If you were looking for an excuse to skip work this week, maybe the planets can help out. It’s probably a better mental exercise to throw out your phone, stop looking at the internet, and just sit quietly on your patio until everyone wears a mask, Trump stops tweeting and the Karens of the world crawl back into their Live Laugh Love-adorned homes. If that isn’t an option, though, and you still need to pretend to be a functioning member of society, allow the universe to provide some vague clues as to what’s in store.
Cancer
Get ready for the emo feels, Cancer. The moon, your ruler, is taking you on a rollercoaster of emotions this week, so get ready to overreact to everything. Pizza didn’t reheat correctly? Breakdown. Boss unknowingly unmuted you while you farted on that Zoom call? Instant tears. Mom not answering your call while you’re bored? Anxiety attack. Oh, and be careful toward Thursday and Friday, when you’re likely to come THIIIIS close to telling your director to shove it.
Leo
The sun is making your work-life mental balance a breeze this week, Leo. Take the opportunity and tackle a work project and home DIY project that’s been sitting on your to-do list for like, a while. If work takes the wind out of your sails by Tuesday, though, it’s okay to be a little less gung-ho and tackle something easier, like making dinner for yourself instead of ordering out again. Regardless, the planets will def be on your side.
Virgo
It’s all about learning this week, Virgo. Your work life may benefit from your need to soak up awesomeness and new skills this week, so make sure you’re reminding everyone what a valuable asset you are to the team. It could be as simple as learning how to Photoshop better or as difficult as mastering crystal reporting in Excel. Whatever the case, you’ll sail through this week ready to celebrate how great you are by the weekend.
Libra
The moon and Venus are in the perfect place for you to push boundaries this week, Libra, but less in a rock-the-boat way and more in a happy adventure sort of way. Like, it could be a great week to talk up your latest project with your boss and be rewarded because of it (maybe even with money!). It could also be a great opportunity to challenge your partner to try that new, kinda weird thing in bed. Sure, it’s a Wednesday night and he might be tired, but I’m pretty sure if you couch it the right way, safely exploring new frontiers shouldn’t be a hard sell.
Scorpio
It may be an emotionally tense week, Scorpio. Relationships may feel confusing and murky, so don’t feel bad if you and your S.O. are clashing more than usual. Like, should you have a screaming match over dishes in the sink or finding dirty, crusty socks in the couch? No, but the planets make us do weird sh*t sometimes.
Sagittarius
Money is on the horizon this week, Sagittarius, so it’s a great time to get your spending under control and your budget in order. Try to focus on the future, and not on things you think you want right now. The end of the week will put the onus on your relationships, so get ready to feel extra connected to your loved ones (even if you can’t see them IRL ATM).
Capricorn
You’re going to feel a pull to get serious this week, Capricorn. It could be about your future, about a relationship, or about your career. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to speak your mind and ask for what you want. Time that sh*t for the end of the week, though, because the moon is being a non-communicative asshole before then. F*cking planets.
Aquarius
Give in to the romance this week, Aquarius. Normally, the workweek doesn’t feel like the ideal time to explore intimacy, but Venus will be all about it Monday through Friday. Take time for some stimulating convos, indulging in sh*t you both enjoy, and lots of sexy time. If you’re single, use this week to explore what you’re truly looking for in a relationship. Sounds crazy, but actually understanding what you want may save you a lot of time, heartache, and sh*tty dates.
Pisces
It’s all about the warm and fuzzies this week, Pisces. FaceTime your mom and recount all of your fav old family stories, or fire up the grill with dad via Zoom so he can yell at you for flipping the burgers one too many times. Connecting with those closest to you will leave you feeling refreshed and renewed as you head into the weekend.
Aries
Rewards may be on the horizon, Aries. Lean in and make the most of it, and by that we mean once your boss says “good job on that PowerPoint/staying awake on that Zoom call/putting on pants for work today,” it’s time to treat yourself with an after-office-hours margarita and some terrible TV. You earned it.
Taurus
The moon and Uranus are all like, “switch it up, Taurus.” And you’re all like, “meh.” But, if you want this week to be productive, change up your routine a little. Maybe instead of hitting snooze four times before rolling into the ol’ home office, get up early two of five days for morning yoga or jogging. Or just try it once and tell everyone about it. Toward the end of the week, your foray into changing things up could actually give your romantic life a boost, too.
Gemini
The COVID times have made it difficult to connect with your loved ones, Gemini, but this week you’ll feel more at peace with the current state of sh*t than usual. It could be a call with your mom or a beer with a sibling that helps break up the monotony. Whatever the case, use the emotional boost from your fam to push through and get to the f*cking weekend.
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Beware the Ides of March, or whatever. That has something to do with killing Julius Caesar, a character and person my high school English curriculum demanded I be familiar with. The good news is that the weekend of Ides and March and ancient rulers doesn’t seem to be too scary for most of us, if the planets are to be believed. Between warmer weather, longer days, and a stock market prime for buying (ugh, ask your dad to explain it to you), you ought to be taking advantage of this almost-Spring season.
Pisces
Travel, but keep it chill, Pisces. With the coronavirus f*cking sh*t up left and right, head out of town via car and use hand sanitizer to enjoy a weekend getaway close to home. Saturday evening is all about staying present and examining how you really feel about your professional career, or lack thereof. Talk it over with your bestie or partner while eating something bad for you.
Aries
Your dry spell may also be over, Aries. Pluto is helping you out in the romance department on Friday night, so if you’re single, maybe it’d be hilarious to line up two or three dates in a row. The moon in Sagittarius on Saturday wants you to recover from your wild Friday night by wandering into the part of town you usually avoid (not like, if it’s dangerous tho). Explore some sh*t you wouldn’t normally be caught dead doing, like an abstract art gallery or restaurant specializing in animal intestines. Yay, exploration.
Taurus
It’s a great weekend to show your partner or your close friends how much you care, Taurus. Scorpio is making you focus on connections on Friday and Saturday, so plan a much-needed date night with your SO—whether it’s Netflix and chill or an actual outing at that French restaurant you’re intimidated by. And even if you have a headache, try to make time for the sexy stuff, too. It’ll be worth it.
Gemini
Recognize how badass you are, Gemini. You don’t pat yourself on the back enough, and this is the weekend to do it. Head out for some r&r after work on Friday, be it a pedicure or indulging in something you haven’t done since college… like eating an entire Pizza Hut pizza or playing flip cup. Saturday is all about relationships, so pay attention to yours and spend time with the people that lift you up and encourage you to eat another taco or take one more shot. They’re like, the best.
Cancer
Bring on the waterworks, Cancer. This weekend is going to be more of an emotional rollercoaster than that time you saw Marley & Me on your period. Since the planets are planning on f*cking up your eye makeup all weekend, make a date with your couch and lock yourself inside to finally binge watch Mark Love Is Blind. Once you’re through about five episodes, that joke will make sense, sweetie.
Leo
Call your mom, Leo, and spend some time with the fam this weekend. The moon is all about creativity on Saturday, so make that recipe with a lot of wiggle room, invite your parents over, and argue over your cooking. Sunday is for cleanup and relaxation, so maybe after your mom badgers you about it, you can finally vacuum that cobweb off the top of the fridge and fold your laundry, you asshole.
Virgo
You’ll be feeling extra perceptive on Friday, Virgo, so it’s fine to dole out advice to your friends whether they need it or not. After your pep talks, Saturday is all about being home, cuddling up on the couch, and not doing chores. You’ll feel a burst of energy on Sunday to get some sh*t done, but, otherwise, give yourself a break and revel in the weird March weather, fam.
Libra
It’s a great weekend to learn wtf your 401k is doing (or, like what it is), so buckle up and learn about Roth IRAs this weekend, Libra. The moon in Sagittarius on Saturday will inspire you to get out of the house, so keep all those financial tidbits in mind when you head into Sephora after a pitcher of mimosas, k? Sunday is for resetting, so it’s a great time to tell everyone about the break you’re taking from social media, or whatever.
Scorpio
You’re feeling 100% like that bitch this weekend, Scorpio, so f*cking own it. Try out that new top you’ve been afraid reveals too much side boob on Friday night and flirt with strangers (to an extent; don’t get crazy). You’ll be in a good headspace to examine your home on Saturday, so go through and start Spring cleaning early—i.e. get rid of all the do-dad’s you haven’t touched in years, the skirt from freshman year of high school that definitely will never fit again, and donate your beanie baby collection.
Sagittarius
Get ready for some wacky f*cking dreams, Sagittarius. Seriously, keep your Notes app open and next to your bed, because Friday night could be full of imagery weirder than a Salvador Dalí painting. And if you didn’t get that reference, maybe you should’ve paid attention in art history class. Saturday you’ll feel friendly and energetic, which is so outside the norm that you should spread your good vibes around. Cheer on your boyfriend at his dumbass dodgeball tournament, or smile at a stranger.
Capricorn
Host a dinner party, Capricorn. We know that cooking (or ordering takeout) for a group can be exhausting, but you’ll be craving some friend time on Friday night, so make the most of it with good food, alcohol, and comfy pants. On Saturday and Sunday the planets are pushing you to slow tf down, so don’t feel bad if you just want to hang close to home, read a book, and FaceTime your mom.
Aquarius
Listen to your gut, Aquarius. Spend the day on Friday really looking at opportunities for growth at work, whether it means pitching that idea you thought was kind of stupid or volunteering to help on a huge project. It could pay off. On Saturday you’ll be feeling social, so soak up the not-30-degree weather and lounge at a brewery where you can pretend to like IPAs and dig hipsters with beards wearing too much plaid.
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Jupiter is on the move this week, as it makes its way into Capricorn for the first time since 2009, giving us all the energy we need to make it through the No Man’s Land between Thanksgiving and Christmas (or the gift-based holiday of your choice). This get-sh*t-done planet is all about finishing out your 2019 goals in a sustainable way, and preparing you for the winter hibernation to come. Just think: a month from now it’ll be New Year’s Day, and it’ll be 100% acceptable to spend the entire day in bed sweating out last night’s champagne. You can almost feel the hangover now…
Aries
Say it with me Aries: planning makes perfect. You’ve got luck and success on your side this week thanks to Jupiter, but only if you actually take time to think things through. None of this impulsive “I’m just gonna text them right now” bullsh*t. Time to dust off the ‘ol Moleskine and get to strategizing. A bullet journal never hurt anybody (unless you throw it).
Taurus
‘Tis the season to get out of your shell, Taurus. And yes, that does mean leaving the couch. You’re in the mood for an end of year adventure, which is a big leap from the other 11 months a year when you’re in the mood to watch other people’s adventures on television. Look for opportunities to take chances this week and shake things up. I know that’ not really your sign’s thing, but trust me, do it and you will be rewarded.
Gemini
Now that you’re finally done digesting turkey, it’s time to digest something else….your relationships. This week the stars are aligned for you to really go deep with an intimate relationship and figure out what makes it tick. No more surface level convos or “wyd” texts. You’re in the mood to get down to the nitty gritty with questions like “what’s your greatest fear?” or “do you think Jeffrey Epstein killed himself?” You know. The real sh*t.
Cancer
This week is all about committed relationships for you, Cancer—finding them, keeping them, and getting the f*ck out of them if they don’t serve you. Single Cancers should take a good hard look at their dating style and see if maybe there’s something they could be doing differently to nab a keeper. For example, switching out the pic where you’re ripping shots in nipple pasties for that cute one you and your grandma took at Thanksgiving dinner. Cancers who are already in a relationship should try to think about what they need for this one to really go the distance. Who knows, get this right and you could end up one of those couples that gets engaged on New Year’s Eve. Barf.
Leo
Go a little ham on the sides this Thanksgiving? No worries, Leo. Jupiter has put you in the mood for a major health and wellness kick, aka a turkey detox. Basically it’s the holidays, but make it healthy. Why not sign up for that new cycling studio now so you’re not one of the newbies who can’t clip into their bike on January 1st? Plus, gift-giving holidays are the perfect time to ask for some fresh athleisure. And nothing motivates you to make it to that 6am yoga class like a cute new pair of leggings.
Virgo
Get ready, Virgo. You’ve got tons of new opportunities on the horizon, and it’s going to be your job to separate the business investments from the multi-level marketing scams. (Hint: if you heard about it via Facebook Messenger from a random person that went to your high school that you haven’t talked to years, it’s probably a pyramid scheme.) Once you’ve separated out the obvious scams, don’t let fear get in the way of making some big time money moves. Forbes list, here you come!
Libra
You’re feeling pulled in two very different directions this week, Libra, which is stressful. On the one hand, you want to drop your entire life savings on an Eat, Pray, Love journey to any country that is warm right now. On the other hand, you want to drop your entire life savings on turning your home into a winter wonderland and enough provisions so you don’t leave until April. On the bright side, no matter which you choose, your life savings is canceled, so no use worrying too much about it.
Scorpio
Your past month of frugal living pays off this week and it’s time to—if I may borrow a meme from 2011—treat yo self. Yes, the holidays are upon us and you’re probably trying to save up for all the amazing gifts you have planned, but what about setting aside a lil somethin’ to gift your favorite person: yourself? Whether it be a fancy-ass latte, some cute gloves you won’t have to take off to text, or a luxurious cab ride home when you don’t feel like dealing with public transit, you deserve a little extra love. Also like, it’s your damn money in the first place.
Sagittarius
Slow it down, Sagittarius. It’s officially winter. The whole world is winding down, and now so are you. If it’s gonna get dark at 4pm, there’s no reason for your brain to continue working after that time. And besides, no one really expects you to work between Thanksgiving and New Years anyway. No one except your boss, that is.
Capricorn
Time for one of your favorite activities, Capricorn! Vision boarding! With Jupiter in your sign, you’re finally getting the clarity you need to see beyond 2019 into…dare I say…2020. Where will you be this time next year? In your corner office getting hair and makeup done for your new position as a judge on Shark Tank? On a yacht you bought with cash after finally dedicating yourself to a life of crime? No judgment. Just start planning and make it happen.
Aquarius
Take a deep breath, Aquarius. In fact, take two deep breaths. Then sit down. Then lay down. Then close your eyes. Then go to sleep. You’ve been cruising for some major burnout these past few months, so take a cue from the winter weather and get ready to hibernate hard. Put your phone on do not disturb and set an out of office message, even though you’re still in town. Whatever you need to do to recharge. You’re of no use to anyone if you die of exhaustion anyway.
Pisces
You’ve been focused as f*ck on advancing your career, but now it’s time to reconnect with the world. Friends? What are those? Do you have any left? This week, take some time to reconnect with the group by setting up a brunch, happy hour, or movie night. The only rule? You’re not allowed to talk about work for more than five minutes. You can do it. I promise.
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