New Study Finds You Literally Can’t Help It That You’re So Popular

You know that feeling you get that you’re better than everyone else? Well, you’re actually right about that. It turns out the ability to social climb is embedded into your genes. So you literally can’t help it that you’re so popular. Sorry for letting you fall, Gretchen. You were right all along.  A new study by Kings College in London found that your genes actually determine 50% of whether or not you will be socially mobile. The other half is basically determined by being rich which like, yeah duh we knew that already. According to the study, children who were born with the popularity genes tended to score better on all of their tests, regardless of how educated or wealthy their parents were.

This probably explains why even when we don’t want to do work, we still succeed at everything we do. Think Elle Woods in Legally Blonde just casually taking her LSATs and getting into Harvard. 

This study was the first to find substantial proof of “genetic influence on children’s social mobility” aka, what we’ve known all along, that some people are just born popular. Using a sample of 6,000 twin families (it’s always twins, isn’t it?), researchers measured whether or not children were able to measure up to the education status of their parents. So like, if your kid scores high on their tests even though you didn’t go to college and just run like an Etsy shop or whatever, that child is upwardly mobile. If you’re rich AF and went to an Ivy but your kid failed their tests, then your kid doesn’t have the popularity gene and isn’t upwardly mobile. Honestly, this test seems kind of mean, which I guess is perfect for popular people. 

Unfortunately, this also means some people are just born to fail, which explains the trust fund bro we dated who had everything handed to him yet still ended up arrested for selling oregano to a police officer. Even when their parents were already educated and successful, the kid could still end up becoming a DJ or street magician so like, thank god we were born with the right genes. Can’t help that things come so easy for us!

10 Times Buffy The Vampire Slayer Inspired The Coldhearted B*tches We Are Today

Before Edward Cullen assaulted our eyes with his pasty AF skin, there was Buffy the vampire slayer. Real talk though: Edward better count his fucking blessings that Buffy had better things to do with her time, like stop the apocalypse every five fucking minutes, otherwise you know she would have staked his hipster ass the first chance she got. Can you imagine a world without Edward whining to Bella about all the ways in which he didn’t want to fuck love her? What a world that would be. Sighs. ANYWAYS, apparently it’s been 20 years since Buffy The Vampire Slayer first aired and I suddenly feel the need to start drinking during lunch because Jesus Christ we’re ancient.

If you’ll remember, this was the show that gave us the best one-liners to fire back at our mothers with when they were being like, sooo embarrassing. It also was the root of our desire to wear red leather and platform sneakers. But most importantly, it gave us the only question to ask if you really wanted to know someone: Are you Team Angel or Team Spike? But because I don’t want to make someone cry get into this with people on social media, I won’t start this debate now. *Cough* Team Angel *Cough*

From her fashion choices to the way she got every hot AF immortal badass to profess their undying love for her, it’s clear that Buffy was a betch. So in honor of the series’ 20th anniversary, here are 10 reasons why Buffy was a true chosen betch.

1. She knew from a very early age that she was low-key better than everyone else around her and she wasn’t afraid to brag talk about it.

Me when a guy on Tinder asks why I’m being such a bitch by not giving him my number.

2. And like every true betch she let her RBF do all the talking for her:

Iconic.

3. While other girls are getting ghosted by Bumble bros she had not one, but TWO guys willing to risk their literal souls for her love.

I’ll slow clap to that. Like, either of these guys could love me, leave me, and fuck me up emotionally and I would say “thanks for your time.”

Also #TeamAngel

4. And on that note, she had the original platinum vagine.

Sorry Corinne, but did your vagina ever cause someone to lose their soul/try and end the world and/or gain a soul/stop the end of the world? No? Then maybe you should think about re-branding those T-shirts…

5. She perfected the I DGAF attitude. Like, even though the apocalypse is coming she cannot even be bothered.

Me when everyone starts freaking out about an impending snowstorm.

6. She’s also, like, V uplifting.

Seriously, she should got into motivational speeches.

7. When her friends stepped out of line (which was always) and tried to pull something stupid shit like save the world or wear mom jeans with clear plastic inserts she’d be there to put them in their fucking place.

Words I whisper to myself every morning.

8. And she was ALWAYS having to save her friends from getting blackout and taking home strangers vampire attacks.

The SHADE.

9. She was full of judgement insight into the human psyche.

That practically screams “Do not trust her. She’s a fugly slut.”

10. She died like, five times on the show and that still didn’t stop her from being the hottest cast member. And knowing it.

Tbh my only complaint is that she didn’t appreciate the true gift that was Anya.

Her appreciation for vengeance and sarcasm gives me the will to live. How can you not love this girl??

HOW?

In conclusion, Buffy was one of the betchiest girls of the ’90s hands down. Now, if you need me, I’ll just be drinking like it’s 1997 again.

Are Crystals Betchy? An Investigation

Crystals have been around for a while, but getting crystals at witchy stores like Spellbound Sky and House of Intuition are becoming as basic as adopting a rescue dog. At least the rescue dog will get you more Instagram likes. But let’s take a look at why TF everyone is so into crystals and whether they’re betchy or not.

Plenty of betchy celebrities are into crystals including Adele, Victoria Beckham, Katy Perry (ehh), and Miranda Kerr. I mean, if we were winning dozens of Grammys we’d probably be cool saying rocks contain magic too. Maybe Bey would have gotten the credit she deserved if only she had washed her aventurine with the salt water tears of her enemies. But at the same time, Spencer Pratt and Anne Hathaway also swear by crystals. So like, it’s kind of a zero sum game.

We used to think crystals were for the goth freaks who hung out in the back building and had way too many facial piercings for a 14-year-old, but if you live in LA then you’ve been to Cafe Gratitude and know that good vibes are like currency here. And now I will go shoot myself for writing the most obnoxious sentence of all time. Anyway, Cafe Gratitude is like a haute couture version of Whole Foods. For one thing, crystals are expensive, which makes them inherently betchy. I mean, you can drive to Joshua Tree and literally pick up a rock for free, but if you want to buy a smaller version of that rock on a silver chain from a “healer”, it’ll cost you $50. And you can’t just buy one crystal, so you end up spending hundreds just to line up your chakras to the moon or whatever.

There are crystals for everything from career to love to blocking negative energy. That kind of just sounds like drugs, TBH. Or drinking. Some of us drink when we’re “feeling off” and some of us buy little rocks and put them in their bras for good luck. And then some of us buy crystals. Usually the types of girls who care too much about expensive rocks are the kind who are super thirsty to get married, and that’s not very betchy. Though we’re sure there’s some connection with girls that like crystals. They def care more about their engagement ring than the man who gave it to them. I mean, both are expensive rocks that mean something to some people and mean literally nothing to everyone else. But believing in magic because the world is going well for you means you’re probably living a #blessed life and that is kind of betchy too.

Because let’s be real. If you believe in crystals, chances are shit was going great for you anyway. There’s a reason you never see anyone working at McDonald’s wearing quartz or opal. Wearing pretty jewelry to protect your soul from bad spirits is basically a plot out of a Disney princess story, and there’s nothing betchier than needing to be protected because you’re a princess.

On the other hand, we’ve learned from dating shady bros that you never want to get too into something. Caring too much is never betchy, and girls who get too into crystals are like, embarrassing. If you’re washing your crystals under every full moon and laying them out at every first Tinder date you go on, you’re like trying way too hard. Or you’re probably ugly or fat. Either way, it’s not a good look.

So in conclusion, we can get on board with a few mindful meditations that revolve around shiny stones, but only until we get bored and move on to the next expensive trend we don’t need. Basically, you can get into crystals and still be betchy the way a hot girl can be crazy and still be hot. Like, it’s definitely not a part of your character anyone likes, but they’ll put up with it because you’re hot.