contrived. However, when a Housewife herself is inauthentic, it’s a deal-breaker, and a telltale sign that she has no business being on the show. Tamra Judge on Orange County is a perfect current example. A woman who was once a pot-stirring firecracker prone to taking her top off is now, over a decade later, a pot-stirring firecracker prone to taking her top off. Only now it’s no longer novel and comes off as a desperate attempt to stay relevant on a show that is evolving without her. Another party guilty of inauthenticity of a different type is Dorit Kemsley on Beverly Hills. Forgetting about her put-on accent, Dorit’s refusal to air any of her real-life controversies makes her one of the phoniest Housewives we’ve ever had. It’s unclear what she brings to the show, other than a piggish husband and a penchant for over-the-top, label-displaying fashion she can’t actually afford. Yawn.

5. Avoiding Drama

Just like part of the job is showing up to filming at the appointed times, another integral part of being a Housewife is getting into it with other Housewives. Yet, year after year, there are always several women who complain that they “don’t want any drama” and refuse to go toe-to-toe with the others. In fact, aside from Puppygate, the entire cast of Beverly Hills built a whole season around this ethos, leaving us with one of the most boring seasons of the show we’ve ever seen (and that’s saying something). Even Namaste Teresa is a shell of the table-flipping, prostitution-whore-calling woman she once was, staying out of the fray and letting other people like Danielle Staub do her bidding. One might say this is growth and one might be right, but we all know dignity and maturity have no place on reality television. If I wanted to watch respectful and thoughtful people politely interact with one another, I’d put on The Great British Bake Off. Pick a lane, people!

It will be interesting to see what Bravo does with its OGs, who are some of the worst offenders when it comes to this list. While there’s something comforting about keeping around those who have been there from the beginning, getting rid of the women who aren’t pulling their weight keeps the others on their toes, especially those who lack the self-awareness to course-correct like Lisa Rinna, who does her best despite her drama-eschewing castmates. What other signs are there that a Housewife needs to go and who do you think needs to get off our screens? Let me know in the comments!

Images: Paul Morigi/Getty Images; Giphy (4); Tenor (1)

Is Bethenny Frankel Secretly Married?

Just two days ago we all had to come to terms with the harsh reality that Bethenny Frankel will not be returning for season 12 of The Real Housewives of New York, and today, the business mogul took to Twitter to announce she was married? I need a vacation, it’s all too damn much. How much do you think we can handle Bethenny, my therapist is out of town!

Bethenny, who’s appeared on the first three seasons of RHONY as well as the most recent five, has become a real life business tycoon and arguably one of the most successful women to come out of a Housewives franchise. We’ve all come to know and love her as the straight shooter who says things most people only dream about saying.

After a long Instagram post explaining her reasons for leaving the show, fans took a deep breath and prepared to move on to a Frankel-less season 12, but before we could even pull ourselves together she decided to drop another bomb on us when this morning she tweeted a nice farewell to the remaining housewives while somehow burying the lede that she very well may have gotten married!?

To my NY hwives: GO GET EM! I had to go since I’m the only one that is actually married…that’s how crazy this ride is. You are all amazing, beautiful and strong. Spread your wings and fly! Xoxo @ramonasinger @CountessLuann @TinsleyMortimer @SonjatMorgan @dorindamedley

— Bethenny Frankel (@Bethenny) August 23, 2019

Bethenny has never been one to be overly sappy, but like…can a bitch get an explanation!? Can we get some photos!? A little video!? I would even settle for a goddamn Boomerang! Bethenny has had a rough year, when her on-again/off-again boyfriend Dennis Shields died suddenly from an overdose last August, and with a major scare herself when she went unconscious and nearly died after having a severe allergic reaction to fish. She’s been no stranger to turmoil, separating from her husband Jason Hoppy in 2013 and often mentioning her abusive, tumultuous childhood throughout her time on RHONY.  Fans rejoiced when in December she began posting Instagram photos of her and apparent new boyfriend Paul Bernon on vacation together and said during the RHONY Season 11 reunion that Paul was the man who found and saved her life after the allergy incident.

While the tweet definitely alludes to the fact that she’s married, it seems it just may be an exaggeration. In a statement to ET, Bethenny’s ex-husband’s lawyers said that Bethenny and Jason’s divorce hasn’t been finalized, although they haven’t been together in six years. What is happening!?

The couple were assumed to be legally divorced in 2016 when Jason’s lawyers confirmed with ET that everything had been finalized and he was excited to move on with his life…but apparently not? Also what is the connection with Jason’s lawyers and ET!? In January 2017, he was arrested for harassment and for making threats to Bethenny, but ultimately pleaded out and the case was dropped. Bethenny sued for full custody of their now 9-year-old daughter shortly after. Now, however, his lawyers are saying the two haven’t legally divorced and I’m not a f*cking attorney so like what is going on?

Regardless, Bethenny seems very happy with her new beau, often posting photos of themselves with sappy captions like “I like me better when I’m with you,” which normally would make me roll my eyes to hard I’d vomit but we all know Bethenny deserves happiness! We’re all rooting for you! For now though it seems they’re not legally married, but perhaps just figuratively married like your friends that get in serious relationships and never want to go out anymore.

Images: Giphy (4); bethenny / Twitter

The Real Housewives Of New York Almost Died On A Cruise

If you’ve ever watched even one season of a Real Housewives show, you know that the most important element of the show is the group trip. Prepare yourself, because the Real Housewives of New York just took a cruise from hell. Over the years, the New York housewives have taken a wide variety of exotic trips, including St. John (aka Scary Island where Kelly lost her mind), Morocco (cue Luann saying “ya habibi” seven million times), and even the far-away land of Montana. But nothing could have prepared Luann, Ramona, Bethenny, and the gang for this trip to Colombia.

The ladies are currently filming for season 10, and they headed down to Cartagena, Colombia, presumably because one of them slept with someone who owns a fabulous vacation home there or some shit like that. There’s always a connection. From there, they were supposed to spend the day on a luxury yacht. This is usually the part of the trip where nothing really goes wrong: Ramona has her Pinot Grigio, Luann pretends to be reading a book, and Sonja is tanning while ass naked. Yaaaaawn. But this time, the day on the yacht turned into the boat trip from hell, and we seriously can’t wait to see it unfold on Bravo.

Bethenny Frankel Real Housewives Of New York

Let’s just say, the boat wasn’t as luxurious as it was supposed to be. Page Six reports that, to start with, “Once they were ushered on board, the boat couldn’t even move. The anchor got stuck, so the crew had to saw the anchor off before they could sail anywhere.” I’m already laughing my ass off from the thought of these women watching them saw off the anchor, and it gets so much better.

After leaving the dock, the engine on the boat reportedly caught fire, which like, isn’t supposed to happen. There was apparently no fire extinguisher on board, and the crew didn’t speak any English. Yikes. As if that wasn’t enough, the seas were very rough, and “the seats and other things on board that weren’t nailed down started flying about.” OKAY. So just picture Luann the fucking Countess on a boat that is literally on fire and there are seat cushions just fucking pummeling her in the face. Darling, it’s a nightmare.

Luann De Lesseps Real Housewives Of New York

According to the reports, the housewives were screaming, throwing up from seasickness, and genuinely convinced they were going to die like it was the fucking Titanic. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is how you make reality TV. They were eventually rescued by a passing ship, but Bravo has reportedly offered the ladies counseling for their traumatic experience.

With this and Luann’s wild Christmas in Palm Beach, the next season of Real Housewives of New York City is shaping up to be an absolute shit show. Thanks to our lord and savior Andy Cohen, we’ll surely get to see the whole messy thing. Why do we love this shit so much?

Images: Bravo; Giphy (3)