In honor of Jennifer Aniston’s upcoming birthday, I’m here to celebrate one of TV’s betchiest characters: Rachel Green. If you have any idea what you’re doing in life, you watched Friends and immediately knew several things: you are the Rachel of your friend group; there’s no way she actually cut her father’s credit card in half; and she absolutely could have done better than Ross (or, like, at least gotten someone richer). That being said, Rachel dates who she wants, and I’m not here to make judgments on a certified player. I am here, however, to judge the caliber of the men she dated. Here’s a ranking of Rachel Green’s boyfriends from worst to best.
Barry
In Rachel’s defense, Barry was her fiancé before she really became Rachel (aka left the suburbs, got a job, and learned what rent is—all of which sucks but really frees up your dating options). Barry was short, sweaty, and a cheater, among other flaws like dipping his hands in children’s spit as a profession. (Picture the average day of an orthodontist and tell me I’m wrong.) Zero stars for Barry, one million stars for Rachel for figuring out that he looks like Mr. Potatohead and getting TF out.
Paolo
Paolo is unfortunate, but forgivable. Rachel is still highly impressionable and new to the city when she encounters Paolo, and it’s easy to confuse a foreign accent for true love. (No? Tell that to the string of exchange students you hooked up with your freshman year of college). Of course, Rachel eventually figures out that he’s not all that into her when he grabs Phoebe’s ass, and she promptly ends her annoying but obligatory Foreign Boyfriend phase. Also, does anyone else think he definitely spoke English and was trolling all of them?
Danny
Danny, the downstairs neighbor Rachel mistakes for a Yeti (I love this show), is cuter than Barry but just as weird. Once Rachel discovers that he’s cute under the beard, she demonstrates her interest by talking about Danny’s giant, obvious crush on her every time he leaves the room. Since he largely ignores her, this is great insight into Rachel’s worldview. Ultimately, though, Danny was already sus for not asking her out and only got more so when he started wrestling with his half-naked sister. Ew.
Joshua
Joshua, the recently divorced client whom Rachel hooks up with a new wardrobe, was good on paper but that’s about it. He takes forever to ask Rachel out, then handles her Ross-induced crazy with all the humor and emotional depth of a paper towel (I’m not saying he should have married her, but he clearly couldn’t keep up with her). There’s not a single moment where Joshua thinks to himself, “Hey, how would an adult man handle this?” and that includes when Rachel goes to dinner with his parents wearing nothing but lingerie.
Joey
I’ve never totally understood the raging Joey v. Ross controversy. They offer two completely different things, and if this show were set in present day then Rachel would be dating them both at the same time and thriving. As two conventionally hot people who have never let intellectual standards hold them back from proving that they’re cooler than you, it was inevitable that Rachel and Joey would hook up at some point, and just as inevitable that they would recognize they’re better off as friends. Joey was an itch Rachel needed to scratch, and my only regret is that it turned into a tortured love story rather than a series of drunken one-night stands.
Paul
Paul initially seems like the best catch Rachel’s ever landed. He’s hot (young Bruce Willis, who knew), he’s a lawyer, and he’s excellent at making fun of Ross. But because Rachel is used to dating whiny little girls Ross, she pushes him to open up about his emotions. She’s hit with a tidal wave of tears and very unsexy childhood grievances, and discovers a sad truth. Behind most “strong and silent” types, there is a screaming baby who will expect you to fix him. Rachel isn’t on board and jumps ship back to the Ross type: guys whose neuroses are right on the surface.
Tag
Honestly, I wanted to put Tag as #1, but he has to be demoted for the fact that Rachel can’t remember his last name a year later. For those of you blasphemous enough to forget, Tag is the uber-adorable assistant Rachel hooks up with and proceeds to dump because she’s turning 30 and needs to focus on a long-term plan, which I guess never involved him. Is he a little simple? Sure. But is he also sweet, devoted, and an endless supply of eye candy? YES. Again, a more modern Friends would have let Rachel freeze her eggs, focus on her love of fashion, and live happily ever after with Tag the house husband.
Gavin
While Ross’s paranoia knows no bounds, he was actually dead-on with his Gavin suspicions and should have been afraid. Gavin was sexy, charming, shared Rachel’s interests, and handled himself with confidence. Even though Rachel’s first impression here was yelling at Gavin for “stealing her job,” he doesn’t let her failure to understand how companies work, or the father of her child standing next to her, prevent him from forming a crush on her and pursuing her—proving he has good taste and the game to back it up. Gavin would have pushed Rachel to become the best version of herself, starting with that job in Paris.
Ross
I know. I came in heavy with the Ross hate and I stand by it, but this is a list of Rachel’s best love interests, and Rachel ultimately gets to decide. In her defense, Ross did have almost a solid decade of crushing on Rachel before they ever got together. It’s hard to find that kind of devotion somewhere else. For this reason, he can never be accused of not knowing what he has in Rachel. (Though obviously, he handles every chance with her terribly.) Ultimately, their new parent moments later on are undeniably cute, and they do kind of improve each other. AKA Rachel becomes more responsible and Ross becomes less of a loser. If Rachel’s happy, I’m happy.
That’s it for me—happy birthday again to the incomparable Jennifer Aniston. May we continue reading fictional accounts of your reunion with Brad Pitt for years to come.
Images: Netflix; Giphy (9)
In the past few years, LaCroix has gone from something I’d only vaguely heard of before to literally taking over the world. Betches have ridded their fridges of Diet Cokes (JK not really) and flavorless flat water (God forbid) and replaced them with brightly colored cans of effervescent deliciousness. The good news? All LaCroix is pretty fucking betchy. They’re calorie-, sugar-, gluten-, sodium-, anything bad for you-free so they’re not going to make you fat like other sodas. They make amazing mixers. And who doesn’t love bubbles? The bad news is that all flavors are NOT created equal. But that’s what you have us for.
So we bring you: a definitive ranking of the betchiest LaCroix. Two things before diving into this: 1) There are a million fucking flavors so they’re not ALL on here. 2) If you disagree with our ranking, that’s fine. If it really upsets you, however, you need to relax and either pretend this list never happened, or make a life change and send us a box of LaCroix as a thank you. Preferably option 2.
10. Cran-Raspberry
Does anyone even drink this? Out of all of the flavors, this one is the fakest tasting and it’s just not good. If you go to someone’s house and they offer you a LaCroix then whip out this bad boy, it’s time to go home and reevaluate the friendship.
9. Peach Pear
It’s not necessarily bad—if I’m being perfectly honest, I think it’s pretty good. I’m a Southern betch though, so anything peach is my shit. It’s just that it tastes SO MUCH. It’s like a transition drug for people trying to break into the world of sparkling water except they just can’t give up their sugary soda ways. I feel like Peach Pear people probs keep a secret stash of Mountain Dew in case of emergencies.
8. Coconut
The problem here is the way it smells. I literally crack open a can and start gagging because it’s like cheap tanning oil and when I think about drinking it, I want to vomit. The only excuse for drinking this one is that it’s a skinny option for a tropical mixer, but like, can’t you just use coconut rum?
7. Pure
The OG LaCroix is a little boring because it has no flavor whatsoever, but I can definitely appreciate people who are hardcore enough to drink plain sparkling water. Best part about this one is you can throw it in any drink you want and it won’t fuck up the taste, just make it a little bubbly.
6. Piña Fraise
Ah. The first one from LaCroix’s Cúrate (it’s pronounced coo-rah-tay, btw). I feel like some people are gonna hate on these and be Team Original, but idc because they’re amazing. This one mixes pineapple and strawberry so it’s a little on the sweet side for my taste, but it has a good bit of flavor without fucking punching you in the face. It says “I’m not quite a LaCroix pro, but I’m not a lame AF newb either.”
5. Melón Pomelo
If you couldn’t tell by the name, this is another of the Cúrate variety. It breaks into the top five because of its uncommon mix of fruits that actually works and isn’t totally nasty (looking at you, Cran-Raspberry). It’s like a mixologist handmade your sparkling water for you. I mean, who knew cantaloupe and grapefruit combined could be so damn tasty?
4. Cerise Limón
This one is literally like a calorie-free cherry limeade from Sonic. Well not quite, but close. The subtle flavors are usually the betchiest, but because it’s all tart and no sweet, it doesn’t taste as fake as some of the other flavor-heavy options. A vodka soda with a cerise limón instead of standard club is never a bad idea. But you can just say cherry lime so you don’t sound like an asshole who’s trying to speak Spanish.
3. Lemon/Lime
These two are tied because they’re pretty much the fucking same. They’re basically only liked by LaCroix snobs because they kind of taste like a fountain Sprite when it’s running low on syrup. Tbh, these two are okay, but not my faves. The only reason they’re up this high is because they’re awesome mixers and go with pretty much any kind of alcohol.
2. Múre Pepino
Surprise! It’s another member of the Cúrate fam and it is fucking incredible. The mix of blackberry and cucumber is like something you’d get at the spa. It’s so damn refreshing and it’s relatively unknown so you look betchy AF and slightly hipster, but not overtly, so when people go in your fridge and stumble across the lavender and lime cans. If you like crafty cocktails with herbs and shit, make this your new go-to.
1. Pamplemousse
This should come as a surprise to no one. Pamplemousse (grapefruit, if you speak English) is an OG LaCroix and has managed to stay the betchiest. It has a little more taste than lime and lemon, but it’s still super light and exclusive to veteran LaCroix drinkers. It’s also one of the bubbliest which is always a good thing. Plus, the name is fancy AF. Long live the pamplemousse.
From Sex and the City to Girls to Game of Thrones, I honestly didn’t think HBO could get any better, especially when it comes to girl power television. Well I was wrong. And you better screenshot that shit because I will never admit it ever again. The only reason I’m saying it now is because Big Little Lies might be the best ever. That’s right, GOT freaks and SJP worshippers. I fucking said it. It’s like Real Housewives of NorCal meets Girl on the Train murder mystery starring the world’s betchiest cast (minus that nice girl from Secret Life of the American Teenager).
Lucky for us, HBO decided to revive this excellent miniseries for a second season, and we’re only a month away from the premiere. Here’s a ranking of the Big Little Lies characters in order of betchiness. Oh, and obviously Meryl Streep will land somewhere near the top once we see her on season 2. Can’t. F*cking. Wait.
10. Perry
Was he hot af? Yes. But did he beat the living shit out of Nicole Kidman and rape Shailene Woodley? Also yes. So like, sorry Eric Northman, but you can’t sit with us. You can try Sears the White House.
9. Jane
I’m probs gonna get some heat for this because everyone fucking loved Jane because she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom who moved to Monterey and is like, poor and shit. I can respect that. But she always looked terrible and followed Madeline around like a sad rescue puppy in a Sarah McLachlan commercial. Plus, I can’t get over the fact that it’s Amy Juergens.
8. Nathan
Is it just me or was Nathan the fucking worst? He’s like that frat bro in college that ends things because he thinks you’re too clingy since you left a sock at his place, then six months later proposes to your grandlittle. Fucking prick. Not to mention, no one is mean to Reese Witherspoon without consequences. That’s just like, the rules of feminism.
7. Ed
Ed is an extremely lovable person, like the only one on the whole show, but he’s a typical nice guy who gets steamrolled by everyone. His wife, his wife’s ex, the dude his wife screws on the side, his step daughter, his cool 6-year-old. Literally everyone. And being a little bitch is so not betchy.
6. Renata
Renata is the worst, but she’s a fucking badass. She’s the CEO of a company, on the board of Pay Pal and is the only person in the whole town of Monterey that doesn’t do whatever the fuck Madeline tells her to. She also somehow manages to pick her daughter up from school at like 2:30 on a daily basis despite having what sounds like an exceedingly high powered job. Renata, she does it all. Also, she ends up being part of the mom Plastics at the end, so like, we’ll forgive her for the first five episodes when she sucked.
5. Celeste
A lot of you probs thought Celeste would be at the top of the list, but nah. Being the prettiest, skinniest, richest of all the moms helps, but it’s not everything. Like pretty much everyone else, she’s a follower and does whatever Madeline says. She also somehow is delusional enough to not realize her husband is a cheater that also beats the shit out of every woman he sleeps with.
4. Chloe
I didn’t want to include kids in this because there’s like a million on this show and who really cares, but Chloe is a future betch in the making who deserves recognition on our list. She has fire taste in music instead of Kids Bop or whatever the kids listen to these days, and she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Not from her teacher, not from Amabella, not from her prostitute sister, not from her crazy-ass parents. Nobody. She does what she wants, when she wants and that’s a betchy af quality for a 6-year-old.
3. Bonnie
Bonnie is a classic free-spirited hippie betch. She teaches yoga and is always chill and, while we never actually saw it, I’m pretty sure she smokes a shit ton of weed because no one is that calm without smoking some dank shit. She def went to Burning Man a few times before she got married and had Sky and takes Abigail to Planned Parenthood. Because of the yoga, she’s got a killer bod. Bonus points for killing Perry because he had to go.
2. Celeste’s Therapist
Holy shit, what a bad betch. Unlike most TV therapists who just how ask how you feel about something and stare at you like a slice of Papa John’s, she actually fucking helps. She doesn’t care about ethics and other bullshit because she’s not about to sit there while Celeste gets murdered. She doesn’t give a fuck about the rules and we love it.
1. Madeline
Obvi. In a town with a bunch of really attractive, wealthy moms, Madeline has managed to take over as queen bee like a West Coast middle-aged Blair Waldorf. She has a band of minions who do whatever she says and all the men in town think she’s a raging bitch which we all know means that she’s a woman who gets what she fucking wants by any means necessary. She doesn’t take shit from people and threw up on her ex’s new hot wife, something we’ve all dreamed of. #goals
That’s all for new, but stay tuned for more Big Little Lies coverage when it comes back in June!
It’s no secret that we at Betches loveee HBO’s Girls. I, mean, what’s not to love about 4 fuck ups college graduates in their 20s living in Brooklyn and dating bros who have less of a career than them? Omg such inspirations.
And since the series finale is coming up in a few weeks and the Girls are finally getting out of Brooklyn (I assume) let’s rank them in terms of betchiness, k?
7. Elijah
Being v talented and knowing you’re talented AF is the definition of a try-hard and sooo not betchy. Like, can you please be a little less self-absorbed and stop putting down your best friends with fire one-liners?
6. Marnie
Like Elijah, Marnie is also a try-hard. At one point she even owns a gym membership to Equinox and takes back an ex-boyfriend solely because he gets rich AF. So shady, Marn.
P.S. ^^Sure, Jan.
5. Jessa
It’s so not cool that she stole Hannah’s boyfriend from her. Like, you may have a cool AF accent and travel everywhere and have rich parents and a trendy drug problem but that does NOT mean you can play with other people’s hearts, Jessa.
4. Shoshana
There’s something about this girl (perhaps the neurosis?) that just says: “I totally want her to rush my sorority.”
3. Adam
Watch out, Chuck Bass! We’ve got another fuckboy to rival your top spot on our TV fuckboy list. Just because you have money, Bass, doesn’t mean you can buy Adam’s charisma.
What a poet. Ladies, am I right?
2. Ray
He’s so wise and down to earth and he’d definitely never let someone he’s dating treat him like shit like the rest of the losers on this show.
Like, ever.
1. Hannah
Aka the biggest betch of them all. Hannah is, like, so talented and such an inspiration for modern women. I mean her work ethic is v impressive.
She even wrote a book that is definitely not sad or handwritten.
She’s nailed the art of #215 the Humble Brag.
And she’s definitely the sexiest character on the show too.
She’s always up on the latest fashion trends.
Seriously, where did you buy that shirt, girl?? Fingers crossed they have it at Urban Outfitters.
And of course they way she lifts up her friends during hard times is what really seals her betch fate.
You can sit with us, girl.
