Holy sh*t, it’s October. I assume the Earth will just sort of explode at the end of the year, so has everyone started building their bunkers? Made their final plans for the apocalypse? Great. The stars will totes guide us through our next weekend full of sweatpants, pumpkin spice lattes, apple picking, and whatever makes you momentarily forget that it’s 2020 and everything is literally terrible.

Libra

It’s all about relationships this weekend, Libra. Prepare for some bickering with those closest to you on Friday and, if you can keep your sh*t together, Saturday will be more peaceful than fuzzy slippers and autumn leaves and it not being 2020. Sunday is for relaxing, so prop your feet up and try not to check your work emails. You deserve it, sweetie.

Scorpio

Take care of yourself this weekend, Scorpio. Use Friday night to center yourself with a bottle of wine and reruns of RHONJ. Saturday, the stars want you to, like, pay attention to your partner, so I guess listen to them talk or buy them ice cream or whatever. Sunday is all about friends, so don your best fall boots and head to the pumpkin patch for some cliche photos.

Sagittarius

The moon and Mars want you to tap into your inner artist on Friday, Sagittarius, so draw a picture of a rainbow to put on your mom’s fridge. Saturday and Sunday are for health and your recent lifestyle choices, so go ahead and kickstart your new keto lifestyle with a side of pilates, or whatever you signed up for.

Capricorn

Get ready for some drama, Capricorn. Mars is set to f*ck sh*t up for you on Friday night into Saturday, so if things get a little chaotic, along the likes of fights with your S.O., weird vibes via work emails, or spats about COVID with your mom, just know that it’s the planets making your life miserable. Luckily, Venus will save the day in time for you to enjoy Sunday, so just try and hold out til then.

Aquarius

Your weekend will be off to a rocky start, Aquarius, so prepare yourself with enough pizza rolls, wine, and online shopping to cope. Your usually on-point communication skills will be worse than the presidential debate (too soon?), so Saturday may be best spent cuddled up with a book and away from other humans. By Sunday, Uranus will save the day and you’ll be feeling like your normal self—whatever normal is these days, anyway.

Pisces

Stress ahoy, Pisces. The end of the week may culminate in impulse shopping, drinking, and unhealthy eating as a coping mechanism. It’s okay to self-soothe a bit, but try not to drain your savings or undo your healthy lifestyle in the course of an evening. Saturday and Sunday will see a shift thanks to the moon actually looking out for you, so bank on great convos with siblings and friends.

Aries

Change is in the air, Aries. Knowing that, it’s in your best interest to take the weekend to turn off your brain, relax, buy some throw pillows and candles, and hit reset. Put down your phone, don’t read about the f*cking debates, and give yourself time to mentally process where you are. Also, do a face mask, have a glass of wine, and jump in a leaf pile.

Taurus

Energy is the name of the game this weekend, Taurus. Even though this week has been f*cking exhausting, chances are you’ll wake up on Saturday feeling ready and refreshed. Tackle some chores, like the stack of dishes that have lived in the sink since Tuesday, or the water glasses and old coffee mugs littering your tables. After that, meet up with a friend for a cocktail, because cleaning is hard and you deserve it.

Gemini

The weekend starts off energetic, Gemini, but by Sunday you’ll be ready to wind down and get back to the ol’ Zoom grind. Friday night and Saturday are prime time for exploring and supporting your community, so maybe call up that animal rescue and see if they need an extra person to pet and walk doggos or something. Or just dine outside at a non-chain restaurant, either way. On Sunday, Mercury wants you to treat yourself with some restorative yoga, but really comfy yoga pants are just as good.

Cancer

The week will end on a sh*tty note, Cancer, but the weekend promises to be generally pretty chill. Try to rise above pettiness on Friday, even if you feel like Joe Biden during the first debate. Saturday and Sunday are perfect for conversation and good company, so if you can safely visit with a few friends or your parents, do that. Sh*t, this may be a perfect opportunity for you to try out your charcuterie board skills.

Leo

Go on a hike, Leo. This weekend the universe literally won’t let you sit still, so do whatever the opposite of sitting inside and reading a book is. We recommend jogs around the neighborhood, a long nature walk with your dog, or urban hiking at an outdoor mall. Try not to blow your whole paycheck on pumpkin sh*t, unless you really feel like you need it.

Virgo

Build up your confidence this weekend, Virgo. Whether it’s finally scheduling that haircut and color, getting your nails done, or just seeing a friend who, like, really thinks you’re special, you need to embrace your hotness. Use your down time to follow some body-positive accounts on Instagram, then get out there and go for a jog, eat a pizza, and learn about loving yourself. It’s called balance.

Images: Giphy (12)

What day is it? Will we ever go back to the office? When can I have brunch again? If I kill my husband, would I get away with it? All of these questions seem to linger as we enter week whatever of quarantine.

Thankfully, the planets and stars have heard our bored cries and want us to make the most of the weekend. Sure, we aren’t allowed to leave our homes and the government is ticketing people who do, but that’s no excuse not to have fun, right?! You can still have fun inside.

Aries

You’re gonna feel super ambitious this weekend, Aries, which is hilarious given the current living situation we’re all in. Make the most of it by tackling a DIY project you’ve been putting off. Or, the more adult thing to do: getting started on your taxes. On Sunday you’re going to feel somewhat stir crazy, so head outside for a jog, walk, or slow run around the ‘hood. Just don’t pet any dogs that aren’t yours or get within 6 feet of, well, anything.

Taurus

You’re going to want to let all that pent-up sexuality out this weekend, Taurus. If you’re quarantining with bae, turn up the romance on Friday night with some delicious local restaurant delivery and a good movie followed by some nice, slow, sexy time and continue it into Saturday morning. Sh*t, make some pancakes and hang out in your pajamas all day, too. If you’re single, try and channel that aggression into a sexy solo mission Friday night, then attack a creative project come morning.

Gemini

Friday night will be about you, and Saturday and Sunday will be about everyone else, Gemini. Use Friday night to take a good, hard look at how you’re handling the whole quarantine situation. Are you anxious? Stressed? Take a breath and take care of yourself with a bath, good book, great porn, home-cooked meal—whatever. Saturday and Sunday are all about harmony with the most important folks in your life, so call mom and dad, talk to your besties, and do your best to form actual connections with other people, even if it’s over FaceTime.

Cancer

Time to get selfish, Cancer. Honestly, though, you spend a lot of time taking care of everyone else, and this weekend needs to be about you. So whether you spend Friday night on your couch with your phone off, or Saturday eating half your quarantine snacks, or any part of the weekend crying over your quarantine 15, know that it’s important to make it all about you. And if you want to order a party pack of tacos from Taco Bell, just f*cking do it.

Leo

The Sagittarius moon is making your creative juices flow, so use the weekend to do something fun and artsy fartsy. Break out the watercolors or sketching pencils you haven’t used since 8th grade on Saturday, or express yourself through some culinary sh*t like a cake that requires more than two steps and didn’t come in a box.

Virgo

It’s all about being introspective this weekend, Virgo. It doesn’t mean you have to sit on the couch and think about your feelings through Saturday and Sunday, though. Try reading a book you ignored in high school or writing a stream of consciousness about your time in quarantine. Once you get sick of that, try having a long, hard think about what to have for dinner.

Libra

You’re going to feel the need for all kinds of communication throughout the weekend, Libra. This could be a great time to turn off Screen Time on your phone. It’ll just be embarrassing for you later. If you’re quarantined with your significant other, take the weekend to really, like, talk. Not so much about the ‘rona or our jackass president, but about your thoughts, feelings, and what you miss most about the old, normal world.

Scorpio

Friday’s moon is gonna have you feeling super confident, so make sure to update your dating profile and swipe until your fingers fly off. Get those sweet, sweet video dates, sis. Saturday you’ll want to take a look at your finances, which, in these scary times, definitely demand some attention. It’s not the best time to be ordering more loungewear, just saying.

Sagittarius

You’re going to be at your best all weekend, Sagittarius. Don’t let quarantine dull your sparkly personality. Host a group FaceTime happy hour with your besties on Friday night as an excuse to get trashed. On Saturday, head out on a long walk—like, three miles or more—to get the stank of being locked in an apartment for four days off of you. On Sunday, get a head start on a work project since your head will be in the game. Plus, it won’t hurt for your boss to see you take a little initiative.

Capricorn

You’re going to crave some alone time, Capricorn, and we’re in sort of the perfect situation for it. You’re so #blessed. In keeping with all things solitude, tell your quarantine buddy (if you have one) that you’re not talking to them for at least 24 hours. It’ll be super fun for everyone. Then. sleep in super late Saturday, order takeout and eat it in bed, and just generally lounge around. You live for this sh*t.

Aquarius

If we were allowed out, you’d be all over the social scene this weekend, Aquarius. Since we’re stuck in our current predicament, try a social distancing get-together (like yelling at each other from your fire escapes or driveways) on Friday or Saturday night. On Sunday, try video chatting with someone you don’t normally see, like a cousin that you always text or your DM bestie.

Pisces

The planets are pushing you to travel, Pisces. Since that’s not, uh, possible to do at the moment, maybe try going for a short drive around town or outside a bit. On Sunday, check in on your creative life and how you feel about that sh*t these days. Sure, dropping it all feels appealing, but it probably won’t pan out in the long run. Look for side gigs in your spare time, or start an Etsy store or something. You’ve got nothing to lose.

Images: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

The forecast next week calls for a low UNDER 20 degrees, so like, I officially think we all need to collectively be on winter vacation. How am I supposed to get work done in the frigid environment that is my office? How am I to function when it’s dark at 4pm? Where is my will to live? I mean, if you’re going to tell me that drinking at work is frowned upon, what do I have left? Help a sister out, here.

Thanks to Mercury f*cking our sh*t up and being in retrograde until November 20th, I assume most of us had an emotional rollercoaster of a week. Will the planets and stars continue to ruin our lives and make us feel way too many feelings?! Find out in your weekend horoscopes.

Scorpio

Everything is so damn inspiring, Scorpio. Seriously, everything from leaves falling off trees to the way your meal for one is spinning in the microwave has you wanting to create art and sh*t. However, Mars is messing with Pluto and making you more likely to get easily frustrated and/or blow up at someone, so maybe it’s best if you channel your inner Vincent Van Gogh and be a bit of a loner for the weekend.

Sagittarius

You’re feeling delighted by everything, Sagittarius, and the cosmos want you to share it with like, everyone. The moon is pushing you to try something new, so maybe Saturday is the perfect time to head to that nude model art class. You may even be mature enough to sketch a penis without giggling!

Capricorn

Head into the great outdoors this weekend, Capricorn. The planets are preaching self-care, and the quiet of nature could be the perfect way to calm your back-and-forth feelings. If it isn’t going to be cold as f*ck on Sunday, plan to sit outside with your PSL and stare at people. Write in a journal so people think you’re deep, too.

Aquarius

Get out of town, Aquarius. A change of pace is the best thing for you, so Saturday morning, make a plan to drive two to three hours out of the city and do something autumnal and adorable. The weekend is ideal for learning, so lean in to exploring stuff.

Pisces

Time to stare down the barrel of your finances, Pisces. You’ve been avoiding it, but it’s time to get one of those fancy apps that yells at you for the amount of money you spend on dining out and ordering Pizza Hut every other day. It’s also a great weekend to do a sit-and-think about your current career. Are you happy? Is it time to update your resume? Time to have an adult conversation with yourself.

Aries

Tis the weekend for romance, Aries. That’s shocking, ’cause you’re usually a sassy pain in the ass, but, apparently, Mars wants you to be happy Friday and Saturday, so it’s a great time to head out and try to meet people. You’ll also feel a strong desire to be active af on Sunday, so go for a jog then tell all your friends about what an amazing picture of health you really are.

Taurus

Your intuition is on f*cking point this weekend, Taurus, so listen to your gut. Friday, Venus is creating a sexy hot energy all around you, so head on out and use it to your advantage. Need a fling? A partner for cuffing season? A free drink? Whatever—you do you.

Gemini

Plan for a good f*cking time this weekend, Gemini. Call up your posse and schedule some basic activities like brunch, apple picking, or throwing pumpkin beers in the trash. You’re gonna be feeling extra intuitive, so it’s a good time to check in with your friends and see how each of them are doing while offering your sage wisdom about everything from dating to which Taco Bell menu items are least likely to give you gas.

Cancer

Get ready for some drama in the home and family department this weekend, Cancer. Mars is stirring sh*t up (typical), so try to keep in mind that tensions may be running high and you can stay out of it if you want. Focus on yourself with a trip to the spa or a much needed cut and color with your go-to salon stylist.

Leo

You won’t be able to sit still this weekend, Leo, so get ready to seize Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and make the most of them. Romance and adventure are both on the docket for Saturday, so don’t be surprised if that hike you decided to go on in the spur of the moment leads to a rom-com-level meeting with a laid-back, cool, hot, single guy who seems too good to be true. That probably won’t happen, but we can hope.

Virgo

Mercury is pushing your communication buttons, Virgo. You’re feeling smart af, so put that intellect to good use by actually reading a book this weekend or learning how to do your taxes. You could also get really drunk and discuss climate change with your besties if that’s your vibe.

Libra

Distress and discomfort are the name of the game this weekend, Libra. On Saturday you’re going to feel pulled between wanting to perform some much needed self-care and taking care of those around you. The good news is that if you’re careful, you can do both. Take time to comfort friends and family with their everyday bullsh*t, then head into the spa for some necessary you time. Come Monday, you’ll feel accomplished af.

Images: Giphy (12)

Is it f*cking fall yet? No, but I say we defy the planets, stars, and seasons and all just start wearing long sleeves and leggings. Kids are heading back to school shortly (thank you, God) and we’re already prepping for holiday shopping, because, well, what else am I going to do at work all day?

This weekend, all of our horoscopes seem to be focused on sitting and and thinking. We think that’s best done with a bottle of bubbly if the weather insists on staying hot for the next month or whatever.

Leo

Chase your dreams, Leo. It’s an amazing weekend to ignore inhibitions and run after a big project, huge move, or longtime crush, because the stars are aligning and everyone thinks you’re a pretty big deal. If you’re wifed up, make time this weekend for a lot of sexy time. It’ll be amazing, your partner will be psyched, and you can eat pizza post-coitus and feel like a million bucks.

Virgo

Go with the flow, Virgo. This weekend, relinquish control and do wtf your friends/fam/loved ones wanna do, especially on Friday and Saturday. Sure, you have sh*t to do around the house, but f*ck it—that ish can wait. Marie Kondo pounds mimosas on weekends, too; don’t be fooled.

Libra

The work is finally f*cking paying off, Libra. You’ve spent all week working on mending relationships at work and at home, and you’re finally in a better place. Take this weekend to bask in your own glory and relax. It’s also a great weekend to use your listening skills and help a friend or loved one through some old bullsh*t.

Scorpio

If you adapt, you’ll reap the benefits financially, Scorpio. Friday and Saturday are great days to impart your money prowess to others, so get together over wine with your bitches and tell them all about your 401(k) or something. If you’re not into that noise, this is a great weekend to spend romantically with a partner, so, like, go antiquing or some sh*t.

Sagittarius

You’re power hungry, Sagittarius, but it’s fine. You’re gonna be feelin’ yourself hardcore on Friday, and it’s a great chance to pay it forward and teach others how to be awesome, too. Gifts are best shared, so grab a few pizzas and impart your knowledge to the masses.

Capricorn

WTF is on your mind, Capricorn? You don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Use this weekend to figure out what’s been up with your mood/attitude, and get out of the house. Bouncing problems off friends and loved ones isn’t weak—it’s what they’re there for. Brunch or a party pack from Taco Bell will make everything feel better.

Aquarius

Uranus is f*cking with you, Aquarius, but it’s fine, because this weekend things are looking up. Change the way you’ve been approaching relationships, whether with friends, long-term lovers, or new romances, and both Saturday and Sunday could shape up to be really f*cking fun (and like, social). Re-assessing is a great tool for introspection and seeing what you may be doing wrong. (Yes, as much as you don’t want to admit it, the problem could be you.)

Pisces

What do people think of you, Pisces? But for serious: You may need to do some damage control when it comes to your image on Friday and Saturday. Look at it as a fun way to show everyone how super cool you are. Sing, dance, make a jackass of yourself, and everyone will be totally back on your side. Sunday is a day to communicate but like, in a chill way, with your friends and those closest to you.

Aries

You’re literally the picture of health, Aries. This weekend, focus on giving your posse the extra push for getting fit and having fun. Head to community yoga at a brewery, try a new vegan restaurant, or just attempt to take a hike. You’ll be able to communicate the need for being fit without sounding annoying. Venus in your sign on Friday pushes your weekend passion outlook into a v positive zone, so make sure to jump on that sh*t whether you’re taken or single.

Taurus

All eyes are on the future, Taurus, and it isn’t a bad thing. You’ve been super introspective all week about your career, relationships, and family, so don’t be surprised if your friends and loved ones start reaching out this weekend seeing wtf is up with you. It’s a good weekend to lay low and treat yourself to some true homebody-ing. If you’re paired up, a quiet weekend getaway or staycation can help get your focused (and passionate) about your relationship.

Gemini

Awwwwwsh*t, you’re about to have a sexy motherf*cking weekend, Gemini. If you’re paired up, you’re seriously crushing on your SO and their ability to go with the flow and have fun. If you’re single, keep an eye on Friday and Saturday nights as great potential times to snag a new romantic interest.

Cancer

Your coworkers will be at you on Friday, Cancer, be it about a project or afterwork shenanigans. After all that hubbub, focus on you this weekend, and let your feelings be center stage. Cuddle up with a romcom and cry into a bag of popcorn or nachos or whatever. Ain’t nobody can make you feel bad.

Images: Giphy (12)

Welcome to Cancer season, where emotions run rampant, but at the same time, your feelings don’t matter! This weekend, you’ll battle everything from getting ghosted on Tinder to fighting with your bestie over where to go for brunch. If you’re wifed up, prepare to fight in a public place—like IKEA or Home Depot—over something dumb like lighting fixtures. This is the life you chose. Anyway, since you have no federal holidays to look forward to until Labor Day in September, let’s dive in head first to our two days of freedom and what the stars have in store for us.

Cancer

Live your truth and sh*t, Cancer. I know it’s hard when you like to keep everyone happy, even your significant other, but try to assert yourself and be a strong independent betch who can fetch her own Sour Patch Kids from the pantry, k? Sh*t, go so far as to head to the spa solo this weekend and live your best life. The Mars-Uranus planet fight is making you feel super insecure, but letting go and relaxing may help. Confrontation which could present itself (thanks, Pluto), so try to remove yourself from the situation.

Leo

Break out of the routine this weekend, Leo. You’re pretty into doing the same damn thing every Saturday and Sunday, and it’s time to change it up (even though change tends to really freak you out). Try to hang out with your hippest friends—and bonus points if their lives are made more chaotic by multiple animals or kids or whatever.

Virgo

Hang out, but make it chill, Virgo. Isolating yourself will only stir up old feelings, and your romance outlook has you vulnerable in the way of sending “hey” texts to that guy you def shouldn’t be texting on Saturday. Make a bunch of your idiot friends feel at home with a not-too-fancy dinner party or comfy night in with pizza and beer so you can be your most relaxed self while also being surrounded by friends.

Libra

Spend your weekend researching your future, Libra. Reach out to career mentors, be they family, friends, or old coworkers. You’ve been feeling kind of meh about your talents and accomplishments lately, and spending time over wine or whatever may be the boost you need to head into Monday feeling better about yourself.

Scorpio

Indulge this weekend, Scorpio. We know your bank account could sting for a bit afterward, but it’ll all be worth it to spark joy with a pedicure or massage. Plus, it’ll help take your mind off of people doing sh*tty sh*t this week and keep you from retaliating because, well, Scorpios gonna Scorpio. The Mars-Uranus situation yesterday is adding fuel to your stubborn fire, so attracting mates isn’t really on the radar this weekend. Hang out with the people who get you (and have your back) the most.

Sagittarius

Because you’re happpyyyyyyyy. Sagittarius. Sorry for getting that f*cking song stuck in our collective brains. All you need to do to keep the good mood rollin’ this weekend is avoid people and things that stress you out. So, yeah—maybe put off vacuuming for another week, or ditch that Negative Nancy friend that’s always such a bummer to be around. Do things that make you feel warm and fuzzy, like breaking out that disgusting bathrobe your boyfriend can’t stand and hanging out in it while giving yourself an at-home pedicure.

Capricorn

Stop being so controlling, Capricorn. It’s okay to put down the reins for a minute so you can focus on your inner self. Plus, this weekend, the more you try to be in charge, the more pissy you’ll get, which isn’t good for anyone. Try some guided meditation or yoga and release your inner zen.

Aquarius

Change happens, Aquarius. It can be scary, but remember that you have to adapt or else you’ll like, die. Not literally, but you know what I mean. Comfort yourself with your friends, and remember to be flexible. Plus, your love outlook looks good on Friday, with friends possibly introducing you to someone special. Keep an open mind, and try not to tell him about your back acne within 15 minutes of meeting.

Pisces

You’re such a good person, Pisces, and it’s time to bully other people into seeing it (kinda). Friends and potential mates are drawn into your circle this weekend, so remember to lead by example, not by force. Like, suggest going to a weird new sushi restaurant instead of just telling everyone it’s where you’re going for dinner and that’s final.

Aries

All work and no play makes Aries an asshole, so take a break. Head to a brewery or winery with friends to get out of town and out of your head for the weekend. New brews and scenery will help bring some much needed relaxation. Plus, with the sun pissing off Pluto this weekend, you’re gonna be feeling extra insecure, so it’s best to surround yourself with people that lift you up.

Taurus

Take a f*cking break, Taurus. You’ve been running yourself ragged the last week, and you can only do so much. Connect with friends that tell you you’re really pretty and smart—it’s honestly what you need to hear this weekend. In the romance sector, the stars are spelling out passion potential on Friday, which is a nice change since this week felt particularly loveless for you. Just be wary of the sun and Pluto f*cking your sh*t up on Saturday and Sunday, since there’s high potential for a fight in a public place with a lover or friend.

Gemini

Take matters into your own hands, Gemini. Take care of you and take care of someone who really needs it this weekend, like your friend who started doing tequila shots again after we all warned her not to. Being such a giver will make you feel empowered and strong. You’re like, such a good person.

Friday is a great day to attract someone on your level, which we realize can be hard to find. If you’re already wifed up, be sure to communicate appreciation for your mate—especially when he does everyday things like emptying the dishwasher or putting his socks away. It’ll actually make a huge difference.

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Well fam, it’s time for another weekend of wondering what shenanigans we’ll get into. With Venus making moves in Gemini and the new moon on Saturday, a few of you will need to give yourselves some self-love and pause on the whole relationship front both Saturday and Sunday, since you’ll definitely be a cranky-pants. Otherwise, lots of us will be enjoying rainy, sh*tty, cuddle weather this weekend, so eat until your heart feels like it’s going to stop, throw on some sweats, and get to being a homebody.

Gemini

You’re sexy and you know it, Gemini. Use your powers of attraction to draw in dumb men this weekend, since you’ll be totally on your game Saturday. You won’t, however, be able to use your charm on anyone in your professional sphere, so count on having to actually rely on your brain and ability to seem busy around coworkers and your micro-managing boss when the new week starts. Oh well.

Cancer

Leo

You’re like, really popular, Leo. But it isn’t all sunshine and people kissing your ass. Some bitches be trippin’, and you’ll pick up on odd juju from your friends (or one in particular) this weekend. But before you tell her she’s a backstabbing fugly slut, take a look at your own behavior. Have you invited her out for drinks and tacos recently? Did you laugh at her when she wore sweatpants three days in a row? Just saying.

You may also meet someone hot AND smart on Saturday thanks to Venus, the loooove planet, entering Gemini. If you’re already half of a couple, head out for a group date night to reignite the spark.

Virgo

No effort needed, Virgo. If you and your S.O. have been at each other’s throats the last week, it could be best that he heads out on a boy’s weekend and you cuddle up in sweatpants with a pizza this weekend. A little time apart never hurt anyone. The planets have you misinterpreting signals from one another and you just aren’t going to see eye to eye this weekend. Socialize with some work friends or grab drinks with a new group.

Libra

Press pause, Libra. You tend you bite off a lot f*cking more than you can chew before you know wtf you’re doing. So this weekend, before you start up on a new task you know nothing about (like knitting, or Keto diets), take a minute to like, think it through. Then, do something more interesting instead. Head to the beach for the weekend. Cook an interesting meal. Drive to a tiny antique shop—whatever. Keep it simple and have some fun.

Scorpio

Stop being so f*cking moody, Scorpio.  Until you’re feeling less like an emo kid, stay away from close friends, your partner, and anyone else who could easily get fed up with your moodiness. If you stick around, you’re likely to lash out, be overly paranoid, and just generally act like an asshole. Get positive and give yourself some time alone.

Sagittarius

Focus on something other than the general weirdness permeating the air around you, Sagittarius. If stuff is weird with your fam or S.O., try to get away for the weekend, get lost in a book or pizza, and just generally try not to focus on it. You’ll only feel worse when you can’t actually solve the issue. Distract yourself with a friend who is weirdly obsessed with you to get your mind off sh*t this weekend. Self-care comes in all forms, fam.

Capricorn

Being really f*cking tired comes in many forms, Capricorn. Maybe you’ve been focusing on worst-case scenarios this week, or worrying about hypotheticals. Knock it off and give yourself some self love; stop overthinking. It’s a great time to blow some cash on a spa weekend or drown your exhaustion in a masochistic spin class (or Chinese food, whatever). Whatever you do, do you.

Aquarius

Venus in Gemini this weekend is opening your heart to stuff, Aquarius. This weekend, spend time with people you truly care about. But keep track of your spending while you’re out having a big ol’ time, buddy. Guilt a friend into paying for stuff and don’t think twice about it. Your money needs some lovin’. Turns out that the planets may also give some much needed attention to your dating and love life, so use a hobby you love (like drinking) to make a connection with another human being or whatever.

Pisces

Stop doubting yourself, Pisces. You’re definitely good enough, hot enough, smart enough, and cool enough, so stop throwing yourself a pity party. Use those old doubts to remind yourself that you are awesome, k? Meanwhile, redirect those sh*tty feelings and clean up your damn apartment. There’s no room for pity parties in messy spaces. What would Marie Kondo think?

You may also have some luck in love, despite your feelings of blah-ness. Mercury is heading through your romance box this weekend, and your communication game will be on point. So you’ll be on top of your game when responding to d*ck pics with witty insults. Yay!

Aries

Listen to your gut, Aries. True, you’re a bit more paranoid than you usually are, but if it walks like a douche and talks like a douche, it’s a f*cking douche. There’s likely something lurking under the surface between you and your partner, and this isn’t the situation where you wanna just smooth things over. Face that sh*t head on.

Taurus

Time to spend all your f*cking money, Taurus—and that isn’t necessarily a great choice. Brunch or a day of bar hopping with the betches will have you kissing your rent check goodbye, so maybe try to explore cheaper options (or like, be more responsible). I know you wanna YOLO as hard as possible and yeet that hard earned cash away, but try to challenge yourself and stay within the confines of your make-pretend household budget.

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This weekend, if you’re still talking about the Laurel/Yanni debate, it’s time to find a hobby and instead focus on what the stars have in store for you this weekend. Since Uranus changed signs this week, you could be in for some changes too. Like, now, instead of ordering your water with lemon, you might find yourself ordering the lemons on the side. Wow. Groundbreaking stuff here. Anyway, let’s see what the weekend horoscopes May 18 – 20 have in store. We’re not at Memorial Day weekend just yet.

Aries

Uranus is giving you the expertise to navigate life’s twists and turns. When you’re in a new neighborhood checking out a rooftop bar this weekend, you’ll be more likely to drunkenly guide yourself and your friends home—or to the nearest Taco Bell.

Taurus

This weekend is about breaking habits for you. As a Taurus, you love patterns and regularity. Breaking out of your regular MO isn’t easy for you, but once you find your stride you’ll be unstoppable. Order a new drink one night this weekend, try a new restaurant, go without a bra. The world of innocuous risks is your oyster.

Gemini

Mercury’s angle to Saturn this weekend will have you doing some profound thinking. Even though there’s something serious on your mind, work it out on your own. Don’t go to your friends for advice. Like, one of them keeps hooking up with her fuckboy ex. Another of your friends has a credit card debt problem. Do you really think these people can solve your existential crisis? Yeah, right.

Cancer

Warren Buffet said, “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.” You can follow the advice from some rich old white guy or you can say fuck it and do whatever you want this weekend. Uranus used to be guiding you in your house of career and reputation. Since it’s moved, that bitch doesn’t have you under her thumb anymore. Just go with what you feel instead.

Leo

You have a lot of practical knowledge to share this weekend. It’s time to take someone younger or new under your wing to show them the ropes. Keep your lessons simple and to the point. Generations to come can benefit from you sharing your technique for flawless eyeliner every time or the best drink to order to get you fucked up while not looking like an alcoholic.

Virgo

Before, Uranus was is independent Aries, causing you to experience a lot of weird, unpredictable behavior from others. Now that the planet has moved, you’ll be able to use what you learned from those strange circumstances. Things that used to phase you will seem completely irrelevant now. Your lack of fucks to give will give you an advantage in the boardroom and the bedroom.

Libra

With change in the air for a lot of other signs, you may find your tactics for getting what you want from others aren’t quite working how they used to. Mars clashes with Uranus in your house of self-expression, making your antics a little harder to swallow. Either change how you deal with others this weekend or be content to hang out alone.

Scorpio

As a Scorpio, it’s not always easy to say how you feel. You’d rather just give someone the silent treatment than express your feelings to them. This weekend, though, alignment between expressive Mercury and steadfast Saturn can make it easier to discuss something on your mind. Time to tell your boyfriend his Batman boxers kill your lady boner.

Sagittarius

Let’s be real, you had a lot of fun with Uranus shaking things up in areas of romance, fun, adventure, and entertainment. But that time has now come to an end. Uranus has moved on, and so should the rest of your ass, pun totally intended. It’s time to buckle down and get a little more focused. I mean, after the weekend, of course.

Capricorn

There’s more to you than meets the eye, and your hidden side will come out a little more this weekend. Tell those close to you to expect the unexpected. Your personality isn’t changing, you’re just letting who you really are show through. That’s great, unless who you really are is someone who rides mechanical bulls or picks sad songs at karaoke.

Aquarius

Be prepared to get called out on your shit this weekend. Mars squaring off with Uranus in your domestic realm makes it easy for friends, partners, and family to come forward with their grievances. So, yeah, you might feel like you’ve got a target on your back, but no one is buying your “I’m so innocent” act right now.

Pisces

Mercury synching with Saturn in your friendship zone means someone is looking out for you this weekend. You should take their advice. It might even be a friend you haven’t heard from in a while or someone who lives far away. With innovative Uranus now traversing the realm of communication and intellect, who knows? You might even get a FaceTime call to work without it freezing a million times.

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