For girls who never had brothers got into sports, football season can be boring af difficult. Like, on the one hand you don’t want to miss out on important social events just because you don’t understand what’s going on. On the other hand, you’re a grown-ass woman and have no intention of learning about football ever. Like, if your one sporty friend, every man you’ve ever met, and Friday Night Lights couldn’t get you to give a fuck, then it’s not going to happen now. Watching football for a non-football fan is honestly like having an English major go to medical school. What do these lines mean? Who are these people, and why are they running? How do these points work? Is there a God, and if so, why didn’t he gift me with the mental capacity to understand a game that literally every dumbass in my life understands? These are just a few of the questions that are raised during your average football game. Speaking of which, how fucking long is a football game? Based on my research, they are a minimum of 20 hours long, with a potential to go longer. If you’ve ever been stuck watching football with a group of dudes you’re only semi-interested in boning, this video is for you:
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It might even trick a few non-readers football fans into thinking you’re one of them.
Congratulations, Libra! It’s your birthday month, which means we’re taking a little time out of the day to celebrate all the things that make you, you—aka the arbitrary placement of the stars and planets as they correspond to the date and time of your birth. Make sure you take some time this month to do all of your favorite things, such as avoiding conflict at all costs, juggling multiple active group chats (how you do this I’ll never know), and taking 10 years to figure out what you’re going to order at brunch. Your sign is represented by the scales of justice, which is why you’re the go-to person for settling any disputes within your friend group. This can be exhausting (How many times can you tell Bestie #1 that it was kind of fucked up for her to hook up with Bestie #2’s ex, even if they were at Coachella?), but you low-key love the work. If you’re on the market for a b-day hookup (Aren’t we all?), set your sights on a wealthy 6 ft-or-above bro born under the signs of Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius. Be sure to avoid fuckboys from Cancer and Capricorn like the fucking plague. Or don’t. It’s your birthday month. You’re allowed to fuck make mistakes.
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There is one unspoken rule about watching The Bachelor that every good member of Bach nation must adhere to: Nobody talks about how unrealistic it is. It’s a silent pact among Bachelor, Bachelorette, and BiP watchers that we’re all just not going to talk about how none of this stuff makes any sense. Like, here we are all watching The Bachelorette finale and shading Peter for not wanting to get engaged when in fact his stance would be 100% reasonable in any other situation. And let’s not even get started on what a real human woman would do if a guy suggested parasailing or whatever the fuck for their first date. Like, maybe we can just go to a bar and save the zero gravity plane ride for after we’ve been dating for a while and I know what your dick is like? Thanks. And sure, in the back of our minds we all know that at least half these people are only in it for the Fit Tea endorsements, but it’s something about The Bachelor’s constant sexy lighting and use of mood music that makes us forget that literally none of this would fly in real life.
But like, what would happen if a guy acted like The Bachelor IRL? Check out this video to find out:
Sadly, this season of The Bachelorette is coming to a close. We all learned a lot, mostly about implicit racial biases and what cheek implants look like, but that’s still a lot. Soon, we’ll know who Rachel has chosen *cough* BRYAN *cough* and we’ll be ready to move onto the next phase of The Bachelor franchise aka Bachelor In Paradise aka the best of all Bachelor Nation shows. Now that the scandal is behind them (is it??? idk), BiP will finally be able to focus on the beloved personalities that make them shitloads of money America has grown to love. Anyone who is a long time Bachelor fan knows the general categories that every person who agrees to fall in love on television and propose to a relative stranger falls into. There are the openly crazy ones, the subtly crazy ones, the ones who you really don’t feel like are crazy but then again they’re on The Bachelor so something must be wrong with them, and the dental hygienists. Season after season we inevitably are tricked into caring about these gorgeous idiots and their love lives, so much so that suddenly it’s the “Men Tell All” and you’re literally crying over Dean and his adorable camo suit jacket, a phrase you’d never thought you’d say.
Lucky for us, we here at Betches got a sneak peek at some of the incredible personalities we’re likely to see on the forthcoming season of The Bachelor, and we’re ready to share them with you. Check out our video below.
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It’s summer. You wake up in the morning and smoke weed immediately check your weather app to see it’s going to be a very casual 95 degrees. Dope. You put on your shortest lil booty shorts and your cutest tank and head off to work – the office manager can deal with your violations of the dress code later. On your way in you snag the iciest ice coffee, snap a few selfies in the amazing natural light of summer, and wonder if your walk from the train to the office constitutes tanning. Then, disaster strikes. As soon as you step foot into your office building, you suddenly feel like you’ve gone from desert Sahara to Arctic tundra, and you have literally nothing to keep you warm except to heat off your laptop. You run upstairs to your office and immediately dig through your stash of coats, scarves, hats, and mittens. In a matter of seconds, you’ve gone from summer chic to full Eskimo, and you’ll remain that way for the next 6 hours. When it’s time for lunch, you’ll have to take off your many, many layers just to make the trek to your favorite salad bar, and be ready to see your breath again as soon as you step back into the office. Why is every office building like this? Who keeps turning the AC to frozen? Is that permafrost on your desk?
We DK. But if you’re familiar with this feeling, we do know that you’re going to love our latest video. Check it out below:
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The dressing room – it’s either your favorite place on Earth or your literal nightmare. Okay so, 9/10 times it’s going to be the latter. Let’s face it, since the dawn of online shopping (aka buying things you’re not sure will fit so that you can try them on in the comfort of your own home) the dressing room has lost a lot of its glamor. At this point, you’re really only in a dressing room when you’re at a store that’s too boujee for online shopping (congrats) or you’re just like, killing time in a Forever 21 before your next Bumble date (opposite of congrats.) Given that you’re almost always alone in the dressing room, it does provide you with some valuable time to reflect. You’re just alone with your thoughts (and 10 pounds of clothes) in there, so it is a time for some deep personal evaluation. What is “fashion?” Do I look amazing in this peplum top, or do I look totally insane? Is this a skinny mirror? What if I take this home and see it in my regular mirror and home lighting and hate it? Should I just like, get into shoplifting? Whatever your thought process is, there’s one thing that is clear: the dressing room is boring af. Check out our latest video and our new signature online-shopping-only collection at Shop Betches below:
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Ah, salad. You know it’s good for you. You understand it’s life changing benefits. In theory, it is food. But in practice? Hard pass. Any time you order a salad for lunch, you go through four stages. The first is wondering how the fuck something made entirely out of things you can grow in your windowsill costs fifteen dollars. Like, excuse me but don’t mushrooms grow on shit? No bueno. The second, which lasts for about 30 seconds until you actually sit down to eat the thing, is immense personal pride in your good life choices. Are you a health and fitness guru now? Probs. Third is regret. Why did you do this to yourself? Is there anyone on Earth who actually enjoys eating this way? What could have possibly possessed you to get a salad, when a wrap would have been totally acceptable. Never again. Never forget. The final and most critical stage of salad eating usually comes once you realized you ate all of the croutons and there’s nothing left in your shiny plastic bowl but regret. This is the stage where you throw the entire thing in the trash and end up going to Chipotle. At least that shit is worth the $15.
Watch our video, “Internal Thoughts While Eating A Salad,” below!
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The roommate relationship is extremely sacred. (Unless it began on Craigslist, in which case it’s just a miracle you weren’t killed.) You guys literally spend all day breathing the same air, sharing the same shower, and pretending to not hear each other fart cry. It’s like, more intimate than what you have with your favorite fuckboy. So, when your roommate goes and does something legit insane like getting into a relationship, the transition can be hard. Who is going to watch Netflix with me so that I can feel like I’m being social even though I haven’t left my bed in three days?!? And sure, you’re like “happy for her” or whatever, but you can’t help but notice there’s been a serious lack of companionship every since she wifed up. And don’t even get me started on having a new guy in your space all the time. Like, when did we agree it was okay for a man to start using our shower? I’m confused. Before you know it, they’ll be trying to set you up with one of his friends who is desperately single cool enough, and your entire relationship will be reduced to table texting about his B.O. while he’s in the bathroom. Honestly, the entire process of dealing with your roommate’s new boyfriend is an emotional rollercoaster, with many stages.
Check out this video to see exactly what we mean:
