Immediately after watching Nick and Vanessa scream at each other off into the sunset, Chris Harrison invites us back to The Bachelor-verse to find out more about exactly how much they have screamed at each other since that day, and to see how Raven and her plastic surgery are doing after being rejected in Finland.
After The Final Rose is generally boring AF, and given that this season of The Bachelor was also boring, Chris Harrison is working hard to get people to stick around, constantly alluding to something “historic” that is going to happen. And even though we all should be able to recognize Chris Harrison’s tricks by now, it works and we all stick around to hear about all the fights Nick and Vanessa have been having and whether or not she’s gonna move to the U.S.
If you, like me, were expecting a Raven post-show makeover, you are mistaken. Raven looks exactly the fucking same (minus a possible casual nose job). She doesn’t even have a new I-Just-Got-Dumped-On-National-Television lob or highlights or anything. Kind of disappointing TBH. Raven would look great with a lob.
Chris: So, why didn’t you like, cry and shit when you got dumped?
Raven: Cry? Lol who am I, Nick? Also I’m going to fucking Paradise now so bye bye Hoxie see you never.
So like, Raven gets to go drink Champagne in Mexico on Orgasm Island and Vanessa gets to…spend her life with Nick Viall. Who is the real winner here?
Then Vanessa comes back and, surprise surprise, four weeks have passed and she’s still annoying.
Chris: We expected there would be some knock-down-drag-out fights between the two of you, have those moments happened?
Vanessa: Every day.
They have apparently not spent much time together between the fact that they’re not allowed to be seen together and they live in different countries, which is why the whole “engagement” thing is pretty tentative right now.
Like, is Vanessa wearing the big-ass ring Nick got her? Duh. But have they like, set a date or invited anyone or really done anything that would signal a wedding will be happening? Nah.
Chris: So you guys haven’t set a date or anything?
Vanessa: Omg no we’re gonna break up as soon as this shoot is over.
Vanessa does reveal that she is leaning toward moving to the U.S. rather than having Nick move to Canada, because who wants free healthcare and a competent leader when you can have….Dancing With The Stars?
Finally, Nick and Vanessa get their annoying asses out of the way so we can get to Rachel, who is continuing this season’s Bachelor post-show trend of wearing a fly AF jumpsuit. So what is this big, “historic,” surprise Chris Harrison keeps talking about?
Chris: Are you excited to start your season of The Bachelorette?
Rachel: Well I—
Chris: CUZ IT’S STARTING RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Much to Rachel’s surprise, her journey to love has already begun, and we all get a sneak peek at the season as she meets four of the corniest dudes I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. Like, seriously, Rachel is a gorgeous lawyer with a fly AF penguin onesie and these clowns are the best the show can do?
So, here are the men in order:
First, Demario, who seemed okay until he had a ring and tickets for them to go to Vegas already prepared. Like, I guess it’s good to know that this dude has enough money to buy two very expensive items that he has a 1/30 chance of actually using, but the whole thing just seemed…extra.
Next we meet Blake—or maybe Blaine? Idk—who looks awkward AF and solidifies that impression by immediately telling Rachel that she “smells good” and telling her that he “wasn’t planning on this” which is an obvious lie. Like…did you just happen to be at the Bachelor studio in a suit when all this was going down? Don’t you have to submit like five applications and a video just to be considered for this show?
Blake then ends his cringeworthy encounter with a horrible side-hug that screams “I’m going to be eliminated week one.”
Enter, Dean who has 30 seconds to let America and Rachel know two things: 1) he is good looking and 2) he is aware that Rachel is black. We knew there was going to be at least one.
Dean: I’m ready to go black, and never go back.
Rachel : Hahahahaha that’s so funny I love that.
Rachel : Dean must be destroyed.
Then, finally, we meet Eric, who uses his time to lay down the following riddle:
Eric: I’m from Baltimore. You’re from Texas. But we’re here right now. I’m happy to be here. It’s a miracle season. What am I?
Rachel: I loved what you just said.
Then the two of them do a little dance as if to say, “Nick’s season is over and it’s time for Rachel! Praise Jesus!”
Catch up on last week’s recap here!
So I think we’re all about ready to mark down February 27, 2017 as the day the Bachelor producers officially gave up. It’s like they showed up to work, got a midday text from their ex, and then couldn’t concentrate anymore so they were like fuck it, one hour’s fine. It’s like when I tell myself I’m going to stay on the treadmill for an hour but then around 20 minutes in I decide that half an hour is the actual recommended dose of daily exercise and I barely ate today anyway.
Seriously, how did someone convince their supervisor that only showing one-third of the fantasy suite dates was a good idea? Did they forget that this is America and the founders guaranteed us life, liberty, and full two hour episodes of The Bachelor every Monday from January to May? At least we didn’t have to see Vanessa tho.
Vanessa Is Also A Fame Whore
Andi Stop And Chat
Andi actually just stopped by because she forgot her charger on their last fantasy suite date, but they’re going to play it off like this is some sort of conciliatory advice-giving sesh in a sad grab for ratings and book sales. At least now we know which of Nick’s Bachelor exes is the most fame hungry!
Nick: Last time you came to my door you dumped me on national television.
Andi: Lol that was so random.
Andi: Are you gonna fuck these girls?
Nick: Idk, depends how good they are at giving head.
Umm are we forgetting about the fact that Andi basically called Nick a crazy stalker on national television? And in her book? Yeah? K cool.
“Good luck, have fun, and most importantly, fall in love.” – Things psychotic reality TV whores say. Also the texts my mom sends me before I go on a date.
So cute how we all got to witness Andi giving Nick her blessing to have sex with other people…years after they broke up. I think I just need to accept that logic and normal emotional boundaries aren’t a factor here.
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Later, Corinne. It’s so interesting how she talks like a little kid. “I’m sorry if I did anything wrong. I’ll make my bed next time I promise.”
Nick saying bye to Corinne smacked of the bro you were hooking up with who breaks the news to you that he’s seriously dating someone now, but you can tell from his tone of voice he’ll be back in a few months.
“I’m done trying to show my men how much I worship them and love them and support them. I am done trying to impress these men.” – Corinne, there was only one man.
Corinne is already assuming full nap position in the limo. She’s probably already texting her fuckboys back home.
And I want my Tomas Maier sweatsuit back!!!
What Multimillion-Dollar Company Does Corinne Run?
Finland / Raven
“I can’t believe I’m in Finland, being above the arctic circle is so cool because you only get a few hours of sunlight every day, which will surely obscure the girls’ views of my pathetic sex tears.” – Nick
“Raven is the perfect combination of salty and sweet” ….so she’s like a trail mix?
Since there were no virgins this season, the producers has to get real crafty with the plot line and paint Raven as the orgasm virgin.
Raven says “I’ve only been sexually active with one man” too many times for me to believe her. She is def a closet ho.
Raven: My big fear is having sex with him because the last guy I had sex with, I beat the shit out of with a stiletto
Okay I love you Raven but you dated someone for two years, sans orgasm or exchange of I love yous. I feel like this “relationship” she’s referring to is like, a week-long spring break bender in a frat house.
OMG Raven TMI you’re going to have sex for the second time with a guy that has a 66% chance of breaking up with you within the next 2 weeks, and you feel like you’re going to have an orgasm with him because he’s “someone you can trust”?
This is Nick in his turtleneck:
Raven describes her love for Nick like a quality blender. “You make it easy to be around you. You make it easy to make a fruit smoothie.”
On second thought, I’m so happy this is over and now I can go watch a different set of psychopaths embarrass themselves.
Read: Nick Viall To Continue Whoring For Fame After The Bachelor