‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Yellow Robe Smith

Goooooood morning Los Angeles!!! I am back for another Betches Vanderpump Rules recap, and I promise I will not pull another stunt like I did last week. Reading all your kind words really inflated my ego touched my heart, and so I will dutifully be here to report on the undertakings of these fake waiters and waitresses until the end of… the season, at least. I can’t promise until the end of time; I’ve got to protect my sanity at some point! Anyway, last week, we ended right smack in the middle of Schwartz and Katie’s fight. All I could think of was Sandoval a few seasons ago, dressed in drag, screaming about Schwartz, “look at him! He’s a f*cking battered wife!”

Also, full disclosure, I wanted to make the title of my recap last week “Katie Is An Emotional Terrorist”, but I figured she might see it and get upset and rage text one of my coworkers. So I’m putting it here for you all to enjoy as a fun little Easter egg, with the hope that she doesn’t read my recaps!

Anyway, this week we start right back in the middle of Schwartz and Katie’s argument. Schwartz calls Katie a “disaster of a human being” which isn’t a good thing to say to your wife but also isn’t a lie. And herein lies the problem: Schwartz asks Katie why she can’t just tell him that she’s upset, and her reply? “I don’t wanna have to tell you!” Look, Schwartz may know how to use the word “cacophony” correctly, but he’s no mind reader. Cut the poor dude a break.

And with that, Schwartz’s two lifetime minutes of standing up for himself are over, and he rolls over with a resigned “Bubbaaa” and plays dead. He’s finally able to elicit an “I” statement out of Katie before she rolls over, clearly exhausted from expressing her feelings like a mature adult one time.

Kristen announces that this is going to be a freakout-free vacay, so I’m starting my stopwatch now to see how long it is before she blows a gasket. Anyone care to place a wager? I’ll say five on-screen minutes.

Lala talks about how she’s in a good mindset and she can drink on this trip, so clearly we have very different ideas of what a healthy mindset is. Just a quick refresher to her aforementioned “healthy mindset” which was anywhere from 2 weeks to a few days ago:

Brittany is still in major key denial, claiming that if she drinks tequila straight-up it won’t irritate her potential ulcer. Hearing Jax tell Britt that he just wants to be healthy, and that he’s not going to tell her not to drink because she’s a big girl, is making me question my entire existence and every opinion I’ve had this season. Jax being concerned about someone besides himself? Jax not forcing his significant other to do or not do something?? Has…. Jax…. really…. Changed?????

*slaps self*

It can’t be.

Kristen decides to make an announcement about how she’s going to drink but not get wasted, and the response is a resounding “Cool, Hansel.” She has a good point, because this group really does only get in fights when they’re all wasted, but unfortunately Kristen is not the correct person to deliver this message. However, truly none of the people in this group are the proper people to deliver a message of drinking in moderation.

On the other end of the table, Jax is talking about how he still believes Kristen and James hooked up on the last trip, and swears “on his father” that he believes it. The yikes writes itself.

Ariana and Lala approach the bar, and Lala puts one hand in the air and yells “Holaaaa!” to the innocent kitchen staff for no apparent reason, which feels like an appropriate harbinger of things to come. Ariana is the only true friend in this group, because she’s actually concerned for Lala and makes a point to bring up to her that her actions could cause her to lose friends and her job. Lala is too deep into her fake hip-hop persona to give a sh*t, though. Her excuses for acting the way she did? “If you’re going to act like a c*nt, I’m gong to be a c*nt back” and “I know I’m being rude, but guess what? I’m. Not. Sorry.” Funny, I recall Tupac saying the same thing.

You know what, though? Why should Lala be sorry? She’s getting more screen time, and she’s cemented herself as the most A-list member of the group, minus perhaps Stassi. Being contrite won’t get Lala more undeserved acting roles or makeup lines. Does that make it right? Absolutely not. But like, what’s the point of me sitting here pointing out how f*cked-up it is? You guys all know she’s in the wrong, and I’m starting to feel that me playing moral police with these radioactive garbage humans who are incapable of feeling remorse is not getting me anywhere but a fast track to hypertension.

So that’s that. Lala describes the difficulty of losing her dad as follows: “I have a family who has one less family member. And we liked that family member,” and suddenly, I know how I want to be eulogized.

Ariana breaks down, telling Lala about how the summer people accused her of hooking up with Sandoval was the same summer her dad died, which adds a new dimension of darkness. I kind of feel bad for constantly putting forth the theory that she and Tom did way more than make out at Coachella (even if I do still think it is true). Lala basically refuses to ever chill the f*ck out, saying “everyone grieves how they need to grieve.” It’s an accurate sentiment, but I don’t think it was meant as a carte blanche to act like a complete asshole.

Later that night, the gang wants to go skinny dipping, but Stassi doesn’t want to because she’s too tired. Is this growth, or just growing older? The gang breaks into a “puke, and rally, puke puke and rally” chant, and it’s actually the most wholesome feel-good moment of the episode. What does that say about these people, or myself for that matter? I really did love that chant.

The second wholesome feel-good moment of this episode is Schwartz and Sandoval giving a fake medicine commercial for tequila’s abilities to cure FOMO.

In a move that should surprise no one, when the girls go skinny dipping, Lala is the only one who is fully naked in the ocean.

The next day, the gang goes ATV-ing, which of course Sandoval set up. They probably didn’t have any bulldozers they could drive, so he settled for the next best thing. Every time they drive by a run-of-the-mill farm animal, they shout out “It really IS Jurassic Park!” Um. Y’all know that was about dinosaurs, right?

Sandoval is being a great Instagram boyfriend and taking thirst trap pictures of Scheana so she can literally threaten Adam at knifepoint to like them. That’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works!

After a fakeout where Jax pretends to still have feelings for Stassi, he feels motivated to give Stassi relationship advice. He tells her to pick and choose her battles and basically not be a huge bitch to Beau because he’s nice. His argument basically is that while assholes like Patrick and Jax deserved to get treated like sh*t by Stassi, Beau does not deserve that, a sentiment that will be echoed a few more times this episode by Beau, in tears. Again… Jax … is not… wrong????

Back at the hotel, Lala answers the door wearing a shirt that says “Daddy” on the back. If I could reach through the TV and burn it, you know I would. If I could go back in time and create the designer of that shirt from ever being born, you know I’d do that too.

For some reason, Kristen has been trying to liken herself to various animals in Spanish, all episode—she calls herself a giraffe and a butterfly. Kristen is that girl who took high school Spanish and failed out but still insists on saying “grassy-ass” and “por favor” to the host at every Mexican restaurant she goes to.

Anyway. The girls are drinking out of baby bottles. I really wish they would let that go, but I guess if Lala’s actions didn’t deeply disturb me at least once per episode, we wouldn’t have a show, now would we? Scheana tells Kristen that Jax is still talking sh*t about last year’s #PillowGate. Lala eggs Kristen on by more or less telling her that if someone was saying that stuff about her, that individual would get popped. I paraphrase, but barely.

That night, the gang goes to some jungle club that honestly looks awesome and I need to know the name of it. Lala is literally crawling around on the floor as the gang takes bottle pulls to the face, and it’s at this point that Kristen decides it will be a good idea for confront Jax. First off, I need to point out that if Kristen or basically anyone else were crawling around on the floor, we would never hear the end of how trashy that person is. But I guess nobody here wants to f*ck up that private jet hookup. Katie, ever the good friend, tell Kristen it will be a good idea to do confront Jax when they are all drinking, probably so she can throw it in Kristen’s face for acting like a drunk mess later. God, I can’t deal with her.

In the theme of appropriating the #MeToo movement, Kristen uses the argument of how the guys get second chances for how Jax shouldn’t be spreading rumors about her maybe cheating on Carter? Her points are valid, but I’m not sure how the argument tracks. The thing is, for someone who wants everyone to stop calling her Crazy Kristen, she doesn’t appear to be doing all that much in terms of growth. She’s still bringing random bitches around to SUR to throw out cheating accusations. She’s still getting sloppy drunk.

Meanwhile Scheana is mad that Adam hasn’t responded to her thirst trap. Could this man make it any more clear that he’s not into her? Maybe he should rent a billboard.

Lala probably bribes the DJs to put on her sh*tty song. I’m shocked that the club doesn’t immediately empty out.

Stassi gets mad at Beau because he … suggested she have fun? Yeah, nothing is tracking here. The argument continues in the hotel room because Stassi wants Beau to want to be in bed at 3am with her. Beau feels “battered.” Let’s cue the gif of Sandoval again. Stassi is talking about how something is “explosive” and how she doesn’t want to go to sleep alone. Yeah, I really have no idea what is going on here. Beau starts crying, and now I’m crying in the club. And by “club” I mean on my couch as I type this. What can I say, I’m an empathetic crier! Stassi basically breaks down about how everyone has disappointed her in her life and Beau starts crying because he’s never done anything to make her not trust him. I mean, it’s true—I feel like Stassi is just projecting all her baggage onto poor unsuspecting Beau. That sucks.

Anyway, Ariana is blacked out and not making any sense, yelling about “yellow robe smith”, I think. Can anyone decode what the hell she’s talking about? If you can, I’ll send you an Amazon gift card.

The episode more or less ends there. Overall, kind of boring, but I do love a good drunk Ariana. Can’t wait for next week, when someone will, in Lala’s words, get popped!

Images: Giphy (3); Bravo