Welcome back, friends, to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! Last week, Katie kicked off her season with a bang–and, unlike ABC, I’m not going to giggle like an 11-year-old boy after making that pun. Big front-runners from that first night included Greg Grippo, a guy who single-handedly raised real estate prices for the entire state of New Jersey just by being a gem of a human during his TV debut; and a grown man who displays his sexual arousal by wearing cat ears and licking his paws. Can’t wait to see what sort of chaotic energy we’re in store for tonight!
Mike Makes It Into The Producer’s Burn Book
Every season there’s at least one person who makes it into the producer’s burn book. Last season it was Sarah, who was somehow convinced multiple times to commandeer Matt James’ attention by stealing other women’s alone time. Have you seen the end of The Lion King? Sarah’s time on the show ended much like Scar’s reign over Pride Rock: in a blaze of metaphorical fire with hyenas (Queen Victoria and her minions) eating her carcass alive on national television.
^^Sarah, last season
This year, it appears their new target is Mike, the 31-year-old virgin from San Diego. Look, going after the virgin seems like low-hanging fruit to me but whatever you need to do for ratings, amiright ABC?
My suspicions are only reinforced during the first group date when the men are led to an undisclosed location where Katie tells them things are about to get “raw and real.” Those are the exact words my mother used to describe chafing to me after I hit puberty early and experienced a huge weight gain, but I’m sure the producers were going for more sexual undertones when they added that line to Katie’s script. Cut to the men entering a dark room with nothing but a discarded bra on the floor. While some of the men are already sporting chubbies at the thought of a clothing-optional date, poor Jesus Boy looks like he’s seconds away from calling his pastor for an emergency prayer session.
It only gets worse from there. As you might have guessed, this date is all about sex! ABC has enlisted comedian Heather McDonald to help Katie host a competition to see which of these men will make the best lover. If that’s the end goal, then it’s troubling that I don’t see her vibrator in the crowd.
The first half of the date consists of Heather quizzing the men on their basic understanding of female sexuality. Spoiler alert: they don’t have one. Boys, boys, boys. She’s not asking you to solve a wizard’s riddle, she’s asking you about a woman’s climax!
HEATHER: What’s the best tool needed for a female orgasm?
Though it might seem this date was intended for comedic relief (and possibly to help Katie weed out the men who understand female pleasure from the men who have just had sex with a woman), really this date was crafted with the sole intent of getting Jesus Boy to cry. When the quizzing veers into the guys’ own sexual history (How much do they masturbate? When was the last time they had sex?) and Mike answers entirely in question marks, I have never felt more secondhand embarrassment in my life. At one point I was hoping a portal would open up and take us both to a kinder world. At the very least, I was hoping he wouldn’t pee himself on stage, which felt like a very real possibility the longer that inquisition went on.
Eventually the men are tasked with one final humiliation: prove to Katie ON STAGE how they’ll be the perfect lover. I worry that ABC did not set enough parameters for what these “acts” should consist of when Tre performed his erotic sock puppet show and Karl dragged a spoiled banana down the body of a cardboard cut-out of Katie.
— ♡ (@tvgoldtweets) June 15, 2021
Eventually Mike makes it to the stage and I’m worried the only way production got him up there was by holding his bible hostage off-screen. While most of the men take this as an opportunity to use various props to describe their penis size, Mike decides to turn his virginity into spoken word poetry. It’s a bold move and one I didn’t expect from a man who could have just walked on stage, pointed to the gigantic cross around his neck, and been like, “you get it.” For his honesty, Katie rewards him with the Best Lover trophy. That seems a stretch to me. I’m not sure honesty equates to “has any idea where the clit is on your body” but I suppose it’s the thought that counts.
Honestly, while I’m glad this guy survived productions’ attempt to send him walking into the nearest oncoming traffic, I don’t think he’ll last long here. Katie probably doesn’t care about his virgin status, but if a red lacy bra makes him break out into hives, he’s probably not her match. She’s looking for a partner who is comfortable with their sexuality, whatever that may be. Later in the evening, Mike reveals that he feels bad for his future wife because of “all of that pent-up energy” and Katie and I both can barely contain our shudders just thinking about the three minutes of vigorous dry humping that woman will experience on their honeymoon.
And what do you know! Mike doesn’t even receive the group date rose. While Mike might have been “raw and real” with his words, Thomas was “raw and real” with his tongue on that couch and receives Katie’s coveted group date rose. Honestly, I have working eyes, so I get it, Katie. Carry on.
Greg Is Still A Winner
Greg had another outstanding performance tonight. He managed to score both the first one-on-one date of the season and the first spot on every man’s hit list. Should he mysteriously go missing next week, our number one suspect should be any of the guys who snagged the number of the van-owning skin salesman from night one. I can read between the lines and right now I’m reading that bio as “has definitely disposed of a body through a Craigslist ad before.”
But back to Greg and Katie! I would just like to have it on record that every time I see these two together I seethe with jealousy. They are so freaking cute, I can’t stand it. Logically, I know it’s only been a few days since they first met, but somehow they seem to be operating on the same wavelength. Case in point: They both show up to their date wearing matching flannel outfits. This is something grandparents do in their old age so they don’t lose each other in crowds. I should be disgusted! But when these two do it, it’s just romantic and quirky. I hate them already.
— ♡ (@tvgoldtweets) June 15, 2021
More than that, they both have shared trauma that further cements their bond. Katie picked camping for their date activity because it’s something she used to do with her dad before he passed away. Later, Greg reveals that his dad passed away suddenly from cancer. They both seem genuinely shocked that they were willing to share this deeply personal information so early on in their relationship. Normally, this is where I would break out into a monologue about how ABC likes to pimp out people’s pain for viewership, but this is just such a touching moment that I can’t even chide ABC for orchestrating it about. Greg is going to go far in this game, just mark my words.
All The Wrong Reasons
Most of tonight’s episode was dominated by a tried and true Bachelor/ette storyline: who’s here for the right reasons? Similar to the theme of the first group date, the second group date is all about getting Katie off—I just didn’t realize that getting Katie off involved man-on-man mud wrestling. While some of the men engage in actual feats of strength, others are just doing a glorified slap and tickle. It becomes evident mid-mud wrestle that this date is actually not about Katie at all, but is rather a half-baked date idea to remind us of the fight that wasn’t on night one between Cody and Aaron. It’s almost as if ABC won’t allow us to get through one episode without forcing unwanted drama upon the masses.
Aaron reveals that he knows Cody from home and doesn’t think he’s here for the right reasons. I mean… the man did show up to the house with a blow-up doll so, like, are we surprised? But if Katie’s truly conflicted over this revelation then she should have utilized her hosts, Tayshia and Kaitlyn, the way god and the girl code intended. Why aren’t they out there canvasing Cody’s Venmo receipts for her? Creating finstas to see whose pictures he likes on IG? I’m sure they could find an incriminating DM in five seconds flat. Put the sisterhood to good use, Katie!
In the end, Katie also remembers the blow-up doll incident (I’m sure it was seared into her brain as it was in mine) and sends Cody home almost immediately. Though Katie comes off calm and collected when she gives Cody the boot, she still seems pretty rattled from the whole experience. Look, Katie, this is not the crowd you want smelling your fear. There’s nothing more terrifying than a large group of straight men who sense your deepest insecurity. Have you seen Jaws? Well, Katie, there’s blood in the water now. Swim, bitch, swim!
Karl is the first shark to capitalize off her fragile mindset when he takes it upon himself to start sh*t at the rose ceremony. If you’ll recall, Karl is the motivational speaker who so eloquently said in the first group date that being the perfect lover means “17 hours of f*ck action.” So, you could say his energy is just a constant state of mercury being in retrograde.
— Lily Pink (@lilypink156) June 15, 2021
He spins a tale for Katie of a mysterious “not here for the right reasons” boogeyman. Does he have a concrete example he can elaborate on? Absolutely not. Will he reveal his source? Only if he loses control over one of his other personalities. He might as well have a flashlight held up underneath his face for all the dramatic effect he’s going for. Buddy, this isn’t Are You Afraid of the Dark? Save your ghost stories for the campfire.
And while we know this is bullsh*t, Katie starts to spiral. She gives an impassioned speech to the men telling them to GTFO of the house if they aren’t there to be her husband.
KATIE: I just learned that there are still people here who aren’t here for the right f*cking reason.
Karl tries to save his ass by asking that the “person” who isn’t there for the right reasons come forward. As if this “person” will just appear out of thin air simply because he manifests a villain to save his time on the show. That’s not how manifestation works! You need at least three Pratt Daddy crystals while you chant the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song. Duh.
While Katie and the men fan out to find the Not Here For The Right Reasons Bandit, might I suggest they take a closer look at Katie’s stylist? Because I’m less worried that one of these men will pull a fast one on her and more worried that she’s being sabotaged by her stylist. Her look for the cowboy themed group date was… a choice. Look, I know Stagecoach has become, like, an entire personality trait at this point, but did they have to model her outfit off of an Olsen twin’s How The West Was Fun costume? And dear god, don’t even get me started on that rose ceremony getup. Katie is a gorgeous girl and they have her dressed like a Slytherin at her first Yule Ball. Is that metallic… green?? Katie, you’re too pretty for what they’re doing to you!
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ME ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:
And that’s all she wrote for this episode, kids! The rose ceremony ends before we’re allowed any real resolution. The only people for sure moving are rose winners from this week’s dates: Greg, Andrew S., and Thomas. Until then, friends!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (3); Quora (1); @spencerpratt /Instagram (1); @lilypink156 /Twitter (1); @tvgoldtweets /Twitter (2); @the_style_spotter /Instagram (1)
Happy International Women’s Day, people!! What better way to celebrate empowering women than by watching a conventionally attractive man rail three of them in one weekend? That’s right: Fantasy Suites are here! If it feels weird to watch what is essentially a three-day orgy take place during the height of a pandemic—you’re not alone in those feelings! Never mind that Heather probably had to undergo more testing to drive that minivan within five feet of production than any of these people will have had before they swap bodily fluids for 72 hours straight. But you know, cheers to love and all of that.
Two weeks ago, Matt narrowed his group of women down to the final three: Michelle, Bri, and Rachael. But before we get to the sex, Matt tells us he can’t move forward in his Bachelor journey without first solving his daddy issues. Um, Matt, I’m glad you’re working on yourself and all of that, but don’t you think you should have worked on those intimacy issues before coming on a show that ends in a rapid-speed engagement? It took me and my therapist an entire year just to talk through the time the samples boy at Costco did not return my flirting, and you think one ambush is gonna cut it?
Okay, Matt is even gigantic compared to his own father. How is he so tall? He could fit his dad in the pocket of his jeggings!
MATT: You cheated on my mom and that has permanently altered the way I trust people and engage in romantic relationships.
This conversation feels very… not staged. I’m shocked. Matt is being open and vulnerable. At one point he cries in the interview room. This is the most emotion I’ve seen out of him all season, and I’m including the time he almost killed Bri with a dune buggy.
I’m not sure what Matt was hoping to get from this conversation, but their talk ends amicably. Matt’s dad says he’s going to try more. Matt says he’ll try more too—he’ll try more to muster up the energy to pretend to want to bang those three women who are in love with him. All is right in the world.
Michelle’s Fantasy Suite Date
Now that Matt got the Chuck E. Cheese thing out of his system, he’s ready to make sweet, sweet love to the longest-limbed human I’ve ever seen. You can tell Matt is really into Michelle because he came dressed to the date wearing jeans that are actually painted on him. Matthew! Save something for the bedroom, buddy!
For the day portion of the date, Matt takes Michelle to the Pennsylvania Dutch Spa. I think this is supposed to be relaxing and romantic, a way for Matt to literally butter Michelle up before she finds out in the fantasy suite that Matt’s open-eye kissing thing extends to other parts of the bedroom as well…
Okay, I’ve never watched a fantasy suite date before that made me this nervous for a girl’s pH levels. They’re pouring hot butter on each other, rubbing oatmeal into every crevice of their bodies, soaking in baths of what I assume is unpasteurized milk—this entire date is a cautionary tale my gyno told me to scare me about getting UTIs.
The more Matt and Michelle talk, the more I feel like they are pretty perfect for each other, which I’m sure means Matt will run as fast and as far away from her as possible. Michelle talks about how her parents taught her to model healthy, loving relationships. Matt says he didn’t have that growing up, but Michelle still thinks he’s her person anyway. I really want these two to work out. I mean, with wingspans like that, if they ever procreate their children could reform Mt. Olympus! Think of the possibilities!
More evidence that Matt is super into Michelle: He shows up to dinner showing zero skin from the chin down. Seriously, where does this man shop? How does one amass a wardrobe that consists of turtlenecks and skinny jeans and almost nothing else? ABC, I need answers!
MICHELLE: I would truly love the opportunity to get to know you better.
Michelle accepts the overnight invitation, and BOY, to be a fly on the wall when she explains this to her fourth graders in a few weeks. I’m sure little Ethan will ask her the hard questions again, like if she came or if she just moaned a few times until he stopped jabbing the walls of her uterine lining and called it a day.
Okay, why does this morning after look so tame? They’re lounging on the bed and Michelle is wearing an entire outfit underneath that silk robe. The only signs of any intense ardor is a singular rumpled pillow on the ground. Like, did they lose sleep having hot sex or because Michelle taught him the song to remember all the U.S. Presidents? I honestly can’t tell.
Bri’s Fantasy Suite Date
Bri’s up next, and she’s about as confident about her place in Matt’s heart as I am that I can pull off mom jeans. She was his last pick at the last rose ceremony, and thinks that might be an indicator of where their relationship ranks compared to his with the other girls. I’m not going to say this is all in her head, because the “fantasy” date he has planned for her involves hiking boots and a tent from Costco’s summer sale. Like, she knows you already rubbed hundreds of dollars worth of raw milk all over Michelle’s supple body yesterday, and you think she’s not gonna judge that y’all’s first time involved thermal underwear and a rock wedged in her spine?
BRI: You know how to pitch a tent?
I have a feeling she is not talking about where they’re going to sleep tonight. No one could “pitch a tent” in pants that tight.
Oh okay, phew. Bri is allowed out of Matt’s Blair Witch Project and taken on some semblance of a real date. For the evening portion he takes her to an actual dinner at a place with an actual roof over their heads. A far cry from the boiled water and power bar situation Bri was probably envisioning hours earlier.
Wow, Bri looks absolutely stunning this evening. I wish I could wear a dress like that and not have to be encased in head-to-toe Spanx or undergo some sort of structural engineering with Kim K’s body tape.
Matt and Bri bond over their absentee fathers, and he is really using this same story to get into all of their pants. Like, no script change or anything from when he gave this speech to Michelle. Bold. I guess this is the least his dad could do for him. He didn’t need quality time, he just needed this story to recycle in case he ever felt like getting laid.
Okay, Bri understands what to pack for a night alone with your man. The cameras cut to their morning after and she’s draped in lace and silk. She’s cooking breakfast with pants that have slits up to her vagine. She’s pulling out alllll the stops. I just really wish I could see this for her. I think Matt is attracted to her and understands her, but they’re almost too similar or something. I don’t think he wants to end up with someone who has a similar family situation. But perhaps I’m reading too much into these strangers’ lives.
Rachael’s Fantasy Suite Date
Rachael is last this week, which I’m convinced was a strategic move on production’s part so the viewers back home could watch her slowly come apart at the seams over the last 90 minutes of this episode. I will say, her crying and pouting routine is really showing her age. What? You’re telling me you’ve never slept with a guy who’s actively sleeping with other people while he’s emotionally invested in you? What are you, 12? Grow up.
Rachael asks Matt how he’s been, and boy, is that a loaded question. Matt can tell that Rachael is being weird and he has questions. Well, get in line, buddy, because so do I. First up: what’s going on with the cut-out of that crop top? Why the belly button? Is it a Gen Z thing? Is the U-shape important? ABC, I need answers!
Okay, Rachael is being reallll pouty on this date. She freaks out halfway through their ceramics activity and pulls Matt aside to talk privately. Nothing is more of a mood killer than insecurity, let me tell you.
RACHAEL: This week is the lowest I’ve ever felt.
MATT: Well if it makes you feel any better, Bri had to pitch my tent for me!
Matt, she doesn’t want to hear about your handjobs! Keep that stuff to yourself.
I just don’t understand why Rachael is so freaked out. She just graduated college, like, yesterday. Surely casual sex is a culture she can understand!
By the evening portion of the date, Rachael has completely forgotten about the fact that Matt has swapped more bodily fluids in the past 72 hours than a Walgreens COVID test kiosk. Rachael shows up to the dinner in a hot little red number that has Matt actually licking his lips at the sight of her. Vomit.
I think he knows she’s really hot and really into him and it’s giving him the craziest boner. Also, watching him be so into Rachael, who (all controversies aside) is clearly the youngest and most immature out of the ladies he has left, is making me think less of him. If this is the kind of girl he wants to pursue, then he’s not ready for marriage. YOU’RE A SHAM.
The Rose Ceremony
We don’t even get a morning after from Matt and Rachael’s date, and that’s how you know the sex was good. They couldn’t even tame it down for the cameras. I’m imagining Rachael staggering out of that suite, her neck raw from Matt’s turtleneck chafing. It’s best that footage remains in the vault, I think.
Instead, we jump straight into the rose ceremony. All of the ladies are decked out in black, which I can only assume is because they are mourning the loss of their dignity. Carry on, gals.
HOLY SH*T. Bri is going home? But she’s wearing a high-neck dress! She’s speaking his love language!! This is possibly the worst rose ceremony to be sent home at. Now all of America knows who gives the worst blowjobs. Plus, she left her high-powered job for this. My heart is truly breaking for her.
And that’s all she wrote, kids! See you next week for the epic finale to a season that definitely wasn’t already spoiled for us five weeks ago. Until then!
Images: @bachelorabc /Instagram (2); @ABC (2); Giphy (1)
How are we feeling, Handmaid-heads? This week’s recap is rated NC-17 so please don’t read it out loud to your kids! Considering how much of this week’s plot revolved around semen, it’s really the best I could do. We begin with just a snippet of Symphony Number 9 by Beethoven (deep cut) before we go straight to June, limping her way back to Commander Zaddy’s house with Aunt Lydia. Apparently Lydia’s plan to move June out of the Lawrence house from two episodes ago is no longer a thing.
Lydia: You’re a good girl, OfJoseph.
Me: Didn’t you and all the other aunts just do a roundtable shit talking sesh of her? Two-faced bitches…
Turns out the Lawrences have redecorated to “D.C. standards” according to “Commander Waterford’s proclamation.” Now the Waterfords aren’t only rich family in Gilead that can’t bring themselves to buy a f*cking lamp.
In the kitchen, June catches up with Beth the Martha, who tells her that the delicious basket of scones on the table are actually a message from the #Resistance telling her they can’t get any more meds for Madame Zaddy, whose mental illness has been getting worse. This is why we take our meds, people.
Martha Beth: Scones mean no.
Me: Aaaaand I know what my new tattoo is going to say!
June wastes no time letting everybody know about her plan to free all the children in Gilead. Apparently she’s completely cured of the insanity she displayed the past two episodes, and nobody is going to bring it up again, just like the time I lost my sh*t during Spring Break and had to leave Cabo early. Oops.
June: I’m going to free all the children!
Finally Commander Zaddy/Lawrence appears, looking all conflicted.
June: You know you could free your wife and take her to Canada where she could get help.
Lawrence: Okay well you’ve been home for less than five minutes, so why don’t you chill?
At the Grocery Store AKA The Den of the Resistance
June heads over to the juice aisle, which is basically a freedom fighters’ bunker at this point, to tell OfRobert about her amazing plan to free all the children.
OfRobert: I can’t talk to you. They’re watching us. And you’re really conspicuous.
Finally, somebody tells her.
The handmaids are then all ushered to a stadium that is conveniently attached to the grocery store for an “inspection” by none other than Fred Waterford, the human embodiment of the word “ugh”. He has taken his micropenis compensation tour to DC, where he’s doing fabulously. He arrives and starts bothering June immediately, like an ex who texts you “merry Christmas” after not seeing him for seven months.
Fred is joined by Commander Winslow (or, as he is known in the comment section, Commander Stabler) and Serena Joy, who opts not to mention the fact that last time she and June hung out, June tried to stab her with a tiny knife. Tactful.
Stabler immediately starts going in on all the handmaids and points out Janine’s new velvet eyepatch as not “regulation.”
Me/Aunt Lydia’s Inner Monologue: YOU KEEP JANINE’S NAME OUT YOUR MOUTH BITCH!!!!!
Commander Winslow then turns to June to ask her how she’s liking living with Commander Lawrence, to which she replies that he “treats her with respect.”
Back at Commander Zaddy’s
June has been free for 48 hours and wastes no time breaking into offices to steal important documents. She’s in Commander Lawrence’s office, which is literally full of books. Stacks and stacks of books—Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, The Other Boleyn Girl—he’s got ‘em all. Just as she’s about to give up her search, June finds a valuable ally in Madame Zaddy, who can probably still smell June’s crazy and sees her as a kindred spirit. Despite all the sh*t everyone has been talking about her, Mrs. Lawrence seems pretty with it and cool at this moment. Maybe the best medicine for her illness is…collusion!??!
Luckily for June who, in case you forgot, is going to free all of the children, her commander keeps files on all the children born to handmaids in Gilead conveniently located in his basement.
June gets the documents and immediately turns to her own file, which is kind of like when you look at your own Insta page to try and see how it looks through someone else’s eyes. (We all do this, right??)
June: Have you ever considered leaving Gilead?
Madame Z: You mean go somewhere where I could get mood stabilizers instead of herbal tea?
Honestly are we even sure that Madame Zaddy is crazy? Or is she just another woman who has fallen victim to that label when really she’s just having normal emotional reactions to the intensity of her surroundings? **exhales large puff of marijuana smoke**
Sadly, MZ explains can’t just leave because her husband is a “war criminal” who “invented the colonies” and is “responsible for unspeakable torture and death.” Don’t ya just hate when that happens?
Anyway, this scene ends with MZ finding a mysterious looking special box and bouncing back upstairs.
At the Waterfords’ Hotel
Back at their hotel, Fred is clearly jealous that June has found a new commander who is cool and not a rapist. As most insecure people do, he then immediately starts talking sh*t on Lawrence to Winslow, dragging him for not getting any of his handmaids pregnant. As we know, Fred is just projecting here because he knows deep in his soul that he is the one who is shooting blanks and he couldn’t get a handmaid pregnant if he came in her brain. (I told you this was rated NC-17.)
Then Fred and Winslow start speaking cryptically about a way to “ensure virility” in the Lawrence household and Serena Joy is like, “Uh…isn’t that a little extreme?” The last time something like this happened, Fred assaulted June into going into labor, so I think we can all tell immediately that whatever the f*ck this is, it’s not going to be good.
June gets called in from looking up where all her friend’s children are (Janine’s son is dead, btw) by a very freaked-out looking Martha who tells her “they need you in the sitting room.”
It’s immediately clear that things are set up for Ceremony, which makes me realize we haven’t seen a Ceremony at all since last season. Not that I’m complaining.
Fred, Serena, Winslow, and Aunt Lydia all show up and we realize that apparently tonight’s ceremony is also a group date. I’m immediately like, okay so where is this going exactly? Are they gonna watch them do it? Are they gonna put them into bed and then check the sheets like in Shakespearean times? Will Aunt Lydia sub in and give Lawrence a hand job?
Eventually we find out that while they are not going to actually watch the Ceremony go down (good), they are going to have a doctor immediately “examine” June to make sure she has man seed inside her. For religious folk, these Gileadens really are freaks.
For his part, Commander Lawrence is extremely not into what is happening and immediately tries to find a way to get out of it. So was I, as I was watching it. Suddenly I’m over here thinking that maybe he could finish in his own hand and then give it to her somehow and then she would—you know what, I’m not even going to finish this.
Sadly, there is no way out and it is June herself who has to tell Commander and Madame Z that they’re just gonna have to f*ck now. MZ does not love this idea, which again, isn’t really all that crazy and is a pretty appropriate reaction for what is happening around her. She starts screaming and sh*t but then June, who has gone from insane herself to human Prozac in just one episode, calms her down.
They have sex—or whatever you would call what just happened between the two of them—but for the first time ever, Handmaid’s Tale doesn’t make us watch it. Thanks, I guess? As promised, June is “examined” in front of an audience of three people and found to be sufficiently cream-pied (I believe that is the medical term).
TLDR: I think the whole point of this scene is to show Lawrence that the world he cannot protect himself or his wife from the world he has created, and force him to #resist. Also we learn that the punishment for using contraception is being torn apart by dogs.
At the Waterfords’ Hotel
Cut to: the Waterfords relaxing after a hard day of rape by proxy.
Serena is annoyed at Fred for focusing on his career over their kidnapped baby. She then tells him about her hot American friend in Canada who gave her ciggs that one time, and tells friend they can work with him to get baby Nichole back. F*ck the Waterfords.
Our episode ends with June convincing OfRobert and Janine to help her get all the children out of Gilead. With Commander Z fully flipped, June now has access to a truck. June does not tell Janine that her son is dead, which is probably wise.
Back at the Lawrence residence, Beth the Martha put out feelers for the whole “freeing the children” and the response was…not scones!!! It’s muffins!!! Scones mean no!!! Muffins mean yes!!! June is really going to save the children!!!
This moment of triumph is ruined by June looking to camera and saying, “we’re gonna need a bigger boat,” at which point I threw my laptop across the room. I’ll leave you with this video of comedian Andrew Farmer doing an impression of Ann Dowd (Aunt Lydia) as Ursula the sea witch. Enjoy.
Ann Dowd as Ursula the Sea Witch. Come on. #AnnDowdAsEveryVillain pic.twitter.com/czGuKbJ39o
— Andrew Farmer (@thatsajellyfish) May 24, 2019
Well, fam, I’m back to recapping this godforsaken show. Lol I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me. For those of you who dragged me for not recapping the last episode in the comments of my last Riverdale-related article, just know that I had better things to do that night. I hope that answer was as satisfying for you as it was for me. Anyway, if you, like me, had other shit going on THREE WEEKS AGO when The CW last tried to actually air an episode for once in their goddamn lives, here is what you missed: Cheryl got rescued from the conversion camp and made out with Toni in the process. Archie is a fucking idiot who thinks he has an actual career as one of Hiram’s thugs. I’m glad he dreams big. In an interesting twist of events, the Serpents hate Betty even though she gave up her virginity for their cause. Also, Alice and FP might have banged. I’m sure some other shit happened, but like I said, it’s been three fucking weeks since the last episode aired so forgive me if my memory is a little foggy. Shall we move on to this episode?
Oh god. Oh god NO. Is this whole fucking episode going to be polluted with musical numbers?? Lord, Jesus, fix it.
RIVERDALE WRITERS: You know what will get us a third season? A musical episode!
ME: But I’m a good fucking person!
All I have to say is if I’m expected to sit through an entire hour of jazz hands and poorly written lyrics on teen angst, then Alice and FP better have banged or I’m storming The CW headquarters. That’s all I’m saying.
So I’m two seconds into this episode and they’ve sung the word “crap” three times too many. Jesus, this is going to be a long fucking night.
Is it just me or does Archie sound like the kid from The Goofy Movie when he sings?
^^ A deleted scene from the Andrews’ house
LOL they cast Alice as an actual part in a high school musical. I love how the adults on this show don’t have those pesky little things called jobs that they have to go to every day to, like, support their kids and their crop top addictions.
Kevin, who is supposedly in charge of this abomination, casts Betty to play the good girl, Veronica to play the mean girl, and Cheryl to play batshit crazy Carrie. So, like, he went with a pretty literal interpretation of the characters in Carrie, huh?
Cheryl almost gets taken out by a sandbag during an unnecessary musical number, and all I can think is “did I move that sandbag with my mind??” It’s highly plausible, as right now I’m wishing bodily harm onto every single one of these people, including my beloved Cheryl, for making me sit through this shit.
Kevin finds a note from The Black Hood demanding he recast the role of Carrie with anyone but Cheryl. Who knew The Black Hood would be this invested in the politics of a high school musical production? Meanwhile, everyone is acting shook that The Black Hood could possibly be back. They forget the crime was solved by Betty and Archie so it had a 30/80 success rate to begin with.
Okay, are Alice and FP just not going to talk about how they totally banged?? The fact that FP is straight-up ignoring Alice after their little night together is the most realistic thing I’ve seen on this entire show. Also, FP, you can call me.
Veronica goes through an entire musical number about being a bitch whilst grinding on Chuck on stage left. How can this possibly be school sanctioned? HOW.
Okay, Archie is a fucking terrible son. Fred finally finds out that Hiram bought Archie a v expensive car in exchange for his loyalty? Banging his daughter? Throwing shitty comebacks at his enemies? Tbh it’s hard to say why he deserved that car, but Fred is PISSED.
FRED: I wanted to take you to the junkyard, pick out a car, and fix it up with you. Wouldn’t that have been beautiful?
Mrs. Blossom refuses to sign Cheryl’s permission form to be in the musical so she can no longer be Carrie and I can no longer have nice things. So they need a signed permission slip to join the school musical yet Archie can form a gang called THE RED CIRCLE and film a homoerotic video on school campus? K.
Toni runs after Cheryl to give her a pep talk about how she hasn’t gone soft and she’s still a murderous bitch. Respect.
CHERYL: I’m not the same girl anymore who burned down Thorne Hill and cut off my mom’s oxygen.
ME: YES YOU ARE BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
Meanwhile, during Alice’s solo because, yes, they gave the mother of a student her own fucking solo, she starts having a literal mental breakdown on stage. Think Britney right before she shaved her head. Alice keeps talking about how everyone always leaves her and she can’t even get a text back from FP. Meanwhile, Betty is looking like she’s about to call CPS on herself over the whole thing. It’s the best thing I’ve seen in my entire damn life.
KEVIN: Am I directing a train wreck?
I literally could not have said it better myself, Kev.
Archie admits he’s been fucking up a lot this year. I can already tell he’s going to use that “dark path” bit for his college essay next fall. Sooo original. He goes to confront Hiram about getting in the way of his relationship with his dad. He’s like “don’t try me because that’s a battle you’ll lose” and I’m like “lol remember yesterday when you told your dad you’d rather support MR. LODGE than YOUR OWN FATHER in the mayoral race?”
Ugh are Alice and Hal about to get back together? Why? Just because FP blows her off once? No, no, no, no, no, Alice. You call FP about 100 more times until he loses the will to live. We must persist, girlfriend.
CHIC ISN’T HAL’S KID. I don’t know why I put that in all caps because that fact has been pretty damn clear since day one. But also now I need to know who the father of the prom baby really is. Like, ASAP.
It’s opening night and they’re all singing “this will be a night you’ll never forget” which I 1,000 percent agree with because I certainly will never forget how The CW has tortured me for the past 42 minutes with this American Idol-esq farce they call a musical episode.
We cut to Cheryl, who looks like she is ready to set the entire world aflame. *turns up volume* GIRL, YOU CAN GET IT. Omfg. Homegirl just confronted her mother IN PIG’S BLOOD and threatened to burn down another house. I’m definitely keeping this strategy in mind for the next time my mom bitches about
helping me pa y paying for my gym membership.
CHERYL: *does something batshit and diabolical*
Jughead, who up until this point in the episode has been standing there like a dipshit with his camera, figures out that Ethel might be the person behind The Black Hood letters. That’s right, I said “might be” as in he’s actually discovered nothing. Seriously, Jughead, what is your purpose during this episode?
Chic shows up and is just as creepy and terrifying as I remembered him. Why do I feel like this night is going to end with another
murder moment of morbid family bonding for the Cooper family?
The episode ends with the play finally fucking starting. It’s like The CW wants to drag this shit out for as long as possible, and also for me to get drunk. Because that’s the only way I’ll be able to sit through another goddamn musical episode.
Wait. OMFG. Is Midge aka the new Carrie knifed to the fucking stage??
Well, that is not how I saw this production ending, but it certainly was a dramatic as it was advertised. I admire Kevin’s dedication to his craft. Brava!
Images: Giphy (4); @madelame /Instagram (1); The CW (3)
So, Real Housewives of New York City is still on a tequila binge in Tequila, Mexico and if you haven’t watched this episode yet, I’d highly recommend it. It will definitely make you feel better about every questionable decision you’ve ever made.
Anyway, the episode starts out with everyone talking about their boobs, which then results in everyone being naked and running around.
Carole: I bare my boobs for art. The rest of the girls bare their boobs for tequila. PS, I have the best boobs of the group. They’re real.
Ramona and Bethenny have a nice moment in the pool.
Ramona: I really like you
Bethenny: I’m a pretty cool person
Ramona: But I feel like you don’t like me
Bethenny: Well, I don’t like you right now
The conversation then turns back to the comments Ramona made about Bethenny being naked in the press and how that must have affected B’s daughter, Brynn. I would just like to note that Bethenny is literally ass naked during this conversation.
On the other side of the pool, Dorinda is trying to get a pants-less Sonja dressed.
Dorinda: It’s literally like trying to put a bikini on a piece of spaghetti.
Anyway, back to Bethenny and Ramona. They’re literally screaming (slurring) and crying in the pool and there are little nude-colored pixel square censors over Bethenny’s boobs. I actually feel like I’m watching two Sims fight right now. The conversation ends with them making up, but we all know they’ll end up picking another fight soon.
Sonja’s still super drunk and asks Bethenny if she’ll have sex with her, but B isn’t down.
Bethenny: I’m sorry. You’re barking up the wrong vagina.
Bethenny is the first one at dinner again and she’s pissed because she always shows up late to shit and is still somehow the first one there. SAME, B.
Obviously, everyone’s been blacked out for a few days, so there are like, five separate arguments brewing. Dorinda starts yelling at Bethenny and so Bethenny and Tinsley start running around her and it’s just a mess of slurring and dancing. It’s truly beautiful.
Then, in the middle of Tinsley apologizing to Ramona (apparently this is just the episode where everyone’s going to black out and apologize like a bunch of drunk girls in a club bathroom becoming best friends), the women start to hear fireworks and all immediately stop their conversations and run outside to stand under the fireworks and scream. However, during the fireworks, Dorinda is concerned because she cut her hand.
Dorinda: I cut my hand off.
Bethenny: Do not give me a psychoanalysis.
Dorinda: I gave you a psychoanalysis about your life?
Bethenny: I keep getting into fights with these wasted blondes. It’s like, they have all this resentment about my success.
Is this just like, a giant war between blondes and brunettes? Isn’t that what Gossip Girl was for? Didn’t Serena and Blair teach us that party girl blondes and power-hungry brunettes all have their own great qualities and don’t need to compete with one another? Like, hello, this is 2017! Women don’t need to be competing with one another, they’re supposed to be obsessed with each other and leave the fire emoji on each other’s Instagram posts. Duh.
The next morning, the women are getting ready to go to yoga and Ramona decides to fill Luann in on all the ~dramz~ she missed.
Ramona: I had a great talk with Bethenny last night. We bared our souls (read: tits) to each other. It was good.
Luann: Until you screw it up again. *signature insane Luann laugh*
There’s a lot of awkward tension between Dorinda and Bethenny. Dorinda basically doesn’t think she needs to apologize for last night, because she was too blackout to remember. Instead of an apology, she’s basically like “whatever, I was drunk.” And instead of understanding the fact that sometimes when you drink tequila for multiple days straight, you say things you don’t mean, Bethenny is super pissed.
Sonja’s in a super good mood, which is making her really tired.
Sonja: I’m so exhausted from being happy!
Then Dorinda pulls Bethenny outside to apologize and Bethenny pulls off one of the greatest humble brags of all time. She starts crying and talking about how hard it is to be so successful because she doesn’t want to sound like she’s gloating all of the time. She’s truly a modern day Gretchen Wieners.
Bethenny: I have an emotional hangover. I’m back to being the crier.
I am TOTALLY going to use that line sometime in the very near future.
Everyone is getting massages and relaxing and boating and shit-talking.
Tinsley is on a boat planning a party to say thank you, but also fuck you, to Sonja for letting her live with her for a few months.
Carole says that she’s good at fishing even though she’s not good at very many things. If anyone wants to take a quick back-read through some of my recaps from this season and fish out all of the times Carole bragged about being good at something outdoorsy, but then complained that she’s not outdoorsy the next episode, please be my guest.
Surprise, surprise, Carole didn’t catch a fish so they go grab one from a market to pretend that she did. They even take a picture with the fish to make it look like Carole caught it. Of course, Luann isn’t buying it and assumes the captain caught it or something.
Finally, it’s the last night and everyone’s waiting for someone to fuck it all up.
Bethenny: I think to end this trip, somebody should be killed. It’s weird if we all go home too happy. I need my frenemies back.
Now that’s a woman that has her priorities straight!
For the last night, the women all go out to dinner and Tinsley is the drunkest one this time. It’s basically just more drunk yelling.
Luann: Tinsley, you should stop saying the F word so much because we’re at a restaurant.
Tinsley: Well, you say Palm Beach all of the time and it’s actually West Palm, soo… it’s West Palm, so whatever.
I can’t tell if that’s the best or worst comeback I’ve ever heard.
Anyway, next week is the season finale and I really hope they’re not all too hungover to make it interesting.
I really wanted last night’s episode of The Bachelor to be the one where Corinne like, finally explodes but it didn’t happen so I’m really sad right now. While she did do her normal shtick of sitting out of normal yet mandatory Bachelor group events like shoveling “poopie”, talking about her nanny Raquel, and threatening to beat the shit out of the mental health counselor Taylor, she actually kept her composure when the group of girls were confronting her which was really surprising. You know what wasn’t surprising? Nick coincidentally bumping into his ex on the street. Like COME ON, Bachelor producers. As Corinne would say, “I’m not an idiot, stop treating me like an idiot!!”
Rose Ceremony From Last Week
As Vanessa confronts Nick about the “Bouncy Castle Incident” she asks him really smart, justified questions to which Nick responds: …like idk
Corinne: I’m not privileged in any shape or form. Like, Raquel makes me throw out the waxing strips after she’s done giving me a Brazilian. You call that privileged?
Corinne thinks the rose ceremony is just like high school physics class where you get 20 unexcused absences.
Serious question: What’s the difference between Whitney and Astrid? They’re the same face. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
Sarah: “I don’t know how the bounce house situation unfolded but I don’t think it was the best.” – Way to be a diplomat Sarah.
Corinne’s response: Why are Taylor and Sarah so obsessed with me?
There’s a colonial woman in the Bachelor house—no wait, it’s Raven.
Why are they all freaking out that he gave the rose to Corinne. They all said it—she straddled him in the bouncy castle!!!
Christen leaves literally speechless like she’s at mafia funeral. Nods her head at Nick and walks out.
Then Chris Harrison walks in to tell them the good news:
Pack your bags girls, you’re going to be traveling the world… you’re going to be starting your journey to … (they’re all thinking omg where are we going, Italy? Bali?!) … WISCONSIN!
You know you’re getting cabin fever when you’re jumping up and down at the thought of going to fucking Milwaukee.
Date With Danielle L
Nick’s mom is Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday after the switch
Nick: This is where I first got dumped, unfortunately that one wasn’t televised like my last 3 have been.
I used to hang out at the library but not to read books, to make out with girls. – OKAY Nick.
I used to hook up with girls on that football field right there! – ummm, this is getting sad.
Nick talks about his exes wayyyyyy too much. Perhaps as if they never existed.
But oh wait, there’s one. Magically sitting in that window. And look, she’s already mic’ed so they can have this spontaneous sit-down!
That convo with Amber the “Ex” was super boring. She probably wasn’t even one of his exes; she was def a production assistant who was down for some screen time—but like, a PA who clearly doesn’t pay attention to the show because she said that Nick’s problem was that he can’t give all of himself to a relationship. That’s literally the opposite of his problem, AMBER. Cough Andi cough Kaitlyn cough literally anyone else he’s mentioned on the Nick Dumping Tour of Milwaukee.
And if Amber was really his ex I think we all just wanted to hear some embarrassing stories like, this one time you guys were on a date and Nick accidentally sharted and had to go home.
Side note: Nick being on The Bachelor is the greatest thing to happen to Milwaukee since they set the movie Bridesmaids here. And even then they knew it was shitty.
Danielle L. def lives for a low plunging dress. On part 2 of their date Nick asks her the hard hitting relationship questions like this one: “When was the last time you went grocery shopping in sweatpants?”
Correct answer: All the time.
Wine & Sweatpants: the only one-on-one I need. Get your Bachelor T-shirt here!
Extra yet super important side note:
Omg do you know who Danielle looks just like—TAYLOR TOWNSEND FROM THE O.C.
Group Farm Chore Date
“We’re in Wisconsin and I couldn’t be happier,” Danielle M says and she couldn’t look less happy.
“Cows are okay” – Corinne
I don’t really understand this date becasue Nick would never do this. Like, have you seen his low cut V-necks? You can’t be a farmer in those clothes.
Corinne: I don’t wanna do chores, let alone do farm chores. I wouldn’t even let Raquel do farm chores. She’s above farm chores. She works for me.
I LOVE how she calls them chores because that’s what adults tell children responsibilities are.
I totally feel Corinne, I would not be into this. Anyone who would be into this would be lying or better suited for Chris Soules. They’re like, in their nice boots stepping in cow shit.
At least I hope the date card said: Wear your shitty boots. We suggest Michael Kors.
TBH the girls only talk about Corinne because they probably have nothing else to say to Nick.
Nick can’t milk the cows so Jamie’s like “I’m bisexual I can do it.”
“Dude I need sushi” – Corinne, and all of us.
Later in the date, Nick sits down with Vanessa. She puts his legs on her, as she does, and hands him a book her students and coworkers made for her. WAIT, what? They made him a book before Vanessa knew him? As in, she asked them to make her a book of pictures of Vanessa in bikinis to give to a dude she hasn’t met yet. Fucking school teachers and their assignments.
This is the book she gave him:
“I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking that nap” – SOML, CORINNE. I need to get a needle point of that on a pillow.
“Michael Jordan took naps, Abe Lincoln took naps, Corinne takes naps.” You know that episode of Rugrats when they all go inside Chuckie, well, I’d really like to do that but with Corinne’s brain.
Kristina: I had a really hard childhood, can I tell you about it?
Nick: Maybe another time.
I don’t really understand why everyone’s like “Corinne I don’t think you’re mature enough for marriage; you have to be there for him.” Can everyone like take a fucking chill pill. If he’s going to pick her he’s going to pick her, that’s it. Whether or not you think she’s mature or not has nothing to do with it. Maybe she’ll be the perfect Insta Wife for him. Who knows, SARAH, TAYLOR, AND KRISTINA. WHO KNOWS!?
On that same note:
Corinne: “Nick and I didn’t kiss when we talked. It was all more of like an adult convo.”
Date With Raven
The date card said: Raven let’s kick it. That screams Netflix and Chill tbh.
Nick: “I’m really proud of the ladies in my life: my 12-year-old sister, and this girl I met 3 weeks ago”
It was really uncomfortable to watch Raven speak to Nick’s parents because she like, wouldn’t make eye contact with them. She would just look straight and speak to them from the side. Like a fucking Raven.
WHY IS NICK WEARING SUCH A LOW-CUT SHIRT ON THIS DATE WITH HIS SISTER?
Raven: This date was great because I could see how fucking terrible at soccer Nick was.
The point of this date was that Nick just wanted Bella to be the coolest teen at high school, obviously.
While they’re roller skating, some kid falls, Nick rides around him and screams SUCKAHHHH.
The date with Raven was like, sort of cute. I’m probably feeling that because of editing with the wise choice of music from She’s All That but whatevs, I’ll admit… it was cute.
Second Half Of Their Date:
Wait wait wait WAIT…she beat the shit out of her ex boyfriend and his mistress WHILE they were naked, with her stiletto? Like, did he have to go to the hospital?
First of all, that story was a tad graphic. “He was on top of her. Thrusting her.” Did she tell this version to her parents?
Second of all. Broke the door down. Threw her off of him. Beat him in the head with a stiletto. I mean.
If he’s turned on by it, they’re right for each other.
…But with hicks.
Nick: The more I learn about Raven I realize she’s this very interesting, sassy, borderline serial killing woman …that I love.
Okay like, what’s with all the roller skates? Where did they come from, why are they roller skating AGAIN in the museum, didn’t they have enough roller skating from all of the roller skating this entire afternoon? So many questions.
I honestly hope this Corinne vs. Taylor thing pops off. I need more drama!!!
I also love how Josephine was totally manipulating Corinne to go say something to her.
Josephine: I totally agree with you. Taylor’s a bitch. I think someone should say something.
Corinne: I’m gonna ::puts mini crescent dog in her mouth:: do it
Josephine: chew your food.
The fact that Taylor is trying to therapize Corinne just shows she’s not a very good mental health counselor. Corinne never asked for therapy. Also, you can’t tell someone with low emotional intelligence that they have low emotional intelligence, because how are they supposed to realize how unself-aware they are if they’re not self-aware to begin with, Taylor?
On that same note:
“Taylor seems to still have a problem with me, so tonight I’m gonna punch her in the face” – things people who are ready to get married say.
Alexis is like your cool camp counselor that let you sneak over to the boys’ bunk…
Alexis: My two biggest fears are aliens and Nicholas Cage — same Alexis, same.