Get Rid Of Your Sh*t: Weekend Horoscopes May 7-9

Hug your mom, vow to eat more salad in time for summer, and embrace the weekend, everybody. It’s time, once again, to look to the stars and wonder if, just maybe, we’re in for something chill.

There’s already been so much good news this week. More people are getting vaccinated, Trump has been banned indefinitely from social media, we all have an equal chance of matching with Bill Gates on Tinder, and warmer weather is settling in. C’mon, stars—give us those positive vibes in our personal lives.

Taurus

Sleep in and get your dreams on, Taurus. The universe is going to unleash some weird sh*t once you’re asleep, so keep a notepad or your phone close by so you can jot down all the insane sh*t that goes through your brain. Venus is on the move Saturday night and Sunday, so use those vibes to explore your material possessions. Translated another way: Go through your old sh*t and the sh*t you don’t fit into and donate it.

Gemini

It’s all about friendship this weekend, Gemini, so if you and your besties have gotten vaccinated, go tf out and have a drunk brunch. Not vaccinated? I can think of no better lady date than heading to your nearest Walgreens together to get stuck with needles. The second half of the weekend you’ll be #feelingyourself , so make plans for a date night with your S.O. or take the plunge on that Tinder match you’ve been on the fence about.

Cancer

You’ll close out the workweek on a career high, Cancer, so carry that energy into the weekend. If you’ve been killin’ it at work, don’t be afraid to dedicate an hour or two to a project your boss wants done this Saturday. Continuing on that trend, maybe it’d be a good idea to grab a beer or two with a coworker on Saturday night. Team building and networking could pay off later, even if it’s kinda painful now.

Leo

Learn something new this weekend, Leo. Maybe you can open up that Duolingo app and pick your French back up, oui? Or maybe you can read a book by someone other than a former Bachelor contestant? Idk. Sunday you’ll feel the need to break out of the house and do something exciting, so we’d recommend a hike up the side of a mountain with a reward (see: alcohol) at the end.

Virgo

Communication is key this weekend, Virgo. Make time for phone calls with mom, meetups with friends, and long, drawn-out convos about nothing in particular with your S.O. Sunday is a great day to update your resume, peruse jobs and side hustles, and, just maybe, get a head start on a few work emails for Monday. The stars want you to succeed—go f*cking figure.

Libra

Plan to spend time with your S.O. or bestie this weekend, Libra, because the stars are lining up for great partnership vibes. Maybe you can bring up buying that patio set without a fight ensuing! Or maybe you can convince them that yes, a 10-day vacation is absolutely worth maxing out the credit cards. Like, you’ve been trapped for a year; you earned it.

Scorpio

Examine your self-care habits, Scorpio. Aside from drinking more water, eating real vegetables that don’t come on pizza/tacos/stir-fry, and cutting toxic people from your life, it may be a good weekend to have an important convo with someone close to you, like your mom or S.O. Self-care means upping that positive energy, babe, and you can’t do that with negative comments weighing you down.

Sagittarius

Time for projects, Sagittarius; and this weekend, that could mean anything from painting a random wall in your house because you saw it on Pinterest to doing #work on your boyfriend to psychologically push him to putting his f*cking wet towels in the hamper. Sunday is actually a great day for partnerships, so maybe projects related to, or involving, the latter could be fruitful.

Capricorn

Do work at home and on your turf this weekend, Capricorn. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s finally time to wash your sheets or dust your baseboards. The stars are actually pushing you to make your nest ideal in every way—and that includes having much needed convos with people you live with. Has your roommate crossed the line for the last time? Is your cat’s total lack of respect for you simply no longer tolerable? Communication is actually in your corner, so don’t be afraid to do some housekeeping of a different kind.

Aquarius

Read a book, Aquarius, or, better yet, take an online class—like one of those expensive cooking ones where you pay a bunch of money for Gordon Ramsey to yell at you. If you somehow can’t get that together by this weekend, we’d recommend dining out and learning about a new cuisine, or taking a hike and learning about which mushrooms to forage and which to like, really not touch.

Pisces

It’s all about money this weekend, Pisces. Examine your finances and try not to take stock advice from people on Reddit threads, even if their memes are hilarious. Instead, invest in something real, like whatever the opposite of Dogecoin is. Sunday is a great opportunity for you to relax and catch up on binge watching Sesame Street with the kids in your life. Elmo has some really catchy tunes lately, so you can look forward to those bops being stuck in your head.

Aries

You’re feeling on top of the world this weekend, Aries. Plan on honoring yourself all day Saturday by sleeping in, grabbing lunch and drinks with friends, then coming home early so you can be in bed by 9pm. Honestly, it’s all about balance. Use Sunday to get a head start on something that’s been a goal for awhile, like cooking your way through a complicated Bon Appétit recipe or hand-writing thank-you notes from your wedding two years ago.

Images: Marco Testi / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Maybe We Can Have Nice Things? Weekend Horoscopes April 30-May 2

Well friends, because time is a social construct, we’ve somehow already made it to May again. The fact that we’re already a third of the way through 2021 feels deeply wrong, but there’s nothing we can do about it, so this weekend we’ll just do our best to go with the flow. Europe just announced that vaccinated Americans can travel there over the summer; we haven’t had to use the phrase “the President tweeted…” in, like, a while; and our summer is looking up. Maybe the stars will align for a chill, relaxing weekend, too? Let’s dive in.

Taurus

Jazz snaps for you, Taurus! This weekend is going to be, as the kids say, “lit.” Plan to get out with friends on Saturday and, if you’re fully vaccinated, ditch the mask for outdoor hangs where you can actually SHOW OFF YOUR DOPE LIPSTICK. OMFG. Sunday, your boss may reach out with weekend work or a question, but it’s best to balance your professional self with some self-care (i.e. answer your boss or deal with projects while having a glass of wine).

Gemini

Try not to bicker this weekend, Gemini. The passion you feel could either start a fight over nothing, or be repurposed into some very good, very weird sexual energy. Lean into that sh*t. Things will calm down Sunday, and it’s a good opportunity to get out of the house and enjoy nature solo.

Cancer

Friday will end the workweek on a high note before you sprint into a romantic weekend, Cancer. You’ll be passionate, but volatile, so avoid topics with your S.O. that tend to start fights. Remember to pick your battles. Plan some time with friends on Saturday so you can take a breather before heading back home. Communication will be better on Sunday, so if you do need to pick a fight about something important—like how he hasn’t been showing enough interest in your dog’s daycare report cards—you’ll more easily find the words to get your point across.

Leo

Get creative af this weekend, Leo. The moon wants you to get your hands dirty, so maybe it’s time to tackle that kitchen reno, or like, something smaller, like replacing the knob that snagged your fav pants and tore a hole. Sunday will actually be a great day to convince your friend or partner to help you with said project, since the moon is making you smooooooth with your words and negotiation skills.

Virgo

Stay home and snuggle up in your sweatpants in the AC, Virgo. Even if it’s beautiful outside, it’s cool to stay on the couch and admire from afar. Less allergies to contend with, right? Yeah. Like literally everyone else, you could experience some tongue-tying in the beginning of the weekend, leading to misunderstandings. The best solution? Don’t f*cking talk to people after work on Friday, and keep your lips closed until Saturday night. That’ll teach the stars to f*ck with us.

Libra

Overall, you’re in for a nice, boring lil weekend, Libra. Shocker—spirits are high on Friday after work, and it’s a good night to go out and grab a bite with friends. Saturday, you may experience a bit of a mood shift because #planets , but it should die down in time for you to enjoy a quiet night at home with good, greasy Mexican food and a Netflix murder doc.

Scorpio

Maybe like, isolate yourself a little this weekend, Scorpio—at least on Friday and part of Saturday. The planets are gearing up to make anything you say come off meaner than usual, so sensitive friends beware. Instead, use your energy to do something artsy and creative, like painting your boyfriend’s car with watercolors or creating a sculpture out of face masks, IDFK. Communication gets back on track on Sunday, so call your mom and ask about the money she still owes you from your 15th birthday party.

Sagittarius

Money and material are the theme for the weekend, Sagittarius. Start the weekend off right by not adding an extra appetizer to your DoorDash order on Friday night. It’s those kinds of adult decisions (that, and avoiding avocado toast) that’ll clearly set you up for success long-term. Saturday and Sunday the responsibility continues, so try not to blow money on dumb sh*t. Instead, strong-arm your friends into buying you drinks if you go out.

Capricorn

Steer clear of topics that will cause disagreements in the beginning of the weekend, Capricorn, because come the end of the weekend, you’ll be really putting that communications degree to good use. If your schedule and vaccine status allow, head out of town with your S.O. and soak in the scenery away from home. Taking a breath of fresh non-stale non-house/apartment air will do you both good.

Aquarius

Avoid work drama on Friday, Aquarius, unless you want more work over the weekend. Stay out of office politics completely, and scoot out early to snag drinks with a friend. Saturday is for sleeping in and exploring whatever weird dreams you’ve been having lately. Who knows, the universe could give you some weird insight into the important convos you need to have with a close friend or family member on Sunday.

Pisces

Like everyone else, there’s potential for some disagreement on Friday and Saturday, Pisces, so we recommend drinking to the point of blackout one or both days so you and your bestie/S.O. don’t remember what you argued about. Honestly, that seems like a solid solution. The rest of the weekend should be spent nursing a hangover and driving the struggle bus before you head back to a SH*TTY workweek on Monday. Godspeed.

Aries

Have fun this weekend, Aries. Ya know, avoid drama, grab drinks, befriend your Uber driver, make out with a stranger—don’t, no, wait—not yet. Soon. Plan to enjoy the weather with a low-key dinner and drinks party outdoors with a few close friends. You can test out that f*cking banana bread recipe you absolutely perfected in quarantine.

Images: Belle Ensor / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Sometimes Self-Care Is Ghosting Everyone: Weekend Horoscopes April 23-25

V soon the horoscopes will be delivered right to your inbox twice a week. Sign up for our Blame It On Retrograde newsletter now to be the first to know when it launches.

Bye, Aries! Take your toxic moods and GET. It seems like, even though Aries has left the building, we’re still going to be dealing with some nasty moods this weekend, thanks to the Libra moon. We recommend puppies, long walks, vacations in Bora Bora, and having millions of dollars. Okay, so only half of that list is actually doable. Puppies and long walks it is!

Taurus

It’s your time to shine, Taurus, so try to make it worthwhile this weekend by leaving the couch, eating something other than your microwave cooking for once (sad!), and not checking your work email. You’ll have a surplus of energy this weekend, so spend it on some sort of creative endeavor on Saturday. Paint a picture, do chalk art in your driveway—IDFC. The moon is actually going to help you reach a goal come Sunday, so why not combine the two and start some sort of house DIY Saturday then threaten your S.O. until he finishes it on Sunday? Goal achieved!

Gemini

It’s totally grool if you want to be a homebody this weekend, Gemini. The universe wants you to put on your sh*ttiest sweatpants and clean your house just so you can feel accomplished, which is like, really thoughtful. Beware, though—the stars may have you feeling frustrated for no reason Saturday morning, so if you’re starting to identify with the serial killers on the murder docs you’re watching, it could be time to step away and take a bath/drink a bottle of wine/go for a jog.

Cancer

Give yourself some time, space, and allowance to ghost literally everyone this weekend, Cancer. You’ll find the need to pull away, so if eating lunch solo at a nice f*cking restaurant for brunch on Saturday just so you can experience some goddamn peace and quiet feels right—go for it. Luckily, by Sunday you’ll feel able to interact with other human beings, so maybe you can muster the energy to grab a seltzer with a friend.

Leo

Money, #mood, and your mouth can sum up your weekend Leo. First, keep an eye on your finances—things could go poorly if you decide to blow a ton of money on something you don’t need. I know the Reformation dress is cute, but you have nowhere to wear it. Secondly, you’ll feel the need to communicate a lot this weekend, but the stars are making your words extra spicy, and not in a cute way. Watch your mouth, and watch your money.

Virgo

After work on Friday, spend some time spoiling yourself, Virgo. Take the long way home, listen to weird music, spend quality time with your sex toys—whatever gets you going. On Saturday, the moon in Libra is making you feel too many feelings, so try to relax and hang around people who are least likely to get on your nerves. That sh*t luckily passes by Sunday, and you’ll be back to kicking ass and not cry over dumb sh*t.

Libra

You’d think that the moon in your sign this weekend would be awesome, Libra, but you could be wrong. You’ll have some wacky dreams Friday, so plan to sleep late on Saturday in an effort to stay in that dream world where you’re banging Brad Pitt and avoid the feelings-fest that’s due to happen Saturday. Try not to pick fights; they’re liable to blow tf up. Things should cool down by Sunday, so if you did start a fight, we suggest making it up to that person with a bottle of wine, or something equally heartfelt.

Scorpio

See some friends, do some stuff, and drink a drink, Scorpio. This weekend starts off with a desire to be social, so plan an evening out for Friday with some close friends. Saturday you’ll actually want to be away from people, so, all the more reason to go hard Friday night so you can nurse your hangover the day after. Sunday, the solitude mood continues, so get some organizing out of the way and weed through your pajama collection. If it’s more than 10 years old, it’s time to say bye.

Sagittarius

Get mad, Sagittarius. The moon vs. your own star vibes on Friday may result in a sh*tty mood, but luckily by Saturday morning you should be back on your regular bullsh*t (the fun kind). It’s actually a good few days to try and accomplish a goal. So, if you’ve been trying to run a mile in under 15 minutes, bake a cake without burning it, or finish a Netflix series in one sitting, it’s your time to shine.

Capricorn

Deal with all the sh*t you’ve been putting off, Capricorn. Or, at least whatever you can manage to take care of in one weekend. Maybe you can manage to take the trash out AND mail a return. Saturday you may want to be wary of your words, as they could start a fight between you and your S.O. Be extra nice to them this weekend—they’re going to be feeling a little delicate. If you’re bored on Sunday, peruse stocks that Reddit tells you to buy. Maybe you’ll stumble on the next Dogecoin.

Aquarius

Check in on any shared assets you have with your partner this weekend, Aquarius. Maybe you can get your adult on and refinance your house or pay off one of your student loans (lol). Give yourself space, though, if you start feeling extra irritable. The moon and Mars are teaming up to make you feel extra moody.

Pisces

Plan a date night, Pisces. It’s been a while since you had a night out with your S.O., so make it a point to get away in the romantic sense on Friday or Saturday night. The passion can go either way, though, so choose your battles and don’t pick at dumb sh*t to start a fight, even though being right is *the best*. If you’re single, plan a few outings where you can easily run into people (with masks on) and potentially bump into someone special. Not like, literally though, because #pandemic.

Aries

Take care of yourself this weekend, Aries. If you’ve been uber focused on work lately, it’s time to step back and do something else—especially on Saturday. Unplug, go for a run, or just zone out while eating pizza and rewatching Puppy Dog Pals with your kid. There’s potential for a fight on Sunday with your partner, so try to avoid confrontation even if he’s being an idiot.

Images: Mike Von / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Maybe Try Therapy: Weekend Horoscopes April 16-18

V soon you’ll be able to get your horoscopes delivered right to your inbox twice a week. Sign up for our Blame It On Retrograde newsletter now to be the first to know when it launches.

Welp, here we are again, praying that the universe is kind this weekend and that Aries—that tricky, fickle bitch—doesn’t cause unnecessary drama, fights, or #feelings just because it doesn’t have any zodiac friends. Like, don’t take it out on us, Aries. Maybe it’s time you gave therapy a try.

Anyway, maybe this is the weekend that things go super right and everyone is in a great mood? We can hope.

Aries

It’s probably best you aren’t around people the first half of the weekend, Aries, since you’re likely to blow up and say mean, hurtful things without really meaning them. Luckily, by Saturday evening the fog will have lifted and you’ll be sorta nice again. Use Sunday to rearrange sh*t in your house so you can feel like you paid someone a bunch of money for interior design work. It’ll be fun.

Taurus

Your brain won’t STFU or turn off this weekend Taurus, and although that’s usually really f*cking annoying, you should use it to your own benefit. If you’ve been trying to impress your boss, tackle that work project you’ve been putting off. If you hate work and are looking for your big break, this weekend is the time to write your memoir or pursue becoming some kind of influencer. Idk if it’ll work (probs not), but the stars are telling you to believe in yourself, so go for it.

Gemini

You’re dying to be the life of the party, so head out somewhere you can socially distance on Saturday and surround yourself (from six feet away) with people who will soak up your awesomeness. Sunday is all about adult sh*t, though, so stick close to home and go through your spending from the last week. You may find that you’ve gone a little off the rails with takeout this month, so maybe it’s time to research meal planning and easy recipes.

Cancer

Chill tf out, Cancer. You may have some trouble powering down on Friday night, but if you can’t sleep, maybe you can do something productive, like a puzzle, or the dishes that have been there since Tuesday. Saturday will be much more relaxed, so plan on sticking close to home and wearing a lot of stretchy loungewear.

Leo

You’re dying to be social this weekend, Leo, so make plans with some friends after work on Friday and find a restaurant or bar where you can tip well, support local, and get maybe a little bit tipsy. Nurse your hangover on Saturday with some much needed r&r in the form of Netflix murder mysteries, then head to bed early because the universe wants to fill your head with some weird dreams.

Virgo

Work sucks, Virgo, and you’re kind of fighting the urge to let a string of inappropriate no-no words fly at your boss on Friday. Calm down, leave, and use the weekend to recharge, update that resume, and try to get your head around the whole situation. The moon is like, “talk to a friend,” so take that advice and call up some of your favs for a “what would you do” chat.

Libra

Consider the stars your excuse for getting off the couch this weekend, Libra. Plan a long hike (maybe, like, with wine at the end as a reward) so you can be one with nature on Saturday, and make a conscious effort to keep your phone/computer/screens off and away for at least the day. You may have to deal with some work stuff on Sunday, but it won’t be anything you can’t handle after a margarita or two.

Scorpio

If something has been bothering you, get to the bottom of it this weekend, Scorpio. Maybe you’ve wanted to tackle a few subjects with your S.O., like vacuuming duties or how often he’s been doing Zoom happy hours. Just keep it light, and you should be able to weed through some bullsh*t. Sunday is for funsies, so make time to go out and grab a glass or wine with a friend.

Sagittarius

You’ll need some deep breathing in order to not be the next subject of a murder doc this weekend, Sagittarius. Your S.O. is going to get on your last f*cking nerve, so instead of screaming through it, just get out of the house for the day. Plan a dinner out with your partner on Sunday once you’ve both had some time to breathe and be apart. Maybe some weird makeup sex thrown in for good measure? Idk, you do you.

Capricorn

Ignore work drama, Capricorn, even if a parking lot fist fight between those two toxic bros in accounting is A+ entertainment heading into the weekend. Saturday the moon is all about highlighting your partnerships, so whether you’re in a committed relationship, need time with your bestie, or want to schedule a mommy date, set a few hours aside to be with someone whose company you enjoy.

Aquarius

Sexy times are in store this weekend, Aquarius. If you’re in a relationship, schedule a date night with your S.O. either at your fav restaurant or at home with pizza, sweats, and a movie you can text through. Then, plan a long, fun romp in bed. You deserve it. If you’re single, now is absolutely the time to meet up with your Tinder crush. Keep it casual, like a few beers at a brewery, a walk in the park, or a nacho-eating contest. It could lead to big sh*t.

Pisces

You may feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster this weekend, Pisces. Instead of blowing up at your friends and fam, use your creative, moody energy to do hot girl sh*t around the house, like painting a wall, refurbishing that old dresser, or just perusing home improvement boards on Pinterest. Even if your project doesn’t end up like your vision, at least you’ll have kept from having dumb arguments with people you actually like.

V soon you’ll be able to get your horoscopes delivered right to your inbox twice a week. Sign up for our Blame It On Retrograde newsletter now to be the first to know when it launches.

Images: Brian Wangenheim / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Don’t Catch Flights *Or* Feelings: Weekend Horoscopes April 9-11

Want horoscopes delivered straight to your inbox twice a week? You’ll be able to get that v soon. Sign up here to be the first to know about it.

The weekend is here, the weather isn’t horrible, people are getting vaccinated, and maybe, just maybe, there’s some light at the end of the this long, sh*tty tunnel. Idk about you, but the prospect of going on vacation or lying on a beach is really starting to appeal to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love social distancing and telling strangers to step back every chance I get. I’ll probably do it for the rest of my life. It just might be nice to do that in a different location, you know? Anyway, here’s what the stars predict for you this weekend.

Aries

Work from home on Friday so you can be ready to tear sh*t up Saturday and Sunday. The moon is playing nice this weekend, so plan to make big changes—from your curtains, to your hair, to your attitude about your job. Whether you do better tackling large life feelings and changes alone or with friends is up to you—just be ready to be in your existential feelings about who you are and wtf you’re doing.

Taurus

Emotional rollercoasters ahead, Taurus. Plan to spend some time powering down this weekend and reconnecting with nature, since your moods are about to be all over the f*cking place. Maybe try journaling under a tree, or relaxing in a hammock, or getting blackout at a winery. You do you. Just prepare for the the onslaught of emotions.

Gemini

The Aries moon is making you feel a little off this weekend, Gemini, so don’t be surprised if you’re extra touchy, sensitive, or snappy around friends and fam. Plan on using Saturday to quietly clean or watch a bunch of murder docs. Sunday can be for catching up on work emails, laying in the sun, and spending quality time with your dog.

Cancer

Get out, enjoy the weather, and live a little, Cancer. This weekend the moon is actually making decent moves for you, and you’ll be the center of attention and the life of the party wherever you end up. Host a grill-centric dinner party Saturday with a few close friends, or plan on morning brunch with your besties Sunday. Just make sure you get a good amount of rest, relaxation, and play in; this next work week is going to blow.

Leo

Energy is your middle name this weekend, Leo. You’re going to want to tackle all the things, from deep cleaning your apartment to f*cking off in Target for hours to calling your mom to having marathon sex with your partner. Chill out, and choose like, maybe one or two things to focus on. Sleeping in on Saturday is actually going to be way better than spending your paycheck on sh*t you don’t need.

Virgo

Mars and Neptune are f*cking sh*t up in regards to you knowing what you want, Virgo. Take some time Friday night to be alone and do the whole introspection thing. Wake up on Saturday ready to communicate with your partner about what you really need in your relationship. The stars may actually help you get get it.

Libra

It’s all about relationships this weekend, Libra. If you’ve been meaning to delve into deep sh*t with your S.O., or have a come-to-Jesus moment with your mom, or maybe cut that toxic friend out of your life, this is the weekend to do it. Time alone on Friday to get your thoughts together before any big convos could be helpful, so maybe book yourself a yoga class complete with a solo wine and dine for the evening.

Scorpio

Even though everyone else is on the struggle bus during Aries season, you seem to be thriving, Scorpio. Take advantage of your good mood and call up some of your favs to hang with this weekend. An outdoor porch with bottomless mimosas sounds primo. Use Sunday to take some time for yourself before the Monday work meltdown hits.

Sagittarius

Hooray for creativity, Sagittarius. Get your HGTV on and do some projects around the house or outdoors. Maybe it’s time to head to Home Depot and figure out how to make a container garden on your patio that’ll piss your downstairs neighbors off! If you’re not into planting sh*t or are afraid of horticultural murder, maybe opt for painting a picture or drawing something for your S.O. He’ll love that.

Capricorn

Avoid drama and be nice this weekend, Capricorn. The Aries planets are making you miserable and liable to start a fight, just like the rest of us. But they’re also highlighting family, so instead of arguing about sh*t, make a genuine effort to be compassionate, say nice things, and scream into a pillow instead of into someone’s face. It’s all about balance.

Aquarius

Grab your favorite person and head out on a short weekend trip, Aquarius. The universe is pushing you to leave the couch and explore, and since you can’t really book a trip to Bali right now without everyone thinking you’re an asshole, maybe a quick drive to that cute mountain town a few hours away will abate your wanderlust for a hot sec. It will also help you feel closer to whichever friend, S.O., or family member you decide to drag with you.

Pisces

Pay attention to money this weekend, Pisces. More so than keeping track of your budget and not blowing your paycheck on sh*t you don’t need, it may be a good time to explore stocks and investing in something a teeny bit risky and something super safe. Ask your friend in finance if you need advice and don’t pull out of your 401(k).

Want horoscopes delivered straight to your inbox twice a week? You’ll be able to get that v soon. Sign up here to be the first to know about it.

Images: Brock Wegner / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Keep Your Sh*t In Check: Weekend Horoscopes March 26-28

Welcome to the season of Aries, a zodiac sign that, like my 16-month old, seems to revel in presenting sass and attitude to deal with everyday problems. I see you, Aries. Live your truth. The rest of us will be on an emotional rollercoaster this weekend, it seems, although communication and romance are not looking horrible for most of us. Silver linings! Let’s dive in.

Aries

Steer clear of people and things while you’re in a bad f*cking mood all damn weekend, Aries. Like, it’s best if you make a mimosa and sit on your porch/balcony/floor and calm down. You can also try and burn off that rage by running on a treadmill or letting your mom talk at you for a few hours. Both burn calories. I think.

Taurus

Take time to do the sh*t you really enjoy this weekend, Taurus. Like, sure, your Crockpot is great, but maybe this is the weekend to tackle that multi-level Dobos torte you saw on Great British Baking Show. Maybe cooking between one and five of Julia Child’s original recipes is something you’ve wanted to do for, like, ever? Even if you mess up, doing an activity that gets you away from binging episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives will be worth it.

Gemini

Treat yourself to some alone time this weekend, Gemini. Yeah, it’s nice to get away, but the real purpose here is to keep you away from drama on Saturday. If you get involved, it’s going to be a Teresa/NJ Housewives situation. You are in a good spot to get sexy and sassy with your partner, though, so maybe channel the drama into the bedroom in the form of some role play.

Cancer

Break out the helping hands, Cancer, cause you’re all about being nice this weekend. Those feelings will prove useful throughout Saturday and Sunday, since the moon will be pushing you to tidy up the house in the name of spring cleaning. You’ll also feel the urge to reach out to family members that need a little extra comfort right now.

Leo

Use your words, Leo. This weekend, the stars want you to use all your powers in the realm of communication to tell your fam, friends, partner, etc. how you feel. The universe is actually going to align to help you perfectly express yourself, so take advantage of that sh*t. Like, if you’re given the powers of communication and a strong grasp of language, don’t use it to argue with dumbasses on the local news’ Facebook page (even though that can be super fun).

Virgo

You’re feeeeeling yourself this weekend, Virgo. Own that sh*t and grab some friends to bask in your awesomeness with you. Just watch what you say—your words, thanks to the moon, have some power behind them this weekend, so be careful not to be flippant or nastier than usual. Luckily, by Sunday you’ll still be feeling confident, but your words aren’t as likely to piss people off.

Libra

Relationships, ahoy, Libra. You’ll be super focused on your romantic relationship this weekend as well as how you’re treating yourself. Are you being nice? Taking care of yourself? Are you listening when your partner talks to you? Do you cheer him on when he’s playing Mario Kart or Call of… Whatever? Time for the important convos.

Scorpio

You’re so in tune with your feelings this weekend, Scorpio. Celebrate by not crying into a pillow and, instead, shouting out your front door about how great you are. It’s also a prime weekend to treat yourself. Go for a spa day or just lie in bed and shop online for a few hours. I mean, it is tax refund season…

Sagittarius

Frustration is fun, isn’t it, Sagittarius? Yeah, well, get ready for a boatload of that sh*t this weekend, thanks to the moon f*cking with your feelings and making things hard for you. The good news is that this can be somewhat solved with friends and day drinking! Make plans and leave your moodiness at the door.

Capricorn

Travel this weekend, Capricorn—especially if you can do so safely (see: wearing a mask and not being an asshole) and responsibly. Maybe that cute town a few hours away has been calling to you. Or maybe it’s time to say f*ck it and drive across the country, eating your way through the states that no one cares about unless they love greasy food.

Aquarius

Check in on your money matters, Aquarius. It’s better that you take a look at your spending before your dad does when he helps file your taxes this year. Like, it’s best we just avoid that discussion about responsibility all together, right? Sunday, it’s best to chill at home, order in, and kick your feet up. The upcoming week is going to be emotionally exhausting.

Pisces

Get weird with your S.O., Pisces. It’s been a while since the two of you unplugged and just spent an evening or full day soaking up each other’s awesomeness, so plan for a fun date night, cuddling, movies, and lots of interesting sex, k? The stars are also pushing the two of you to tackle some joint projects and adult sh*t together, so maybe it’s time you created that joint checking account? Or don’t. He doesn’t need to see all the weird sh*t you buy.

Images: Alvin Balemesa  / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Spring Has Sprung, But Do We Care? Weekend Horoscopes March 19-21

Hope everyone had a great quarantine-iversary last weekend. I personally can’t wait to do literally nothing different this weekend, since most people haven’t been vaccinated yet and I’ve learned to accept the revolving line of loungewear, house sweaters, and joggers I’m living in. My hair looks great in a braid, and my skin is glowing from the lack of caring. Amazing; feeling hashtag blessed.

Anyway, maybe the stars have something more interesting in store considering it’s FINALLY the start of spring?

Pisces

If you’ve been debating a big purchase like a car, house, or publicist so you can finally fulfill your dream of becoming an influencer, this weekend is the time to really examine your finances and take the plunge if you’re ready. I mean, don’t blow your life savings if deep down it feels like a stupid venture, but if it seems worthwhile and very #adulty, go for it. Sunday is for reeling after said financial decision and lying low with fam and friends.

Aries

You’re a ball of energy after work Friday and carrying into Saturday, Aries. Make the most of it and do something other than keeping your TV company. Get out for a hike in the name of spring, chug a green beer a few days late, or show those weeds in the front yard who’s f*cking boss. Sunday is for family, but beware the planets tempting you with drama. Stay out of it, even if you’re dying to weigh in.

Taurus

Sleep in, relax, and greet spring that same way you’ve greeted all the other seasons this past year, Taurus: comfortably. The universe may send you some wacky dreams, so if you wake up in a sweat after night terrors of your dog discussing stock options with you while the walls ooze slime, chill out. Not everything has deeper meaning.

Gemini

Treat yourself with weekend plans, friends, and family, Gemini. Celebrate spring by planning a picnic, making your S.O. barbecue for your friends, or figuring out how to create a new drinking game with your neighbors. If you’re still in the mood to be social on Sunday, do something chill like lying outside, heading out for a walk, or going urban hiking through Target with your mom.

Cancer

Friday may be the end of the work week, but the stars are making sure you end it on a high note when it comes to professional sh*t, Cancer. If you feel like you should stay late to finish a project, answer an email, or help a teammate—do it. It may pay off later. Use the rest of the weekend, though, for you and all the trash TV, non-work emails, and garbage food you want.

Leo

Broaden your horizons, Leo. If you’ve been wanting to pick back up Duolingo and learn French, try that new Oaxacan restaurant in town, or finally use your gym membership, f*cking go for it this weekend and do it all. Jupiter and the moon want you to tackle everything you can and—even if you can’t quite fit it all in the schedule—will totally help you achieve at least, like, half.

Virgo

Time to team up with your S.O. for some kind of cute, sexy adventure, Virgo. If you can safely get away for the weekend, the stars will be aligned for you two to have an amazing time. Can’t leave the house? It’s also a great opportunity to tackle some sort of house project together—less yelling, more nailing, ya know? On Sunday, the moon wants you to call up your besties that you haven’t talked to in awhile, so after all the nailing, make some time for them.

Libra

The sun is highlighting love in every form this weekend, Libra. If you’re paired up, this is a great chance to reconnect with your partner over things you BOTH love, like murder documentaries, cheap tacos, and sweatpants (I assume). If you’re single, get to swiping or take your friend up on meeting that guy she thinks you’ll love, even though it’ll require you to brush out the messy bun you’ve been rocking for three days.

Scorpio

How’s that lifestyle treating you, Scorpio? Take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror this weekend, and adjust your self-love routines accordingly. Are you giving yourself enough time to: read? NOT scroll through your phone? Relax? Exercise? Eat something that isn’t microwaved leftovers? Be harsh but fair.

Sagittarius

If you’re feeling creative, embrace that sh*t this weekend, Sagittarius. Paint a picture of a butterfly. Get into really weird sexual positions with your S.O. Create a sculpture out of taco meat, idfk. While you’re basking in this artistic renaissance, the stars will also be highlighting partnership, so be sure to include whoever that means in your endeavors, regardless of how weird.

Capricorn

Time for some spring cleaning, Capricorn. There have been a ton of videos and how-tos floating around lately for how to get your home at its ULTIMATE clean. Go ahead and lean into that vibe by bleaching, vinegaring, and wiping f*cking everything. Heck, clean out your closet while you’re at it. You’re not going to wear (translation: fit into) that bandage skirt from college again. Time to give it up.

Aquarius

Speak your truth this weekend, Aquarius. If you’ve been wanting to have a hard convo with your S.O., mom, or bestie, this is the time to do it, since the stars are all aligned on people actually f*cking listening to you. You’ll also be feeling extra passionate, so just be careful not to get *too* carried away in your arguments. You could ruffle some feathers, and no one wants any added drama.

Images: Giphy (12)

No Places To Go, No People To See: Weekend Horoscopes March 5-7

Well, here we are in March again. Pop quiz: did it ever really STOP being March? Experts say no, it f*cking did not, and my wardrobe, unused makeup, incredible savings on gas, and mask-acne offer a lot of evidence to support that conclusion. But after these 12 dark months of March, it seems like there’s finally a slight, dim light at the end of the tunnel. It could be a train, but let’s think optimistically. Are the stars as optimistic about your upcoming weekend? Let’s find out.

Pisces

Take a long, hard look at your current job situation, Pisces. Is this where you see yourself in ten years? Are you happy? Are you consistently frustrated at your boss’s passive aggressive jabs? The moon and a few of its planetary buddies are lining up this weekend to provide you with new opportunities, so we’d suggest updating your resume, taking that weird pic off LinkedIn, and applying for some new sh*t. After all that professional nonsense, make time to snuggle with your besties on Sunday.

Aries

GTFO of the house this weekend, Aries. The moon will be filling your head with visions of adventure, so call out of work on Friday and book a few nights’ stay at an Airbnb somewhere close, but not too close. Getting away from your surroundings for a few days will do wonders for your mental health, and, like maybe your skin, too.

Taurus

Venus is giving you a rough start to the weekend, so don’t be surprised if you get into a fight with a friend. Instead of picking at it, walk away and leave each other alone until you don’t feel like you’re on an emotional rampage. The rest of the weekend should be smooth sailing, so make a point to schedule a date night (finally) with your S.O., or just order takeout and watch a murder mystery.

Gemini

Get ready for a f*cking great weekend, Gemini. The planets have decided to cut you some slack, so you can look forward to feeling happy, optimistic, and ready for whatever comes your way. On Friday, focus on your S.O. and spoil them a little. Order their fav food, wear the sweats they find the cutest, and let them watch something other than reruns of Real Housewives. Saturday and Sunday are all about intimacy, so continue pouring effort into your relationship and reaping the sweet, sexy rewards.

Cancer

It’s shaping up to be a nice lil weekend, Cancer. On Friday and Saturday, focus on you and your own mental health. You’ve been helping everyone around you lately, and it’s time for some R&R in the form of treating yourself. Saturday night and Sunday, once you’re feeling refreshed, is for focusing on and spending time with your S.O. You can look forward to zero stupid fights this weekend, and lots of cuddling.

Leo

Passion and creativity start out the weekend, Leo, so if you’ve been dying to tackle a DIY project that truly #inspired you from Instagram, I guess now’s the time to start it (then call your dad to finish it). Saturday evening and Sunday will shine a light on your health and wellbeing, so maybe it’s time to actually use that gym membership if you feel like it would a) get you out of the house and b) help you feel better about yourself.

Virgo

You’re like, full of ideas this weekend, Virgo. If you’ve needed some inspo at work, have been searching for recipes to experiment with, or needed the push to start your autobiography, then keep a notepad close by all day Saturday since the “ah-ha” moment is sure to strike. You’ll also want to focus on family this weekend, so plan on a trip to see mom and dad if you’re able to safely.

Libra

In typical Libra fashion, you’re all about being a social butterfly this weekend. Connect with friends and make plans to head out for lunch, dinner, brunch, or some sort of booze-filled combo of all three. While you’re nursing your hangover on Sunday, your attention will turn to your nest and favorite people, so try not to take it out on them that you went too hard the day before.

Scorpio

What means the most to you, Scorpio? Is it stuff? Is it people? Is it your environment? Do a little soul-searching this weekend and figure out where your values lie. While you’re wondering about existential sh*t, you may feel the pull to spend a sh*tload of money. Try and like, don’t. Instead, use the moon’s energy on Saturday night to connect with your S.O. and live vicariously through a House Hunters marathon.

Sagittarius

You’re feeeeeeeling yourself this weekend, Sagittarius, so make plans to get out and share your joy with others. Make an effort for real plans with your coworkers if you’re sick of your actual friends (it happens). Grab that beer and talk sh*t about whatshisname or how spreadsheets are the worst. It’ll be fun. The rest of the weekend throws your finances into focus, so be an adult and get your tax info together before you dad yells at you again.

Capricorn

Pay attention to one of your dreams this weekend, Capricorn. If nothing else, it means that sleeping in and telling your friends you can’t go out because the universe has messages for you is a totally acceptable way to cancel plans. The moon is also sending high self-esteem vibes, so don’t be surprised if you suddenly have the urge to get headshots done so you can admire yourself.

Aquarius

Friendship and being nice are on deck this weekend, Aquarius. Combine the two and go out for brunch and don’t drunkenly hit on the waiter! Or, do something even better, like volunteering with friends at an animal shelter where you can walk a bunch of lonely puppies. You’ll also want to pay attention to your dreams this weekend, so keep your Notes app open next to your bed so you can write about all the weird sh*t that goes on in your head at night.

Images: Giphy (12)