No Places To Go, No People To See: Weekend Horoscopes March 5-7

Well, here we are in March again. Pop quiz: did it ever really STOP being March? Experts say no, it f*cking did not, and my wardrobe, unused makeup, incredible savings on gas, and mask-acne offer a lot of evidence to support that conclusion. But after these 12 dark months of March, it seems like there’s finally a slight, dim light at the end of the tunnel. It could be a train, but let’s think optimistically. Are the stars as optimistic about your upcoming weekend? Let’s find out.

Pisces

Take a long, hard look at your current job situation, Pisces. Is this where you see yourself in ten years? Are you happy? Are you consistently frustrated at your boss’s passive aggressive jabs? The moon and a few of its planetary buddies are lining up this weekend to provide you with new opportunities, so we’d suggest updating your resume, taking that weird pic off LinkedIn, and applying for some new sh*t. After all that professional nonsense, make time to snuggle with your besties on Sunday.

Aries

GTFO of the house this weekend, Aries. The moon will be filling your head with visions of adventure, so call out of work on Friday and book a few nights’ stay at an Airbnb somewhere close, but not too close. Getting away from your surroundings for a few days will do wonders for your mental health, and, like maybe your skin, too.

Taurus

Venus is giving you a rough start to the weekend, so don’t be surprised if you get into a fight with a friend. Instead of picking at it, walk away and leave each other alone until you don’t feel like you’re on an emotional rampage. The rest of the weekend should be smooth sailing, so make a point to schedule a date night (finally) with your S.O., or just order takeout and watch a murder mystery.

Gemini

Get ready for a f*cking great weekend, Gemini. The planets have decided to cut you some slack, so you can look forward to feeling happy, optimistic, and ready for whatever comes your way. On Friday, focus on your S.O. and spoil them a little. Order their fav food, wear the sweats they find the cutest, and let them watch something other than reruns of Real Housewives. Saturday and Sunday are all about intimacy, so continue pouring effort into your relationship and reaping the sweet, sexy rewards.

Cancer

It’s shaping up to be a nice lil weekend, Cancer. On Friday and Saturday, focus on you and your own mental health. You’ve been helping everyone around you lately, and it’s time for some R&R in the form of treating yourself. Saturday night and Sunday, once you’re feeling refreshed, is for focusing on and spending time with your S.O. You can look forward to zero stupid fights this weekend, and lots of cuddling.

Leo

Passion and creativity start out the weekend, Leo, so if you’ve been dying to tackle a DIY project that truly #inspired you from Instagram, I guess now’s the time to start it (then call your dad to finish it). Saturday evening and Sunday will shine a light on your health and wellbeing, so maybe it’s time to actually use that gym membership if you feel like it would a) get you out of the house and b) help you feel better about yourself.

Virgo

You’re like, full of ideas this weekend, Virgo. If you’ve needed some inspo at work, have been searching for recipes to experiment with, or needed the push to start your autobiography, then keep a notepad close by all day Saturday since the “ah-ha” moment is sure to strike. You’ll also want to focus on family this weekend, so plan on a trip to see mom and dad if you’re able to safely.

Libra

In typical Libra fashion, you’re all about being a social butterfly this weekend. Connect with friends and make plans to head out for lunch, dinner, brunch, or some sort of booze-filled combo of all three. While you’re nursing your hangover on Sunday, your attention will turn to your nest and favorite people, so try not to take it out on them that you went too hard the day before.

Scorpio

What means the most to you, Scorpio? Is it stuff? Is it people? Is it your environment? Do a little soul-searching this weekend and figure out where your values lie. While you’re wondering about existential sh*t, you may feel the pull to spend a sh*tload of money. Try and like, don’t. Instead, use the moon’s energy on Saturday night to connect with your S.O. and live vicariously through a House Hunters marathon.

Sagittarius

You’re feeeeeeeling yourself this weekend, Sagittarius, so make plans to get out and share your joy with others. Make an effort for real plans with your coworkers if you’re sick of your actual friends (it happens). Grab that beer and talk sh*t about whatshisname or how spreadsheets are the worst. It’ll be fun. The rest of the weekend throws your finances into focus, so be an adult and get your tax info together before you dad yells at you again.

Capricorn

Pay attention to one of your dreams this weekend, Capricorn. If nothing else, it means that sleeping in and telling your friends you can’t go out because the universe has messages for you is a totally acceptable way to cancel plans. The moon is also sending high self-esteem vibes, so don’t be surprised if you suddenly have the urge to get headshots done so you can admire yourself.

Aquarius

Friendship and being nice are on deck this weekend, Aquarius. Combine the two and go out for brunch and don’t drunkenly hit on the waiter! Or, do something even better, like volunteering with friends at an animal shelter where you can walk a bunch of lonely puppies. You’ll also want to pay attention to your dreams this weekend, so keep your Notes app open next to your bed so you can write about all the weird sh*t that goes on in your head at night.

Images: Giphy (12)

Happy F*cking Holidays: Weekend Horoscopes Dec. 25-27

Merry f*cking Christmas, fam. We’re literally so close to 2021, we can taste it. But we won’t, because 2020 has taught us never to trust again. As we watch 2020 lose consciousness and fade from view, we look forward to a year where, hopefully, masks don’t have to be part of our daily attire, hugging is chill again, and we can go back to cancelling plans and not feeling like that was our last chance at leaving the house for the month. Anyway, here’s what the planets have in store this weekend.

Capricorn

tears of joy

Joy to you and those around you, Capricorn. You’re in for a weekend full of no work, lots of play, and good vibes all around. Share your inner child with those close to you by making fun crafts, exploring your cookie decorating skills, or just watching Home Alone in footie pajamas.

Aquarius

The Office

The moon wants you to focus on your family and your nest this weekend, Aquarius. Not a huge surprise considering it’s Christmas, but we don’t make the rules. Saturn on Saturday also wants you to express love, so maybe it’s a good weekend to surprise your S.O. with that lingerie you’ve been too nervous to wear. Sunday is for getting creative, so like, go knit or call up your sister’s kids and offer to do a glitter project with them—outside.

Pisces

It’s all about communication this weekend, Pisces. Use the holiday as an excuse to call up cousins, siblings, and besties you’ve kind of fallen out of touch with, because like, 2020. Use Saturday night and Sunday to tidy up before the start of 2021 and reorganize your nest. After all that, relax, put your feet up, and binge something funny (as in, not murder mysteries—sorry).

Aries

Reconnect with the people you’ve ditched plans with in 2020, Aries. This weekend and the upcoming end of the year means you get a chance to fix all the dumb sh*t you’ve done in that last 300-some-odd days. Grab a drink with a friend, call your mom, or have dinner with your partner sans phones. Remember, too, to spread the love to those who may not have family and friends close by for the holidays. Call them—no, texting doesn’t count—because they’ll def appreciate it.

Taurus

You’re so centered this weekend, Taurus. It’s a good place to be considering the chaos that is holiday time. On Saturday, Neptune is pushing you to love others, so make time for your mom, dad, siblings, and besties even if they’ve gotten on your last nerve lately. You’ll be feeling amazingly charming and quick-witted on Sunday, so make sure your S.O. is around to appreciate how f*cking funny you are.

Gemini

Be nice this weekend, Gemini. The stars want you to lend a helping hand to those that may be struggling this time of year, so donate some clothes, call your grandma, and/or post something nice on social media. You may feel the need to say something nasty or controversial to a friend or family member on Sunday, but try to bite your tongue, at least until the holidays are over. Then you can post passive-aggressive sh*t in your Insta stories.

Cancer

Sleep late, Cancer, because your dreams this weekend are gonna be on point. After you wake up refreshed af, you’ll be in the mood to spread good cheer, love, and happiness to everyone around you. Have a small holiday gathering with your parents if you can do so safely; call your brother and make him talk to you about wtf he’s doing lately; tell your boss you think they’re, uh, great.

Leo

Organization is the focus for you this weekend, Leo. Spark joy by wrapping gifts and perfectly stacking them under the tree, or taking all your clothes and shoes out of the closet—organizing by color and designer—then putting them back in. Once you’ve reached your peak inner Marie Kondo, turn your attention to holiday sh*t and go call your relatives for a nice Zoom Festivus (or whatever) dinner.

Virgo

Indulge your curiosities about other cultures this weekend, Virgo. It’s a great time to experience the whole out-of-the-box Christmas since you probably aren’t seeing relatives (ya know, cause of the pandemic and all). Order in a cuisine you don’t have every other day, or, better yet, learn to cook something new. On Sunday, prep for 2021 by retiring some of the loungewear you’ve worn for weeks at a time.

Libra

You may feel like hibernating this weekend, Libra, but try to fight the urge to turn inward and, instead, soak up the presence of those around you. Go for a walk with a friend or family member, cook something with your S.O. without arguing over which kind of butter to use, or just quietly soak up your mom’s awesomeness while you watch reruns of Great British Baking Show. You’ll be feeling more like yourself come Sunday, so take a drive somewhere interesting for the day.

Scorpio

Passion and snuggles are in your future, Scorpio. Enjoy a quiet Christmas at home with your partner. Start a new tradition, like spiking hot chocolate and having a pillow fight that definitely turns into sex. Or just watch It’s A Wonderful Life and then speak in weird 1940s accents to each other for the rest of the day. Or just make pancakes together and burn the pancakes and have sex.

Sagittarius

Self-care should be top of mind this weekend, Sagittarius. We don’t mean depriving yourself completely of Christmas cookies. We mean checking in with yourself: stopping the doom-scrolling, lighting some candles, and turning off the negative self talk. Sunday is all about partnership, so spend some time with those closest to you and say “adios, f*cker” to 2020 together.

Images: freestocks / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Hello Anxiety, My Old Friend: Weekend Horoscopes December 4-6

Everyone comfortably sitting in their sweats? I mean, we’ve been sitting in sweats since March, so Thanksgiving really was just the perfect opportunity to accept that this is who we are now and embrace the overeating, makeup-free, grunge version of our 2020 selves. The stars are all about embracing the #mood so get ready for some cozy, sweatpants-friendly horoscopes.

Sagittarius

Try something new this weekend, Sagittarius. No, that doesn’t mean you have to finally try butt stuff (unless, like, you want to). It could be as simple as attempting an intimidating recipe, or trying the whole being nice before caffeine thing. Speaking of being nice, the stars are aligning to focus on your career this weekend, too. It may be time to change your attitude at work if you’re going to get that giant raise you’ve been after. Just saying.

Capricorn

The stars are aligned for deep connection this weekend, Capricorn. So if you’ve been meaning to plan a quickie weekend getaway with your S.O., have a great conversation about your wants and needs, or are single and looking for something more than a hookup, this could be your opportunity. It’s also a great weekend to connect with yourself. If you’ve been trying and failing to treat yourself to lying around, or going for a run, or eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers (honestly, whatever sparks joy), this is your f*cking moment.

Aquarius

It’s all about relationships this weekend, Aquarius, so swipe until your fingers fall off if you’re single. If you’re paired up, use Saturday to do something physical with your S.O. that isn’t necessarily bedroom-related. Bake or cook together, go for a hike, or do a puzzle that’ll piss your partner off. Communication is the name of the game on Sunday, so take time to talk about important sh*t with people you love.

Pisces

Take better care of yourself, Pisces. Honestly, with a pandemic raging, winter setting in, and general nastiness going around, it’s a good time to buy some tea, take a hot bath, go for a run, and eat your vitamins. After all that self-care, you’ll be irresistible on Sunday, so make a plan to coerce your S.O. into buying you takeout by batting your eyelashes or wearing your best leggings.

Aries

Dates ahoy, Aries. The moon is making moves to lay out a perfect setting for a romantic evening either Friday or Saturday, so grab your mate or find someone not likely to end up being f*cking weird and head out for a socially distanced dinner. Bonus points if it’s outdoors and in one of those COVID-free igloos. Sunday will be less chill, with the likelihood of a clash with someone close on the horizon. Just try to take a breath and not say anything you’ll regret later.

Taurus

It’s all about your home, your family, and your nest this weekend, Taurus. Seems odd, considering you just got done with Thanksgiving, but we aren’t in a spot to question the stars. Plan to do something like water and fertilize all of your houseplants (or buy a bunch more), deep clean and steam your kitchen, or paint a random wall that you may hate later. Once you expend all that nesting energy, call your mom and let her talk at you for 20-30 minutes. She lives for it.

Gemini

Schedule all your meetings for Friday afternoon, Gemini, ’cause the planets want you to communicate. Did we all laugh together? Anyway, career aside, Friday is actually good for talking and communicating, so instead of using it to work into the weekend, maybe it’s a good opportunity to call your bestie, talk to your S.O. about that thing he does that pisses you off, or call your brother and get the lowdown on his new gf. Saturday and Sunday your attention turns to your nest, so maybe it’s time to finally vacuum under and behind the furniture.

Cancer

Hooray for money, Cancer. You may have felt a little anxious in regards to your bank account, what with all the holiday shopping you’ve been doing for people you love (and totally not yourself). It’s a good weekend to get a handle on your finances, so create a budget or just hide your credit card if you can’t control your impulses.

Leo

It’s all about your self-esteem this weekend, Leo. Do whatever you need to do to feel good as hell, be it a two-hour massage, face masks, or drinking that bottle of rosé you’ve been saving for a special occasion. You are a special occasion, bitch. Once your self-confidence is back, do something good for your body, like heading out for a walk or finally giving in and doing yoga with your coworkers.

Virgo

Sleep and taking care of yourself are top of mind this weekend, Virgo. After a sh*tty and stressful week at work, come home and put your feet up on Friday. Pass out early and enjoy the weird dreams courtesy of the Leo moon. Saturday and Sunday, aside from sleeping in, put the focus on communicating kindly with yourself. Take a hike alone (in an area where you won’t get lost or murdered) and reflect on what would make you happy. Bonus points if it’s an answer deeper than “mimosas and brunch”.

Libra

Holy sh*t, see your friends this weekend, Libra. Although we’re still definitely in a pandemic, there’s no excuse for not having a multi-way FaceTime brunch with your besties on Saturday morning. If you can get together with one or two people outdoors while social distancing, even better.

Scorpio

Time to examine how much you love/hate your boss, Scorpio. If you’re getting to the point of truly being unhappy at work, then it’s time to dust off your resume, update your portfolio, and throw some jobs in the SAVED folder on Indeed. If you’re not in a position to jump ship ATM, use the weekend to do everything except whatever pertains to your 9 to 5. Get outside, watch TV mindlessly, read a book, or head to a winery.

Images: Giphy (12)

Kiss Summer Goodbye: Weekend Horoscopes September 4-6

Holy sh*t, it’s September, or, in quarantine-speak, March 398749836th. If you haven’t been paying attention to the news or have successfully sequestered yourself so much that you legit don’t know what day it is, COVID-19 is still rampant, America is still racist af, Europe is handling literally everything better, and there’s an election for the very soul of our nation in about two months.

Maybe the stars can help guide us? I mean, it is Labor Day weekend, the unofficial start of fall and Basic Bitch Season. It’s the least they can do.

Virgo

Kick the unofficial end of summer off right with some r&r. Mercury is saying BYE BITCH to Virgo on Saturday, so you may feel extra moody, but we recommend sleeping through it and doing some of your fav activities to make yourself feel better. Sunday is perf for a tiny hike or stroll near the water, so make sure to schedule some time for that. What else are you doing?

Libra

It’s all about you this weekend, Libra. Lean into all things communication and being a part of the world by enjoying the outdoors with a friend or two plus your S.O. Nature may help you say things you have on your mind but haven’t found a good way to express in awhile. Like, how your friend not sending you memes during the workday is hurting your friendship, or how your S.O. pretends he doesn’t know where the Tupperware goes when he empties the dishwasher and it’s getting old.

Scorpio

Pay attention to your health this weekend, Scorpio. You’ve been kinda neglecting it since quarantine started, which we respect. But, maybe it’s time to go ahead and head outdoors for a walk, or to have a lunch that doesn’t consist purely of Cheetos (even if you mix it up with a few varieties of Cheeto). The time spent exercising or not eating garbage will also give you clarity on your career on Saturday night and into Sunday. Figure out if you’re like, actually happy. If not, it may be time to start exploring a change.

Sagittarius

It’s uh, not gonna be a chill weekend on the romantic front, Sagittarius. Expect any arguments that were simmering below the surface to come to a head on Saturday. It honestly may be a good thing, considering you’ve wanted to get some sh*t off your chest for awhile now. Sunday will offer a bit of calm, so focus on yourself, what makes you happy, and THEN you can think about how other people may be affected. It’s called being an adult, duh.

Capricorn

Move forward calmly this weekend, Capricorn. Saturday is perfect for snuggling in at home, tackling a short and easy project (i.e. not trying to redo plumbing, hang shiplap, or read work emails) like finishing a book, trying a new cooking technique (are we still baking banana bread, guys?), or finally washing the sheets on your bed (ew). Use Sunday to tackle a more work-oriented endeavor, even if it’s a project your boss hasn’t officially asked for yet.

Aquarius

It’s all about relationships this weekend, Aquarius. Whether you haven’t talked to your dad in a while, or need to meet up with a sibling for brunch, or just need to sleep in Saturday with your S.O., use Saturday to focus on the most important people in your life. Even though being selfish is kinda fun, this weekend needs to be dedicated to the people who help keep you on track. So, no, it isn’t a good weekend to book your five-hour hair coloring appointment. Your roots aren’t that bad yet; it can wait.

Pisces

Use your voice this weekend, Pisces. With all the easily accessible activism going on in the world, it’s a great opportunity to use your power for a great cause. Go out to a protest, volunteer at a non-profit that could use the help right now, or find organizations registering people to vote and get them up to speed.

Aries

Try not to be so impulsive this weekend, Aries. The planets are aligning on Friday night and Saturday to make sh*t like blowing money online, doing non-social distanced activities, and saying things you shouldn’t top of mind. Ignore the urge and think through your actions. By Saturday night and Sunday, you’ll feel more centered and able to actually think through that $400 silk dress purchase you were about to confirm. Spoiler alert: it was never a good idea and it won’t work on you anyway.

Taurus

It’s cool if you feel like your head’s about to explode this weekend, Taurus. It’s totally just the planets f*cking with you. Doing something creative may take the pressure off a bit, so throw yourself into something artsy, like rearranging flowers or making a picture with glitter and dried macaroni. Get ready Sunday to feel antsy. We suggest moving furniture around to freshen things up… or just to piss yourself off when you have to move it all back.

Gemini

Meet up with some friends to liven up the long weekend, Gemini. Book a brewery patio and catch up on drinking too much, gossip, and eating crappy fried food. It’s the only way to pay tribute to the unofficial end of summer and to guarantee your jeans won’t fit you at the end of the day. Being outdoors in general will boost your mood on Sunday, too, so keep things on point with a morning jog… or just have a mimosa on your balcony.

Cancer

The planets may have you feeling all doom and gloom this weekend, Cancer. Don’t give in to that sh*t. Instead, boost your confidence and mood by tackling a project you know you can accomplish, like making your favorite dinner from scratch, answering two work emails without being an asshole, or not chugging an entire bottle of wine in one sitting.

Leo

Get ready to feeeeel yourself, Leo. This weekend, the planets and stars will align to help you see how hot, smart, and accomplished you are. You’ll be feeling confident af all weekend. Use your good mood on Saturday to do something you love with someone you love. Head out on a short road trip somewhere beautiful for a picnic or some sexy time outdoors. Sunday is for sleeping in, cancelling plans, and sitting in a bathtub with wine for longer than you should.

Images: Giphy (12)

Planets Have Feelings Too: Weekend Horoscopes August 7-9

The summer of COVID continues. What does everyone have next on their sheets for 2020 Bingo? Looks like Chinese killer seeds are in the lead, but Bachelorette shakeup is pulling to the front, too! Gosh, this is the year that just keeps on giving.

Speaking of giving, the stars and planets have some *feelings* this weekend. Whether it’s copious amounts of energy or emotional rollercoasters, everyone’s in for a super duper August and Leo-tastic Saturday and Sunday. Shall we?

Leo

Treat yourself, Leo. If you can hang out in the outside world safely, do that all weekend. After work on Friday, pour yourself a glass of whatever makes you happiest and sit outdoors (without your phone). Saturday is for trying new things, so maybe explore that whole hiking fad, or watch a Peloton video (and maybe attempt to do the workout, too). Whatever, just do sh*t that’s gonna make you happy.

Virgo

It’s all about connection this weekend, Virgo. You’ll be all about indulging in some sexy time, so go ahead and get weird with your S.O. on Friday night. If you’re single, Mercury and Leo are teaming up so you can build on new relationships, so say yes to that date—even if it is via FaceTime. Communication promises to flow easily, thank god.

Libra

Passion is the name of the game this weekend, Libra. It could go super well, with deep connection, intimacy, and a #lit Friday night. It could also lead to giant screaming matches, so, there’s that. Either way, just go with the flow and don’t try to force things. If you get pissed, walk away and take some time for yourself. By Sunday you’ll be feeling a lot more even.

Scorpio

Time to examine your lifestyle and habits, Scorpio. If you’ve been looking for a sign to start an exercise routine, rehab your skin care, or take up meditation, it’s your f*cking moment. If you just can’t wrap your head around another self-help project, then at least use Saturday to go for a long walk or a make meal that’s semi-healthy. It’ll make you feel better, promise.

Sagittarius

You’re a barrel of laughs and a ball of sunshine this weekend, Sagittarius. Get creative and color a picture or jump in a puddle or binge something interesting on Netflix. Use Saturday to tend to your nest in a way that makes you excited. Like, order a new rug or vacuum under the couch. That always makes me excited.

Capricorn

Hooray for anxiety, Capricorn. You may find yourself tossing and turning, dreaming about weird sh*t, and on the verge of a panic attack. We recommend trashy TV, a glass of wine, and a call with mom (or a bestie). Take some deep breaths. Get outdoors on Saturday and order takeout from your fav local joint while avoiding the news.

Aquarius

The stars want you to travel this weekend, Aquarius, so if you can do so responsibly, hop in your car with your S.O. and head somewhere remote for a picnic on Saturday. Sunday is for relaxing, staying off of your work email, and examining your budget. Maybe with a little discipline (like, not shopping every Free People sale) you can upgrade your apartment or buy a new car or some fancy new loungewear.

Pisces

Check on your finances this weekend, Pisces. You’ll be tempted to treat yourself and spend, but it’s better to indulge in experiences (the cheap kind) Saturday and Sunday. Go for a jog with a friend, watch a new documentary, or just sleep in. It’s not like you can safely get a mani-pedi-massage these days anyway.

Aries

The glass is half full, the glass is half empty, the glass is going to f*cking explode this weekend, Aries. You’re gonna have, like, a lot of energy, so as soon as work lets out on Friday go for a run, hike a mile (or six) uphill, or have a marathon phone chat with your mom. Saturday the energy continues, so head outdoors if the weather allows and enjoy laying in the sunshine. Try to chill out by Sunday, though, or else you’ll never be able to work on Monday.

Taurus

Listen to your gut, Taurus. Sometimes it tells you that, yes, you need that extra slice of pizza, but this weekend your gut will have more important sh*t to say. Use Saturday to lay around and nap. If you see any friends (while social distancing), get their take on your current relationship issues. They may have a perspective you haven’t thought about before.

Gemini

Step outside your comfort zone this weekend, Gemini. You may have settled in to your quarantine routine (quaranroutine?), but use Saturday to explore outdoor and volunteer options to shake things up a bit. Maybe there’s a doggo that needs a friend at the shelter? Sounds like a cuddly plan. Sunday is for wine and friends, so whether you social distance at an outdoor spot or video chat while re-watching Bachelorette episodes, make time for your betches.

Cancer

Take some time for yourself, Cancer. You’re going to feel emotional and like a big pile of pissy PMS, so warn your friends and fam. Ply yourself with coffee, red wine, and whatever takeout makes your feel warm and fuzzy. Some time outside of the house may do you some good, too, so pop open a beach chair on your patio and sit outside in your sweats.

Images: Giphy (12)

Time To Go Deep: Weekly Horoscopes July 20-24

Mercury retrograde is officially over and it’s time to go deep with a new moon in Cancer. This watery, emotional energy is affecting everyone differently this week, but there’s one thing we can all count on: unexpectedly crying about an episode of a show you’ve seen one hundred times before. Sometimes the “Dinner Party” episode of The Office just hits different. You’ve been warned.

Aries

This Cancer new moon is shining a lunar light on your home life and finding it shady as f*ck. This week, issues on the home front come to the surface and basically demand to be dealt with. Whether it be a roommate who thinks doing the dishes means lightly splashing them with water or a neighbor who has taken up drumming in quarantine, it’s time to face the issue head-on. It might be awkward in the moment, but you’ll be happier when you’re eating off a clean dish in a quiet bedroom. We promise.

Taurus

Did some misconceptions arise in your life when Mercury was in retrograde? Yeah, that’s what we thought. The Cancer new moon is the perfect time to get back to expressing yourself properly (i.e. not via shady Insta story) and get your communication skills back on track. Quarantine has been hard on everyone, and people are generally forgiving rn so don’t be afraid to message a few coworkers to say “sorry I lost my sh*t on Zoom last week.” They’ll appreciate it, and you’ll feel better.

Gemini

The new moon in Cancer is electrifying your house of work and finances, meaning that now is the perfect time for a fresh start in your career. I mean, 99.9% of all careers are in complete chaos right now, so why not throw out the script and try something new? Your intuition will serve you well here, so don’t resist the urge to change up your priorities. It’s probably right.

Cancer

The new moon is in your sign, Cancer, which can mean a new mission, if you choose to accept it. Keep an eye out for unusual or out-of-the-box opportunities that may present themselves this week, and definitely don’t tune out the voice in the back of your head pushing you to try new things. Unless it tells you to start a podcast. We’re good on those, actually.

Leo

The new moon in Cancer has you going deep, Leo, making this the perfect time to release some sh*t that is holding you back. Moving on is the name of the game this week, whether it be from a sh*tty job, a sh*tty friend, or a sh*tty ex. Basically, anything sh*tty that is keeping you from doing you has got to go. We’ve got enough to deal with with a global pandemic. No need to have a f*ckboy in the equation too.

Virgo

You usually prefer to fly solo (mostly because people can’t get on your level), but this week the new moon in Cancer has you feeling the collaborative vibes. And sure, “collaboration” has taken on a whole new meaning in 2020, but that doesn’t mean the art of teamwork is dead. This week, don’t shy away from asking for help on a project, or reaching out to someone you’ve always wanted to work with. They could end up being the Gayle to your Oprah (bc let’s face it…you’re obviously Oprah.)

Libra

You’re making money moves this week, Libra, unemployment crisis be damned! This is a great week for making decisions regarding your financial future, and for laying the ground work to your success. Allow your ambition to take the wheel this week and follow where it leads you. It could lay the groundwork to your future life as a billionaire mogul.

Scorpio

Your desire for a 2020 summer vacation will come roaring back this week, Scorpio, whether that is actually possible or not. God damn you, inner travel influencer! If a small local getaway is safely possible, pack a bag and get thee to a socially distant beachfront location. If it’s not (aka you live in any major American city), lean into the staycation lifestyle by taking a day off. Did you know you’re allowed to take a vacation day even if the “vacation” is day drinking margaritas in your living room? If you close your eyes, it’s almost like your trip to Ibiza wasn’t canceled. Almost.

Sagittarius

Summer 2020 has been intense for everyone, but no one so much as Sagittarius. You thrive on the fun-loving, fast-traveling, hot, hot, heat of summer so without that…yeah. You’re struggling. This week, Cancer lights up your eighth house of intimacy, meaning that your great summer adventure might finally present itself in the form of a relationship. Don’t ignore the people who pop into your life this week. They could be just the vacation you were looking for.

Capricorn

Pay attention to your ride or dies this week, Capricorn. With the new moon in your house of relationships, the people who show up for you now are the ones deserving of your time and energy. All the rest is just noise. And if that noise can’t even text back in a timely manner? It’s definitely time to delete and move on.

Aquarius

Some me time is in order, Aquarius. You’ve been holding down the fort for everyone in your life, but it’s time to give yourself a little TLC. The Cancer new moon is heightening your need for self-care, including but not limited to: long baths, decadent dinners, DIY face masks, and refusing to answer Rachel’s one hundredth text about how the pandemic is ruining her ability to tan and she doesn’t feel like herself when she’s not tan. You deserve the you time, and Rachel will be fine. Pale, but fine.

Pisces

Lights, camera, Pisces! This week the spotlight is all on you as the Cancer new moon chills in your glam fifth house. Sure, this could bring a little bit of an “all dressed up with nowhere to go” feeling, but hey, that’s what Instagram is for. Feel free to show off your glowing skin and good hair days with abandon on the ‘gram. If people really hate it they can mute you (just like you did to them.)

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Put Down The Credit Card: Weekend Horoscopes May 15-17

Get ready for the second wave of ‘rona, you guys. With several states throwing open their doors, tossing guidelines to the wind, and allowing people wearing Ford hats and American flag t-shirts, and driving large trucks to “GET BACK TO WORK” and embrace their God-given freedom, we can all expect quarantine Part 2 in our near future.

Whether you’re part of the group heading out to crowded shopping malls or the group choosing to stay in and be socially responsible, the stars and planets are still f*cking with us.

Taurus

Oh, what you wouldn’t give for drunk brunch with friends, Taurus. Hopefully, bottomless mimosas, midday blackouts, and eggs Benedict will be back soon. In the meantime, dedicate Saturday to catching up with besties and lending an ear if they’re on the struggle bus in terms of feeling isolated. On Sunday, look but don’t buy when it comes to online shopping. You don’t need three pairs of linen pants to lounge around the house in.

Gemini

The moon in Pisces is reminding you to watch your words, Gemini. You’re going to be on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster this weekend, so try not to jump down anyone’s throat if they ask how social distancing is going for you. Use Saturday to get away from people (like, even more than normal) and write down your feelings. Sh*t, you could even draw pictures if you want. Sunday will have you feeling a bit like your old self, so call your mom and make her tell you how great you are.

Cancer

Nature calls, Cancer. Since a great big adventure to some adorable seaside town or mountain escape isn’t like, that feasible yet, try to make plans to hike somewhere interesting and even a bit isolated on Saturday. Not into walking or physical activity? Take your car out for the first time in weeks and drive somewhere remote so you can actually leave your apartment.

Leo

Time for a sexy weekend, Leo. The moon is inviting you to, in the words of Missy Elliot, get your freak on, so don’t miss an opportunity to get weird on Saturday, either alone or with a special someone. Plan a date night of sorts. Get some interesting takeout, light a candle, and watch something steamy that your S.O. won’t completely hate. On Sunday, the intimacy and sexiness spills into the more romantic side, so take time to cuddle, talk, and be mentally intimate with your partner.

Virgo

Passion and sexy time, yes. Passionate arguments about who last emptied the dishwasher, no. If you can use the planets’ push to channel intimacy instead of fights about nothing this weekend, you’ll have a great time, Virgo. On Saturday, use your intuition when it comes to romance, especially if you’re chatting with someone fairly new. But even tried-and-true relationships deserve a closer look. You may identify some sh*t that isn’t cool and could definitely translate as a red flag. Listening is important.

Libra

Are you stressed 24/7, Libra? Use this weekend to examine how your feelings are affecting your physical health. If your stress level has spilled over into a lack of sleep, it’s a good time to identify why and how to fix it. Saturday is for journaling, zoning out with a dumb TV show, and eating comforting but healthy meals. On Sunday, download a yoga app and try your hand at guided relaxation.

Scorpio

The moon is all, “hey, let’s do sexy times”, Scorpio. Be careful, though. On Saturday, you’ll be ready to attack (in a sexy way) literally anything and anyone you see thanks to Mars and Neptune, and even people with giant red flags will seem like a good idea at the time. Sometimes, it’s best to just stay home with your vibrator—know what we mean? If you’re already paired up, enjoy a steamy weekend with your S.O., but be sure to give voice to your wants and needs, too.

Sagittarius

We hereby dedicate this weekend to domesticity, Sagittarius. If there was ever a time to bake banana bread, try your hand at sourdough, or burn cookies, this is it. Use Saturday to jump into the culinary arts and destroy your kitchen. Sunday is for the other domestic sh*t, like dusting, vacuuming, and cleaning out your closet. Those pants from high school aren’t going to fit again—it’s time to put them into the donation box, fam.

Capricorn

Get your learning on this weekend, Capricorn. Sure, schools aren’t in session, and you can’t really go to any public class to pick up a skill. But you can FaceTime grandma and learn how to make Sunday gravy. You can also call mom and learn how to use psychology to make your S.O. take the trash out and do the dishes. You’ll feel the need for an artistic outlet on Sunday, so pull up some Bob Ross vids on YouTube and learn how to paint happy little clouds.

Aquarius

Time to get up close and personal with your money, Aquarius. You’ve had a stellar time shopping online during quarantine, but Mars and the moon this weekend will make financial decisions risky. So, no, maybe don’t treat yourself to three of the 30 deals in your inbox on Saturday morning. You have enough loungewear. If you’re dying to spend, order a nice dinner for yourself on Sunday night as a reward for not blowing your paycheck on stupid sh*t.

Pisces

You’re feeling all over the place this weekend, Pisces. Use Saturday to commune with nature to quiet your mind, re-center yourself, and ignore your f*cking work emails. On Sunday, continue the path of turning everyone off and try to go all day without seeing or talking to anyone. It’ll give you a much-needed emotional break after a week of helping people—even when it left you feeling drained.

Aries

Holy hostility, Aries. You’ll be feeling raw and emotional after work on Friday, so make yourself a margarita and unplug. Use Saturday to catch up on 90 Day Fiancé and call your parents because, well, they miss you. Then, take a 12-hour nap straight into bedtime and, like, pay attention to your dreams since they’ll be kind of off the wall.

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Embrace The Sweatpants: Weekend Horoscopes May 8-10

Did you forget it was Mother’s Day this coming Sunday? Well, your mom didn’t, so try to send some flowers or make her a picture with dried pasta and glitter. You’re in quarantine, so what excuse do you have? You don’t. Assuming you drank on Cinco de Mayo, your week probably hasn’t been all bad. Lucky for you, the stars and planets are gearing up for a not-awful weekend, too, for most of you, anyway.

Taurus

The moon in Sagittarius on Saturday means it’s best to embrace some f*cking lazy vibes. Lay around, read a book, stare at your phone, or eat an entire sleeve of Oreos. It’s whatever. That sh*t will flip come Sunday, when you’ll feel the need to accomplish a whole host of tasks. So go ahead and roast a whole chicken for dinner, clean out your closet, and vacuum.

Gemini

Try to pay attention to how much you’ve been bending over backwards trying to please others, Gemini. You tend to put yourself second in relationships because you’re afraid of rocking the boat. This weekend, try to be cognizant of that and put yourself first with picking the takeout, telling your S.O. that, yes, it does bother you when he leaves his socks on the floor, and straight-up telling your boss that Zoom is cramping your quarantine lifestyle.

Cancer

Reflect on how you do you, Cancer. Saturday is a great time to get away and do something you truly enjoy, like taking a walk or ordering Taco Bell and eating it alone in your car like a maniac. Seriously think about what makes you happy. Sunday is all about taking action, so do something that’s been on your to-do list forever, like attempting watercolor painting or starting a new Netflix series.

Leo

The Sagittarius moon wants you to, like, have fun, Leo. That’s funny in and of itself, given the current situation, but if you’re determined to live your life by the planets and sh*t, we recommend a Friday night game of whatever game you can play on Zoom or Google Hangouts. Saturday and Sunday are for being creative, so we’d recommend playing Chopped with your roommate and/or S.O. and seeing what kind of gross sh*t you guys can create from the stuff in your fridge.

Virgo

You’re going to crave some family time both Friday and Saturday, Virgo, so don’t be afraid to dial up your siblings, mom, and dad and have a virtual happy hour or some sh*t. It’s also a great time to organize, since the planets will be highlighting all of your most anal tendencies. Organize your spice cabinet or sort through your dishes. Literally, do all the things I imagine Marie Kondo does in her spare time.

Libra

It’s all about communication and learning for you this weekend, Libra. Friday after work is a great opportunity to have a nice one-on-one heartfelt convo with your S.O. or bestie about how they’re doing in quarantine. These are stressful times, and lending a listening ear is more helpful than you’ll realize. Saturday and Sunday are best spent scrolling through Instagram for sales on loungewear. Judging by the amount of people going out and protesting because they can’t get their mullets cut and are missing free appetizers at TGI Friday’s, we’re going to have a pretty serious second wave of the virus.

Scorpio

Time for a Netflix watch party, Scorpio. If you haven’t seen your tribe in a while, set up a virtual happy hour for Friday night where you can all drink and watch something stupid like Too Hot To Handle or KUWTK season 1. Use Saturday as a chance to learn a new skill, like how to make 10 classic drinks perfectly and, therefore, making you a valuable asset in the future world. Sunday is for laying around, so embrace the sweatpants.

Sagittarius

Examine your finances, Sagittarius. We get that you feel like a hero for helping out all these local restaurants with your constant takeout orders, but it may not be the best idea if it’s eating into your 401(k). Maybe it’s time for a household budget? Use Saturday and Sunday to introduce some money saving tools into your life. Then, discipline yourself and try not to keep justifying $70 steak dinners for one.

Capricorn

Friday night is gonna present some wacky dreams, Capricorn, so write that sh*t down. You’ll definitely have some déjà vu later on, and remembering weird details from your subconscious may come in handy. Saturday and Sunday aren’t going to be too productive, so don’t beat yourself up if you literally don’t want to do anything. F*ck making banana bread. I wanna make nap time.

Aquarius

You’re going to want to examine your goals, Aquarius—especially the ones you always felt were a given. Do you still want to get married? Have kids? Work for the same company for 20 years? These are the convos you need to have with yourself that aren’t always fun, and almost always require booze. After all that thinking, use Saturday night and Sunday morning for important sh*t, like sleeping, eating pancakes, and watching reruns of The Office.

Pisces

You may feel especially vulnerable this weekend, Pisces. Those FaceTime first dates and attempts at romance may feel useless, but try not to give in to the low self-esteem feels. It’s just the planets f*cking with you. Use Saturday to do some journaling, or head out for a run to clear your head. By Sunday you’ll be feeling a little more like yourself, so don’t forget to call mom and tell her she’s pretty amazing for creating you.

Aries

You’re dying to get out and see some sh*t, Aries. Get in the car (and stay in the car) and drive around somewhere scenic. Maybe it’s a small town on the river or a nearby park at dusk. Wherever you go, use the time to appreciate nature and the fact that you aren’t in your apartment, which, yeah, still needs to be cleaned.

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