When Head Pro calls you a “slut,” he’s doing so in a super progressive, feminist way to show his solidarity, and he’s honestly offended that you didn’t realize he was being an ally. Email him your pressing dating questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Hey Head Pro,

So a few years ago, I had a MAJOR work crush on this guy. I couldn’t get him out of my head. He would pop up, totally uninvited, in sex dreams, like all the time. The thing was that back then, I had a really serious boyfriend. Serious enough that I quit that job to move to be with him. Obviously, here we are, with me writing to you—it didn’t work out.

I’m moving back to my home city soon and thinking about hitting him up. Here’s the question: IF we got back in touch, and IF he was interested, and IF anything happened:

Bad move or okay move to admit to him that I couldn’t get him out of my head back in the day?

It’s honest, and my nature is to be honest. And I feel like it’s a good thing to hear that someone thought you were hot….maybe?? In this context, though, would it just make him think I’m an unserious and kind of slutty girl?

For what it’s worth, I feel really good saying me and him never crossed a line when we worked together. Separately, I also kind of feel like he reciprocated? And separately-separately, he might not even text me back so who tf knows if this question is worth any airtime at all! But I really hope he does, and I really hope it is.

Lmk?

Yours truly,
The horniest entry-level ex-coworker in town

Dear Horny Entry-Level Ex-Coworker,

Honestly this probably wouldn’t have been worthy of airtime, if not for 1) the little tidbit at the end mentioning that you used to work together, and 2) that it brings up a larger question: When, if ever, is it a good idea to tell a guy that you think he’s a sexy studmuffin?

The question itself isn’t that interesting (spoiler: you never need to do this), but your reasons for waffling on it are: you’re worried he might think you’re “unserious and slutty.” Shoving aside the ridiculous idea that any reasonable person would ever react to a compliment that way, this is a fine example of the deeply f*cked up way we think of women and courtship!

What is a slut, exactly, and what’s slutty? Is it a woman who’s had too many sexual partners? How many is too many? Does it matter whether or not she was dating them at the time they were humping? Is someone “slutty” when they flirt too much? When they dress too (in your opinion) provocatively? If so, ok—again, what about her are those actions/behaviors revealing? That she has too much sex? That she sleeps with other women’s partners?

You don’t know, and you can’t answer any of those questions in any way that would *extremely online debate nerd voice* hold up to even mild logic or scrutiny. It’s because sluts effectively aren’t real; the term is just a pejorative we use when a woman we don’t like behaves in a way that’s inconsistent with our values and/or worldview and we lack a more precise way to describe our displeasure. Think about it: Guys love easy sex, but plenty will tell you they don’t like sluts. How does that compute? It doesn’t, because sluts are only real in the sense that that’s how we refer to women who don’t act the way we think they ought to (in the case of most men, that means “having sex with anyone who’s not me”).

Thinking about it that way, your “unserious and slutty” descriptor becomes even funnier. Your real self-criticism is right there in “unserious”: Most of us have grown up in a world where the default circumstance is men making the overtures to women. Therefore, you hit upon the idea that a woman flipping the script and making the overture to the man is so odd, so unbelievable, that he would think it was a joke before he gave it serious consideration. BUT, because this is also a cultural and sexual norm you’d be breaking, you slapped the “slutty” label on there because it just felt right. We know, for you at least (and probably a lot of people), what defines a slut: a woman who’s sexually aggressive outside of established norms (even if that woman is you).

Realistically, these aren’t risks—guys really do tire of having to do all the heavy lifting, and an invitation to the Bone Zone Cafe from the cute office girl you used to flirt with would be a godsend. Instead what you have to contend with is the potential embarrassment if he for whatever reason rejects or brushes aside the compliment. I think I’m being scientifically accurate when I say that would be embarrassing enough to cause you to rend your skin from your flesh and throw it into a fireplace.

Don’t be an idiot. Did it take your ex-boyfriend saying he cranked his hog to you before you agreed to date him? Of course not. Just do some mild social media stalking to make sure he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and then message him on your platform of choice. A text that says “hey I’m back in town, let’s catch up :)” is about as clear as you need to be.

Moving twice in a short period of time sounds like hell,

Head Pro

When Head Pro calls you a “slut,” he’s doing so in a super progressive, feminist way to show his solidarity, and he’s honestly offended that you didn’t realize he was being an ally. Email him your pressing dating questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Images: Alex Holyoake on Unsplash, Giphy

Fuckboys are not always easy to spot in the wild, given their highly adaptive nature and ability to blend in. Any betch that’s been through the Amazon jungle of dating knows that meeting a fuckboy now is like finding a Rattata in the original Gameboy Pokemon—it’s common AF but you always hope it’s something better. The key to getting rid of the fuckboys in your life is to know how to identify early signs of fuckboyism before you get too attached. Here are some telltale signs the guy you’re dating is a fuckboy you should def ditch.

1. He asks you to hang out but doesn’t text you to follow up, and when you ask if you’re still on he’s just like, “sure where should I meet you”.

2. He says things like, “we should hang” but never initiates an actual date.

3. He says things like, “let me know when you’re free” rather than proposing an actual time and place.

4. When you ask him if he’s seeing anyone else, he avoids answering and says something like, “you don’t have to worry about that”

5. He uses phrases like, “keep me posted” and, “let’s stay in touch” when you invite him to come out instead of just giving you a straight answer.

6. His friends don’t seem to know who you are, which means chances are slim he’s raving about you to them.

7. Or his friends all know who you are but act like they know something you don’t because they do: They know he’s seeing other people.

8. He’ll disappear for days without you hearing from him, and when he finally resurfaces he offers no explanation, like it’s perfectly normal.

9. When you ask him what’s up, he over-explains why he’s been so busy and offers specific details like, “hey! just been super busy with this work presentation and my cousin’s in town and also my dog is sick so I haven’t been sleeping what’s up with you?” which really translates to, “please don’t ask me to hang out.”

10. When other guys flirt with you in front of him he seems totally unfazed, not in a chill, do-whatever-you-want-because-I’m-a-feminist way, but in the honestly-could-not-care-less-about-you way.

11. When you run into other girls when you’re out, he definitely doesn’t introduce you as his girlfriend, and sometimes doesn’t introduce you at all.

12. He’s always texting other people when you’re together, and they’re def not all bros.

13. He shadily will not respond to you during prime date hours of 7-11pm, because he’s obvs on other dates.

14. His friends avoid direct eye contact with you when there’s other girls flirting with him, and more than likely some of them are also hooking up with him.

15. He’s never initiated taking a picture with you, and he’s never posted one of you guys hanging out on his social media.

If you spot, like, more than three of these behaviors, it’s time to reevaluate your life and your choices (not to mention your relationship). For more dating advice, buy our new book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, and stop falling for fuckboys.

Images: Elsa Donald on Unsplash; Giphy (18)

The Betches discuss the Men Tell All on The Bachelorette and the Anthony Scaramucci situation. Dear Betches include having an emotionally abusive boss and whether you should tell your friend if her husband is cheating on her. We also played games, fucking duh.

Hi Betches!

I know you answer questions about skin care all the time, but I recently have began making skin care more of a priority. I’m taking my makeup off every night and using both an eye cream and night time moisturizer daily. My question is about different skin masks… I’ve used charcoal/peel off masks, pore strips, sheet masks, and eye patches. Is it bad to use so many different types of products? Should I be using one of each once a week, or just pick one and stick with it? P.S. I have dry AF skin.

Thank you!
#ConfusedBetch

Dear Confused Betch,

Honestly your skin regimen sounds fucking exhausting. Like, I need a nap just listening to all the shit you do with your skin. However, you do bring up an interesting point. Dealing with your skin can be a more delicate art form than crafting the perfect Bumble bio or calculating how drunk is too drunk at work happy hours. TBH my skin can be way more psycho and vindictive than I’ve ever been with any of my ex-boyfriends. The good news though is that unlike my personality, your skin is totally fixable. So here’s what I’ve got for you:

1) You’re doing way too much with your skin rn. You need to cut that shit out pronto. Back to that psycho bitch comment, your skin can change with weather, mood, etc. so you should invest in a two-step skin care process. For example, pair a hydrating mask with a clay/exfoliating mask. The clay/exfoliating mask will pull out all that shit that’s clogging up your pores, while the hydrating mask will, like, hydrate your skin. Duh.

2) You’re also probs picking the wrong type of mask. Picking out a skin mask is not like showing up at CVS on your period and just saying “fuck it” when you get to the ice cream aisle. Just because the store is out of the type of mask you need doesn’t mean you can settle for whatever is there. This isn’t a frat party in your freshman dorm. It’s legit the chemist’s job to come up with the perfect formula for your skin so if you have dry skin (Hi, Confused Betch) then you need to use a hydrating formula.

3) But if you like wasting your time want to continue using the multi-masking system then you should only use multiple face masks to treat problem areas as they arise. This week it could be your nose low-key sabotaging your selfie game with blackheads. Then you should use a charcoal/clay mask for that area. Or maybe you got way too fucked up at last night’s happy hour and have more baggage happening under your eyes than I do in my love life. Then you need an eye-specific sheet mask. If you only treat the problem areas as they arise then you won’t overburden your skin more than you already are with that exhausting skin regimen.

But, I mean, at the end of the day, did I go to dermatology school or did I read just a bunch of articles on the Internet? I’ll let you decide…

XOXO,
The Betches

He doesn’t have to be an actual ex-boyfriend to have f*cked with your head. Whether you’ve just gotten out of a real relationship or a pseudo one, you still committed your thoughts and emotions to one person. And now that it’s over, your thoughts naturally must go elsewhere.

Sure, you have an uncanny ability to talk at length about this season’s Essie colors, or whether Kourtney and Scott’s love for one another is eternal, but your mind will eventually find its way back to the guy you couldn’t stop thinking about a week—or even a month—ago.

But you have to stop thinking about him before you can let yourself start thinking about someone else (besides yourself, obviously)

 “Power is being told you’re not loved and not being destroyed by it.” —Madonna

If you had it easy and had actual closure to your relationship, all you really have to do is wait. Time, Netflix, and SoulCycle heal all wounds. Embrace them.

Keep reminding yourself that your breakup was for the best, and that even though life sucks right now, it will be so much better later on when your mind is clear of your ex and onto better things like the hot guy you’re hooking up with or the new Chanel bag your mom got you for Christmas.

The real way to get over someone you have been under for so long is to find ways to stop thinking about him. But when you do find your mind wandering into ex territory, which typically happens when your phone dies or when the Brazilian wax technician isn’t particularly talkative that day, just let yourself go there.

Allow yourself to feel sad about the situation, that you miss him, you miss having a boyfriend, blah fucking blah. A little sadness is normal, lean into it for a few minutes.

The Boyfriend Mourning Formula:

If You Dated For Under A Year:

(The amount you liked him from a scale 0-5) x = weeks to get over him.

Example: You fell out of love. So you’re basically over it. Zero multiplied by anything is zero. Congrats, Betch, you’re ready to move on.

Second Example: You were together for nine months, you loved him and he broke your heart. 5x=22.5 weeks, or 5–6 months. Remember this is a maximum. If you take longer than this, spare your friends the agony and seek professional help. Please.

If You Dated For 1-3 Years:

You have six months to one year. You’re allowed one month to wallow in your own self-pity, but that’s it. Use the rest of this time of mourning to get back to your old self.

If You Dated For Over Three Years:

You have one year and that’s it. Okay MAYBE one and a half depending on the dramatic nature of the breakup. Just remember, Botox can’t stop your eggs from aging.

But don’t ever pity yourself. You are not hopeless; you will bounce back to your normal self. Allow yourself those few minutes of sadness, but then snap out of it. Remember that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. Don’t forget, you’re a betch. Don’t make us look bad.

Eventually the sadness will subside and you’ll be able to think clearly. Make it a point to go out when you would have typically stayed in with him. If you had a favorite restaurant at which you two always ate, go find an even better restaurant and make a f*cking new memory with your besties.

Fuck, we feel like sad pathetic losers even writing this. But it’s fine, because being depressed over a guy is a super pathetic sad and loser-y state to be in. Once you are able to look back and laugh at just how sad and pathetic you were during those long weeks or months (hopefully not years, time is the only thing you can’t ever get back), then congrats because you are so over it.

Other Signs You Are Over It

Hearing his name and not getting a weird nauseating feeling in the pit of your stomach. Good sign. Seeing him in public without peeing your pants. Another good sign.

You may also be over it if you go on a date with someone and not once even think of your ex. But by date, we don’t mean a one-night stand.

Sure, go out and have sex with a stranger, we don’t discourage it. But don’t assume that just because you f*cked someone else, you’re through the mourning process. Hook up for yourself, don’t do it out of revenge or sadness. Because eventually the sex will end (probably too quickly), and you will go back to the rut from which you came (or more likely, didn’t come).

However, if you didn’t have closure to your relationship, that’s an entirely different fucked-up playing field. This guy either ghosted you or never really gave you a concise, believable answer as to why he ended things.

When this happens, you have to make your own closure, which is about as easy and exciting as a juice cleanse or having a conversation with a cab driver. Lucky for you, we have a handy guide for you to get over this loser. The name of the game is replay, reconsider and repeat. (Yes, it’s a play on lather, rinse, repeat.) Unless you’re dirty AF, the goal of a hair-shower (not to be confused with a body-shower, which you should do daily) is to get rid of the dirt and oils that have accumulated on your scalp and hair throughout the day(s).

Now think of that dirt you’re removing like the guy you’re seeing. If you can get rid of him with just one rinse, congrats. But if you can’t, keep repeating, Betch. He’s bound to get out of your hair eventually.

Step One: Replay

Replay the relationship in your head. But instead of looking at it from your biased and slightly fantasized perspective, look at it from his. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but imagine what he was thinking during each conversation or situation that you think may have taken part in your relationship’s demise.

When you were saying, “I’m having a birthday party Saturday, you should stop by if you want,” is it possible he heard, “I want you to meet all my friends and celebrate a life milestone with me, and I’m just tricking you into a relationship?”

Step Two: Reconsider

Now that you’ve seen his perspective, it’s time to be realistic and reconsider the situation. Delve deeper into what the actual truth of each situation is. Only then will you uncover what was actually wrong with the relationship and your communication.

Here, even though it hurts, try to be as real as you can. Maybe after some consideration you realized that you didn’t really know him, and he didn’t know you at all. You even asked your friends what they thought of him and they’re like, What’s he look like again? Perhaps you were obsessed with the idea of him and not actually him. You know that saying that goes “there’s your side, his side, and the truth?”

Well the goal of this process is to see the truth. You’re not a 45-year-old alcoholic homemaker from the 1950s; you don’t need to lie to yourself.

Step Three: Repeat

Repeat this until you come to the inevitable conclusion that you two just weren’t right for each other and, more important, he wasn’t right for you.

So whatever happened during whatever period of time you were dating eventually ends up irrelevant, and you accept the fact that you don’t even need to hear his side of the story because your version is about one billion times more profound than any bullsh*t he will have to say.

You’re a betch, so you’re pretty f*cking smart, or at least smart enough to figure out that guys are pretty f*cking stupid. As long as your reasoning isn’t entirely delusional (again, lying to yourself isn’t cute and is instead marginally psychotic), then you’ll be able to get over him 100 percent of the time.

Unless he like, died—then take comfort in the fact that at least you weren’t dumped and like, see a real therapist.

What Would Karen Do?

The complete opposite. She will use this time to dwell on how perfect his jawline is while rereading every text conversation the two of them ever had. She will then Google “how to hack into Snapchat’s database to recover selfies of ex-boyfriend.”

After she sees “Results Not Found,” she will continue to talk about him until her friends kindly tell her to stop bitching about that bro, he was an asshole and never liked you.

She will storm away, feeling offended for about five minutes. When she gets home, she’ll troll Tinder until she finds him, will take a screenshot, send it to him and say, “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE MOVED ON SO FAST. DIDN’T I MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU!?!?”

He will not respond. She’ll think, he probs just didn’t get the text.

Dear Betch, 

Everybody says I’m young looking for my age. I’m 50. The trouble is, I’m seeing a lovely man who’s the same age as me.  He doesn’t look young for his age.  This doesn’t bother me.  I know it will bother other people and they will judge me‚—badly! They will say I’m desperate and be disgusted.  My daughter has met him a few times. She says he’s rugged because he’s a heavy smoker. This sounds petty, but it’s really worrying me. I’m giving a false name, Suzie.

Dear Babyface,

Thanks, but I didn’t even need the fake name. First, I would like to commend you for reading such a hip young site at your age. Share it with your family. Share it with your friends. Share it with your daughter and her friends.

Anyway, I think you’re looking at this all wrong. Nobody’s going to judge you for dating a man who looks older than you—in fact, they would probably think he’s a stud for dating someone who appears younger (and therefore I assume hotter) than him. You say you “know” it will bother other people and they will judge you, and they “will” say you’re desperate and they “will” be disgusted, but how do you know that? Has that even happened? I’m half your age but it doesn’t even sound realistic to me. Unless you actually ARE 25 and dating a 50-year-old, then yeah, people will judge you and call you a gold digger FOR SURE. But if you’re the same age, who cares? Focus on yourself and your relationship.

By the way, as a fellow babyface myself, please respond back and let me know what life is like at 50. Is looking 30 when you’re 50 everything it’s cracked up to be? I need to know.

Asking For A Friend (And That Friend Is Me),

The Betches