The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: PROMenade Me Into Oncoming Traffic

Just when you think ABC has hurt you for the last time they go and do it again. If last week’s episode could have been an email, this week’s episode could have been the pile of shit my roommate’s dog likes to leave in the middle of our living room. To clarify, ABC, when I said “please, dear god, give me something to work with, I beg of you” I was not actually asking to watch three hours of emotionally stunted barn animals reenact their prom glory days. *sighs so deeply it creates a new fault line in the earth* Let’s get into it!

Ivan, Whyyyyy

Last week things left off on a cliffhanger between Ivan and Aaron. I’m using the term “cliffhanger” here loosely, as the term implies a sense of suspense or tension building, whereas this altercation barely roused me after the three glasses of pinot I chugged to feel something during this episode. But, sure, things between Ivan and Aaron were “heating up.” 

If you’ll recall, the source of their feud started when Ivan made one last-ditch attempt at staying in Paradise by making out with Chelsea, even after he explicitly told Aaron he wouldn’t. Aaron responded in the only way his PBR-soaked brain knows how: by choosing violence. Surprise, surprise, Aaron doesn’t trust another man. At this point, it wouldn’t shock me if Aaron decided to fight a mop because it was looking at his girl wrong. 

It does make me wonder, though, if there’s something else going on here… Ever notice how Aaron only ever gets this impassioned when another dude is involved? Be honest with us, Aaron. Are you upset because Ivan kissed Chelsea or are you upset because Ivan didn’t kiss you? This is a safe space, pal!!

Also, I should mention that I’m Team Ivan. I’m always Team Ivan. I don’t care if Chelsea didn’t pull Ivan first or if Ivan talked to Chelsea first. That Ivan hasn’t been the #1 draft pick since night one is an absolute travesty and I will be drafting a letter of complaint to ABC HQ immediately following the conclusion of this season. You hoes don’t deserve him!

When Aaron is rebuked for physically trying to rile Ivan, he tries a more covert route of Regina George-ing the others into turning their backs on him. It’s a massive fail because, you know, it’s Ivan. Lol. What’s crazy is that this isn’t even about Chelsea anymore. This is about Aaron’s ego and him looking embarrassed in front of other people. The possessiveness he displays over women who seem mildly interested in him is… staggering. 

AARON: *sniffles* and do you know what the worst part about all of this is?
CHELSEA: That you thought I might have made a connection with someone else?
AARON: THAT THOSE MEANIES LAUGHED AT ME!!! 

My GOD this man is so insecure. 

You’d think that would be the end of the Ivan drama. Not so! Right before the rose ceremony Wells pulls Ivan aside to “chat” about something he did last night in the hotel. So, apparently while the rest of the cast was riding out the tropical storm, sequestered at whatever Mexican hotel had the cheapest last minute drink package, Ivan was canoodling with a yet-to-appear-on-the-beach cast member. Okay, they’re acting like Ivan murdered his mistress, not snuck out past curfew to get a half-hearted handy by the ice machine. Come on! This is so high school.

WELLS: So, you saw a text on a producer’s phone about room assignments and you just… read it?
IVAN: Yes…?
WELLS: Do you understand the severity of this?
IVAN: 

Okay, come on. This is absolutely ridiculous. Wells wants Ivan to come clean to the rest of the cast members before he kicks him out of Paradise. Like, what does Wells expect these people to do with this information? Bend Ivan over their collective knees to give him a spanking? These are all grown adults!

Ivan leaves with relatively little fanfare and the rest of the rose ceremony continues. The rose lineup breaks down as such:

⭐︎ Serena picks Joe
⭐︎ Abigail picks Noah
⭐︎
Maurissa picks Riley
⭐︎
Mari picks Kenny
⭐︎
Becca picks Thomas
⭐︎
Chelsea picks Aaron
⭐︎
Natasha picks Ed
⭐︎ Tia picks James

Mari & Kenny Are In Retrograde

We’re reminded multiple times throughout the episode that this is the last week of Paradise. Mmkay, can I get that in writing though? Because this three-hour not-a-finale episode begs to differ…

Because it’s the last week of Paradise, many of the couples are crumbling over the pressure of having to face the real world. Yes, I could see how it might be difficult to have to go back to the harsh realities of influencer life. Please tell me more.

Kenny and Mari in particular struggle this week. Keep in mind that exactly 12 hours before their “struggles” they were eating Taco Bell off of each other’s pubes. Kenny’s like, “it just worries me that this morning it feels like things fizzled.” I’m sorry, Kenny, but not every day can involve some sort of deviant sex food game. That’s not medically advised by gynecologists!! 

What can solve their issues? A bruja! Yes, ABC conjures up a Latin American spiritualist (seemingly straight out of a “So You Think You Might Be Culturally Appropriating?” pamphlet) to “cleanse” their relationship and “plow through” Mari’s emotional barriers. If this feels rife with sexual undertones, just wait until the bruja starts waving around those girth-y ceremonial candles. 

Also, I love that ABC heard “I’m worried that the longest relationship this 40-year-old boy band manager has ever had is with his hair gel brand” and thought hexing the man into submission would be the right fix. It’s not like when mercury is in retrograde—these are real problems! And why is it that when ABC orchestrates shit like this everyone thinks it’s “cute” and “kismet”, yet when I do it in the privacy of my own home it gets me an in depth conversation with my roommate about “boundaries in shared living spaces”? Hmm? Riddle me that. 

Whatever plowing Kenny does to Mari’s spirit seems to work, because by the end of the ceremony they’re suddenly committed and ready to do this thing called life together. Booooo. Call me when you two get interesting again.

The New Girls Strike Out

ABC spends a solid hour of last night’s programming wasting our time by teasing two new additions to the house: Anna and Mykenna. I’m not sure what the purpose of airing any of this footage is other than to burst one of my blood vessels. These women are coming in at last call and expecting to find true love and not the last, drunkest baboons at the bar. Or in this case, Ed and James.

Mykenna especially struggles. By the time she arrives on the scene, there are approximately two single men left on that beach and one of them is a sand crab. She tries to ask Aaron on a date and he declines in front of everyone. He’s like, “I’ve just had a really tough week.” Hmmm. I’d believe you more, buddy, if you didn’t say that as you were fast-tracking it back to the mimosa bar. 

Mykenna starts crying on the beach about how embarrassing this is and how she wants to go home. Honestly, I’ll give her that. This is a little embarrassing and it’s not at all her fault. I know she has the emotional maturity of a butterfly hair clip but, christ, ABC, you could have thrown her a bone!

THE BONE ED: I’d like to go on a date with you!
MYKENNA: 

THIS GIRL. Okay, I take back everything nice I just said about her. This man—who has both a six pack and a personality—is literally throwing himself at her feet and she’s like, “nah, I’d rather spend my evening waiting in a customs line.” That’s how I know quarantine hasn’t been that bleak for you. Also, isn’t she 24? Shouldn’t her dating mentality still be “at least it’s a free dinner”? You’re not better than this, hunnie. 

I will say Ed is quite the salesman. I would follow that man straight into a pyramid scheme, he’s that charming. He eventually convinces Mykenna to go on the date with him and it looks like it’s a fine time. As fine a time as can be had for the last two pandas at the zoo, anyways. Every happiness to you both, kiddies!

Prom?

The last 45 minutes of the episode are devoted to Paradise’s first ever prom. Why prom? I can only assume it’s because production spent the majority of the episode’s budget on financing that bruja. But you know what? The contestants are eating it up. It makes sense, I suppose. I think I have credit cards that are older than the time that’s elapsed since some of these girls’ last attended a high school prom.  

I will say, the contestants understood the assignment in terms of manifesting all the moods that go into prom. We have Abigail who is representing every Josie Grossie who never got asked to prom in high school. There’s Serena, the girl who always got five promposals and had her friends vote on them American Idol-style. Then there’s Tia, the Moaning Myrtle of the group. She looks like she’s about to drink too much spiked punch and spend the last two hours crying in the bathroom (relatable). 

In typical prom fashion, the night is pure chaos. Tia spends the first half of the dance wallowing in self-pity, grinding in the awkward spaces between couples. But by night’s end Aaron swoops in to sweep her off her feet. They end up horizontal and making out on one of the hotel lobby couches. If this feels random, that’s because it absolutely is. It’s almost like the carbs in the spiked punch went straight to Aaron’s head and he asked the wrong girl to go to the couches. Whatever, I’m sure Chelsea will totally understand…

Abigail and Noah also have a rough night. Abigail spends the majority of prom basking in the fact that someone actually asked her to prom. She says she wants to tell Noah she loves him and she’s ready to ride off into the sunset with him. Cut to Noah, who heard “80s prom” and decided to come dressed like the sixth-year senior who sells you coke by the football field. So, like, basically how he’s been dressing all summer.

Prom is bringing out the opposite feelings in him. Even though a mere 12 hours ago he told Abigail he was “falling for her” he wants to take it back. He asks if it’s possible to be in love with someone but not want to commit to that person in any way, shape or form.

The fact that he thinks “true love” can be contained to a vacation makes me worry that he models his relationships after a Mary-Kate & Ashley movie. And on that note, we’ll have to wait until next week to see how this little admission of his blows up in his face. Until the finale!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (4); @roastceremony /Twitter (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: This Could Have Been An Email

Welcome back to another week in Paradise! Never mind that it feels slightly sacrilegious to be watching this much beach-themed nudity while also being simultaneously assaulted by PSL everything. It’s truly a very chaotic time to be alive. ABC, you have no business pushing this much Mexican vacay content this close to October. No. Business.

Kendall Might Be The Inspiration For Olivia Rodrigo’s Next Bop

Speaking of people who have no business, last week ended with Kendall tearfully declaring that she needs to leave, get out, right now, it’s the end of you and me. What was her breaking point exactly? Watching her ex-boyfriend loudly declare “I’m falling in love with you” to a girl whose entire work experience can be summed up as “head lifeguard for three summers, TikTok linked here.” Yes, I can see how that might be upsetting. 

KENDALL TRYING TO DATE AND BE FLIRTY ON THIS BEACH RN:

Kendall decides that she wants to have one more one-on-one conversation with Joe. It’s the least she deserves after production held her hostage during that Joe and Serena beach date. 

She tells Joe that this whole thing has been so hard for her and that she wasn’t expecting him to reenact their love story with another girl. Honestly, I feel for Kendall. I think she thought they were both coming on this show to rekindle things and Joe went off-script. Also, it doesn’t help that the reason they broke up is supposedly because of distance (he wants to live in Chicago; she wants to live in LA) and yet he’s currently smooching a person who doesn’t even live in the same country as him. Seems sus.

JOE, AN ADULT MAN WEARING SOCKS WITH SANDALS: You’ll be okay, Kendall. 

Jesus Christ. Kendall, let’s take a long, hard look at this moment. The man, though completely adorable, always looks dressed for laundry day in a college dorm and is dating a girl whom it would have been age appropriate for him to babysit in high school. He’s living the midlife crisis. Believe him when he says you’ll be just fine. Also, Ivan is riiiight there…

It’s All About The DTR

How is it legal for more men to be allowed on this beach? Once again, new men trickle into Paradise despite literally no one asking for this. We’re told that Ed and Demar will be joining Paradise to “shake things up.” I sure hope so. The last time I felt this particular brand of excitement, I took a ZzzQuil at 7pm and passed out before the finale of Law & Order: Organized Crime

Also, Ed and Demar?? Ed, fine. Who could forget the man who accidentally wined and dined Chris Harrison? But Demar? If anyone is gaslighting anyone on this show, it’s  ABC gaslighting me with all of these fake contestants. 

The arrival of new men shakes something in Maurissa. It’s like she suddenly realized she hitched her star to a man whose emotional spectrum doesn’t surpass licking his lips when he likes something. She says she wants “more” from Riley and it’s like, what more do you want from the man? You sucked his toe on national television!! I’m pretty sure those ground rules should have been established before any toenail breached your lips. 

Maurissa hints that she wants more than just the physical and she worries that with Riley that’s all she’ll ever get. You guyssss. I want them to work out so badly. The last time I was this deeply invested in a relationship, I was aggressively following #Jelena fan accounts and listening to “Lose You to Love Me” on repeat. Please, god, can I have this one nice thing?

Riley admits that he does need to be more vulnerable with Maurissa. He tells her that he’s not looking for anyone else, he’s all about her. He also opens up about some deeply personal family stuff that’s affected his ability to be vulnerable in relationships. At one point he even starts crying, almost against his will. The moment is so raw that it feels invasive that ABC ever filmed it in the first place.

Riley tells Maurissa that he’s falling in love with her, and my, how far they’ve come from their first date when they were truth-or-daring each other into admitting the intricacies of their masturbation schedules. It’s true what they say: you can find love in a hopeless place!

Meanwhile, Mari and Kenny are finding themselves equally troubled. While Maurissa and Riley’s relationship hurdle was more of an emotional intimacy issue, Mari and Kenny’s hurdle is more of a Kenny’s intimacy-with-every-other-woman-on-the-beach issue. I mean, his dick is literally still wet from sleeping with Demi…

They’re allowed a date card because apparently Kenny knows the right producer to bribe. Stick with him, baby, and you’ll see all the doors his garage band managing experience will open for ya.

I am absolutely sickened by the caliber of one-on-one dates this season. Why is every “romantic” date these people plan an egregious example of a health code violation? The theme for Kenny and Mari’s date is Taco Tuesday. The catch? They have to make and eat the tacos off of each other’s naked bodies. Honestly, they probably didn’t even tell Kenny to take his clothes off, he just started shedding his shorts and was like “no hablo español but this is good, sì?” 

Oh god, she’s really going to eat that right off his Axe body spray-doused body. Sometimes I can’t believe I willingly watch this show. I hope they’re allowed to at least rinse off all of that melted cheese and sour cream before they go back to camp? I know this is supposed to be sexy, but I just feel like I’m watching a yeast infection grow in real time.

Mari is like, “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see tacos and not think of this date!” Yeah, Mari. Thanks, me too. You’ve scarred me. 

Rain On My Parade

It seems as if the universe is as fed up with these people as I am. While I’ve spent the last 90 minutes fantasizing about ways to shut it all down immediately (I still think my strongest case lies with those blatant health code violations), it seems Mother Nature beat me to it! As the contestants sip mimosas and agonize over which Revolve outfit to don for the rose ceremony, production tells us that filming must stop immediately. There’s a tropical storm headed straight for them and legally (they already asked) they can’t film the couples being traumatized by a natural disaster—only disasters of their own making. 

PRODUCTION: We need you to evacuate immediately.
THE CONTESTANTS:

By all means, move at a glacial pace, people. 

I will say, watching these people clamber for a ride like it’s the last life raft on the Titanic is, perhaps, the most exciting thing to happen all episode. They’re all like, “if I don’t make it, remember we had some good times, okay?” If you don’t make it?? Sir, it’s drizzling outside. Calm yourself. Also, I imagine they’re all going to the same hotel? Why are they acting like they’ll be separated? 

THE COUPLES RN:

ME: 

And just like that, they’re back! It seems like a mere 12 hours have passed since the contestants fled the beach before they’re back and ready for a “brunch” cocktail party. A brunch cocktail party. Have you ever heard of such a thing? It’s like they’re trying to tempt fate and give Mother Nature another excuse to wipe this beach from existence. 

There shouldn’t be any real surprises at this rose ceremony. Most of the couples are pretty established at this point and are busy basking in each other’s awesomeness in a way that makes me want to singe someone’s eyebrows. The only real wild card is Chelsea. At the last rose ceremony, Aaron gave her his rose. But since then Chelsea has gone on a date with Demar and made out with Ivan. That’s right. You read that correctly. Mere moments before Chelsea was set to hand out her rose, Ivan made one last play for love (or, at least, 72 more hours of a free beach vacation).

Cue Aaron immediately flying into a rage. Look, I could write an entire dissertation on how problematic I think Aaron is, but I’ll leave it at this: Aaron is the most underratedly toxic and misogynistic contestant I’ve seen in a long while. At least since the Luke P days. Think about all the fights he gets into. What are they over? A woman’s honor. He has this disgusting savior complex, this warped view that all women need saving, as if they aren’t rational, free-thinking individuals who are perfectly capable of making their own decisions, romantic or otherwise. He claims he “respects” women, but then the first insults out of his mouth are to call Ivan a “little bitch boy” and a “fucking pussy.” Yes, I can literally feel how much you respect my gender, Aaron. It’s really evident in the way you hurl feminized slurs at other men to make them feel less masculine. The feminist movement needs more allies like you, pal!!

And on that note, we’ll have to wait until next week to see if the Aaron/Ivan confrontation manifests into something physical. How ever will I pass the time? Anyways, I would just like to end things by screaming into the endless void of the internet, that this episode could have definitely been an email. You’re on my list, ABC. You’re on my list. 

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (4); Tenor (2)

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: We Switched To Tuesday Nights For This?

Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor in Paradise recap. Well, regular in the sense that I have recapped it despite ABC upending the very fabric of my being by moving all Bachelor-related content to Tuesday nights. There are only a few things I’m certain of in this life: death, taxes, and my right to watch filler-filled twentysomethings tarnish their family names for 120 minutes every Monday night. How dare you, ABC. 

Mess With The Bull, You Get The Horns

Speaking of audacity, let’s pick up where we left off last week, shall we? Chris and Alana have just been cast out from Paradise like whores from Babylon. Never mind that the true Judases, Pieper and Brendan, remain untouched by scandal. Look, all I’m saying is if tonight doesn’t end with Pieper and Brendan being tied down in the town square as residents of Paradise launch tomatoes and the dregs of Wells’ shitty cocktails at them for an Instagram Live, then there’s no justice in this world. Give the people what they want. 

Thank god for Demi, though, because she’s using her last two brain cells to put two and two together and is realizing Brendan did Natasha just as dirty as Chris did Jessenia. And if anyone gets to be the villain on this beach, it’s her. Don’t get it twisted. 

As we move into the third formal rose ceremony, Demi brings her argument to the Powers That Be: the last remaining single women… and Joe. Oh good, the council is convening. 

Demi starts pointing out the similarities between the Chris/Alana thing and Brendan/Pieper. She says that the only reason the guys haven’t chased Brendan off the beach with their pitchforks yet is because they like him more than they liked Chris. Say it louder for the people in the back, Demi!!

When Natasha starts in with her story, ABC frames it just right. I mean, I’ve seen less sad Humane Society commercials. They should have put her voice over a Sarah McLachlan track for maximum effect. 

And no one is more affected than Joe. He looks positively ill at being bamboozled by a boy who knows too much about the brand Revolve. Oh, sweetie. The dating apps would eat you alive.  

Does anyone else feel like Joe is the kind of guy who sprung fully-formed from his mother’s womb, complete with a five o’clock shadow, mortgage, and five teenage daughters to support? He was destined for this shit right here. He’s truly thriving with all of this drama. With every lurid accusation Natasha lobs against Brendan, Joe’s sighs get heavier and heavier. Everyone is tattling to daddy and now he has to dole out the punishment. 

JOE RN:

Next time he’s cracking skulls, y’all!

Joe leads his kindergarten class of enraged women to confront the happy couple. Brendan doubles down on his claim that he and Pieper definitely weren’t dating before Paradise, he only bought her ticket to Mexico, gave her a key to his apartment, and listed her as his emergency contact. But you can do that with buddies too, okay!! 

The crux of Brendan and Pieper’s argument is that they didn’t realize there were any rules to Paradise and thus, them showing up as a fully formed couple didn’t seem “wrong” to them. I don’t think there necessarily is a rule against coming on the show and thinking you might pursue a certain person. I don’t even think there’s a rule against having casually met that person IRL and then coming on the show to form a deeper connection. What’s wrong is how Brendan strung Natasha along for his personal gain. She flat-out asked him if he had a thing for Pieper and his response was the equivalent of calling her crazy. 

BRENDAN: We weren’t dating before, I barely knew her.
PIEPER: I knew him and I came here only for him
BRENDAN: 

My god, it’s actually stunning how bad Pieper is at PR. She simply cannot help but bury the two of them alive. At one point Brendan suggests they leave before the producers procure a date card for a cage diving with sharks excursion and accidentally forget to properly secure the cage, and she literally responds with: “I guess, but I would have liked the chance to stay so I could make more money.” It’s like she’s given up on all pretenses that she’s anything but the like-hungry friend my mother warned me about when I joined “Facebox” all those years ago. By all means, live your truth hunnie. 

What’s nuts is that the cast doesn’t even know the true depths to Brendan and Pieper’s treachery. Even now as they debate if they should or shouldn’t leave Paradise, they can’t seem to help but sabotage whatever scraps of their reputation they had left. Just wait until everyone hears these behind-the-scenes soundbites, kids.

PIEPER, GEN Z REPRESENTATIVE: I didn’t know it was taboo to use people for followers
JOE’S DELICATE MILLENNIAL SENSIBILITIES: 

 

In the end, Brendan and Pieper decide to leave. Brendan’s final words are that he never meant to mislead anyone, he just “intentionally withheld information.” And that, sir, is exactly the phrase Bachelor Nation will inscribe on your headstone! Good riddance. 

The Rest Of The Rose Ceremony

I would be remiss if I didn’t discuss the rest of the rose ceremony, however uneventful it felt after the dismissal of Dumb and Dumber back there. Whilst half of the contestants were off battling Brendan and Pieper for the soul of Paradise, Riley and Maurissa felt their presence was best used to recreate soft-core porn. I have never seen so many close-up shots of whipped cream, sand, and random body parts in all my life.

Look, Maurissa is stunning and for that fact alone there’s not much I wouldn’t watch her do, but I have to draw a line at sucking a grown man’s toe. The only person who should be that up close and personal to an ingrown toenail is your pedicurist, and even then, tongues should be left out of the equation entirely. Is nothing sacred to you people?! 

Moving on to the Tammy/Thomas/Becca love triangle. If you’ll recall, last week Becca politely asked Tammy’s permission to take Thomas on a date AND TAMMY SAID YES. I’m just not sure what Tammy’s game plan was here. As a child, did no one ever read to you If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? Well, if you give a hoe an inch, she will steal your man!

When Tammy confronts Thomas about his date, he basically tells her that Becca seems more stable. Do you mean more stable mentally?? Than Tammy does?? Bold to just say it to her face like that. Clearly he likes to live life on the edge. 

Lol Tammy is having the worst birthday of her life. First her eyelashes look about ready to take flight from her eyelids completely, and then Thomas straight-up dumps her. Look, speaking as a woman who was not only dumped on her birthday, but the dumping was also done whilst the guy was in mid-beer pong swing, I’m telling you, you will get over it. Look at me! It’s been 10 years since that particular offense and I can confidently say I only think about it every night right before bed and hold it against every man I ever meet. I’m a success story in the making!

Speaking of the rose ceremony, the line-up goes as such:

Fresh Meat

It’s a new day in Paradise, which means new men are rolling in! Blake arrives on the scene first and I’m starting to think that ABC is doing some sort of social experiment on all of us. Like, were these people actually contestants on the show or are you just hiring actors, slapping them with hot guy names, and telling us they “went home early during Clare’s season”? Is Blake one of Dale’s contacts from his Party City modeling days? Be honest with us, ABC. WHAT IS THE TRUTH? 

As if ABC can sense my skepticism hot on their trail, they nudge the contestants into acting like this “Blake” person is sooo well-known in Bachelor Nation that everyone just calls him “Tatty Daddy.” *Gags repeatedly*

And no one is stanning this stranger harder than Tia. She asked the lord to give her a man with tattoos and the lord delivereth. 

TIA: Tatty Daddy makes my vagina dance
TIA’S ACTUAL DADDY: 

Another new arrival this week: Joe. The other Joe. Doctor Joe. He hits it off with Natasha, which feels especially delicious given Brendan’s recent proclamations that no man would touch her with a 10-foot pole. 

Things were looking up for Natasha. Joe asked her on a date and even offered to drink the margarita with a bug floating in it. You won’t find that shit on the apps. But because we cannot have nice things, the date quickly takes a turn for the worse when it’s revealed that Joe and Brendan are in a committed broship. They have the friendship bracelets to prove it.  

Unfortunately, the two can’t get over the whole Brendan thing. Natasha was hoping to meet a man who would help her cast a curse on the next three generations of his lineage and instead she met a man who would rather do this:

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Dr. Joe Park (@josephparkmd)

For shame, Joe. For shame. 

The final moments of the episode set us up for more Serena/Joe/Kendall drama next week. It appears that being marooned on a beach, watching your ex fall in love with a girl who thinks anything from the 1990s is “vintage”, is actually not great for your mental health. Shocking. Until next week!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (5); @josephparkmd /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Off With Their Heads!

Welcome back to the best Bachelor in Paradise recap you’ll ever read! It’s your lucky day, betches, because you’re getting two recaps in one. This of course has everything to do with convenience for you, dear readers, and nothing at all to do with me being so violently hungover from LDW that my stomach still turns if anyone even thinks the words “green tea shots” near my general vicinity. I do it all for you!

And I’m not the only one going hard for America. It looks like this week ABC stopped being polite and started getting real. Monday and Tuesday night’s episodes were truly wild. At one point I had the distinct thought that next the producers might let loose live tigers on the beach to eat them all alive. It would be a kindness at this point. 

THE BiP CAST MATES AT ANY POINT THIS WEEK:

There is A LOT to cover from the last two days so, for those of you looking for more of a highlights reel situation (the audacity), luckily for you, I got lazy. So without further ado:

Batshit Things That Happened That Were Only Mildly Entertaining

• Noah’s neck started to look like a Francesca’s clearance rack with the amount of delicate necklaces he’s accumulated
• Tituss Burgess took over as host and I’m not impressed (smite me, I dare you)
• Noah and Abigail’s love was rekindled (or at the very least, they have agreed to go back to being friends who politely kiss for the sake of roses)
• Tia lusted over Kenny
• Mari lusted over Kenny
• Demi lusted over Kenny
• Kenny lusted over himself for being a heartthrob for the first time since the original 90210 aired
• ABC threw a house party
Becca made the moves on Thomas

And now for the real dirt…

Hurricane Kendall: Continued

Monday night’s episode opens with Kendall returning to Paradise. For those of you newbies to BiP, Kendall and Joe met and fell in love on this very beach a few seasons back. I think I speak for all of us when I say her return is the most shocking thing to happen all season. And by “shocking,” I mean a producer orchestrated the entire scene to within an inch of its life. 

The first thing Kendall does is pull Joe aside for a “talk”, and it definitely feels like this conversation didn’t have to happen under such high stakes circumstances. Like, Kendall, whatever happened to getting blitzed on wine flights with your girlies, realizing three drinks in that you’re the last single one at the table and the only guy to get fresh with you recently had the hobbies of a stock photo person, drinking three more drinks, and then ending the night crying in a bathroom, scrolling through photos of your ex before finally finding the courage to leave a tear-stained voicemail on his phone that sounds suspiciously like Olivia Rodrigo song lyrics?? Be a normal person, okay!! You’re not better than us!

I can already tell that Kendall’s interference with Joe’s new relationship will have America wanting to skin her alive like one of her taxidermy babies, but honestly I’m on her side. Supposedly the reason they broke up was over logistics. He didn’t want to stay in LA, she didn’t want to move to Chicago. I’m getting the feeling that the breakup was a temporary move to prove a point, except neither of them caved. And yet here he is dating some Gossip Girl-named Gen-Zer who lives in a whole-ass other country. THE FACTS AREN’T ADDING UP, JOSEPH. 

Speaking of which, where does this leave Joe and Serena? While at first it very much seemed like Joe would like to have his cake and eat it too, in the end he decides to only pursue things with Serena. He admits that Kendall’s arrival is bringing up old feelings for him, but they’re done 100%, which is not really how he phrases it to Kendall, but okay pal. 

And look, it’s not that I’m rooting for Kendall, I’m just actively rooting for Joe to date someone his own age (hi). Sorry to all you #Jerena shippers, but that’s just the way the cookie is crumbling, okay!!

The First Rule About Influencing Is That You Don’t Talk About Influencing 

Every generation needs a Bonnie and Clyde, a hot couple to upend society and blow up their lives for our own entertainment. This season our Bonnie is a girl whose name is spelled like it’s a mistake and a guy whose love language is turtlenecks. Not really what we asked for, but if you’re looking for the end of civilization as we know it, I think it might start with any offspring spawned by these two (and, yes, I’m counting any Instagram couple accounts). 

Monday night we saw the return of Pieper. For weeks now, Brendan has been dogged by rumors that he and Pieper were dating prior to his coming to Paradise, and that he’s actually currently in a relationship with her. He, of course, denied the rumors and pledged his feelings to Natasha (if vague affirmations and minimal touching can be considered a “pledge”). Now we know that story was absolute bullshit. 

Pieper walks into Paradise and WITHOUT EVEN READING HER DATE CARD OR LOOKING AT ANOTHER HUMAN ON THE BEACH chooses Brendan for the date. Sus. Then we get to their date. Brendan is trying to play it off like the two of them just have some sort of instant connection. Meanwhile, Pieper is blowing their cover story to smithereens. 

PIEPER: Why are you acting like we don’t know each other? We’re dating. Here, let me say it 1,000 more times on camera. WE’RE DATINGGGGG.
BRENDAN:

And this, friends, is why you don’t enlist someone whose resume is just a link to their TikTok to assist you in your grift. 

Okay, these two are both garbage monsters who deserve to be banished to a remote cave until the end of their days. Why did they do this? For followers? An Us Weekly spread? A free trip to a mediocre Mexican resort with no air conditioning and a bartender whose “official training” included two hours of liking things on Pinterest? I repeat: I. don’t. get. it. 

And what’s worse than Brendan’s betrayal of Natasha or their outright disrespect for the fandom is how supremely bad they are at controlling their own narratives. Brendan fully admits to Pieper that he manipulated Natasha into keeping him around so he could wait for her to show up. He says this ON CAMERA. Like, do they understand they’re being recorded? Just because you yell “cut!” doesn’t mean the cameras have stopped rolling. 

And then there’s Natasha. She has been so chill and mature throughout this whole thing. I just really want her to give herself permission to set something ablaze. Instead of acting petty or starting hurtful rumors, she goes straight to the source. She asks Pieper outright if they were dating already and Pieper is like “yeah, but it’s not like we even made a vlog about it yet, so what’s the big deal??” A VLOG. It’s sickening. 

While Pieper’s confrontation with Natasha made me want to scream violently into the void, Brendan’s confrontation actually made me consider commenting on his mother’s Instagram to tell her, in detail, what kind of trash her son is. Did you raise him to behave like this??

Instead of coming clean or acting remotely remorseful, he chooses to emotionally bully Natasha into silence. I think at one point he says that he never had feelings for Natasha and that her own “selective hearing” is to blame if she ever thought that was the case.  

BRENDAN: She had no viable options other than me. I didn’t keep her from anyone here.
ME TO MY DOG, ALONE IN OUR LIVING ROOM: 

Wow, the producers really are trying to get this man killed. Brendan keeps acting like Natasha is not gorgeous and sweet and someone absolutely anyone with working eyes and ears would want to fuck. But by all means, continue to bury your IG stats alive…

Do you hear that?? The sound of Brendan’s popularity plummeting? #bachelorinparadiseabc

— The Betchelor🥀 (@betchelorpod) September 7, 2021

More than anything, the thing that cements their fates is how obvious they are about their clout-chasing. The morning after their date, the cameras pan to them lounging in (what they assume is) a secluded corner. To the delight of the producers they then proceed to dissect their Instagram stats and predict how their fake love story will result in better magazine coverage and sponsorship deals. On camera. While talking directly into their microphones. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, listen kids. The first rule of influencing IS THAT YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT THE INFLUENCING. YOU IDIOTS. 

What’s most infuriating is that they seemingly get away with their scam. When Natasha voices her frustrations about the situation to the other contestants, they mostly ignore her. The guys even openly side with Brendan.

By Tuesday’s episode, Brendan and Pieper’s clout-chasing is barely a plot line anymore. Instead, the focus shifts to Chris and Jessenia’s relationship, where Chris is accused, tried, and convicted of the very same crime Brendan and Pieper are guilty of. 

Let’s set the scene: One of Tituss’ first decrees as host is to invite a chosen few to a “VIP” party off site. “VIP” feels like a strong exaggeration of the vibe, given the high school gym setting and middle school dance flashbacks the scenery evokes. They might as well play Usher’s  “Yeah” and see how long it takes for these boys to pop an accidental boner in their khakis.

Side note: to emphasize the fact that ABC is done talking about the Natasha/Brendan/Pieper storyline, they don’t even invite our queen to their sad little house party. Like, if anyone on this planet deserves a drink rn…

NATASHA NOT GETTING INVITED TO THE VIP PARTY: 

The party creates maximum chaos for Jessenia and Chris. I wasn’t far off earlier when I mentioned ABC producers’ inclination to throw live tigers at these people. Sub out “tigers” for “random hoes” and the effect is about the same. That’s right, the moment the party begins, four new girls arrive on the scene to shake things up. Chris immediately hits it off with Alana, whom we are told is a person who was on this franchise at some point in her life. Seems fake, but okay.

Even though Alana has been in Mexico for less time than it takes to go through airport customs, Chris decides he’s in love and breaks things off with Jessenia. I tried to tell you, Jessenia. Never trust a boy with vocal fry. 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by the bitchelorette (@bitchelorette_)

Tbh, I barely even took notes during this section because it was so boring compared to the other drama that happened this week. But alas, this is what the people of Paradise choose to rally against. While Brendan and Pieper discuss which TikTok dance to use to debut their couple status, the rest of the contestants plan how to get away with Chris’ international murder.

Riley and Joe are at the forefront of this angry mob. Joe is talking like he knows people who could “handle” the situation. Just say the word, guys. Seriously. Say it. Though I appreciate them standing up for Jessenia, it feels a little hypocritical after Joe completely blew off Natasha’s concerns the night before. I mean, where is the outrage against Brendan?

Sure, Chris and Alana probably knew each other before filming. But I think it was more of a flirty crush and/or one-time hook up. I don’t think they were full-on dating like Brendan and Pieper clearly were. At the very least they gave a decent go at pretending to be strangers before the show. (Thank you for humoring us, btw). Their crimes feel juvenile in comparison. Chris is getting the backlash that Brendan and Pieper so clearly deserve, and it’s infuriating to watch. 

We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Natasha gets the justice she deserves. Until then I’ll just keep refining my manifesto that warns against the dangers of trusting men in skinny jeans. TTYL!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); @thebetchelor /Twitter (1); @bitchelorette_ /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Naked And Afraid

Welcome back to Hell! Once again, we find ourselves shackled to our couches for the sake of watching grown adults slowly poison themselves one skinny margarita at a time. Ah, yes. It’s good to be home. 

The Never-Ending Rose Ceremony

Speaking of home, when last we left off we were moments away from finding out which of the men would live to black out on the beach another day and which of them would have to take their talents back to the DMs (honestly, where all of these barn animals belong). Up on the chopping block tonight we have: Aaron, Thomas, Karl, Connor, Ivan, Chris, and Chasen.

In my last recap, I alluded to there being an undercurrent of sexual tension between Aaron and Thomas, and I’m happy to report that, boy, is that tension still alive and thriving. They both claim that Tammy is the object of their affections and yet “Tammy” appears to only be a thinly veiled excuse for the two of them to bump chests and make heated eye contact on a secluded corner of the beach. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, boys. 

Aaron is pissed because he thinks Tammy should be happy with their relationship. I’m sorry but, “relationship” is a bit of a stretch. The two of you have built some sort of connection off of looking hot on beaches and agreeing to generally stand near each other when the cameras are in range. That’s not a relationship, that’s a business transaction. 

Meanwhile, Thomas has, like, actually shown physical interest in Tammy. I know because I yell “hands!!” and cover my eyes in disgust every time the two of them start to go at it on a day bed. Idk, Aaron. I feel like this is a you problem, not a Thomas problem. 

AARON: I can’t believe she would do this to me… I gave her EVERYTHING!!
ABC’S GREEK CHORUS: 

Also, let’s talk about Aaron’s behavior for a second. For someone who has built a reputation on this franchise as some sort of knight in shining armor, slayer of bad-intentioned men, and self-proclaimed “savior” of grown-ass women who have working eyes and ears and can look out for themselves just fine—he is acting like quiet the fuckboy this evening. 

Tammy tries to have a calm, adult conversation with him about her feelings for Thomas. Sure, she could have been more honest and upfront with Aaron, but they’ve been dating for five days. Get over it. Aaron, in turn, starts gaslighting the shit out of Tammy. He says that Tammy “straddled” Thomas in front of everyone, and the use of that term feels very strategic and slut-shamey to me. This has everything to do with him feeling embarrassed and hardly anything to do with his actual feelings toward Tammy. 

Look at the way he positions this conversation. It’s all about what Tammy did to him. She humiliated him. She made him a laughing stock. And then he ends the conversation with a threat: you will regret this. Yikes.

Our women’s ally, everyone! It’s good to know that we’ll have Aaron in our corner, fighting the good fight, so long as we continually pad his ego and never engage in consensual semi-sexual acts with people he tried to control us from interacting with in the first place. The women’s movement needs more support from guys like this, amiright?

The rest of the rose ceremony is pure chaos. While Aaron sends smoldering looks toward Thomas from across the bar, another love triangle plays out between Karl, Deandra, and Chasen. Both guys have set their sights on Deandra’s rose, and have decided that the best way to go about winning her affections is by gifting her with heinous jewelry. A bold move, Cotton. 

Meanwhile, Tre decides to take himself out of the rose ceremony completely and self-eliminate from Paradise, despite absolutely no one asking him to do so. Like… you already had… a rose…? He’s like “me and Tahzjuan just aren’t clicking” and it’s like, is it that you’re not “clicking” or is it that she “clicked” with your uncle first? What’s the truth, Tre!

TRE’S UNCLE RN:

By now, the rose ceremony has dragged on for approximately three quarters of this episode. ABC does love to punish their audience, but this feels particularly Promethean in nature. For those of you uncultured swine whose eyes just stumbled over that analogy, Prometheus was a figure in Greek mythology who was punished by Zeus for gifting man with fire. His punishment involved having his liver devoured by an eagle every day for all eternity. Replace “violent removal of entrails” with “listening to Aaron moan about his romantic prospects on loop”, and I’m feeling Prometheus’ pain. Honestly, I’d take the eagle. 

Let’s look at the results of the rose ceremony, shall we? The lineup goes as such:

Seniors Night

That’s right folks! You read that last line right. At the tail end of the rose ceremony, Becca Kufrin makes her triumphant return to the Bachelor franchise. Well, as triumphant as you can be slinking into Mexico to find love with franchise rejects after breaking off an engagement with someone who probably thinks QAnon theories “have merit.” Good luck to you, sweetie!

I guess I’m the only one who’s unimpressed, because everyone is acting like ABC just dropped a Hadid on the beach with them. The girls are like “it’s over for us hoes, Becca can have anyone here!” but they do realize that Becca is just a mall-person from Minnesota… right? I mean, for god’s sake, Tahzjuan took one look at Becca and hopped in a cab back to the airport. It’s madness! 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by the bitchelorette (@bitchelorette_)

I wonder if it has anything to do with her age. At 30, Becca is one of the oldest women here. Perhaps it’s that air of authority, that knowledge that Wells won’t question her I.D. at the bar, that makes her so attractive. Like how when you’re growing up you think your babysitter is the hottest person alive, but in reality she’s just an 11th grader with a penchant for scrunching her hair. Yeah, like that.

Tia Booth also returns to Paradise this week. The addition of Tia and Becca to the cast effectively raises the median age of female cast members from “basically 21” to “if I drink two margaritas I’m going to need a Tums.” I love this vibe. 

While Becca hits it off with Aaron (ew), Tia only seems to have eyes for Kenny and asks him to go on a date with her. Joe’s like, “I knew it, Kenny is very much her type.” Okay, but who would call that man their type? He’s not so much a “type” as the kind of person you can’t avoid once you cross state lines into Florida. 

DEMI: Life is hard when you’re dating the hottest guy on the beach
THE GUY: 

Seriously, WHAT is the appeal here?

If Demi thought she had reason to worry about Tia, just WAIT until she learns about the other three naked people on their date. While some couples get to go jet skiing or enjoy a romantic candlelit dinner, Tia and Kenny get to play nude volleyball with random beach people. Well, ABC is certainly creating a mood here (even if that mood is “y’all need Jesus”). 

The amount of times I’ve heard “labia” and “flaccid penis” in the last five minutes is making me want to soak my brain in bleach. Like, this isn’t even sexy! It’s a miserable day for a beach volleyball game, naked or not. You can tell it’s humid as hell and in a constant state of drizzling. Wet sand has got to be everywhere. The vibes on the beach now are less “second chance at love” and more “naked and afraid.”

What’s crazy is how easy it is for Kenny to talk Tia out of her top. All it takes is a wink and cajoling smile from a townie cover band manager and suddenly she’s throwing away her morals and bringing dishonor to her family’s good name. It’s a tale as old as time. 

DEMI: I’m not worried. She’s not as fun as me.
TIA: *flashes china pot* 

Tia! What will the prayer circle back home say??

Hurricane Kendall 

Most of tonight’s episode highlights the love story blossoming between Serena P and Joe. By “highlights” I mean they show a clip of Serena asking Joe what his last name was and we are to understand that this means they’re connecting on intimate levels. The bar is so low here. 

But of course, ABC would never just let people be happy. No, no, no. The second they sense Joe isn’t about to fling himself into the ocean from despair, they decide to bring him right back to the brink by calling in the big guns: Kendall. That’s right, KENDALL IS BACK, BITCHES. Question: Has Kendall always had that slamming body? Or did she bring it out just to torture Joe in this moment? 

JOE: I’ve finally moved on. I’m so happy.
KENDALL: Hey butthead.

HEY BUTTHEAD. HEY! BUTTHEAD!!!

Can you imagine being Serena P in this moment? And having to watch your new love interest get emotionally ruined after his ex shows up and greets him with a third grader’s slur? 

I’ll be on the edge of my seat until next week!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; @bitchelorette_ /Instagram (1); @floridaman_ /Twitter (1); Giphy (2)

The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Torture Continues

For those of you who missed Monday night’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise, well then, you missed one helluva rose ceremony. I say “helluva” because I’m convinced this show is actually hell on Earth and my own personal Bad Place for that one time I wrote “call Ashley for a good time” on the bathroom stall in middle school. That’s the only reasonable excuse for ABC’s subjecting us all to watch Instagram’s version of Capitol people chug bottom shelf tequila for four hours in two days. 

More evidence that blasted patch of sand might be haunted by some sort of demonic entity? Connor—ukulele-playing, paw licking, sh*t at tongue-kissing, Connor—somehow managed to pair up with certified smoke show Maurissa. If that’s not an indicator that some sort of biblical tragedy is about to befall us all, then I’m not sure what is. 

But nothing gave off more of a sense of wrongness than watching Demi “I Made Bachelor Nation My Bitch” Burnett face romantic rejections she didn’t orchestrate herself for what must be the first time in her entire life. Have you ever seen a gazelle turn around and disembowel a lion? If you had, would it not conjure up images of the end of days? That’s what it felt like watching Demi get rejected by Brendan. And Connor. And Aaron. And every other guy on that damn island.

Demi came into Paradise with the same energy I bring to a “casual girl’s night” after showing up in my sluttiest Shein top, ready to get smacked off of half-priced bottles of wine. In other words, chaotic. She was ready to burn bridges and hair extensions and she didn’t care who knew it. But while she talked a big game, she only just narrowly escaped elimination after conning Jordan—sorry, James—into giving her a “friendship” rose. How cute. 

I can’t wait to see what else Mike Fleiss the devil has planned for us tonight! 

Fresh Meat 

Speaking of, this week it’s ladies choice, which means new men and fresh meat are rolling into Paradise. I use the term “fresh meat” because watching the women prepare themselves for the incoming testosterone was like something out of a Scared Straight episode. I have never seen so much lip licking and chest puffing in my life.

The new host is the first to grace us with his presence. The contestants are called to attention at the gathering gazebo, where they stumble upon a boom box with a note that reads: “play me.” First of all, I think it’s cute that ABC thinks these barely-out-of-their-tweens contestants actually know what that relic from the past is, let alone how to play music on it. Perhaps Grocery Store Joe can shed some light on how we used to listen to music in the dark days before streaming services?

ABC: 

THE CONTESTANTS: 

“Bye, Bye, Bye” starts playing, and they all look a little too well-versed in the lyrics, if you know what I mean. Like, I’m sure these girls and boys have bought an *NSYNC T-shirt from Urban Outfitters’ “vintage” section, but I’m not at all convinced their knowledge of the band goes beyond that reference point. Only Kenny lights up like a kid on Christmas. I can’t wait for him to be over-served on margaritas and reminisce about the time he stuck his band manager business card down Lance Bass’ pants in ‘99. 

That’s right, kids, Lance Bass is the new host for this week! The cast seems only mildly impressed by Lance’s frosted blue tips before turning their attentions back to whatever keto-friendly beverage they’re in the midst of guzzling.

Thomas also makes an appearance this week. That’s right: the Thomas. Mr. I’m Here For Likes Not Love, himself. And boy, did he make a splash. Almost immediately, the guys start acting like sociopathic cave men, hiding the women from a prehistoric predator. Aaron is like, “Thomas is manipulative but I’m confident none of the women will fall for his charm.” I’m sorry, but have you met women? That’s kind of our love language. 

WHAT THE MEN ARE SAYING: He needs to be taught a lesson.
WHAT THE WOMEN ARE HEARING:

Thomas sets his sights on Serena P. and, honestly, I’m not convinced it’s a bad thing. I genuinely think Joe is way too old for Serena. The fact that he’s entertaining this whole thing at all is making me lose so much respect for him. I mean, MY GOD, my car is as old as their age gap—and I’ve had that thing since 2008! This is why I’m single, y’all. Men my own age are dating women born the same year I attended an *NSYNC concert at the Greensboro Coliseum. 

More evidence that Serena is way too young for Joe: when asked why she decided to go on a date with Thomas, she acknowledged that she will probably see some red flags but—and I quote—“he’s super hot, so whatever.” You’re right. She does seem like wife material, Joey. 

Thomas does little during their date to prove he’s not a giant POS. For starters, he wears shorts that hug every crevice of his penis and subtly thrusts his pelvis whenever a camera is near. Also probably not a good idea? Actively reading from your burn book instead of wooing the woman in front of you. Thomas attempts to explain the rumors that have plagued his journey on the franchise and, naturally, this blows up in his face. Honestly, if he had just stuck to flexing his abs and flashing those dimples instead of airing his dirty laundry, then maybe Serena wouldn’t have been so turned off by him. Play to your strengths, buddy, and character is not your strength. 

Meanwhile, Joe is handling this about as well as I do reading the comments on my own articles. Not well, bitch! By the time Serena comes back from her date, I’m not convinced there will be anything left of Joe beyond a sweaty bandana and a mist of anxiousness and desperation clouding the air near the general vicinity of where he was standing. 

In the end, Serena decides to skip the drama and stick with her old man. She got her hot make-out session on the beach, that’s really all Thomas was good for anyway. 

Thomas’ Group Date

Poor Thomas. He thought he was going to be taking long, romantic walks on the beach with some newly humbled hot girls. Instead the only long, romantic walks he’s taking are with every man on this beach. Instead of focusing on, say, wooing the women around them and surviving the next rose ceremony, the guys have put all of their focus and energy on Thomas. 

Is it just me or is the tension almost a little… sexual? Especially the vibes between Aaron and Thomas. Like, Aaron could give a sh*t what Tammy does all day, but if Thomas even breathes in someone else’s general vicinity he’s ready to throw hands. Look, I read a lot in the haters-to-lovers trope and I’m telling you right now that if you lock these boys in a room with a pitcher of margaritas, magic is bound to happen. Just sayin’…

AARON: *says literally anything about Thomas*
ME: Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

It’s okay, boys! You know you want to. 

Thomas realizes he needs to make amends with the guys if he ever wants to get his dick wet on this beach again. He apologizes, and the group begrudgingly accepts. This tenuous truce lasts about as long as it takes for Wells to mix a drink. Tahzjuan does not like how easily the boys resolved their issues. She would also like to see them kiss. It takes her all of five minutes to start stirring the pot again. She tells Tre that she heard from Serena P that Thomas said Tre was emotionally immature and needed to be protected. Christ, that was a doozy. 

Tre confronts Thomas and tells him he knows what he said to Serena on their date and he’s DONE WITH HIM, OKAY. This is the last time he will ever be speaking to Thomas unless he blacks out at happy hour and drunk dials him to ask where it all went wrong. Again I say, the sexual tension on this beach is goddamn electric

Mr. Steal Yo Girl

In the midst of the Thomas/Serena/Joe/Tre/Aaron drama, Riley and his biceps make their grand entrance into Paradise. For those of you who need a refresher (I know I did), Riley was the cute lawyer from Tayshia’s season. His entrance is punctuated by every woman within 20 feet of him becoming weak-kneed and wet at the sight of an attractive man with a stable job. Same, ladies. Same.  

Riley’s arms are the main character #bachelorinparadise

— 𝐤𝐚𝐲𝐲𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐲 (@kayyorkcity) August 25, 2021

Riley scores a date card and asks Maurissa to accompany him. For the past two episodes, Maurissa has been attached at the face to Connor in a way that definitely doesn’t at all feel like a cry for help. So, like, I feel as if this will be good for her. By the way, Connor is feeling fine, absolutely great, excited even, for Maurissa to go on this date. Sure, Jan.

If there were any doubts in our mind that Connor shouldn’t, in fact, be shaking, it’s reinforced when Maurissa shows up for the date wearing what can only be described as leopard print floss. Damn, that woman is hot. I mean, jaws dropped at her entrance—mine included. Meanwhile, Connor is looking at her like he’s never seen that much exposed skin on a human woman in his life. Poor little buddy.

Even though there’s clear chemistry between Riley and Maurissa, ABC does their best to cock-block the couple. Happiness on this show? Never heard of her. They gift them with a romantic dinner out, but instead of food, they are served the contents of the Paradise villa’s pool filters. 

MAURISSA: I’ve never been on a real date before!
THE DATE: 

Oh, honey. 

I’m not sure what Maurissa and Riley did in a past life to deserve this date, but unless they tried to bake Hansel and Gretel in an oven, they deserved better. Lance tells them that the game is simple: answer his questions or eat whatever monstrosities ABC’s most sociopathic intern was able to cook up with a hotplate.

The questions range from tame (“have you ever slid into a celebrity’s DMs?”) to gross and sexist (“how many people have you slept with?”). At first they seem to only be answering questions that make them look good, but then Maurissa gets bold by answering the “how many times a day do you masturbate question” with an overly enthusiastic “every day!” 

*cue every married man in America turning terrified eyes to his wife, wondering if she does the same* 

And the rest is history! Riley seems absolutely smitten. He heard “I’m deeply sexual” and was like “the hunt is over!” Though their sexual chemistry is palpable, they also connect on a deeper level. They both express wanting to settle down and have kids in the future. Maurissa talks about a time in her life when she experienced a large weight gain and the impact that had on her confidence and relationships. Riley tells her that her “soul lights up a room” and then proceeds to light the rest of her up in the boom boom room. 

THE BOOM BOOM ROOM?! YOU GUYS. This isn’t the Shore House! Have some respect.

I will say ABC, deserves a goddamn Emmy for that camera work at the end of the episode. They sliced together scenes of Connor strumming along on his ukulele, reading song lyrics from his sad handwritten book, and paired it with Maurissa’s moans and flashes of Riley’s biceps.

You’re scum, ABC, but I love it. Until next time!

Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin; ABC (2); @kayyorkcity /Twitter (1); Giphy (3)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Fantasy Suites Or House Of Horrors?

Happy International Women’s Day, people!! What better way to celebrate empowering women than by watching a conventionally attractive man rail three of them in one weekend? That’s right: Fantasy Suites are here! If it feels weird to watch what is essentially a three-day orgy take place during the height of a pandemic—you’re not alone in those feelings! Never mind that Heather probably had to undergo more testing to drive that minivan within five feet of production than any of these people will have had before they swap bodily fluids for 72 hours straight. But you know, cheers to love and all of that.

Two weeks ago, Matt narrowed his group of women down to the final three: Michelle, Bri, and Rachael. But before we get to the sex, Matt tells us he can’t move forward in his Bachelor journey without first solving his daddy issues. Um, Matt, I’m glad you’re working on yourself and all of that, but don’t you think you should have worked on those intimacy issues before coming on a show that ends in a rapid-speed engagement? It took me and my therapist an entire year just to talk through the time the samples boy at Costco did not return my flirting, and you think one ambush is gonna cut it?

Okay, Matt is even gigantic compared to his own father. How is he so tall? He could fit his dad in the pocket of his jeggings!

MATT: You cheated on my mom and that has permanently altered the way I trust people and engage in romantic relationships.
MATT’S DAD: 

This conversation feels very… not staged. I’m shocked. Matt is being open and vulnerable. At one point he cries in the interview room. This is the most emotion I’ve seen out of him all season, and I’m including the time he almost killed Bri with a dune buggy.

I’m not sure what Matt was hoping to get from this conversation, but their talk ends amicably. Matt’s dad says he’s going to try more. Matt says he’ll try more too—he’ll try more to muster up the energy to pretend to want to bang those three women who are in love with him. All is right in the world.

 

 

Michelle’s Fantasy Suite Date

Now that Matt got the Chuck E. Cheese thing out of his system, he’s ready to make sweet, sweet love to the longest-limbed human I’ve ever seen. You can tell Matt is really into Michelle because he came dressed to the date wearing jeans that are actually painted on him. Matthew! Save something for the bedroom, buddy!

For the day portion of the date, Matt takes Michelle to the Pennsylvania Dutch Spa. I think this is supposed to be relaxing and romantic, a way for Matt to literally butter Michelle up before she finds out in the fantasy suite that Matt’s open-eye kissing thing extends to other parts of the bedroom as well…

Okay, I’ve never watched a fantasy suite date before that made me this nervous for a girl’s pH levels. They’re pouring hot butter on each other, rubbing oatmeal into every crevice of their bodies, soaking in baths of what I assume is unpasteurized milk—this entire date is a cautionary tale my gyno told me to scare me about getting UTIs.

MATT JAMES, MICHELLE

The more Matt and Michelle talk, the more I feel like they are pretty perfect for each other, which I’m sure means Matt will run as fast and as far away from her as possible. Michelle talks about how her parents taught her to model healthy, loving relationships. Matt says he didn’t have that growing up, but Michelle still thinks he’s her person anyway. I really want these two to work out. I mean, with wingspans like that, if they ever procreate their children could reform Mt. Olympus! Think of the possibilities!

More evidence that Matt is super into Michelle: He shows up to dinner showing zero skin from the chin down. Seriously, where does this man shop? How does one amass a wardrobe that consists of turtlenecks and skinny jeans and almost nothing else? ABC, I need answers!

MICHELLE: I would truly love the opportunity to get to know you better.
ALSO MICHELLE:

Michelle accepts the overnight invitation, and BOY, to be a fly on the wall when she explains this to her fourth graders in a few weeks. I’m sure little Ethan will ask her the hard questions again, like if she came or if she just moaned a few times until he stopped jabbing the walls of her uterine lining and called it a day.

Okay, why does this morning after look so tame? They’re lounging on the bed and Michelle is wearing an entire outfit underneath that silk robe. The only signs of any intense ardor is a singular rumpled pillow on the ground. Like, did they lose sleep having hot sex or because Michelle taught him the song to remember all the U.S. Presidents? I honestly can’t tell.

 

 

Bri’s Fantasy Suite Date

Bri’s up next, and she’s about as confident about her place in Matt’s heart as I am that I can pull off mom jeans. She was his last pick at the last rose ceremony, and thinks that might be an indicator of where their relationship ranks compared to his with the other girls. I’m not going to say this is all in her head, because the “fantasy” date he has planned for her involves hiking boots and a tent from Costco’s summer sale. Like, she knows you already rubbed hundreds of dollars worth of raw milk all over Michelle’s supple body yesterday, and you think she’s not gonna judge that y’all’s first time involved thermal underwear and a rock wedged in her spine?

BRI: You know how to pitch a tent?

I have a feeling she is not talking about where they’re going to sleep tonight. No one could “pitch a tent” in pants that tight.

Bri, Matt James

Oh okay, phew. Bri is allowed out of Matt’s Blair Witch Project and taken on some semblance of a real date. For the evening portion he takes her to an actual dinner at a place with an actual roof over their heads. A far cry from the boiled water and power bar situation Bri was probably envisioning hours earlier.

Wow, Bri looks absolutely stunning this evening. I wish I could wear a dress like that and not have to be encased in head-to-toe Spanx or undergo some sort of structural engineering with Kim K’s body tape.

Matt and Bri bond over their absentee fathers, and he is really using this same story to get into all of their pants. Like, no script change or anything from when he gave this speech to Michelle. Bold. I guess this is the least his dad could do for him. He didn’t need quality time, he just needed this story to recycle in case he ever felt like getting laid.

Okay, Bri understands what to pack for a night alone with your man. The cameras cut to their morning after and she’s draped in lace and silk. She’s cooking breakfast with pants that have slits up to her vagine. She’s pulling out alllll the stops. I just really wish I could see this for her. I think Matt is attracted to her and understands her, but they’re almost too similar or something. I don’t think he wants to end up with someone who has a similar family situation. But perhaps I’m reading too much into these strangers’ lives.

 

 

Rachael’s Fantasy Suite Date

Rachael is last this week, which I’m convinced was a strategic move on production’s part so the viewers back home could watch her slowly come apart at the seams over the last 90 minutes of this episode. I will say, her crying and pouting routine is really showing her age. What? You’re telling me you’ve never slept with a guy who’s actively sleeping with other people while he’s emotionally invested in you? What are you, 12? Grow up.

Rachael asks Matt how he’s been, and boy, is that a loaded question. Matt can tell that Rachael is being weird and he has questions. Well, get in line, buddy, because so do I. First up: what’s going on with the cut-out of that crop top? Why the belly button? Is it a Gen Z thing? Is the U-shape important? ABC, I need answers!

Okay, Rachael is being reallll pouty on this date. She freaks out halfway through their ceramics activity and pulls Matt aside to talk privately. Nothing is more of a mood killer than insecurity, let me tell you.

Rachael Kirkconnell and Matt James

RACHAEL: This week is the lowest I’ve ever felt.
MATT: Well if it makes you feel any better, Bri had to pitch my tent for me!

Matt, she doesn’t want to hear about your handjobs! Keep that stuff to yourself.

I just don’t understand why Rachael is so freaked out. She just graduated college, like, yesterday. Surely casual sex is a culture she can understand!

By the evening portion of the date, Rachael has completely forgotten about the fact that Matt has swapped more bodily fluids in the past 72 hours than a Walgreens COVID test kiosk. Rachael shows up to the dinner in a hot little red number that has Matt actually licking his lips at the sight of her. Vomit.

I think he knows she’s really hot and really into him and it’s giving him the craziest boner. Also, watching him be so into Rachael, who (all controversies aside) is clearly the youngest and most immature out of the ladies he has left, is making me think less of him. If this is the kind of girl he wants to pursue, then he’s not ready for marriage. YOU’RE A SHAM.

 

 

The Rose Ceremony

We don’t even get a morning after from Matt and Rachael’s date, and that’s how you know the sex was good. They couldn’t even tame it down for the cameras. I’m imagining Rachael staggering out of that suite, her neck raw from Matt’s turtleneck chafing. It’s best that footage remains in the vault, I think.

Instead, we jump straight into the rose ceremony. All of the ladies are decked out in black, which I can only assume is because they are mourning the loss of their dignity. Carry on, gals.

HOLY SH*T. Bri is going home? But she’s wearing a high-neck dress! She’s speaking his love language!! This is possibly the worst rose ceremony to be sent home at. Now all of America knows who gives the worst blowjobs. Plus, she left her high-powered job for this. My heart is truly breaking for her.

And that’s all she wrote, kids! See you next week for the epic finale to a season that definitely wasn’t already spoiled for us five weeks ago. Until then!

Images: @bachelorabc /Instagram (2); @ABC (2); Giphy (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Hometown Head Injuries

Hometowns are hereeeeee, and boy, has it been a journey. Is it just me, or has watching Matt whittle down his group of ladies to the final four felt a little like surviving a middle school locker room during the height of puberty? Michelle and those arms definitely look like the type who could give me a wedgie, and Rachael has a face that says “I would start a rumor about you using super jumbo tampons.” But, you know, I’m sure Matt’s wife is in there somewhere!

As I’ve mentioned, this week is Hometowns, where we’ll get to meet the families of Matt’s final four women: Michelle, Rachael, Bri, and Serena P. The theme of this year’s Hometowns is “you can never go home again,” mostly because it would take too many COVID rapid tests, and production already wasted their emergency stash on Heather. Shame. If you’ll recall, last season’s quarantine hometowns were… something. For those of you who missed it, just imagine the production value of a high school’s performance of Mamma Mia! but, like, without the pride of a bunch of art geeks hoping to use the set design on their college applications and more just Chris Harrison’s least favorite ABC intern cobbling something together with rubber cement and a sharpie. So, this week should be fun!

Michelle’s Hometown

We’re first whisked off to Michelle’s hometown of “Minnesota.” Minnesota is in air quotes here because I’m assuming we will see nothing of the actual state during this date. If anything, I imagine ABC will project a Pinterest mood board of “cold stuff” on a green screen and hope we just get it.

Okay, this is kind of cute. Michelle introduces Matt to her alter ego: “Miss Young.” Miss Young is her teacher personality whose kink is apparently having her third graders grill Matt about how many kids he wants and if he uses his hands enough during foreplay. Seriously, these questions are so invasive! Especially Ethan’s. That kid has no chill. 

Also, be real, Michelle. Did you make attendance mandatory here? I can only assume permission slips must have signed for this as well? And can I just say, Matt’s pants are VERY tight. I almost need parental controls on my TV to endure seeing those thighs, I can’t imagine the effect of seeing those bad boys live and on Zoom. 

My first impression of Michelle’s family is this: they’re HUGE. Are we sure she’s actually from Minnesota and not from whatever place birthed Hagrid? They’re SO tall, it’s insane. My second impression of the family is that they need to be protected from the franchise at all costs. They are too precious for this Earth. Her dad has a voice that could soothe my anxious dog during a thunderstorm, and her mom is wearing head-to-toe Costco in the most endearing of ways. They both seem deeply concerned that their daughter would accept a marriage proposal from a man in a tweed bomber. They’re not wrong. 

The date culminates in the most wholesome display of family dynamics I’ve seen on my screen since Boy Meets World went off the air: a family game of basketball. Excuse me, but what?? Like, I did not know that a Bachelor date would be my inspo for setting my dating standards in 2021. Brb, just going to update my Ship profile to say “If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my entire family and play a low-stakes game of pickup basketball.”

MICHELLE: I told Matt I loved him and he gave me a positive smile in return.
ME BOOKING THE NEXT FLIGHT TO PA: 

A positive smile? That’s it?! He just had a hot, confident woman with legs the length of my entire body tell him she loves him even with his turtleneck fetish, and the most feeling he can muster up is a lukewarm smile? Are you kidding me with this, Matthew? Are you into any of the women? Because right now I really couldn’t say! Do you even want a wife? Or just a roommate whose pants you can borrow? Someone make it make sense. 

Rachael’s Hometown

The racist is up next! Oops sorry, I meant Rachael is up next. She wants to show Matt what life in Georgia is like, and it all just hits a little differently now that we know her TimeHop is full of “Old South” throwbacks.

RACHAEL: *blindfolds Matt* I can’t wait to show you Georgia! Do you trust me?
ALSO RACHAEL: We’re here!!

Oh, no it’s cool, guys, she’s just going to shove him out of a plane! Luckily for her, Matt considers near death experiences to be foreplay, so he’s really into it. 

Holy sh*t. Rachael lands like a cracked egg on the pavement. Okay, why was that landing so bad? What kind of janky skydiving place did she book for this? Also, I love that they make her finish out this date even with whiplash. Matt’s like, trying to make out with her while she’s still peeling astroturf out of her hair extensions. She just face-planted, full speed from the sky, into the earth. At least wait for her concussion to subside. 

We finally meet the family and they’re… ambivalent about Matt. Honestly, there’s not much more I can say about this date. Rachael seems really into him even with her parents voicing concerns. She even wanted Matt to ask her dad for his blessing to get married. You can tell when she asked Matt about it he was like “oh right, we’re supposed to get engaged at the end of all of this.” Yes, you are buddy! Better start acting like it. 

Bri’s Hometown

I love that these are not Hometown dates as much as elaborate ways to maim Matt. Michelle was the nicest about it with that bike riding excursion, but Rachael was hoping he’d get the shoddy landing, and Bri is actively trying to crash him into a tree while they’re off-roading in that Jeep. 

BRI: Do you remember that one time you almost killed me?
ALSO BRI:

AHAHAHAHA. I love that Bri has been holding this huge grudge since week three. God, I hope she kills him. 

Also, as hot as murder is ladies, where are the real hometown dates? If I don’t see at least one high school yearbook photo from the 2000s complete with crimped hair and Hollister tees, I swear to god I’m going to lose it. 

Bri’s family consists of her mom, BFF (who’s also named Bri), and baby sister. Okay, wow her “baby sister” is a literal baby. I was expecting to meet some Gen Z-er in mom jeans ready to fire off some scathing critiques of Matt’s TikTok, not this squishy bundle of cute. 

I cannot get over how gorgeous Bri’s mom is, and also how young she is. She could be a contestant! They could have gone on this show together and rivaled The Twins™ for most outrageous professional description. 

Also, I don’t think Bri’s mom likes Matt very much. First off, Matt dodged almost all of her questions about how he sees the future with her daughter. Second of all, she keeps saying “we can mend your heart together” as if she’s already has pints of Ben & Jerry’s on deck in the hotel room should her daughter blink twice for help. 

Bri thinks that the reason she hasn’t said she’s falling for Matt yet is because she has trouble being vulnerable, but I think it has more to do with the fact that she knows nothing about this guy other than the fact that he has a penchant for skinny jeans and turtlenecks. Even so, she blurts out an “I love you” before the end of the date. Matt takes this as an encouraging sign for their relationship, but pointedly ignores that fact that when she said the L word it was accompanied by the facial expression of swallowing glass. Yeah, I think these two will go far. 

Serena’s Hometown

Last but not least, we have Serena’s hometown. Serena appears to be the only one who didn’t get the memo that “hometowns” is actually code for “create an elaborate death trap for Matt,” so she sends him to Canadian bootcamp instead. Also, I love that Serena’s hometown is just the entire country of Canada ,and that apparently the most defining moments of her childhood involve the Canadian national anthem and eating the most disgusting looking poutine I’ve ever seen in my life. 

SERENA ON THIS DATE RN:

Okay, Matt’s pants are out of control. Those jeans are practically painted onto his body! I’m shielding my eyes watching this hockey game for fear a g-string might pop out of those jeans when he leans over to hit the puck. 

Okay, Serena is soooo normal. She’s giving me huge Hannah B vibes, and by that I mean she’s relatable AF. Matt says as much when he meets her parents. He’s like “she was so normal” which sounds like an insult, but I get it. That said, I don’t think Serena is that into him. Her sister even says she doesn’t look “smitten” with him, and I would have to agree. 

SERENA’S SISTER: Do you love him?
SERENA: ….yes?
SERENA’S SISTER:

AHAHAHA. This sister is savage. I love it. 

I do think Serena is talking herself into this relationship. I’m sure she’d be into dating Matt, but marriage? Eh, not so much. The end of the date is pretty bleak. She tells Matt she’s having doubts about their relationship and he reacts with all of the emotion of a toaster. I know I used to give Lauren B a lot of sh*t for maybe being an animatronic fembot crafted in the bowels of ABC studies for the sole purpose of being Arie’s dream girl, but now I’m starting to wonder if they manufactured Matt too. He’s just way too cool under pressure. 

The Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony begins, Matt tells Chris Harrison that he got a bad feeling from his hometown date with Serena. In what I’m sure is truly altruistic in motive and has nothing at all to do with manipulating a grown man into crying for ratings, Chris encourages Matt to talk to her right now. What’s the worst that could happen! 

Matt’s like, “I need answers, she needs to talk to me” and BOY does he get them. Serena says Matt’s just not her person and essentially sends herself home before the rose ceremony. To her credit, she did find a very nice way to say “it’s not you, it’s me.” 

SERENA: *dumps him*
MATT:

I am dead that he just asked her to walk him out and then proceeded to have his own sad limo exit. Like, Matt there’s no need to have this tear-stained confessional. You’re already the bachelorette, buddy. 

Matt is visibly shaken by his encounter with Serena. He hasn’t felt this betrayed since his trainer left him for a different CrossFit. Luckily, we have Chris Harrison here to offer warm words of encouragement in the form of fearmongering. He’s like, “and are you worried no one else likes you, because I would be.” You’re ruthless, Chris. This is not the time!

At the rose ceremony, Matt tells the ladies that although he’s given off tepid expressions of feeling at best and has promised nothing of an engagement at the end of this other than “we’ll just have to see where we’re at,” that they better step tf up and fulfill their contractual obligation to make him look good. Jumping ship so late in the game is a bad look for his brand. He tells them to think long and hard before accepting any of his roses and then immediately calls Michelle’s name before finishing his last sentence. The scared straight tactics work because all of the women accept his roses. 

That’s it for this week, freaks! Start psyching yourselves up for next week’s “Women Tell All”, because Queen V and her under-eye bags are coming back, and I could not be more thrilled. Until then!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin (3); Giphy (6)