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You hear that? That is the New Moon in Aries telling you it’s time to GTFO of your pandemic funk and start taking action. You know the thing you’ve been putting off for an entire year because *gestures broadly at everything* well, now is the time to start making moves. Aries is the start of the astrological new year, and the New Moon is the perfect time to start something, well, new. Or better yet, to take on a new attitude about something you thought you’d already made up your mind about. Like maybe Monday morning meetings could have *some* value.

Aries

Ouch! Is that an old wound? A New Moon in your sign means some unresolved conflict, or even childhood trauma, may come to the surface so that you can finally put it to rest. You can’t accept the New Moon’s powers if old shit is holding you back, so let it go! That man at the mall has probably forgotten all about the time you accidentally called him “dad” in Sam Goody back in 1999.

Taurus

Stop ignoring your intuition, Taurus! With the New Moon in Aries, your intuition is on fire and your gut is primed to point you in the right direction. Your only mission is to not second guess yourself when you feel the urge to do something different for a change. Unless that urge is to swipe right on someone holding a dead fish in their photo. Some things are just non-negotiable.

Gemini

This month’s New Moon will be delivering tons of opportunities straight to your doorstep. Your mission will be to decide which are worth pursuing, and which will need to be returned to sender. Follow your gut instincts, and go with the route that stimulates you the most intellectually. Wouldn’t it be nice to use your brain again after an entire year of Netflix?

Cancer

Look at you, Cancer! Manifesting and sh*t. The other signs are jealous. With the New Moon in Aries, you’re getting exactly the boost you need to send you rocketing directly toward your goals. And the best part? You’re actually going to enjoy it. As long as you don’t let yourself stress over every little thing. (Easier said than done, we know…)

Leo

Class is in session, Leo! This Aries New Moon is all about opening your mind to new ideas, concepts, and ways of doing things. Keep an eye out for unlikely teachers in the form of family, friends, strangers, and even coworkers. As crazy as it may sound, they do occasionally have good ideas, and you might be interested in hearing them. If only to incorporate them into your smarter, better idea, of course.

Virgo

The New Moon is all about bringing what was once in the darkness to light, meaning you might find yourself dealing with some emotions that you’ve been trying to suppress. Grab a tissue, grab a snack, and let it all out. It’s better to let the moon make you sensitive for a few days than to bottle it all up inside. Unless you want to end up the villain in Hulu’s next big true crime series.

Libra

New Moon means new relationships for you, Libra! If you’ve been patiently waiting for your pandemic prince to arrive: good news! Now is the time to actually make that happen. Connections will come easily to you this week, meaning it is the perfect time to post up in the park with your cutest sundress and hope someone hot accidentally throws a frisbee your way. The rest is history.

Scorpio

New Moon, new you! If you weren’t feeling the whole “health and wellness goals” thing back in at the start of the traditional new year, you might feel a sudden desire to learn all about macronutrients as we move into the astrological new year this month. Besides, who actually works out and eats healthy in winter? Seems very suss…

Sagittarius

This month’s New Moon is all about opening your mind to new possibilities. Now is the perfect time to revisit your goals, either for this year or for life in general. Have you been dreaming big enough? Beyoncé didn’t become Beyoncé by settling for being the lead vocalist in one of the most iconic girl groups of the 1990s. That was just a first act.

Capricorn

The New Moon is giving you the reason (and motivation) to get your spring cleaning under way. The New Moon is all about newness (say that five times fast), and nothing makes things seem new-er than when they are clean. Of course, you could also just go out and buy all new sh*t, but that seems kind of expensive and unnecessary. Do you, though!

Aquarius

The New Moon has you standing directly in your power, Aquarius, so now is not the time to hold back. This is a time for speaking your mind and getting what you want, even if you have to ruffle a few feathers. It’s not like you haven’t pissed people off before. And it’s not like you won’t piss them off again…

Pisces

Beware of over-spending, Pisces! The New Moon is making you extra sensitive, and you may try to fill the void with stuff. Unfortunately, as much as we’d like to pretend a giant order of new skin care products from Sephora will fix everything, it actually will not. Save the money and work on yourself instead. It’s free.

Images: Brock Wegner / Unsplash; Giphy

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I regret to inform you the work week is canceled. Not like, legally (boo), but astrologically. This week, Neptune in Pisces is clashing with Mars in Gemini, leaving us all feeling really effing confused. This, plus Neptune’s foggy energy obscuring everything in its path, means that maybe you should pump the breaks on any life-changing decisions this week. Neptune needs your full attention. 

Aries

Good thing they just legalized weed in New York (sorry if you live somewhere lame), because Neptune is making you feel a little stoned out. Use this as a celestial sign to chill out, man. Now is not the time to initiate any tough conversations, or make any big decisions. Now is the time to sit, back, relax, and slowly devour all the snacks in your house. 

Taurus 

Trust no bitch. This week, Neptune is f*cking things up in your house of collaboration, meaning you need to take everything people say with a grain of salt. Does your boss really just wanna hop on a Zoom “real quick” or are you about to be roped into an hour-long strategy meeting that could have been a Slack? Stay vigilant. 

Gemini

Thought you could finally put your life in cruise control? Think again. That messy bitch Neptune is here, and you never know what she might throw in your way. Be on alert this week for dramatic people, toxic behavior, and any other type of sh*t you don’t need in your life. When in doubt, remember the immortal words of Meredith Mark and announce, “I’m disengaging.” 

Cancer 

Not Neptune rolling into your chart to mess with your goals! Neptune’s hazy effect might make you lose sight of what you’ve been working toward, or second guess your path this week. Keep your eyes on the prize, and don’t let that nasty beyotch Neptune let you doubt your shine. She’s just jealous, anyway. 

Leo

Neptune is scrambling your signals and making it harder than ever not to take things personally. Did they text “k” because they are okay with the situation at hand, or did they say “k” because they secretly have an undying hatred for you that can only be expressed in single letter words? Give yourself (and your text friends) a break. We’re still in a pandemic, after all. 

Virgo

Neptune? In your relationship zone? Say it ain’t so! This week Neptune is here to rock the boat at home. Before losing your sh*t on an unsuspecting loved one, ask yourself, “is my partner really breathing louder today, or have I just not had water in eight hours?” The answer may surprise you! 

Libra 

Your attention span this week is approximately the length of one TikTok, as Neptune throws a fog over basically all of your brain functions. Apologies in advance to anyone who was relying on you. Double check your emails for typos, then otherwise phone it in. If your boss asks, say Neptune made you do it. 

Scorpio 

TMI, Scorpio! Neptune is out here distorting how you view the world, and this could result in some serious oversharing. Best to just set all your profiles to private now so you don’t wreak too much havoc on the newsfeed. You can only “accidentally” post a nipple so many times. 

Sagittarius 

Trouble in paradise? Neptune is bringing her textbook drama to your home life, meaning you and your roommate are in danger of reigniting the passive-aggressive Post-it war of 2015. Those were tough times. Don’t let Neptune’s importance obscure what is really important in a home-partner: reliably remembering to pick up good-quality toilet paper from the store. 

Capricorn

The traditional hibernation season may be over, but you’re looking for a couple extra zzzs. Neptune has hit the snooze button on any major plans you had this week. The energy just isn’t there. The vibe, frankly, is not right. Try again next week. 

Aquarius

You see it. You like it. You want it. You got it. This week, Neptune is fogging up the part of your brain that keeps tabs on your credit card bill, meaning you might be in the mood for a bit of a spending spree. I’d say hand your cards over to a responsible party, but you already have that sh*t saved on all your devices, so hopefully you at least remember to do one of those pay-in-four things so you don’t completely deplete your checking. 

Pisces

With Neptune chilling in your sign, it is not likely you will have any clue wtf is going on this week. Just gonna have to fake it ‘til you make it, or until Neptune stops making every work email read like gobblydogook and turning every text into a riddle. Do I want to “hang out” later?!?! What could it mean?!?! 

Images: Stocksy, Giphy

Welcome to the season of Aries, a zodiac sign that, like my 16-month old, seems to revel in presenting sass and attitude to deal with everyday problems. I see you, Aries. Live your truth. The rest of us will be on an emotional rollercoaster this weekend, it seems, although communication and romance are not looking horrible for most of us. Silver linings! Let’s dive in.

Aries

Steer clear of people and things while you’re in a bad f*cking mood all damn weekend, Aries. Like, it’s best if you make a mimosa and sit on your porch/balcony/floor and calm down. You can also try and burn off that rage by running on a treadmill or letting your mom talk at you for a few hours. Both burn calories. I think.

Taurus

Take time to do the sh*t you really enjoy this weekend, Taurus. Like, sure, your Crockpot is great, but maybe this is the weekend to tackle that multi-level Dobos torte you saw on Great British Baking Show. Maybe cooking between one and five of Julia Child’s original recipes is something you’ve wanted to do for, like, ever? Even if you mess up, doing an activity that gets you away from binging episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives will be worth it.

Gemini

Treat yourself to some alone time this weekend, Gemini. Yeah, it’s nice to get away, but the real purpose here is to keep you away from drama on Saturday. If you get involved, it’s going to be a Teresa/NJ Housewives situation. You are in a good spot to get sexy and sassy with your partner, though, so maybe channel the drama into the bedroom in the form of some role play.

Cancer

Break out the helping hands, Cancer, cause you’re all about being nice this weekend. Those feelings will prove useful throughout Saturday and Sunday, since the moon will be pushing you to tidy up the house in the name of spring cleaning. You’ll also feel the urge to reach out to family members that need a little extra comfort right now.

Leo

Use your words, Leo. This weekend, the stars want you to use all your powers in the realm of communication to tell your fam, friends, partner, etc. how you feel. The universe is actually going to align to help you perfectly express yourself, so take advantage of that sh*t. Like, if you’re given the powers of communication and a strong grasp of language, don’t use it to argue with dumbasses on the local news’ Facebook page (even though that can be super fun).

Virgo

You’re feeeeeling yourself this weekend, Virgo. Own that sh*t and grab some friends to bask in your awesomeness with you. Just watch what you say—your words, thanks to the moon, have some power behind them this weekend, so be careful not to be flippant or nastier than usual. Luckily, by Sunday you’ll still be feeling confident, but your words aren’t as likely to piss people off.

Libra

Relationships, ahoy, Libra. You’ll be super focused on your romantic relationship this weekend as well as how you’re treating yourself. Are you being nice? Taking care of yourself? Are you listening when your partner talks to you? Do you cheer him on when he’s playing Mario Kart or Call of… Whatever? Time for the important convos.

Scorpio

You’re so in tune with your feelings this weekend, Scorpio. Celebrate by not crying into a pillow and, instead, shouting out your front door about how great you are. It’s also a prime weekend to treat yourself. Go for a spa day or just lie in bed and shop online for a few hours. I mean, it is tax refund season…

Sagittarius

Frustration is fun, isn’t it, Sagittarius? Yeah, well, get ready for a boatload of that sh*t this weekend, thanks to the moon f*cking with your feelings and making things hard for you. The good news is that this can be somewhat solved with friends and day drinking! Make plans and leave your moodiness at the door.

Capricorn

Travel this weekend, Capricorn—especially if you can do so safely (see: wearing a mask and not being an asshole) and responsibly. Maybe that cute town a few hours away has been calling to you. Or maybe it’s time to say f*ck it and drive across the country, eating your way through the states that no one cares about unless they love greasy food.

Aquarius

Check in on your money matters, Aquarius. It’s better that you take a look at your spending before your dad does when he helps file your taxes this year. Like, it’s best we just avoid that discussion about responsibility all together, right? Sunday, it’s best to chill at home, order in, and kick your feet up. The upcoming week is going to be emotionally exhausting.

Pisces

Get weird with your S.O., Pisces. It’s been a while since the two of you unplugged and just spent an evening or full day soaking up each other’s awesomeness, so plan for a fun date night, cuddling, movies, and lots of interesting sex, k? The stars are also pushing the two of you to tackle some joint projects and adult sh*t together, so maybe it’s time you created that joint checking account? Or don’t. He doesn’t need to see all the weird sh*t you buy.

Images: Alvin Balemesa  / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Well, here we are in March again. Pop quiz: did it ever really STOP being March? Experts say no, it f*cking did not, and my wardrobe, unused makeup, incredible savings on gas, and mask-acne offer a lot of evidence to support that conclusion. But after these 12 dark months of March, it seems like there’s finally a slight, dim light at the end of the tunnel. It could be a train, but let’s think optimistically. Are the stars as optimistic about your upcoming weekend? Let’s find out.

Pisces

Take a long, hard look at your current job situation, Pisces. Is this where you see yourself in ten years? Are you happy? Are you consistently frustrated at your boss’s passive aggressive jabs? The moon and a few of its planetary buddies are lining up this weekend to provide you with new opportunities, so we’d suggest updating your resume, taking that weird pic off LinkedIn, and applying for some new sh*t. After all that professional nonsense, make time to snuggle with your besties on Sunday.

Aries

GTFO of the house this weekend, Aries. The moon will be filling your head with visions of adventure, so call out of work on Friday and book a few nights’ stay at an Airbnb somewhere close, but not too close. Getting away from your surroundings for a few days will do wonders for your mental health, and, like maybe your skin, too.

Taurus

Venus is giving you a rough start to the weekend, so don’t be surprised if you get into a fight with a friend. Instead of picking at it, walk away and leave each other alone until you don’t feel like you’re on an emotional rampage. The rest of the weekend should be smooth sailing, so make a point to schedule a date night (finally) with your S.O., or just order takeout and watch a murder mystery.

Gemini

Get ready for a f*cking great weekend, Gemini. The planets have decided to cut you some slack, so you can look forward to feeling happy, optimistic, and ready for whatever comes your way. On Friday, focus on your S.O. and spoil them a little. Order their fav food, wear the sweats they find the cutest, and let them watch something other than reruns of Real Housewives. Saturday and Sunday are all about intimacy, so continue pouring effort into your relationship and reaping the sweet, sexy rewards.

Cancer

It’s shaping up to be a nice lil weekend, Cancer. On Friday and Saturday, focus on you and your own mental health. You’ve been helping everyone around you lately, and it’s time for some R&R in the form of treating yourself. Saturday night and Sunday, once you’re feeling refreshed, is for focusing on and spending time with your S.O. You can look forward to zero stupid fights this weekend, and lots of cuddling.

Leo

Passion and creativity start out the weekend, Leo, so if you’ve been dying to tackle a DIY project that truly #inspired you from Instagram, I guess now’s the time to start it (then call your dad to finish it). Saturday evening and Sunday will shine a light on your health and wellbeing, so maybe it’s time to actually use that gym membership if you feel like it would a) get you out of the house and b) help you feel better about yourself.

Virgo

You’re like, full of ideas this weekend, Virgo. If you’ve needed some inspo at work, have been searching for recipes to experiment with, or needed the push to start your autobiography, then keep a notepad close by all day Saturday since the “ah-ha” moment is sure to strike. You’ll also want to focus on family this weekend, so plan on a trip to see mom and dad if you’re able to safely.

Libra

In typical Libra fashion, you’re all about being a social butterfly this weekend. Connect with friends and make plans to head out for lunch, dinner, brunch, or some sort of booze-filled combo of all three. While you’re nursing your hangover on Sunday, your attention will turn to your nest and favorite people, so try not to take it out on them that you went too hard the day before.

Scorpio

What means the most to you, Scorpio? Is it stuff? Is it people? Is it your environment? Do a little soul-searching this weekend and figure out where your values lie. While you’re wondering about existential sh*t, you may feel the pull to spend a sh*tload of money. Try and like, don’t. Instead, use the moon’s energy on Saturday night to connect with your S.O. and live vicariously through a House Hunters marathon.

Sagittarius

You’re feeeeeeeling yourself this weekend, Sagittarius, so make plans to get out and share your joy with others. Make an effort for real plans with your coworkers if you’re sick of your actual friends (it happens). Grab that beer and talk sh*t about whatshisname or how spreadsheets are the worst. It’ll be fun. The rest of the weekend throws your finances into focus, so be an adult and get your tax info together before you dad yells at you again.

Capricorn

Pay attention to one of your dreams this weekend, Capricorn. If nothing else, it means that sleeping in and telling your friends you can’t go out because the universe has messages for you is a totally acceptable way to cancel plans. The moon is also sending high self-esteem vibes, so don’t be surprised if you suddenly have the urge to get headshots done so you can admire yourself.

Aquarius

Friendship and being nice are on deck this weekend, Aquarius. Combine the two and go out for brunch and don’t drunkenly hit on the waiter! Or, do something even better, like volunteering with friends at an animal shelter where you can walk a bunch of lonely puppies. You’ll also want to pay attention to your dreams this weekend, so keep your Notes app open next to your bed so you can write about all the weird sh*t that goes on in your head at night.

Images: Giphy (12)

Bye, February. It’s time we started seeing March and holding out hope for a normal f*cking summer, where I can tan my pale, chubby quarantine body without fear of judgment since literally all of us have been mole people since last year. Who knows—maybe everything will be normal in a few months, and finding random masks in my pocket will be a silly memory come November. I’ll just keep counting the weeks and weekends till we’re there.

Maybe, just maybe, the planets have some hope in store for us?!

Pisces

Time for listening, Pisces, especially when it comes to your partner. Use the weekend to really communicate, and concentrate on what your partner needs. Does he want pizza? To be told he’s so strong and sexy and deserves a head rub? It’ll help your relationship in the long run to talk about those feelings. Use Sunday to talk to your S.O. about any secrets you’ve been keeping. Like that you’ve been buying DoorDash with his credit card for months now and no, his account wasn’t hacked.

Aries

Time for a little self-reflection, Aries. Use the weekend to examine how you’re taking care of yourself both mentally and physically. If you haven’t left the couch in weeks and can’t remember the last time you had a salad, maybe it’s time for a little fresh air, a walk, and rejoining the world. Then again, if you’re happy and comfy coping that way, do you.

Taurus

Holy creativity, Taurus; this weekend is all about artsy fartsy expression. Tackle a DIY project, or just doodle while sipping coffee and enjoying the morning quiet. On the romantic front, if you’re single, give someone you felt “meh” about a second chance; put yourself out there. If you’re paired up, connect with your partner while indulging your need for art this weekend. We hear the Met and Louvre are offering free online tours …

Gemini

Organize your sh*t, Gemini. Use the weekend as an early form of spring cleaning, and go through all the clothes, shoes, and homewares that can be donated to the Goodwill or somewhere similar. The cleaning can also extend to your laptop. You don’t need 4872 screenshots of Yelp reviews for your boss’s reference. Use Sunday to try something new, like exercising or a new recipe. Opposite ends of the spectrum, but you get the idea.

Cancer

Communication is key this weekend, Cancer. If you’ve been bad about answering personal emails, calling your mom back, or actually following through on plans with your bestie, this is the weekend to tackle all of it. You’ll also have a strong desire to learn sh*t on Sunday, so maybe it’s time to wade back into your Duolingo app and pick up French again. Who knows—maybe by December you’ll be able to travel again.

Leo

Tax season is coming, Leo, and it’s a good weekend to look at your budget and finances. We know spreadsheets are the actual worst, but maybe it’ll help to see in black and white just how much of your paycheck went to GrubHub, DoorDash, and Uber Eats last year. By Saturday night, you’ll be turning your focus to your family, so snuggle up with your S.O. and watch some true crime docs.

Virgo

Be kind to yourself, Virgo. You’ve been extra self-deprecating lately, and you should use the weekend to tell yourself how awesome you are. Instead of looking in the mirror and saying, “damn, my ass got huge,” try “yo, I’m a powerful dump truck.” Morning mantras make all the difference. If you’re having trouble being positive, make time to hang out with that one friend who always makes you feel awesome.

Libra

Don’t ignore your intuition this weekend, Libra. In fact, the universe may be so loud that you’ll want everyone else to just STFU. Lean into being alone and go for a walk, soak in a tub, or lock yourself in the spare bedroom. Sh*t, even going for a quiet drive sounds amazing. If you’re single, be careful with any new matches. Their intentions may be less than amazing.

Scorpio

Make some killer plans this weekend, Scorpio. It’s been f*cking forever since you left the house, and so long as you promise to wear your mask and not get too drunk in public, you can reward yourself with some friend time at a brewery or brunch spot come Saturday. Nursing your hangover on Sunday will provide some much-needed introspection, so listen to the planets and maybe see if you can muster the strength to volunteer or do something nice for someone else.

Sagittarius

The moon is shining a light on your career this weekend, Sagittarius. Use Friday for a meetup with your boss for a frank discussion about reviews, raises, and her f*cking attitude in that last meeting. Maybe not that last part, unless your boss is really chill. Saturday and Sunday raise opportunities to do something constructive, like rearrange your bathroom cabinets and get your sh*t organized.

Capricorn

Do something new, Capricorn. This weekend gives you a chance to not only leave the f*cking house, but to go somewhere or do something you haven’t before. Go for a hike and don’t complain. Try that restaurant that got terrible Yelp reviews. Volunteer to work on a Sunday. Buy a bunch of houseplants to nurture.

Aquarius

Trust your gut, Aquarius. If your relationship has felt a little distant—even rocky—lately, use the weekend to explore that sh*t and talk it out with your partner. Something could be off and totally fixable after you both lay your cards on the table. If you’re single, use the weekend to peruse the current dating pool. You may be pleasantly surprised by what you find.

Images: Giphy (12)

Everyone still cool? Here we are in 2021, also known as the sh*tty alternate ending to 2020, the one where no one is happy. Considering that every day seems to give us a new story about potential coups or the end of humanity thanks to a pandemic we should have gotten under control a year ago, maybe the planets can, like, throw us a f*cking bone.

In a way, they are, since everyone is going to feel the push to be extra nice this weekend. Shall we?

Capricorn

The stars are pushing your feelings buttons this weekend, Capricorn. Basically, you’re going to feel the urge to be extra nice to everyone, so, take that as you will. Call your mom and let her rattle off the latest gossip. Do your elderly neighbor’s grocery shopping for them. Or take your bestie out for a drink since she’s been having kind of a rough time. Obviously, don’t forget to be kind to yourself, too. Treat yourself to a delicious takeout meal and binge watch something trashy.

Aquarius

Hooray for finances, Aquarius. With tax season fast approaching (yikes), use the weekend to get a feel for where you can save and where you can splurge. You’ll also feel the pull to help others this weekend, so instead of just throwing money at the problem, opt to volunteer your time. There are plenty of animal shelters where dogs need walking and cuddling; homeless shelters that need blankets and supplies; and food pantries that could use donations.

Pisces

Treat yourself, Pisces. Plan for a long weekend of doing nothing but pampering. It’s up to you whether you’d like to include anyone in your weekend of r&r, or if you’re more into the eating-pizza-alone-in-sweats vibe (respect). The most important thing to note, though, is that it isn’t selfish to make sure your overall well-being is looked after.

Aries

Omg, you’re in the mood to be so NICE this weekend, Aries. Call it the #vibe of 2021, or call it exhaustion from 2020, but you’ll feel ready to extend kindness and love to everyone you see and talk to as soon as work is over on Friday. Buy brunch to be delivered to a friend as a surprise, or offer to walk your mom’s dog so she can enjoy a weekend drive with dad.

Taurus

Enjoy yourself this weekend, Taurus. You’ll feel the pull to get creative while also being a bit of a homebody, so we suggest taking on an easy house project like cleaning out your closet or getting rid of the vast amount of knickknacks and college-era posters that serve no purpose in a grown-up house. The stars will also be bugging you about your career (or lack thereof), so set some time aside Sunday to either update your resume, create a portfolio, or add a professional-looking picture to your LinkedIn.

Gemini

Time to focus on where you want to be in 10 years: work edition. If the answer is, “not f*cking here” then it could be a good opportunity to turn on those job alerts for Indeed or change your LinkedIn settings to tell recruiters you’re looking. After you shift your mind away from professional matters on Saturday, you’ll also be caught up in the desire to show some kindness. Bake a cake for your S.O., take your dog on a hike, or volunteer time at a women’s shelter. It’ll at least take your mind off the doomscrolling you’ve been doing for the last two weeks.

Cancer

GTFO of the house and turn off your phone, Cancer. Constantly watching C-SPAN for updates or scrolling through your conservative uncle’s Facebook page is doing zero for your mental health. Getting outside and going for a ride to a neighboring town, or just enjoying some time outdoors, will help you feel refreshed and somewhat relaxed, though. You’ll also feel the need to take extra care of your S.O. this weekend, so be sure to set aside some time for a date night—or, at the very least, a romantic evening of Netflix and chill.

Leo

It’s a balancing game this weekend, Leo. You’ll feel the need to take care of yourself on Friday, whether that’s through a long walk, calling out of work, and/or binge watching Bridgerton. But come Saturday, your focus will shift to wanting to take care of everyone else. There’s no reason you can’t do both. Head out for a socially distanced beer and some relaxation time with a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Or, snuggle up with your S.O. while you both read trashy novels.

Virgo

Concentrate on your relationship this weekend, Virgo. If you feel like the cuddling, sex, and communication have been slacking lately, it’s time to stop blaming the pandemic/President/state of the world and take matters into your own hands. Be open about your wants and needs in your relationship over a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck, or just talk about your feelings while you’re banging it out.

Libra

Tackle every f*cking project you can get your hands on this weekend, Libra. The stars are pushing you to organize and get your sh*t together for the new year, so clean your closet, toss out mismatched silverware, and take down those Backstreet Boys posters (wtf are you still doing with those, anyway?). After the purge, head into the kitchen and tackle a recipe you haven’t tried before. Remember: if you fail, there’s always takeout and pretending you made it.

Scorpio

Time for some alone time, Scorpio. The planets are making things super f*cking intense in the feelings department on Friday, so it’s best to just avoid anyone and anything that’ll send you into a tailspin. Put your phone down and go for a jog or just watch something 100% unrelated to real life. Thankfully, by Saturday night you’ll be ready for human interaction again, and you’ll want to shower your S.O. with some much needed attention. They’ll appreciate it.

Sagittarius

Enjoy the people who bring you the most joy this weekend, Sagittarius. Whether you decide on a Zoom girls’ night or an outdoor brewery adventure with coworkers, you’ll want to be around people that don’t piss you off for the next few days. After you get your fill of social sh*t, retreat indoors Sunday afternoon and spend some time in a tub with a bottle of wine and re-reading Bachelor recaps. Hey, it’s better than the current state of things.

Images: Giphy (12)

Adieu, adios, goodbye, and gtfo, 2020. It’s been fun, except, no, it f*cking hasn’t. From a pandemic to quarantine to our dumpster fire of a president to RBG dying and everything in between, there is absolutely no love lost from, like, any of us for this year. The only upside was that I, for one, never reached the level of desperation needed to bake banana bread. F*ck that.

Anywho, what do the stars have in store for the very first weekend of 2021? I mean, since we’re at rock bottom, I assume things can only go up from here.

Capricorn

Connect with your S.O. or hunt for one this weekend, Capricorn. Tackle a joint nest renovation (something simple), take a ride into town, or order takeout and build a couch fort. On Sunday, the stars want you to try something new, so break out a new sex toy and get freaky. You could also, like, just try making a new dish in the kitchen or experiment with hair color, but new year, new you.

Aquarius

Great ready for communication to flow easily, Aquarius. If you’ve been feeling a little touch and go in your relationship, this weekend will be a huge relief for you and your S.O. If you’re single, it’s a stellar opportunity to meet someone new and truly connect. The moon on Sunday is pushing you to make future plans, so, Aquarius 2021 brides—it could be your moment to shine.

Pisces

New year, new chance to take care of yourself, Pisces. Use the weekend to pamper your bod and mind with your fav candles, expensive body lotions, long walks outdoors, and lots of healthy sh*t. On Sunday, the stars are gearing up for a nice surprise concerning your love life, so make sure your hair and nails look nice.

Aries

Take 2021 by the balls, Aries. Jot down all of the goals and dreams you want to tackle this year—be it traveling out of the f*cking country or just setting all your masks on fire. Use Sunday for a little R&R—think propping your feet up and actually reading a good book. If it’s a trashy celeb gossip rag or cookbook, even, it still counts.

Taurus

Celebrate your home and fam this weekend, Taurus. With 2020 behind you, it’s a great weekend to call up all your family members and remind them that, even though you’re v busy doing hot girl sh*t, you still love them and love making time for them. Saturday night and Sunday are for physically cleaning 2020 away from you and your nest, so break out your Swiffer and take charge.

Gemini

Get together with your siblings or, if you’re an only child, those folks that feeeel like siblings, Gemini. Call ’em up, head to a brewery or winery, or grab an appetizer while social distancing. The rest of the weekend is perfect for sprucing up your space with new curtains, moving furniture into different spots, or spending money on weird art. We’re here for it.

Cancer

What do you really want this year, Cancer? Use Friday and Saturday morning to answer that question for yourself, and set a list of attainable goals so you can feel like you’re on the path to accomplishing sh*t. Maybe you do want to tackle sourdough or banana bread or wearing something other than sweats. Sunday is for reaching out to fam and reminding them that you miss them and can’t wait till you can hang out with them in a non-COVID environment again.

Leo

Celebrate yourself, Leo. 2021 is totally the year of confidence, so let everyone know how lucky they are to, like, be friends with you. After you make sure you feel validated in how cool you are, use Sunday to turn attention to your finances, which may be in dire straits after the holidays. Make a budget and stick to it. Not eating out several times a week may actually help you like, feel better, too.

Virgo

Dreams are on the agenda this weekend, Virgo, so sleep in and plan for lots of naps. Try to be wary of drinking too much or overeating, though, since the stars could f*ck your day up if you overdo it. Instead, use the few days off to be kind to yourself with walks, journaling, feel-good eating, and hanging out with friends that are pretty obsessed with you.

Libra

Spend time with friends (safely) this weekend, Libra. Whether you plan for a group FaceTime to celebrate the first of the year or a small gathering of two or three folks in an outdoor space so you can talk about how much 2020 sucked, it’s important to pump some positivity into the next few days. Use Sunday to wind down and reflect on your nearest and dearest, whether that means your S.O., your bestie, your mom, your dog, or all of the above.

Scorpio

Plan to do some thinking when it comes to your career this weekend, Scorpio. If you truly want a better year, control what you can and fix up your resume, plan on how to ask your boss for a raise, and start organizing your professional life. Use Saturday to update your LinkedIn and set some alerts on Indeed, like a true adult. Sunday is for friends, so plan on grabbing brunch with one or two of your closest.

Sagittarius

Get tf out there, Sagittarius. Take the new year by the horns and do some exploring a la a short hike with some friends or a weekend drive somewhere within an hour where you can support local businesses. If Saturday night you’re feeling “meh” about leaving the house, snuggle up and watch some travel shows for 2021 inspo, then order or make a fav dish.

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