‘Riverdale’ Recap: Cheryl Gets Her Groove Back

Well, fam, I’m back to recapping this godforsaken show. Lol I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me. For those of you who dragged me for not recapping the last episode in the comments of my last Riverdale-related article, just know that I had better things to do that night. I hope that answer was as satisfying for you as it was for me. Anyway, if you, like me, had other shit going on THREE WEEKS AGO when The CW last tried to actually air an episode for once in their goddamn lives, here is what you missed: Cheryl got rescued from the conversion camp and made out with Toni in the process. Archie is a fucking idiot who thinks he has an actual career as one of Hiram’s thugs. I’m glad he dreams big. In an interesting twist of events, the Serpents hate Betty even though she gave up her virginity for their cause. Also, Alice and FP might have banged. I’m sure some other shit happened, but like I said, it’s been three fucking weeks since the last episode aired so forgive me if my memory is a little foggy. Shall we move on to this episode?

Oh god. Oh god NO. Is this whole fucking episode going to be polluted with musical numbers?? Lord, Jesus, fix it.

RIVERDALE WRITERS: You know what will get us a third season? A musical episode!
ME:  But I’m a good fucking person!

All I have to say is if I’m expected to sit through an entire hour of jazz hands and poorly written lyrics on teen angst, then Alice and FP better have banged or I’m storming The CW headquarters. That’s all I’m saying.

So I’m two seconds into this episode and they’ve sung the word “crap” three times too many. Jesus, this is going to be a long fucking night.

Is it just me or does Archie sound like the kid from The Goofy Movie when he sings?

^^ A deleted scene from the Andrews’ house

LOL they cast Alice as an actual part in a high school musical. I love how the adults on this show don’t have those pesky little things called jobs that they have to go to every day to, like, support their kids and their crop top addictions.

Kevin, who is supposedly in charge of this abomination, casts Betty to play the good girl, Veronica to play the mean girl, and Cheryl to play batshit crazy Carrie. So, like, he went with a pretty literal interpretation of the characters in Carrie, huh?

Cheryl almost gets taken out by a sandbag during an unnecessary musical number, and all I can think is “did I move that sandbag with my mind??” It’s highly plausible, as right now I’m wishing bodily harm onto every single one of these people, including my beloved Cheryl, for making me sit through this shit.

Kevin finds a note from The Black Hood demanding he recast the role of Carrie with anyone but Cheryl. Who knew The Black Hood would be this invested in the politics of a high school musical production? Meanwhile, everyone is acting shook that The Black Hood could possibly be back. They forget the crime was solved by Betty and Archie so it had a 30/80 success rate to begin with.

Okay, are Alice and FP just not going to talk about how they totally banged?? The fact that FP is straight-up ignoring Alice after their little night together is the most realistic thing I’ve seen on this entire show. Also, FP, you can call me.

Veronica goes through an entire musical number about being a bitch whilst grinding on Chuck on stage left. How can this possibly be school sanctioned? HOW.

Okay, Archie is a fucking terrible son. Fred finally finds out that Hiram bought Archie a v expensive car in exchange for his loyalty? Banging his daughter? Throwing shitty comebacks at his enemies? Tbh it’s hard to say why he deserved that car, but Fred is PISSED.

FRED: I wanted to take you to the junkyard, pick out a car, and fix it up with you. Wouldn’t that have been beautiful?
ARCHIE:

Mrs. Blossom refuses to sign Cheryl’s permission form to be in the musical so she can no longer be Carrie and I can no longer have nice things. So they need a signed permission slip to join the school musical yet Archie can form a gang called THE RED CIRCLE and film a homoerotic video on school campus? K.

Toni runs after Cheryl to give her a pep talk about how she hasn’t gone soft and she’s still a murderous bitch. Respect.

CHERYL: I’m not the same girl anymore who burned down Thorne Hill and cut off my mom’s oxygen.
ME: YES YOU ARE BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

Meanwhile, during Alice’s solo because, yes, they gave the mother of a student her own fucking solo, she starts having a literal mental breakdown on stage. Think Britney right before she shaved her head. Alice keeps talking about how everyone always leaves her and she can’t even get a text back from FP.  Meanwhile, Betty is looking like she’s about to call CPS on herself over the whole thing. It’s the best thing I’ve seen in my entire damn life.

KEVIN: Am I directing a train wreck?

I literally could not have said it better myself, Kev.

Archie admits he’s been fucking up a lot this year. I can already tell he’s going to use that “dark path” bit for his college essay next fall. Sooo original. He goes to confront Hiram about getting in the way of his relationship with his dad. He’s like “don’t try me because that’s a battle you’ll lose” and I’m like “lol remember yesterday when you told your dad you’d rather support MR. LODGE than YOUR OWN FATHER in the mayoral race?”

Ugh are Alice and Hal about to get back together? Why? Just because FP blows her off once? No, no, no, no, no, Alice. You call FP about 100 more times until he loses the will to live. We must persist, girlfriend.

CHIC ISN’T HAL’S KID. I don’t know why I put that in all caps because that fact has been pretty damn clear since day one. But also now I need to know who the father of the prom baby really is. Like, ASAP.

It’s opening night and they’re all singing “this will be a night you’ll never forget” which I 1,000 percent agree with because I certainly will never forget how The CW has tortured me for the past 42 minutes with this American Idol-esq farce they call a musical episode.

We cut to Cheryl, who looks like she is ready to set the entire world aflame. *turns up volume*  GIRL, YOU CAN GET IT. Omfg. Homegirl just confronted her mother IN PIG’S BLOOD and threatened to burn down another house. I’m definitely keeping this strategy in mind for the next time my mom bitches about helping me pay paying for my gym membership.

I made sure the blood was vegan

A post shared by Madelaine Petsch (@madelame) on

CHERYL: *does something batshit and diabolical*
ME:

Jughead, who up until this point in the episode has been standing there like a dipshit with his camera, figures out that Ethel might be the person behind The Black Hood letters. That’s right, I said “might be” as in he’s actually discovered nothing. Seriously, Jughead, what is your purpose during this episode?

Chic shows up and is just as creepy and terrifying as I remembered him. Why do I feel like this night is going to end with another murder moment of morbid family bonding for the Cooper family?

The episode ends with the play finally fucking starting. It’s like The CW wants to drag this shit out for as long as possible, and also for me to get drunk. Because that’s the only way I’ll be able to sit through another goddamn musical episode. 

Wait. OMFG. Is Midge aka the new Carrie knifed to the fucking stage??

Well, that is not how I saw this production ending, but it certainly was a dramatic as it was advertised. I admire Kevin’s dedication to his craft. Brava! 

Images: Giphy (4); @madelame /Instagram (1); The CW (3)

Bethenny Is A Modern Day Gretchen Wieners: ‘Real Housewives of New York’ Recap

So, Real Housewives of New York City is still on a tequila binge in Tequila, Mexico and if you haven’t watched this episode yet, I’d highly recommend it. It will definitely make you feel better about every questionable decision you’ve ever made.

Anyway, the episode starts out with everyone talking about their boobs, which then results in everyone being naked and running around.

Carole: I bare my boobs for art. The rest of the girls bare their boobs for tequila. PS, I have the best boobs of the group. They’re real.

Ramona and Bethenny have a nice moment in the pool.

Ramona: I really like you
Bethenny: I’m a pretty cool person
Ramona: But I feel like you don’t like me
Bethenny: Well, I don’t like you right now

The conversation then turns back to the comments Ramona made about Bethenny being naked in the press and how that must have affected B’s daughter, Brynn. I would just like to note that Bethenny is literally ass naked during this conversation.

On the other side of the pool, Dorinda is trying to get a pants-less Sonja dressed.

Dorinda: It’s literally like trying to put a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.

Anyway, back to Bethenny and Ramona. They’re literally screaming (slurring) and crying in the pool and there are little nude-colored pixel square censors over Bethenny’s boobs. I actually feel like I’m watching two Sims fight right now. The conversation ends with them making up, but we all know they’ll end up picking another fight soon.

Sonja’s still super drunk and asks Bethenny if she’ll have sex with her, but B isn’t down.

That Escalated Quickly

Bethenny: I’m sorry. You’re barking up the wrong vagina.

Bethenny is the first one at dinner again and she’s pissed because she always shows up late to shit and is still somehow the first one there. SAME, B.

Obviously, everyone’s been blacked out for a few days, so there are like, five separate arguments brewing. Dorinda starts yelling at Bethenny and so Bethenny and Tinsley start running around her and it’s just a mess of slurring and dancing. It’s truly beautiful.

Loud Noises

Then, in the middle of Tinsley apologizing to Ramona (apparently this is just the episode where everyone’s going to black out and apologize like a bunch of drunk girls in a club bathroom becoming best friends), the women start to hear fireworks and all immediately stop their conversations and run outside to stand under the fireworks and scream. However, during the fireworks, Dorinda is concerned because she cut her hand.

Dorinda: I cut my hand off.
Bethenny: Do not give me a psychoanalysis.
Dorinda: I gave you a psychoanalysis about your life?
Bethenny: I keep getting into fights with these wasted blondes. It’s like, they have all this resentment about my success.

Me:

Confused

Is this just like, a giant war between blondes and brunettes? Isn’t that what Gossip Girl was for? Didn’t Serena and Blair teach us that party girl blondes and power-hungry brunettes all have their own great qualities and don’t need to compete with one another? Like, hello, this is 2017! Women don’t need to be competing with one another, they’re supposed to be obsessed with each other and leave the fire emoji on each other’s Instagram posts. Duh.

Feminism

The next morning, the women are getting ready to go to yoga and Ramona decides to fill Luann in on all the ~dramz~ she missed.

Ramona: I had a great talk with Bethenny last night. We bared our souls (read: tits) to each other. It was good.
Luann: Until you screw it up again. *signature insane Luann laugh*

There’s a lot of awkward tension between Dorinda and Bethenny. Dorinda basically doesn’t think she needs to apologize for last night, because she was too blackout to remember. Instead of an apology, she’s basically like “whatever, I was drunk.” And instead of understanding the fact that sometimes when you drink tequila for multiple days straight, you say things you don’t mean, Bethenny is super pissed.

Sonja’s in a super good mood, which is making her really tired.

Sonja: I’m so exhausted from being happy!

Again, me:

Confused

 

Then Dorinda pulls Bethenny outside to apologize and Bethenny pulls off one of the greatest humble brags of all time. She starts crying and talking about how hard it is to be so successful because she doesn’t want to sound like she’s gloating all of the time. She’s truly a modern day Gretchen Wieners.

Bethenny: I have an emotional hangover. I’m back to being the crier.

I am TOTALLY going to use that line sometime in the very near future.

Everyone is getting massages and relaxing and boating and shit-talking.

Tinsley is on a boat planning a party to say thank you, but also fuck you, to Sonja for letting her live with her for a few months.

Carole says that she’s good at fishing even though she’s not good at very many things. If anyone wants to take a quick back-read through some of my recaps from this season and fish out all of the times Carole bragged about being good at something outdoorsy, but then complained that she’s not outdoorsy the next episode, please be my guest.

Surprise, surprise, Carole didn’t catch a fish so they go grab one from a market to pretend that she did. They even take a picture with the fish to make it look like Carole caught it. Of course, Luann isn’t buying it and assumes the captain caught it or something.

Finally, it’s the last night and everyone’s waiting for someone to fuck it all up.

Bethenny: I think to end this trip, somebody should be killed. It’s weird if we all go home too happy. I need my frenemies back.

Now that’s a woman that has her priorities straight!

For the last night, the women all go out to dinner and Tinsley is the drunkest one this time. It’s basically just more drunk yelling.

Luann: Tinsley, you should stop saying the F word so much because we’re at a restaurant.
Tinsley: Well, you say Palm Beach all of the time and it’s actually West Palm, soo… it’s West Palm, so whatever.

I can’t tell if that’s the best or worst comeback I’ve ever heard.

Anyway, next week is the season finale and I really hope they’re not all too hungover to make it interesting.

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 4

I really wanted last night’s episode of The Bachelor to be the one where Corinne like, finally explodes but it didn’t happen so I’m really sad right now. While she did do her normal shtick of sitting out of normal yet mandatory Bachelor group events like shoveling “poopie”, talking about her nanny Raquel, and threatening to beat the shit out of the mental health counselor Taylor, she actually kept her composure when the group of girls were confronting her which was really surprising. You know what wasn’t surprising? Nick coincidentally bumping into his ex on the street. Like COME ON, Bachelor producers. As Corinne would say, “I’m not an idiot, stop treating me like an idiot!!”

Rose Ceremony From Last Week

As Vanessa confronts Nick about the “Bouncy Castle Incident” she asks him really smart, justified questions to which Nick responds: …like idk

Corinne: I’m not privileged in any shape or form. Like, Raquel makes me throw out the waxing strips after she’s done giving me a Brazilian. You call that privileged?

Corinne thinks the rose ceremony is just like high school physics class where you get 20 unexcused absences.

Serious question: What’s the difference between Whitney and Astrid? They’re the same face. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

Whitney And Astrid

Sarah: “I don’t know how the bounce house situation unfolded but I don’t think it was the best.”  – Way to be a diplomat Sarah. 

Corinne’s response: Why are Taylor and Sarah so obsessed with me?

There’s a colonial woman in the Bachelor house—no wait, it’s Raven.

Bachelor Week 4

Why are they all freaking out that he gave the rose to Corinne. They all said it—she straddled him in the bouncy castle!!!

Christen leaves literally speechless like she’s at mafia funeral. Nods her head at Nick and walks out.

Then Chris Harrison walks in to tell them the good news:

Pack your bags girls, you’re going to be traveling the world… you’re going to be starting your journey to … (they’re all thinking omg where are we going, Italy? Bali?!) … WISCONSIN!

You know you’re getting cabin fever when you’re jumping up and down at the thought of going to fucking Milwaukee. 

Date With Danielle L

Nick’s mom is Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday after the switch

Jamie Lee Curtis Freaky Friday

Nick: This is where I first got dumped, unfortunately that one wasn’t televised like my last 3 have been.

I used to hang out at the library but not to read books, to make out with girls. – OKAY Nick.

I used to hook up with girls on that football field right there! – ummm, this is getting sad.

Nick talks about his exes wayyyyyy too much. Perhaps as if they never existed.

But oh wait, there’s one. Magically sitting in that window. And look, she’s already mic’ed so they can have this spontaneous sit-down!

That convo with Amber the “Ex” was super boring. She probably wasn’t even one of his exes; she was def a production assistant who was down for some screen time—but like, a PA who clearly doesn’t pay attention to the show because she said that Nick’s problem was that he can’t give all of himself to a relationship. That’s literally the opposite of his problem, AMBER. Cough Andi cough Kaitlyn cough literally anyone else he’s mentioned on the Nick Dumping Tour of Milwaukee.

And if Amber was really his ex I think we all just wanted to hear some embarrassing stories like, this one time you guys were on a date and Nick accidentally sharted and had to go home. 

Side note: Nick being on The Bachelor is the greatest thing to happen to Milwaukee since they set the movie Bridesmaids here. And even then they knew it was shitty.

Milwaukee

Danielle L. def lives for a low plunging dress. On part 2 of their date Nick asks her the hard hitting relationship questions like this one: “When was the last time you went grocery shopping in sweatpants?” 

Correct answer: All the time.

Betches Bachelor Tee

Wine & Sweatpants: the only one-on-one I need. Get your Bachelor T-shirt here!

Extra yet super important side note:

Omg do you know who Danielle looks just like—TAYLOR TOWNSEND FROM THE O.C.

Danielle and Taylor

Group Farm Chore Date

“We’re in Wisconsin and I couldn’t be happier,” Danielle M says and she couldn’t look less happy.

“Cows are okay” – Corinne

I don’t really understand this date becasue Nick would never do this. Like, have you seen his low cut V-necks? You can’t be a farmer in those clothes.

Corinne: I don’t wanna do chores, let alone do farm chores. I wouldn’t even let Raquel do farm chores. She’s above farm chores. She works for me.

Snack Pack

I LOVE how she calls them chores because that’s what adults tell children responsibilities are.

I totally feel Corinne, I would not be into this. Anyone who would be into this would be lying or better suited for Chris Soules. They’re like, in their nice boots stepping in cow shit.

At least I hope the date card said: Wear your shitty boots. We suggest Michael Kors.

Bachelor Date

TBH the girls only talk about Corinne because they probably have nothing else to say to Nick.

Nick can’t milk the cows so Jamie’s like “I’m bisexual I can do it.”

Meet The Parents

“Dude I need sushi” – Corinne, and all of us.

Later in the date, Nick sits down with Vanessa. She puts his legs on her, as she does, and hands him a book her students and coworkers made for her. WAIT, what? They made him a book before Vanessa knew him? As in, she asked them to make her a book of pictures of Vanessa in bikinis to give to a dude she hasn’t met yet. Fucking school teachers and their assignments.

This is the book she gave him:

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

“I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking that nap” – SOML, CORINNE. I need to get a needle point of that on a pillow.

“Michael Jordan took naps, Abe Lincoln took naps, Corinne takes naps.” You know that episode of Rugrats when they all go inside Chuckie, well, I’d really like to do that but with Corinne’s brain.

Kristina: I had a really hard childhood, can I tell you about it?
Nick: Maybe another time.

I don’t really understand why everyone’s like “Corinne I don’t think you’re mature enough for marriage; you have to be there for him.” Can everyone like take a fucking chill pill. If he’s going to pick her he’s going to pick her, that’s it. Whether or not you think she’s mature or not has nothing to do with it. Maybe she’ll be the perfect Insta Wife for him. Who knows, SARAH, TAYLOR, AND KRISTINA. WHO KNOWS!?

On that same note:

Corinne: “Nick and I didn’t kiss when we talked. It was all more of like an adult convo.”

Date With Raven

The date card said: Raven let’s kick it. That screams Netflix and Chill tbh. 

Nick: “I’m really proud of the ladies in my life: my 12-year-old sister, and this girl I met 3 weeks ago”

It was really uncomfortable to watch Raven speak to Nick’s parents because she like, wouldn’t make eye contact with them. She would just look straight and speak to them from the side. Like a fucking Raven.

WHY IS NICK WEARING SUCH A LOW-CUT SHIRT ON THIS DATE WITH HIS SISTER? 

Raven: This date was great because I could see how fucking terrible at soccer Nick was. 

The point of this date was that Nick just wanted Bella to be the coolest teen at high school, obviously.

While they’re roller skating, some kid falls, Nick rides around him and screams SUCKAHHHH.

The date with Raven was like, sort of cute. I’m probably feeling that because of editing with the wise choice of music from She’s All That but whatevs, I’ll admit… it was cute.

Second Half Of Their Date:

Wait wait wait WAIT…she beat the shit out of her ex boyfriend and his mistress WHILE they were naked, with her stiletto? Like, did he have to go to the hospital?

First of all, that story was a tad graphic. “He was on top of her. Thrusting her.” Did she tell this version to her parents?

Second of all. Broke the door down. Threw her off of him. Beat him in the head with a stiletto. I mean.

If he’s turned on by it, they’re right for each other.

Stiletto

…But with hicks.

Nick: The more I learn about Raven I realize she’s this very interesting, sassy, borderline serial killing woman …that I love.

Okay like, what’s with all the roller skates? Where did they come from, why are they roller skating AGAIN in the museum, didn’t they have enough roller skating from all of the roller skating this entire afternoon? So many questions.

Rose Ceremony

I honestly hope this Corinne vs. Taylor thing pops off. I need more drama!!!

I also love how Josephine was totally manipulating Corinne to go say something to her.

Josephine: I totally agree with you. Taylor’s a bitch. I think someone should say something.
Corinne: I’m gonna ::puts mini crescent dog in her mouth:: do it
Josephine: chew your food.  

The fact that Taylor is trying to therapize Corinne just shows she’s not a very good mental health counselor. Corinne never asked for therapy. Also, you can’t tell someone with low emotional intelligence that they have low emotional intelligence, because how are they supposed to realize how unself-aware they are if they’re not self-aware to begin with, Taylor?

Crocker

On that same note:
“Taylor seems to still have a problem with me, so tonight I’m gonna punch her in the face” – things people who are ready to get married say.

Alexis is like your cool camp counselor that let you sneak over to the boys’ bunk…

Alexis: My two biggest fears are aliens and Nicholas Cage — same Alexis, same.