‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Playing The Penis Flute

I just want you all to know that I am writing this week’s Betches Vanderpump Rules recap from my Airbnb at Coachella, which is both a humble brag and a message to you that I am really putting on for my fans. So don’t ever say I don’t care!

Last week, Beau felt battered, Schwartz’s check bounced, nobody wanted to come to Raquel’s puppy party, and Raquel doesn’t know who Charles Manson is (and presumably doesn’t have Google). I also want to take the time to say that while on the west coast, I visited both Sur and Pump! The drinks at Sur were good (I got a $7 vodka cocktail with muddled strawberries during happy hour, which would have regularly been $14), the goat cheese balls were very overrated, and the calamari was exactly what you’d expect from calamari. The decor was also impossibly cheesy and we sat next to a fake birdcage that existed for unknown reasons. At Pump, however, I got dinner (a burger—it did its job), but the service was abysmal. I practically had to hunt down the waiter’s friends and family in order to get him to finally give us our check.

Anyway! Back to the recap.

We open with a very overly produced scene about the gang at Sur coming around corners and yelling “CORNER!” to prove they work there. Methinks the ladies doth protest too much.

We learn that after “taking” See You Next Tuesday from James (really, all she did was organize a replacement for an event that was already DOA), Katie decides she doesn’t want to “be a club promoter,” and for that reason, she doesn’t want to make Girl’s Nights a regular occurrence. It’s too much work for her, apparently, on top of her fake beauty blog business. This is just twisting the knife in James’s already salted wound.

James goes to Sandoval and Ariana’s place, where Sandoval is playing a penis flute. Unfortunately that’s not a metaphor for him blowing Schwartz—it’s actually what is happening.

James sh*t talks the Mexico trip, like he never wanted to go in the first place. You know, how you reject a guy and then he says “f*ck you bitch, I never liked you anyway, you’re fat and ugly”? Exactly like that. James accurately predicts that Schwartz and Katie probably fought the whole time in Mexico, but calls them a “fat old married couple”. Wow, fatness really is his go-to insult, huh? I’ve got to wonder why he is so preoccupied with other people’s weight.

Sandoval and Ariana break the news that James isn’t DJing at Brunch with Billie. But didn’t Lisa already tell him? Also, why are Ariana and Sandoval the ones to tell him this? Should that not be Lisa’s job?

James: This is bullsh*t *leaves the apartment, slamming the door*
Also James, 2 seconds later: No you know what? I just think it’s funny how…

They try to explain to James that since he’s f*cked up before, he’s under a microscope. Unlike everyone else who has f*cked up: Jax, Katie, Lala… hmm.

Stassi is shooting the cover of her book, which I interviewed her about, so that’s coming soon. That’s all I’m gonna say on that.

I guess I’ve kind of missed Stassi’s whole “dark passenger” thing. Is that like, her terrible person alter ego? Should she like… see someone about that? I feel like she should see someone about that. And by someone I mean a mental health professional, not some voodoo wizard, which is what happens later in the episode. I guess I should have been more specific in my earlier advice.

Katie of all people is talking to Beau about self-sabotaging. AND KATIE OF ALL PEOPLE talks about how if Stassi keeps lashing out, she’s going to end up losing the love of her life. I will just frame that irony and let it sit there for y’all. These jokes write themselves at this point, and for that, I am thankful.

Jax and Brittany return to fake therapy, where Brittany brings up that she still has some trust issues. Issues trusting a serial cheating sociopath? I can’t imagine why. Jax says flippantly that she yells at Brittany because “she’s just there”. Sounds like a healthy relationship.

Jax: I’m not saying ‘well I’ve changed! I’m doing better for myself’
Also Jax every single episode before that: I’ve changed, I’m a new person
Everyone Jax has come into contact with: Jax is changed, he’s a new person
Me:

Kristen and Ariana are getting drinks together, which everyone including Sandoval recognizes is very weird. Ariana tells Kristen that it’s the 5 year anniversary of her dad’s death, and Kristen full-on grief tourists this and kind of makes it about her. But I applaud Kristen for acknowledging that she was acting like an asshole and was super selfish back then. Which is more than most of these degenerates can say!

I hate that we get back from commercial break and we are playing Lala’s song, because it means she is getting ready for her show, while she is wearing a shirt of her own face. Confidence goals, or peak narcissism? Lala claims she has cameras set up to live stream the performance because record labels are tuning in. Somehow I doubt that, and by “somehow” I mean “because they are in Los Angeles where most record labels are based and they could easily send someone, an intern or somebody, if they actually wanted to see Lala’s performance.” But how could I forget she is charting on iTunes!

Everyone starts arriving, and don’t think I didn’t notice Jax announcing that he’s ready to celebrate because he finally had a solid poop. Nothing gets past me!

Randall isn’t making it to the party because he can’t contractually be seen with Lala on camera he’s taking his daughters to the Bahamas. But sure, tell me again how supportive he is.

Scheana has somehow inserted herself as a part of Lala’s entourage. Her big contribution is telling Lala to wear a blazer unbuttoned with just a bra underneath. Classic Scheana.

Lala: This show is important to me because I’m releasing a song I wrote about my dad.
Lala at that very moment: *takes her blazer off to reveal just her bra*

I’m just saying if my dad died and I honored him by wearing only a bra in public, he would smite me down from that stage. But Lala does dedicate the song to Jax and Ariana, which is sweet.

Lala and Stassi actually have an honest conversation about alcohol and how it turns Stassi into a monster. This is approaching something towards enlightenment. Then again, there is a whole chapter in Stassi’s book dedicated to how to drink from 10am continuously onto 11pm. Yes, really.

Ariana and Sandoval talk about the moment that Ariana’s dad died, and it’s kind of funny because they’re both trying to act like they didn’t have feelings for each other at that point. It’s not a big deal, you don’t need to rewrite history! We all know what we saw! My favorite moment is probably Ariana saying, through tears, “let’s take a shot for my dad.”

James and Raquel’s puppy party is happening, apparently. So far Raquel’s mom and sister (who look identical) are there. Scheana comes with Adam, probably at knifepoint, Billie comes with Brad, and Graham poops in the middle of the floor. A strong metaphor.

Tom and Ariana do come, along with Peter, who promptly gets hit on by Raquel’s mom.

Actual footage of Raquel’s mom:

Cool mom

Back at Sur where the gang is working their one required shift per season, Lala pulls Scheana aside to tell her that she has a serious problem with alcohol. She admits her anxiety attack in Mexico was 100% driven by alcohol and uppers. She does the most mature thing anyone has ever done in the history of this show and says she can’t mess with alcohol, and this has to be a lifestyle change for her. And you know what, good for Lala. They should all probably be doing the same thing. Lala is all of us, crying, pledging to give up alcohol, dropping some emotional revelation, and then saying “I’m on my period too so this is probably why I’m so upset.” Literally me after I cry about my lack of love life and listen to Khalid’s new album on repeat for four hours. What? Who said that?

Katie and Schwartz drive to the bank to pull out the money Lisa needs for the investment IN CASH. This is literally so typical Schwartzy because instead of actually just doing what is asked to him, he decides to do some unnecessary grand gesture that he saw in a movie that’s clearly just going to make him seem even more immature. Like, why not just get a cashier’s check like a normal adult, that way you don’t have to look over your shoulder for stray muggers? Then again, I doubt Schwartz even knows what those are.

Katie is taking Stassi to see “the oracle of Los Angeles”—I guess there’s only one. I suppose getting your demons literally exorcised is one way to avoid going to therapy. Full disclosure, I am in no way into this type of hocus pocus mumbo jumbo, so I may just skip recapping that part of the episode altogether.

Just kidding, I live to please! And also I’ve been stuck at LAX for the past five hours because Jet Blue kept delaying my flight. LAX is a hellscape and Jet Blue Airlines is Hades. Please send your thoughts and prayers.

Anyway, yeah, so Schwartz is going to hand deliver a briefcase full of cash to Lisa, imagining himself as James Bond, which definitely does not convince me that he is a legitimate and responsible business owner. Schwartz literally rolls up to interrupt Lisa and Ken’s dinner by saying “I wanted to show you that I’m serious” *opens up a briefcase of cash*. Oh, and I’m just now noticing that there are handcuffs on the briefcase for some reason—and I notice that because he handcuffs Lisa to the briefcase.

What, and I cannot stress this enough, the f*ck.

Stassi goes up to the Oracle of Los Angeles’s house, and she’s dressed exactly like I would have thought the Oracle of Los Angeles would. This bitch would fit right in at Coachella. Is she gonna be there weekend two?

I literally STILL can’t believe that Stassi’s solution to dealing with her anger issues is to see a f*cking oracle. Also hearing Katie tell Stassi that if things aren’t going her way it just becomes an issue where everyone is the bad guy is the craziest, richest, most hypocritical soundbite I have ever heard in my life.

Me to Katie:

The Oracle picks up a framed photo of Stassi and Beau and says “it looks like there’s a lot of love between you.” Yeah, no sh*t, lady, you picked up a PicStitch of their most couple-y photos. If I buy a tiny penis statue and state the obvious, can I be an Oracle too? If it means I can go back to Coachella, I’m there. I’m sure there is some overarching meaning behind the multiple penis motifs this episode, but I am far too sleep-deprived to try to find it.

Yeah I mean so this is totally not going to work at all and I’m sure the next time Stassi takes tequila shots she is going to lash out at Beau. Why? Because this is hocus pocus bullsh*t!

Me to the Oracle: 

McLovin

Well, I missed the ending because I totally zoned out because this is all pointless anyway. Whatever! See you all next week!

Images: Bravo (3); Giphy (4)

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Yellow Robe Smith

Goooooood morning Los Angeles!!! I am back for another Betches Vanderpump Rules recap, and I promise I will not pull another stunt like I did last week. Reading all your kind words really inflated my ego touched my heart, and so I will dutifully be here to report on the undertakings of these fake waiters and waitresses until the end of… the season, at least. I can’t promise until the end of time; I’ve got to protect my sanity at some point! Anyway, last week, we ended right smack in the middle of Schwartz and Katie’s fight. All I could think of was Sandoval a few seasons ago, dressed in drag, screaming about Schwartz, “look at him! He’s a f*cking battered wife!”

Also, full disclosure, I wanted to make the title of my recap last week “Katie Is An Emotional Terrorist”, but I figured she might see it and get upset and rage text one of my coworkers. So I’m putting it here for you all to enjoy as a fun little Easter egg, with the hope that she doesn’t read my recaps!

Anyway, this week we start right back in the middle of Schwartz and Katie’s argument. Schwartz calls Katie a “disaster of a human being” which isn’t a good thing to say to your wife but also isn’t a lie. And herein lies the problem: Schwartz asks Katie why she can’t just tell him that she’s upset, and her reply? “I don’t wanna have to tell you!” Look, Schwartz may know how to use the word “cacophony” correctly, but he’s no mind reader. Cut the poor dude a break.

And with that, Schwartz’s two lifetime minutes of standing up for himself are over, and he rolls over with a resigned “Bubbaaa” and plays dead. He’s finally able to elicit an “I” statement out of Katie before she rolls over, clearly exhausted from expressing her feelings like a mature adult one time.

Kristen announces that this is going to be a freakout-free vacay, so I’m starting my stopwatch now to see how long it is before she blows a gasket. Anyone care to place a wager? I’ll say five on-screen minutes.

Lala talks about how she’s in a good mindset and she can drink on this trip, so clearly we have very different ideas of what a healthy mindset is. Just a quick refresher to her aforementioned “healthy mindset” which was anywhere from 2 weeks to a few days ago:

Brittany is still in major key denial, claiming that if she drinks tequila straight-up it won’t irritate her potential ulcer. Hearing Jax tell Britt that he just wants to be healthy, and that he’s not going to tell her not to drink because she’s a big girl, is making me question my entire existence and every opinion I’ve had this season. Jax being concerned about someone besides himself? Jax not forcing his significant other to do or not do something?? Has…. Jax…. really…. Changed?????

*slaps self*

It can’t be.

Kristen decides to make an announcement about how she’s going to drink but not get wasted, and the response is a resounding “Cool, Hansel.” She has a good point, because this group really does only get in fights when they’re all wasted, but unfortunately Kristen is not the correct person to deliver this message. However, truly none of the people in this group are the proper people to deliver a message of drinking in moderation.

On the other end of the table, Jax is talking about how he still believes Kristen and James hooked up on the last trip, and swears “on his father” that he believes it. The yikes writes itself.

Ariana and Lala approach the bar, and Lala puts one hand in the air and yells “Holaaaa!” to the innocent kitchen staff for no apparent reason, which feels like an appropriate harbinger of things to come. Ariana is the only true friend in this group, because she’s actually concerned for Lala and makes a point to bring up to her that her actions could cause her to lose friends and her job. Lala is too deep into her fake hip-hop persona to give a sh*t, though. Her excuses for acting the way she did? “If you’re going to act like a c*nt, I’m gong to be a c*nt back” and “I know I’m being rude, but guess what? I’m. Not. Sorry.” Funny, I recall Tupac saying the same thing.

You know what, though? Why should Lala be sorry? She’s getting more screen time, and she’s cemented herself as the most A-list member of the group, minus perhaps Stassi. Being contrite won’t get Lala more undeserved acting roles or makeup lines. Does that make it right? Absolutely not. But like, what’s the point of me sitting here pointing out how f*cked-up it is? You guys all know she’s in the wrong, and I’m starting to feel that me playing moral police with these radioactive garbage humans who are incapable of feeling remorse is not getting me anywhere but a fast track to hypertension.

So that’s that. Lala describes the difficulty of losing her dad as follows: “I have a family who has one less family member. And we liked that family member,” and suddenly, I know how I want to be eulogized.

Ariana breaks down, telling Lala about how the summer people accused her of hooking up with Sandoval was the same summer her dad died, which adds a new dimension of darkness. I kind of feel bad for constantly putting forth the theory that she and Tom did way more than make out at Coachella (even if I do still think it is true). Lala basically refuses to ever chill the f*ck out, saying “everyone grieves how they need to grieve.” It’s an accurate sentiment, but I don’t think it was meant as a carte blanche to act like a complete asshole.

Later that night, the gang wants to go skinny dipping, but Stassi doesn’t want to because she’s too tired. Is this growth, or just growing older? The gang breaks into a “puke, and rally, puke puke and rally” chant, and it’s actually the most wholesome feel-good moment of the episode. What does that say about these people, or myself for that matter? I really did love that chant.

The second wholesome feel-good moment of this episode is Schwartz and Sandoval giving a fake medicine commercial for tequila’s abilities to cure FOMO.

In a move that should surprise no one, when the girls go skinny dipping, Lala is the only one who is fully naked in the ocean.

The next day, the gang goes ATV-ing, which of course Sandoval set up. They probably didn’t have any bulldozers they could drive, so he settled for the next best thing. Every time they drive by a run-of-the-mill farm animal, they shout out “It really IS Jurassic Park!” Um. Y’all know that was about dinosaurs, right?

Sandoval is being a great Instagram boyfriend and taking thirst trap pictures of Scheana so she can literally threaten Adam at knifepoint to like them. That’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works!

After a fakeout where Jax pretends to still have feelings for Stassi, he feels motivated to give Stassi relationship advice. He tells her to pick and choose her battles and basically not be a huge bitch to Beau because he’s nice. His argument basically is that while assholes like Patrick and Jax deserved to get treated like sh*t by Stassi, Beau does not deserve that, a sentiment that will be echoed a few more times this episode by Beau, in tears. Again… Jax … is not… wrong????

Back at the hotel, Lala answers the door wearing a shirt that says “Daddy” on the back. If I could reach through the TV and burn it, you know I would. If I could go back in time and create the designer of that shirt from ever being born, you know I’d do that too.

For some reason, Kristen has been trying to liken herself to various animals in Spanish, all episode—she calls herself a giraffe and a butterfly. Kristen is that girl who took high school Spanish and failed out but still insists on saying “grassy-ass” and “por favor” to the host at every Mexican restaurant she goes to.

Anyway. The girls are drinking out of baby bottles. I really wish they would let that go, but I guess if Lala’s actions didn’t deeply disturb me at least once per episode, we wouldn’t have a show, now would we? Scheana tells Kristen that Jax is still talking sh*t about last year’s #PillowGate. Lala eggs Kristen on by more or less telling her that if someone was saying that stuff about her, that individual would get popped. I paraphrase, but barely.

That night, the gang goes to some jungle club that honestly looks awesome and I need to know the name of it. Lala is literally crawling around on the floor as the gang takes bottle pulls to the face, and it’s at this point that Kristen decides it will be a good idea for confront Jax. First off, I need to point out that if Kristen or basically anyone else were crawling around on the floor, we would never hear the end of how trashy that person is. But I guess nobody here wants to f*ck up that private jet hookup. Katie, ever the good friend, tell Kristen it will be a good idea to do confront Jax when they are all drinking, probably so she can throw it in Kristen’s face for acting like a drunk mess later. God, I can’t deal with her.

In the theme of appropriating the #MeToo movement, Kristen uses the argument of how the guys get second chances for how Jax shouldn’t be spreading rumors about her maybe cheating on Carter? Her points are valid, but I’m not sure how the argument tracks. The thing is, for someone who wants everyone to stop calling her Crazy Kristen, she doesn’t appear to be doing all that much in terms of growth. She’s still bringing random bitches around to SUR to throw out cheating accusations. She’s still getting sloppy drunk.

Meanwhile Scheana is mad that Adam hasn’t responded to her thirst trap. Could this man make it any more clear that he’s not into her? Maybe he should rent a billboard.

Lala probably bribes the DJs to put on her sh*tty song. I’m shocked that the club doesn’t immediately empty out.

Stassi gets mad at Beau because he … suggested she have fun? Yeah, nothing is tracking here. The argument continues in the hotel room because Stassi wants Beau to want to be in bed at 3am with her. Beau feels “battered.” Let’s cue the gif of Sandoval again. Stassi is talking about how something is “explosive” and how she doesn’t want to go to sleep alone. Yeah, I really have no idea what is going on here. Beau starts crying, and now I’m crying in the club. And by “club” I mean on my couch as I type this. What can I say, I’m an empathetic crier! Stassi basically breaks down about how everyone has disappointed her in her life and Beau starts crying because he’s never done anything to make her not trust him. I mean, it’s true—I feel like Stassi is just projecting all her baggage onto poor unsuspecting Beau. That sucks.

Anyway, Ariana is blacked out and not making any sense, yelling about “yellow robe smith”, I think. Can anyone decode what the hell she’s talking about? If you can, I’ll send you an Amazon gift card.

The episode more or less ends there. Overall, kind of boring, but I do love a good drunk Ariana. Can’t wait for next week, when someone will, in Lala’s words, get popped!

Images: Giphy (3); Bravo